With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

Help us grow by taking our survey.

About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

Help us grow by taking our survey.

About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

Help us grow by taking our survey.

About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

Help us grow by taking our survey.

About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

Help us grow by taking our survey.

About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

Thriving is relational: it involves growing in deeper and more authentic connections with others, with our deepest values, with God or our sense of the sacred, and with ourselves. 

Dr. King’s research points to the paramount role of spirituality and faith in this journey.  With the team at the Thrive Center at Fuller Seminary, Dr. King has identified six research-backed and interconnected facets of spiritual health and organized them into a framework using the acronym THRIVE. And in the upcoming weeks, we’re going to dive into each facet, and re-air a Best Of episode from an expert – including insights from rock star developmental neuroscientist Mary Helen Immordino-Yang and psychologist Richie Davidson.

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

Help us grow by taking our survey.

About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

"To listen deeply to another person is a real gift that can be deeply healing." -Thich Nhat Hanh

One of the humbling things I’ve noticed about myself is how quickly I want to help.

A friend begins sharing something difficult, and before they’ve even finished speaking, part of my mind is already searching for solutions. I start connecting dots, remembering similar situations, wondering what advice I might offer. My intention is good. But I’ve realized that my own thinking can sometimes get in the way of truly listening.

This week’s With & For practice, inspired by my conversation with Parker Palmer, has been quietly reshaping how I think about love.

Parker describes one of the guiding principles of the Circle of Trust, a practice he has cultivated for decades:

No fixing.

No saving.

No advising.

No correcting.

The first time I heard these rules for engagement, they felt both freeing and impossible, because if I’m honest, so much of what I think of as helping is actually one of those four things.

Recently, I received the gift of deep listening. I thought I was seeking advice from a wise friend, but in the process of sharing, I realized as I listened to myself unload about an issue tormenting me, that I really needed the space that was being offered to hear myself. Through prayer, reflection, journaling, etc…, I often can discern my way forward. But, sometimes I lose clarity in what feels like the rat race of rumination in my mind! This opportunity to share with my friend, a practiced listener, allowed me to speak vulnerably from my depths and hear myself speak with surprising clarity. I am so grateful for moments like this with cherished and safe others. Who might be that person for you? It could be family, friend, therapist, spiritual direction group, or pastor.

Parker often speaks about our deep human longing “to be heard into speech.”

As a psychologist, I understand that people grow when they feel safe. They become more honest when they aren’t afraid of being judged. They become more open when they know they won’t immediately be corrected. Love creates that kind of safety. It doesn’t rush people toward answers. It creates enough space for deeper truths to emerge.

In this way, we can help others hear what Parker calls “the imperative of the soul.” Our loving presence and deep listening allow others to hear their deepest truths, convictions, and values. Parker reminds us of the soul’s persistent call toward authenticity, integrity, and vocation, a call that cannot ultimately be ignored without paying a personal cost. We can “listen another into speech,” allowing them to hear from their depths.

I wonder how often we miss those moments because we are too eager to speak?

A Practice This Week

As you listen to this week’s practice episode, I invite you to think about someone you care about. That person may be carrying a decision, a disappointment, a hope, or a burden.

Then ask yourself:

Remember the rules No fixing. No saving. No advising. No correcting.

Offer enough room for them to unfold.

You might be surprised by what emerges, and you might also be surprised by what emerges within you. Listen to the practice episode now by clicking the link below.

 In this practice episode, Parker will introduce us to his Circle of Trust model, which has been at the heart of his transformative work with individuals and communities. Afterwards, Pam guides you through a modified version of the practice—one designed to help you listen more deeply to the people in your life. It's based on Circles of Trust, which is spelled out in his powerful book, A Hidden Wholeness and also his Touchstones for courage and renewal. The research bears out--experiencing love--which involves being heard, is absolutely essential for thriving.

 Parker Palmer is an activist and author who has written 10 incredibly influential books – including Let Your Life Speak. And he founded the Center for Courage & Renewal, which supports leadership, vocation, and community formation. If you have not listened to the full episode, make sure you listen.

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

• Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.

• Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenter

• Follow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

About With & For

• Host: Pam King

• Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook

• Operations Manager: Lauren Kim

• Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen

• Senior Producer: Clare Wiley

• Executive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

“The practice of love offers no place of safety. We risk loss, hurt, pain. We risk being acted upon by forces outside our control.” - Bell Hooks, All About Love: New Visions

One way to think of spiritual formation is to ask yourself, who are you becoming? It’s a question that matters because becoming doesn’t happen accidentally. We’re formed by what we repeatedly practice and how we spend our attention, how we respond to others, and how we choose to love.

In this week’s With & For practice episode, filmmaker Nicholas Ma offers one of the simplest, but in reality most challenging, practices I’ve encountered. He asks:

Ask yourself…

What is one concrete thing I could do this week that would help each of them genuinely experience being loved?

I love this practice because it reminds us that love is not merely something we feel. Love is something we do.

Most of the time, loving someone isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about giving them our attention. Listening without checking our phones. Remembering what matters to them. Bringing home their favorite coffee. Running an errand. Offering encouragement. Being patient when we’d rather correct. Showing up. These small moments are how love becomes visible.

In this week’s guided practice, I’ll invite you to bring three people to mind.

What is one concrete act of love that would help this person genuinely feel seen, cared for, or encouraged?

Notice that the question isn’t:

“What would make me feel like a loving person?”

The question is:

I invite you to call the person to mind and really think about what they need. Sometimes the most loving thing is encouragement. Or patience. Sometimes it’s simply listening. Sometimes it’s respecting healthy boundaries while choosing kindness anyway.

Over the next few days, I invite you to carry out all three acts of love.

Keep them simple. Don’t wait for the perfect opportunity. Pay attention to what happens. Listen to the episode and then ask yourself the following questions.

• How did they receive your act of love?

• What emotions surfaced for you?

• Did loving become easier?

• Did this practice reveal places where God might still be growing your capacity for patience, generosity, or compassion?

Love is one of the central virtues of the Christian life. Like every virtue, it grows through practice. Every small act of love becomes another opportunity for Christ to shape our hearts.

If you want to develop more relationship skills, the Thrive Center has developed a Relationships Guide with tangible practices and skills you can work on for better relationships. Go to www.thethrivecenter.org and download it now. There will be follow-on posts over the next several months to support your growth.

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

• Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.

• Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenter

• Follow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

About With & For

• Host: Pam King

• Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook

• Operations Manager: Lauren Kim

• Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen

• Senior Producer: Clare Wiley

• Executive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

“I call consolation every increase of hope, faith, and charity, and all interior joy which calls and attracts the soul to its Creator and Lord.”
—St. Ignatius of Loyola

Each year, Elizabeth Oldfield reads back through her journals to notice the deeper movements of her life. Drawing from the Ignatian tradition of the Examen, she asks simple but profound questions:

• Where was their connection?

• Where was I moving outward?

• Where was I becoming more fully alive?

She also pays attention to the harder places.

• Where did fear lead me to withdraw?

• Where did disappointment make me defensive?

• Where did I find myself reaching for distraction instead of deeper sources of meaning?

I find variations of Elizabeth’s practice very formative in my life. Whether I use more Ignatian Examine prayers, like you can find on the Pray as You Go app, or I might quietly scan my day, week, month, attuning to times of light and aliveness and more shadowy times of dis-ease, dread, and anxiety. I’ve noticed when I spend time with practices like these regularly, overtime I gain deeper insight into what circumstances I feel more fully alive and purposeful. In addition I gain a greater sense of where God is calling me.

The last month has been pretty darn challenging for lots of reasons. It’s been a “when it rains it pours” season. As I followed Elizabeth’s prompts and prayers, I was struck by how being with one of my family members, in the midst of a dire health crisis, has been especially tender. I feel the need to be present and connect. Although the circumstances are extremely trying, involving suffering and loss, for me this practice points to how precious this relationship is to me and to the absolute importance of connection and accompanying one another in the most trying moments.

The Ignatian tradition offers two words for these complicated situations and our response to them: consolation and desolation. Consolation is our movement toward greater faith, hope, joy, love, and connection with God and others - the things that make us more fully alive. Desolation is the movement away from that life, drawing us toward fear, isolation, discouragement, or disconnection.

It’s important to note that consolation and desolation are not just emotional states. They are movements or orientations of the heart. You can feel grief or pain and still be in consolation, because suffering can deepen trust, love, and intimacy with God. Consider a time that you accompanied someone through a hard time. Likewise, you can feel happy or successful and yet be in desolation if those experiences pull you away from God or from your deepest self. Have you had that experience, when life was going great on one level, like you are checking all the boxes, but it didn’t feel that way on the inside?

• Where did you turn towards connection today?

• How did it feel to surrender?

I don’t believe thriving begins with having all the answers, but when we are willing to tell the truth about our lives, we create space for God’s grace to meet us where we really are.

 Elizabeth Oldfield is a writer, coach and host of the podcast The Sacred, who has dedicated her work to exploring clarity, courage and most of all, connection. Join Pam on Substack, where we’ll be sharing and asking you: where did you turn towards connection this week?

Links and resources

• About Elizabeth Oldfield

• The Sacred podcast 

• Fully Alive: Tending to the Soul in Turbulent Times book

• Fully Alive, Elizabeth’s Substack 

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

• Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.

• Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenter

• Follow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

About With & For

• Host: Pam King

• Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook

• Operations Manager: Lauren Kim

• Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen

• Senior Producer: Clare Wiley

• Executive Producer: Jakob Lewis

• Produced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can.” — John Wesley

I confess loving kindness isn’t always easy for me. It requires me to spend time engaging someone who is challenging for me in my mind and heart. Recently, I’ve been practicing loving kindness toward a pastor whose convictions I am vehemently opposed to. I won’t go into details, but his words and actions stir really deep feelings of anger in me. Loving kindness meditation has allowed me to see him in a new light–as a beloved human being, made in the image of God, with similar needs and longings as I have. I still disagree with his beliefs and actions, but the structure and rhythm of loving kindness meditation has allowed the prickly and hostile emotions to subside a bit.

My experience with loving kindness is that meditation and prayer can serve to diffuse hostile emotions so I can interact with the actual person in more clear and less emotionally tangled or hostile ways. At least on good days…

Perhaps you are finding that you now are really struggling with a family member who has different political views, or maybe you are divorced and can’t stand your ex. Maybe you have a teenager who is putting you through it. Try practicing loving kindness toward them.

Listen to and practice with my colleague and friend, Fuller faculty, Dr. Brad Strawn as he guides us through this practice. Extend this practice to yourself. Sometimes it’s hard to wish goodness for ourselves, but I want to encourage you to try this.

Before you practice, I want to ask you…

Click and listen to the practice now. Apple Podcast I Spotify I Youtube

Leading us through this practice is  Dr. Brad Strawn, licensed psychologist, ordained minister and one of the leading figures in the integration of psychology and Christian theology in the US. Don’t miss my full interview with Dr. Strawn. 

 Here today we have a simple practice that takes 5 minutes and you can practice any time you need to ground yourself and foster a sense of compassion with others. And you can count on it to change your brain. 

 Come on over to my Substack this week, With & For by Dr. Pam King, where I'm asking you to share a surprising moment that you experienced unexpected kindness from a stranger or even someone you were at odds with. 

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” — Carl Jung

I met the brilliant Bonnie Wan at the Liberty Road conference last fall where we were both speaking on the topic of purpose. It took about 30 seconds, and I was smitten by her! She is so wise, so grounded, and has a kind of effervescent energy that I can’t get enough of. Her process of getting really real with yourself intrigued me, so I bought her book and invited her to be a guest on my podcast.

Wow, was my time with Bonnie formative! So much so that I ended up doing some personal coaching with her - and we got deep fast. Her process helped me to reach some new levels of clarity. Perhaps not a shocker to many of you, but I saw with fresher eyes how I tend to make decisions based on what I believe is expected of me. This is part of life, but sometimes there are so many expectations, it’s easy to be holding too many things–that you start dropping ones that matter. I find deep joy in caring for others (family, friends, anyone!), but going through The Life Brief, really helped me see how focusing on who and what really matters to me and my deepest sources of joy helped me get clear on how I can be more grounded and rooted in this season in my life.

Another big “aha” that came up in this first “getting messy” stage—

I’m grateful to Bonnie and her process. Together they’ve helped me begin to identify how to get rooted in my work, strengthen my “trunk,” and which branches to prune or lay down.

So if you are at a cross-roads in your own life or just looking for some fine tuning, grab a pen and paper (or a journal) and follow Bonnie’s guidance and prompts. You won’t regret it.

To get the most out of this practice, you’ll need to commit time to it (just 10 minutes a day for 10-14 days). I did it, and wow!! But, she’ll explain, so press play button below and Practice with me. Apple Podcast I Spotify I Youtube

Bonnie offers three journaling prompts for getting real with yourself.

1. If you gave yourself permission, what would the best-case scenario look like?

2. What is sacred or non-negotiable to you?

3. And lastly, what is holding you back?

Bonnie Wan is going to guide us through two exercises to help you tune into your inner compass. For ten minutes every day for two weeks, Bonnie invites you to get messy by journalling on three powerful prompts: 

1.  If you gave yourself permission, what would the best case scenario look like? 

2. What is sacred or non-negotiable to you? 

3. What is holding you back?

Bonnie Wan is a strategist, bestselling author, and creator of The Life Brief: A Playbook for No Regrets Living. Make sure you listen to our full interview with Bonnie. And join me on Substack to read how getting messy has helped me – and I invite you to share your own reflections. 

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

• Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.

• Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenter

• Follow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

About With & For

• Host: Pam King

• Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook

• Operations Manager: Lauren Kim

• Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen

• Senior Producer: Clare Wiley

• Executive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” — Brené Brown

Hello and welcome to a series of “summer” practices that I hope will nurture you on the journey of becoming more fully alive, with and for others.

 I’m starting the series with self-compassion. Which is much deeper than self-care, which often gets trivialized to baths, bonbons or binge watching, but it is an invitation to reorient the way you live your life—to orient it through love. And really the invitation is to love oneself—deeply. We cannot love others until we love ourselves.

It’s important to note that true self-compassion isn’t selfish—it enables us to connect to the rest of humanity. That’s one of the main pieces of wisdom that I took away from my conversation with Dr. Kristin Neff. So, in this practice episode, Kristin will lead us through her self-compassion break. It’s a simple but powerful five-minute exercise that invites you to consider something you’re struggling with—and then respond with kindness. I’m doing this practice right alongside you. Once you listen and engage in the practice, I want to ask you…

If it’s hard for you to come up with those words, imagine what words of kindness would you use to support a close friend?  What would you say to a good friend who’s in the exact same situation you’re in?

Press play button below and Practice with me.

Here’s some of my raw and honest reflections from practicing Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break:

An area that I generally struggle in, and you can laugh—with me—is how to more effectively encourage others in their journeys of thriving and healthy forms of spirituality. I always think I should have the best, strategic, impactful answers and solutions, and I don’t. Self-compassion practices help me realize I tend to be really hard on myself assuming I should be able to super-strategize to optimize. Not having all the answers can send me into a shame spiral.

Kristin Neff’s self-compassion break is really helpful for me, because it

• slows me down, allowing me to be mindful and

• connect authentically with my vulnerability,

• recognize my earnest intentions, and

• acknowledge the UNREALISTIC expectations I put on myself.

Moving to Kristin’s second invitation—I realize how so many other humans are like me, and that I’m maybe not such a freak and realize once again, I and we all have foibles.

Third, to extend myself self-compassion, I have begun to proactively notice when I start to shame myself for not doing more, knowing more, or being more. I am trying to become quicker at recognizing thought patterns that include the words “I should.” And realize that “shoulding/sh*@ting on myself” is not helpful, and is only going to take me down further and render me less effective.

Instead of going hard on myself with “should,” I ask myself what “would” allow me to be more open to accepting myself and allowing me to dwell in God’s grace. Then I practically ask myself—“How can I get help in this area?”

My emerging takeaway this summer from practicing self-compassion—is that my beating myself up and being hard on myself is a bad habit that is not only counter-productive, but it gets in the way of allowing me to experience God’s love and love from others. And that eventually prohibits me from extending that love to others.

How did the practice land for you? Did you gain any insight into yourself? Please respond here and let’s talk.

As you move through the summer, my hope is that you’ll make room for practices that help you become more fully yourself.

Lord, have mercy.

Grateful, we are all on this journey together. Pam

Leave a comment

In this practice episode, Kristin will lead you through her self-compassion break. It's a simple but powerful five-minute exercise that invites you to consider something you're struggling with, and then to respond to yourself with kindness. 

Join me on my Substack, where I’ll be discussing my own self-compassion journey, and invite you to share yours. 

This is the first episode in our special summer series of wisdom practices: short exercises that will become your toolkit for thriving. Consider them your experiment in becoming more fully alive. 

With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health.

• Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.

• Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenter

• Follow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter

Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking.

About With & For

• Host: Pam King

• Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook

• Operations Manager: Lauren Kim

• Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen

• Senior Producer: Clare Wiley

• Executive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios

Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

This Substack creates a place to go deeper with ideas and practices to promote thriving. So many people are renegotiating or navigating faith and spirituality, I wanted to offer practices that are designed to enable you to get grounded, connected, and directed. Each week this summer, I’ll be sharing a practice through the With & For podcast (also embedded in this Substack). I’ll offer you some prompts for reflection and invite you to share your reflections from practicing. I’ll be doing the same—practicing (I need it!), and I’ll also be sharing my personal experience and reflections. You can see the guests who will be offering their practices in the calendar above.

We can’t grow alone. Not that a Substack is a substitute for relationships, but it’s a way to connect around transformative content. So please practice along with me each week and let me know how it’s going.

Look for a new practice each Monday here, and I’ll post follow-up questions for you on this Substack.