disclaimer : I do not know how the periods stopped auto inserting here but what an interesting turn of events they stopped happening half way through … like we walked off the cliff into its-all-just-void … a S L O S H 🤷‍♀️🌀 have fun

I hang out at zero a lot honestly . It’s like my safe little energy mastery hovel … so I don’t get lost in mediocre along the way … I’m like building ammo (maybe is a good word for it?!) and I trust there will be massive overflow

just caught myself writing this ^^^ text to a pal who purchased the zap challenge at a random time in between rounds. I didn’t even know the cart was open which dang is leaky of me, baby … but me operating on my own I’ve been like that ~ oopsie … I do feel the drain and strain of it but more so it affects my service in that the field is available to wobble and my faculties are in an alert, which isn’t exactly what I intend to offer.

Im really aiming to be empress. R E L A X E D (and I am now more than ever to suuuuch a great degree) (this stuff works)…. and I am quite the mountain goat so I confess my ascension into ongoing empress mode is particularly zigzaggy.

Every sharp angle in the zig-zag is a zero point.

I go seemingly to rock bottom there. It’s a suffocating little spot. Belly churns immensely and I’m not sure I’ll make it. I visit the underworld intensely.

It’s probably both more and less dramatic than you’re imagining.

I meet an extremely hyper-aware rock bottom inside myself. Over n over again. Like I’ve gone all the way deep into a seriously foundational point.

It usually involves looking broke. Letting go of a lot of people and things and places and identities. It’s wild ….

It’s seriously a wilderness

The average person would be fried into insanity and I wish that on absolutely no one because the systems and overwhelming perceptions in place are unkind

I myself have evaded the systems since I came of age I hit sixteen and was like ‘this is nuts I feel fucked and I’m getting to the bottom of this and there’s no way your bullshit approach is getting me there “

When I say bullshit I specifically mean the shallow operating system not taking my depths into account at all and actually fucking poisoning me against myself !! Ahhhhhh

I am definitely a woman who would have been dropped off by husband father brother … to the asylum and not been picked up even when the letter arrived that I was cooked and ready

People have always known things about me I couldn’t acknowledge were different about myself the extreme psychic nature capacity to merge , to fully feel someone , to have my energetic self stretch through their personal system, examining them to try to understand them and what the fuck was going on with all the constipation and fighting

seriously “what the fucking fuck” is all I can imagine I was up to in my head as a baby toddler child … it’s all I really remember … trained to be scared of myself and silence myself super early on gaslit to all shit and boxed up in a shallow grave with not enough air

I don’t know when I started tantruming … but eventually I really wanted to stop and I learned how … which is what we’re actually talking about …

The crux of all the tension it’s the crucible the hottest point of alchemy … separating all the pieces … you’re meant to feel pretty crazy … S T R E T C H E D …

that’s accurate and that’s what I’m calling rock bottom

It has a lot of different looks… I’ve explored many …

I used to tantrum really regularly and I started solving that SLOP with getting various versions of what people are calling sober but I really am coming to refuse that word because it makes me feel like vomit like im dead without the glory …

death for me is G L O R I O U S

such a good friend.

Death is such a good friend.

I said it twice and I’d say it again.

In training the tantrums I was excavating my friendship with death … refusing to be scared of myself … noticing that at the centre of the tantrum was an animalistic impulse to leave everyone … to rip my clothes off .. my skin off if I could !!

I’m going to pause there & talk soon. Xo

P.S. this is going in the direction of money. and a humorous timeline of vehicles. more metaphors in general. And relationship, definitely. Always relationship.

Oh funny the automatic periods came back at the bottom. We landed the LEAP! FukYes. I love this so much. Exactly.

with you.

we’re going to rewrite the twelve steps according to apocalypta dcfo antidote aesthetic ZAP mission: mastery… and then swirl around and around and around in the gene key codon rings in the order of their correspondence to the major arcana of the tarot…

FYI i did consciously succeed at a 12 year self-orchestrated experiment to alter my living reality of being addicted to the emotional rollercoaster of alcohol. the devils drink. i am feeling pleasure in calling it this because i have intimately wrestled my shame around it … and won. the losing is in not occupying the seat of full authorship of your own story.

the devil doesn’t have me as much as he used to. but still…

someone had me read a prayer the other day while they were driving me to the music studio. there was a line about renouncing satan and i stumbled on it.

it held my attention in a way i could no longer be particularly present with the next words i was reading even though they were jubilant and meaningful. i had been full of character and expression until i stumbled on satan. i am affronted by this concept of the devil as a bad thing because often i feel devilish, devil’s advocate. always seeing everything from every angle.

so maybe there is some shame still forcing a wrestling match. i am not completely comfortable with myself as equally capable of being demonic as angelic. i can just as easily spread the accumulation of density as i can contribute to healthy active angelic circulation. it is so accessible/easy to let judgment

i guess we call satan the fallen angel because of judgment and opinion. an angel’s frequency is too high for judgment and opinion. a master would have to lower their frequency to gain access to being able to be in the more dense frequency of judgment and opinon.

holding on to density and defining one’s self by it = judgment and opinon. making selections of approval-worthy angles of perception instilling suffering in attempts to decipher duallity. NO THANKYou.

i recycle a lot but i am also still lounging in some lazy self-sabotaging.

hearing sensing seeing exactly my opportunity for evolution and evading it.

the devil does still have me. sucking on my toes. luring me off my guard.

but what are we guarding against?

satan is just another word for separation. but it got all distorted in people’s interpretations mainly instilled by institutions that cultivated fear to weaken people’s personal power. lambs to the slaughter.

i think of hell as the heart of our own heart … the central central spot in the torodial field. the one that touches the most flow. too hot to touch for most of us … we shield our eyes… we lie to ourselves… we stay shallow… we let the depths be relatively stagnant to spare ourselves… keep depth of honesty separate from our everyday experiencing. NOT ME.

i feel friendly with the devil. i am not scared of satan. i honestly evidently still side with him sometimes. i am not in my full blown mastery. i am not vibrating at the frequency of totally transcendent non-judgment.

nonjudgment is something i easily hold open in many many moments. but im yet to circulate enough electricity to maintain the state continuously.

((( i hold confessional booth for subscribers … to acclimatize the sensations of nonjdugment in your personal system … drop in for one on one with apocalypta and leave feeling lighter … because your circulation was served. )))

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I walk in the valley of death. through the fires that burn away everything. the heat of sincere innocence is obliterating. it looks at you with acceptance and that scorches your very faculties obsessed with keeping certain aspects unseen.

so much resistance. i have loved to distract myself from healthy active circulation to be familiar, stuck in overthing … and that often leads me to attempting to do other people’s work for them… which is a boundary cross on my part…. can you relate?

anyways i dont think i mention anything about any of that in either of these videos… but it’s all connected.

ps. i’ve got a subscription going again .. .. extended posts in certain places … community chat … and live calls (confessional booth) (ask apocalypta anything) … and occassional inspired workshops… coming up mid november : fknFERAL.

Subscribe now

or you can just get in on the next workshop : fknFERAL

emotional mastery for the honest & kind … bambi with teeth … WAY BETTER understanding of boundaries … and the targets to focus on while moving ELECTRIC REACTIONARY energy …

graduate this 2 hours together with an ammo pack of bite-size practices & deep perception techniques for being exquisitely aware & effectively relaxed without sacrificing the precision of your animal intelligence. AMEN. see u soon.

fknFERAL: Two live sessions:

• THURS Nov 19 2-4pmPST

• SATURDAY Nov 21 2-4pmPST

• no recording or replay

• come to one or both

love, APOCALYPTA

I want to talk things out with you

Healing. Recovery. Spirituality wars. Emotional mastery. Deeeeep mental stability. Physical relief and golden best case scenarios manifest.

You dig?

By healing I mean recovery. And by recovery I mean being kind to the spoons we’ve got and using them efficiently and effectively to dig our way out of prison.

I feel it’s really important to understand that that is what we are up to. Like however you’re participating in life is how you’re declaring your freedom.

Spoons being a niche term for mental capacity.

I want to be removed from the maze of weighing and measuring everything with my brain to decide if it’s bad or good … I want to be kind to my body.

I want to feel easy moving around in this world - even as it is - even in the apocalypse we face - nose to nose - illusions crumbling now.

By recovery I mean LeT IT CrUMBLE. I’m already standing at the centre of myself so it’s no problem to let everything go. I am healed. I am a self-centred cunt who really just focuses on her own honesty and doesn’t have time for much else.

I do love to devour others in their artful honesties too.

That is my life in a nutshell shell. Make art. Make love. Sometimes we laugh sometimes we scream and it’s all a delight in the overflowing fascination that becomes us at our best.

I pray to write daily. To sum up the sense of being M O V E D day by day. To make commentary on the passions and things I find important to contemplate over and over and over again. Lest I forget and get lost in something irrelevant (giggle).

Let us be merry and bright without shying away from anything at all.

Deep reclamation of authentic incandescence.

Rip the bandaid

The things on my mind and heart today are :

How I might have cursed the person I love most with the story I was telling

How I might be able to undo it … probably … pretty likely … just need to focus & establish really strong fresh frequency rhythm

How much bitches people are even when they were like desperate clinger to be your friend …. Oh how someone can turn and it’s wild how many times I seem to wanna experience gobbling up all the red flags then gagging immensely … toxic intended tensions

How much bitch I am when I don’t tell the whole truth or I shit talk behind peoples backs … which is very different than cunt who cuts through the bullshit and just holds the line keeps its real

How much I love chocolate covered coconut and the word macaroon…

Adios for today. Good luck out there.

APOCALYPTA kelsey

I’m grateful old shitty stories have to surface to be recycled but on their way out their presence can feel so believable.

I’m grateful to be liberation oriented and get lost. I’m grateful free falling through the mystery untethered can feel like coming undone. I’m grateful how often it happens. I’m grateful it’s like a familiar bus route back home… but there’s no wheels no seats no driver no companion people … just me and the endless abyss infinitely attracted to each other whirling and twirling orienting an invisible landing at an invisible centre in an invisible landscape.

I’m grateful I can see it.

I’m grateful to be surrounded by temptation. I’m grateful so many things seem worth worrying about. I’m grateful stress and worry is maybe the most common human language on earth currently and that’s a real living puzzle for us to wrestle our way out of.

I’m grateful to be oh so tempted to send text messages first thing as the thing my thumbs do trekking across the letter pad. I’m grateful to feel stream of consciousness so available first thing and often it wants to flow in the form of letters. I’m grateful to seek resolution seek smoothness but I also see the tendency in me to want to explain everything in an attempt to create perfect order. I’m grateful to notice this trap has been with me a long time.

I’m grateful when I typed trap I suddenly came into awareness that both my elbows are pinned to my sides by the bodies of dogs pressed upon me. I’m grateful there are all kinds of traps… sensations of being stuck… but all of it all of it all of it comes undone surrendering back to mystery. I’m grateful the traps are useful in feeling the futility of fighting and highlight exactly the atrocious need to express expel exercise exorcise energy. I’m grateful we can do this through movement or visualization. Grateful sometimes movement feels like too much … like I am scared when happens if I take a step.

Grateful it’s never a mistake to start swinging my arms like a gorilla but it can feel just so damn impossible or intimidating. I’m grateful for my familiarity with freeze and how it’s been helping me to find deep internal stillness. I’m grateful I have no desire to push through but a definite distaste for remaining stuck. I’m grateful there’s a middle ground of dropping in and all the way through. I’m grateful sometimes that only takes a moment but sometimes it seems like days… and some days it feels like that’s all I’m up to this lifetime.

I’m grateful for the tv characters floating around my consciousness right now because I consumed so much of them yesterday. I’m grateful when I’m feeling trapped in an absence of family I find a show to hold me and how many people can relate to that?! I’m grateful I get attached to the collection of characters, feeling with them, invested in their journey and what else defines family if not that?! I’m grateful they have no idea who I am or what I’m up to and that feels both awkward and liberating.

I’m grateful for frequency music on YouTube while I’m avoiding all contact with human gatherings, even tho all our bodies crave a good sound bath. I’m grateful avoiding feels both accurate and inaccurate. I’m grateful community feels complex … and I’m seeking simple. I’m grateful to lay on the earth beside a fire. I’m grateful the fresh second fire pit in my backyard has this perfect lounge seat carved into the earth … a big divot for my butt that sets my back at ease. I’m grateful the comfort was not planned, but it arrived.

I’m grateful how much everything feels suspended mid-air, and I wonder if I missed a leap. I’m grateful to tap some more across my collarbones repeating how I cannot miss what is meant for me. I’m grateful the way my belly muscles clench and relax, denoting stress and relief.

Hallelujah anyways

Love always

APOCALYPTA

www.apocalypta.me

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Rubik's cubes and chess have never really appealed to me. I feel absolutely no need to fiddle with that algorithmic play. My mind is already occupied. I’m deep listening inside for the textural noises of snap crackle pops as I string words together. Am I making smooth passage?

The other day my son tried to come between me and the screen. I hold my phone up with my pinkies while my thumbs blast across the letter pad.

He’s like how can you keep typing while I’m in the way?

My thumbs know where the letters are by now, I say.

He’s kind of impressed kind of disgusted. Probably 50/50 and I respect both angles of automatic opinion.

There’s so many times in my kids life where I’ve been glued to the device… in a very specific fixation… barfing up information in the notes app and then sticking my fingers into the vomit organizing it better … and better … and better. Sometimes seemingly unable to stop until there’s a specific PoP. A breakthrough. A completion of some sort….

Something short-circuiting, and I have to find the kink in the hose.

Sometimes my shadow work came before my parenting. Like kind of a lot. Which makes me uncomfortable to say … but also I feel FukYes this is what makes me okay with myself as a parent.

I definitely did not consider myself mother material … mostly because I am so busy inside myself and do not want to be disturbed.

But Maru arrived his Jupiter (I LOVE it / great FoRTuNE) holding hands with my Pluto (karmic transmutation / deep dark intensive awareness) … in the eleventh house (community evolution / redefining high functioning for the future) …. In the sign of Scorpio (rebirth / shared resources/ power).

Yes our charts ended up with the same layout … the same archetypes in the same houses. We cute like that. It kinda feels like a finished Rubik's Cube that I didn’t fully know I was playing …

Like his arrival is a high five from life… that I get to be the mother of THiS kid and he grooves with me THiS well.

He also HeLLA calls me to task.

I did NoT want to put my phone down even though he was adorably asking for attention and connection. He’s like please mummy watch me do this Rubik's Cube… I forced myself … and no one knows if it was three seconds or three minutes I was able to squeeze my gaze into the direction of his fingers manipulating plastic … his smiling energy rippling all around us.

I drifted back to my typing. His shoulders dropped. Common!

I’m like … my dude … these words are my Rubik's Cube!

What a eureka moment. I felt so fucking seen in my own expression.

Like… please… I’m in the middle of deciphering an invisible algorithm and letting everything align … it’s hard on my awareness to ask it to stop.

Relief will arrive.

I’m just another kid completely amused with my toy. I’m a kid in the corner in their favourite chair refusing to feast with the family because I’m onto something.

I like that we, me and my kid Maru, are same same but different. I like that I have great confidence as I keep PoPing through the conundrums of dissonance that I become more n more truly available to parent as my real self … which is the desire I expressed while pregnant.

Pregnant and petrified of all the shitty shit I knew was hiding in me and humanity.

See Pluto isn’t particularly obsessed with personal shadow work … it’s the furthest planet of the solar system … demoted to what … an asteroid? A moon of some other celestial body? I’m going to leave it a bit of a mystery for myself as to what academics have deemed and continue experiencing Pluto as a planet because I cannot undo all the elementary school projects stacked up in my system.

I guess if I can do psycho level shadow work … I could actually easily rewrite how Pluto is perceived … I just don’t want to.

And that’s how most people feel about the kind of shadow work I do …

I just don’t want to. I don’t want to go that deep with you Kelsey.

How many times have I heard that this lifetime. UGh. But you are that deep, b*tch… like okay fine have fun with your self abuse ***pre-teen exaggerated eyeroll***

Again, I feel so freaky lucky that I manifested a child born of my body who somehow gets me. Wants my attention YES but he also feels blessed that I see through people and things the way that I do … because we get to meet each other in true deep acknowledgment of the tangles of social interplay … dissolve self-consciousness and shame … to just enjoy the game.

- - - -

Now that ZAP is in full swing (first attunement tomorrow) … I’m opening 2 spots for private apprenticeship with me. My keen attention escorting you intimately through the next 9 months. Hit me back if you’re interested; we’ll chat.

All my best,

APoCALYPTA

Think about that for a second. I required tolerance to get close to myself. I didn’t know that’s where this was going.

I started this thinking about the tolerance I’ve held towards someone else … able to see through their influenced behaviour into the heart and soul … having a lot of patience … sticking around being steady when they are all over the map…

Some of us learn to do that when love or availability is inconsistent as kids.

In our innocence we hold space. We have needs to be met and we also have natural favourites for who will meet those needs.

Tolerance as a quality that allowed me to get close to myself isn’t something I’ve really thought of before in exactly these terms … which is why I love to stream of consciousness …

To stream of consciousness, you must be able to tolerate the unknown and imperfection.

Standing in tolerance towards someone else feels more like a control mechanism. I am clear that I want you and so I will stay steady available to you as a control factor in getting what I want … which is your specific attention or presence … I will be here when it arrives…

I do not feel proud typing this … there’s a stitch in my lower gut like I just ran a marathon. Hahah I literally laugh I cannot imagine myself running an actual marathon… that’s never been appealing for me or my knees.

But marathons of tolerance is definitely apparently something I’ve been into… as a control freak … I can apply myself steadily to an outcome I would like to force into being. It feels sad to say that … but I do feel fortunate I can tolerate this honesty with myself.

In stepping away and away and away from relationships I had to tolerate … I got to apply this capacity for steadfast tolerance towards myself.

Turns out meeting my own needs is something I truly madly deeply desire and so the forcefulness of holding myself open towards neglectful or abusive people … awaiting scraps and breadcrumbs …

Is a reality I began to live in with myself … but as I consumed my own breadcrumbs I grew stronger. I became able to tolerate more and more sincere connection rather than more and more dissonance.

My belly is softening as I say this.

I want to roll over and go back to sleep… but I also want to get up and exercise. There’s a sort of continuous argument in me between dreamer and warrior characters. I’ve been witnessing this for a while … tolerating the discomfort of noticing the battle … being in the middle of it.

This is a major mega important aspect of alchemy : the merging of opposites … able to tolerate the weight of density … to carry it into the fire … and let it become transmuted.

It feels heavy … to have wars going on inside myself. Tolerating the process of becoming lucid enough to allow myself to feel it rather than continue all the ways I have loved to run from it.

I am able to hold a lot of space for myself now … to let pain surface and recycle.

I see a lot of people on the internet cheersing themself … first millionaire in their family … first homeowner in the family … rags to riches …

And I am arriving here at high-fiving myself for being the first in the family to be able to tolerate this process… of honesty and integrity with my own brain and my own body.

This has been the underlying dream all along … to be kind to myself.

I didn’t know that would mean becoming an alchemical energy master …

but so it is. I am that I am.

and so are you.

LOVING YOU.

apocalypta Xx

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a couple more videos about recovery. im so into how these conversations are unfurling. and it feels like an important journey of letting the grinches heart grow three times the size … kind of thing .. crushing obstacles breaking through barriers … in being exposed to innocence.

i’m never saying that i’m particularly innocent. but i have a really active relationship … an ongoing direct conversation with true deep innocence …

it’s the opposite of overthinking.

Accepting that the mind is allllll miiiiiine…. is both atrociously suffocating and completely relieving. i don’t know that I particularly address those sensations in either of these videos… but i think we precisely ride those waves. INTEGRATION.

xoxox more soon
APOCALPTYA

a few more days to jump in ZAP round one.
i extended the date a few times because im just following my fucking heart and it keeps opening. so much so im understanding this will be an offering that opens multiple rounds simultaneously. its a closed container of 90 days … but we will get many groups going … and it’s something you can ride through more than once .. more than twice and keep benefitting from … but at the same time it’s designed to intensely contribut to setting you free… even if you only take a nibble.

the permission is so potent … to really recover.
https://superjanis.wordpress.com/zap-challenge/

I’ve been speaking a lot about recovery but I need to clear something up.

I’m a technicolor dream coat party boat host kinda gal … I don’t really do sober … and when I try it on… it’s so heavy… like my inner child’s funeral or something… and I’m not interested in that.

Sober feels like the opposite of my aim. It feels the box I was told to fit in that has someone else’s handwritting scribbled on a flaking piece of masking tape “good”.

Sober feels like the HOOK that would grab ahold of me while someone was saying my dreams were pishposh rubbish poppycock … embarassing my imagination faculties … shaming my open system circulating energy into best case scenario possibility.

I am not good. Nor do i strive to be. Nor do i desire to be.

This is confusing territory but I find confusion is a direct request from the inner child to surrender to imagination.

Which reminds me of a YouTube ad I saw a few days ago about Michael Phelps, who they flashed on screen with thirty-six Olympic gold medals around his neck or something like that … and he said visualization is essential

visualize exactly what you want to happen, and also exactly what you don’t … and also a bunch of what if’s … so you integrate the sensations in advance… so you are emotionally steady no matter what happens .. you keep the frequency of best case scenario.

For me, recovery has never been about aiming for “sober.” Sobriety, in the conventional sense, feels too small, too sterile, and entirely misses the point of what it means to be truly alive. The truth is, existence itself is naturally psychedelic. I am not looking to dull the edges or find a safe, quiet baseline. I am meandering wandering wondering skipping, frolicking, and running AS FAST AS I CAN toward the ultimate high.

The ultimate high is my HONEST baseline.

It’s heavy it’s grungy … but in that it’s precisely light-hearted… it slices through … it begs you to be beyond resistance … a surrendered openness …

In my world, recovery means reclaiming contact with THAT absolute innocence.

Innocence is the most potent, unfiltered drug out there.

This isn’t about spiritual bypassing or finding a clever distraction to numb the pain. It is about a total, fierce incineration of shame. When you strip away that weight, what you are left with isn’t a blank slate—it is a mystical, wide-awake merging with the all. It is a return to a state so profound that no synthetic substance could ever compete with it.

But speaking in terms of glorifying innoncence i must say…

In a world of reptilian child eaters and other such sick stuff we see a culture obsessed with innocence in really perverted ways. We use our addictions to cope.

We see cultures of people tormented in addiction to substances that seem to lighten the mood or quench the threatening feelings trying to force their way into attention … but also distort the operating system in stressful ways.

I don’t wanna live like that. Nor do I wish to be sober…

A quick google search says sober means the following three things…

so no wonder the word puts me off:

Substance-free: Not having any measurable levels or effects from alcohol or drugs.

Serious and calm: Showing a thoughtful, quiet, or solemn mood without humor or frivolity.

Subdued: Plain or dull in color and tone.

I am never substance free… im inhaling toxins at every turn and even if the air was fresh … FRESH LIFEFORCE is SO NATURALLY PSYCHEDELIC MY duDES.

I AM huffing reiki breath through my body is the most baseline substance experience I’ve ever accessed. Like oh when I have this I don’t need any of the other stuff. Im huffing GOD directly I’m swallowing the earth. I feel huge and important and quantum infinite but humble and human and held.

until we access a light body that is functioning way more like a plant … we will be consuming consuming consuming and it’s complex …

but it’s simple when we reconnect with quantum communication and actually trusting our senses to lead the show.

so its not a question of being substance-free … sober is out … full-blown recovery is in … selecting the substances that circulate my attention and fresh life-force energy to my very core …

and I want it consistent … continuous. Yes.

Without humor or frivolity sounds fucking purely awful. And I know because I get stuck there sometimes. It’s my worst. It’s a hectic place of worrying about shit. I know I don’t have to live there. But so much of my consuming had me tied to repeatedly visiting that territory.

Plain or dull in color and tone … is just like … a lie.

I don’t want to eat that lie or live that lie. I don’t want to be sober.

I don’t mind plain colours or sun drenched faded colours or muted tones or delicious neutrals … but none are ever in a vacuum … it’s all an endless swirling … and the only thing I’ve ever really wanted is to not be scared in BiG SWiRL.

I think it’s easy to peg me in person or on the internet , perhaps due to my Pisces/Sag personality of beauty romance optimism higher perspective …. as a love n light freak who just wants things to be okay but doesn’t have a clue… a dizzy head with ideas of peace who maybe hasn’t had many problems at all…

In this… I love to reiterate my BFF friendship with rock bottom because that’s the centre spot … the not-at-all-sicko glory hole to slip through and let innocence really truly have you.

and I didn’t find it sober. & getting off on my own innocence isnt sober either.

I’ve got that happy-go-lucky disposition with a pile of bricks in my purse… and a resultant curvature in my spine requiring conscious YES YES YES to letting energy flow between higher and lower realms.

A Capricorn stellium in the first house (moon Saturn Uranus Neptune) … the density never evades me … not even in all of my abundant expanding optimism ….. unless I lose my purse … and that’s stressful … I only ever really did that drunk … on a sideways quest to forget I indeed accomplished my mission.

But in the morning I’d have to go hunt for it and drag my cute clutch full of granite boulders home while desperately hungover.

There’s a middle ground.

It isn’t sober and it isn’t wasted.

It’s hello, HERE. Alive at that center spot… okay with yourself.

Deeply and dearly okay with yourself…. not honhonhon lying to yourself, uncomfortable about honesty version of okay … that’s more like fine ……

….. ……. F …. I …. N … E …

Fucked up

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

aka NOT ENOUGH CIRCULATION opposite of embodied innocence… ***wounded*** … hahah thanks to my mother in law for that acronym that pops to mind absolutely every time someone says the word fine to describe their state of being. private laugh track inside myself. hehehe opposite of sober... frivolous in my enjoyment of real life.

I don’t want a fine sober or a fine inebriation.

I want groovy glorious naturally psychedelic flow.

There’s 4 more days to jump in round one of the ZAP challenge.
https://superjanis.wordpress.com/zap-challenge/

Love you, more soon,
kelsey quelsay APOCALYPTA hallelujah anyways

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I was at a friends the other day and she asked me about dating.

I don’t date I said. I’m not really very casual am I?!

We laughed. Who cares. I don’t have to be fuckin casual. I like that this friend in particular, in her consistent cheerleading… can say things to me with absolute sincerity … like:

“ well that was a very interesting choice of man to have a baby with.”

More devilishly disturbing laughter.

I love the friend who will encourage you to do the thing you absolutely, by all practical terms, should not do… because she can see your heart is in it…

and you love a challenge.

Someone entered my house around seven am yesterday.

An unfamiliar hour for someone to stop by. I stumbled down the stairs to find a another friend…. who I have in fact told they can stop by anytime. I fumbled out of bed to break up the commotion of dogs going wild. I was surprised and not surprised to see him.

Needing assistance but also ready for a nap.

Many creatures sleep in my arms and against my body these days. There’s a similar innocence among them that I feel honoured to be in close contact with. If I sleep upstairs there is a cat perched on my hip or belly most of the sleeping time.

If i sleep downstairs I’m either shutting the only door in the house to sleep on my own or alone with my eight year old son… or squished with four dogs in the smallest bed all presseing themselves into my legs and back and armpits and forehead.

But on this particular morning ~ yesterday ~ I did not go back to sleep snuggling. Often I am over-snuggling my alarm by hours… luxuriating in my psychic banter or praying or doing bite-size practices possible to conduct under the covers… etc.

Yesterday I stayed awake and composed a spontaneous two-hour reiki cave while the big phat musty angel slept sweetly then rolled over and snored laboriously.

I’m having fun being with conversations around recovery these days.

People are open to it. We’re flexible creatures, us humans with these raucous brains and massively intelligent bodies.

Recovery is part of the current of world conversation… picking up speed for sure … and my prediction is that it will grow massively, erupting in universally recognized need.

Five, six, seven years ago I was obsessed with autism and neurodivergence, but I held myself back from full business focus … which in retrospect is suspect… someone (me) (must) has a ceiling for success.

I hosted almost 400 people in a 30 day training to be high-functioning without disrespecting your neurodivergent self … redefining high-functioning and building momentum for a standard of respect … not fighting the systems or protesting… but accessing an upgraded frequency to represent us on the collective scene.

This is recovery. We’re digging through the layers to allow the circulation for grounded high frequency that is truly natural for neurodivergents.

This thereby therein or also attends to everything else we may be recovering from … as it all stems from the same exquisite sensitivity.

I sum up neurodivergence as… humans operating with exquisite - - - possibly extreme - - - access to multidimensional sensitivity.

I have a line up of short short bite size practices for premium impact in the direction of your-dreams/come-true-with-ease … that NONVERBALLY sum up these things i am saying … it is so much more efficient & efefctive to do these practices than to have these conversations. but i like both.

this collection of bite size pieces is part of the ZAP challenge… it is an excellent ammo satchel to rally & ready the troops ... your inner parts… for the neurodivergent revolution of recovery.

We are the new earth leaders shifting fixation to nonlinear appreciation & quantum energy mastery beyond the rigidity and shallow operating systems of our social history.

Recovery Remembering Rediscovery … all synonyms … is what we decided on the ZAP live call yesterday.

It’s an excavation of authentic integral innocence. Not a huge focus on anything we’re recovering from in particular other than the separation from fully inhabiting the core soul frequency aka empowered individual operating at sustainable deeply benevolent contribution.

Optimistic, fuck the limitations, in love with everything: freedom…

anchored in accessible habits that leave nobody behind because they breed silent signals of what we’re really capable of… a dissolution of the spiritual war… into feasting & love making that’s a part of exquisitely sensitive circulation necessity.

In love, purity, acceptance, detached presence, true presence, fearlessly feeling everything AND making it seem easy … cause with practice it really is.

Grab my recovery tactics short list & start integrating them into your life with me over the 90 days of Sept Oct Nov. join the ZAP challenge here.

Chill but not casual.

Deep but not dreary.

https://superjanis.wordpress.com/zap-challenge/

LOVE APOCALYPTA

Here’s a bit of what people are saying so far during the ZAP warm up weeks

(with people all over the world! ! ! )

mainly just feel that its very powerful and a lot happens and I also feel that when i listen to it when i feel a bit disconnected that it instantly connects me ❤️🌸

I’ve been having really good success with releasing energy stuck all over my body during the videos. It feels like coming home after a long day and finding a nice hot bath waiting

Your timing is impeccable. I came from the office and couldn’t have needed the weight removed audio more. Many thanks wizard.

Really loving the 7-minute daily practice! I can feel my energy being recycled, and it feels so good. Yesterday, Oliver, my dog who passed away in November, came up in my thoughts during the practice. I always admired his ability to shake things off, reset, and keep going. After yesterday’s practice, I feel like I can finally relate to and embody the experience of what it truly means to shake it off. It feels like I’m beginning to understand that quality on a deeper, more embodied level.

http://bit.ly/4pCKTgq

this is probably my worst side :

in my exhaustion I feel crazy here

I feel impatient & thrashy

The opposite of deep & easy …. my preferred state.

I feel tight strangled can’t breathe

Like I can’t stand being this vulnerable

Like my life is gonna shatter and who is gonna pick up the pieces?

I don’t trust anyone.

Everyone evidently idiots.

I love them but idiots.

Like I wanna control everything or slam it shut right right now

At least if I smash it I maintain a sense of sovereignty

Like I can’t possibly surrender …

Im WRITHING in resistance fighting myself on every front

Like I have to hold on forever & never get to be happy

even tho surrender is inevitable & it’s gonna feel so fuckin GOOD

…. Yea hectic … he replied to the single text message of all of the abovve.

Totally. i easily agreed. i melted in the simplicity offered.

love that u can sum it up in one word.

shadow work is so yum …

it’s just accepting everything from every angle.

It’s just getting off on your own deep multidimensional honesty.

Stretching presence into everything.

Do u even kno how much u just supported me ?

So simple so good 🤑🤑🤑

like it was satisfying on my own to narrate that shit honestly …

but wayyy better to be witnessed & reflected honestly.

I felt so so seen when it was summed up with “hectic”.

I flooded with adoration & arousal in every direction.

Humble surrender 👌👌

Relief 😘

Reflected honestly.

“i have no idea what you’re talking about.” was the next reply.

and i said

I mean that’s excellent .. sounds easy then

u made a huge FukYes impact for me … Just being simple honest

I don’t need someone to get swirled up in trying to understand … that’s annoying

I just want to play off of people brave enough to be honest

join the ZAP challenge … to be more honest wth yourself.

to deeply deeply enjoy honesty

love you.

https://superjanis.wordpress.com/zap-challenge/

I’m sharing recovery conversations because I thoroughly enjoy thinking of absolutely everything as a recovery effort. Life as we know it has INTERRUPTED our baseline intelligence .. and I, for one (and for all) would like to live from my most inherent intelligence rather that a shoddy superficial shallow “smart”.

I’d love to hear back from you what you consider yourself recovering from.

& I’d love to have you in the ZAP challenge … focused on how easy and effortless can an all-inclulsive recovery actually be?!

https://superjanis.wordpress.com/zap-challenge/

talk soon xox

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Everyone is not gonna like this channel, this topic, this approach, or this thing. Lady, person, creature, transmission device, radio station. My main job is to entertain myself in a way that Keeps me aligned and moving energy and I get off track and I get tangled up and it is in those adventures

that I am able to touch and be with human hunger in a way that enables me to have these conversations here and say come, come to my land of inquiry and imagination where we align ourselves Into a timelessness of the availability of the quantum reality, owning that we are multidimensional beings, this finite flesh suit

that anchors an infinite soul here on Earth at this juncture of time and space that is an illusion. A porthole, I guess, is this big, but a people, a loophole. Sometimes they’re tiny and almost invisible, but you can sense the texture of the loophole.

I want you to be so in tune with yourself that you can sense, taste, feel your way through. And you can feel the invisible loopholes that are disguised because they’re only available to people who are devoted, who can handle the high sensation, the high frequency. Psyche-centered, heart-centered, soul, sacral-centered.

We could talk about center in a billion different ways because all the words will only ever approach the unnameable, infinite thing that is the center of our beingness, of our consciousness. And it’s not the only focus. What we are recovering... Is our deep inner knowing of Einstein level intelligence.

But do you know that most of the world isn’t even applying at all the discoveries of Einstein, like one of the most beloved humans to have ever walked this earth, the most celebrated, the most talked about. We’re not even, it’s like Yeah, now Jesus is coming to mind.

We’re really not embodying the brilliance that has been shown to us, and that’s how it makes me feel all my life. That’s why I’m obsessed with this topic, because I’ve always been autistic consciously for the past 10-ish years, which is a long time in terms of the freshness Of the collective burst of awareness.

And that’s how I experience myself. A forerunner. You know, I am someone with a machete hacking the fucking pathways through the jungle. And I like it. It keeps me fit. I don’t mind doing it. I do need recognition as that is currency. For the projector, which is the design of my energy system. And I’m honored.

I’m also annoyed. And it can be both all at the same time. This isn’t about like, oh, I’m only one thing and I’m spiritual and good. I’m a fucking rot. I am a compost heap of so many mistakes and so much unseen artwork and just all the feelings. Every single one of them. Compost heap. And like,

I sit before you as just this garden, but also I saw, I first, before I saw garden with flowers, I saw like vomit, like projectile vomit. And is one better than the other? No. If you are in love with alchemy and recovery, there’s nothing that’s better than anything else. There’s nothing that’s holier than anything else.

And that Is what’s going to get you through the moments where you are tempted to turn on yourself. You know, as I say that, I’m like knocking on my brain, literally creating, you know, a punch like motion that’s physically penetrating my own physical experience. We are always speaking to ourselves in so many different ways.

My hand is doing this because it’s flagging a bunch of experiences along my timeline where I have hit my head. Because I am here to remember that nonverbal and feeling and sensing is The leadership quality, and it is the quality that we need for recovery, but I don’t know. Show me, I have not really researched this,

but I have a sense and I have a compulsion to say which I trust because of the evidence of the accuracy of my lifetime of talking. But show me the recovery centers and systems that are founded upon Supporting people to remember that they are primarily non-verbal. Energy. Speaking energy. This is important. It’s pivotal. So back to Einstein.

His work suggests, implies, Nails, that the brain is not the, our, okay, the brain of the cell, the nucleus, is not the brain of the cell in terms of number one leadership aspect, part. The leader is actually the membrane. The membrane is what speaks the feeling and sensing the energy most purely.

The nucleus is the place that handles the fractalization. The fractalization is not the leader of the experience. It’s the experience the leader is having. So your relationship with the membrane of your field informs the experience that you’re having. So in terms of being the creator of your own reality, you need to be inhabiting your entire energy field.

And like, go ahead, make a suggestion to yourself, put it in the comments. What level... What percentage would you say that you are at in this moment of inhabiting your soul, letting your soul inhabit your whole energy field? I want to hear it.

And then I want you to take it up by following your instincts and your feelings to the places that will support you to unravel, undo into that fullness. Or come play with me. The Zap Challenge. Brilliant, brilliant opportunity. Low investment in many ways. Talking investment, currency, but also attention. It’s all bite-sized pieces.

Lots and lots of bite-sized pieces, but I’m playing in the mystery. So yes, there’s a linear trajectory through it. Like I’m sharing every day, bite-sized pieces that you can ride in a rhythm with me. Or, none of the pieces are poison. Like, everything is the remedy for the poison that already exists,

and so you can’t go wrong by ingesting some of it. Which means, come, play your way, have your own adventure. Zap challenge. 90 days, but then I’ve also been warming up. So it’s actually an additional three weeks with some extra live calls. You’ve got 10 live calls in the 90 days. Ding, ding. You know, jackpot.

This is live time with me. Come riff together. Receive live time Reiki sessions and attunements with me. I had a lady respond to the first warm-up call and say she’s already a Reiki master, but suddenly it’s like just one warm-up Reiki session to the group, or the whole group, not specifically her,

and she says she’s feeling like the abundance flowing, and that that feels miraculous because her practice was feeling rigid. I fucking love that. You know, wherever you are in terms of experiencing your own mastery, because you can invest and invest and you can be excellent, which does not require perfection,

but your excellence is going to expand and ascend, elevate, be able to sustain a high frequency, which doesn’t just mean, oh, love and light. It means you could go through the trenches and change them. With ease. Because you’re experiencing an ease of maintaining elevated frequency. So that’s what we’re up to. The Zap Challenge.

It’s made to remember your effortlessness. So it’s made to feel effortless. Like don’t fucking worry. Jump in. Participate. Receive. Enjoy the opportunity. Enjoy yourself. Mission, likewise, but different. Lifetime Kundalini Reiki Crew. This is where we have monthly study groups. So once you’re in, you’re in forever. I’m going to keep doing this as long as I live.

That’s a wild promise, but it feels like, of course I am. No matter where I am, what I’m up to, am I going to want to be having these conversations? My almost 40 years suggests that, fuck yes, I’m going to love this forever. So this is like, yeah, buy into contact with me forever.

I mean, that’s a nice deal. Very accessible. Huge library of content of trippy art mystery handbooks that are like, Some of the handbooks I’ve received along the way are like my prized possessions in my recovery journey because it was like a little doodle just fucking clicked something and I got closer to that center spot

of being able to be fuck yes contented knowing at the center of my psyche when all this pressure and memories and timelines and people Are pulling me in every direction and I feel split and I feel like I can’t handle it and I’m a fucking monster and I’m insane and I’m gonna, I don’t know, I don’t know,

I don’t know, and then getting lost in the I don’t know until you finally fucking surrender to the mystery that you are into contented knowing. On the center line, on the razor’s edge of your consciousness, your compassion, that. Is recovery, where you are no longer in battle with yourself. I have worked with edge riders,

like people in active psychosis, everyday schizophrenia, intense, autistic, neurodivergent, neuro-spicy, neuro-deep-deep, whatever we want to call it. These are the people that are undeniably Connected, sensationally, psychically connected to the split at the center of the psyche that’s like good, bad, right, wrong. Other people fall into the spectrum of psychology and everyone has a natural relationship with this.

Just like it’s not far-fetched to say have a relationship with the outskirts of your auric field. But like so many on Earth would be like, oh, like who is this freak? And it’s like, You are going to come for the ride because the people paying attention are going

to access so much power that you won’t be able to resist the momentum. I’m not worried about convincing you. You want to be in that kind of contented knowing where you are actually on earth right now, not fucking worried because you feel like how powerful and impactful you are and you are coming together in a crew.

It’s like The most gangster crew on earth. I mean, and there’s a lot of gangsters in every direction of every variety on every level. But when you’re on the win-win in the win-win frequency, you know that like all the gangster power is feeding through you because you’re aware of it all and you’re okay with it all.

So, you know, there’s a lot of like empath versus narcissist, you know, vampiric energy on the precious sensitive ones. It’s like, fuck, we are all vampires. It’s just a question of how good are you at siphoning energy in a benevolent way that serves the people?

Or are you lying to yourself because you’ve been lied to for so long, societally, historically, culturally, et cetera, familially, that word really wanted to come out. That you think you’re not a vampire. Or that you can project that word at someone else like they’re so bad and wrong. That’s self victimization. Not serving you.

Come play in my containers and like just be called out constantly alongside me. I’m being called out constantly. Continuously refined and it’s like hallelujah. So arousing. Because it’s like just being honest that we are energy speaking, energy ever in motion, change is the only constant, and we’re made of it. And letting that circulation happen through us. Recovery.

Recovery, recovery, recovery, recovery. Get into it. I love that my chair is squeaking and really ruining my vibe, but that’s it. It’s like, no, I hate it. It’s a scratching thing. In the background, calling your attention. The bliss is not the byproduct of there no longer being work to do. But that work becomes effortless.

Because the flow is so strong. The density is no longer blocking the pathways that create the dissonance, the distortion, the disease, the disorder. Of complexity completely overruling the simplicity at the center. Recovery is anchoring into the simplicity at the center and understanding, if not intellectually, sensationally,

the necessity of having a relationship with the electric currency of your field and your body. Recovery. I look forward. To speaking, playing, being, living this conversation for the rest of my life and I’m asking you join me, to be with me, to add your flavor, appreciate your own style.

Be energy speaking energy and it’s easy to be you. Cause you’re not planning and organizing, trying to be anything else. And you slip through loopholes because you got a pure energy going on. And so you’re a match for the devotional high frequency of still being a messy human because humans are like messy. Like, we are gross.

But it’s so cute. It’s so... just... one side of beauty. Grimy, grungy, real, everyday life. That’s where Reiki belongs. That’s where the Kundalini is asking, just clear the path. The Kundalini isn’t like, activate me, stress over me, research me. It’s like, just open the pathways. I am brilliant and I am here to inhabit the field. No problem.

I have a feeling that I didn’t finish a sentence a few minutes ago, but we’re going to leave it up in the air. Embrace the mystery. Hallelujah anyways. Fuck yes, recovery. Join the Zap Challenge. Join mission. They go together. You can do either one. Protection portal available for free. Follow me. Love me. Be with me.

I am loving you whether you are called to any of those things. Because I am existing as more steady, steadfast. Steadfast. Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Allowing the alchemy of remembering yourself as true love, as pure love. So relieving. Recovery.

Reiki, as in a horse with no name
Reiki, as in Ziggy Stardust
Reiki, as in best friends with your children, speaking true innocence
Reiki as in rainbows and angel numbers everywhere

Reiki, as in your hand on my back
Reiki as in head on your shoulders
Reiki, as in steadiness
Reiki as in inner child on board feeling safe with your adult self
Reiki, as in beeswax candle on a well worn kitchen table,
Reiki, as in crafting with things of the Earth

Reiki, as an ancient cosmic indigenous earth
Reiki, as in feeling groovy
Reiki as in eternal unity, quantum mechanics
Reiki as in chemical marriage
Reiki, as in Tantric aliveness living
Reiki as in good food
Reiki, as in clean water
Reiki, as in rummage sale
Reiki, as in trauma release
Reiki, as in deep, remembering of easy authentic energy mastery,
Reiki as in cuddling with my dogs, as in a child, sincere laughter
Reiki, as in holding each other,
Reiki, as in witnessing
Reiki, as in composing reality,
Reiki as in conducting symphonies
Reiki, as in the relief of a rock concert

Reiki, as in dancing with God
Reiki, as in what would Jesus do
Reiki as in speaking mystery
Reiki as in not afraid of the void unknown comfort Zone
Reiki, as in liking yourself as an 80 year-old
Reiki as in simple enough for an eight year-old
Reiki as in emergency first aid and long-term medicine
Reiki, as in breathing together,

Reiki as in eye gazing

Reiki, as in lovers

Reiki as in mothers

Reiki, as in real fibre garments
Reiki, as in sensitive skin
Reiki, as in laying on the earth
Reiki as an ongoing rebirth
Reiki as in body technology

Reiki, as in spaciousness

Reiki, as in discharge plus circulation equals flexibility and openness

Reiki as in electric circuitry running well
Reiki as in eternal chest
Reiki, as in efficient effective
Reiki as in joy

Reiki, as in pure aura
Reiki, as in rapid shadow Work
Reiki, as in light in the dark
Reiki, as in no bypassing
Reiki, as in total acceptance,
Reiki as in unconditional love.
Reiki, as in kind witness narration of real life

Reiki, as in wacko gratitude
Reiki, as in something psychedelic
Reiki, as in naturally psychedelic moment by moment,
Reiki, as in swimming pool of consciousness,
Reiki, as in reparenting
Reiki as in recalibrating to best case scenarios
Reiki as in healthy Neighbours
Reiki as in infinite community belonging

Reiki, as in total weirdo
Reiki, as in the strange
Reiki, as in presence
Reiki, as in work
Reiki, as in endless compassion
Reiki, as in fountain of youth
Reiki, as in fountain of overflow
Reiki as in white glitter angel aura

Reiki, as in pink tenderness
Reiki, as in holy fire
Reiki, as in kundalini rising
Reiki, as in Mary Mary.
Reiki as in Quan Yin
Reiki, as in Isis
Reiki, as in Merlin
Reiki, as in master Kuthumi
Reiki as In flowers from the garden.

Reiki as in farm to table until we no longer need food having fully returned to our light bodies

Reiki as an Unschooling

Reiki as in I love you. I love you. I love you,

Reiki as in sweet and delicious
Reiki as in energy recycling
Reiki, as in breathing up and down

Reiki is being here now
Reiki is untethered soul
Reiki is hugging trees,
Reiki is burning cedar saying prayers.
Reiki is brave
Reiki is the opposite of narcissism.
Reiki is deconditioning.
Reiki is against the grain.
Reiki is the future
Reiki can rewrite the past

Reiki as in full moon, new moon, blood moon blue moon
Reiki, as in Violet flame
Reiki as in surrounded by angels
Reiki, as in systematically organized
Reiki as in 111 2222 33 444 555 666 777 888 999 1010 1212 1111, 2020

Reiki as in percussion …. Reiki as in rhythm … Reiki, as in deep silence, stillness…. Reiki, as in golden inner voice, biggest fan … Reiki, as in dreamy desires … Reiki, as in luxurious living… Reiki, as in not broken… Reiki, as in infinitely resourced… Reiki, as in charming… Reiki, as in provocative… Reiki, as in titty twister… Reiki as in recovery…

Ricky as in precious path… Reiki, as in altars everywhere… Reiki, as in healthy

Reiki, as in devotion
Reiki, as in fulfilled
Reiki can win

Reiki like your favourite meal on the worst day
Reiki like the best day ever
Reiki like Family that doesn’t suck
reiki like not hurting yourself
Reiki like being your own best friend

Reiki like smooching souls
Reiki, like letting go
Reiki like allowing grief
Reiki, like riding stress
Reiki like the opposite of whiplash
Reiki like never getting gaslit again
Reiki like galloping a horse on a shoreline
Reiki like the most beautiful sunset
Reiki like the fresh kiss of sunrise
Reiki like the turning of the tide
Reiki like the seasons
Reiki like planting seeds
Reiki like reaping harvest
Reiki like precision, manifesting
Reiki like removing masks
Reiki like healing the world

Reiki like new earth celebrity
reiki like stimming saves us
REIKI like neurodivergent talent
reiki like hyper extensive awareness,

Reiki like sensationally attuned
Reiki like intergalactic antenna,
Reiki like holy cow
Reiki like safe roller coaster
Reiki like wholeness

Reiki like John and Yoko
Reiki like Janis and Jimmy
Reiki like Moss
reiki like Lake River Creek

Reiki like stroking your insides
Reiki like clean sweep
Reiki like magic
Reiki, like conscious participation in synchronicity
Reiki like existential kink
Reiki, as in undeniably accurate

Reiki as in: sane.
Reiki, as in free will
Reiki as in political activism
Reiki as in mouth-to-mouth
Reiki, as in CPR life-saving act
Reiki as an authentic inheritance
Reiki as in awkward adjustment after so long forgetting, who the fuck you are

Reiki as in deer antler … Reiki as in eagle feather … Ricky as in rabbit foot,

Reiki as in nutritious stew
Reiki, as in potluck
Reiki, as in secret stash
Reiki as in dessert,
Reiki as in life-force sustenance
Reiki as in education
Reiki, as in entertainment
Reiki, as in effortless
Reiki as in offering

Reiki as in focus
Reiki, as in feeling
Reiki as an emotional intelligence
Reiki, as in very smart
Reiki, as in benevolent choices,
Reiki, as in All-Star GOLD STAR champion.

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get the fuck in the ZAP challenge today
kundlaini reiki lifestyle. fukyes.

https://superjanis.wordpress.com/zap-challenge/

I’m grateful for the maze of survival stress that is more haunting than anything else I’ve ever experienced. Grateful for the net full of fish all of us flapping around slapping each other hoping to wiggle free but we’re in a net. I’m grateful there are plenty of approaches for rewiring the way we see. I’m grateful the way we see dictates reality.

I’m grateful for the kid sitting in front of me. Grateful for all of his patience as I emote my way through life. Grateful for all of the people who have called me overly emotional and mainly that he is not one of them. I’m grateful for all the humans scared of feeling and so the fact that I do it is absolutely outrageous and provocative and irritating. I’m grateful to make people itchy scratchy uncomfortable in their own skin in my automatic undercover suggestion that we should flow. I’m grateful it takes zero effort to piss people off. I’m grateful I never really had to try but I did try at hiding it and that didn’t really work. I’m grateful I got blackout so much and hit my head real hard a bunch of times dumbing me down to the point I just can’t function like I used to … which was denying myself as energy speaking energy. I’m grateful once you admit it you really can’t go back.

I’m grateful id never want to go back … but i do want to go home. I’m grateful thats a really loaded statement. I’m grateful the most prominent meaning right now in this very moment is that im up a mountain and ready for dinner, maybe a naked jump in the ocean.

I’m grateful for this one dog we have who is often a total scamp that runs off as soon as we get close to the car. I’m grateful I’m often so happy and relaxed and ready to head home that I forget to snatch him up. I’m grateful he never comes back when I panic or rush. I’m grateful he returns when I’m totally relaxed and often this is the moment I notice I haven’t yet laid on the earth today. I’m grateful for the stones pressing into the fat of my butt. Grateful for the muscle and bone that carries me around.

Grateful for my spirit which seemingly can no longer be broken based on recent events which absolutely would have shattered me some years ago.

Grateful to see how sometimes when you land on exactly what your boundary needs to be … you immediately cross it … like a kid just too too curious to listen.

I’m grateful I’ve been doing a lot of that all these years which really seems to slow things down and yet also delights me in the opportunity to see so many moving parts all at once that are so far from perfectly functional but are truly perfectly sweet.

I’m grateful by sweet I mean sincere and by sincere I do mean completely honest and genuine … just absolutely in it … each part with itself … so real.

I’m grateful for the challenge of being honest with and about and through and for … all the parts all at once.

I’m grateful last night someone could feel an unstable attachment and anxiety bursting in me and wanted to rush me out the door but I just stood still and said give me some time. I’m grateful they didn’t really want to but wanted to because two truths can be true all at once. I’m grateful they asked me what’s going on and I used my hands to explain … everything feels fluttery and off centre out of balance … I am so stretched right now it doesn’t feel safe …. I’m breathing giving everything a chance to land back at centre … then I’ll be able to leave feeling clear and content. I’m grateful they could and couldn’t hear me. I’m grateful I chose me self conscious but unselfconsciously. I’m grateful I let the inner knowing win that things would feel simple again soon if I just let the complexity swirl and have at me … and if I watched witnessed listened … instead of jumped into action.

I’m grateful some shadows seem extra shadowy … like someone being addicted to cartel drugs. I’m grateful that’s easy to point at as the problem in a room if you’re in a room with that… but shadows are just shadows … they all weigh the same.

I’m grateful to be in this place of not overcompensating for shame by ignoring my own pain.

I’m grateful admitting the suffering inside is like a get outta jail free card for me … and theres an unlimited stash up my sleeve. I’m grateful I was gonna say up my butt but that felt so messy and I adjusted. I’m grateful life is like that … we have this capacity to be the kind witness one step ahead sweeping the path clear to express confidently in respect to capacity. I’m grateful I am the jester and the magnanimity of my own court.

I’m grateful I’d really love to control everything. I’m grateful it feels easy on my insides when I imagine everything going my way … and this is one place I’ve been stuck. I’m grateful to notice a shadow in myself where I jet off into fantasy … that isn’t crazy far off from accesisble possibility … but the manifestation gets further away the more I disappear into my head. I’m grateful escaping into the mind can be such a good time … but is also the gateway drug for every other addiction.

I’m grateful I teach energy mastery which means I am challenged to my core to live it every day and boy oh boy does life offer me double Dutch at high speed with a crowd of kids whispering about how I can and cannot do it.

HALLELUJAH ANYWAYS

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would love to have you join the ZAP challenge … looking to support 5000 folks this year to groom their personal system for true true deep deep sustainable sincere RECOVERY. whatever it is you’re recovering from… come come. i love you.

I know you just pictured a fridge that’s been untended. What was once vital and yummy has become mouldy disgusting don’t wanna touch that.

You must use whatever spoons you have to excavate this exact issue.

Let’s dumb it down … negativity is made of No No No dialogue inside yourself. There is something that goes against an aspect of your groomed definition of self that feels threatening to your safety.

But what kind of safety do you consciously care about?

Unconsciously you have cared about blending in and belonging because … biology has you reflecting intensely with your primary caregivers who were imprinted by their parents and it goes along the line of lineage just like that. We are programmed by a FLINCH.

We FLINCH off centre and get stuck there. We root away from the innate base camp of authentic soul self … in order to match the off-centre nervous system activity of our people. We are designed to seek sameness.

Some of us realize the SHaM in the sameness of following the flock. Some of us have no conscious desire to be lamb to the slaughter. Some of us are present with our power to choose … and yet most are still using negativity to define our boundaries.

This does not bode well for liberation.

Let’s dumb down liberation … it is made of Yes Yes Yes.

Which isn’t to say you can never feel no. Your body is designed to say no … when something is TOXIC. And your body absolutely knows … in its authentic state inhabited by soul.

But what happens when the body is inhabited by density because your care givers were inhabited by density? The body in its fullness of simple clear toxicity-identifying intelligence … gets interrupted. The body becomes this “oh fine” … yah just pile it up here, block the pathways, no problem.

The body isn’t actually saying that but its natural voice - energy speaking energy - grows so faint so quiet because the circulation is interrupted.

… that is … until it’s screaming :

disease disorder.

I’d like to trace it all back to defining ourselves via negativity.

A very common human practice. I like this I don’t like that. Yes to the things I like and no to the things I don’t like. There we go I’m great at boundaries. RESPECT my boundaries or you’re getting bumped to the no pile!

There it is. Narcissism.

I cannot handle having “my boundaries” poked or prodded … because they are fragile … because they are not boundaries made of soulful integrity but boundaries made of a fear of being found out.

Anti-fragile boundaries require full FukYes to your deepest truest self. And maybe we don’t get there in one single leap but it is something accessible to work on to play with to improve to manually shift so that liberated is your daily state of being.

Otherwise … who is your master?

I deeply dearly desire my own soul as my own master. And that condition is made of pure yes. Non resistance. Acceptance and approval.

I had to realize most of what I knew of myself was being defined by don’t like this don’t like that hate that can’t stand that … etc. My personality was specially about staying away from certain things … and duh it’s the inheritance of a colonialist world.

Shut out what scares us, they proclaimed. Whoever they are I’m not so interested in acknowledging. I don’t desire to feed the narrative of focusing on what’s harmed us and shaming it. That procreates the problem.

I’m interested in noticing the subtleties of my bodies intelligence to identifying toxicity and letting that lead my life to allow an integral operating system that no longer needs to use negativity as “protection”.

I do not desire to protect myself from any experience other than being inhabited by something other than my soul.

My bodies gag reflex is my best fucking friend.

Join the ZAP challenge to play with this with me. You’ll see.

We can use words all day but liberation into a life of riding the yes yes yes current being your own soul inhabiting your own body as a multidimensional vastly intelligent being no longer afraid of your self or life … requires us to remember that nonverbal is our primary language.

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Jump in the ZAP challenge … a really extremely accessible experiential opportunity to clear a lot of toxic build up and reclaim yourself as a brilliant energy speaking energy being.

https://superjanis.wordpress.com/zap-challenge/

xoxo APOCALYPTA

What I’m seeing and hearing in every state they reveal to me… is a devotion to curiosity… to investigation … to uncovering truth.

It’s interesting to me how this curiosity is what’s carried me too … and it can take us in either direction on a spectrum of mental wellness … or seeming absence of such.

The centre denoted by a split.

I think most of the professionals in the department of official mental health believe and do their best to direct people to try to get from one end of the spectrum to the other… to leap over the split from paranoia into pleasantries … to go from illness to wellness…

but the split is pretty daunting. It’s a hell to fall into and be swallowed by… whole … so the familiar often wins out whichever side you’re on.

What good are pleasantries anyway… when you are aware what’s underneath…. And am I really the problem - - the danger - - thee scary thing to point at and improve… on this psychotic landscape of ignoring how multidimensional we all really are?!?

These are questions I hear echoing along the line denoting the spectrum.

To mask or to hide becomes us.

Families, lovers, friends… end up living apart, seeming losing love or losing touch because the split the chasm comes between them. They wave to each other, perhaps, from opposite ends, maybe thinking the other one pretty odd… and possibly very irritating.

Curiosity carries us in whatever direction we go. Even if it is a stagnant point... an obsession.

A fixated curiosity denotes an obsession, yes? And obsession arises from an embedded sense of scarcity.

Ta-da : simple definition of addiction. Regardless of your poison or your remedy.

I feel lucky my family ignored me when I asked for help, treated me like a selfish party girl who could just choose something different with a snap of the fingers and be the continuously happy optimistic vibrant person they loved to feed on.

I feel lucky because I didn’t get lumped in with them at the end of the spectrum where the “healthy” people live … the ones society isn’t worried about but based upon.

I feel lucky to be rejected because I was relatively forced on my own quest… of being carried by curiosity fueled by an optimism that was not intrinsically designed to end up in a stinky stagnancy. Curiosity gets limited when a person is convinced they are afraid of coming undone.

As I’m typing, I’m remembering a reel I saw yesterday of a guy I follow who was addicted to heroin then went to rehab then lived in a halfway house for eighteen months … and now he’s operating as a van dwelling international photographer living his life experiencing the deep glowing flowing beauty of earth.

It’s the word halfway house that just suddenly PoPped to mind … because it rather perfectly matches what I was getting at anyway.

Homebase isn’t one end of the spectrum or the other … though that’s how the vast majority of us humans are living.

Homebase is one foot on either side of the chasm … sealing up the split with y(our) steadiness.

All the tension in life … is pressuring us to that place.

Period. Mic drop. End of email … except that I’m going to continue …

In the face of witnessing a beloved riding the edges of sanity quite actively … and at the same time lucid enough to know this is happening within them… the task for me feels to be:

choose love acceptance approval each and every moment.

I’ve been hardcore training for this.

Truly. I’ve been trained by world-renowned shadow work and radical compassion experts to hold space with unflinching nonjudgment and heartfelt presence.

I have known I am excellent at this … but I honestly never knew how excellent until now. And I allow myself to say this because it is necessary to not be afraid of feeling your own excellence.

In my experience, you can only truly applaud yourself from deep humility.

That is what it takes to stand straddling the split and allow your contented knowing of your full capacity to render fear of the mystery null and void… no longer scared of yourself of your capacity or any voice that might enter or cross through or hover in your mind.

Fake humble gets me feeling furious every time i see it in myself or anyone… people call it modest … i call it BARF. toxic… it’s a CLASSIC covert narcissistic play … be it conscious or unconscious in any of us … it’s a gaslighting move … and I feel that fire really intimately.

… because energy never lies and our bodies register the un-safety of someone in their intense insecurity performing “modesty” when their entire personality is built on a bravado intrinsic to avoiding their own centre their own honesty their own humble core.

Humans mask… a lot.

To be truly humble, you have to really fuckin love yourself.

You have to be honest.

Honesty is incinerating.

It burns up the mask, it burns up the hiding spots, it burns up the density.

And it’s hard work!!!

It brings precision ease … but it’s the most intense labour I’ve ever applied myself to.

It’s work … it’s labour … because you’re swimming against the common current.

DELIVERANCE.

I am humbled by love.

Often when my family said “I love you” the energy I felt was nails in my skin, fear of death… not softness, warmth or safety.

Love is everything so love is also that. But that is fear wearing the word love like a mask … it’s not a lie, but it is verging in on that territory.

Love is accepting and approving of exactly the moment you’re in, love is fearless. Love may feel fear pass through as a momentary experience… but love is not defined by fear because it does not hold onto it.

and I don’t know anything more glorious or relieving to lean into.

Curiosity begets currency.

That sentence just arrived to me now and I’m tossing it around in my mouth … feeling it out … slurping on the flavour … witnessing what it’s really about.

I guess that’s the closing of the loop this writing sprang from :

How far can curiosity take us? All the way in either direction.

AND everything ends up back in the middle.

The currency will always carry us there - — to the middle - - - no matter how brave we were with our curiosity.

But we can be brave and inhabit an immaculately alternative expression on earth ahead of the curve.

At either end of the spectrum of “mental health” there is an edge…

That edge resolves in a void … the infinite mystery. And guess what …

It’s the exact same mystery that inhabits the chasm.

The chasm at the midpoint of the spectrum.

When we stand in contented knowing at the centre of the spectrum … we unify the parts … bridge the gaps … and get to live in SATIATION.

But it’s a razor’s edge kind of lifestyle, and we’ve been trained to be so scared of ourselves.

So the ANSWER I’m suggesting is perhaps easier said than done … but I know myself as a living testament to the muscle memory that can develop when we apply ourselves.

And if you know me… you know when I say apply ourselves… i absolutely mean continuously self-stimming through a personally curated assortment of BITE SiZE practices.

And I don’t know anything more worthwhile … nothing I’m more honoured to exhibit to my son … nothing I’d rather be offering to everyone.

Please join me in the ZAP challenge. It’s a really accessible integration opportunity … designed to evoke the muscle memory we’ve acknowledged here and stroke to the true deep sustainable ease we are all truly worthy of.

https://superjanis.wordpress.com/zap-challenge/

Plus your participation will support me to be resourced to support my friend. And that means more to my heart than I will ever be able to express.

Xoxo 888 xoxoX

https://antidote-aesthetic-catalogue.myflodesk.com/zap/checkout

but I have never been more in love with myself & I love the words & videos flowing

I’ve had to admit I am motivated by food & s. ex … everything else flows with ease when I just let this be true about me without remorse ….

Ooo that’s a good topic for an email ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 I said to compete the text above sent to a dear friend this morning , a fellow devoted energy master.

I am absolutely inspired everyday by world peace and collective liberation … but I am also extremely motivated by the foods that delight me and hot sordid timeless intimacy with beloved.

Today is a rhythmic sun day on the Mayan calendar and I’d like to thank my son, born on a Mayan sun day… who has illuminated the message of innocence for me so loud and clear.

I often speak of how incinerated I have been by his presence. The sun is Christ consciousness … it’s the burning up of density … the return to remembering what we’re really capable of …

Energy mastery.

We are made of it. Designed for it. Deeply deeply irrevocably capable.

But we were groomed to feel bad about ourselves. Greedy and gluttonous in our desires. Distracted by hunger. Our attention directed at a potential scarcity a perceived scarcity or a manifest experience of scarcity …. That we overlook the proximity of prosperity.

I’d like to also thank my darling neighbour… a man boy creature thing who reminds me so resoundingly that NoTHiNg is HoLiER than anything else.

My mars sits in my fifth house in Taurus. OF COURSE I am intrinsically motivated by food and sex !!! and both feel very very innocent and playful to me … even though history and culture have perverted both sooooo much.

my psyche and heart being torn open sounds probably scary and undesirable to most people … but my approach is HaVe AT Me BABY.

I can trace exact moments where I had the freewill to back out of what’s been happening …

so grateful for my own bravery. A bravery bolstered by A LOT of backhands across the face.

When you don’t listen … when you’re a derelict vessel deprived of following intuition … when you deny yourself of truly loving what you LOVE … life will fuckin SLaP you.

Learn to say ThanKYOU life.

Happythankyoumoreplease.

Wake me all the way up to my own SOUL. And may my human be so satisfied along the way. May I exist as this permission slip on earth.

Check out the ZAP challenge. Our pregame starts tomorrow!!!

https://superjanis.wordpress.com/zap-challenge/

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I cannot tell you the number of times I blacked out in my teen and twenties …

For many years it was a many nights a week kind of thing for me … with that little window in between as a kind of recovery …

but recovery for me at that time meant getting a bit of sleep and waiting for the opportunity to drink heavily again searching but not finding a line between fun and forgetting.

The guy on TikTok said you forget because it’s not even you in your body anymore. You’ve left your body and dark entities take over. This makes sense to me.

The idea of inhabitation has been stalking my life the past year, especially.

Because I am a slayer.

I was always a slayer. When I finally got a bunch of… let’s call them exorcisms… the guy was like… you can do what I do. I said, I know.

He said it’s impressive how long you held them off for considering how much anger was in your childhood environment and that you took it on as your own around age four. You held the ghoul squad off until about eight and that’s pretty incredible. They got you even more though when you were about 12 and there were a lot of really dark years there. YES INDEED, I agreed.

I had to realize I don’t really remember very much from my youth at all. I was BLACKOUT even before I started drinking. Blocking it out… yes… but also truly inhabited. Same same but different. Two aspects of the same experience.

Blocking it out is like soul leaving body to not inhabit the sensations or the memory of certain experiences we didn’t feel safe or supported to be with. We generally call this trauma. And i find it useful in my work with humans to think of trauma as stuck stuff in a pathway designed to be open… blocking flow.

Inhabitation is a secondary aspect. Inhabitation from let’s call them dark entities. They hook into those trauma spots feeding on the build up of density. Density accumulates in the stagnancy caused by lack of flow. Can you feel the heaviness?

It has been time for me to face that I had these experiences so I would understand them really truly intimately. From the inside out. And reclaim my slayer status.

It’s not hypothetical that we get inhabited but it is a question of WHAT WHO WHEN HOW WHY & WHeRE.

The answers to these questions are different for each of us … at least those of us who feel our personal radio waves have been intercepted … haunted by something that is not our own deep deep true true simple simple SOUL self.

At the same time, what the past years of working with people intimately in this area has shown me… is that there are basic answers to these questions of “entity inhabitation” that are the same for all of us.

I personally find a lot of benefit in looking to the sameness.

Sameness does not eliminate our differences or make us less unique or special …

Sameness is a loophole.

The loophole actually allows us to eliminate inhabitation so we are personally free to live in our own uniqueness … to express authentically.

The loophole of sameness suggests we each encounter situations in our early years that exhibit the EXACT opposite of our personal soul promise … which is akin to our personal deepest desire .. or our personal purpose here on earth this lifetime.

We don’t need to know the details to do the work of disentangling the entity inhabitation.

Which isn’t to say your personal story isn’t important or interesting … but that it’s irrelevant in terms of truly healing.

When I say healing, I mean undoing harm. I mean unplugging the pathways so you can have your authentic excellent circulation back. SO YOU ARE THE ONE INHABITING yOU. That leaves no opportunity for the “entities”.

I like to think about it this way… healthy active untraumatized flow carries a YES YES YES charge or frequency. The trauma or the blockage (the opening the food for the entities) carries a NO NO NO charge or frequency.

Clearing the no is actually really EASY. in my opinion. Two negatives make a positive… correct? Correct. So that’s what happens when you send it back to Source.

Harm has many forms.. as all of our stories can attest to …

but there’s an explicit energetic pattern beyond the details. The sameness.

The sameness is the loophole .. the loophole again is that at some point pretty early on we witnessed evidence of the EXACT opposite of our deepest soul desire .

Aka the arrival of evidentially apparent possibility that we could FAIL.

and heavier still : the idea belief felt-sense experience that we already have.

FAILURE becomes this imprinted aspect of identity. The FEAR that ensues can be such a shock to the innocent system that the soul retracts from inhabiting the body … which leaves… room.

Room for inhabitation.

We can call the inhabitation trauma … stuck emotion accumulated from experiencing a lack of safe-enough or supported-enough to let it go. I know I’m repeating myself here but that is to emphasize this is a really really repeat pattern on earth… that is the cause of a lot of nasty stuff.

We can call the inhabitation an entity… an accumulation of density hungry for more heaviness to keep feeding itself and maintain its existence.

I’m dumbing it down because complexity is the anchor of fear.

I’m reducing it down to simplicities because simplicity does truly exist.

Accepting the SIMPLICITY is how I chose my way out of darkness… the blackout years became a conscious experiment where me myself and I was the conductor … not some external authority.

And this is my definition of recovery. Recovering your self, your sovereignty, your seat of total power in your own domain. Your power to surrender to divine grace and nothing else… which is power in the face of fear… power in the face of the entity’s trying to take over… and trickstery slippery trying to stay once they’ve hooked into you.

They are great at hiding. Great at masking. SO if you are someone working on UNMASKING… as many of us are… this is perhaps a really important conversation you haven’t exactly had yet.

The entity inhabitation relies on shame. The shame accumulates because we felt that sense of FAILURE once upon a time observing the opposite of our deepest desire… and it is then that our deepest fear is sponatneoously created…

a fear of the thing we most deeply desire. HOW TWISTED IS THAT.

We end up holding onto the perceived sense of failure so tightly to try to protect ourselves from ever having to feel the shock and shame of it again … we thereby actually continuously manifest repeat evidence of the failure.

Another way to say it is that we became so afraid of encountering our deepest desire afraid it would present us with that SPLITTING sensation again .. a pain so intense it felt unendurable and we left our own body… we subconsciously use the fear as a weapon to keep the desire away so we can keep repeating the familiar disappointment instead of the fulfillment which would be an equal SHOCK to the system.

Another way to say it is that the original pain of perceiving FAILURE of our soul quest at quite a young age caused an immense intensity of sensation … a SPLITTING … a splitting that we then suffer in but that suffering becomes a comfort zone. To encounter the fulfillment of the soul quest would be equivalent to the intensity of that original perceiving of failure… and so we avoid it pretty much at all costs.

Womp womp womp womp. YET it’s the exact set up we came to earth to experience.

Basically, entity inhabitation helps us to avoid fulfillment so we never have to experience that intensity. So most people i know have no fucking desire to let go of the entities… because they do not trust themselves to handle the high sensation of the happiness… because of what happened when they experienced the high sensation of the original disappointment.

For many years I’ve been alive in awareness that my family of origin’s main currency is disappointment. I had to thread it out of me.. like a magician pulling endless scarves tied together from his sleeve.

I liked hearing the TikTok guy say that it wasn’t even me behaving through my body when I was blackout. It kinda sorta lets me off the hook from being such a relative horror… the opposite of who I was during the day. It was a true surprise to me to hear how sad and mad I behaved when I was blackout.

The truth is.. it wasn’t me. Because we are not the density. We are SOUL.

The shock, the sense of failure… gives room for dense fear to wedge into a spot where SOUL belongs.

Your whole body, your whole energy field is for YOUR SOUL.

You are designed to be totally inhabited by your own SOUL your own light your own innocence your own god self your own unwounded inner child your own higher self your own holy guardian angel etc etc etc many words are accurate and all words fall short because we’re talking about mystery made manifest.

That’s exactly what we truly are: MYSTERY MADE MANIFEST.

But life on earth made us scared of that very fact.. because there’s so much accumulated fear at this point … perpetuated… reproduced… amplified…

We didn’t have the training or the trust to handle the perceived failure with spaciousness … which is what’s required when things get tricky. And what we’re emphasizing in the quazi-essay is that we live in a very very trickstery experience.

SO HOW DO WE RECOUP our FULL CONNECTION to that DEEPEST DESIRE aka soul promise aka true personal purpose?

I see a lot of complex astrology AI compositions and gorgeously complicated courses… but dare I say… poopoo to all of that even though I’ve loved it.

This era is calling for SIMPLICITY… a dumbing down of the DRAMA.

Which is exactly why I’m inviting you the ZAP challenge. We’re clearing the central column and running fresh fresh fresh energy electricity through your system …

To FLUSH the shame of having experienced that shock of witnessing the opposite of your dream come true … the heartbreak that sent you spinning and gave density opportunity to move into your system in this seemingly permanent way.

I PROMISE it does not need to be permanent and it is absolutely in your free-will choice to LET IT GO NOW.

To black out is to forget. And we’ve all experienced it one way or another. Layers of our own multidimensional experience that we are blind to because density is inhabiting areas of us that are foundational and meant to be inhabited by SOUL.

the ZAP challenge is not an entity clearing per say. But entities feed on density .. so it is a clearing that starves them and makes it easier to remove them from your body and your life.

I am very surprised to be saying this on the internet… but it is something many of us exquisitely sensitive people face … and it is time to eradicate the shame and face it full force for freedom xoxox

I am available to assist in removals one-on-one, but I ask you to participate in the ZAP challenge first to prepare and stabilize your system. I love you.

https://superjanis.wordpress.com/zap-challenge/

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That lives in the centre of everyone’s mind … the psyche the heart the soul .. .same same same … I am the banshee screeching commanding attention … even as I move around in silence … there’s no stopping me.

(enter awareness of a bunch of other women ive spied on the internet .. like eye spy with my little eye : something glorious … something I feel I could cringe at or shy away from or judge or even flat out put down … because the women of my lineage linger in my field haunting habits of that … and ive been really present with it for a long time. Letting the voices be heard be witnessed sometimes even be acted upon : as in I take any movement in any direction doing anything while the energy of that low vibrational opinion is moving through me … I betray my own innocence when I do.

And I am okay that all of that is true. And I guess I must confess that what ive gathered from witnessing myself alive for almost forty years (I can’t believe im saying that. I distinctly remember being 15 standing in the deli section of the grocery store I worked at… wishing a manager a happy 40th thinking wow that’s half way to dead. I hated it. I was in such a battle with time back then…

The neurodivergent conversation is something that set me free. Particularly from that battle with time into sinking slinking becoming spaciousness … which is exactly what welcomes us home to our authentic energy mastery …. I found it when my clients mother explained something to me about the difference between her and her daughter in terms of time.

She described quite precisely a split in perception and experiencing. She was describing her relationship to time versus her nonverbal autistic daughter’s … and I had a precise experience of being like oh im on the daughter’s side. Crazy.

I was being trained as a care worker for the daughter, a few years older than me, labelled non verbal autistic.

We went around in circles riding the rhythms that kept her tucked into safe expressions of compliance with expectations built from both love and fear. A pretty normal family.

It was not wildly surprising to me that I was identifying with someone easily categorized as handicap or disabled … but I also did not see what was coming. I went home ( a two story studio on salt spring island that was very heavy murky dreary down below and very fresh breath light bright up top. I sat up top where I slept and googled.)

I searched “women with autism” and found a video that was like the happiest 18 minutes of my life. wow finally this feeling of expansive natural belonging was taking over my field… not that I really had a sense of my own field back then … it was all a blur.

I fokin hate the blur … but at the same time sometimes I miss it. They’re not wrong when they say about ignorance is bliss. But everything and its equal opposite… ignorance is also a hell of separation from your own heart … a mangled relationship with authenticity .. disturbed and distorted by : let’s call them ghosts.

The blur is an ignorance built on ghosts and it gives you room to move around the prison like you aren’t passionate about breaking free. It’s a kind of seductive mist that inhabited me but somehow couldn’t reach all of me …

because like I said … I am the terror at the centre of the psyche. I am of the untouchable place… a realm of deathly aliveness authorities have spent centuries prodding people away from. Because it is the power spot.

Women have been waking up. Some never forgot. Some lineages were able to transcend the pressure to fold. And yet I don’t think you could show me any human who hasn’t endured the suffering of separation our species has been moving through.

I look on the internet and I see women who want to be ready, women who have invested a lot, women who hear the call, who let it be alive in their bodies, women who are the living signal … and I say FukYEs. It is time)

There’s no stopping me. I am not one person capable of being extinguished though shame and grief and guilt have tried. Orchestrated by hands inhabited by a hunger that keeps the mess moving like a merry go round.

Our fury is different. It is of the alchemy stitching things back together. And not just select things but everything. A return to centre.

It is the death spot where all illusion dissolves. It is the heaven and the hell of all of it. It is the incineration of anything other than pure innocence.

If we don’t gatekeep any negativity then all negative charge cancels itself out and there we go living light hearted best case scenario infinitely resourced the war is over.

To be able to see and sense this spot means your eyes have been on fire and you’ve likely been operating with a brain injury spewing seeming dysfunction with the rationally organized world. Over functioning and under functioning one and the same. Depletion born of distraction… from the banshee lament.

The scream that slices through the night that reaches through the riptides of forgetting to enchant you into the mouth of death to sleep forever in the living dream.

Not so morbid at all. And yet there will be blood and guts and gore in the unfurling of life as we’ve known it. Resistance arises addicted to the familiar refusing what is foreign in fear of the mystery.

The mystery becomes us one way or another so I say give myself unto her with all the willingness I can forage from the dark forest of my own consciousness. And I continue to arrive at a place we shall call contented knowing.

this is the only home that can hold me.

The only home I’m interested in now is the one that can handle the death unending ever giving ourselves over to the mystery honest when we’re full of the fury that arrives emerges erupts upon any amount of mistaking presence for control.

I can admit how much I have agonized to control but the ache to surrender is stronger. I think it’s important to know that God Universe Creator lives in your own skull set to rip you open irreversible rupture of the separation breeding a coming together of awareness bleeding sanity.

The treasure we cannot access when we are afraid of our own intensity.

talk soon. love always.

MiSSiON adopting kundalini reiki lifestyle running enough fresh energy through the system in ongoing playful Bitesize yummy repeatable ways so that the reiki takes over revealing our authentic incandescent depth … the light at the end of the tunnel … a tunnel that gets twisted distorted etc not feeling so smooth but we build muscle memory of smoothness. i love you.


www.apocalypta.me

How many friends & relationships I’ve lost or let go. Mostly pretty much all of them and I regularly question if I am a broken human because of it even though I know it was necessary I also wonder, was it? And this is where authenticity gets complicated.

Inquiry leads to inner knowing which is the evolution of doubt. Doubt as a shadow is essential and yet also dense and thereby low frequency.

Part of not having fully found my tribe yet is how much doubt is still snaking through my decision making. I generally hover and muse vs decide which significantly impacts manifestation. I’d like to stop the lingering in undecided but at the same time I respect the skill of it.

See how we keep coming back to both … and. It’s always both and in the advanced expression because evolution is transcendence … otherwise it’s just spinning in circles thinking you’re going somewhere.

I’m scared for you to find out what a monster I can be. My well of patience is incredibly deep but I also deprive myself of basic needs having been born into that and not having totally figured out the cure for the banshee scream enunciating torture in the psyche. Deprivation reaches a certain level and survival stress takes over and it is in that a ferocious wolverine emerges. Not the Xman but the badger of desolate snowy regions … a real primal animal.

The wolverine is a solitary creature (I’m also afraid for you to find out how much I like and need to be alone. Born the first day of the week of the loner it took me a long time to accept this about myself … and all of the masking and the true hermit nature both contribute to (for dramas sake let’s call them:) broken relationships.

“The wolverine has a reputation for ferocity and strength out of proportion to its size, with the documented ability to kill prey many times larger than itself.” I’m afraid for you to find out how lethal I am how cut throat no nonsense I get taking life so seriously in the survival stress. I’m afraid for you to cross me and feel the wrath of the whiplash slash that emerges upon an exhausted sense of betrayal.

Many moons I can ignore boundary crossing and perform friendship and a depth of intimacy worth millions… but ultimately I need space… to feel my own face… and I don’t yet know how to be fully at peace with my own lonesomeness. How to not be sad about it like I am a bad human.

I used my strength and will to force myself to pursue and endure friendships but eventually it arrives that the mask isn’t me and there’s something absurd lurking in my presence. I notice people notice it … she isn’t who I thought she was...

I absolutely ascribe to the myth of normal but at the same time (again always both) there is a majority vote, a vast consensus of average standards and I would say I see people hoping I’ll fit into that appropriate layer of reality for longer than I happen to manage.

Oh no it’s happening again. I’m alive and well in the underworld and they feel my presence. I cannot turn it off and I cannot look away. That famous saying you can’t unsee it… also goes both ways.

I’m hesitant and prematurely disappointed for you to feel me standing, aware, in your shadow field. I’m aware you might blame me, believe it is me, accuse me, punch me in the face, not give us a chance to explore it at all and seemingly throw to waste all the closeness that was so easily established in our original encountering of each other.

I’m choked by the narcissitically inclined quality of culture not to say ThanKYOU and surrender to shadow work immediately. I’m afraid to point out how much I participate.

I wanted to be normal and acceptable and appropriate so so much and I don’t really want you to know that about me because I feel scornful that I ever gave into it because looking back what I see are dead decades. Blind mute incompetent alcoholic jerk riding so much suppressed rage with myself for not being able to make a mark lb the family setting with all that I could see and sense. I’ve been so angry with me for being scary.

Wouldn’t they have listened if I could have made it more appealing more enticing more instantly rewarding less arduous less slimey less heavy less horrifying. I’m afraid for you to know about my twisted spine suffering under the weight of wishing I could take responsibility for everything.

I’m very beast like. Not only in my ability to fill a castle with a cruel anguished howl slicing everyone’s hearts open to the place they intrinsically know this pain even if they had no need or personal desire to make contact. I can be forceful like that. Impatience gets to me. When do we get to be free?

I am also like the beast in that vanity won me over for a while and I absorbed the opinions and judgments of people I was attempting to belong with. We practiced cutting others down to stand on their backs to feel better about ourselves. I still hear these voices echoing through the halls of my psyche often… particularly when discomfort comes knocking.

And by discomfort I mean fear.

I don’t want to be like you, my mother said to me. And I see that sentiment pop up in me towards others when I’m witnessing an expression I wouldn’t choose to endure.

Denial breeds destruction and so be it. Do you want to know how many things I have smashed on purpose? I cannot tell you… but I could name a few. My favourite is the slew of broken glass at my feet and the way I’d crash jars on the kitchen floor to communicate I’d arrived at the rigidity protecting me from something inside of myself.

I read the other day that emotional abuse is now being legally acknowledged as brain injury as it registers and sits in the same style as prolonged physical torture. Maybe that is why I got so many concussions in my depressed drunken years… my being was trying to get my attention on what was already there.

Malfunction on top of or underneath easy brilliance isn’t something people around me wanted to take time to acknowledge. Stop trying to be special.

Sigh. Who doesn’t want to be special? It’s a biological function to desire to be worth saving. Im just a baby in here not getting basic needs met.

I don’t want you to know how profusely prolific I am at feeding the compost pile of my creativity and artistry as though I produce only for death. If you think you’ve seen me, it’s barely true, I’ve hidden mostly everything from you. And that feels awful. It feel torturous.

Torture… I do believe, is one of my earliest experiences that my insides are clinging to refusing to release without direct acknowledgment and meanwhile the mechanics of ego protection have me barely able to touch it.

I don’t want you to know how much time I spend playing hide and seek with myself because you might suggest I should be doing the dishes instead.

more soon, love always

Ps I had a sense I’d reached my 1k word count intention and clicked over from notes to a notification that spiralled into watching someone’s story and I see the words “be patient with yourself healing takes time” with fresh water running into a cup of black ink that will eventually rid itself of pigment to be transparent again… and that’s what we’re up to in MiSSiON adopting kundalini reiki lifestyle running enough fresh energy through the system in ongoing playful Bitesize yummy repeatable ways so that the reiki takes over revealing our authentic incandescent depth … the light at the end of the tunnel … a tunnel that gets twisted distorted etc not feeling so smooth but we build muscle memory of smoothness. i love you.

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