I feel like I should preface this with the fact that I have heard many personal testimonials of how emdr has saved peoples lives and effectively and drastically helped their ptsd. That deserves recognition. But what happens when a science backed and evidence based treatment re-traumatizes you? I felt like a failure or something was wrong with me, but I have learned that people with cptsd may respond differently to emdr and that it’s a not a one size fits all treatment. I believe that for emdr to be successful, that safety needs to be the number one priority. I did not have safety established within or without when I tried it. EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It can help people with ptsd trauma, addiction, anxiety, etc. It works by using bilateral stimulation through eye movements to help the brain process and release unresolved memories, acting like a reset button. This article is not an attack on Emdr or anyone that has found success with it, this is about my personal experience. My therapist at the time told me about emdr shortly after diagnosing me with cptsd. She told me what it was, the definition, and the success rates and I was fucking sold. Sign me upppp I said. I was desperate at that time, I would have tried anything.

Let’s back it up a little bit, I had seen this therapist months back when I first started my therapy journey, when I was pregnant. I was severely depressed. She helped pull me out of that and find the light at the end of the tunnel. I was depressed because one, this pregnancy was a blessing but unexpected and I was not prepared. Two, I did not have any family around and three, I had just found out about my partners porn addiction, literally days before finding out I was pregnant. I felt very unsafe and alone, dealing with betrayal trauma, going cold turkey with my own alcohol and nicotine addictions, and feeling deeply hurt from a friend at the time. I was depressed as fuck. This counselor helped me through that. I saw her for 6 months, I re took my depression questionnaire and she said my treatment plan was over and I was good to go. Lol I aced the depression test I guess. I did feel a lot better, but I was also really good at masking. I thought it was strange but I was like okay, she’s the professional, I’m good to go! Fast forward 6 months. I’m a few months postpartum with my newborn son. My partner has a relapse with his porn addiction. I freak. The. Fuck. Out. Rage from the depths of hell was released. I was extremely destructive, threw his camera at the wall making a huge hole. Literally smashed his computer to the ground into pieces. Punched him in the jaw. So much yelling. Crying. I am not proud of this at all. At the time…it felt good. Followed by intense shame. All of these things went down when my son was sleeping thank God. But fuck. I was not okay. Again feeling so lost, alone, afraid, so much grief, anger, rage. I was convinced I had bpd (borderline personality disorder) because of my intense reactions. I had not been diagnosed with cptsd yet. I was also dealing with postpartum anxiety and depression. I made the choice to reach back out to my counselor and start treatment again. I told her everything that had happened. I asked her why my reactions were so severe, we followed the web back to my traumatic as fuck childhood and that’s when she finally diagnosed me with cptsd. That was the first time I was able to start giving myself some grace. And also realized that my partner had cptsd too. He was still working with his toxic abusive father, his relapse was a cry for help. He ended up leaving his father’s business after I made an ultimatum shortly after and started going to therapy weekly himself. I’m proud to say that he has been free of his addiction for nearly two years now. We’re married now haha. It has been quite the journey together, we’ve really come from the bottom up, and I am very proud of us, him, me. Anyways back to emdr, fuck. Trying to write this with my feral toddler on the loose! When I look back now I realize that I was still masking with this counselor. She had a new office, I didn’t like the lighting, the room was stuffy, her wall decor was crooked, and I didn’t like how she would check her Apple Watch constantly during our sessions. I didn’t feel fucking safe, seen, or heard. I am a highly sensitive person, I notice everything, and at that time I got triggered by the littlest of things. In one of our sessions I mentioned how I was still really struggling and not feeling any progress. That is when she brought up emdr. Like I said before, I was desperate. And I was willing to try anything. I just wanted to be a good mom. My session was in the morning. She gave me two clicker buttons, one for my left hand and one for my right. She told me the process, that I was to pick a traumatic event that is still unprocessed and to think about it. She would ask some questions, we would go through the memory a few times in my head, and when she told me to look left or right I needed to click the left or right clicker at the same time. Honestly overwhelming from the start lol. It was so hard for me to focus. I have adhd. Lucky me I had a lot of unprocessed traumatic memories to choose from. I skipped my childhood trauma and chose one of the more recent traumatic memories in my life. One I had never spoken about. But had affected me deeply. And I thought could be some of the reason of my intense emotions and reactions towards my partner and the betrayal trauma. It was a traumatic memory with my abusive ex.

I wrote about it in this article below:

https://honeybee222.substack.com/p/i-need-to-talk-about-something-that?r=8tcmmf&utm_medium=ios

We start the treatment, no breathing before, no establishing of safety in my body or the room, just jumping right in. I picture the memory vividly. His face, his black eyes, the colors, the sounds, my fear. This is all in my head. I start sobbing. She tells me keep going. I ask to stop. I hear him screaming my name. I ask if I can tell her the memory that it needs to come out. She says no. Just stay where you’re at and when you’re ready we’ll continue. At this point I felt like a fire hydrant that was about to explode with emotions. I said please I need to get it out. She said okay I guess. I start word vomiting this deeply traumatic memory. I was met with silence and her looking at her Apple Watch. Let’s get back into it, she said, your session is almost up. I’m feeling a tiny bit of relief from finally getting this memory out of my body but also exhausted and honestly shut down. This was a time when it was easy and familiar to abandon myself and disconnect from my body. I agreed. We go through the memory a couple more times. I felt rushed. I was already shut down in freeze mode. She tells me okay, take it easy for the rest of the day, try not to have any arguments or big talks with your partner. That I might feel a bit dream state-y. I leave her office feeling like…what the fuck. My friend asked how it went. All I could say was, intense. Later that afternoon we were on our way to the coast. I thought what a great idea, nice relaxing drive. Time at the ocean with my family sounds wonderful. WRONG. I couldn’t stop replaying the memory in my head. From the time I left her office. The whole drive. I wanted to tell my partner about it but I couldn’t get the words out. I had so much anxiety, my throat ached, my chest was so tight. My son got really upset on the drive and started crying hysterically. It triggered my flight or flight. I had one of the worst panic attacks I have ever had in my life. I yelled for my partner to pull over and I jumped out of the car. I couldn’t breathe. He started freaking out. My baby was freaking out. I was not okay. Finally after going for a walk by myself, regulating my breath, orienting safety in myself and surroundings. I was humming a song. Walked back to the car and my partner and baby were regulated and laughing. My son wanted me and some milkies. I felt so bad because I didn’t want him to absorb all that cortisol from my body, but he needed his milkies. So I nurse my baby, give my partner a hug, we continue on our drive to the ocean. I cried the whole time. Memory still flashing through my mind. I felt disassociated the rest of the day. The ocean was calming, the sunset was beautiful. I made it through. We made it back home and I cried myself to sleep. I cancelled my future appointments and stopped seeing that counselor. I found a new counselor, who is a wonderful wonderful wonderfulllll woman. From the very first time I met with her, I knew she was sent to me. She made me feel so safe, seen, and heard. I have been seeing her for about a year and a half now and I am amazed at how far I have come. She challenges me, she praises me, she makes me feel SAFE. I have done tremendous work of my own outside of counseling, but she provided a safe space for me to speak, to cry, to feel when I didn’t have one. She has been a true guide and elder in my life. Very grateful to her, and I have an appointment with her this evening actually. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope this reaches who it’s supposed to and for anyone who experienced something similar, I hope that my story makes you feel less alone. I’m not sure if I’ll ever try emdr again, I would be more open to it now that I have safety in my body, in my life, and in my environment, and have a trusted counselor, but I have found different forms of therapy that have helped me. Talk therapy, shadow work, dreamwork, somatic therapy, qi gong, finding my breath, painting, music and healing frequencies, journaling and writing, play, Mother Nature, praying, tarot, water therapy, energetics, rituals, and magick. They say it takes a village with cptsd lol but think I am doing quite well at this time in my life and found what works for me. I am still on my healing spiral, I believe the work is never ending, we will come back to things again and again, with news eyes and from higher levels of consciousness. The journey is not linear, it is a spiral. Keep going.

With love, light and shadow,

Melissa Holleen

🤍🖤🪽

Ughhh. I tried writing this as a note but I hit the word limit. So here we are. My perfectionist MC Virgo in the 10th house is not happy about this lol. But something else is calling me to share my medicine with someone else who might be struggling, so I’m listening, and surre…

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✨Only love and truth are welcome in my space, may this find who it’s supposed to✨

I have pmdd. If you don’t know what that is, consider yourself lucky lol seriously. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is a severe, chronic medical condition that acts as a much stronger and more disabling form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). It causes intense emotional and physical symptoms during the week or two before a period starts, which then improve or go away shortly after bleeding begins. Unlike standard PMS, PMDD heavily disrupts daily life, work performance, and personal relationships. That is the definition from Google. I also have adhd and cpstd, I don’t feel like filling up this article with definitions, just know..it’s rough out here! Lol. I know I’m not alone, unfortunately there are many women who suffer from one or all of these every month/day. I have tried so many remedies over the years, pretty desperate for relief but just got used to it really. Until I was postpartum and my hormones went fucking haywire and so did my pmdd symptoms. My luteal phase became debilitating. And I was struggling with adhd and cptsd symptoms on top of that and during the rest of the month. I started going back to therapy again a couple years ago, that helped tremendously. For self awareness and rumination. And just a safe nonjudgmental space to express my darker thoughts is huge for me. I take Pepcid ac + Zyrtec. Magnesium glycinate. And my herbal allies are lemon balm and passion flower. I use cannabis as a grounding tool. I started painting again. I meditate and pray daily. I journal and do tarot. I spend a lot of time outside. However, the most radical thing I have done is make friends with my pmdd. I look at her as an archetype. My inner teen/Queen of the underworld lol. Through doing shadow work I realized that these darker parts and not so pretty parts of ourselves just need love, not rejection. I’ve spent years rejecting so many parts of myself. Especially pmdd symptoms. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t help!!! I used to dread my luteal phase so severely that it almost ran my whole life. Everything felt so overwhelming. The looming dread was always there. Even on a good hormonal day I would find myself feeling so much grief because why couldn’t I just feel like that all the time. Well I starting switching up the inner narrative. I changed my perception. I now welcome my luteal phase the way I welcome autumn. And if you knew how much my soul loves autumn you would understand the weight of that statement. I have learned to embrace my pmdd. By accepting all parts of myself I am now able to flow through my inner seasons with more ease. I do some preventative things now too. When luteal is approaching as well as my inner queen of the underworld, I prepare myself for the descent. To go beneath the surface into the depths of my subconscious. I am aware of my heightened sensitivity and sensory issues. I love how honest I am with myself. I learned how to decipher intrusive thoughts from my intuition so now I trust my thoughts. I believe my emotions are messengers. I make sure I am nourishing my body, which is so important because when my blood sugar gets low, symptoms go haywire. I stay hydrated. Energetic hygiene and daily morning grounding. Heart chakra practices. I don’t really schedule social events and keep our routine mellow. I don’t engage in super serious conversations with people unless necessary. I respect my boundaries. I listen to my body. I make time for creativity. I make sure I get some alone time. I don’t isolate anymore, but I go hermit mode for sure. It has dramatically changed my luteal phases. Yes I still have some really rough days but comparatively speaking, last year to now, dramatic difference. Yes I still experience symptoms, but the lens I observe them through has changed. Instead of drowning in my subconscious for 2 weeks I am swimming and exploring the dark waters. Instead of 2 weeks of suffering, it’s 1 week and some days of being extra gentle with myself and preparing for my bleed. A part of me dies and is reborn each month. Once I started working with my phases instead of against them is when things truly shifted for me. When in doubt, look to the Moon. The same way I honor the Moons phases are how I honor my own. We are one after all.

I AM WOMAN by Emmy Meli lyrics are playing in my head right now, enjoy

🩷

I am woman, I am fearless
I am sexy, I'm divine
I'm unbeatable, I'm creative
Honey, you can get in line
I am feminine, I am masculine
I am anything I want
I can teach you, I can love you
If you got it goin' on

I am classy, I am modern, I live by my own design
I'm cherry, I'm lemon, I'm the sweetest key lime pie
I'm electric, I'm bass, I'm the beat of my own drum
I could make your goosebumps raise with the tracing of my thumb

Only love can get inside me
I move in my own timing
Voice of the future, speak to me kindly
I feel what I want and somehow it find me
Somehow it find me
Somehow it find me
Yeah, hey, hey

I am woman, I am fearless
I am sexy, I'm divine
I'm unbeatable, I'm creative
Honey, you can get in line
I am feminine, I am masculine
I am anything I want
I can teach you, I can love you
If you got it goin' on

Hear no evil, speak no evil
I am not the one to cross
They can talk that shit about you
Long as you know that it's false
I am earthly, I am heaven
I am what I like to be
When I ask for what I want
Somehow it find me
Somehow it find me
(Hey, hey)

I am woman, I am fearless
I am sexy, I'm divine
I'm unbeatable, I'm creative
Honey, you can get in line
I am feminine, I am masculine
I am anything I want
I can teach you, I can love you
If you got it goin' on

If you got it, got it, got it, got it
Got it, got it, got it goin' on
Got it goin' on
Got it goin' on
Got it goin' on

🖤

That is all. Hope this helps someone🤍

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE. LUTEAL. Lolllll

With love and 4 days into my luteal phase,

Melissa Holleen

~Only love and truth may enter my space. May this find who it’s supposed to~

I’m 34 now. My near death experience happened at the ripe age of 19 years old. The year was 2011. I had graduated high school in 2010. I think it was around the Fourth of July. Life was pretty good. Little did I know, this was the night that my entire life got flipped upside down. I remember walking into my best friend’s boyfriend’s apartment, there was a huge bottle of Svedka vodka with red white and blue American flag design. He was having a party. Literally right when we walked in, we took a shot of vodka and a kalonopin. That was the last thing I remember. I woke up naked. I did not remember until earlier this year when I had a repressed memory come through, but I was sexually assaulted. I still don’t fully remember everything but I know that I was, I remember his face, my body remembers the violation and confusion. When I came to I was so out of it. My best friend and her boyfriend brought me into the bathroom. He handed me a pipe, I thought it was weed. I was so out of it, I remember thinking huh this an interesting looking pipe. Yeah..it was meth. Lol whoopsie.. it was around 4am. I felt awake, I felt alive. Me and my friend had the wild idea to go drive to the mountains and watch the sunrise. She drove. We made the 40 minute drive with smooth sailing thank God. We watched the sunrise and I remember feeling so free, so euphoric. Then..reality quickly set it. And the come down from the high I was on hit me hard. I realized both of our phones were dead. And I realized that my friend was way more fucked up than I was. I knew that I had to drive us back. I didn’t feel good about it, but perhaps if I let her drove we both would have been dead. I had a knot in my stomach, I knew something bad was going to happen. The road was very windy, I turned the wheel too far to the right and before I knew it we were smashed into a tree. I felt my head pounding. I looked over at my friend she was okay, she looked at me with horror in her eyes. I had hit the left side of my head on the dashboard and severed an artery. I had blood gushing from my head. I couldn’t feel anything. We switched spots and she started driving, I remember her white Camry with the driver side so smashed, idk how it was driveable. She was so scared. I remember her saying, “I can’t take you to the hospital, I don’t want to get in trouble, I’m bringing you to my boyfriends house”. I remember even though I was in shock, I knew I was in serious danger. Amidst the shock, my body was going into fight or flight. I looked in the mirror and I was soaked in blood. Like from the movie Carrie. I remember we drove by a car with a man and a woman and the woman saw me, I saw her through the window start screaming, they started following us in their car, honking, trying to get my friend to pull over. She did not. I looked at my phone again. Still dead. I was frozen with fear. I thought I was going to die. I sometimes wonder what happened to that couple, I feel guilty for traumatizing them. My friend pulled into the gas station. She said she was going to get cigarettes and napkins. This was my chance, I jumped out of the car. A woman getting gas locked eyes with me. She ripped her shirt off and ran to me and wrapped it around my head. Gosh I’m getting chills writing this and remembering it. That was the last thing I remember. I believe she was a guardian angel. I woke up in the hospital surrounded by my grandma, my mom, my dad, and my brother. And 22 stitches in my head. I had lost so much blood that I almost died the doctor said. He stressed to me how unbelievably lucky I was. He also waited until we were alone to tell me that they did a drug test and found methamphetamines in my system, he didn’t want to tell my family. What a G. That would have broken their hearts even more. They arrested my friend at the gas station. I somehow only got charged with reckless driving and had my license suspended. My friends car got totaled and she lost her license. I went to stay with my mom to recover. I did not want to stay with my dad and my step mom. My parents got divorced maybe 5 years prior. Me and step mom didn’t get along. My mom had been addicted to opiates since I was 3 years old, but was not using at the time, so I chose to stay with her. Safer I thought lollllll. They prescribed me Vicodin for my pain. I went out for a walk and had a very icky feeling in my stomach like something bad was going to happen. I still went. I came back and counted my pills. My mom had taken two. My stomach twisted and sank. I asked her straight up, did you take my medicine? She looked at me so coldly. “Yes. Get the fuck out of my house.” Unfortunately that was not the first time that my mother had betrayed me and devastated me simultaneously. This was a familiar feeling. I left. Forced to go stay with my dad and judgmental step mom. I was so weak. My dad had me on lockdown. We got into so many arguments. I was so weak. My soul felt dead. I went into a heavy depression. My dad and step mom moved states shortly after that, and my mom did as well. I was alone. I have been on my own since. I moved up to the mountains where and aunt and uncle lived, they took wonderful care of me. I healed internally, started learning how to be independent and started living my life again. Now I know that I was never alone and am always surrounded by my spirit team of angels, guides, and ancestors walking along and intervening when necessary.

The spot where I smashed my head and got stitches has been pulsing since I started writing this. I put my hand on it and send so much love. I also send so much love and compassion to that version of myself. She learned her lesson. I struggle with driving anxiety to this day, forever a work in progress🌀 I am safe, I am loved, I am here

All of those difficult experiences brought me to this exact moment and place in time and for that..I am eternally grateful. I am divinely guided and protected. I trust deeply in God’s plan for me🦋

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Thank you for taking the time and energy to process through these memories with me.

Xoxo

-m.h.s.

I’m writing about this today for a few reasons. This is something I am very vulnerable about and still processing/healing. I hope that my words can help or comfort another person dealing with betrayal trauma. And because I got fucking triggered this morning. Let’s talk about it.

First I would like to preface this with my “boyfriend” at the time is now my soon to be husband. And the father to my son. I love and respect his, mine, and our journey deeply. This is not to shame him in any way, to be quite frank, I am at the point in my healing journey where I look back and I am grateful for what I discovered and what we have been through. My partner has cptsd, as do I. His coping mechanism that he used to survive his horrific childhood was, porn. Mine, alcohol, drugs, sex. Same same but different. We have both worked tremendously hard on learning and creating new and healthy coping mechanisms, in therapy weekly, shadow work, self work, inner work, healing together work, all the damn work lol I’m damn proud of how far we have come. Wouldn’t change a thing. And I believe that in our early days when I discovered his addiction, it was for a reason. We were/are mirrors for each other, he highlighted my wounds and fears I needed to work through and I did the same for him. My father cheated and lied to my mom repeatedly and my partners father is a severe alcoholic. These are the fears/wounds that were mirrored in each other. He is no longer a porn addict and I am no longer an alcoholic. Period. I believe from the bottom of my heart that him and I are soul mates. He is my beloved. We are to be married this October 10th, on a New Moon in Libra. Iykyk✨ Anywaysssssss now we can continue. I’m going to start with the trigger this morning.

Le trigger:

We don’t have a tv in our home. Me and my partner don’t really enjoy tv anymore and when we actually have time, we throw a documentary on YouTube. We have a two year old ball of sunshine child. He likes to watch Little Bear lol so we have a laptop. This morning after a couple hours of my son being awake, I open the laptop to put on little bear. I see that YouTube is up, but it’s on the watch history page. And there’s another tab open, YouTube watch history. Hmm I think, that’s odd. I immediately feel suspicious, but calm. Today is my loves first day of his new promotion. I’m not gonna txt him I think in my head, then I start over thinking, so…I send him a quick calm txt. “Hey baby why is the watch history page up on YouTube? Were you trying to delete something?” Totally calm cool collected right lolllllll. Well 3 hours go by, my logical brain knows that he is busy at work. It is his literal first day. But my trauma response had kicked in by then unfortunately. In my head for the past few hours I was having intense flashbacks, memories, emotions all coming and going like a high tide ocean wave. I was quite literally going to the absolute worst case scenarios assuming this pre meditated relapse he was planning, having to cancel our upcoming wedding, having to deal with more pain from betrayal and lies, worrying how I’m gonna be a single mom, ay yi yi yes my brain goes there. It fucking sucks. I try to calm myself down, I ground myself, force myself to eat, take my son for a drive. He calls me on his lunch, “hey baby I just saw your txts, are you okay? What’s happening?” I ask him straight up. He reminds me that last night when I got done putting my son down that I had asked what he was watching and he pulled up the watch history to show me. I had completely forgotten. Until then. Wow I realized how intense my trauma response was. I felt immediately bad. Because he didn’t do anything. Then angry. Because it’s his actions that have caused this response in me. Then compassion. For us both. Then I calm down. I cry. I had been so tense for hours. Then I breathe and say I’m sorry. “I love you so much, I hope you’re having a good first day, I’m sorry” he says “please don’t be sorry, I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you in the past, I wish I could give you a big hug”. This is 3 years after discovering his addiction. I haven’t felt triggered in a while. It definitely still happens. But less and less as time passes, I would like to say less intense emotions but that would only be seldom true. Because when I get triggered, it still brings me right back. So it depends.

Let’s back it alllllllll the way up to my dream and a couple red flags that I bypassed and discovery day (the day I discovered the lies).

Le dream:

I now realize this years later and after studying dreams and the subconscious, but my psyche was definitely communicating with me. And I believe something bigger, a divine being was warning me. Perhaps my higher self, perhaps my angels or guides. I am not sure. What I do know is that every time a partner has cheated or betrayed my trust I am told in a dream. Every damn time. Unfortunately there has been a lot of times! Lol. Anyways this dream..let me think back really quick. I’m writing this as my son is napping next to me :) he is so sweet and perfect. Okay okay so the dream. I am hovering above a dirt field or a corn field or something. I see my boyfriend on one side. I see a naked woman on the other side, dancing and touching herself in the flowers. In my dream my stomach tightens, I look down at my boyfriend and he has his pants down and touching himself while watching this mysterious garden woman. I wake up. I think nothing of it. Just a weird dream lollll. I now know that any dream that I remember is meant to be interpreted and has a message. Message was pretty clear in that dream eh? I remember my boyfriend was so stressed at the time. He worked with his abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic, father. I did not bring up the dream. We were laying in bed one night and he was trying to convince me to get a new vibrator. I remember being like um okay but felt suspicious. That was my intuition i was ignoring. I remember saying I don’t really need one, I like just fucking you. He kept pushing and I said wait do you masturbate a lot without me? He froze. I asked wait…do you watch porn? We were about 1 year into our relationship (we had already had a talk about porn and he knew I didn’t like it in relationships, he said it wasn’t a problem). Do you watch porn?? I asked again. He said well…yeah sometimes. I don’t have any pictures of you. My heart sank into my stomach. I asked him to go sleep on the couch. There were many lies I uncovered in the next coming weeks. He had a full blown addiction that he had been struggling with since he was 12. He started watching it again after we got together when his dad got sick and hospitalized and his stress became overwhelming. He was escaping any way he could. He was suffering. I can see that now. But to me, then, it was the ultimate betrayal. He was hiding it from me that whole time. Was he lying about other shit? Did he find me attractive? Did he think about porn while he was fucking me? What’s wrong with just me? Should I dress sluttier? What if I had bigger boobs? These were all thoughts and emotions running through me all at once. I was filled with rage and grief. I am so grateful to not feel or think those things anymore. Through this difficult journey I was able to find true self love. I love and respect myself deeply. I know that his addiction existed before he knew I existed. His addiction has nothing to do with me. It is his own demons he is battling. I learned how to deeply trust myself and my intuition. It led me to truly connecting with my own body, my self, with God. “God entered through the wound” -Carl Jung. One of my favorite quotes and people ever. Damn wish I had the knowledge of Carl’s teaching while I was going through all of that. But his teachings found me at the right time and place. Okay I’m rambling now, my son is awake from his nap and he is feral haha. Speaking of my little angel. That leads me to about a week after discovering what I had discovered and having my world turned upside down…there was yet another surprise in store for me. The best and most beautiful surprise there ever was, I say now. Lol at the time I was crying, throwing up and shitting my pants all at the same time. Yeah…so, a week later, I was late for my period. I thought it was just stress. My period was never late. I also was told years prior by a doctor that I would not be able to conceive a child. So please understand when I say that this was the last thing I ever expected to happen. I was now 4 days late for my period. I felt oddly calm but figured I better get a pregnancy test. My roommate went with me to the dollar general to get one. I was on the phone with a close friend at the time, and then after the 3 longest minutes of my fucking life. It was confirmed. Pregnant. I was in shock. My friend said she had to go on the phone. She ghosted me for a week. I am still processing that one. Oof your girl has so many wounds in the process of healing. The shadow work never ends people, it never ends! Anywhooo fast forward to today. Almost 4 years later. We made it. We good. We are breaking generational cycles. We are healing our future. We our healing our inner children while raising our child with unconditional love. I wouldn’t change a thing. I am a very happy multidimensional mother that is filled with rage, grief, and immense love and gratitude. I hold a multitude of truths at once. And I happened to get triggered today. My family is beautiful, I am so grateful and lucky that my son chose me and his dad to be his parents. This spiral of life is wild and I’m forever learning.

If you made it this far, you’re a trooper. Thanks for sticking along with my ramblings and mental/emotional processing, truly from my heart, thank you for being here🤍

~Only love and truth are welcome in my space, may this find who it’s supposed to~

So this was a little while ago when I was pretty balls deep in my spiritual awakening (more like remembering as I like to call it). I was doing daily prayer, mediation, rituals, spells, etc. All things spiritual and metaphysical lol. Anyways, one night I tell my fiancé I need some self care mom time and to hang out with our 1 ½ year old (at the time) He said of course baby, he loves supporting my self care. I am a lucky woman. ANYWAYZZZZ that night I grab a candle, my favorite crystals, palo santo, my bell, my journal, and get my bath goinnnnn. If you are in early motherhood you understand how difficult and rare and precious it is to take a fucking bath on a week night lol. I light my palo santo as usual to cleanse my space. I lit the candle, and turned off the bathroom light. I cannot remember the exact ritual or words I used, but I had my crystals and rosary lined up near the candle on the edge of the tub. I rang my little bell a few times. I added my Epsom salt and I stepped in, ahhhh perfect temperature. I was sitting with my legs criss crossed and I started doing my breathing meditation. One hand on my heart, one hand on my womb, 4 count breath in, hold for 2, 6 count breath out. When I do this I see a pinkish red smokey cloud in my minds eye. After a few times of doing this I am out of my head and in my body. I said a little prayer. I thanked my angels and guides for being with me. I opened my eyes and started staring at the candle. I felt almost like I was in a trance. Again I cannot remember the exact works I used but my intention was to release karmic ties, ancestral trauma, and resentment. I know that I called on the Earth elements. Fuck, I wish I remember what I said.. Once I was done, I rang my bell, sank into the warm water for a second and started the drain. I could hear my son in the other room being feral. It was near his bedtime and I had been away for a whole 20 minutes lollllll. I drank a big ol glass of water and got us ready for bed. I was so tired I fell asleep putting my son down. Thanks magnesium. All I remember is waking up a few times in the night in the in between stage of sleep it felt like, when you’re not fully asleep but also not fully awake. I remember each time waking up I physically felt myself drop into my body, saying “cleansed and cleared” each time. I woke up in the morning feeling like I had been ran over by a literal semi truck. I got up, immediately ran to the restroom and threw up. It’s highly unusual for me to throw up (except for when I was pregnant). I was sick as fuck for a week. I had extreme fatigue, nausea and vomiting, hip and back pain, lots of crying. Felt like the damn wook flu. Iykyk hahaha. And then that week passed and I felt the hugest weight off of me. Like a generational burden had been quite literally lifted off. I felt light as a feather. I felt relief. It wasn’t until then that I realized that my Epsom salt release bath ritual had worked.

If you made it this far, thanks for being here as a witness while I process through memories and mystical occurrences that I am not able to share anywhere else except my damn journal, I am grateful to your time and support on my journey✨

Xoxo

-Still anonymous for now

“The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most secret sanctum of the soul” Carl G Jung. My fuckin boy. I am a bit obsessed with Carl Jung teachings at this time in my life, probably has something to do with my Pluto in Scorpio in the 12th house lol but I seriously can’t get enough. I wrote in my journal a couple months back “I wish I could drink a cup of coffee and smoke a cigarette with Carl Jung”.

Let’s get started with my dream and then I will walk you through my interpretation through the jungian lens. And then a quick tarot pull at the end that reflected everything perfectly as always.

The dream:

I dreamt that I walked over to my neighbors house, on the exterior I was very calm cool collected, but on the inside screaming. I had my son on my hip as I walked over to the door and knocked. There is a couple that live next to us, the man answered. We locked eyes and I calmly said can you please call 911. He looked at me very seriously and calmly said okay and turned around to go in the kitchen and call.

When I woke up in the morning, I remembered the dream exactly, which was interesting because I don’t normally remember my dreams after waking, but I remember thinking huh that was interesting, and didn’t think much of it. Until I was sitting on the couch with my baby drinking my coffee when it struck me, I asked my psyche what I need to know before bed and I had this dream. There is a couple of things happening in my life I need to note for this interpretation to make sense lol. I am getting married in October, my brother is getting married in September, my mom and dad (divorced) and my dad’s new family will all be reunited for the first time ever. There is immense trauma that we all have. I am the only one who goes to therapy and done shadow work. I have cptsd and loads of childhood trauma and generational ancestral trauma and was trying to be excited about these upcoming reunions but really just feeling scared.

The interpretation:

• The neighbor represents my Animus (inner masculine)

• Carrying my child on my hip represents the divine child (my future, my vulnerability)

• The emergency represents a sacred emergency, a cry from my psyche to clear out old generational patterns, so I can protect the future, and step into alignment

My animus did not panic when I knocked or with the emergency, he looked me dead in the eye, accepted my internal freak out with calmness, and went to the kitchen to take care of it right away.

My forced calmness and positivity is silencing my valid fears. The calm exterior but internal freak out symbolizes the heavy unhealed family grief, and the upcoming reunion.

This dream helped me to be honest with myself about some serious fears I’m having. I fear my family being together again and all the emotions and memories it will bring up, seeing my mom, dad, and step mom near each other bring me immense anxiety, and a fear I’ve never spoken out loud..but I feared that my partner would not be able to break his generational cycles as I am doing. For weeks I was trying to convince my mom, dad, brother, and partner to do shadow work like I have been doing. This brought attention to my inner child. Hi little me. Big big hug. She is still trying to rescue her family. Big hug sweet girl. In Jungian teaching, we cannot do another persons shadow work.

Back to the interpretation. Me carrying my child in my dream is my psyche telling me that my job is to carry my own future and my own inner child. I cannot carry my mom, dad, brother, or partner. My partner and my animus. My fear about my partner is answered by my neighbor. He represents my own inner masculine, symbolizing that my animus is kind, serious, and ready to act. When I strengthen my animus, I don’t need my partner to be perfect because I have the inner security to handle whatever comes.

Now the alchemical resolution of my dream. The neighbor walking into the kitchen to call 911. The kitchen is where raw, chaotic ingredients (panic, grief, and trauma) are transformed into nourishment. My psyche is actively cooking and processing this grief behind the scenes. So basically this dream and my psyche is telling me that I need to release the pressure of thinking positive, that my anxiety I am having is natural processing, and to release it after it comes with compassion and grace.

The tarot pull✨

The king of wands representing my animus. Representing my inner protector and boundary setter. He is creative, fiercely protective, and unbothered by others emotional chaos. He does not passive aggressively shrink, he commands the room. Him dropping into the 4 of wands aka (the wedding, and reunion) revealing that my animus is the exact foundation supporting this celebration. I do not need to look outward for a savior or a shield from family trauma, I hold the safety I need within.

The knight of cups represents my emotional vulnerability, inner romantic, and sensitivity. Dropping into the wands means that these feeling are being accelerated. My vulnerability is being super charged by the fast moving energy of upcoming events. My emotions are running at high speed, instead of trying to suppress or control which emotions, I need to channel this energy into love, toward my partner, our sacred union, loving words. I need to let the speed of the wands carry my love, not my anxiety.

The four of pentacles represents my inner gatekeeper. He stands at the door of my subconscious. Holding onto grief, family trauma, and self preservation instincts. Dropping into the lovers is standing at the threshold of my new life. My family trauma and grief are heavy burdens that my gatekeeper has tightly guarded for years to keep me safe. By dropping into the lovers, the gatekeeper is bringing those unhealed family patterns directly into the light. It symbolizes the moment when I look at my past (the trauma) and my future (sacred union and healing) and make a conscious, sovereign choice about which one defines me. The drop represents the profound symbolic tension within my psyche. My dream and my anxiety are the gatekeepers natural reaction to a massive transition. It is the part of me that is terrified of being hurt again by my family, and confronting the part of me that is ready to choose love, harmony, healing, and expansion. It is the literal alchemy of turning fear into devotion.

If you have made it this far, I thank you greatly for your time and energy, and walking along this journey with me.

-still anonymous for now

Xo

His name was Raph. Quite the dr jekel and Mr Hyde type. He was an emt but also a drug dealer and repeat abuser of women. I did not know about the last part when I met him. I think we met on instagram? I was living in the small resort town in Colorado. He lived in the next town over. We met for margaritas at one of the local watering holes called La Cantina nestled inside the transportation center. Oh the memories in that vicinity… my psyche brings me there in dreams from time to time. Anyways, I thought he was so exciting, he told me he was getting his pilot license, he travelled a lot, he drank like me (like a fucking fish), he vaped, he had cocaine, his parents owned a fancy restaurant in town, he was a trustafarian as a friend of mine would say, lol a trust fund kid. My dream man at the time hahaha yikes. So many red flags that I welcomed with open arms, hard not to cringe when I look back. This was a time when I did not love myself, I was dealing with depression, constant self abandonment, addiction issues, self sabotage coping mechanisms, aka I was the perfect prey for him. We were pretty inseparable after that first encounter. Within a couple of months, I stopped talking to my friends, I lost my job, I ended up moving in with him, was doing drugs and drinking every day, very isolated from my life before I met him. I became a version of myself that I have never fully recognized. I send her love and compassion now. One weekend we planned to go to his family ranch. No WiFi, no problem right?…this was my dream getaway turned nightmare come true.

It was such a beautiful drive. If you have driven through the mountains in Colorado, you understand what I’m talking about. Blue skies, picture book clouds, fresh as fuck air, sunny, beautiful no matter the season. A couple hours later we had arrived, before we pulled up to the locked gate, I noticed a tree house on their land. I felt an eerie feeling in my body, pointed it out to my boyfriend and said how cute. A classic example of me ignoring my body signals at that time in my life. The ranch, more like mansion, was beautiful. But when we walked in it felt so cold to me. Energetically. There were sheets covering all of the furniture, which I remember thinking huh it looks like a bunch of cute ghosts. We got settled in, had some food, started drinking. I remember being annoyed that he didn’t bring any party favors aka drugs lol. He made us some dinner, we drank some more. We were listening to music really loud and dancing around and then something happened, can’t remember what, but we started arguing. We argued a lot. He was always picking on me. Trying to embarrass or humiliate me. I didn’t know until after we broke up, but he had been mentally and emotionally abusing me. He is a narcissist. Anyways, when I would drink, which was constantly at that time in my life, I would speak and argue straight from my subconscious. Scary, and very destructive. I don’t even remember what he said but it filled me with so much anger. I grabbed the lamp and threw it across the room. His eyes went jet black. He grabbed me by the throat and slammed me on the bed. He was screaming so loud in my face there was spit coming out of his mouth. I thought he was going to kill me. I will never forget those eyes. This was not the first time I felt afraid of him, but this was the first of many times he put his hands on me.

I remember it was dark outside. When he let go of my neck I leaped across the room, ran downstairs, ran out the door, no phone, just started running in the pitch black as fast as I could down the dirt road. I couldn’t see, I came upon a ditch and I ducked and hid. I heard him swing the front door open and scream my name. He got on his car, I heard the loud engine rev, it felt like a split second until he found me. How did he find me. He grabbed me from the ground and threw me in the car. I was in shock. My body was frozen. He drove back to the ranch got out of the car, left me there, locked the doors. I looked outside, felt the darkness, realized I didn’t have my phone, realized I couldn’t escape, trying to make sense of what just happened. I felt that eerie feeling again. I felt like someone or something was watching me. I unlocked the car door and knocked on the front door for him to open it. I was so fucking scared. I felt so small and helpless. He opened the door, slammed it hard when I ran through, didn’t say a word, and went upstairs to go to sleep. I found a bottle of whiskey, and started chugging. I couldn’t bear to feel how I was feeling. I couldn’t believe what had happened. Couldn’t believe I let that happen. Couldn’t believe the situation I had gotten myself into. I was scared and angry. I drank and drank and drank. Now this is where the unexplainable part comes. I still don’t understand exactly what happened, it is fair to say this could have been an alcohol induced hallucination, but what happened afterwards is what still leaves me answerless to this day. I think I had blacked out, i had some how made my way to the dark den area that was off the kitchen. I was sitting on the floor, my legs criss crossed and I remember sitting around a warm fire. I remember there were familiar older people around me. I didn’t know who they were, but I did not feel fear. I remember smelling smoke really strongly.

All the sudden I come to, I’m sitting on the floor in the dark by myself, I come to awareness, to the sound of a blaring fire alarm. Raph runs down the stairs like a chicken with his head cut off. He looked so scared, and furious. It was 3 in the morning. He finally disabled the alarm. There was no smoke. There was no fire.

He went back to bed, we never spoke of it again. I will spare the details of the days and weeks following, but I stayed with him for a while longer. He’s long gone from my life now, he got in a terrible hit and run accident while traveling shortly after I left him..he’s still alive don’t worry, I believe in karma and my ancestors don’t play, so I feel the need to mention that. My dear friend flew on a plane to come rescue me, drove me and my cat to where I have called home the last 5 years. Where I have built safety within as well as with out. That story has stuck in my subconscious until right now, if you have made it this far, thank you for reading. Please know that at this point in my life I am so very healthy, and happy with a beautiful family, self love, self respect, made friends with my shadow during the process of immense shadow work, created healthy coping mechanisms and discovered an ability to hold all of the grief and joy in my heart and feel everything. Knowing that when things come up, it is time to be witnessed and released. I went through all that to be exactly where I am now. My gut tells me that it was not a hallucination but rather my ancestors trying to help me. This was before my spiritual remembering and being able to connect with my ancestors and angels. I have always been a highly sensitive person who overrode mostly every single sign, body sensation, message, and symbols..all the ways our guides and source can reach us I believe, but now I don’t. I listen, see and hear intently. I also have Pluto in Scorpio in my 12th house so I truly can see and feel the unseen.

That’s all for now,

Xoxo

Keeping myself anonymous

P.s

If you have any ideas of what the fuck happened in regards to the fire alarm, how that could have happened, lol please leave a comment or send a message, I am open to interpretations.

Below is some of my collage art, and one of my favorite forms of therapy. Enjoy.