am i self obsessed?

am i egotistical?

i always look to myself to make me happy

not inherently my physical appearance but more so the seeds past me has planted for future me

everything i own is decorated because otherwise everything feels like a chore and i must find joy in everything i do even just a little bit.

i would consider myself a generally optimistic person, sometimes so optimistic it pisses other people off…

when I feel the inkling of a negative feeling ill glance at my nails , admire the glorious holographic star polish I painted on earlier and smile

“ahh…everything is okayy”

i love wearing hair clips in my hair

my favorite one has a little kitten that says “lucky”, i love looking at it in the mirror when im washing my hands in the bathroom

i’m pissed off in math class, okai atleast my calculator is pink, my pen is pink, everything is okay :P

what does one call this?

self soothing perhaps?

I do believe i am just a little monkey and simple things make me happy but why does every little thing i own have to be the reason for my joy?

if i was a monkey i’d put colorful feathers in my fur.

gay little monkey.

am i just a consumer?

I reject this idea because I don’t feel the need to purchase items, I feel the need to customize them and make them my very own

I went to art high school all four years. pumping out projects on a weekly basis is what made me realize everything I made was undeniably me. at the time however, I HATED IT. why does all my stuff look mine? how do I make it different? why cant something look like I had nothing to do with it?

I believe I let myself sink into it, maybe I just hate feeling upset? my style has changed drastically throughout my life yet it all bleeds into each other.

sometimes I think I am this way because I feel so purple all the time?

i run the numbers through my head and i circle back to always hating where i live?

the endless city sprawl

everything I see makes me feel dread, everywhere i look is paved, dry, desolate and dull so maybe i like feeling like i add color to the world?

I used to love driving, but the roads are getting denser, wider, and everyone is addicted to their phone and wanting to be first at the red light

my car has pink seats…and on my dashboard are a panda and a lamb

am i….severely childish? do i just enjoy cute things? what do you call this? genuinely……

whatever it is i wonder if i’ll ever grow out of it

why do I feel like the world is counting on me?

i care about me and my own feelings too much is that my problem?

I think in third person often, especially when I am feeling down.

taking a test thinking “applemuffin you got thiss!!!”

or when i’m driving I become self proclaimed applemuffin superhero

hello humongous truck of course i will let you in because all of these assholes have never seen a turning signal in their lives

oh you need to get in my lane, go ahead god put me here to make this go smooth i’m just his hands

i wouldn’t even say i’m a religious person

but i always mention god

“gods plan, god didn’t want this to happen, yoo this is what god wanted”

when something strange happens i look up at the sky like bruh

sometimes I feel like god is playing a little trick on me

a godtrick

and i don’t care which god you imagine

i don’t know either and I fw god

maybe the blues brothers changed my life?

no that’s not what this is about that’s a whole other story…

was i always this way? or did everything start feeling so grim one day i had to take initiative?

don’t get me wrong i love the world!!!

but i am bleeding myself out!!!! it’s oozing out of every pore and my blood is PINK!

how long am i going to be me?

I've practically created my own little world but is it borderline schizophrenic?

i can keep myself happy but i want to know the reason.

maybe i listened to too much lil b during my development.

is my ego too big?

i beg to differ but isnt that something a narcissist would do?

so what’s the difference between me and one?

i am horrible at giving advice

i can only give anecdotes

does that mean i just love talking about myself?

then why am i so secretive?

is that a whole other essay?

if people don’t know me by applemuffin they know me by another alias

the only people who know my government name find out years later in casual conversation or i know them from school

(idc enough to change my name in class i mostly hate when random customers know my name but that means all my coworkers have no idea unless they’re deep enough in my life to notice)

the way i see myself when I try to make sense of it all is i present myself how i want because i hate regretting things. (?)

i never want to be one of those people that’s always lingering in the past wishing they did things different

when i get an inkling of that feeling i have to act upon it

better sooner than later am i right?

i’m not sure how this applies…

maybe in terms of appearance?

if anything, I feel less physically entertained by myself now than ever before, i took out every piercing i had, my hair isn’t pink anymore, i don’t do crazy makeup anymore my eyebrows are normal

i felt more wayyy more narcissistic then

anyways

is this self love?

am i hiding beneath it all or is my heart just bleeding out my skin?

and what am i even asking here? i don’t know

i don’t care what other people think enough to change myself however, i am always curious how i am perceived? dissect me what does this mean what does it mean to you why do you think so?

i love the feeling of feeling me why would I want to be anyone else?

i never want to make people feel like i don’t have room for them

and i don’t want to come off as self obsessed

so i guess thats why this question arises in my head

is everyone else like this?

no one has ever accused me of being a narcissist, its just a thought I have often.

the only person ive ever expressed this to just said i have light autism like bruh whateverrr

or maybe it is

i don’t know anything!!!

me me me me

i i i i i

sigh

i think to myself writing this, is this just another narcissistic self obsessed manifestation?

but in my heart i am writing this because i just want to be a good person for the world

i am always following my heart

so if something is wrong with me id like to fix it for the greater good

i would say i have severe empathy for others

i notice things i feel people purposefully ignore

sometimes i feel too much

like i smother every person i know

i love making people super personal gifts because i love when they feel cared about and heard

and sometimes im afraid it will weird them out but i follow my heart

i love when people talk to me about them

and dear god please i am not fishing to be glazed

i have get-to-the-bottom-of-it syndrome and my thinking cap is on but i am trapped within the walls of my own mind because at the end of the day,

i am applemuffin.