Hello there dear reader. I hope this finds you well and staying cool, especially if it’s been as hot as it’s been here in Southern California.

At least the nights are starting to cool off. Thank you autumn.

Today’s affirmation: Today I’ll act in my best interests. I’ll do this with the understanding that my choices may not please everyone. I’ll do this with the understanding that asking if something is good for me will ultimately help me take responsibility for my life and choices.

I’ve been working on fumes lately while also realizing there’s gotta be a better way to manage. I know it’s obvious but I certainly don’t have unlimited reserves of energy to burn, even though sometimes I wish I did.

The older I get the more I know how true this really is.

Meditating on choices. It’s all choices. Intention and then putting that into action. Hopefully learning as you go and making better decisions whilst doing so.

It probably comes easier to some, but to me time management and execution has always been a lite little challenge. I’m not even sure if it’s the management part so much as priorities and getting them mixed up.

So I’m trying to change that, actively.

Asking myself more often how I want to use my time.

Someone asked me recently what I do for a living and I said music.

When asked for more specifics I said:

I’m a musician, singer, songwriter, artist, guitarist, producer, and teacher that juggles playing for other artists as a “hired gun” along with “background gigs” + lessons/session work, as well as my own music and that I’m working on transitioning to focus more on growing my audience so I can tour under my own name, which I haven’t done since before covid.

Maybe not the best for a LinkedIn profile but it’s honest.

Resonated with this passage recently from The Language Of Letting Go.

When we’re soul-searching, be it for the smaller or larger decisions we face, we learn to ask: Is this good for me? Is this what I really want? Is this what I need? Does this direction feel right? Or am I succumbing to the control and influence that I sometimes allow others to have over me?

It’s not selfish to question if something is good for us. That’s an old way of thinking. To ask if something is good for us is a healthy behavior, not one to be ashamed of.

Asking ourselves this simple question doesn’t mean we’re wandering down a path of self-indulgence. It means we’re participating in directing our lives toward the highest good and purpose. We are expressing our power to hold ourselves in esteem.

I hope your September was good. October is officially here along with me having to break the news again that I still don’t like dressing up for All Hallows Eve.

But if you’ve got some low maintenance costume ideas, I’m all ears.

For now I’d like to leave you with a new song. A quick voice memo demo but with a slightly better microphone. I’ve been writing a lot this past year, thanks in part to school of song.

Demoing more again as well, trying out some new simple mic methods. I know my own tricks and if I don’t have a simple plug and play system, procrastination can take over fast.

Excited to share these works in progress with you. Likely moving forward it’ll be to the paid subscriber tier but for today I wanted to share with everyone.

That’s always an option though if ever curious.

I’m also going to start putting up some more guitar/music lessons again. I’ve been struggling for a while now with how to format them for Substack but I think I’m just gonna go for it and figure it out along the way.

Here is that new song: Another Minute (working title)

Hope you enjoy and hope to catch up again soon.

Wishing y’all well out there. Lots of love.

Take care xoxo

~ JEC

Staring down my to do list but my mind is wandering around, freshly caffeinated.

Debating whether I make another cup of coffee. I’ve cut back a bit. It’s helped with singing, go figure.

Anyone else out there familiar with the perplexities of procrastination and ADHD?

Currently feeling wired.

I had this idea for a lyric the other day..it could make a good tune.

These days my life feels like a drive by sighting motivated by something but the destinations nothing

Grateful for all the new songs lately, need to finish a few and demo. I’d like to start working on a new record soon. I think I’ve got the outline. The last batch of recordings though with my friend Grey Bear need to be finished. Maybe I can do both things at once? I appreciate the feedback on the little new video voice memo of a song I posted on here the last time, thank you for that.

Anyhow, hello out there in internet land. Thank you friends for tuning in once again. I hope this finds you well and that you’re surviving this current heatwave.

I stumbled across an old journal entry yesterday after therapy that had some little nuggets about motivation and letting go. I’m pretty sure I was riffing off of something I saw on the internet, as it happens sometimes. I thought it would be worth sharing though, if for no other reason than it won’t get lost into the journal entry black hole again and it resonated with me in that moment. Maybe it will for you too.

1. Not everyone will like you, that’s not a problem

2. Ready is a myth, start messy, start scared, start anyway

3. Your health isn’t negotiable, what you do counts, your body keeps the score

4. Stop comparing yourself

5. Integrity is everything

6. Nobody thinks about you as much as you think

7. Have the hard conversations now, avoidance is expensive

That reminds me I picked up this book recently called the Language Of Letting Go, by: Melody Beattie. Author of Codependent No More.

It’s a book on daily meditations regarding Codependency. So far I’ve found it to be a good reminder of things I’ve been working on for years.

Today’s affirmation:

I’ll stop trying to figure everything out. If clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in retrospect. I will put simple trust in the truth that all is well, events are unfolding as they should,, and all will work out for good in my life — better that I can imagine.

Feels pertinent.

Thank you to everyone who reached out with friendly well wishes and such regarding my hand health situation. Truly means a lot.

I did indeed get it checked out again last week. The good news is after doing new X-rays and all, my thumb hasn’t moved that much more, and considering how much playing and all that I do - this is really good to know and motivating. While it is still an intimidating prospect and the idea of getting surgery still kind of scares the shit outta me, I feel much better about this option after the last conversation I had with Dr. Rives. He’ll likely be the one performing the operation. I had a ton of additional questions he patiently answered and he even gave me some additional information that was really helpful.

For one thing, what I have is a subluxation of the thumb, which is just a fancy way of saying a dislocated thumb. It’s been that way for twenty years, and if I continue to do nothing about it, it will lead to a more pronounced basal joint arthritic situation and a more intense surgery down the line. When my hand broke initially twenty years ago I didn’t get it properly fixed, so it healed in a way where the joint instability was only held together by the muscle and overall strength of my hand. So if you think of the bottom of your thumb and where it joins the wrist, it’s floating out and down from where it should be sitting. The CMC joint, as it’s often called. This is what causes the pressure, pain and discomfort I’ve experienced for a long time, and till now, have stubbornly powered through.

The solution is what’s called an Eaton Joint Stabilization. Where they take part of your tendon from your forearm and essentially wrap the thumb and cinch it back into place, creating in essence a new ligament that should provide good stability and support for many more years to come. It’s a common surgery with athletes, which gives me some calm and peace weighing my situation. The other silver lining is it will very likely reverse the basal joint arthritis issues and potentially nix needing to get a bigger surgery down the line. It’s just as much a corrective procedure as it is preventative. God willing and the creek don’t rise.

I have one more appointment with another hand surgeon coming up soon, just to cover all of my bases. Getting a third opinion. The folks at the Musician Treatment Foundation were kind enough to help out. Very grateful for that.

As of now though my goal is to finish out this year gigging, recording and all and then first thing in January 2027, to get this “stabilization” done.

The recovery is going be the hardest part, I’m looking at three months of no guitar and likely six months before feeling relatively normal again and being able to get back into a more regular routine with playing, gigging etc.

Since this is what I do for a living, I’m going to have to get creative for income while I’m not able to use my hand. I likely can still teach, in a fashion. However I’m gonna keep weighing options, but just knowing that there is a path ahead gives me some direction and hope. I feel optimistic in a way that I haven’t for some time.

No matter what happens in the future, I’m trying to not say no out of fear or yes out of obligation.

Alright all, this is a shorter one today but I sure appreciate you being here and reading through.

Some quick housekeeping:

Sept 11th - Playing solo at SB Wine Collective in Santa Barbara, from 4-7pm

Sept 13th - Playing solo at Folk Revolt at The Good Nite in Los Angeles, 6pm

Sept 18th - Playing solo at The Leta in Goleta, 7-9pm

Sept 19th - Playing solo at 805 Charcuterie in Santa Maria, from 5-7pm

Sept 20th - Playing solo at Coquelicot in Los Olivos, from 2-5pm

Sept 26th - Playing guitar with Bradberri at The Lemon Festival, in Goleta, TBA

Sept 27th - Full band set at Woodstock in Woodstock, Artist Advocacy Foundation fundraiser in Santa Ynez, playing at 4:45pm

Wishing you all a good weekend and week ahead! Hope you’re staying cool out there in the real world.

Stay weird, stay free, be yourself and give love.

Talk soon and take care.

~ JEC

Song recommendation of the day - See You Later, I’m Gone by: Robert Lester Folsom

Book recommendation of the day - Abundance by: Ezra Klein and Derek Thompson

Coming off of a heavy work week again. Some hand updates, I’m going in to see Dr. Rives for an MRI, see what kind of cartilage I’ve got left in my CMC joint, wrist etc.

This will be a big factor on the “when” for surgery on my trick hand.

I’ve been wearing the brace the last hand doc gave me and honestly I think its had the opposite effect. Anecdotally, I had discomfort before but I could still do push ups, apply some pressure, now it hurts like hell in that hand to get through a set. Thankfully I can still get through a gig but it’s a little more sensitive than usual. Still lifting amps and my grip is there but there is a feeling setting in that is different. Trying to pay attention and track it as best I can. To not ignore anymore. Obviously now I’m giving the brace a rest. I’m curious if it just hurt do to the thumb being slightly out of place all these years but my hand has “healed” around it, or if its really an organic development.

Either way, that’s why I’m going in tomorrow.

I also had a meeting with the Musician Treatment Foundation, it sounds like I qualify for some help there. More details soon.

The full moon sure has been powerful this past week, at least it seems. Just looking up, quite a light it cast. Gravity is a powerful thing. I don’t follow astrology like I used to. A friend posted something recently though that I thought had some value, regarding the moon, vibes, energy, gravity etc...Take it or leave it but this is what was said:

• It’s the turning point you’ve been waiting for

• It’s about truth, release and realignment

• What falls away, makes space for what’s real

• It reveals how much has already changed beneath the surface

• It’s here to clear the way, you can finally step into what’s next

• It’s not the end, it’s the beginning

• This is your moment to choose alignment over what’s merely familiar

• The shift is already here

Maybe that’s helpful, maybe not but you can extrapolate from there.

Class with School of Song finished this past Sunday, the last assignment was turned in this past Tuesday for an online recital type thing. The idea being you had to share a work in progress that you had started during the workshop.

This is the one I shared on instagram this past week:

There are a couple more verses but I didn’t want to be a “punisher” and record something too long for the listener. Plus, still working out the words. Happy with the melody though, the hook needs a little love but that’s how the process goes.

Leonard Cohen said, I feel lucky if I get one good line a day. That about sums up my feelings as well.

Some highlights from class with Madison Cunningham, things I wrote down that stuck out to me and some material from the course

• Always giving a healthy positive affirmation during each lecture, especially since a lot of artists can have negative self-talk, this was very kind and helpful. She said: You’re talented, original, and have something important to say

• The class was broken down into four lectures and main themes:

  Demolition - Fear is more reliable than inspiration, Object writing, playfulness, persistence, perspective and patience

  Construction - Show and tell, saying the forbidden thing, tension builds dimension

  Renovation - Finding the pillars of your song, coming back from disappointment quicker, you’re closer than you think, it just takes longer than you’d like

  Decoration - Bringing your song to life, great decorators are great deciders, only you have to live in your house

• Can we think of being in the dark as a place of hope

• Finding balance and knowing when to pull back

• Sustainable process, finding your process recipe

• Using a timer, implementing a writing schedule, the importance of breaks

• Universal vs personal; One thought being anything that is important to you truly will matter to someone else

• Keeping a lyric graveyard

• Have a phase of “being lost”, of exploring

• Put creativity at the start of every day

• Song mobility, transferring colors not structure

• Keep on listening, be open, how do we say it better, tone matching

• Don’t build things cheaply, trust your intuition

• If you need to take a break, do it but make sure to come back

• Suffering and joy are always braided

• Don’t forget to breathe

• Try writing as someone else, a different point of view, a different perspective

• Good decoration already brings out the good structure you’ve built

• Keep the flow front and center

• Trust the process

• Don’t decorate for others, decorate for yourself

• Be in touch with whatever brings you joy

• Continue to work on leaving a loose thread

• Remember to start small, especially if you’re feeling a burden

• “I am” a songwriter, say this out loud

• Discourse and conversation

These are all things that will really stick with me, a lot of it is also affirming from the process I’ve worked on for myself for the craft of songwriting and art. Like with the Blake Mills class, you feel less like a crazy person when you hear other artists/musicians talk about their process and you can draw a clear line from that to your own. It helps build more of a healthy dialogue and growth mindset, hopefully it gives you drive or confidence to keep working at it.

Anyhow dear reader, thank you kindly for tuning in. Hope this past week has been decent enough and that life is treating you well. I always appreciate you tuning in!

Thank you also if you’re new here, I appreciate you stopping by.

My goal is to get Coffee and Chords with Cole up to 100+ subs by the end of the year, if you like what you’re reading and receiving on here, please consider subscribing, liking and sharing with a friend! The little ways in which this continues to grow are super helpful, especially with the very real potential of needing hand surgery and the ensuing recovery process afterwords. Regardless, thank you for helping this little corner of “music stack” to keep on growing! Truly grateful.

Signing off for now, more soon.

Take care till next time.

~ JEC

No one is going to go to bat for you but you, this is something I keep thinking about lately when dealing with needing a certain O2 sensor for my Nissan Versa in order to pass smog. It likely needs a full catalytic converter but the shop I took it to recommended starting with the sensor first.

That information was two weeks ago. Hadn’t heard anything about the part coming in since so I finally bugged them again yesterday, still nothing.

I went to pay a fix it ticket that I got last month, ran into a similar situation where I corrected the thing that needed correcting and was all set to pay then they shuffled me off downtown to the SB court to pay the fine there. I get to court fifteen minutes later and apparently the system is so backed up with traffic infractions that they haven’t even processed anything yet. This all would have been good to know.

Patience exists on another dimension that I don’t have access to.

While in line waiting to talk to the clerk, there is a man on the phone, talking kinda funny, wearing cowboy boots but wearing them weird, suit pants tucked into the boots, older gentleman. He has this massive office calendar along with files and files of scattered notes, random papers that all have to do with something like an idea but nothing at all. Likely customer of the day status for this poor clerk attending. It was painful to look at. Honestly it reminded me of some family and people I know, that’s probably what made it a little hard to witness. He seemed lost. It was similar to the mental health issues we can all face but dialed up quite a bit. Really felt for the guy. Caught one little thing he wrote out, ADHD. I thought that summed up certainly part of the story.

End up finally talking to the clerk and was given the go around again.

Its okay though, I worked the circus circuit, I know how to do a little song and dance.

Felt briefly like Adam Sandler in Anger Management, a scene ran through my head and I smiled to myself as I more or less threw my hands up.

I surrender.

It’s a funny thing trying to handle some responsibilities that you’ve been avoiding only to finally be doing something about and then hit wall after wall.

The system can drive you crazy if you let it.

On that note…

Howdy there dear reader, thank you once again for tuning in! I truly hope this finds you good, happy, healthy and well.

(or some combination of that)

I also wanted to thank you for all the kind words of encouragement regarding my old hand injury and navigating moving forward with likely some more conservative measures first but eventually surgery. I reached out to a music centered clinic called: Musician Treatment Foundation, they started in Austin Texas, but it looks like they have more of a nationwide reach now. Seems promising.

At this point I’d love to alleviate the discomfort and pressure my basal joint arthritis causes, regain full grip and pinch strength if that’s possible, not lose any of my picking technique and not have my hand ache or flare up, while also sustaining a productive career as a musician and professional guitarist. Hopefully that ain’t too much to ask. I’ve managed for a while now through changing my technique with my right hand, switching string gauges and picks, wearing a brace when resting. Dietary changes, not drinking alcohol, quitting cigs. I suppose there are plenty of good downstream effects for all of those things. Really, I just want to learn more about what options suit my particular situation best. Asking the universe and god for help on this one.

And to everyone reading along, thank you again. I’m very grateful for your care and concern.

You can find more about what the team at MTF do here if curious.

Musician Treatment Foundation

The past two weeks were the busiest I’ve been all year, so I’m happy to be logging onto Coffee and Chords to do a little catching up after briefly decompressing. Trying to get back into some kind of regular routine.

Currently I’m licking my wounds and recovering from what I call “Musical Whiplash”. Which is essentially going into a different genre and context musically for work almost every day. Heavy switching. New material, another artist, another set of tunes. All within a very short period of time. It’s both equal parts cramming like you would for finals and rewiring your brain constantly. It can really test you. Part of the trick to doing this kind of work is of course just to overall bring up your ability to adapt and improvise in multiple directions, but also (and most importantly) to not stress more than is necessary. Do the work but then let go.

I generally enjoy the challenge but I’m finding lately I just don’t have the energy afterwords to work on my own art/music, which is ultimately where my heart is these days. I’ve neglected my own growth in that regard for some time, and as I’ve written about before, I’m trying to change that - to reprioritize my creative output and energy.

Taking this class with Madison Cunningham also helps bring these frustrations into focus. The rub is being a working musician for a living, hired gun and all. It’s part and parcel to the job description. So figuring out how to balance what I need to do for work but what also doesn’t leave me feeling completely drained at the end of it all is the trick. Also sometimes if the opportunity is right, it’s better to say yes and figure it out later. However the standards for that are different for me now vs when I first started twenty some odd years ago.

In 2026 I’ve become much better at saying no to certain gigs. I think also just teaching more vs dividing my attention between multiple projects will help streamline everything. Less is more.

Also remembering the KISS method. Keep It Stupid Simple.

I feel my musicianship and growth as a songwriter have suffered lately due to this over-stretching.

This is partly why I said yes to the most recent School Of Song workshop with Madison. I haven’t had the time to lean into it as much as I’d like but I’m trying to do what I can with the time I do have. The lectures have been stellar and her perspective on work and management is certainly pertinent to my current situation.

She is very meticulous it seems on scheduling everything. Inspired by that, I’ve been dusting off my old day planer, which has been helpful to a certain degree.

Her process exercise: Playfulness, persistence, perspective and patience has really stuck with me. Working on making more “meaningful messes”. How tension builds dimension. Sustainability. Universal vs personal. The show and tell dynamic in song. Favorite Things from the Sound Of Music being a good example of “tell”. Saying the forbidden thing, how that is different than shock value. Keeping a lyric graveyard. Continuing to do object writing. Thinking of songwriting as translucent vs blue, the analogy being water and how we perceive it. Coming back from disappointment quicker.

“Disappointment is a necessary, and misunderstood mercy. The hidden underground of trust and generosity in a human life…a friend to transformation, a test of sincerity, and a catalyst for resilience.” - David Whyte, Consolations

Something else she really hits on is reminding the class of positive self talk. She has said this particular phrase now a few times.

“You’re talented, original, and have something important to say.”

Which reminds me of the old phrase - Make an enemy of Envy.

Envy can lead to cynicism and cynicism kills art.

Anyhow the class has been great, despite time constraints.

All of the hired gun work lately has been going good though, gigs and recording sessions have been smooth, despite feeling like butter spread thin over too much bread. Grateful for that.

Played recently with my friend Wesley’s band ‘The Only Ocean’ down in Highland Park. Reconnected with an old student I hadn’t seen in years, that was a highlight.

Did a recording a session at Parsonics Studio here in Santa Barbara for a newer country artist last week. It was my first time working there or with the producer Noah. Good crew and the session thankfully went smooth. A lot of spaghetti western lines and diamond chords. Beautiful studio, good live room. That was how we recorded the bulk of the tracks, playing off of each other. Definitely a favorite and preferred way to track. Since this group of players had never met before, it took a couple of takes to get warmed up but once we were in it - we started speaking the same language. Knocked out seven songs.

In prepping for a session I’m always thinking of what things to add, feel, hooks, tones and what the artist is after, however I always forget initially that when live tracking with bass and drums it is always best to keep things simple. Usually the engineer or producer will have you overdub the extra window dressing once we get a good rhythm foundation down.

It was really cool working at Alan Parson’s spot, certainly a larger than life figure and has the resume to back it up. He came by at the start of the session to check in and what not. Later on, while tracking the guitar overdubs and solos I look up and he’s there hanging in the control room listening to the takes, he ends up staying for the duration. Afterwords we get to talking a little, shake hands, he said some kind things and seemed to enjoy the tones, it certainly meant a lot coming from the guy who produced Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon as well as the guy who worked with one of my all time favorite guitarists, David Gilmour.

Another highlight of this session was also working with Randy Tico who is another session player in the area, amazing bass player. I’d known his name for years but we hadn’t had the opportunity to work together til last week, grateful for that connection. Wonderful player and feel. Having someone that seasoned in a session where we are just turning and burning is extremely valuable. Hope to work with him again.

I brought two tele’s and my studio board, along with my vintage Fender Vibrolux, they said a country session so I tried to tailor my tones in that direction. The amp unfortunately was being temperamental, as vintage amps tend to do, we ended up using the in house Princeton and that worked out just fine. I was also running into some small intonation issues, that was a little embarrassing but for the most part I was able to wrangle the guitars where they needed to be. I haven’t taken my guitars in for their seasonal tune up, so that’s on me. The summer weather has been rough on instruments this year.

Considering finding a cheaper telecaster to Frankenstein out a bit, though that is a dangerous thing, the proposition of finding another guitar. Likely a red flag. Best to avoid. Maybe I’ll hit up that new music store here in SB.

Played a fun local show at Fox Wine Co this past weekend, that was a highlight. I did actually play my own music, my friend Jess Bush was kind enough to cruise up from Ventura to sit in on keys and vocals. Very grateful. Played some new songs and “works in progress”. Some things I’ve written for this Madison Cunningham workshop. Also played guitar with Bradberri and jammed on some newer songs of hers with what feels like a more honest and focused direction that I think really has something to it. Alice Osian also played a lovely set, always a pleasure hearing her expansive haunting tunes and voice.

I think I’ll wrap it up for this week’s edition.

Thank you kindly again for the tuning in, it’s been a privilege to have y’all here, and to see this little corner of Substack continue to grow.

Speaking of which, a quick and warm shout out to Raul from Live Notes SB for mentioning Coffee and Chords with Cole recently in his newsletter The Notepad. He does a lot for the local music scene here in the 805, a true lover and supporter of all the artists and musicians out here slogging away. You can find out more about what he does at his website here (linked below), it’s also a killer resource to just see what’s going on in the area. I definitely encourage you to check it out.

Live Notes SB

Some quick housekeeping:

August 21st - Playing solo at Pali Wine in SB (Funk Zone) from 5-8pm

August 22nd - Playing solo at SB Wine Collective from 3-6pm

August 22nd (later) - Playing one more solo set at Caya in Goleta from 7-9pm

August 29th - Playing guitar with Bradberri at Presido, I believe at 1pm

September 4th - Playing solo at The Local in Valencia from 7-10pm

September 6th - Playing a solo set at The Roxy in San Diego, along with Brianna Grace, from 5-8pm

Hope your week has been good so far and I hope to see you out in the real world one of these days. Sending love out there, thank you again and I hope to talk soon.

~ JEC

Song recommendation of the day - Don’t Give a Damn by: Slow Leaves

Book recommendation of the day - The Hero With A Thousand Faces by: Joseph Campbell

Some things are better left alone and others, though you may wish the opposite with all your will, are better to address and understand. Not ignore.

If I inherited my stubbornness from my mom and dad, my ability to “power through” almost anything was certainly a gift from my mom. One of the strongest people I’ve even known, and I mean this as a positive and also as a caution. She is, was and always will be an inspiration. However sometimes this internal strength can lead to some less than ideal outcomes.

Just because you can carry a weight on your shoulders, doesn’t always mean you need to or should. A lesson I’m still learning, but listening more to now.

So hello again dearest friends, thank you for tuning in. Wishing you a good and gentle morning if that’s when you find yourself in these words.

Another late night writing session born out of the promise of the day. I feel asleep writing and am now coming back after a few hours.

Thank you to the recent subscribers as well, I truly appreciate everyone who is sharing this little space with me. If you like what you read, please do share with a friend. Working on continuing to grow and your support really helps to make that happen.

Certainly doing my share of contemplation and reflection. Maybe took a bigger bite this month then I can chew but I’ve got a car that needs fixing and other obligations that are obligating.

I’ve got one speeding ticket that turned into an updating your address ticket. Then my registration is only partly done, paid for but I need to do some repairs before my wheels will pass smog. Waiting on parts now. Rolling the dice.

I’m sure to which end you can all relate on some level.

A little disappointed in myself though because I’m blowing past some personal boundaries as a side effect of chewing on more than I can. Time management and space. Doing my best to keep my values intact and maintain my intention. Ironically in speaking of not carrying more “weight” on ones shoulders.

One thing though I’ve been more consistent on is walking/jogging lately. I haven’t had this kind of routine in years, it feels good and grounding.

Feeling more like myself these days. A newer model perhaps, hopefully an upgrade and not the discount dime store version. I don’t feel caught up or stuck in the past as much as I used to be, which is different for me..so it’s a little like meeting myself for the first time again. It feels like there is some realignment happening.

A last minute split second type thing but currently I’m enrolled in a workshop through School Of Song with Madison Cunningham. One lecture in and it’s already been quite informative and enriching. Was hesitant due to financials however I’m glad I decided to do it. Needed to do something like this for myself. They do good work, worth checking out. I’ll leave the link here if curious.

School Of Song

The homework this week is:

1. Play. Incorporate play into your daily routine and prioritize it as an important part of the songwriting process. Your play must be sustainable.

2. 10-minute Object Writing. Object writing is an exercise for lyrical songwritng created by: Pat Pattison, which involves writing for ten minutes about a particular object, using whatever free-associative sensory images that come to mind.

3. Write a song. Once we write something, we upload to their jukebox platform that allows all the participants to share their works, listen, comment and interact.

Today’s subject - Lime

To give you an idea of what this can be, I’ll share with you what I wrote this morning. The additional caveat is to write first thing when you wake up, before coffee and all.

Sour, sweet, taco treat, tasty sauces, delicious meat, wordless choices from the street, marriage only leads to defeat. Loveless, gutless, hunger pains, mind ain’t changing, no fooling or shame. Wander lover older game, meeting cover identity blamed. Feeling lonely or depressed, family struggles left a mess. Rough and ready, rowdy ways, melody humming has a part to play. Younger than I should be for how old my body seems. Hair standing up on my skin, cold kiss from the world within. You don’t need what you think you do, just let go and let life choose. Swearing its only what you didn’t do, plane ripping through the sky, someone’s still leaving you. Gutless spineless in your room, lost to a station that nothing proves. You can hide but there’s no hiding from the truth, instead keep trying to grow and move.

While writing, you’re really trying to pay attention to all of your senses. Sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste. As well as some I hadn’t heard of before, the Organic Sense (any inner bodily functions, heartbeat, pulse, muscle tension, breathing) and Kinesthetic Sense (the sense of your body in relation to the world). That all tracks though. This gratitude exercise I’ve been doing more regularly since finishing The New Codependency does a similar thing.

When the 10-minute timer is up, you step away. Take a break. The point is to intentionally leave a loose thread.

It’s been a good practice so far. I’m enjoying the free writing concepts and something else she said towards the end of the first class; No rules, just tools.

When I was a teenager I used to bike all the time, like a lot of kids. Running errands. Finding secret spots hidden away from the street. Riding to broken houses and haunted forests. Coffee shops and train tracks. There was a freedom and majesty there pedaling all over the little town I grew up in. I probably rode faster than I should have but I prided myself in being able to deduce an environment quickly. I was always good at dodging obstacles, traffic, animals, people, whatever I needed to do to be aware of my surroundings while hauling ass on that ten speed. No helmet, maybe a bike light? Certainly a little more than a little reckless.

One particular day I was trying to beat traffic and took a “short cut” on the sidewalk. I hit a bit of pavement that was protruding and angled in such a way that it caught my front tire dead to rights and before I knew it I went flying. Thankfully I didn’t land on my head but I did land on my right hand. Thumb and wrist. Palms out to break the fall. Adrenaline kicked in and I picked myself up after a few minutes of taking in what had just happened. The hand that broke the fall felt stiff and tender, a little swollen but I didn’t think much of it, other than - it will need some ice. I shook it off and walked my now busted bike a couple miles back home.

By this point I’d already been playing guitar for a number of years, I started when I was 10 and I was really starting to go deep. It meant everything to me. It was the way I related to the world through the instrument. How I could communicate easier. How I stayed connected and grounded. How I processed more difficult things. Trauma. Not fitting in. Growing up in a unique way. I was playing in local bands, jamming with friends, family, strangers, playing in bars with much older musicians, learning from every experience as best I could. I was open and curious. I knew at this point all I wanted to do was make music. How to make that happen was another thing, and how to make a living at it is frankly a journey I’m still on. Ebbs and flows. I had a hard time connecting with people. I was shy and introverted, but I knew sort of how to play along to get along. Ironically I have always enjoyed performing, so there is some duality and tension inherently going on there as well. Through guitar I was starting to meet people and form relationships/friendships that I still have to this day. It was like this little club of like-minded weirdos and outcasts but we all spoke the same language, or at least we were all trying to. Very grateful for that. Always will be.

It wasn’t long after this accident that I realized my hand wasn’t healing like it should. I told my folks about it but they said to just give it another week or two and keep on icing it. I thought maybe I should go to the doctor, have a professional check it out? We didn’t have insurance though, so every doctor’s appointment, dentist visit and such, was always out of pocket. So there was this perceived pressure on my end, due to financial difficulties, that I needed to be sure that going in to get my hand checked out was the move. I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass or burden, so I tried to ignore it till it got to the point where I couldn’t anymore.

A month (or maybe two) later - after it was clearly not getting any better - we went to urgent care and got some X-rays done. They immediately saw that it was broken at the basal joint and wrist, but since I had waited a chunk of time it was already healing in kind of a unique way. The doctor gave me a list of options, one involved getting it re-broken again and then properly set, another was to go to a hand surgeon, and the third option was to just stay off of it, wear a brace and let it heal on its own, but keep in mind I would likely have premature arthritis. Since that seemed like the path of least resistance, and at 17 I was basically still a kid, that’s the option I went with.

I remember telling the in house doctor that I was a guitar player and asked when I could get back to playing more regularly, he seemed to think movement and playing would encourage healing. I regret not at least going to see a hand surgeon though, and getting more information. As they say, knowledge is power. There are so many questions I had but I didn’t want to be in the way or cause more financial hardship for my family than was needed. However I still very much wrestle with some resentment over my parents not pushing that decision more or encouraging exploring more clinical options. I saw a chiropractor though, where they did some red light laser therapy to help stimulate growth and whatever…Not sure if it really did anything but it was something. I did see a physical therapist as well for a little, grateful for that. Got a brace from the drugstore and didn’t play guitar for a couple months.

When I started playing again, it was like my right hand was grinding gears. I could feel that the bone was basically touching bone. No cartilage, which the doctor had confirmed, just scar tissue and my determination to play guitar. I had youth on my side and it eventually became a dull pain that would sometimes act up and become sharper, in which case I would give it a rest. I just learned to live with it, even though the pain never entirely went away. A pressure between where my thumb joins the wrist is a good way to describe it. Had to learn to hold a guitar pick again. I worked hard to get some kind of technique with that hand. Practicing certain things seemed to help, chromatics and country blues type finger picking as examples. I think it encouraged blood flow, circulation and hopefully some healing.

However this was the new norm.

By 18 I had adjusted to this change and did my best to keep working on my playing while maintaining a healthy enough balance. I’ve tried since to not let it hold me back but sometimes you succumb to the temptation of feeling bad for yourself, since there are some limitations and you’re trying to deal with the cards you’ve been dealt as best you can. I’ve wondered for years what the upper ends of my ability is capped at due to this injury, or if its really incremental percentages only. I’m aware that my body almost automatically started playing more legato phrases and my picking angle changed. The dull pressure and some physical limitations are still there.

I must also confess my fear around how more information at that time was intimidating. The thing that scared me the most was being told I couldn’t play guitar anymore, or worse that I just physically couldn’t do it. I’d found something that I could really be myself with and that I still considered a good friend and the thought of that being pulled away was more than my little brain could handle. You’d think with that information I’d want to go explore more options but this was not what was cultivated at home so instead it caused a lot of anxiety and stress.

As I got older these feelings of fear compressed over time and I kept “powering through” and avoiding taking myself to see a hand surgeon. It was definitely something I learned from my folks, handle it yourself if you can. While that’s good for a lot, there are some things you absolutely want to see an expert about. I had to create new habits, re-program neural pathways and come to understanding a healthier way of handling things over time. With age and experience I finally came around to not being so avoidant, however it’s almost embarrassing how long it took me to finally get there, well into my thirties.

I was doing it though, facing that fear and doing it on my own.

Over the past five years I’ve started to address this old injury and hand health in general. The first step was talking to my last PCP about it, he did a surface level check and recommended that I hold off on surgery but encouraged seeing a hand surgeon.

Happy to report I’ve seen two hand surgeons since and I have more information regarding exactly what it is I’m dealing with. Basal Joint Arthritis and my wrist is compacted and compressed. The long term correction for this is in fact surgery. This is something folks usually twice my age deal with but the upside is I have some options. They said I’m in a position right now given my age to where I can wait on the bigger surgery and opt for topical solutions, or do a smaller out patient operation where they clip the nerve for starters. They were pretty frank though in telling me while they are confident that the larger corrective would help with the pressure and pain, they aren’t sure what it would do for my musical ability.

The information though as a whole is encouraging. I’m seeking out hand surgeons now who have more experience with professional musicians, and coincidentally I heard about one through the last School Of Song workshop I took with Blake Mills.

Also finding out during that class that both Blake Mills and Julian Lage have had to deal with hand injuries is helpful in its own way as well.

Hand health and musician health is not something that’s talked about enough.

I still deal with daily pressure in my hand, the pain and aching comes and goes. As it has for years. I manage it now though armed with more information and while there is still some fear there, I feel more confident that I’m going in the right direction. More calm as I’m taking care of myself in a way I haven’t before.

Thank you so much folks for sticking around and hearing my story.

If you have something you’ve been avoiding, please take it from me, take the small steps to start dealing with whatever it is you’re dealing with now. It doesn’t have to be much but it’s better than nothing.

Some quick housekeeping:

August 8th - Playing a solo set at 805 Charcuterie in Santa Maria from 4-7pm

August 9th - Playing bass with The Only Ocean at Oblivion in Los Angeles, 7pm

August 10th - Giving guitar lessons at SoHo Music Club for Frick N’ Frack Community night, 6pm

August 13th - Playing guitar with Dante Elephante in Los Angeles

August 14th - Playing solo at SB Wine Collective in Santa Barbara from 4-7pm

August 15th - Playing a solo set at Fox Wine Co. in Santa Barbara, along with Bradberri and Alice Osian, music at 6:30pm

August 16th - Playing a solo set at Montemar Wine in Lompoc, 12:30-3:30pm

August 18th - Playing guitar with Bradberri at SoHo Music Club, more bands as well

August 22nd - Playing solo at The Leta in Goleta from 7-9pm

Hope your week has been good so far and maybe see you out in the real world one of these days. Wishing well. Thank you kindly again and I hope to talk soon.

~ JEC

Song recommendation of the day - Don’t Let Me Wait Too Long by: George Harrison

Book recommendation of the day - Cruel Shoes by: Steve Martin

Hello again friends. Salutations and all.

Currently I’m ruminating on the meaning of life. Direction and such. I guess nothing new there. I’m picking up and putting down my phone every five seconds. The television is playing in the living room, however no one is watching. Most likely the case that the other fella who lives here turned it on but then disappeared into something else. He has a habit of starting things and then walking away, or having several things going on at the same time while talking on the phone. A slightly chaotic multi tasking type situation. A walking exemplar of ADHD. The doors are left open and the lights are left on in this house. Unless I’m home. Something I’ve just become accustomed to at this point. It’s a quiet enough little neighborhood to where it ain’t worth the worry.

I’m sure I have some of that funny attention deficit disorder as well, for example my hearing is pretty sensitive and usually drifts to whatever sounds are happening, especially if there is anything frequency wise that comes close to resembling a melody or rhythmic movement..music going on in the background is very hard for me to not focus in on. My therapist thinks I have synesthesia but I’m not convinced.

Truly though I wonder how much ADHD has proliferated due to the widespread usage of social media and its impact/effects on our ability to focus. The engagement based, addictive based business model has some pretty nasty downstream effects. Everything from rage-baiting, to information retention, to echo-chambers and the dangerous profit motive behind a lot of algorithmic distortion, to being siloed off, to exploiting preexisting biases, to turning the individual into the product when they think they are just a simple consumer. Hooking us on dopamine hit after dopamine hit. I would deem it overall a very negative influence, and apparently most major studies who’ve been studying the impact of social media now on society, people and cognitive function for some time, are coming to these conclusions as well.

In my humble opinion, I think social media and these damn algorithms are the 21st century’s version of big tobacco.

I would refer you to works by Jonathan Haidt for reference. He might have been ahead of the curve on research and talking about it but a lot of other respected minds and research teams have similar thoughts on the matter now. Another person doing good work in this field is Tristan Harris, he may be one of the best voices out there right now talking about this very thing, as well as the big red caution sign around AI. I would encourage you to check out the Center for Humane Technology, which he co-founded.

CHT Link here

Now I’m staring at a container of “Real-Fruit” Infused CBD Gummies wondering how the supposedly huckleberry flavor holds up. Though tonight chamomile tea and a room temperature Spindrift are more my speed.

Read a couple things earlier that resonated with my general mood.

I just need one tiny thing to go right early in the day and I can make it. One clean mug versus the wolves. Sometimes I get to the end of the day and I think I’ve done nothing. But I made a whole day by being alive. Each day I have to trick myself from scratch. Today I opened then closed my front door so life thought I did something. Most “find themselves” on an overseas trip, but the hardest thing to do is find yourself in the mundane mess of the morning’s bathroom mirror. That’s where the true shit, the real courage, comes from.

Anyhow I hope this finds you better than well or well enough depending on your week so far…Mine has been a little disorganized, if you couldn’t tell. Not bad though. Just a harder time than usual focusing. Wishing you better luck.

A fun experience to report; My friend, and old student, invited me last week to see Willie Nelson at the Mid-State Fair in Paso Robles, he is definitely a bucket list artist and at 93 years old, quite inspiring to see and hear. He does reflect his age and the band really helps carry things along but he is still up there doing the damn thing. Still writing new tunes and performing them. One song in particular about being the last leaf on the tree was particularly special. Also seeing the audience reactions, from a passive listener to several people having a full on religious experience. It was moving and fascinating. The way the music hit everyone at this show differently was really something. The power of an artist being the soundtrack to a lot of moments in someone’s life is quite extraordinary. The music made for their own lifetime movie.

It got me thinking about my own career, where it’s been idling and where it’s going next. More importantly where I’d like it to go next.

Carl Jung said life really begins at 40. Since I’m closer to that decade than 30, what Jung said hit me like a ton of bricks. It is normal to feel like you’ve lost yourself somewhere inside a life that no longer fits who you’ve become. Often this is the beginning of a new stage of life. Jung thought up until 40, you are just doing research. Those years were prepping you; laying the foundation for something that hadn’t even begun yet. During the early years many people build their careers or start families. Jung referred to this as the persona. The “mask” that allows an individual to interact within a society of which they inherited rather than chose. But a persona is necessary. Without it, people would never learn to discipline themselves, or to stand on their own against others. However it was never meant to be your whole identity. Somewhere in the middle of life, the persona starts to feel too confining. People stop recognizing themselves in the role everyone knows them by. Jung called what happens next “individuation”. Individuation is the lifelong process of becoming whole by integrating parts of yourself that have been ignored or left unconscious.

“Thoroughly unprepared, we take the step into the afternoon of life. What was great in the morning will be little at evening, and what was true in the morning will have become a lie.”

Hopefully this is when your real story can begin.

The morning after the Willie Nelson show I wrote a song, it kind of tumbled out. Always grateful when that happens. It’s kind of like you didn’t write it, it’s more like you found it. I’ll share it here. It came from the on going feeling and action of working hard but it never feeling like anything is quite enough. Especially given the current state of the internet, social media and all. Have you ever heard of the Dead Internet Theory? Worth checking out when you can.

Here are the words as they stand right now…

 Quick tangent. Social media wants artists to be polite, agreeable, and instantly digestible. Art is generally none of those things. Art was never supposed to be about making everyone like you. It was never supposed to be polite. The real question is, how do you survive while refusing to behave? Art has always belonged to the weird introvert. In art the stranger you are the better your chances of discovering something no one else can see. The great Charlie Parker understood that you had to communicate with people, but he never confused communication with conformity. Art seems to have become a popularity contest. That’s completely different from making something that speaks to humanity. One chases applause. The other expands consciousness. The purpose of art isn’t to confirm what people already know, it’s to create new forms of understanding and communication. Seeing and looking for beauty and truth. If it isn’t risking confusion, it probably isn’t risking very much. That’s why I tend to be suspicious of any artist who becomes universally popular overnight. Great art isn’t always immediately understood, seen or heard. But people should immediately sense that something important is happening, even if they can’t explain why. We are being trained to consume art the same way we consume everything else: swipe, judge, forget. You can’t experience a profound painting, scroll past a dog wearing sunglasses, watch a political meltdown, and then expect your imagination to emerge untouched.

Alright I’m starting to drift off. Wishing the best of things to you and thank you kindly for tuning in.

Some quick housekeeping.

I’ve got some mellow gigs coming up, if you find yourself in Southern California:

August 1st, playing a solo set at Coquelicot in Los Olivos from 2-5pm

August 8th, playing solo at 805 Charcuterie in Santa Maria from 4-7pm

August 9th, playing bass with The Only Ocean at Oblivion in Los Angeles, 7pm

August 14th, playing solo at SB Wine Collective in Santa Barbara, from 4-7pm

August 15th, playing a solo set at Fox Wine in Santa Barbara, along with Bradberri and Jamie Drake sharing the bill, music at 6pm

August 16th, playing solo at Republic Of Pie in Los Angeles, music at 6pm

August 18th, playing guitar with Bradberri at Soho in Santa Barbara, music at 7pm

August 22nd, playing solo at The Leta, from 7-9pm

I suppose that’s all for now. Will update my gig calendar as the month unfolds. Also a reminder to myself, I need to get my website up and running again..

Cheers and sending out love.

~ JEC

Song recommendation of the day: Perelandra by: Brendan Willing James

Perelandra

Book recommendation of the day: Ask The Dust by: John Fante

Hello there friends,

Wishing well to you on this hotter than average mid July morning from southern California. The house I’m currently living in holds heat in an uncanny way. Every year I’m here, it never ceases to amaze. As I’m typing I’m also looking up fans and other potential air conditioning solutions.

First off, I wanted to express gratitude to everyone who has recently subscribed. Thank you kindly for supporting Coffee & Chords with Cole. I truly appreciate it. I also really appreciate those who’ve liked this little corner of the internet enough to share with a family member or a friend, that little bit of care goes a long way. More on that later, but for now I’ll just say as I’m working on building some evergreen ideas, I’m hopeful that Substack can play a little part in helping to make some of these things more of a reality.

(I’d love to record, release new music and tour more frequently but not just as a hired gun. I’d love to build off of the groundwork already laid and see where that possibility leads…Truly figuring out how to manifest this dream though when resources are as slim as they are is a challenge, to which I’m no stranger, the struggle is real, but with every challenge there is a solution, it’s just taking the time to figure it out. Keeping your head and continuing to be open, focused and creative.)

I also wanted to thank you for the lovely comments from the previous post, the heartfelt response really meant a lot. I’m feeling encouraged to continue sharing things that I sometimes hesitate to and in times past, shy away from. I’m slowly learning the value of opening up in different ways as I continue to age up. Not just hiding behind my guitar.

Slowly but surely.

Lastly - many many thanks from the bottom of my heart - it’s been quite encouraging and uplifting as well, the number of folks that have actually bought a digital copy of Delicate Demos Vol. 1 since its release back in June. Bandcamp does take a small percentage of every sale but for now it’s a much more holistic option that benefits an independent artist, such as myself, way more up front vs what I call the “shark streaming” services such as Spotify and the like. Which at their best, essentially act as rather hollow billboard advertising, lining the clogged highways of a vacant and bum system that promotes poorer audio quality and further homogeneous noise amongst other things. A convenience that in the end isn’t actually that convenient. Then there is AI, which from where I’m standing, ain’t doing anybody any favors.

So that more direct support is very precious and a gift. It means putting gas in the car. It means buying groceries. It means getting to the next gig. It means maybe having something extra to put towards recording. It makes it possible that if it’s been a slow season your music is truly helping you survive. It means people still believing in people. People believing in the value of what you’re doing. The human element. The tangible. It gives me a kind of positive energy and soft hope, not expecting anything just a thought of peace and like maybe there will be a day after tomorrow.

Extending gratitude though to all the folks that have streamed the new album as well. While I might not agree with the distribution and business of the modern music ecosystem, we do the best we can and I do appreciate all forms of support. That means and counts for something. As an artist you want your music out there and I truly am very grateful that you’d give my songs some consideration.

I talked in my last communiqué about this new volume and a bit about the background. I thought it would be nice to share some behind the scenes pictures and memories from different places and times that were involved in recording this material.

For example the above black and white photo was taken in 2012 during the first Saint Anne’s Place sessions with Grey Bear Erickson in Buellton, CA. Not long after we met. Grey Bear is a longtime friend, talented musician and collaborator. SAP was a band with my brother Samuel Cole and Cousin Joel Martin. A blues psychedelic indie rock outfit. We used to play all the time, a lot of ‘firsts’ were with that band. It will always hold special significance and a warm place in my mind. We still play on the rare occasion but as with a lot of things in life, we’re all in different places now, so it happens when the stars align. If curious you can find some of those older songs here:

Saint Anne’s Place

Now none of the recordings on this new album are from that time but from a little after when things started to change a bit. I was starting to branch out with writing and was wanting to try some different ideas..reflective of where I was at the time, separating from my then wife and subsequently getting a divorce. To also add some more context this happened after her father passed away from a hard fought four year battle with cancer. He was also a working musician and someone who had personal struggles but overcame them to the best of his ability, I really admired and looked up to him. I’m grateful to still be close with her family on some level. They are a very special and kind bunch. Collectively everyone had really been through it and it took its toll. I ended up having a nervous breakdown at one point, not having the tools at that time to deal with the weight of it all and also trying to shoulder the burden beyond what I was capable of. Trying to be everything for everyone. As anyone who can tell you who’s been through that kind of process, marriage, death, divorce, it certainly was no picnic. Music was a constant though, even with Saint Anne’s Place changing, we still played all the time. There are quite a few songs on this record where if you hear drums it’s likely my brother Samuel, and if you hear bass it’s likely my cousin Joel.

This newest album in a way reflects the last decade plus of life, love and loss, ending a chapter in my life and making way for whatever comes next. There are two more records in the works that will include more songs from that time but also some newer material I’m excited to finish and share with you, hopefully sooner than later.

Delicate Demos is a volume of ideas, sketches, demos and unfinished works. A time capsule of sorts. A lot of these songs were recorded at different places I’ve lived over the years. Recorded on everything from an iRig into my iPad with nothing but a Shure 57 and garage band…to a digital Tascam Portastudio…to a Tascam four track…some at Certain Sparks Music in Lompoc, some with Grey Bear Erickson in Buellton, one in Big Sur from my phone when I was fighting off a cold. Another from a rehearsal on my phone while we were running songs in my garage prepping for a show. It is very much a collection of various sounds and stories, an eclectic mix with varying degrees of quality. I’m very grateful to everyone who’s played with me over the years and helped bring this music to life at one time or another. Hopefully this music brings you joy, perspective, comfort or whatever you need wherever this may find you.

Thank you for going down memory lane with me. Grateful.

In case you missed it as well, here is the link to Delicate Demos Vol. 1

Delicate Demos Vol. 1

I truly appreciate all the support so far, and if you haven’t heard it yet you can find in most places if you look up Jacob Edward Cole.

Like I said earlier, I’m currently trying to figure out how to fund and finish this current batch of recordings I’m sitting on, open to suggestions but in the meantime any shares and subscriptions via this platform really helps.

Not sure if a GoFundMe or something is appropriate but weighing different options.

In the meantime I need to head to a therapy session, it’s been a few weeks. Then teaching some guitar lessons and then heading up north to Paso Robles to see Willie Nelson. My friend Jack invited me last minute, it’s definitely a bucket list type show.

I’ve got a gig coming up this weekend for anyone around the Santa Barbara area, playing a mellow solo set at SB Wine Collective from 4-7pm.

Trying to think of anything else housekeeping wise but I think I’ll just say stay cool out there, it’s gonna be another hot one.

Really appreciate you reading, thank you for your time and for tuning in.

Take care.

~ JEC

Hello again dear reader,

I hope this finds you more than halfway decent. As usual I’ve been trying to find a good work/life balance. My perspective is starting to shift though from my storied, or taxing, people pleasing background to a different mindset. It’s unfortunately a painfully slow adjustment period that requires space, intention and patience.

Seeing Alive Phoebe Lou talk about being a recovering people pleaser gave me some solace. It is a daily struggle. Might not seem like that big of a deal but half jokingly, it almost feels like a chronic illness you’re constantly dealing with.

My therapist says it just takes time, practice and connecting new neural pathways.

I hope she’s right.

That all said, I finished re-reading The New Codependency by: Melody Beattie, can’t recommend it enough, for those who have a similar struggle.

I’m also now exploring this book my therapist recommended called: Understanding And Treating Chromic Shame. It’s been eye opening but also a little difficult to read, to admit to oneself some of the things you are most ashamed of. Trippy but helpful.

Lastly one I keep on my nightstand and flip through periodically is: The Wisdom Of Insecurity by: Alan Watts. Big fan of his work. Highly recommend, 10/10. Might not be for everyone, but that’s how it goes. If it resonates with you, that’s what counts.

Recently I released some new music. Well…new is a funny word but new to the world, old to me. Mostly demos of songs I’ve considered either unfinished or not up to my own standards. I’ve used that reasoning though to keep myself stifled for too long, another pattern I’m working on reshaping.

I wrote and demoed a couple of the pieces this past year for a course I took through School Of Song with Blake Mills. It was really healthy and I’m glad my friend Wryn talked me into doing it. Grateful for that experience. It both was validating and affirming but also taught me truly how much everyone is still just figuring it all out as you go. Those songs are towards the front end of this collection, the rest are demos from the past 12 years that have been eating up space on my computer.

I am very grateful to everyone who have taken the time to check out this new material, but If you’re curious and have not yet, here is the link to my bandcamp - you can also find it on most streaming platforms now as well.

Delicate Demos Vol. 1

My friend Cecilia James did the artwork and logo design, my roommate and friend Carl Perry did the photography. I quite literally woke up one morning recently and decided this was something I needed to do creatively for myself as a kind of reset and reprioritization.

While I’m grateful to be in the camp of guitarists that folks trust and call up for hired gun work, tours, shows etc. - I have been feeling un-fulfilled or like I’m not honoring a part of myself that needs more attention and space.

There is a large batch of songs I’ve been working on for six years now, and for one reason or another those recordings are in creative limbo, I’d like that to change but financially and schedule wise its been quite a challenge. While I’m hoping to remedy this soon..I felt compelled to do something rather than continuing to wait on my laurels for things to line up.

The idea for this Delicate Demos volume of songs came from a Kickstarter I did about seven years ago. This is one of the promised projects that unfortunately didn’t get finished due to touring, then Covid and my mom’s health.

I’ve held a lot of guilt and shame for not finishing that particular project to the exact degree in which I said I was going to. The world shut down and changed, my mom and grandma passed away and life kept on happening. As it does. That is just the way things go sometimes of course..so I’ve clumsily learned to adapt, adjust and remain flexible. To grow in my own way, even if I’ve fought that growth a little. To do the work I can do in the time I can do it. I’m very very grateful for the ongoing support and encouragement from everyone to continue forward. I can get lost in my head often so it’s nice to be reminded of that from time to time. In addition though I still feel a heavy sense of shame and like I’ve been ice skating uphill, all of those things contribute to my ongoing in the background imposter syndrome as well…however I’d like that to change. Truly. I’d like to be free of that feeling and burden. I’d like to complete that which I feel needs completing. Ready for the next chapter. Growth mindset vs scarcity mindset.

That old Kickstarter Project allowed me to really get a jump on recording, it funded the first batch of recordings for this record I’ve been trying to finish called Heartbreak City, plus the single Easy Street, which cost an arm and a leg. Frankly most of what was raised went into producing that track. Truly an experience I’m very grateful for but that is honestly where most of the funds went. Scott Hirsch (of Hiss Golden Messenger) produced, recorded and mixed that song. Along with his team in Ojai, CA, who rightly all needed to be paid, as well as getting the track mastered. It was great recording with that whole crew. I’d love to do it again. We recorded it all in a day, right before I went on tour with Dante Elephante and Summer Salt. That song ended up being released in 2021. Prior to that I recorded and released a song with my friend Grey Bear Erickson called Hummingbird for my mom. All of this was possible due to folks support and kindness. As well as some serious elbow grease.

That all said, a lesson I’m learning is to just be more blunt about the cost of recording and all things related to creative endeavors more. Especially if I do some kind of crowdfunding again, which I’m considering as an option to help finish these records. Back then I grossly underestimated how much recording would cost, and like a lot of musicians/artists, when funding is needed, I truly struggle with asking for the actual amount, or help in general. I’m not sure why it seems embarrassing to say out loud how much recording costs. Why is that? It’s not always the case but if you’re going to end up paying it either way… it’s just a funny thing that I know I struggle with as well as some other artist friends of mine.

So the irony is I “funded” this project through that platform but it was nowhere near enough to actually fund my stated goals. An album called: Heartbreak City, an EP of additional songs called: Sweet Nothings and a compilation of demos called: Delicate Demos. In addition to funding merch, such as tee’s and stickers. I put the cart before the horse as they say.

My goal has been to finish this, somehow. Still working on the “how” part. I haven’t been exactly sitting idle, but I feel I don’t have enough to show for where I’m at currently. It’s a funny thing to try and square I suppose. Another thing to mediate on.

Every time I revisit the recordings for Heartbreak City the album grows, in part because of the very long stretches between sessions for this record. I’m always recording new material for it, things that feel more inspired and up to date with who I am as an artist, singer/songwriter and musician.

Ironically now what was once a simple ten song record has now become twenty two songs, soon to be twenty three. I’ll likely release these songs as two separate things since it’s really grown into something a lot larger than I initially planned.

So in addition to a reset for myself, this recent release also represents a first step towards finishing up some old promised projects, that most likely I’m the only one concerned about but I’d still like to honor my commitment.

A bit of a tangent but that’s the story.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who chimed into my last posts weighing of Nashville vs Los Angeles. That was really helpful to hear a few different perspectives. I’m honestly still 50/50 but I’ve entered a phase where I’m actively working on letting go and just letting things be. So, whatever presents itself when the time is right and where I feel some alignment, that’s likely the direction I will go.

For now I’ll wrap up by leaving you with a few insights on emotional trouble shooting that I’ve learned and am currently learning. This comes from that codependency book I mentioned earlier.

• Take care of ourselves, where we are

• It’s out of our hands - step gracefully into the unknown

• Ask for the courage to see and accept the truth, even it if hurts

• Sometimes we learn the most important part of the lesson after we think class has ended. Stay present. Class isn’t over till its finished

• We never have to do anything we don’t get the power and ability to do. We don’t have to do what we can’t

• First things first (as simple as that is)

• Do the opposite of what we think. Instead of pushing ourselves harder when we’re exhausted and over-worked, take a break. Don’t return to our work until we’re rested

• Surrender our need to control and be perfect. Settle for excellence instead

• Don’t turn our lives and wills over to the care of anyone else, other than our higher power

• When we don’t set the boundaries we need to set, we often lose the relationship anyway because we feel black-mailed, un-happy, trapped. It’s not comfortable to be anywhere we can’t be who we are and speak our truth

• Take one or two steps more. Right around the bend is when we’ll see the light. God isn’t late, we’re early. Don’t be impatient. Instead, be present for the moment we’re in now

• All these years we’ve felt like we’ve been doing it by ourselves, we’ve been supported by god, people and life

• Learn to love and take care of yourself. You’ll learn to love others better. Being healthy doesn’t mean being so tough we don’t care, or so hard-hearted nobody can hurt us again. The path we’re on might start with not giving so much, or so compulsively, but living and loving with an open heart - even when that means paying the price of saying goodbye too soon - is where this journey leads. Don’t stop until you’re there.

And with that friends I’ll catch you next time. Thanks for tuning in. Wishing you all well out there. Much love ~ JEC

Dear reader,

Hello again and thank you kindly for tuning in. I’m just getting back from a brief tour up to Canada with Dante Elephante. Quite exhausted at the moment and just getting my bearings again. Trying to catch up on sleep.

At most when touring, if you track your sleep, it seems you get on average 4 to 5 hours. So you try and rest, nap, or find spots to lay your head whenever you can. Even if for only 10mins at a time.

Sleeping, some kind of movement and grabbing a shower. Those things you prioritize over all else.

So I’m logging on with a question I’ve been wrestling with for some time now.

Is Nashville or Los Angeles the next move? As a musician and artist, currently an independent contractor, which city and environment would be more ideal? Things I’ve been thinking about, asking about and weighing for some time.

I’m gonna leave a poll here, which I would love your input on. In addition I’ll share some quick thoughts I have on both cities. Both positives and negatives.

Let me know your honest opinion and thoughts, both in the poll but also feel free to comment as well! I’m genuinely curious and am interested in hearing from you all. No matter what your background.

As my therapist said, there likely isn’t a wrong answer, just the answer that is right for you right now. Truly either city would offer up inspiration and work, and frankly I wouldn’t mind living in either - depending on lifestyle as well as opportunity.

Having recently spent a little time in Nashville I can say with confidence that being in a city like that will sharpen your skills as a musician. Without a doubt. Whether you go further in your career is a toss up but to be around so many serious players is inspiring.

On the other hand, being in Los Angeles feels like a natural jump from where I am currently. With all of the connections I’ve built over the years in California and being able to continue to nurture those connections by staying on the west coast. It also feels in a way like I could be myself as an artist easier, but who knows.

Some quick pros and cons of Nashville:

Pros:

1. Affordability, cost of living

2. Accessibility, easier city to navigate (given its size and saturation)

3. Everyone there has a very high standard of playing, this professionalism has a trickle down effect that is a net positive

4. East Nashville has a more indie friendly DIY atmosphere, similar to East LA

5. Folks are very kind and open, at least based on my limited experience. There is a politeness

6. It’s very much music city, a songwriters town

7. The degrees of separation are much slimmer

Cons:

1. Over-saturation, so many killer players, highly competitive

2. Can’t gig like I can out here on the coast, it would be more broadway oriented and lower pay, until getting established in the session scene or picked up for touring

3. Lots of booze and tourism

4. The weather, four seasons but a lot of humidity, very hot during the summers

5. Not as many connections or friends, feeling potentially trapped

6. It would be more starting over then building on something

7. The commodification of music, though is true really every where there is industry

Some quick Pros and Cons of Los Angeles:

Pros:

1. Staying in California, close to the ocean, mountains and the nature I love

2. Nearer to and able to build on connections already made, connected to a few different scenes here, both directly and indirectly

3. Potentially easier to get work as a guitarist, though this is a toss up given how highly competitive LA is as well

4. I think I would stand out more as an artist/musician easier given how I’m not doing the same thing a lot of folks are, however this is more of a gut instinct

5. Being a part of what feels like a potential artistic/musical renaissance in LA

6. Staying connected to people I know and care for, miles and distance make everything harder, even in this day and age

Cons:

1. Higher cost of living

2. Traffic + congestion

3. Highly competitive, over saturation

4. Lack of accessibility, the city can be tuff to navigate

5. A lot of clout chasing, performative cliquey behavior, the moving target of “cool”, gate-keeping, though also true of a lot of industry towns

6. Potentially harder to break into, really a toss up

Both would require having a little scratch saved, potentially a day job lined up and a neighborhood decided on before hand.

The above positives and negatives are things I’ve just picked up on over the years. I’m not a spring chicken either, and while I’m in it for the long game, there are still things to consider given my late 30s vs had I made this move in my 20s.

As a guitar player, there are certain trends/sounds I like to be aware of. Everyone in LA is on the Blake Mills train, which don’t get me wrong, he is one of my favorite players/producers currently working, but by not being one of the players that is trying to do that same thing, I think I would stand out easier in LA vs Nashville..where more folks are cut from the very chord tone heavy Guthrie Trapp and Tom Bukovac camp. The million dollar chord and lick types.

Different preferences and priorities.

I’ve lived in three places my whole life, born in Connecticut, then moved out to Lompoc, CA when I was kid, now living in Santa Barbara. I think before I get to my 40s, another move feels healthy and needed. To shake things up, to get back to a place where I’m trying to support myself and art.

A mantra I try and say daily, or at least read is: Live the way you wanna live.

As a recovering people pleaser - my time, energy and space are things I hold very near and dear.

My mom said something to me 10 years ago now after a bad break up that always stuck with me as well.

She said:

“You have to be a hundred percent committed to you before you can commit to another.”

I always come back to that one.

Other things I actively tell myself these days are:

“It’s okay to not know.”

“Growth comes from being honest with yourself as well as with those around you, and continuing to do so.”

“I forgive, love and accept myself for having ocd/adhd and codependency. I’m grateful for the lessons these issues have taught me and the gifts they’ve given, and all I’m going to learn.”

Lastly from Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie (highly recommend):

“Keep track of what you do for others and what you do for yourself. Are you tending to your true responsibilities? Is there a healthy balance between what you do for yourself and others?”

These are all things that help me feel grounded again and in times where I might be feeling worn thing, lost or frustrated, it reminds me that I have the ability to make choices that allow me to get to where I’d like to be. At least that’s the idea.

With this move, it’s about getting out of my own way - which I’m quite prolific at, trying to not shoot myself in the foot anymore and get out of this barely keeping my head above water place I’ve been in for some time.

All things I’m working on and taking into consideration.

Anyhow I suppose that’s all for today, let me know what your thoughts are on the two different cities, curious to hear.

Also feel free to share this publication with anyone you think might find it interesting or useful. I’m working on continuing to grow on here, just as I hope we all are in general.

Wishing well out, till next time xoxo

~ JEC

Here is a quick lesson on a musical idea that can help you learn thumb independence.

A couple of different riffs over an E Blues.

Practice slow and try doing it with a metronome.

I picked this up via Jimi Hendrix who picked it up from John Lee Hooker.

If there is a lesson, lick, or topic of interest that I can help break down - feel free to …

Read more

Dear reader,

Hello again, and thank you so much for tuning in. It’s most certainly been a while. I do regret my radio silence over this last stretch but on some level I must of needed it. The past year has consisted of burn out, on going grief, juggling, changing gears, letting go, readjusting, rearranging, restoration, rediscovery and reorientation.

Currently I’m sitting in an airport in Portland Oregon, having just landed after a gig the night before in Santa Barbara. Maybe slept for an hour and half. Boarding was at 4:50am. Doing a last minute west coast run into Canada with Dante Elephante. We’re opening for a band called ‘Dumbo Gets Mad’ - a rock group out of Italy.

The flight was mostly uneventful, which I’m grateful for - other then sitting next to someone who’s sense of personal space was a little grey for my taste.

Happy to be back in the PNW. It always feels good up here, the air is cool and refreshing.

(Just as I find a suitable location to park it for a while, sip on coffee and try writing, a noisy gentleman sits directly behind me. Weird sounds from all around. Irrationally irritated.)

Lately my people skills have been suffering, or maybe its my patience...It feels like in general the older I get the more anti-social I become. This is not an intentional action but I’m sure this, in part, a reaction that has to do with how divided my time has been of late. Being aware of what you need is only half the game, acting on it and making it happen is often the harder task.

I’m trying to get back into the practice of being mindful of what there is to be grateful for again. Striking a better balance. It’s easy to get caught up in the circus of depression and the chaos of life. Even still, there are many things I can count as blessings.

Playing at a jazz club tonight in downtown Portland called Jack London Revue, a spot we actually haven’t played here before. Looking forward to it. Also given how heavy the Steely Dan influence is on this new music, it feels right.

Coffee is starting to wear off…

Recently I completed another trip around the sun. I guess not that recent, but when I originally started writing this it was closer to March. Birthdays though..are a funny thing. My own personal preference is to not make a fuss over it. A lot of times I’ll just work, or maybe take a quiet drive up the coast. A lot of what I do for a living involves planning, scheduling and such, so what is actually relaxing and important to me is prioritizing space and just letting things breathe. Letting things be. Waking up and doing nothing for a change. I have a fantasy of reading a book all day after a nice long walk, playing some guitar for myself and sipping on some coffee. That sounds like the perfect day right now. As Lou Reed croons in the background.

I love people watching. Especially in an airport. People are fascinating. I still feel often like an outsider in many ways. An alien that got jettisoned out from the mothership and crash landed on this little third stone from the sun.

Always somewhere to be, always something to do, always someone to please, always something to lose.

Finished recording guitar for the new Dante Elephante record last year, Ruben signed with new management, as well as our original booking agent got absorbed by a larger agency - long term that’s a good thing. It’ll be a minute before the album is out but the process is happening. A couple months back, we had our first gig in over a year down in Malibu at AV Dreamland. Opened for some artist named Yellow Days. Hadn’t heard of them before but they put on a good show. Nine piece band, loud as hell. Good rhythm section. Not something I’d listen to of my own accord but live is always a different thing. We’ve got this tour now up into Canada then a label showcase down in LA again the week after we get back.

The wheels are certainly turning again. After a little break. Not that last year was really a “break” but less heavy lifting with road work and instead we all focused on recording. Both for Dante, session work for various artists, and also trying to finish what has turned into almost three albums worth of material for myself, music I’m, partly proud of and then some I’m just completely over. It’s been a long time coming though, six years in the making at least. It’s been quite the mountain to climb. Trying to find little moments and funding to do it, between everything else.

Slowly been dripping that music out as singles but I’m ready to get it all done and get it all out. My word of the year is: Prioritize.

I was also recently got asked to do some songwriting for film/tv, I’m excited that one of the projects did end up getting a sync and hopefully as long as the tune makes the final edit, will be out sometime later this year or early next. Will talk more about this when able but for now I’ll just say I’m very grateful for the work and opportunity.

Speaking of touring, for the first time in almost five years it felt really good to take a needed respite from the road, it most definitely can wear you down. Even if you love it.

The break allowed me to take stock of where I’m at and do some thinking as to just where I’d like to be. It also made space, along with not drinking, for continuing to process both my mom and grandma passing. I guess it’s not surprising how much that is still affecting things on a pretty significant level. More than I sometimes care to acknowledge out loud. That’s partly why I stay so busy, and perhaps why things have felt more convoluted over the past two years…Due to how much grief is still there and how much I’m still processing it all. I feel like I’m running, or titrating. I can only turn the faucet on for so long before it becomes too much, but I am trying. Trying not to run anymore.

Trying to embrace the grief and loss when I can, as I can. As well as the inherent growth that comes along with that process. Trying to get back into the land of the living. Slowly but surely, small steps when able. It’s tedious but that’s how it goes I suppose.

God damn, I’m tired…I wonder if there is designated sleeping spot for folks in the airport? Maybe just wherever you find a couple seats to yourself.

I’m still doing the no drinking thing. Over a year sober now. It started out just needed a break and then it turned into a thing I don’t miss. There is a certain calm clarity about it that I enjoy.

Had a great time recently in Nashville. Just got back a couple weeks ago. Saw some sites, recorded some music, mostly though hit spots that felt more down home and less touristy. Met some personal heroes of mine, Guthrie Trapp to name one. Everyone there is so personable, it kinda throws you off at first. Compared to the clout chasing elsewhere. I mean, it’s still downright competitive as hell but the way folks approach it is different out there. That may be the most surprising thing.

The music of course was some of the best I’ve experienced ever, just makes you wanna play more and really get back to the joy of it all.

Lately I’ve been having to weigh another move. The house I was living in was on the market so I was getting ready to make a jump to Los Angeles or Nashville. The home situation changed though, for the better. It’ll give me a little wiggle room to finish some things while in Santa Barbara before making the jump to wherever is next.

Likely Los Angeles, it makes sense in a lot of ways. I’m like 60/40 on living in LA vs Nashville. Would love your input if you have any hot takes.

Anyhow the time feels right to shake the dust off this publication/newsletter/blog space and to get these damn gears turning again.

Look forward to catching up more. About to find some more coffee then meet up with the band at the venue for load in and sound check.

I’ll leave you with this, since this is my first post of the new year, something I wrote in my journal New Year’s Day that I just stumbled upon whilst looking back through old entries.

“When sharing a happy new year with someone, if written via text on a mobile device, those words would cause a series of explosive images that would illicit a potential response of warmth and excitement. Perhaps that all will be okay. Is that true anymore? In our culture of hustle and bustle it seems like something prescient has been lost. Something meaningful that we try to replace with one thing or another. Technology clumsily and woefully has robbed us of a unique ability to breathe and discern, but tries to supplement it in a painstakingly sterile and vapid way. Lack of tangible connection, hollow nutrition. Empty like a microwave dinner that says it’s organic. Offering up ease of use and convenience as a means to an end. Hold a hand and enjoy real human connection when you can”

Wishing well to y’all out there, talk to you soon xoxo

Well hello there dear reader,

I hope this finds you in a relatively good mood, and that you’re doing as good as can be. All things considered.

It’s been far too long.

My sincere apologies there.

All things being equal, I could be working more efficiently. Goals.

(It’s been raining quite a bit here in Santa Barbara. Loving it.)

This will be a shorter update then I’d like but time hasn’t been in my favor for this past year, so far..Hopefully that turns around soon. Partly I suppose I must own my part in that, but things have been quite chaotic since the start of 2025. I’ve been playing in quite a few bands lately to help pay the bills, the hired gun thing is fun but can be a lot of work. Lessons have been slow so far, hopefully that starts to turn around but you do what you gotta do to survive…suffice to say my health though hasn’t been in the best shape as a consequence of all this running around multiple candle burnings and such.

So for some updates:

If you happen to find yourself wandering into Solvang, CA tonight - My band (The Contenders) and I will be playing an overdue show to help celebrate the release of a couple new songs, both Waiting On Tomorrow and The Contender.

We’ll be playing at Lost Chord Guitars at 8pm. Doors at 7pm. 21 and up. $10 cover.

My friends Antigone Antigone (a folk duo outta LA) and Bradberri (an indie rock outfit from SB I play guitar for) will be joining/supporting.

We’ve got a couple new songs I’m excited to debut. One in particular I’m looking forward to demo’ing soon as well.

The Contenders for tonight will be: Jess Bush on keys, Wesley Hill on bass and my brother Samuel Cole on drums. Always grateful to play with this crew.

Maybe, quite possibly, and hopefully, see you there.

I feel like in a way, I’m just finally coming up for air…It has been fun but a lot of work playing guitar for as many artists/groups as I’ve been lately. Grateful for the gigs, truly but perhaps it is a good thing that amount of juggling will be slowing down come April.

Recently I celebrated another solar return. As of this past Tuesday. Officially I’m in my late 30s now, which is a trip to think about in a lot of ways. As a new friend told me though just today during our lesson, a lot of times you’re just getting to your prime then. Be patient and focused. You’ve lived long enough to understand what is worth putting more time and effort in and what isn’t. He gave some other pearls as well, some things I needed to hear in that moment I suppose. That conversation sprouted from a simple thing I said about jumping out of bed too fast and feeling stiff. No matter what age I guess, stretching is always a good idea. My mom would of encouraged core strengthening exercises. I do the pilates 100 often thinking of her.

Anyhow, more things are on the horizon..more music. I’m still trying to figure out how to fund the rest of the record I’ve been working on for the past few years. Though I’m extremely grateful for the help and support I’ve had along the way. The whole process is moving slow. Often help can come in unexpected ways, or when you simply ask for it. Which I’m learning how to do more of. The majority of it though is self-funded so it just takes time. Regardless, I can’t wait to share these songs with y’all.

Recently I was on The Arwen Lewis Podcast to help promote the new songs, as well as this show coming up tonight. It was a nice conversation, I was just waking up but the coffee kicked in about halfway through and made for some interesting pieces, hopefully you’ll find something there you enjoy.

If you’d like to check it out, here is the link:

Now I need to scoot, time to stretch in some new strings and get ready for that release show. Thank you all for tuning in and reading along, as well as for your consistent support! I hope you are enjoying the rainy weather and staying safe out there.

Looking forward catching up very soon!

Much love,
J

New Year’s Eve. Twenty twenty four is coming to a close. By the time you read this, it’ll likely be twenty twenty five.

It has been a very difficult one. A very transformative one. A year full of great personal loss, letting go, lessons and growth.

The washing machine is rattling in the background. Sipping on some peppermint tea while cooking a light meal. I walked for a few miles today. Talked to my dad on the phone while taking in the sunshine. Kept on walking for a few miles more. I had some ear buds in but kept the company of mostly the sounds around me and silence.

Still feeling restless.

Reflecting now.

I hope, dear reader, that your holiday season was well, nourishing and fulfilling. I hope this coming year is the same. I hope that we are all able to pause and find the balance of gratefulness and compassion for ourselves as well as others as we carry on into the complete unknown.

And yes, I did watch that Bob Dylan movie. It was alright. I feel like, if in fact, Bob did approve parts of it, it was almost like the ultimate contrarian move on his end.

Sounds like that did happen. I heard that as the last part of the script was read to him he simply said: “Go with god”, and walked out.

I think I liked the fact that they played all the music live. I’m also a sucker for older films and consequently some things that would be interpreted as corny. They caught a certain something I guess. It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t great. It just kind of was.

One of his songs in particular has been comforting.

‘Death Is Not The End’

“When you’re sad and when you’re lonely, And you haven’t got a friend, just remember that death is not the end, and all you’ve held sacred, falls down and does not mend, just remember that death is not the end, not the end, not the end, just remember that death is not the end.

When you’re standing at the crossroads, that you cannot comprehend, just remember that death is not the end, and all your dreams have vanished and you don’t know what’s up the bend, just remember that death is not the end, not the end, not the end, just remember that death is not the end.

When the storm clouds gather ‘round you and heavy rains descend, just remember that death is not the end, and there’s no one there to comfort you with a helpin’ hand to lend, just remember that death is not the end, not the end, not the end, just remember that death is not the end.

Oh, the tree of life is growing, where the spirit never dies and the bright light of salvation shines in dark and empty skies.“

This past year certainly was a lot of things but dull was not one of them. Living in Santa Barbara has been good enough so far, grateful for the new place I’m living in as well as the friends I’ve made over the years down here, becoming gradually closer.

A good direction for starters.

Sleeping erratically. Been burning the candle at both ends. Up until Christmas really. The other night I was up till 8am for some reason. Haven’t done that in god knows how long. I try to sleep whenever I can. It has been harder lately to drift off. Harder to quiet my mind. A lot to process. That naughty doom scrolling certainly doesn’t help either. I feel like I’m always grabbing for something lately.

A drink, a guitar, my phone.

Whatever I gotta do to self regulate a little. To detach a little. Just enough so I can get through the next day. Remembering to focus on myself and take pauses.

I’m a converted believer in the institution of napping.

What’s next? I don’t know. This past year was so damn much that it’s hard to say where I see this next one going. Keeping my fingers crossed.

A moment to take a breath and relax into wherever I am would be nice. I’ll start there.

I still feel other cities calling. I need to reach out to some friends about booking some solo shows in Nashville, I’d like to see what that place is about. Maybe hang there for a little while.

Another friend brought up LA again. I guess that is always a possibility. Since the city of angels has always been right there I’ve enjoyed being able to dip in without getting stuck there, however the older I get the more alluring it sounds.

My roommate mentioned NYC. That could be fun. I’ve been through there a bit and it is an electric experience every time. Is it the city I wanna be in right now, well that I ain’t too sure of.

It reality though, nothing has to be permanent. No reason to be stuck in procrastination land. Trying to just trust the universe and my intuition.

Finishing up recording is certainly a goal for the first part of this coming year. I’ve got my record and Dante Elephante’s that needs wrapping.

Do you believe in doing resolutions? I think I used to do that more. Not so much these days, I like goals but I tend to have those throughout the year regardless of the earth’s position to the sun. Is that the same thing? Maybe so.

I found this old list, got a bit tattered during the move, forgive the sloppy hand writing. Usually whatever I haven’t done the previous year I just roll into the coming. Some things I just leave on as healthy reminders and as continuous practices.

A few other things I try to keep in mind, that I wrote down around the same time as the above, are:

“Growth comes from being honest with yourself as well as with those around you, and continuing to do so.”

“It’s okay to not know.”

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in thy sight.”

I read those words back often. I keep them in my journal so I can look over them every time I go to write something. It’s soothing. Grounding. It’s the equivalent of putting on comfy shoes or clothes when you got off of work, it helps you get into that more centered state of mind.

My mom was big on affirmations. I’ve mentioned this before but it seems relevant to mention again. It’s something I’ve inherited.

Really missing those two angels.

My Grandma Elaine passed away very recently. Funny enough, it happened on mom’s birthday. December 13th.

We were all up visiting, my brother and sisters along with my dad at my dad’s place. First time without her being around for the holidays or her birthday.

Usually we’d get together to decorate a tree. My little brother and sister would go pick one up. She loved us all being together and loved the lights. Sometimes we’d go up to this one neighborhood and see all the decorations that folks had come up with for their homes, drive around for a little while.

Soft and tender memories. It’s hard to talk about honestly, so I’ll likely keep this short.

We got the word that Grandma, our mom’s mom, was in the hospital that day. Her health had been slowly getting a little worse, she had just turned 92 recently. A long life. It is odd thinking about talking to her on her birthday four days prior. Grateful for that. I wish I had seen her a little more these past few years.

Something that sticks out to me though is a conversation we had right after my mom’s memorial service back in June. She called me and just wanted to tell me how nice the service was and how mom would have loved it. She said it was perfect. I just started crying, we talked for a little while longer and she told me mom would have been proud.

We talked during the early covid years a lot as well. World events. Politics. Local gossip. Music. That was a nice thing, didn’t really think about it then but I’m thankful for it now.

She left us at almost the same time of night as mom. It was also on a Friday. We were able to see her thankfully before she passed. Soon as she got out of surgery and was in the ICU, our uncle let us know we could come by. It was a very intense surgery and they had to stop part way through to give her body a break. She never really stabilized after that, unfortunately. Got to say goodbye though. Uncanny how much she looked like mom. That might have been one of the hardest things, that and the timing.

Surreal. That’s what one of my uncle’s said as we were talking the next day. The whole thing was just surreal.

We had a funeral service pretty soon afterwords, in honor of her faith, this past December 20th.

It has been something else.

I miss them both. A lot.

There is so much there and it’s all fresh.

I’d like to end this communique though on more of a positive. I do not pretend to know what this next year holds but I’d like to think that given what this past year was, maybe some good things await. Maybe its just enough of a shift in the air for us to work towards something clearer and more honest, with ourselves at least, hopefully though with each other as well.

The few pictures I’m leaving at the end are representative of what I want to be doing even more of in this coming chapter. Some highlights from the various tours and shows over the past 12 months. 141 gigs. Ain’t nothing to sneeze at I guess. I feel the tide changing. Maybe it’s the kind of change we all need in order to get to the place we all wanna be. Wherever that is.

Take care for now and hope you have a wonderful start to the new year.

Thank you for reading, subscribing and following along. Means a lot.

Wishing well, god bless and sending love out there.

~ J

Hello again, dear reader.

I hope this finds you well as can be, post thanksgiving and all. Did you eat too much? Did you enjoy yourself? Did you get into any uncomfortable conversations with family? Did you have any good shared moments with loved ones? Was the pie good?

No matter what kind of day it was, I wish you nothing but a restful recharge, however that looks and in whatever way that takes shape for you. We have a few more holidays to go after all.

There is certainly a little sleep deprivation I’m fighting, or maybe that’s just the sugar and alcohol hangover talking..it’s also now going on 2:30am.

In the background I can hear my roommate watching American Gangster, a film by Ridley Scott, starring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. It’s an old favorite. Loosely based on the criminal career of Frank Lucas. Fascinating story, if you’re into a solid 70s drug crime drama. And while there are certain liberties taken, there is a part of the story that poses the question; what really is the difference between the gangsters on the street or the gangsters in government? How regardless of what world you operate in, you are always going to be presented with a set of circumstances and choices that challenge your character, if you have it. How easily folks can be seduced to corruption. How they can choose to rise above it. The use of power. There are some other elements as well. As they say - it’s Hollywood baby. Tinsel town. It’s a relatively easy watch. It holds up I think. I’m biased though, I tend to like most things that Denzel is in.

Of note - My new roommate is the gentleman who took the above photo, his name is Carl. Very talented photographer, and bass player. I met him while playing in Alexandra Riorden’s band earlier this year. Flash forward to September and we’re on tour together with Garden’s & Villa and Antonio Barret. It’s nice sharing a space with another creative personality. Another gig worker. Also, being in a house again has its perks. I miss my apartment, the seclusion and living alone but the benefits of being somewhere new with more square footage out weighs everything else. It’s also just the two of us. It ain’t a bad set up. Really enjoying stretching my legs. Grateful that circumstances collectively presented this opportunity. Happy to be here. I’ve been needing that change of scene for a long time.

Took things real slow yesterday. Drove up to Lompoc to spend some time with what family was around. Grateful for that. Like a lot of things lately, I’m just trying to go minute by minute. Most days I’m waking up still feeling exhausted. Most days it’s like a dull sort of condition that just sits with you, ever present. I guess that’s depression, or bad time management, or both.

Eating some pumpkin pie that my little sister made, based on an old classic recipe my dad used to use all the time. The secret is having some kind of cream cheese base. Grew up with that as a staple. Eventually I started making them, I think around the time my marriage was on its way out, did that every holiday for a few years. It’s really nice to see Annie getting into it.

I’m wrecking my stomach. More from the wine than anything. The pie is vegan, allergen friendly, it’s really good. Thank you Annie for extending the sweetness.

Fell asleep watching Home For The Holidays. I’ve never seen it and given my tired eyes, I’ll have to try watching it again. Annie suggested. We’re both fan’s of Robert Downey Jr. - Also Holly Hunter was the lead and really gave an earnest and sincere performance, at least what I saw between snoozing - she’s killer. Her voice is really special. We were visiting after the initial family thanksgiving gathering at the designated post hang location. After some conversation, imbibing and pie, even though it was getting late, we threw that flick on for fun. What I was awake for was enjoyable, interesting enough and a little quirky.

My apologies, I think this particular entry is more film reviews than anything else.

Funny enough I’ve wanted to start a podcast about movies with my brother for a while now. Movies always were a special thing growing up, kind of a special occasion. At least it felt that way for whatever reason. Didn’t do the TV thing the way most families do. Music and movies are a shared language between my siblings and cousins. Anyhow, it could be fun. Though, everyone and their uncle has a podcast now. Not to despair too much but it’s become about as common, and almost as expected, as having an instagram account. Part and parcel to being a modern artist of some type, one must also double as a content creator. Speaking of which, I might actually be doing some work soon for TrueFire, a guitar learning platform. More on that soon, and if it ends up happening.

Co-star today says: Resting doesn’t make you weak.

In this attention economy, the struggling artist is expected to be the sum of all parts. A marketing guru, a manager, a booking agent, a videographer, a recording engineer, a savant, a saint etc, etc. It’s the era we are either born into and/or are living through, either way, it is what it is - I guess you just try to make the best of it. Like with anything. Because, why not? Any era in history comes with its own unique set of problems, positives and delivery mechanisms.

One more quick movie reference, if you haven’t seen it - Midnight In Paris. Worth checking out. From a controversial film maker but the message of the film lends itself to this conversation, at least in part. Focus on what you can do vs what you can’t do. Try not to romanticize the past too much. It’s easy to get trapped by nostalgia, which in turn can keep you from moving forward and being present. Making the most of what you have right in front of you.

That all said though, it is a wildly different landscape than it used to be, both as an artist and as a working musician. Most session players who do what I do, even with more consistent tour schedules, are still struggling in very similar ways, still juggling different gigs when not on the road. Picking up odd jobs here or there. Teaching. Bartending. Coffee shop working. Playing wineries, sports bars, dive bars, clubs, anywhere and everywhere just to make ends meet and break even. You do what you gotta do to survive. To keep going.

It is just the nature of where things are at the moment. Odd as it may sound, I’m comforted by the fact that other players like me, friends, but who play with bigger artists, are still doing the same thing I’m doing when not on the road. We are kind of all in this collective moment together, figuring it out and trying to think of creative ways to stay afloat, to create more security so that we can keep on creating, living, working and doing the things we care about, the things that inspire you to keep going. I reckon that’s likely what we’re all after.

To be able to put a roof over our head doing what we love, to get from point A to point B without too much drama and to maybe have a little something tucked away for the occasional vacation, or random adventure. Ideally, and long term, being in a situation that allows you to retire with dignity. All things being equal, I am extremely grateful for what I’ve been able to do, where I’ve been able to go and how I’ve been able to live as your friendly neighborhood guitarist/musician/artist type. Especially without a traditional education. Taking the road a little less traveled I guess. Sometimes that perspective or gratefulness just depends on how you roll outta bed though. We all measure success differently and at different times in our lives.

On that note - debating Nashville or LA for the next move. My friend suggested Asheville as well, said it was sort of becoming a great little music town - so that is another option that’s entered my head. Another friend is really into Austin, but that scene ain’t the same as it used to be. Love the city though. Just not sure I’d move there. I’m at a point where I’m just pulling on a thread and seeing where it leads. Trying to take things as they come and breathe a little more. Take things in a little more. Trying to slow down. Be in the moment. There are things I wanna do, but I’m trying not to put the same kind of pressure I did on myself when I was in my twenties. Being open to opportunity and creating the things I wanna create and not beating myself up if I don’t do it by a certain time.

I’ve said it before but part of me still wants to go back to school. So who knows. I’m grateful I can find work and that I have work that finds me.

Most of the time I just want to play guitar and write songs. Often lately, it doesn’t feel like there is ever enough time to do even that. You feel backed into a corner a little. On the one hand you are doing something you love but on the other you’re having to divide up your attention in so many ways just to stay above water that its easy to get lost in the process of trying to survive. It takes a lot of conscious effort and intentional action, not to mention trying to carve out time for rest and relaxation.

There is definitely a pressure to deliver these days, constantly. To always have something to say, to always have something new to put out, to be generating content that help’s feed the insatiable appetite of the algorithm and consumer. Some folks really have the aptitude for it. Some don’t. It ain’t a right or wrong kind of thing. The game has just really changed and we’re all just doing our best to try and play. Find how you can make it work for you, without pulling your hair out. Because truly, does any of it matter? Both yes and no, yes if you buy into the current system and situation. Maybe the secret is to opt out. To not play the game. Maybe the future of success in our industry will come from doing the opposite of everything that everyone is doing now, the opposite of whatever the current prevailing wisdom is.

The older I get the more I believe you can change the terms and conditions, as they apply to you. Regardless - if you feel inspired to create something, I say do it. No matter the circumstances. Find a way. Keep doing what you love, be yourself, and focus on trying to be consistent. Do whatever brings you joy and fills your cup. Life is too short for anything else.

While likely you can read the note above, these are some things I wrote out for myself to glance at throughout the day, they help me stay focused and balanced.

Friendly Reminders To Self:

• Resting is okay, you’re allowed a break

• Don’t Try To Please Everyone

• Practice Generous Gratefulness

• Self Discipline

• Staying Positive but Grounded

• Participate in Fulfilling Behavior

Maybe there is something of use for you there. I’m a definitely a big believer in the power of affirmation and the growth mindset types.

Finally the temperature is changing for the cooler here in Santa Barbara, thank god for that. I’ve been really needing more overcast, rainy and cold for a while now. It’s still overall stubbornly sunny. I should be careful what I wish for though..and also I shouldn’t be complaining. Who complains about sunshine? Aside from Madam Mim in that old Disney movie, The Sword in the Stone. Most would think I’m crazy for, well for a variety of reasons, let alone complaining over sunshine and a balmy 70 to 80 degrees. As I understand it, where I am located in Sb tends to lean just a little bit warmer than average, even for the area. Good to know.

Pretty sure I’m built for colder weather. Might just be that I’m used to a slightly more overcast climate in Lompoc, or shoot, even way back in Connecticut it would be close to snowing season. I have to remind myself that this is still a new move. I’m still adjusting. I did it quite fast. Was on the road for a good chunk of this past year, and when you’re traveling like that but you never go back to the place you started out from, it can be a jarring feeling. My body and mind had been still expecting to go back to a certain spot and climate post tour, and that never happened. By my own hand of course. Anyhow, I’m just rambling.

Can you get depressed by too much sun? That’s my question.

Alright one last little film recommendation and an ensuing ramble. Seems pertinent given the season we just entered.

This film is a documentary called: Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy. It just came out and I just finished watching it. It’s on Netflix. If fast fashion, corporate greed and consumerism are new topics for you, I think it’s worth checking out. Planned obsolescence. Consumer baiting, tracking and surveillance. Finding the new perfect object. The new shiny thing. As well as being told we need things we don’t. We’ve had the wool pulled over our eyes by marketers, massive corporations and tech companies. Lying by omission. Distraction. Plastics. Green washing. Staying a step ahead. Control. The narrative has been incredibly effective, tested over decades and we’ve all on some level fallen prey to the things these giant companies tell us, easing the mind of folks. Pacifying.

The business model depends largely on selling with the intention that the product needs to be replaced, creating waste, and then you give them repeat business. The amount of product/consumer goods that corporations just discard is boggling. What happens at the end of life for a lot of these items? Where is this magical “away”? These things all have to go somewhere. It shouldn’t be on the consumer, even if we need to curb some spending habits certainly, the bulk of the responsibility should be on the company that creates the product and often very insidious marketing strategies.

Something I remember thinking about/noticing when I started touring roughly ten years ago was how different cities worked out recycling laws and ordinances, how much variance there was and how it seemed like even if on the ground level things were being sorted, and some things were recycled, a lot just gets shipped somewhere else, outta sight - outta mind. Where does it all end up going? Cause it has to go somewhere. The answer isn’t necessarily the warm fuzzy picture that is painted.

Maybe I’ll make a career change into being a Waste Investigator.

In the meantime, I’m just gonna keep doing like our mama did; buy local, thrifting, buying with intention, quality over quantity. She was ahead of the curve on that.

It’s one reason I love guitars so much. They are built with a different business ethic in mind. Especially the older ones. Which unlike a lot of other things, sound better with age. Even if in need of some repair, usually they play better with age too. They are built to last longer. Honestly, I guess that’s why I like a lot of older things in general. Cameras. Vintage wears. You can really tell, the care and integrity these older products were built with. It was there still. At least for a little while.

Appreciate y’all sticking with me this long. The bottle of Syrah is gone and it’s getting pretty late. I’m a slow writer so while there is more I’d love to discuss and share, I’ll save it for the next entry.

Thank you everyone as well who chimed in on the question regarding the name change for this publication. I truly appreciate your input! There were some great points and suggestions. I had some healthy in person conversation as well with a couple close friends. Collectively that’s all been super helpful. Found out as well upon doing some prudent internet diving that a couple of the names I was floating were already in use, so that left me with: Coffee & Chords

Funny enough, that is essentially the name I had started this publication with but a more simplified version. Feels appropriate after being on here for a little over a year to streamline, refresh and make over.

Now for a little bit of housekeeping. Here are some upcoming dates:

11/30 this Saturday playing a solo set at PCH Wine bar, 10pm to midnight. Lompoc CA

12/6 Friday playing solo at 805 Charcuterie from 5-8pm. Santa Maria CA

12/7 Saturday playing solo at Arrowsmith Wine Bar from 7-10pm. Solvang CA

12/8 Sunday playing solo at Vega Vineyard from 12-4pm. Buellton Ca

12/14 Saturday full band show at The Cruisery, 9pm to midnight. Santa Barbara CA

12/15 Sunday duo set with Alexandra Riorden, house party. Santa Barbara CA (email or message for address)

I have another song I’m gonna leave for y’all as well. It’s a live in the studio take of a track that I’m working on for my next record. It’s Jess Bush on keys, Samuel Cole on drums and Wesley Hill on bass. We were in the room playing together, laying down the foundational tracks first. So vocal and guitar are scratch tracks. Nothings been mixed or comped yet. Still pretty ruff. I’ve been debating keeping this track for the album, I go in and out of liking it. Right now I’m liking it more than not. All things being equal, I hope you enjoy!

Appreciate y’all being here, reading through till the end and for your patronage, patience and interest. Truly means a lot. Wishing well this coming holiday season. Lots happening, I look forward to catching up soon.

If you like what I’m doing here, or want to just support, feel free sharing with a friend. Any new subs help and it all goes collectively towards keeping the lights on.

Thank you again and take care.

~ J

It’s Halloween. October is about over. By the time I actually finish and publish this, it’ll likely be November. Can’t believe that. Most folks I know are out celebrating in some form or another. While in part it sounds nice, maybe mingling a little with people I barely know, and some folks I’m getting to know better, I’ve been burning on all cylinders for quite some time now and a quiet minute sounds like the move.

I opted for a long walk in the new neighborhood. Trying to see where this coastal path ends. Followed it until it spilled out into another neighborhood, must of walked for a few miles at least.

Right now I have this one particular song stuck on repeat. That’s how my ocd tends to pop up these days, I’ll fixate on something, explore the feeling of it and just enjoy whatever it is about that tune that pulled me in. Song of Good Hope by: Glenn Hansard. Heard it randomly online while doom scrolling. The words are really hitting. The first verse especially.

‘If we’re gonna make it, cross this river alive, you need to think like a boat and go with the tide. And I know where you’ve been, has really left you in doubt, of ever finding a harbor, of figuring this out. And you’re gonna need, all the help you can get, So lift up your arms now, and reach for it.’

With the kind of year this past one has been, that resonates.

Picking up where I left off. I’ve been writing this current entry in chunks over a stretch of time. Go figure. That is how my life has been lately. One week of intense focus on something then switching gears to whatever the next thing is.

Often, I find myself daydreaming. Disassociating maybe.

I had this thought the other day about how my brain’s tendency to wander hasn’t changed or let up at all since I was a kid. It makes me feel sometimes like I’m still 12 or 13 years old. I’m learning to not hate that. There is a benefit when your brain is wired a certain way I suppose, which I recognize, however it does make navigating “normal” life sometimes more of a hassle then it needs to be. I still struggle with feeling guilty over the almost impossible task of squeezing my mind into a structure that likely doesn’t suit it.

No complaints really. Just reflecting.

It’s been quite a rollercoaster year hasn’t it? I’m very grateful to anyone who has stuck with me for this amount of time, looking forward to continuing to build and evolve this newsletter. I have some ideas for the future, we’ll see how that comes together. At the bottom I’ve included a an old demo of a song I found recently. Hope you enjoy and thank you to everyone and anyone who find themselves here. Means a lot.

Now for a coffee induced ramble, relating to well...coffee.

After a couple weeks of looking through boxes, reusable bags stuffed with random ingredients, a cacophony of recently released items from storage and the general frustration of trying to find one specific thing after moving, I finally decided to order some more Aeropress filters.

Things are a little all over the place.

My brother’s partner turned me onto another option for making coffee. French press is good. Pour over is great. Aeropress might be the best.

Today is the first day I’ve been able to execute this little ritual I have with coffee. It’s one more thing that helps this new place feel like home and helps me feel a little more steady.

Update: The french press broke. I’m living in Santa Barbara now. Storage unit is empty.

While sipping on this morning cup, in the not so back of my mind, I know that I’m procrastinating. I have a black belt in that. A masters degree. A doctorate. Slipping into random tangential thought and distracting myself with one thing when I should be focusing on another.

Maybe I’m just waking up. Yes, that’s likely it. It couldn’t be anything else. I’m trying to remember the non stimulant version of a medication that helps with ADHD, my friend mentioned it over the summer and I think it’s likely about time I give something like that a shot.

I must confess my guilt in not writing on here for a minute - I’ve missed the regular typing of words. The slow burn. More my speed. Simple and more wholesome somehow than a lot of the other platforms we mostly find ourselves performing on at one time or another. Helps you feel a little more present.

Flash forward.

Things have calmed down a little, I feel like I can get back into more of a rhythm again. I’ll say it one more time; I’m happy and truly grateful to whomever has continued to subscribe and follow along. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Touring twice back to back over the course of three to four months while also moving was, to use one word, exhilarating, but not a decision I would recommend lightly. It is what I needed to do for myself though, at that moment in time. I’m still playing catch up in a lot of ways. Still sorting through a lot. Throwing all your stuff in storage the day you leave for tour, after a snap decision that’s been brewing for a while, well - it’s a choice. Being on the road with Hot Freaks & Dante Elephante, then jumping right onto the Antonio Barret & Gardens and Villa run was really something. A lot of positive experiences and dynamic experiences. Grateful for the work and opportunity. As many ups and downs as tour life can have, there is a freedom that comes from having really no other choice other then to surrender to the moment, to where you are at that time, it almost feels like the only way to get by. To move forward day to day. I was able to focus on other areas in my life that I haven’t addressed for some time. Did a lot of internal work. Silver linings. Glass half full type beat.

As the dust clears, I’m very grateful for the area in Santa Barbara I’ve ended up. It’s a good change to where I’ve felt glued. Maybe Nashville or LA next. I’ve finally entered the phase in my life where I’m saying yes more to a variety of opportunities or situations that present themselves, just pulling on different threads and seeing where they lead. Trying to cultivate more growth.

Full disclosure though, keeping this busy has always been my way of processing tough situations, the changes and things life can throw your way - the most recent heavy thing being the passing of my mom, it’s been almost seven months now.

I think about her every day. I wish I could share with her the things I’ve been experiencing. Life in general. She’d love this spot and this area. She’d love the close proximity to the ocean and mountains. Reaching out for her thoughts or opinions is a hard instinct to fight. I miss her, greatly.

The sun is rising now. Listening to the sound of birds outside the window as I’m typing. A lot of hummingbirds hang out there. Another reminder of mom. It’s a Tuesday now. Daylight savings just happened, why that still is a thing is beyond me.

Another song I’ve been starting to enjoy a lot lately is one that my student is learning, always showing me the neatest little country gems. This one I hadn’t heard in a minute and upon hearing it now with fresh ears and a different perspective, it’s also going on repeat. The song is ‘Lookin’ For Love’ by: Johnny Lee, from the 1980’s motion picture Urban Cowboy. There are some other good ones on that soundtrack. Funny enough, I still haven’t seen the movie.

There is a bee now buzzing around inside, door was left open and I gotta go deal with that. Be right back…

I’m thinking of doing a little spring cleaning early with this newsletter, inspired by a friend who I found out recently is also on this platform - Jonie Online - worth checking out her Substack if you haven’t yet. Anyhow, there are a few things I’d like to tackle but first on that to do list is a name change. The name I’ve had for this publication since inception has been ‘Coffee & Chords with Cole”. I’m thinking of shortening it or coming up with something else entirely.

My question to you is; Do you think the name in its current state is too long? My feeling is yes, but I’d love your thoughts on it. The other options I’m juggling are:

1. Coffee with Cole

2. Coffee & Chords

3. Jacob’s Ladder

Let me know what you think in the comments below, would love and appreciate hearing from you! Open to suggestion. Whatever that may be. Even if a majority thought would be to keep the original name and chill out. Thank you kindly in advance.

Prior to all the craziness and everything that happened over these past few months, I finished a couple of recordings with my friend Grey Bear. One of them I’ve mentioned on here before. The other I just released this past week. The name of the track being ‘Waiting On Tomorrow’. Suffice to say it feels good to get something new out there in the world.

My friend Cecilia James did the artwork. I love how it turned out. Her work is always a favorite, one might say; chef’s kiss. You can find the song, if you haven’t heard it yet, pretty much streaming anywhere and everywhere. The other track ‘The Contender’ I did a soft release of back in June but I’ll be doing a proper release of that soon. Thinking the end of the month if I can get the funds together. It would be fun to do a music video as well, I suppose we’ll see.

This particular tune comes from a batch of songs I started working on during the summer of 2020. I kind of forgot about those songs and left them by the way side in favor of recording a newer batch of songs in 2023. That record is still in the works but for some reason around the time of my mom’s health really declining, I became inspired to revisit these older ones. For a variety of reasons, that cosmically I’m not totally sure of, it just intuitively feels right. I guess it’s all relative. Just got off the phone, as it happens, with my friend and recording partner Bear. I think we are gonna try moving forward to finally finish this original record. In truth I’d like to finish both albums as soon as possible but given limited resources, I have to go with my gut on this one.

The drums, bass and acoustic guitars are all done. So that leaves guitars, vocals and whatever additional instrumentation sounds fitting track by track. It’s all a head game at the end of the day but funny enough, and likely due to their age, I feel a little looser and less pressure on these tracks, like I can have a little more fun and stretch out. Hopefully that translates in a positive way.

In addition to getting motivated to finish some of my tracks, the Dante Elephante crew has also been working on a new record. The songs are all there, we’ve got parts more or less worked out - of course with some room for what can happen in the studio, just to need to head down to LA to start building on the recently recording drum tracks. Looking forward to that.

Dante also just put out a new live record. We recorded this over the course of a weekend in April 2023, live at Soho Music Club in Santa Barbara. Streaming everywhere. There is currently a pre-order going for the vinyl, which you can find here if interested - https://www.diggersfactory.com/vinyl/321540/dante-elephante-back-in-santa-barbara-live

Well now, I think this little catch up is winding down. Thank you dear reader for sticking with me this long. I look forward to continuing to share and hope that we can stay connected along the way.

It is also not lost on me that as I’m likely finishing these thoughts and words, this will come out on Election Day. As my friend said last night, Godspeed to us all.

Most folks who know me outside of this platform know I enjoy occasionally talking politics, conspiracy theories, societal matters and what not, however as a general rule, I tend to believe that most of the time participating in this online isn’t in the world’s best interest. For myself at least. On this level. Things can get distorted easily and taken out of context. We forgot about what it means to have a good faith debate or conversation. Things become emotional or personal at light speed and there is a level of civility that can be lost when staring at a screen. I believe we benefit more from diversity of thought in person, talking with other people in the room. Establishing things we have in common before moving into potentially uncomfortable territory, because at least then you’ll hopefully remember that in truth, and despite what the headlines say, we do actually have quite a bit more in common with one another then you’d otherwise believe. It might seem counterintuitive, who knows.

Something I truly value from touring over the years as a musician, is seeing this sort of thing first hand. I’ve learned from talking and meeting with a lot of different people, from all backgrounds and walks of life, about the capacity to which an individual can hold a surprising amount of varying opinions, values and beliefs that even just as recently as a few short years ago, we would of deemed improbable. The midterms in 2022 are a strong example of this. There is a real tangible dynamic at play that I find fascinating, and speaks to a greater realignment that seems to have been subtly happening for quite some time. Suffice to say, even though division seems to be encouraged by the powers that be, it’s hard to put anyone in a box.

For better or worse, people never seem to surprise me. Which is one reason why, regardless of who wins, and maybe naively, I’ll remain a little more optimistic. My own hope is that we can continue to find ways to talk with each other, especially with the folks you disagree with and find some kind of common ground. Once you get past the partisanship and divisive rhetoric, you might find it surprising how many people actually agree with you on more things than not. It’s a sliding scale of course, but to me that’s a start. Hope you’re able to vote your conscience wherever you are.

On that note, I’ll leave you with a quote from the late great Quincy Jones:

“You make your mistakes to learn how to get to the good stuff. Imagine what a harmonious world it could be if every single person, both young and old shared a little of what they are good at doing.”

Thank you again and I’ll see you on the other side. More coming soon. Best wishes with all and sending love out there.

Xoxo,

J

(P.S. Here is the promised track, from those 2020 sessions, False Pretenses.)

You’re always tired, sometimes just a little less tired. Writing at 12:45am post show in Houston, Texas. A lot of driving the past two days. We had to split it up. Eight hours yesterday and six today. Florida was a good time, nice playing in Orlando and Tampa. First time in Miami. Great coffee and food. We stayed at an Airbnb in Mississippi around the halfway point to our destination.

We played a sold out set at the White Oak Music Hall with Hot Freaks. Haven’t played here since 2019 when we were on tour with Summer Salt. A lot of energy and a good crowd. It felt nice being back in that part of Texas.

We’re on month two now of touring with the afore mentioned freaks of the heated variety. They’ve been a great bunch of people to travel around with, some of the most relaxed and down to earth folks we’ve encountered in this business so far. I’m gonna say this word quite a bit today, but - grateful.

Watching a little bit of this show called Catfish on MTV, trying to persuade myself to fall asleep.

Thinking about how funny, messy, frustrating and fascinating humanity is. Folks in general. This television program is a trip. I might be in the wrong field. Feeling disconnected a bit. Thinking about going back to school. Today’s google search was “how old is too old to go to college?” - Growing pains, more then your muscles aching?

I was homeschooled and tested early on to go to community college. I wanted to be involved with art in some way, I loved comic books and illustrations. Used to sketch things all the time, doodle randomly on anything, come up with cartoon characters. Sci-fi starships, different galaxies and worlds. Big imagination brain. When I was enrolled at Allan Hancock College and had been working on my final for an art class I was taking that semester and heard a cassette tape of Jimi Hendrix “Live at the BBC” - it floored me in a way that really compounded my already growing desire for and interest in the guitar. My relationship with that instrument and music changed quite a bit after.

(Update, just played San Antonio. It is now 2;17pm. Friday. It’s August? Lord, this year has been something else. I probably say this often but I can’t believe we are already eight months into 2024. We are driving to Dallas now for another gig before we head back to Austin.)

On the road a few days back my cousin Joel had a podcast on called Broken Record. This episode featured an interview with Michael McDonald discussing life, music and his recent book, What A Fool Believes. He must be in his 70s by now and what he was talking about certainly resonated. No matter what he has done, or given the breadth of his career, he still feels like he is looking for what comes next. Still figuring it out and trying things to see what sticks. Still searching. That, I guess, is one of the unspoken secrets in life - there is a myth that someday you figure everything out, and while that may be true for some, it seems like most of us are just on a continuous cycle of figuring shit out as it comes and perpetually learning, hopefully growing. I think hard work and focus are certainly part of getting somewhere but sometimes it seems like just a little luck, direction, letting go, surrendering, divine intervention or a combination of all of the above are actually what guide you to where you need to be, in the end.

(Update number two, just played Dallas at Club Dada. Fun show, good turn out. Good sound. Now back in Austin for our final show in Texas before heading north to Oklahoma City. It is 5:51pm, Saturday August 3rd.)

Sitting in a booth across from the bar at the venue we’re playing tonight in downtown Austin, Texas. Empire Control Room & Garage. It ain’t far from Stubb’s, a cool spot to catch music. Quite a few places though here around Congress and 6th are good for that. Drove down from Dallas earlier this afternoon. Parking was tuff. The heat has been oppressive, as Joel said. He ain’t wrong. We were also warned about a serial killer being on the loose around the area we are in, The Lady Bird Killer. Creates a little extra drama I suppose. Have to keep an eye on drinks, employ the buddy system and what not. Stuff you tend to do most of the time anyways when traveling like we are, however the added awareness is never a bad thing. Likely all will be well, fingers crossed, god willing and the creek don’t rise. Aside from that, should be a decent show.

(Update number three, Texas was a hoot and a half, none of us died, ended up staying with an old friend and hanging out in Austin a little longer, ran into some weather, drove hard to OKC for a show at the Resonant Head, followed by more heavy driving for a show at Blueberry Hill in St. Louis, MO.)

We are now in Wisconsin, outside of Milwaukee. Staying with the headliner bands family while we have a day off. Very grateful to be by a body of water, feels very healing here. Needed. It’s been good company, very grateful for this crew and the people on this tour.

The last two gigs before landing at this location were good. Great actually - especially for a Monday and Tuesday night. Both Oklahoma City and St. Louis were charming, each in their own right.

I was with the gang down by the lake for a bit, but decided to get a start on catching up with laundry, so figured in the meantime, can’t beat sitting on a patio overlooking this view while trying to catch up on some writing.

Some jazz music is floating up from the crew down a ways, by the lake. Didn’t swim today, maybe tomorrow. Got knee deep, the water feels great. This is a beautiful place. I said it already but I’m super thankful we had the opportunity to rest here. To get a little time to catch up.

Folks are coming back up now, the suns going down. Everyone is a few drinks deep, the conversation is easy and earnest. Tim (aka Pleasure Horse) busts out his acoustic, crooning some old country tunes and playing some nice finger style guitar. It’s been nice talking guitar/music with him and hearing his background. This is his first tour with Hot Freaks, I haven’t seen them live before this but he certainly seems to be adding a valuable piece.

Between a good dinner, an impromptu campfire, sharing in each other’s company while making s’mores, a hot tub visit and a place to sleep - it was a damn good day off.

Any of y’all have recurring dreams? I had one the other night, some of the details are a little vague. Somebody said once that dreams are windows into your other lives. What I remember is water and an island. Having to dive under to try and find something, something I don’t remember. I was given instruction not to head to a very deep and dark part of the ocean, under the volcanic mountain side of this isolated piece of land. I was told, if I wasn’t ready to see what was out there, to not go. I started to swim that way but instinctively felt a chill and decided to stay on task with the quest I thought I had been given. I remember the feeling of the place more than what I was doing though. Swimming through an underwater tunnel to a soft golden light. The scuba gear I was wearing was antique, it looked like something you’d wear if you were searching for Atlantis in the 1940’s. I think the significance of water is real, the whole dream felt familiar, I knew immediately I had waded through these currents before, picking up either where I left off last time or stuck on a loop until I understood how to unlock the next door. Woke up not long after.

Back to living outta of the van and various hotel rooms. Sipping on coffee, listening to strangers chatting and the sound of local news on in the background. Still in Milwaukee. We’ve got a day off again. Heading down to Chicago in a little while. Need to fix Joel’s bass. I gotta grab a few little things as well, strings and essentials. Grateful that I don’t have that much money, Chicago Music Exchange is always tempting.

Hope everyone who is reading this is doing well, thank you again as always for following along. I’ve got some pre-recorded lessons that I’ll be uploading soon for those interested. That’ll be under the paid subscriptions catalogue covering various topics, mostly geared towards some lead playing and fretboard mapping ideas. Things I’m always trying to work on as well. You never stop learning if you’re open to it. While I know what I can do on the guitar, I’m acutely aware of my limitations, always looking to improve on that. For me that’s actually part of the fun, part of where my drive comes from, there is so much room to continue to grow no matter where you think you are, that is all part of the craft.

The next dates and cities we have coming up on tour are:

8/12 Iowa City, IA

8/13 Omaha, NE

8/15 Denver, CO

8/16 Salt Lake City, UT

8/18 Boise, ID

8/19 Seattle, WA

8/20 Portland, OR

8/22 Sacramento, CA

8/23 San Francisco, CA

8/24 Santa Ana, CA

8/25 Los Angeles, CA

8/27 San Diego, CA

8/28 Phoenix, AZ

After that I’ve got a quick week off to move things from storage into my new place, if all things go well, then I’ll be hitting the road again for another short tour with a band that just hired me for some guitar on their west coast run. Excited for the opportunity and additional work, more on that soon. Grateful and continuing to try to cast the net as wide as can be, as a friend said.

Wishing y’all well, hope things are going good as can be. Thank you for reading along if you’ve read this far and I’ll be checking in sooner then later.

All the best,

Jacob

We haven’t been able to escape the rain. First in North Carolina, beautiful thunderstorms. Beautiful area around Chapel Hill. Trying to load out from the gig proved impossible. Just walking from the van to the venue left me freshly showered. At least it’s a tropical rain. With this type of weather I’m expecting to hear the theme from Jurassic Park any moment. Now we’ve followed that system or it’s followed us, but here we are with the rain in Georgia.

The prompt today, start writing. As simple as that is, it’s easier said then done. I finished filling up my journal. So while the way I write on here has been similar to how I’d vent things on the pages of a book, the next few posts will likely have even more of a stream of consciousness feel.

Tori Amos is playing in the hotel lobby. Cornflake Girl. Reminds me of the drive from Santa Barbara to Lompoc. The 101 to the Pacific Coast Highway. The way she plays the piano is focused and aggressive, pounding the keys like you’re playing a metal riff. I love it. The words drip with memory over the speakers.

Also, and in fitting with the weather, highly recommend the song Rainy Night in Georgia by: Brook Benton.

I appreciate everyone who reached out, commented, messaged and had kind words regarding my last post on here. Love you all. That truly means a lot. Grief is a funny thing. Since my mom’s memorial last month, I only feel like I can start getting back to processing this loss in my own way. I’m grateful for therapy and the tools I’ve learned there. Being a little more adept at letting myself lean into whatever feelings come bubbling up and not running from them or trying to control them or push them down. I had a dream with her in it the other night. That’s the first time that’s happened since she’s passed. I wish I could remember exactly what she said but her presence was full of light, radiating positive energy and beaming with a spiritual wisdom. I can still feel her in this moment. There is something calming about that.

Sipping on coffee now. Gigging tonight at the Masquerade in downtown Atlanta. Tour so far, about two and a half weeks in, has been smooth enough. When we were in Washington DC I had some gear issues. I had some cables that grew legs and walked out on me after NYC. That was issue number one. Then while starting to decompress and change in the green room the sound person came up, caught me with my pants down and told me my amp was making all kinds of strange noises. Once I finished putting on my 501’s I went back down to the stage and investigated. Sure enough, something strange was afoot. Did some quick troubleshooting and found that my Strymon Flint was introducing some serious noise and sonic artifacts into the signal chain. Definitely a bummer given the cost of those damn pedals. Grateful it wasn’t either of my amp’s. Also grateful I have a friend who was able to help me out while on the road. Shout out to Jack. I did a little repair work on the cables, bypassed the pedal and the shows since have been smooth. Fingers crossed.

It’s been a tight tour budget wise but making it work. Moving out before was a little intense but definitely the move. The folks subscribing on here help as well. Every bit always does, very thankful for y’all.

Ten shows down, Twenty four to go. After Georgia - we’ve got Florida, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Wisconsin, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Utah, Idaho, Washington, Oregon, California and then finally Arizona.

If anyone has any good coffee, music or thrift shop recommendation’s for any of the upcoming dates and states, please leave in the comments below.

Now time to shower and get ready for the rest of the day.

Wishing you all well wherever you are, will talk soon. Enjoy that summer feeling.

Lots of love,

~ J

I am outside of a Honky Tonk bar inside a casino in Atlantic City, NJ. Writing, catching up, thinking about my mom and her recent memorial. Thinking about family. Tearing up around strangers. I haven’t bought a pack of cigs yet, so that’s something. A day off. Needed. Drinking coffee that’s too expensive. Is it worth it? Well it’s all that’s around. Taking a chance to process. Thankful for that time now, though it ain’t always been the easiest thing.

One thing I’ve learned from this grieving process so far is; you never know when you’re gonna get hit with that wave of grief, so just let it come and try to embrace it as best you can. On the way into the city there was a sign on the expressway that said “Let the waves crash”. I suppose it’s a lot like that.

Decided to move rather last minute prior to hitting the road.

Everything is in storage now. What didn’t fit is either in my Chevy Astro or rotating back into thrift store circulation.

For a long time now I’ve been wanting and needing to shake things up, given all that’s happened this past year it seemed like as good a time as any.

Before my mom passed away we talked about that very thing. I asked her about what city sounded nice to her out of Santa Barbara, Ventura, LA or Nashville. She said anywhere but Ventura, for some reason, still makes me laugh thinking about it. Personally I like that city. Asking for her opinion on things though, her take, that’s something that I certainly miss most right now. I’m used to calling her or texting when traveling. Sharing the locations of where I’m going and where I’ve been. She loved to travel. She loved exploring places. She loved hearing stories. I’ve said this before, so forgive me for being repetitive, part of the reason I started this Substack was for her to live vicariously. Sometimes that’s why it’s felt a little tough to get back into writing more regularly on here.

Moving into this new place when I get back. It will be a welcome and needed change of scene. Kind of a shotgun decision but the way I figure, why not. It’s a good little opportunity.

At a gig before I left, someone who knew my mom from a long time ago came up to me and said I have a message from her for you. It felt a little like a from the beyond grave type thing. I wonder how normal that is? I’m sure there is good meaning or intention there, but it did take me aback temporarily. It’s funny how some people communicate their condolences. Death can make folks very uncomfortable and act in all kinds of strange ways. That said, I’m very grateful for the abundance of support and love that has been there. To everyone who has reached out, love you all.

Carrying my mom’s memory with me wherever I go.

Heading to New York City tomorrow.

Been on tour since July 8th. Living out of a duffle bag. As chaotic as this year has been, this part of life has oddly felt more routine. The music thing. Traveling from gig to gig. There is a certain level of comfort in the consistency of inconsistency.

First day of tour we had some van trouble, we were trying to make it from Southern California to Utah but ended up getting stuck in Nevada - the shifting cable had other plans. While pulling in to the gas station to fill up we realized we couldn’t get the van into park. It took a little bit, but after a quick google search and getting under the vehicle, I was able to finagle the cable back onto the transmission. The use of bandaids and duck tape provided a very temporary fix till we could get the car fixed properly. Simple thing, as it turns out, it‘s just the shop back in Santa Barbara did a piss poor job solving the initial issue.

116 degree weather that day, hell of a time to get stuck. Thankfully there was a spot across from the mechanics that had very functional AC and that we were able to make up the time by just driving a little harder, for a little while longer. Ended up making it to Chicago on time.

This current line-up of Dante Elephante is Ruben, Shrub, my cousin Joel on bass and myself. Joel has played off and on with Dante over the years, nice to be on tour with him again. Probably the longest run we’ve done together. We’ve got roughly six weeks left. It’s a certainly a haul.

Here is the full schedule.

Tour overall has been good. Hot Freaks are very down to earth folks, one of the easier bands we’ve had the pleasure of sharing a summer package with.

Good venues and turn outs so far. Still pretty early on in it but we’ve been seeing low ticket warnings for quite a few of these shows. That’s a nice thing to roll up to. No real gear issues, not like last time. Taking both my Princeton and Pro Reverb for amps, my old Strat and a bevy of pedals to help get the tones needed for this set. We have some newer songs we are road testing. That always feels good.

Overall now, feeling grateful for all the help along the way. From moving all my stuff temporarily into storage to friends and family on the road letting us crash with them or just meeting good people along the way.

I appreciate you dear reader for hanging out here in this space and continuing to follow along. Life is a trip, I’m very grateful to anyone and everyone that has found interest in this little music thing we’re out here trying to do. Your support means the world.

I’ll leave you with a quote that I saw in Ohio last week.

“I am you, searching to be free, the story of life is quicker then the wink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye, until we meet again.” - Jimi Hendrix

Will check in soon, till then - take care and stay outta trouble, or find good trouble, whatever floats your proverbial boat.

~ J

Lately, and by lately I mean the past couple months, I’ve been floating in and out of hard disassociation, depression and giving myself goals and things to focus on outside of helping to plan my family’s memorial service for our mom.

It’s been a challenge. Then again I guess that’s part of what grief and the journey that goes along with it is. A lot of things feel bland at the moment, so having something to work towards feels healthy. Grateful for therapy, grateful for friends and folks who check in randomly, grateful for having a space to myself to decompress and organize my thoughts. The little things, like coffee, are what get me up in the morning. It’s like feeling everything and nothing at the same time. Other times its a different experience. My therapist says what you’re doing is titration. That’s the word of the day. Word of the month.

I finished recording two new songs, one I shared here on Substack with y’all back when I first got this thing going last fall. The other is an older number I recently decided to rewrite and finish. One song is available now on bandcamp, along with an instrumental version. The other will be released as a “B-side” once I do a wider digital release. As of now I’m shooting for July 5th, just waiting on getting the masters back for the 2nd track and then I’ll send off everything for distribution.

I recorded and produced both of these songs with Grey Bear Erickson, always good to collaborate with him. My friend Cecilia James did the artwork, and my other friend Jasmine Gonzalez took the photo’s used for the artwork, like the one above. I’ve developed a fondness for the sport of boxing over the years and wanted to draw inspiration from old poster art. It is a brutal sport, all around, but for some reason I find it interesting and inspirational. Maybe it’s just me watching too many movies.

Played a full band show at Soho Music Club in Santa Barbara this past weekend. Appreciate everyone who came out. First time playing with my own band all year. It was a nice way to release some pent up energy. Opened for and played with Dante Elephante. It was fun being on both sides of the coin that night. Jess Bush on keys, my brother Samuel Cole on drums, Grey Bear on guitar and Wesley Hill (The Only Ocean) on bass. It’s a nice group.

Now my mom’s celebration of life is just two weeks away. That’ll be the main focus for the immediate future. Hard to believe. Lots of little details to take care of. Thankfully we’ve been doing some heavier lifting over the course of the past few months, so it ain’t hitting all at once.

Anyhow dear reader, I hope you are doing well. Is life going smoothly for you? Are you finding balance and joy somewhere? I truly hope so. I know there is a lot happening out there for everyone.

As always I appreciate anyone who is here, supporting, engaging, following along.

One of the reasons why I think a lot of artists or musicians get so far into communicating through an artistic medium is due to our inability to connect by conventional means. At least for myself, that’s always been a struggle and rings true. What drives, a lot of the time but not all, creative expression for me is a strong desire to connect. So thank you for tuning in. I’m very grateful to each and every one of you.

I’m gonna keep this post overall on the shorter end, but I’ll check back sooner then later. Trying to get back into the swing of things. I hope you enjoy the music linked above. If interested I have some dates coming up before summer tour with Dante.

6/15 at Arrowsmith’s Wine Bar, Solvang CA (solo)

6/20 at the Lompoc Flower Festival, Lompoc CA (full band)

6/28 at Savory and Sweet, Lompoc CA (duo)

6/29 at 805 Charcuterie, Santa Maria CA (solo)

Wishing well and talk to you soon,

J

It’s 2:12am. Sipping on a Modelo, I don’t know exactly why. I don’t really drink beer. One turned up in my fridge though, can’t say how - but like a cheap magic trick on a vacant night in Vegas, it just appeared. Sipping on it aimlessly. Crisp and cold for a time but I took too long drinking it. Now it’s transformed into a lukewarm and lifeless substance. A half full (or empty) can of soft relief.

Have you heard of that tv show Monk? The one with Tony Shalhoub as the obsessive compulsive detective. I’ve been watching that quite a bit lately. Mom loved that show. She always recommended it. I started watching earlier this year. It was something else we could connect on when talking about whatever else we happened to be talking about at that particular moment. It was a nice break from life. The heaviness of things. It was something fun to laugh about. She loved Tony. He was born the same year as mom, 1953. She’d probably get a kick out of that if she didn’t already know. She loved numbers, patterns and puzzles. Crosswords and sudoku we’re favorites.

Each episode is playing on automatic. I’m half watching now.

The impulse to text her about what season I’m on is as strong as ever. The instinct to call her when I’m on my way to a gig and have a drive ahead of me hasn’t faded. If I need to ask for an opinion on something. If I’m on tour and in a city I think she’d get a kick out of. If I’m out walking. To simply check in and see how she’s doing. To ask for advice. To laugh about something or maybe just to hear her voice. Instead - I scroll through old text messages we shared. Old pictures. Old memories. I find one message in particular that I saved from years ago. I read the words back over and over. They provide a little bit of calm. She was sharing an affirmation from one of her favorite books along with some wisdom. She was big on affirmations.

I’m on season seven now.

My sister Anna pointed out the blessing in disguise of modern technology, being able to look back on her posts. To hear her talking. To see her moving. Even during the hardest parts of living with her diagnosis, movement was a passion. There was a certain kind of peace and strength she drew from it. It helped keep her going.

Sometimes I like to think of her whole life was one unending, complicated and beautiful dance. Constantly moving in and out of different eras, different situations, good and bad times, beautiful moments and experiences shared by those who loved her and by those whose live’s she touched.

It’s been one month now since we had our last conversation. It was a Wednesday night. She was really tired but had a light in her eyes. A light I hadn’t seen in a little while. I know she had a rough morning, couldn’t sleep due to the pain but it sounded (and seemed) like the nurses and team had finally gotten that under control a little. By this point she’d been in the CCU for a few days. She talked about how tired she was, and how she just needed a break. Needed to recharge. Looking back there is always so much more you want to say in those moments. It was funny too, she insisted I don’t come to visit the next day, I was starting a new job in Santa Barbara and had a gig that night at Soho. She didn’t want me to miss those things or put my life on hold. She never wanted anyone really to fuss all that much. Never wanted to be a burden. Truly, she never was. I told her that but then just smiled, tears forming. It was a classic request on her part. Very representative of her personality. I did my best to honor her wishes, I’m still doing that, just doing my best.

We talked for a little while longer. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I was just trying to make her smile or laugh. To take her mind off of the reality of where things were. Rambling like a champ, I was talking a lot but not really saying anything. She listened and chimed in when she had the energy. Her voice was stronger then it had been, it was nice to hear her with a little bit of her old spark back. I had brought her flowers but they wouldn’t let me bring them into her room. Stricter rules this time around. The nurses she had were kind and very attentive though, grateful for that.

It was now after 8pm. I know she needed rest but I lingered for a little while longer, made sure she didn’t need anything else. We said I love you. I leaned over her bed then hugged and kissed her goodnight.

She passed away on Friday March 22nd. Two days after our last conversation. In the evening. My siblings, my father, my brother’s partner, we all got to be with her during those last few moments. Those last few hours. We had the chance to say goodbye. I know we are lucky in that way. I’m grateful for that. We were able to say I love you many times over. To hold her hand. To talk a little even though she couldn’t respond. I believe she knew we were all there. Sang a little bit because the nurses said that hearing is one of the last things to go. Whispered words. It was all hard. It still is. I’m still processing how that day and night went. Really, how that last week went and subsequently those last few months. How much she fought and for long she fought for. How she has finally found some relief. Some peace. She’s not in pain anymore and after five and half years of fighting cancer - every extra minute we had with her was a blessing. She can now rest easy. It was raining when we left the hospital.

They say the grief never goes away. You just grow around it. Grow with it. You keep on expanding as life continues. The feelings keep coming in waves. Big ones, small ones. I’m just trying to navigate them as best I can. Surrender to them. I guess that’s all anyone can do.

Haven’t written anything in a while. I’m still trying to find what normal feels like again. Every day getting out of bed is harder then it used to be, but I know she’d want us to keep moving forward in some way - So I do. That’s what makes me put one foot in front of the other. Right now I’m sharing this because it feels like the right thing. Tomorrow that might change. I think that’s okay.

Part of not saying more about it til now is that it feels like it just makes it that much more real. That much more concrete. It’s all still really fresh. It hurts. I know there are no rules to this kind of thing. You move at your own pace. You try to give yourself a little grace. I’ve been taking my time.

Trying to work again. The rent still has to be paid. The world keeps on turning. It’s a funny thing to think about, while dealing with this loss and pain - things just sort of go on, and then keep going.

I miss her every day.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has reached out and lent kind words. To everyone who’s been there. I can’t share my gratitude enough.

Wishing well to you all. If you love someone, tell them. Give them a hug. Keep spreading that feeling, that is something she was always trying to do.

Leaving you with some words from a book she loved called The Prophet by: Khalil Gibran.

“Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.”

Talk to y’all soon. Lots of love.

~ J