Doing a PhD is no mean feet. A PhD in philosophy consists of a big thesis, teaching, departmental work, research, and a lot of self control. My thesis was 80,000 words (about 300 pages in Word font size 12, spacing 1.5 if you want specifics), and was titled “Feminist Sexual Liberation and Sexual Justice: An investigation into the role of imagination in sexual practice and social reform” (Herbst 2026). My thesis is 5 chapters long, and is my absolute pride and joy. As you can tell from the title, it is heavily socially motivated. I think it’s so important to balance the effort for justice in the face of sexually motivated crimes, and encourage sexual exploration in feminist form. For those local to my area, I have begun gently planning public lectures to invite you to hear the thesis - but only the really interesting bits. But it’s not all academic work in the PhD, it becomes your whole life. The research you undertake - especially in a life-concerned topic like philosophy - takes over every aspect of your life. It relates to your emotions, your hopes, your self assurance.

What people really don’t tell you about a PhD is the feeling which come with it - both within the PhD and after it. While doing the PhD all I could think of was how I felt like a fraud - who the hell thought I was capable of this? This was particularly poignant at the beginning of my teaching.

The University where I did my PhD offered a guaranteed job as a teaching assistant within the department. The first time I taught a class I remember sweating a lot and freaking out thinking that I knew nothing. I started teaching when I was 22 - only 4 years older than the students in the class, what kind of authority did I possibly have? But I quickly came to love the job - and it is one I’d love to keep. Retrospectively, the feeling of knowing nothing is in fact the best position to take. As one of the ancients said, “I know only one thing: that I know nothing” (Socrates, Apology: Daily Philosophy). You cannot expect to teach from the assumption that you know anything - especially in philosophy, where the contemplation and argument is the task at hand.

The mild imposter syndrome followed me through the PhD: from when I presented my novel theories in my department, to when I presented my work and the Gender Conference in Barcelona. The question always followed: am I qualified enough to be here? To do this? Speculation on where this doubt may have come from (gendered confidence I’m looking at you) aside, I did manage it. My viva went extremely well and has given me the confidence I need to start this substack. I am Dr Herbst, Philosopher. I have written 80,000 words. I am an authority on feminism, aesthetics, epistemology. I have and will share my knowledge. But simultaneously I have absolutely no direction in life now the PhD is over. The structure I had is gone, my biggest goal since being a teenager has, thankfully, been achieved.

So now I am left with that age old question of “what the fuck do I do now?”. I believe that this kind of limbo is particularly fatal for a philosopher. The job of philosophy is to think about things. And think about them a lot. And then change your perception and think about it again. Then add some glitter and think about it again. So when your research is done, and the endless landscape of life is in front of you, you will, in fact, think about every outcome ever (both glittery and not). My research motivations haven’t changed, but my belonging to a research society has. My wallet is also very empty while I look for a post-doc and a part time job. The emptiness didn’t phase me as a student, but now I feel like I should have a big girl job and big girl money. My hours are all mine, but without demand (my hours were mine before too but I had jobs to do and chapters to submit and deadlines to meet - now I just need to make sure the dogs and I are fed and the rest of the time is up for grabs). Consider me bored, stressed, and restless.

The metaphysical philosophers posit possible-other-world-theories, which (briefly) posit that every possible outcome of a situation is the actual outcome in another world which we will never see or know of for sure (the ‘actualist’ position on ‘possible world theory’, presented in ‘The Plurality of Worlds’ by Lewis (1986), for those curious). I, Dr Herbst, rather than the possibility of other worlds, prefer to consider “every-possible-outcome-of-my-choices-and-my-future-and-how-I-could-succeed-or-fail” - contained to this known universe only (God forbid). Ultimately, of course, my anxieties about the future are futile. My zen side knows that the only thing I can control is what is in front of my and what I apply myself to. The rest is still unwritten (Natasha Bedingfield, 2004). And though I feel totally out of control, in reality it turns out I am the only one in control. I control what I do, how I spend my time, how I treat people, how I present my research, how I share my knowledge. And that is the most precious and motivating thing I have now - specific knowledge and an earned authority on it.

I used to say in therapy that I wished I could glimpse into the future to know what was coming. Though this thought was motivated by an overwhelming fear of loss, and control issues (thank you for pointing that out Ms Therapist), it is applicable to this cross road (though it’s more of an endless roundabout where there are so many exits that not only do I feel sick from going round and round it, but I feel sick from the overwhelming selection of choice). I do wish I had could have a glimpse into the future so I could prepare, so I could have guidance from future me as to where I’m heading. Possible in another world, but not this one. But, were I granted my crystal ball dreams, I would be faced with the next most pressing issue which would be: am I happy with what I see?

The life I have imagined for myself is specific. A big desk, floor to ceiling windows, dogs, good food, etc. The life I desire for myself is a kind life, where grief turns from a stab to an ache quickly, there isn’t concern for food or warmth, and people I love are safe. A whole new spiral would ensue if I did not see these in the crystal ball. Arguably a worse spiral - the problem with knowing your future would be the new question of if your future is mutable or set. If given the option of a future glimpse or a future blindness I would rather choose what I know now; sweet FA. This way I can pick what I want to happen and I can work towards being the person I want to be. The fluidity of the future is what makes life so enticing and unbearable at the same time.

All of this to say: I have no idea what the fuck to do now, but I know I owe myself respect for my accomplishments and the only thing I know I can do is look after myself to the best of my abilities. That is pretty much all we can do when we come to a the end of a chapter without knowing whats coming in the next. I have hopes that being able to write more creatively and let you read it will fill my time with something I am passionate about and that invites you, sweet reader, to see a side of me which has been working hard for 5 years and has not shared much at all, if anything. So stay tuned, there are more thoughts to come.

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TRIGGER WARNING: Discussions of rape, assault, sexually motivated crimes and femicide - no details, just in passing.

As you can see from the video and audo above … things have changed at Philosophy HQ. I realised that maybe (just maybe) you would prefer to see or hear from me than read my words ! Though written media will be available as well, I will be presenting videos on a weekly basis. Throughout the week I will drop little quotes or thoughts as they come to me through my own research.

The articles I premptively wrote will still be published - but together to the video format, so you can pick what you enjoy most !

In this introductory episode I cover the basics - name, age, date of birth, current address. Favourite philosophers, thesis summary, and a little info about what I’ve been up to for the past 5 years. As of next week we will dive into the nitty gritty but for this week I hope you enjoy the launch of Her Philosophy: The Philosophy Magazine for Diva’s <3

Bibliography:

• Catherine MacKinnon

  • Only Words (1993)

  • Are Women Human? (2006)

  • Pornography: A Civil Rights Matter (1988)

  • Anti-Pornography Civil Rights Audinence (1983)

• Jean Paul Sartre, Being and Nothingness (1943)

• Simone de Beauvoire, The Second Sex (1949)

• Chanel Miller, Know My Name (2019)

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