Hello my name's Whitey

Let's get the intros out the way.

It's the year 3027.

My name's Whitey "Jack" McCracker. I'm a bounty hunter, ladies' man, and smuggler.

For the right price, I'll even deliver some motherfucker's head to you on a silver platter.

However, for that, you better have proof of guilt; I follow a code.

I come from an Ancient lineage. My ancestry dates back to the greatest race to have ever inhabited the Earth: the 'Mericans,

As great as that civilization was, no civilization lasts forever. Let me tell you about the fall of a once great land.

The fall of ‘Merica

'Merica started to fall in the last half of the 21st Century.

Politicians have always lied to get into office, but these were well done lies.

The type of lies that deserve an award for special effects and best adapted screenplay, kinda lies.

Yes, people still jerk themselves off in the 29th Century. The 2000th Academy Awards are now Intergalactic.

Anyway, I digress.

At the end of the 21st, people hated each other; 'Merica was divided into so many factions that the factions had fucking factions.

The red, the blue, the pro-white, the pro-black, the mushroom fuckers and the asslickers, the cons, the neocons, the MAGAs and the Antifas, the alphabet squad, liberals, progressives, middlemen, con artists, shit kickers, cunt lickers, cock suckers and cult leaders.

All vying for a place in the greatest bastion of thievery, tyranny, and corruption the world had ever seen.

Washington, DC

People were so worried about invisible boogeymen, hatred that didn't exist, what people were wearing, how they did their fuckin' hair and who people were fuckin' and suckin', why they were fuckin' and suckin', lack of melanin, too much melanin, too much money, not enough money, and of course there was the worst crime of all: naughty fuckin' words.

People didn't realize that they were being fucked without lubricant while the world, 'Merica included, was being sold off to Intergalactic invaders.

No one knew at the time that this was part of a greater plan. A sleight of hand so deftly played by the governments of the world, in league with DC, that when the Intergalactic enslavers showed up, 65% of the world was wiped out or enslaved, and the slaves went willingly.

A great people were mind-fucked into being cattle and carted off to the mines to labor forever, while human beings dropped dead in harsh conditions and carcasses were "recycled" as nourishment for the other slaves.

No one gave a fuck about the history of your people here; to the Intergalactic slavers, you were all equally worthless.

That's when she showed up; Dr. Victoria Valentine saved the human race ...

This is where my kind gets made.

About a day or so ago, the great Kitty Mae asked for a good "Glory Hole Story". Boy, do I have one for you!

This little tale was passed down to me from my beloved father, who was once an Anaheim PD officer. If you don't know where Anaheim, California, is, then you definitely know its most famous attraction, which is Disneyland. We used to get free tickets when I was but a wee lad.

A couple of caveats: this is a 100% true story. I don't know the names of the people involved, and I don't know the exact year it happened. The names and the year are made up, but everything else happened. Let's just say the year was 1973.

Now on to the tale of the Anaheim glory hole.

There once was a man named Tom

Tom found out his boyfriend Dick was sucking off and/or getting sucked off by Harry at the local glory hole. So naturally, Tom, being the loving boyfriend he was, got super fucking pissed.

So he devised a plan involving some Jif peanut butter and something else. That's part of the surprise.

Dick and his horrible, no-good, very bad day.

While Dick was waiting for his beloved paramour, Harry, it turns out that Dick actually ended up getting sucked off by Tom, who had a little kink up his sleeve.

Tom spread peanut butter on Dick's large gay Cock and proceeded to lick it off. Now, while Tom was sucking off Dick, Tom did a dastardly thing, using the flat plane of the glory hole wall as a guide. When Dick's Cock was about to explode, he just wasn't expecting this particular explosion.

Tom unfolded his Buck knife and sliced Dick's Cock clean off! Blood exploded everywhere.

The Police and Paramedics arrived on scene ...

It was a bloodbath. Cops in attendance reported that it looked like a murder scene right out of a horror movie. Dick was screaming and spurting blood everywhere. Tom was grinning the great big grin of a horror villain. I don't know if they were ever able to reattach Dick's big gay Cock.

One Police Officer who was there was Big Bubba Lightman (my father, whose name has been changed, but who is no less missed. RIP my beloved father) and took the report.

He gave me some sound advice years after this little incident; he said, "Son, never stick your dick in a Glory Hole. You never know who's on the other side waiting with a knife and some peanut butter." I think I was about 10 years old at the time.

To this day, I've done all sorts of dirty shit that I'm not proud of, but I've never stuck my dick in a glory hole. Thanks, Father. You're missed every single day.

How does one go about winning a heart's desire;
Is it a spark, is it a fire?;
Circumstance or madness;
Will this make me whole?;
Or will loving you forever damn my fragile soul?;
Only time, patience and love can know;

Chapter 2: The "Meetcute"

8AM 10-01-26: Day 1

I have decided to start my courtship of Rosalie today. I decided to frequent the diner where she works. A little place called the "Coffee Pod."

I walk in and order my usual: a strawberry cheese danish, coffee with 2 creams, one sugar.

8AM 10-28-26: Day 27

I walk in and order my usual: a strawberry cheese danish, coffee with 2 creams, one sugar.

This isn't going very well ...

"Oh Lord, how do humans deal with this? How am I supposed to win her heart if I can't even talk to her?"

God speaks, "Not as easy as you thought, is it, son?"

"It's excruciating. How did the human race ever survive? How do they meet, how do they love, with such dreadful longing in their hearts?"

God responds, "Have courage; you're one of my greatest creations. Have faith."

Finally, as I finish breakfast, another waitress asks if I need anything. I ask, "Where's Rosalie this morning?"

The waitress responds, "She's out back; she doesn't work here anymore." I put a hundred dollars on the table and head back, where I find Rosalie arguing with a rather unsavory character.

I walk up and interrupt. Excuse me, "I couldn't help but overhear. Is everything alright ..."

The young man speaks up, "Yes, buddy, everything is just fine."

"No offense, but I wasn't asking you, sir."

Rosalie, visibly crying, says, "No, it's not. This man cost me my job."

At that moment, the man lifted his hand to my favorite waitress. I stopped time.

"I walked around the man, studying him." Fascinating. I surmised he was Rosalie's now-ex-boyfriend.

I said to him, "Smack yourself in the testicles as hard as you can, fifteen times". He complied.

I resumed time and gently led Rosalie by the hand to safety as he was screaming on the ground, clutching his crotch.

"What happened?" Rosalie asked.

"I think his balls are swollen", I replied.

I then made my move. "Rosalie, now that your day is clear, would you please honor me with your presence for lunch?"

Rosalie replied, "Sure. You've always been very sweet. What's your name?"

"My name is Benjamin, but you can call me Ben."

Lunch - 1230PM 10-28-26

"Ben, I have a question...?" Rosalie asked in the coyest and sweetest way possible.

"OK, I have an answer. What's the question?"

"Why the Strawberry Cheese Danish, coffee, sugar, and 2 creamers?" Rosalie asked.

I immediately became flustered, shocked and lost all composure that may have come to me easily this morning.

"Whoa, that's tough, ummm ... I like European breakfast dishes?" I nervously responded.

"For 28 days straight? At the start of my shift? At the least busy time?" Rosalie said, knowing my whole perfectly laid plan already.

"You know, if you wanted to ask me out, you're really sweet; I would have said yes. But now, my good friend, I need to hunt for a new job."

"No, you don't," I said.

"What do you mean, no you don't?" Rosalie asked.

"When you were in the restroom earlier, I made a couple of calls; I have a few connections. I may have pulled some strings and gotten you a really cool job." I said confidently.

"And what, pray tell, are my hours and pay at this establishment?" Rosalie inquired.

"$40 an hour, full benefits, paid time off and holidays," I responded.

Rosalie sat back in her chair, dumbfounded, not knowing what she did or said to warrant such a gift.

She asked just one question: "Why would you do that for me?"

I looked at her with the most serious look I've had and explained almost prophetically.

"For longer than I care to remember, I've been alone. God in heaven, my only friend. Now all I want is to give happiness."

I paused ...

"How can I start a relationship with someone if she doesn't know where her next meal is coming from?"

The Demiurge

Sometimes I don't know where your pain ends and where your reality begins;
All I can see across the vastness of this digital landscape is a soul;
Such a beautiful, beloved soul;
I never know whether you're in the depths of despair or beautifully whole …;

The Muse

I am all of it all at once;
To be whole is to be inside the ache eternal as only a human can be so sentenced; 
The poetry is the longing I grind my teeth against and love, and love for its harsh elegance;
The depths of the reach in the beautiful whole;
As the whole splits apart and becomes two souls;

Demiurge and Muse as one

The souls then merge as one;
Aching together in the throes of passion;
Like a beautiful work of art upon the wall;
As the two halves become the single soul once more in the Mists of Aeons wake … Let no being in heaven or hell cause this bond to break;

Dear listener, let me tell you a story;
Of the greatest love the world has ever known;
The greatest tragedy to ever unfold;
This story will make you weep;
Let me tell the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice;

One day, while she was picking berries;
The shepherd Aristaeus got it in his mind;
He would rob this woman of her virtue;
Creating a fantastic tragedy for all time;

Orpheus returned from performance;
To find his sweetest love was gone;
Bitten by a viper in the forest while running;
Eurydice’s soul was under the dominion now of Hades;

Orpheus promised to bring her back;
He set out to charm the Gods;
Taking up his Lyre and exposing himself to fire;
Vowing to get his Eurydice back;

Don’t look back, you’ll find yourself alone;
Follow the instructions of the underworld’s throne;
Have faith, and he’ll return the love you seek;
Don’t betray the instruction of Hades;
Or you’ll regret it for the rest of your life;

Finding the entrance to the underworld;
Our young hero ventured into the deep;
Abandon all hope, ye mortals who enter;
Your soul is likely to be one of the damned;
Orpheus came upon the Guardian;
Cerberus was quite ferocious indeed;
Our seeker had the lyre of Apollo;
And he lulled the three-headed beast to sleep;

When it came time, he was on the shore;
Charon demanded payment to pass;
Young Orpheus played a song;
Charon then accepted him on board;

Orpheus reached the throne of the Underworld;
Hades demanded answers, for the outrage he demanded why;
Orpheus played that song that charmed sweet Persephone;
She cried tears of sadness;
For that Hades did comply;

Because you have charmed my wife;
Eurydice shall be yours;
Go now, leave as fast as you can and don’t look back;
For if you do, Eurydice shall be mine once more;

Orpheus fled, past the river Styx;
Past the three-headed dog;
To the very opening he had come through before;
Orpheus doubted Hades, thought he was being tricked;
He caught a glimpse, then Eurydice was gone;

Don’t look back, you’ll find yourself alone;
Follow the instructions of the underworld’s throne;
Don’t look back, you’ll find yourself alone;
Sorrow and pain shall cut you like a knife;
Have faith, and he’ll return to you, your beautiful wife;
Don’t betray the instruction of Hades;
Or great pain and sorrow will follow you all the days of your life;

Reunited with your love, only in death;

Circe's Isle

[Verse 1]
Have you heard the voice of an Angel;
Blowing in the wild;
Can you imagine that pure voice;
Of innocence so divine;
What if that voice of pure sweet love;
Was there to steal your time;
Made your soul burn hot as fire;
Gave you all the fleshly pleasure;
And lived to enhance your desire;

You'll find she's not an Angel;
She's a demon of the most sinister kind;
Her talents could totally melt your mind;
But while your brain is melting;
And your soul is cracking;
She's just being so damn kind;

[Pre-Chorus]
Eros of the first degree;
Love of the purest kind;
She'll fly on the wings of your mind;
In eternal majesty;

[Chorus]
This is Circe's Isle;
She'll ply you with wine;
You'll feel love of the most erotic kind;
This is Circe's Isle;
The fire-breathing soul of desire;
When you're around her, your lust will burn like fire;
You'd better run before you're cast aloft;
And your legend is gone to the sands of time;

[Verse 2]
Her angelic smile hides a sinister side;
You don't want to make her your bride;
She's got that dirty disposition;
And that sinister imposition, that just might cost you your life;
You've been warned, that's all I can do;
It's your own funeral pyre;
Better watch your back, better hold on tight;
Don't give in to desire, be strong;
Or you'll find yourself on pleasure Island;
Covorting with the souls of the damned;

[Bridge]
There's been a hundred thousand men;
Who've known her charm;
She's oh so cunning and wild;
She'll take your mind;
She'll suck your time;
Before you know it, twenty years have gone by;

[Chorus]
This is Circe's Isle;
She'll wreck your mind;
She's going to steal your soul;
But while it's happening you'll feel love that's so divine;
Don't be lost to the sands of time;
This is Circe's Isle;
She's the fire-breathing soul of desire;
When you're around her;
You'd best protect your heart;
Protect your mind, and you'd better leave in time;
Before she sets your flesh on fire;

[Outro]
Epic Guitar Solo

Through the Aeons

What greater gift or torment

The beauty of God's noble plan

That glorious wonder, given to mortal man

There's no greater gift in the Universe

No greater glory from God on high

No greater proof of his ever-present hand

Than that of the sweetest gift of love to man ....

The spirit of inspiration, made flesh

Through time immemorial, I have strived with man. I was the assistant to the master who rules the universe. I was the tool of creation made manifest upon the vastness of space. I was the finger that touched Adam from the heavens. I am inspiration for great things.

In time I took man's form and walked among you. You have never known my presence, but you have known my works.

I remember when the first blessed pink rose danced upon the mists of creation.

Creating wonder and delight amongst all who inhale its perfection. I am the artistic finger of God's beauty. I am Demiurge, the energy of God's creation made manifest in the world.

First made flesh at the fall of man, I serve as the Lord's eyes and ears on Earth; forever alone, I was cursed by the affliction of Adam, a longing for a partner to keep me company on the long days and months and millennia. Through the Aeons, I have watched love renewed and transcendent in time. Forever nourishing God's great Earth with its beautiful highs and terrible lows. I'm ashamed of the state of my thoughts, I, who created Reavers, Faeries, Shapeshifters and Wizards. For so many Aeons I was content with being alone, but now all I feel is the bittersweet pain of loneliness.

For centuries, I was content with my loneliness, knowing the Lord was by my side, forever watching in the shadows as empires fell and new ones rose.

Until she ... the her, the feminine, God's hand made manifest upon my heart. I was drawn to her, such kindness, such passion... why does she haunt my dreams? For what reason am I tormented by the thoughts of her? Wanting to be her lover, protector, partner, equal. Wishing for her to be like me; me to be like her.

Oh Lord, I beseech thee, take this torment from my heart and let me be forever in your servitude once more. I know that I am not supposed to love; I was not created for such things, but only to be the creating force and guiding hand of man in your glory. Please, Lord, take this cup from me. Love was created for man, not deity, for I am part of you, O Lord, and I forever bask in the glory of your goodness. What is the force which torments me? Why am I becoming subject to the same emotions and torments as man? What dastardly devil's web am I caught in?

O Lord, I live only to serve you, you who gave me life so many Aeons ago. Who brought my wretched flesh from the swamps of creation and gave me the gift of your grace, your touch, so that I can inspire the souls of man.

The Lord Speaks ...

My beautiful creation, my creative spirit upon the Earth. What grieves you so? Love is not a curse; it's part of my soul given to the souls of my creation. It is what makes them strive, what makes them thrive and fills their souls with joy.

You give yourself too much credit, my beloved creation. You are not above them; you merely give them inspiration. Everything else is done with the love from their toil and hardships.

I know I created you to inspire them. They are fragile creatures, prone to failure and doomed by sin. But I love them, and you, my boy, are a part of them.

It is with a heavy heart that I now give you the following task. You will know their hardship; you will know love; through that love you shall know who and what you are inspiring.

But beware, should you not convince young Rosalie to fall in love with you in a year, I will consign you to oblivion.

Fall in love; I command it.

I wrote this song for article I wrote about Spicypancake.

It's linked below.

I'm sorry I lost touch

You know you regret things in life. Not huge things: like not investing in Amazon stock when you had the chance. Fuck me, I say fuck you to the much younger me.

But the things that you regret that are more personal: losing touch with friends, not spending enough time with family and friends, not having sex with that hot chick at the pool giving you the fuck-me eyes, letting your best friend take all the girls. You know, the things that money can't buy.

One of the things I'm guilty of, very recently.

When I got to Substack, I didn't know anyone. I had already been writing for a while, but I had no idea what I was up against.

One of the first people I ever connected with was a beautiful young lady named Spicypancake. I think the first story she ever wrote was one about a very shy office girl and her soulmate. This story was so loving, so incredibly sweet that it was indescribable. It's like the characters just leapt off the digital page.

Spicypancake had no subscribers then. I was the first one.

I remember chatting with her in her DM's and really being impressed with how sweet she was.

Then we lost touch. I started writing about weird adventures and sending a 250-ton nuclear missile enema to the Lovecraftian hell dimension that existed inside Paul Hofferman; those poor, innocent cloned hookers *sigh*.

Meanwhile, Spicypancake's star continued to rise. While I was experimenting, she was improving more and more each day. And I lost touch with a good friend on Substack, who I thought was absolutely legendary.

It wasn't until recently that a great friend reminded me about how awesome Spicypancake really is.

So today, I'm doing something that should have been done months ago. I'm making Spicypancake my fourth Exalted One. Truth be told, as awesome as my favorites are, she probably should have been first. She was my first friend on Substack; now she's immortalized forever in the "Candy Shop" of my soul.

Spicypancake, I hope you enjoy the song I wrote. It was so hard to find things that rhyme with Spicypancake, but I did it.

Riley Blackstone is my Angel; Rosalie Fox is my eternal Muse; And Zatanna, you'll forever be my soul sister, Dark or otherwise. Ladies, please welcome Spicypancake to the resort inside my head; please make her feel warm and comfortable.

Spicy and Sweet

Words and Lyrics: Benjamin Lightman; instrumentation by Suno.

Have you heard of my girl, spicy;
She's the sweetest treat around;
She's the desire of every man in town;
She balances everything just the right way;
She's the sweetest and spiciest love around;

Girl, since the day of our first chat;
I knew you were something great;
Your beauty flew right off the page, and landed right in my lap;
Of course I knew, right there and then, that you were gonna be something rad;

Even though I'm doing fine, and I hope you can say the same;
I could ride giant nuclear monsters;
Go to heaven and get slapped by God;
I could crown the King and Queen of Hell;
But my sweet tooth would never be satisfied;
Without some of that spicy pancake;

Spicy, you are oh so sweet;
You're really just a dear;
You have a way of making people oh so happy, just by being here;
At the end of the day of fighting Kaiju;
When the last monster has just been slain,
Don't you know, my dear ...;
I just want to sit down ...;
And have a plate of your spicy pancakes;

I could write about werewolf lovers;
I could write about erotic hell queens;
I may fight 100,000 Luciferian ships in space;
Or become a pirate, rough and mean;
But none of that will ever be quite the same;
I will never reach the sweetest level of her game;
You're so unique and such a treat, you aren't like all the others;

I will always remember you;
The office romance;
The sex question Q&A;
I don't care if Paul thinks this song is gay;
You're always on my mind...;
There's not much more I can say or do;

I could make love to a beautiful muse;
Or get blown up on a jungle cruise;
But that alone won't get me through;
Because at the end of the day, when all of the monsters have just been slain;
Girl, don't you know ...;
My mouth is craving ...;
Some of those Spicy Pancakes;

Spicy, you are oh so sweet;
You're really just a dear;
You have a way of making people oh so happy, just by being here;
At the end of the day of fighting dragons;
When the last monster has just been slain,
Don't you know, my dear ...;
I just want to sit down ...;
And have a plate of your spicy pancakes;

This song is for a very special lady, she knows who she is, she knows why this was written, more importantly she knows that there's more than a little tongue in cheek here. But a promise is a promise. And this song is a promise baby.

Lyrics & Spoken Words

Title: The Forbidden Song

This is for a very special lady; she knows who she is. This is a vow I'm making to you, sweetheart, right now. Enjoy the song.

Riding this old steel horse, I'm just thinking about you;
The wheels on the road keep turning;
There is nothing I can do;
Baby, I promise you my love is 100% righteous, pure and true;

But I have to finish this whole tour;
Before you can feel my love inside of you;
I love our correspondence, and it makes me feel so sad;
That you are just so far away, it makes my cock so fucking mad;

Here is a big promise, a vow I give to you;
There's going to be no small talk,
just a hug and kiss won't do;
For when I'm done with this tour, and we're in the same room;
I'm going to rip off all your clothes, and we're just going to screw;

It's gonna take me hours to eat that pussy, oh so right;
I promise I'm gonna do all the things that you've always wanted to do, you're oh so right;
Like a superhero, I'm going to bring my utility belt;
When I'm done with you, my dear, your brains are gonna be fucked all to hell;

You're gonna get fucked;
Maybe with a fist or two;
You're gonna get fucked;
I'm gonna use all of my special tools;
When we get together, small talk just won't do;
Because when I finally see, I'm gonna be fucking you;

I understand this may sound wrong and people's mouths might be aghast;
They may clutch their pearls and fall right off their feet;
It may piss off a couple feminists; they'll just have to go flick their bean;
The love we share is oh so true, and I'm in fucking heat:
When I think about you girl, I just have to beat my meat;

I hope you understand the love I have for you;
These words I just don't say lightly, even when we screw;
All the love in my whole world is gonna be deposited in you;
When I think about you, girl, I just wanna screw;

This next part may be crass, but it must be said;
Oh, the filthy things I'm gonna do, when you are in my bed;
I'm going to eat your pussy for hours, while you give me some head;

I might even stick my tongue up your sexy ass rear end;

You're gonna get fucked;
Maybe with a Bad Dragon or two;
You're gonna get fucked;
I'm gonna use all of my special tools;
When we get together, small talk just won't do;
Because when we finally meet, I'm gonna be fucking you;

[Epic outro guitar solo]

Everything starts with a really bad idea ....

Our story begins with two young black men, out for a joyride about a month after their Grandma's death.

The first of the young men, Anthony, was as good as any human being ever was. Straight-A student, churchgoer, a counselor at his Church, full ride on a football scholarship to Stanford. Literally, a perfect human being. Anthony was a ray of sunshine in a dark world.

If he had one vice, it would be the love he had for his brother Marcus. You see, Marcus was everything Anthony wasn't. In and out of jail, baby daddy of three different kids with three different women, high school dropout. Marcus was one of those guys who blamed everyone but himself for his plight.

Marcus was a sometimes "cafeteria follower" of Nation of Islam (NOI) culture, a demonizer of everyone who wasn't black, believing he's superior just because he's black, and everybody owes him because of it. Basically, everywhere Marcus went, he brought horseshit and misery.

That night, Marcus was on a rampage. He talked about how the white man killed his grandmother, killed his parents and took everything from him. Anthony had heard all this shit before and was tired of it...

Anthony finally spoke up, "Motherfucker, how come we were both brought up together, but the white man only targeted you? Last I checked, our Momma and Daddy died in a car crash. As far as Grandma goes, she died of cancer, motherfucker. Cancer's not racist bitch, cancer hates everybody. Why do I always have to hear about Louis Farrakhan, Elijah Muhammad and Malcolm X? Those assholes can't even get Islam right. I'm surprised the real Muslims haven't killed y'all yet. You fucked up the Koran and turned it into some motherfuckin' L. Ron Hubbard kind of shit. Where in the fuck are we going, anyway?"

Marcus chimed in, "Are you done, Motherfucker?"

Anthony responded, "Yeah, I'm done. What the fuck you gotta say?"

"We're going to Doctor Bob's. That motherfucker killed Grandma.", said Marcus.

Anthony, absolutely dumbstruck, chimed in, "How do you figure that Dr. McWhitey killed Grandma?"

Marcus responded, "He pumped her full of that white man's poison."

Anthony responded, "You mean chemotherapy, Motherfucker, the only fucking possible treatment for cancer? Listen, I understand you're not that astute because of dropping out in the tenth grade and all. But let me tell you something: I was there every time Grandma got a treatment. Every time you were fucked up on 'Special K', or weed, or weed plus 'Special K', or you were fucking another baby you can't afford into your baby momma, or listening to your half-assed Nation of Islam (NOI) bullshit, I WAS AT GRANDMA'S SIDE. YOU WEREN'T, MOTHERFUCKER. I KNOW HOW DR. MCWHITEY TRIED TO SAVE HER!

How exactly were you gonna help Grandma not die? Fucking bean pie therapy?

If you're going to hurt Dr. Bob, I'm not helping.

Can we please not do this? Marcus, this is a bad road, man. You're my brother, I love you, please stop before it's too late."

At that moment, Marcus pulled up to Dr. McWhitey's house. Marcus pulled out a Colt Python .357 Magnum and pointed it at Anthony's face, point-blank. "If you ain't with me, brother, then you're against me, and you don't want to be against me, brother. I ain't having no coons for brothers."

Anthony responded, "You have no idea how much you're fucking up right now, but ok, if that's how you want to play it, let's go. You fake ass Ibram X. Kendi wannabe motherfucker."

The home invasion party

Anthony and Marcus get to the door; Marcus, behind Anthony with the .357, says, "Knock."

Dr. McWhitey answers the door, and with a great big smile he says, "Hi Kids, you're just in time. Marge is cooking up her famous Meatloaf; guess what the secret ingredient is- just guess. I'll bet you'll never guess?!" Dr. Bob had this goofy whitebread way of making everyone feel welcome. In all honesty, he was about the nicest human being on the planet, but that wasn't going to stop Marcus; he was going to get his "revenge" for his Grandma.

Marcus pushed Anthony inside with the .357 Magnum, and Dr. Bob was visibly taken aback. Marcus said sarcastically, "Don't tell me, it's mayonnaise, right, you pale ass pasty motherfucker."

"Well, yes, but you don't have to be so mean about it.", Dr. McWhitey replied.

Anthony says, "I'm sorry, Doc, he's on one today; he pointed a gun at me, straight at my face."

"It's ok Anthony, I understand. Listen, Marcus, I know how much you like Marge's brisket. Would you like me to make you a sandwich, and we can talk this out.", Dr. Bob replied.

Marcus retorted, "I ain't here for no brisket, you pale-ass-polyester-wearing, people-of-the-pale, Oscar Meyer chalk d
emon looking motherfucker!"

"I'm here for your valuables, cough 'em up, McWhitey!"

As Anthony looked around the room, he remembered all of the times he and Marcus would play at Dr. Bob's house. The pool that they played in, all of the good food that the McWhiteys would make. He almost started to cry.

Marcus had started listening to Ummar Johnson, Ibram X. Kendi, Louis Farrakhan, Elijah Muhammad and a bunch of others. He was fucked up half the time, so that shit would get jumbled up in his brain. He subsequently started believing every white person on the planet was evil.

Of course he never looked at his own experience. If he had, he would have realized that the McWhiteys loved him and Grandma like they were family. There was nothing but good that came from the McWhiteys household. But all Marcus's uneducated ass could see was: white man bad.

Dr. McWhitey started gathering up the family belongings and handed them to Marcus.

"Is that all, McWhite man?", Marcus said.

Dr. McWhitey said, "Yes, that's all, son. Please take it and go."

At that point, Marcus made the biggest mistake of his eternal life. He started shooting.

First he hit little Trudy, then he hit Dr. McWhitey. But then .....

Some shit happened that gave Marcus whiplash and sealed his fate, forever ...

Little Kirby, the family dog, grew to about 6ft. tall, grew two more heads, ripped Marcus's gun-wielding arm off and ate it. At the same time, Anthony ripped both of Marcus's legs off and threw them in the corner.

As Marcus was bleeding out on the carpet, Anthony apologized for making such a mess. Mrs. McWhitey just smiled and said, "Don't worry, Anthony, a little bit of Febreze and some Oxy-Clean will fix it right up."

Little Trudy, Dr. Bob and everyone else were OK. Dr. Bob healed up just fine; Trudy was crying, not because she was physically hurt, but because she loved Marcus like a brother, and she knew what had to happen.

Dr. McWhitey, cheerfully upbeat as ever, said: "Now we have ourselves a party, Marge. Call Eloise, let's get this party started."

Marge just looked at Dr. Bob and said, "Oh, you, always the cheerful one, even in the face of adversity."

Bob gave Anthony a sawzall and asked him to cut Marcus's head off. Before he did, he told Anthony, "I understand if this is hard for you, son, but it has to be."

Anthony, as tough as ever, said, "It's his fault he's Meatloaf." And started to carve Marcus's head completely off, while he was conscious.

A knock at the door- who could it be ...

Dr. McWhitey answered the door. It was Eloise; she was looking spry and refreshed. She had on a beautifully tailored dress, and she was positively effervescent.

You would have never known that a little over a month ago she was emaciated and dying of cancer. Anthony gave her a big hug and said, "I'm sorry, Grandma, I tried."

She looked at Anthony and said, "It's ok baby, you did your best. Marcus was always a bad seed. I used to pray for him every night, but in the end he rejected every good thing he ever had. He rejected the Lord, time and time again. Where is he, sweetheart?"

Anthony replied, "He's on a silver platter in the breakfast nook, in the kitchen."

Eloise composed herself and went into the kitchen where she greeted Margie, who was grinding up pieces of Marcus to put in the Meatloaf. She gave Margie a great big hug and a kiss on the cheek, and she proceeded to sit down and talk with her grandson, who was now a disembodied head on a silver platter, in the breakfast nook.

Marcus, who couldn't believe his eyes, tried to talk, but his vocal cords had been severed during his decapitation.

"Let me tell you a story, Marcus, about these white folks you hate so much." Eloise paused, took a deep breath and continued.

"As you know, about a month ago I was dying of cancer. Dr. McWhitey did everything he could to help me. Every therapy, every treatment, including a few treatments that he could have lost his license for. There was no stone unturned, but there was nothing he could do; the cancer had spread too far.

It was then that he told me what he was, what his family was. Listen up because this part is important. The McWhiteys are members of an ancient race of beings who punish evil, baby, they're Reavers. God's own hand of justice. He said he could turn me, and I wouldn't die, but I would have to take a vow to punish evil wherever it lay. Anthony was there. Because they couldn't have any humans knowing what they were, Anthony was changed too.

Dr. McWhitey's family knew this would happen, but I asked them to try and save you. They tried, baby; you could have just walked out of here with a fortune in valuables, but you decided that you wanted Justice! Justice for what, cancer?

You tried to murder a 14-year-old girl and her daddy; if they were normal, you would have. Trudy looked at you like family, but you tried to kill her. You're not my grandson; you're an evil monster.

When I was working two jobs trying to keep a roof over your head, these people, regardless of their skin color, babysat you and your brother. Dr. McWhitey even wrote a letter of recommendation for your brother to get into Stanford. He would have bent over backwards for you, but you were too filled with hatred.

Your hatred has now condemned you.

Now we're going to eat you, you're going to watch, and then you're going to burn in hell.

Margie makes a helluva Meatloaf; I can't wait to have some."

Dinner is served.

Before dinner, Dr. McWhitey always says grace. Here is his prayer for the good meal.

"Dearest Lord, thank you for delivering up this delicious evil so that we may consume it and send its soul straight to hell. We especially ask you to watch over Anthony and Eloise as they are going through a rough time, Lord. They just became part of the brotherhood, and we can't welcome them enough. In your precious name we pray, Amen"

Marcus's head was on a table next to the sofa, watching the family eat meatloaf that was consequently made out of his own flesh. They had coleslaw, mashed potatoes, green beans with a little bit of bacon bits, some homemade muffins, and for dessert there was banana cream pie. It was a wonderful family meal. Everybody complimented Marge's meatloaf, and she smiled. The kids were happy, Grandma and Anthony were delighted, and just talking up a storm. Everybody was having a good night, except for Marcus. He used to be a whole asshole, but now he was just a disembodied head on the coffee table.

And now we reach the end of this episode.

After dinner, everyone went out to the back yard. They took Marcus's head and started playing football with it, Anthony showed Dan how to do a perfect catch.

At the end of the night, they knew they had to get rid of Marcus's head, so they asked Kirby to go long. Then little Trudy kicked Marcus's head right into Kirby's second mouth.

Eloise and Anthony grabbed some leftover Meatloaf and complimented Marge on her cooking.

As Eloise and Anthony were leaving for home Anthony said, "Marcus Meatloaf is pretty good.", Eloise clapped back and said, "At least he was finally good for something ..."

They both laughed and went home.

Hello Folks,

I was scrolling through YouTube today and I found this video.

Well naturally, I was inspired.

Meet the McWhitey's, the whitest family, ever.

If you don't believe they're that white, just listen to their theme song.

The book of Archangeli - Prophecy 6:9

There is a prophecy that states that when the spirit of man strives against overwhelming odds in the thrall of death, in the presence of innocence, where love and peace abound, the spirit of the Archangels shall return and, like raging fire, destroy their enemies, and peace shall rule across the Galaxy.

And now. The epic tale.

Our epic story starts in a sleazy bar ... don't they all?

Everybody loves a good story, don't they? Let me tell you a story that you won't believe. Devils, Angels, Galactic Queens, Evil Stuff, Good Stuff, Sad Stuff, Sexy Times, and Excommunicated Warrior Priests.

My name's Benjamin G. Lightman, bounty hunter, ex-priest, smuggler, and a little bit of a whoremonger. I'm trying to cut down on that last one ... my tabs are getting kind of high, but I digress.

My story begins when a gorgeous Queen and an ethereal princess walk into a sleazy bar ... my favorite bar ... on the outer rim of the Milky Way galaxy. "Jeanette's Place."
I was scoping out these two filthy fuckers from deep inside the nebula: Klondor & T'al. Real pieces of work.

Klondor was a real lady killer; he loved human women ... a little too much. His race had a proboscis in the back of their throat, and they found the human uterus to be quite the delicacy. Let's just say they put new meaning to the phrase "eating a woman out."

Now, T'al was a bottom-feeding little pervert; he was around for Klondor's sloppy seconds. 

Here's how these sick fuckers operate.
While Klondor eats, T'al jacks his two spiny dicks off in the corner, listening to the screams. Once Klondor is done and a woman has bled out, like some sort of pervert's ancient kosher butchery, they both cook and share what's left. Like I said, real pieces of work.

They were wanted dead or alive ... I preferred dead.

Then they walked in, and holy shit. Two hotter women never graced the fucking galaxy.

The first was a lightly tanned beauty from the Centauri system. She was like an oasis in the middle of the hottest star; she oozed sexuality and power from every pore of her skin, like pure, refreshing water from the coldest spring.

Then there was her friend; I was blinded and quite smitten immediately. Light radiating off of her like an Angel in the ancient tomes. She had gorgeous red hair and alabaster skin, which glowed in the darkness of the bar; she had just the right amount of freckles on that skin to make her the perfect fucking woman. God, I love those tiny imperfections that make a woman just pop out in a crowd.

Yep, the two women of my fucking dreams, at exactly the wrong time and wrong place to meet the wrong people. Fuck, I'm going to regret this day.

It's about this time that I told you Klondor's race had microscopic needles in their palms carrying a form of tetrodotoxin, and he just shook both women's hands.

Before these women passed out ... Klondor and T'al's brains were splattered on the wall. Shit, that's gonna make 'em hard to identify for the bounty. But that's not what I was most afraid of ...

JEANETTE, JEANETTE!!! I NEED YOUR HELP, BEAUTIFUL.

Now, Jeanette was the proprietor of this fine establishment, whose great attractions now included T'al and Klondor's brains on the wall. Needless to say ... she was a little pissed about the wall brains.

"BEN, WHAT THE FUCK!!! I TOLD YOU TO STOP SPLATTERING THESE FUCKING SICKOS' BRAINS ON MY FUCKING WALLS! WTF?" Jeanette screamed so everyone could hear.

I had to think of something, or Jeanette would send all three of us packing, but why'd I have to think of this shit?
"Jeanette, sweetheart, I promise I'll let you do that thing you want to do to me, but right now, I need to get these two women to the 'Den.'"

Jeanette smiled, took a long, loving look at my ass, and said, "You've got a deal, bounty hunter. Now get these two to safety, and get back up here to clean these brains off the walls. I'll close up; don't wear pants."

Fuck ... the shit I do for chivalry.

It should be noted that Jeanette is an actual heroine in the truest sense. Before he died, she and her father would help smuggle refugees to safety. Her father was killed during their last operation; she hasn't been able to help anyone since. The "Den" is where they would hide the refugees.

Three days later, I still could barely sit down; I don't think Jeanette had heard the words "gentle and loving" her entire life.
The two ladies woke up in a daze, still partially paralyzed and very weak. One of them carried the royal crest of Centauri. The other one was just perfection incarnate, glowing like heaven's light in the darkest reaches of space.

I got up from my seat, still sore from the toll I had to pay to keep them alive.
"Ladies, what are you doing here? You're not the usual scumdogs of the universe that frequent this place. I know this is a royal seal; what happened to King Lexor?" I asked, pointing to the tattoo in the center of her chest.

The tanned one spoke up, still weak from the toxin and half asleep. "My name's Queen Violet Valentine from the House of Centauri. I'm here on a mission to find 'Ben of the Golden Light.' My parents are dead; Ferians killed them. I need Ben's help."

She couldn't help but fall back asleep because of the poison.

My heart sank like a fucking rock in the deepest ocean on Europa. She didn't remember me, but she used to be a little hellion. Her father used to have me track her down and take her back. She was 15 back then; she loved to party in the Thal nebula. He was the only one that stood up for me at my excommunication trial. Fuck, I owed him and needed to eradicate whoever killed him. Let's just say she was far from that teenager now.

Fuck, the Ferians, why'd it have to be them? Ferians aren't human; they're parasitic organisms that take over a host body. Once fully embedded in the host, they set everything to hyperdrive. They increase brain function, lung function, heart capacity, and adrenal activity. In computer terms, they basically overclock the CPU. Of course, human bodies can't take that much stress for too long. The Ferians literally take three-quarters of the lifespan from the host. Once done, they move on. They're so evil and vicious, it's said they were created by Lucifer himself. That's why they're called Luciferians, or Ferians for short.

I looked over to her friend. I moved the tiny bit of beautiful red hair from her eyes and whispered, "Who or what are you, my beautiful space Angel? Where do you come from ..."

Jeanette came down to the Den with some food and asked how the patients were doing. I said, "They're doing OK; the toxin should be out of their system in a day or so. By the way, my ass is doing just fine. Thank you for asking."

Jeanette and I had been just slightly more than friends with benefits for a long time. She was buck wild and always had these freaky-ass kinky ideas. Part of me never wanted to do the act that dare not speak its name; the other part of me wanted to save these ladies' lives, and then the other part couldn't get enough of Jeanette's sexy fucking smile. I owed her so much. Truth be told, I actually loved her, but I dared not tell her for fear of her ego getting bigger than it already was. But she still could have at least used more fucking lube.
Jeanette clapped back, "You know you enjoyed it, you dirty bastard; besides, it wasn't like I was going to kick any of you out. I just wanted an excuse ..."

"You fucking ... Mmmmmmm."

Jeanette kissed me before I could say another word. Man, she had a tongue that could lick the protective coating off a spaceship.

At that moment, my new favorite redhead woke up. She was groggy and said her name was Princess Riley Blackstone of the Thal nebula.

"Where am I?" she asked. I replied, "You're in a bar on the outer rim of the Milky Way; you were about to experience a death worse than death. You've been out for three days; please eat something."

Jeanette gave her a little bit of food and some water.

"Don't eat too fast, sweetheart; take your time. You were poisoned; it's going to take a little time before you're back to full strength."

Riley started pounding the food like a wild animal. She ate up every last morsel and burped a nasty, loud, long burp. It was simultaneously one of the most disgusting and endearing things I had ever seen.
Jeanette commented, "That's a helluva compliment about my cooking."

Riley laughed and said, "Sorry, it was really delicious."

"What are you doing here?" I asked.
Riley responded, "We're looking for some long-lost warrior named 'Ben of the Golden Light.' Violet says that he knows the location of the lost 'Pleasure Planet,' said to house the greatest weapon in the Universe."

I responded, "That weapon was never meant to be used unless it was an emergency. And that planet is in the center of Orion's Belt, protected by a meteor shower. It's impossible to get to. Get some rest; we'll talk when you and Queen Valentine are fully recovered."

The Pleasure Planet was a covert military base created in the 27th century. It gets its name because, on the surface, it was the most debauchery-laden place you'd ever seen: whores, gambling, orgies, drugs ... more whores and drugs. Underneath, however, was a military scientific installation said to have created the greatest weapon ever made. Most thought it was a myth, but I was there. I accidentally touched down on it one day and was stranded until I could fix my ship. Nobody believed my story, but King Lexor did.

I tucked both of them in and said goodnight; Jeanette and I went upstairs to tend to the customers. I helped her tend the bar sometimes; this time, I owed her one ...

As we were tending the bar, I searched under the bar, reaching for some particular brand of bourbon. What I was really looking for was Jeanette's sweet ass. 😋
As Jeanette was doing business, for some reason, she kept on getting flushed. Several regulars came by, and she made their drinks while her face was flushed, biting her lip, and she was awkwardly trying to stand up. 😳

Customers knew that we had a thing going, and they knew Jeanette was a particularly freaky bitch. While I was down there licking her holiest of holies, customers would come by to order drinks and say sarcastic shit like, "You're doing the Lord's work down there, Ben. Keep it up." I placed a thumb up in the air triumphantly. At the very end, Jeanette screamed in bloody ecstasy, and I felt a little better about the events of three nights ago. The whole bar cheered and immediately went back to drinking.

"Asshole." To which I replied, "Your asshole was exquisite; I can't lie."
As she went to smack me, I caught her hand and kissed her deeply.
"Now we're even," I whispered, while she whispered back, "Fuck you."
"Maybe later," I said. She just smiled.

When the bar closed up and we were putting chairs up, sweeping the floors, and wiping down the bar, Jeanette asked, "Who's Ben of the Golden Light?"
I hesitated for a moment and told her, "That used to be me. Before we met, I was a Warrior of the Light Brigade; I was a Captain, actually."

Jeanette, stunned, then asked, "Why the fuck are you here?"

I responded, "I was excommunicated and forced to face a gauntlet; when I survived, I was banished. Then I immediately came here, still feeling the pain of being beaten."
"Why'd they beat you within an inch of your life?" Jeanette asked. "Because I fell in love," I responded.

Two days went by, and the girls were over the poison. I asked them, "Why were they talking to T'al and Klondor?"

Violet Valentine, still not recognizing me, probably because of the poison, responded, "T'al and Klondor said they knew how to find 'Ben of the Golden Light'; that's the only reason we had anything to do with those foul creatures."

"What do you want with Ben? Why is it so important to you?"

Violet responded, "Because we have reason to believe the Ferians are after the weapon at Pleasure Planet. We need to get there first, if not to use it, then destroy it. 'Ben of the Golden Light' is the only one who knows where it's located."

"Let me see what I can dig up," I responded

I had to talk it over with Jeanette; I owed her that much.

Needless to say, it didn't go too well.
"Why the fuck can't they find their own Pleasure Planet? I don't want you to go," Jeanette said.

"If I don't go, Jeanette, and the Ferians get that weapon, it's lights out for the Universe. I have no other choice; I have to help, plus I have a duty to King Lexor to avenge his killing." "I promise I'll come back. You know how I feel about you," I said.

"I love you, you asshole," Jeanette replied.
"I love you, too, you wild bitch," I said as Jeanette punched me in the arm.
It was the first time we really admitted it to each other.

I looked at her, and we knew what needed to happen. Everything had been locked up, and the storage room was empty. Just a bed in there for when I wanted to sleep.
I kissed Jeanette so passionately and laid her down on the bed, kissing her, loving her.

I pulled down her pants and played with her wild pussy and ass while I sucked on her nipples. We were both writhing in desire, hungry like we hadn't eaten in months. Speaking of that, I lifted her legs and licked her pussy while looking up at those wild eyes. I was not going to stop looking at her. She was going to cum, and I was going to be present when she did. I wanted her to feel the love I just professed to her; I wanted her to know that she was cherished. After she was wet enough, I buried myself inside of her, as far as I could go. Then I whispered in her ear, "I think I want my revenge now."
Without skipping a beat, she whispered back, "Take it." I slid into her ass and fucked her as I looked deeply into her eyes, and we climaxed as one. Afterwards, we held each other for hours. I was coming back for this woman, no matter what.

The next day, I told the girls who I was; I told them I would help. And I also explained the dangers. They agreed.
I said, "I have to get supplies, and we need fuel for the journey; we leave in a couple of days."

Both of them hugged me and thanked me; damn if I wasn't in love with Jeanette.
As we were getting ready to go, I got the girls in the ship, and I had already loaded up the supplies; the ship had plenty of fuel. Then something horrible happened. A blast was heard at Jeanette's bar. The Ferians had found us. More important than that—they were looking for me to get the location of the weapon.

"Go, get these girls to safety; I'll hold them off," Jeanette said.

"Please come with us; you'll be safe," I said.

"I have my bar. I have responsibilities," Jeanette said.

"Then at least let me kiss you goodbye."
As I kissed Jeanette goodbye, I felt wetness upon my hand caressing her back; my beloved, beautiful Jeanette was cut down in my arms. Killed by the Ferian spawn.

"NOOOOOOO, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" I screamed  as I pulled out my blaster and killed every last Ferian in sight.

I placed Jeanette's body over my shoulder and laid her down on a blanket. I kissed her forehead, started up the ship, and made the jump to light speed. Tears of rage filled me with hatred. Every last one of these fuckers was going to die.

As we drifted out into space, we were far from Jeanette's bar. I put her in a hypersleep pod and gave her a burial in space over the Big Dipper. I only cried twice in my life; this was the second time. Farewell, my dear Jeanette, you were the best. I'll always love you.

I'm going to fucking kill them all, baby; they're all gonna fucking die ...

Epilogue

Two days later, a hypersleep pod drifts safely onto the Planet Avalon.
Its Occupant opens her eyes ...

A study in Scarlett

[Spoken word, Glam Rock style]

This is abput the things you'd never thought you'd do, for the love you never thought you'd find.

[Verse]

She's got a heart full of love;
She got a mind of sin;
Get on all fours if you know what's good;
If you're ready for love, you better strap on in;

Shes got a sultry voice that's sweet like molasses;
She's got a sweet little angels heart;
She's got a pornographic mind and a loving soul;
She's got the equipment and she's good to go;

[Pre Chorus]
She's got that disposition that'll grab your minds attention;
From down under, can you hear that Thunder;
She'll has a smile on her face that'll take you under;
You're on all fours while she takes your soul;

[Chorus]

It's a study in Scarlett;
She's behind you, all the way;
It's a study in Scarlett;
She's got the aftercare to make you stay;
Oh ... the things you'll do for love;

[Verse]

She'll having you eating that vegemite sandwich;
You won't really know what's really happenin';
She's buttering you up for the ride of your life;
But you better make sure you that you hold on tight;

[Epic Guitar Solo]

[Pre Chorus]
She's got that disposition that'll grab your minds attention;
She's got the lube that'll make you groove;
With that sweet voice from way down under;
You'll smile all the way, while she tears you asunder;

[Chorus]

It's a study in Scarlett;
Buttering you up for the ride of your life;
It's a study in Scarlett;
She's got the aftercare to make you say alright;
It's a study in Scarlett;
She's got the skills that'll make you feel ok;
Oh ... the things you'll do for love;

[Outro Guitar Solo]