I married my husband because I thought it would make him stop drinking.

I told my family and friends, the internet, even couples therapy, the long list of justifications. Healthcare, protections if we break up, taxes, the ease of medical next of kin, or kids one day.

While all of those reasons are true, I am not sure if they were honest. I married him so if he was drunk, at least he was drunk with me. I married him at an attempt to have control over something that I cannot control. I married him because I am a good alcoholic’s wife. I have been taught by the best.

In the early seventies, $15.50 was the cost for my grandmother to do the thing women didn’t do, leave their alcoholic husband. My Grandpa woke up one morning, and Grandma Rose was gone. She took the kids overnight. But, she left my Uncle, her oldest, my Dad’s older brother. She only had enough money for three train tickets to California, taking my Dad, and his younger sister. $15.50, plus the price of a first born.

In 2002, gas is about $3.28 a gallon, and I am sitting in the backseat of my Mom’s car. The car is packed to the brim, overflowing with our memories, toys, clothes. My Mom is once again frozen at the wheel. The garage door is open, the car is on, but she can’t pull out. I stare up at the marker stain my brother made one long boring car ride after school, lightly tracing it with my finger. What if she had to leave one of us behind?

The night I met my husband, he was high.

I have never known a relationship where I wasn’t scared everyday for the health and safety of my partner. I hear some people can say differently, I can’t. When you choose to build a life with an addict, you are choosing to live everyday with a tinge of uncertainty, no matter how much trust and love there is, the disease makes all the rules. You don’t.

This uncertainty sits like dust on the shelf, a thin film on your hands, the tip of your tongue, the air that moves between you is only as crisp and clear as recovery.

When my Grandma Rose met my grandfather, he was drunk and shooting beer cans in the woods.

What does my Dad remember? Sitting on the Amtrak for days from the Appalachian mountains to California? Maybe he sat in a train staring up at the ceiling as I did as a kid in the car? Waiting? Tracing the air of uncertainty with his fingers? All of the managing of the uncertainty creates a sticky pressure…until it explodes. Rinse. repeat.

My twin brother and I came into this world via c-section because I wouldn’t let go of him. I was forcibly removed from my brother in the womb. From the very beginning, we had to be torn a part to survive, to be people who could flourish as two whole separate beings. My Grandma Rose knew the same thing. Maybe you have to break something open, tear it a part, so all the pieces can eventually heal.

When my mother met my father, he didn’t drink much.

My earliest memory of waiting up to see when a man would come home was eight years old. I got out of bed in my white cotton butterfly pajamas when I heard the car engine pulling in, and went to the kitchen to check the clock. 2am. I walked to the front door, and sat down on the couch, waiting so I could be the first to get a hug. I woke up a bit later, asleep on the couch. I checked the clock again. 4am. I opened the front door and tip toed out of the house. I walked over to the driver car door and up stretched on my toes, I peered in. He was sitting in the car, hands on the wheel, head back, mouth open. I walked around the big black shiny SUV and tried to open the passenger door. It was unlocked. I crawled into the passenger seat and onto my Dad’s lap, laying my head on his chest. A sigh of relief when I could clearly hear his heartbeat.

Before I was the alcoholic’s wife, I was the alcoholic’s daughter.

Throughout my life, I have become addicted to managing the uncertainty. It’s hard to look myself in the eye some days. I have washed away a lot, excusing the night before of waiting up and wondering, checking the clock. Because, how could I not? Down the sink every morning. Rinse. repeat.

I answer the cycle of “Why didn’t you tell me?” over and over. “I don’t know, it was just easier to deal with it. I’m fine. You don’t get it. It’s not so simple. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Women have superpowers. We can turn anything we touch to gold. We can also use this Midas touch to manipulate and control to get what we want, or the performance of what we want. I am not proud of that, but I have done it. I have lied, misrepresented, twisted a story, made excuses, over cared, over coddled, over enabled, and protected the character of a man who didn’t really care if he was worth protecting.

The night of our wedding party, my husband passed out on the sidewalk. My best friend and I had to get him into a cab and to the hotel safely. I made sure he was on his side. I stayed up all night making sure he was breathing.

In 2026, gas costs $4.48 a gallon. After a few years of recovery, we face the same crossroad. We have to break something a part, tear it open, so it can grow into something new. I move my stuff out of our apartment. I pack up my things in my car, a suitcase, my plants, some photos of family for my side table, a favorite candle. I sit in the car in the parking spot and stare ahead of me. I look up at the ceiling of my car. There is a small fade on the roof lining, I check to see what it is, tracing it with my fingers. I take a breath, fight back a tear, and switch on “early 2000’s hip hop”. I pull my car out of the spot, and start driving.

This past weekend, I said goodbye to my Grandma Rose. I am one of 14 grandchildren. I feel lucky to be a piece of my Grandma Rose. There are many memories and moments of Grandma that are dear to me. But, I think my most favorite memory was when I was a young theater kid.

My Grandmother would often come and visit us in Maryland for a few weeks. She would help my parents with whatever needed done in our home, spending time with us. She would pick us up after school, and take us on secret trips for ice cream (as any good grandmother would). My sweet tooth is definitely Grandma Rose’s sweet tooth.

One day after drama club practice Grandma picked me up from school. I got in the car quiet and sullen. She asked me how practice was and I told her that I was being bullied by some kids in the show. It was our production of The Music Man, and I took it very, very, seriously. I told her how I didn’t understand why the other kids didn’t, “Why don’t they care as much as me?”. She replied, “Don’t worry about those kids, you’re surrounded by another great cloud of witnesses.”

Grandma was a woman of scripture (becoming an ordained minister at 82), and at the time I didn’t know what she meant. Witnesses? I have since found out, Hebrews 12: 1-3.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us…”

My Grandma Rose taught me how to hold onto what is important, while surrendering to what is not mine to control; how to stay in my lane. She was a beautiful example for my whole family, showing us how to balance a life of both caring for those around you, and pursuing your own path of living a fulfilled, big, courageous, and happy life, that at the end of the day, is yours.

she is a place where

faith and love meet

carrying generations

around a table

echoed in the laughter of great grandchildren

and another year of song

my grandma

shares her lessons

in storytelling

in healing

in acceptance and prayer

my grandma rose

is a steadfast commitment

to hope

fortitude and strength

to resilience and resolve

may I be half the woman she was in this life

proud and heart centered, free

wears | madewell woven bag 🍃

I am a Madewell woven bag gal now! Thanks to the team over at MADEWELL Walnut St., I now have THE woven leather bag of Spring. I love that this bag can also become a clutch if you tuck the handles in, and you can also fit so much in it. The leather is great, and the handle is the perfect shoulder length. 11/10!

wares | tatine’s garden mint 🕯️

This is the best candle ever. I love it so much. Anytime it’s stocked at Walter Pine, I am sure to pick it up. It’s warm weather in a candle! Incredibly lush and herbal garden-grown mint gently braided with flowers, berries, ginger, pink peppercorn, and eucalyptus. Delicious.

Other tidbits:

• Currently reading ’s Famesick & Sonia Feldman’s Girl’s Girl, which you can now preorder. Highly recommend both!

• This weekend, May 17th. Check out FALLING FAST: A Musical Presentation by treadFAST dance co. Support artists TRYING! 🎭

• Phoebe and I have opened up advising sessions over at Do You Ever for launching your next big idea! Inquire about Creative Advising with us here. ⁠⁠⁠⁠

Ok bye!

Jacque xx

On the pod this week! 🫛

IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME YOU’LL LEAVE A REVIEW, A RATING, OR YOU’LL SHARE AN EPISODE WITH A FRIEND.

Do You Ever Feel Like

Trio Friendships w/ Sonia Feldman

Iconic friend trio loading! This week on the pod we welcome author and bedroom culture correspondent Sonia Feldman 👏👏👏. We chat the insanity of a friendship trio, girls trips, the charged intimacy of teenage bedrooms, and The Sims. Plus a quick debrief on girl boss behaviour, Timothée Chalamet’s courtside, Olivia Rodrigo’s Versailles outfit dress, an…

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6 months ago · DoYouEver

Every year we gather to watch celebrities win silly awards, orchestrated by the very people that are making evil decisions and once again, destroying the entertainment industry (and also are like… in the room? weird). Each year feels more and more Hunger Games adjacent. Especially the Oscars campaign - with luncheons, meetings, brand events, dinners, press, what are you wearing? etc etc.

19.7 million people watched the Oscars live last year, which might seem like a big number, but...it’s not. To compare, the Super Bowl in 2025 had a viewership of 127.7 million viewers. 👀 Not to mention, the Oscars are the last stop on the award show brigade, so most of the time we have a sense of what’s up and folks have become a bit bored by the time March rolls around.

Not to mention, film lovers are becoming more and more fed up with the industry, Hollywood celebrity, and the attention economy. See the Timmy T virality in the last week. 😬

“Actors like Timothée and filmmakers like Christopher Nolan wax poetic about the importance of movie theaters. Yes, they’re vital to the industry and the medium’s strength of creating an intimate communal experience that regular ass people can afford to attend. (Or at least should be able to.) I would pose a question to such film-workers, why should audiences still support American films when so few of them are worth the time it takes to watch them and these works refuse to engage with the idea(l)s various audiences genuinely care about? Timothée’s energy is better spent preparing his peers for another demonstration of labor action than publicly dunking on other art forms he has neither the skill nor interest to participate in.” -

Yep. Go read this piece by the incredible . 👏

So… why the hell watch the Oscars you ask?

Because I love it. I love the unpredictability of live shows. (On that note, f the BAFTA’s said it right). I love it when a camera cue goes wrong. When Moonlight won instead of LaLa Land I was on the edge of my seat. When Viola Davis won for Fences my college friends and I leapt off the couch. When Jennifer Lawrence fell down or when Frances McDormand yelled “inclusion rider” I GASPED. When Parasite won Best Picture, I got a noise complaint from my neighbor (I ran around my apartment screaming). I still quote Olivia Coleman’s acceptance speech when she won for The Favourite, “LADY GAGA!” Delicious.

In short, I am a chaotic theater kid that can’t get enough live drama. I practiced my acceptance speech in the mirror as a child, and still do to this day. And if you have never done that, I am sorry to say, you simply do not understand. If I am an Oscar pilled idiot submissive to the promise of “making it”, so be it.

Part of my yearly misguided Oscar obsession is to watch everything I possibly can, and at the very least - all of the Best Pictures (lame). In this year’s watch I noticed that the Best Pictures have many thematic similarities, and I think further reveal the temperature of Hollywood and the film industry . There were many shared character arcs, plots, references, in comparison to previous years.

Note, these are the things that an unqualified film lover (me) and my artist pals noticed. Do with them what you will.

Twins

Okay, I am a twin. I walk around wearing my twin title with pride, thank you. So, this may just be a me thing. But, I do think there is something interesting about how many twins we have in this year’s Best Picture nominees.

Smoke & Stack in Sinners | Ryan Coogler mentions that the twins were inspired by Ibeji, the divine twin deities from Yoruba mythology. The Yoruba people have an exceptionally high rate of twin births.

Hamnet & Judith in Hamnet | Hamnet & Judith were the children of Anne Hathaway and William Shakespeare. While dramatized, both children did get ill, and Judith got better, to live until her late seventies, while Hamnet died at eleven.

Twins are an incredible metaphor for duality. For the both/and. When they are used as a device in storytelling, it is usually to demonstrate the double nature of the self, and in turn, the ways in which we try and wrestle with difference. Whether spiritual, magical, defiant - twins are often there to reveal an injustice, challenging the “rules” of the world around them. I do not think this is a coincidence. I think our world needs more of this.

A Play within a Play

Arguably every single best picture this year has a story within a story. We are making a story while we tell a story. Some notables.

Hamnet | This needs no explanation.

Sinners | Performance is used within the narrative as not only plot, but building the world of the film, with culture, history, and folklore. Sinners has been compared to musical theater (yep).

Sentimental Value | A movie about making a movie for the things that are hard to say.

Marty Supreme | The performance of athletic competition. Plus, the life of an actor with Kay Stone’s character (the scene when Marty gives the theater cast a dramaturgy lesson).

In theater, the play within a play device is used to teach lessons to the characters with the inner story often having a symbolic significance for the characters in the outer story. The inner story also reveals something to the audience a character doesn’t understand…yet! With so many of these film’s this year, we take it a step further to demonstrate the sacrifices artists make to tell a tale, and the healing power of the process of creating art.

We have to protect art-making, not just for historical context, but because it is vital to our processing as humans.

Surveillance & Dystopia

The Secret Agent | The dangers of authoritarianism, regime, and the crumbling of democracy.

One Battle After Another | Off grid living, revolution, and a militarized society.

Bugonia | Paranoia, climate change, and aliens. Need I say more?

Frankenstein | One of the first stories of dystopian fiction about the advancements of technology on the hands of human beings, wrapped in a horror film.

I do not think this really needs explaining — warning signs.

I didn’t mention F1 (for obvious reasons).

Best Picture Prediction 🏆

The votes are in! I asked the people (my IG follows) who they thought would win best picture this year. Sinners, Hamnet, or One Battle After Another.

What is your prediction? Sound off below!

✨🫶🛋️💖🏆🎥 No plans for the Oscars!? Come hang with ✨🫶🛋️💖🏆🎥

Oscars Party Livestream with | Sunday, 7pm EST
Join the gals from your couch (the only place we know you wanna be) for games, commentary, interviews, shenanigans, and other fun.

This is no longer happening. But, I will be yapping on my stories - come hang! ✨

Xo,

Jacque

ME LORE | 30 days of sharing online ❤️

A Big Fat Guide to having fun on social media for the sake of promoting your art, your business, or your big, beautiful ideas! Below you will find prompts, shot lists, inspiration, and a whole lot of cheerleading to get out of the rut of talking about your work online, start to have fun, and other magic that happens on the other side of ✨ sharing your art ✨.

💫Grab your notion guide here 💫

Do You Ever Feel Like

✨ what if you had fun? 💫

I promise this isn’t the do you ever figure skating recap (you can listen to the pod this week for that) I promise I have a point! I have watched 💆🏻‍♀️ so much Olympics 💆🏻‍♀️ this year. As a “not sport person” I see so much of myself and my craft in the Olympics. It feels weirdly relatable and simply human. Despite whatever weirdo pseudo rivalry the…

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8 months ago · 22 likes · 3 comments · Phoebe Taylor

Sources are linked.

📸 Christian Belgaux, Variety, Hollywood Reporter, Rolling Stone

What I did for my art in the last 3 (lol) weeks: Got a callback for one of my favorite plays (happening tomorrow - wish me luck!), finished my artist website, and sent in many content and essay pitches (with 1 response so far!), gathered with artists inside The Academy over at my day job, shared projects I did in 2025, and wrapped 30 days of posting online - which shares all about here.

where’s | a reflection on staying true to you ❤️

I have done quite a few things I “shouldn’t” do lately. From passing on an actual paid writing column that wanted me to push products for advertisers (when writing about nannying and childcare, ew) to telling a casting director thanks but no thanks when they gave me a very offensive note and asked me to resubmit again. 😊

My guiding phrase for 2026 is piss people off. Let me explain. I am not trying to be overly confrontational or purposefully inflammatory. The people pleaser in me needs to think about it this way to 1. tell my brain I can handle whatever it is I am avoiding by not being honest (most of the time true intimacy, yikes) 2. be a truer version of myself. These things are a vital part of being an artist, and one could argue, the whole entire point.

I am glad I am doing this. The biggest difference I am seeing is that my work and art opportunities, ideas, projects are shifting, becoming more aligned, I can really feel it.

If I stay true to what it is I am trying to do as an artist, creative, human on the planet, if I shout it from the rooftops, wearing my true self with “TAKE ME FOR WHAT I AM” pride then, unsurprisingly…people/publications/casting agents/interviewees/clients know what to do with the most authentic version of me. This is more “right”, true, fair, and kind to my collaborators, my relationships, and to myself.

This does not come without grief, very uncomfy feelings, and talking to the little Jacque inside every single day (she’s okay guys). But, it’s so worth it.

wears | thrift finds 👚

I went to visit Grandma P. earlier this month, and the thrift store served up two cute tops, both from the men’s section. I am loving watching Love Story, but resisting the CBK trend. I was a neutral queen for .5 seconds and got bored. Color forever!

wares | the office/hole/studio/playpen 🏡

Essentially DONE as I add my last bits - hanging things on the walls! I do not hang things, my house John does, but the curtains are up, my cork boards are finished, and the gallery wall has commenced. Stay tuned for a grand tour and much before + after content. ✨

Other tidbits:

• Love Story soundtrack forever 💕

• I am making my way through all the Oscar nominated documentaries - The Alabama Solution + Come See Me in The Good Light are required viewing.

• If you have a background in childcare, education, social services, or the time and energy to commit asking, “What can I do?” - consider becoming a Volunteer Child Advocate with Young Center for Immigrant Children Rights. A Volunteer Child Advocate is an adult who spends time with, and advocates on behalf of an individual unaccompanied immigrant child while they are in government custody and subject to deportation proceedings. Next info session, March 2nd!

Ok bye!

Jacque xx

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Do You Ever Feel Like

Childhood bedrooms 🧸

Welcome to our secret Johnny Depp poster in the closet, aka CHILDHOOD BEDROOMS! We chat about how our mother co-opted our childhood bedrooms and tbh, we didn’t hate it. It seems we all just return to what we liked when we were like 6…

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8 months ago · 1 like · Phoebe Taylor and Jacque Wills

wears | bag charms ✨

I originally thought bag charms were dumb. I am very okay with being wrong and very late. I want to make my own.

I am headed to Holly Simple’s Trinket Bar Workshop. Holly creates really fun containers for community, crafting, and meditative sifting. At a recent pop up, I created this necklace with the help of her magic eye.

where’s | the flower show 🌸

I am headed to The Philadelphia Flower show later this month! The place to see and be seen in Philadelphia in February. At least, I like to think so. I am THRILLED for the theme this year, Rooted: The Origins of American Gardening, exploring the personal stories and cultural traditions that shape gardening today. I have a discount referral code to share with my readers, for 10% off entry. Comment PFS on this post, or respond to this email.

wares | painting lampshades 🛋️

Hey, why are lampshades $549589250?! Asking for a friend! I am currently on a mission to not have any white lampshades in my home. So far, it’s moving slowly. But moving! Stencils are working (and Phoebe recently told me I should use a sponge brush!), and I am thinking maybe a stripe on the pink one? Tbd.

Other tidbits:

• I am reading Confrontations by Simone Atangana Bekono right now. It’s stunning.

• Catherine O’Hara! What a legend. 😢 "I’m drawn to playing characters who are terribly flawed and have no idea about it.”

• Keep those calls up - it’s working! Check out ’s work - and our next lists of demands. 📞

• Later this week look out for an essay all about this year’s award nominated films and all the weird overlaps I have tracked like a mad scientist in a lab. 🔬

Ok bye!

Jacque xx

Listen to the pod! 🫛

IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME YOU’LL LEAVE A REVIEW, A RATING, OR YOU’LL SHARE AN EPISODE WITH A FRIEND.

Do You Ever Feel Like

1-800 Karen Mode

Lock in girls we’re dialling 1-800 and Karening for a CAUSE. It’s customer service time.🕴️Plus Jacque’s sandwich encounter, living in movie sets (again) and we’re quite booked and busy in Q1 with all of our cultural topics to dive in and explore (would the Globes staff like two new writers for 2027…

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9 months ago · 4 likes · DoYouEver

Thanks to everyone who has replied to share that they are appreciating the new format. An experiment!

Art check in. What I did for my art this week: solo residency interview, bookkeeping, edited content (yep, this is for my art), saw a play, selected new headshots for editing, and wrote an essay about how the middle class artist is holding on for dear life.

wears | Black Satin Pants

The other day I found myself googling satin black pants, when I already own them. So, to the best shop around (my closet) I went. These pants were feeling a bit dated to me before I had a little style session. Now, I feel I can wear them and even like them!

I styled 3 looks with the pants - a casual, something a little more polished, and an event look. Here is the first, with a few links.

Everlane Pants, Olga Ella Shacket, Celebrated Summer Graphic Tee, Yes Glasses, Similar Sneaker

where’s | Liberation

I saw Liberation over the weekend! Wow, theater. I have heard some criticism about this play - that it isn’t necessarily saying anything “new”. Which I think might be entirely Wohl’s point? I found the way the play used story and structure really inspiring, and it gave me a lot of ideas for solo storytelling. Which I can only assume is how this piece started. The ensemble! I was really impressed with everyone, but Susannah Flood and Kristolyn Lloyd were phenomenal. I love theater that explores how we understand our own choices, through our memories, and those who have come before.

wares | Cork Board Project

Ok, handy babes, roll up! 🚗

I want to do a wall of cork board in the new office, but I can’t do a self adhesive roll right onto the wall, because I can’t stick anything on the walls that won’t easily come off. So, I am thinking of doing a self adhesive cork board roll on a very large piece of foam board and then hanging that on an entire wall. Has anyone done anything like this before? Will I need something else to bond the cork roll to the foam board? To the reuse center I go for the largest piece of foam board I can find!

Other tidbits:

• Go Fund Me to support families in Minnesota, sent to me by my friend Natasha.

• Send me your ring light recs please! Your girl is entering her content era (unapologetically).

• Sentimental Value is such a stunning intimate film. Watch it!

Ok bye!

Jacque xx

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Do You Ever Feel Like

A sleep routine for an old lady

It’s old lady podcast central because we’re talking , sleep. Who’s sleeping? Not us! Some chat on I Love L.A versus Too Much (Lena Dunham come on the pod!) Jacque is in town and we accidentally time traveled to the black lodge in twin peaks with the amount of ookey spookey paranormal activity that is A FOOT! This week we chat SLEEP. Our old lady sleep routines, sl…

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9 months ago · Phoebe Taylor and Jacque Wills

Come plan your projects for the year! ✨

Join us for Big Fat Creative Project Planning Party 2026 ✂️ | Thursday, January 29th, 7pm EST (will be recorded!)

We will be using our very own DYE notion planning system – the same one we use to plan production of videos, write plays, stand up routines, launch web shops, launch services, and GET SH*T DONE! Map out your creative genius, have a plan for when and what, and see your projects come to life this year. 🥰

wears | jeans

A ring the alarm sign of spending money I don’t need to spend is when I find myself googling a very specific set of search words for an item. This signals to me that I am obsessing over finding the perfect “thing”, which usually means for whatever reason, I feel like what I do have doesn’t “work”.

Ever since learning from , I have started a rule of investigation first, buy after. Learning about the make and fit of clothes is the most important part of curating a closet. This week I pulled out all my jeans and stuck them on my chair in my room with the goal of wearing a pair a day until I am through the pile to figure out 1. what actually is in my closet 2. what I gravitate towards and feel good in 3. how to style different shapes, washes, and fits

What I have learned (so far) is that I do not own any belts, I really only wear the pairs that have a lot of stretch, and I should only ever be trying to find a petite, cropped, or short jean. 28 inseam to be exact! Cringe to say I am a 33 year old woman and finally know my inseam.

where’s | leaving the house for free

I have been thinking about ways to leave the house and enjoy the city, but not spend any money. Here are a few ideas that are on my list for the winter!

The Barnes Foundation | Free Admission First Sunday of the Month

Old City First Fridays | Galleries open free every First Friday of the Month

Fringe Arts Scratch Nights | PWYC Work in Progress Night

PFS Community Film Screenings

I am going to try to plan free and low cost outings in the calendar first, and then ask a friend to join if I want company.

wares | office furniture

I am determined to decorate my new work space “the hole” by way of 1. Things I already have 2. Free or low cost items. 3. Stoop shopping. Things I already have include a rose pink footstool someone put out on their stoop, my white West Elm desk, a rug pad, and an Ikea cart.

Cork board. I want to do a whole wall in cork board. Checking out the Philly reuse center for that next.

Other tidbits:

• I am going to see Liberation next weekend. Will report back!

• Tiny mics. If you’re thinking of jumping on the tiny mic parade, I really like these *Rode mics, and yes I shall be yapping into a mic way more in 2026, be ready to be sick of me.

• Gaza Circus School - Donate to support this incredible group of artists bringing joy through clown and performance.

Ok bye!

Jacque xx

Listen to the pod! 🫛

Do You Ever Feel Like

new year new girlos

Happy New Year girlies! We’re back! Year of the pod continues which means we have MUCH to say. Like everyone else we discuss our ‘ins’ and ‘outs’ for the year. We catch up what we got up to over the bear (Heated Rivalry, duh!) and what craft related crimes were committed (Calico Critters!) Plus the comment section, Phoebe accidentally keeps going viral …

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10 months ago · 2 likes · Phoebe Taylor and Jacque Wills

Come plan your projects for the year! ✨

Join us for Big Fat Creative Project Planning Party 2026 ✂️ | Thursday, January 29th, 7pm EST (will be recorded!)

We will be using our very own DYE notion planning system – the same one we use to plan production of videos, write plays, stand up routines, launch web shops, launch services, and GET SH*T DONE! Map out your creative genius, have a plan for when and what, and see your projects come to life this year. 🥰

wears | headshot wardrobe

Pulled out diva glam Jacque and went to get new headshots by the incredible Nicole of Portraits by Souza that I can’t wait to become my whole personality in two weeks time (there was a hair fan, get ready). I am proud to report I was actually prepared, notes app in hand, with a breakdown of looks, backdrops I wanted, and a disco playlist. If you’re getting actor headshots done, can’t recommend Nicole enough.

Nicole’s binge sessions are super smart - not only are they affordable, but you have no choice but to leave your self conscious self at the door and just GO because there just literally isn’t time for perfectionism - we love to see it.

I have been on the thrift to find a (faux) leather blazer/jacket with a great collar shape, front pockets, and a bit of a crop. Found this one *on ThredUp over the holiday break and it has more than delivered for $17. ✅

wheres | new space!

Starting off the year with a new office and studio space. It’s been only a week and I can already see a difference in the way I work.

It’s windowless and small and I imagine people opening the door to see me going MAD SCIENTIST inside, but I am ready to make it a whole vibe and have a dedicated space for my creativity, my job, and many a self tape!

wares | a toy vacuum

My vacuum has been completely dead for a month and never coming back even if I try and repair. So! I bought the silliest little vacuum (still in the box!) from Facebook Marketplace while I give myself the gift of time to really figure out which #adult vacuum I want to go with, and I needed something that I could use in between because the dust bunnies were A FOOT. Um… this thing is magic? Never would I have ever thought *a teeny weeny vacuum that looks like it was made for imagination corner toddler land could do well, anything.

BOY WAS I WRONG. It’s light, it fits in small corners, it has a hand vac option, it’s not cordless (never will I ever own a vacuum without a cord again), and it sucks up everything like when Twister got a hold of that cow. To the my new office it will (eventually) go!

Other tidbits:

• I saw Hamnet - I am forever changed.

• I fear The Pitt might let us down this Season? I’m scared! Did you watch? Thoughts?!

• As Chelsea Fagan reminds us, don’t be a loser - we can all DO SOMETHING.

Ok bye!

Jacque xx

*this post may contain affiliate links

Hi, Jacque here 👋. Welcome to the fourth edition of this collaboration. If you didn’t catch our other posts, see them here, here, and here. We have been working on different ways to fall in love again with our clothes, and our closets.

This year, the very talented reached out and asked me to try a new offering in her now IRL studio, Home Ec NYC. I had no idea that this would then turn into a newfound awareness and appreciation for my beloved things - for my clothes, for the way garments are made, for the items I already love, for my own personal style, and for a now stunningly clear awareness of my own consumption.

This entire project felt like a coming back to myself, because ultimately if you’re making your pants fit YOU, or reimagining a beloved already own piece, what you’re actually saying to your brain, your body, your creativity is - “You’re enough.” We don’t need more.

CHAOTIC UNBOXING!! 🎁💕

Last Q&A! 😭

Hillary, what did you learn from this experiment? And, tell us about the new studio!

Since you live in Philly and I’m in New York, we only had one fitting, which isn’t typical for me, and everything turned out great! I usually like to have a bit of back and forth when it comes to fitting garments. I prefer to tweak something, try it on, tweak something else, try that on, until it’s just right.

Before the covid lockdown, I would have scoffed at the idea of teaching sewing virtually. It’s so hands-on! But I’ve been able to do it successfully for years now. I think this works well for me because of how specific I’ve become with the language I use for teaching.

Through this reimagining process with you, I’ve learned that I can meet with clients just once either in person or virtually and still get great results!! That’s really exciting and means anyone, from anywhere, could send me pieces to revamp for them. Yay for me, yay for them, and yay for Mother Earth!

And great news - now I can actually handle this influx of work because I just opened my own studio here in NYC called Home Ec NYC!!!! For years, when I wasn’t teaching virtually, I was running around the city, meeting with clients, teaching, and schlepping from the garment district to here, there, and everywhere. Now I have a home base for all of my design work, workshops, and lessons. I couldn’t be more excited (and honestly, a little terrified). Of course I am walking the walk and furnishing the space with as many repurposed, second hand, vintage items as possible!

This has always been a dream of mine — something I thought might be out of reach — and now here we are. Classes are on the schedule, and my books are open for more cool collabs like this!

Jacque, when you think of the possibilities that have been unlocked through this process - what is your biggest revelation?

I think what I really started appreciating through this process is how the things I love are made, but also the time that goes into anything worth having. A meal, a piece of furniture, or a tote bag, everything that takes time is something to keep forever. I also am now wearing my clothes WAY more. I used to express myself so much more through personal style, and this project has brought that back for me tenfold. I feel like I am moving away from a cute outfit feeling like an “accomplishment” vs. a given to show myself everyday that I value myself and how I show up and express myself. I can shop my own closet - I can update what I already have to help it feel more present, more me, more relevant. I can pause before I add to cart. Huge!

❄️💝 Support the artists in your life this gift giving season! ❄️💝

• has a new IRL workshop on the cal with Isabelle Levine!

In this special post holiday edition, you’ll make your own That’s A Wrap Robe - the perfect piece to start the year lounging in the glow of the holiday hangover. Using the original Forest & Thread paper pattern and an optional all-inclusive sewing kit, you’ll learn to create a beautifully finished robe great for all genders. This workshop is beginner-friendly, perfect for sewists who want to unwind, make something luxurious and useful, grow their sewing skills and celebrate the season through the joy of making. New year, new skills baby!

LEARN MORE

• Gift a Green Room Subscription of ’ podcast, ! The green room gals get access to unedited gossip and artist study eps. 💚

GIVE THE GIFT OF A GOOF

Here is a list of everything I did, ate, (I wish I could say wore, no photos lol) and loved from some recent travels. 💕

New Hope // A day in the gayest small town in PA (yes, please!)

where’s New Hope, PA is so adorable and is a quick budget friendly day trip from Philly. The main street, the cottage homes, the fact that almost every business had a sign saying “no strollers”. Bliss. The food was very good at Karla’s, we grabbed some treats at Country Fair Chocolates, the theater and riverwalk were stunning - really want to go back and see a show at Buck’s County Playhouse.

wears & wares We stopped into The Meaning of Things, one of the best curated shops I have ever been into! Also, Night Bird Vintage had a great selection of finds.

Canada // A long weekend in Montréal, and then a few days in Ontario.

where’s Montréal has incredible food. We loved the coffee from Café Reine Garçon, had an absolutely delicious meal at hum (order the tacos + rose mocktail!), the scallops and seafood at Garde Manger were 11/10. We also saw the Berthe Weill exhibit at the Montréal Museum of Fine Arts, a stunning collection of works. We spent the last part of our trip in the adorable river towns of Stratford and Paris. We walked through the charming Shakespeare Gardens, had ice cream at Jenn and Larry’s, saw a show at Stratford Festival, and popped by Wincey Mills.

wears & wares Paperole for some beautiful stationary, Kapara Vintage, Nuage Vintage, ANDE, Middle Sister Vintage, for Canadian designers and vintage finds, The Little Green Grocery in Stratford was adorable.

Chicago // Once back in Philly, I hopped on a plane to spend the next weekend in Chicago.

where’s I was there to celebrate a friend’s wedding, which was hosted at LOU LOU, the event space run by the infamous Lula Cafe, and everything about the night was so. good. The space is minimal, organic, but also artful. The service was great, and the open kitchen setting was really fun. It was a beautiful night full of family, love, joyful tears, and excellent food.

I also got to spend some time nostalgic for my living in Chicago days, because a friend let me stay at theirs for the weekend. We stopped by Thai Pastry and Metropolis Coffee (two post grad favorites) and walked around my old lakeside neighborhood of Edgewater. Winthrop, I missed you.

Thanks for being here, there, and everywhere with me.

Xo,

Jacque

💬 Join The Search, a paid subscriber only chat for your next find.

A recent search 👀 was looking for a trench coat for the fall! Phoebe gave me the ingredients: vintage/pre owned, all weather, traditional shape with a bit of personality - and this is what I found:

Don’t want to mindlessly scroll through Netflix’s recs? Shopping online? Your local theater companies’ season? Marketplace, Depop? Drop in your ingredients (style, budget, experience, time, aesthetic vibe), and I’ll search high and low for your next great find! This is a way you can support my creations (this Substack, writing, being an auditioning actor), and find your next favorite where, wares, or wear.

Do You Ever Feel Like

Green Room Ep #2

Hello girlies we are back in the Green room to GOS. We are TECHNICALLY on our summer break, but we were gaspin for a gos with the girlies, so here we are…

Listen now

a year ago · 2 likes · Phoebe Taylor and Jacque Wills

Early Summer was buzzy, but peak Summer is slowing, finally. The heat makes everyone and everything slow down to a pace I actually want to operate at, sluggish. I have carved out some time to slow, from beach days in Cape May and Asbury Park, to a visit to my Mom’s, with even a few days solo and poolside. 😎

wares // summer mocktails

I have been loving a 6pm mocktail hour to end out the work day. I don’t know about you, but I can’t possibly have my Summer spritz mocktail in just any old glass sitting in my cabinet. I was gifted the ever popular icon tumbler for my birthday. The lemon lime, obviously. I was also gifted a great glass straw set to go with, and I have been having a time making all kinds of recipes that take all of 5 minutes. My faves below!

Watermelon Basil Mocktail 🍉

1/2 cup cubed watermelon (strain the juice), 1/2 cup cucumber, peeled and sliced thin in 1/2 cup sparkling water (let it sit!). Pour over lots of ice, 1 tbsp fresh lime juice, 2-3 fresh basil leaves, torn. Cucumber ribbon and mint, for garnish, if you want!

Strawberry, Lime, Guava Mocktail 🍓

1/2 cup strawberries (muddle), mint (muddle), add lots of ice, 1 tbsp fresh lime juice, 1/2 cup sparking water, 1/4 cup of guava juice. Add frozen strawberries or lime for garnish, if you want!

where? // plays + coffee shops

John Proctor is the Villain

I was so happy to see Sadie Sink in one of her last performance’s of John Proctor is the Villain. I cannot recommend this play enough. It cuts through you in an all encompassing angst, perfectly demonstrates what it’s like to be a fifteen year old girl in America, while also being a party and a half. So good, and only running through September 7th!

A Raisin in The Sun

I went to see my dear friend in A Raisin in the The Sun at The Philadelphia Shakespeare Festival. Wow! First, I have never been to the festival. What a treat! Second, I have seen a lot of productions of this monumental force of a play, from community theaters, to bigger houses, and this was by far my favorite. It was beautiful, intimate, playful, and scathing. Need a weekend plan? Go see some theater at The Philadelphia Shakespeare Festival, closing this weekend!

Philly Coffee Shops

An iced oat latte is a Summer essential, and so is the AC coffee shop vibes on writing days. My absolute favorite coffee shops to grab an iced latte in Philly ~

Jiggy Coffee | Thank you, Thank you | Menagerie | Persimmon Coffee | Uncle Bobbie’s | ReAnimator Coffee

wears // never fully dressed

Anyone else feel like getting dressed is a haphazard experiment in the Summer? For two weeks this past month I wore workout clothes or sweats all day every day, because the idea of melting through an outfit by 5pm? No, thanks. Earlier this Summer I shopped my own closet when I found myself scrolling for new clothes, and to my surprise, I realized I do have quite a lot of Summer pieces…I just have to wear them. This past week I got dressed, and learned that…

• I care way more about being comfy than styled, especially in the high temps.

• Pattern mix with separates!

• Linen and cotton and linen and cotton.

• Changing up a bag/sunglasses combo makes everything feel new.

• Jewelry makes a simple outfit look “done”.

Thank you for being here, there, and everywhere with me.

Xo,

Jacque

You can join the Search Party!

I have created a place for you to support my art-making, and find your bestie their favorite birthday gift (under budget). 😉

💬 For $5/month you can get access to The Search, a paid subscriber only chat for your next find. Don’t want to mindlessly scroll through Netflix’s recs? A shopping website? Your local theater companies’ season? Marketplace, Depop? Drop in your ingredients (style, budget, experience, time, aesthetic, vibe), and I’ll search high and low for your next great find!

Speaking of Summer! Listen to Do You Ever Feel Like…?

Do You Ever Feel Like

it's a girl summer

Girlies! It’s SUMMER, and we chat having an XYZ girl Summer, plus WHERE is the 2025 summer diva? Someone ring Charli XCX to save us, ASAP! We do a quick Gilded Age check in of our favorite clock twink, and discover the “culprit” to Phoebe’s knee pain. Also we chat Summer trends having an era, and the thin line to conservatism (we’re mega fun at a party…

Listen now

a year ago · 1 like · DoYouEver

I have learned so much from Hillary throughout this process! But, one of the biggest takeaways is how we feel in our clothes is not really about our bodies at all. Hillary, does fit “matter”?

Hillary: Hi folks! 💕 I’ve seen (especially in my custom design work) something that typically feels like a problem to my client disappear when the garment actually fits them. When a garment fits, they are no longer preoccupied with the things being too tight, too loose, pulling, gapping, riding up, or falling down. They have fewer decisions to make when getting dressed and can focus on what feels good.

I often witness people negotiating a few things when it comes to the fit of their clothing, using the fit of their clothing as a form of body checking – a side effect of diet culture and fatphobia. Defaulting to how something “should” look or what is “flattering” (every time I hear this word, I throw up in my mouth a little bit). The worthiness of the garment (or themselves) to go to the “effort.” The fantasy of who they will be wearing it vs. what their life actually looks like.

We are taught to use comparison to gauge where we fit in the world. When it comes to our clothing, it's: “How do these fit compared to the photo? How do I look in these compared to how she looks in these?” When we put these man-made objects on our organic, natural bodies, we internalize that something is wrong with our bodies, and therefore us. But, in the case of root heave (when a tree pushes up a sidewalk), we don’t blame the tree for not having “self-control” or for no longer fitting into a size 6. We praise mother nature for not boxing herself in.

Speaking of sizing, IT’S ALL MADE UP!!!!!!! It’s not a secret, I even learned this in school (I’m not kidding, it was a test question, people!). There is no standard sizing across the industry, or even within the same brand—the only thing that is real is YOU!

This is my long way of saying: nothing is wrong with you; it’s the clothes, it’s the system. Although the clothing industry has a bias toward eurocentric bodies and the size ranges offered are an absolute joke, the overall fit of our clothes is not entirely their fault. At some point, a company can only offer so much variety in shape, size, and proportion in an “off the rack” industry.

The solution is to stop trying to make your body fit the clothes and start actually making the clothes fit your body, your lifestyle, and your expression.

Jacque: STANDING OVATION! 👏 🌲 Oh my god! The root metaphor, yes! With this in mind, I brought Hillary 3 pair of pants to work her magic. One a hem, and the other two bringing in the back waist (the ever dreaded back gap iykyk).

Hillary: This gapping at the back waist is a super common issue, especially with women. Jeans are created with a front that goes straight up and doesn’t accommodate a belly that protrudes, which most people’s do (organs and all of that). Because of this, the belly pushes the pants forward at the waist, which warps the waistline and creates a gap at the back (imagine squeezing a plastic cup). As I was talking about earlier, this specific fit issue is one that I’ve seen create a bit of body dysmorphia in myself and my clients. There are a few altering techniques that can be used to address this, and in most cases, it means taking this back area of the pants apart and putting them back together.

Here is a before and after video where I did this alteration on a pair of jeans for myself. I knew when I bought them I was going to have to put in work but because I scored these Madewell jeans for $15, I was happy to do it!

Jacque: Oh that’s really interesting! Doing a fitting with Hillary was great. I felt very supported, and learned a lot. I quickly got to “Ohhhh, the problem isn’t me!”. Which brings me to my next question. Hillary, should I alter, fix, mend, reimagine everything I already own? Should I buy things knowing they need some “work”?

Hillary: The broad brush answer is: If you already own it, it’s worth it. You’ve already decided it’s worth owning, worth taking up space in your life—so yes, it’s worth fixing/altering, etc. Maybe you can't get your entire pile altered. In that case, the pieces I’d consider are: things you see yourself wearing the most, things with sentimental value, and things of good quality—meaning they were originally made well and are in a natural fiber.

Now, if you’re planning on buying something that you know needs altering, my suggestion is to set parameters. For me, it's a price point, and that max is $45 unless it is a very special, unique piece.

Jacque: Good advice! I feel like one of my rules is I can buy pants knowing they may need a hem, because I can’t always find a petite, short, etc. Set up some rules!

Ok, let’s do a Grandma tote bag update. 😊 The bag has been on a beautiful journey. Hillary has put SO much work into this, including a sourcing trip for fabric for a special surprise. Hillary, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Hillary: The bag was originally quite stiff. This is common, especially with canvas, because there’s typically a coating on it similar to starch that helps it stay rigid. However, through the process of cleaning and dyeing the bag over and over again, the fabric became softer. Much like our jeans, when cotton is washed and worn, it becomes “broken in" and more flexible.

I knew Jacque didn’t want the tote to be too soft or floppy, and while I can't restore it back to the original stiffness, there were a few things I could do to help it maintain its shape and give it a bit more structure. In this however, I also didn’t want to add extra weight to the bag, since it is already quite large and has some heft even when empty. The best course of action was to stabilize it with interfacing and a lining.

This required a bit of shopping, so we scheduled a time and I headed to the garment district to find some options. We ended up finding something sooooo PERFECT—along with a few other things to keep in mind for future projects.

Jacque: I AM JUST JAZZED. Hillary has boxed and sent all the final items 📦! We are both refreshing the tracking number so often we might break the internet?! 🔥 I predict an unboxing in our future! Stay tuned for next time, a HUGE REVEAL loading 😉

We are two artists trying! 💃

Up next for Hillary:

Pockets, Pockets, Pockets! / June 19th & July 3rd
This two part virtual workshop for adding and altering pockets in our existing garments. Lengthen your RIDICULOUS jean pockets and add hidden pockets to your bottomless tote to take up space by adding functionality to your wardrobe, baby! whereabouts readers can shop through this special link for 20% off: https://lu.ma/tl16ttqi

Ready, Set, Sew! / June 21st
This workshop tackles the hardest part of sewing… getting started. If you’re machine keep malfunctioning 9.9/10 times it’s going to be simple human error. Get off YouTube and get started on the right track by properly threading, troubleshooting issues and control settings like a pro.

Up Next for Jacque:

IDEA CAMP July 6th - Aug 15th with

ACTIVITIES ZONE 🛶😎✂️:

• Kick off call // July 6th 12pm EST

• Bi- Weekly zoom sessions for co-working + creative advising with P + J.

• Weekly assignments delivered in your inbox tailored to your medium to actually move the needles!

• Chat community (here on Substack!) to create surrounded by a bunch of brilliant weirdo artists and multi-hyphen hotties.

• Feedback portal to submit weekly assignments AND get feedback from P+ J!

During Idea Camp we have fun, games, gold stars and cash money to nudge that internal motivation (your ideas!!) with an external reward (the joy of getting paid to make!).

Enrollment is open now 🤸🏻‍♀️

It is what it is. I have to keep this in check for many reasons. I try really hard to window shop and not impulse buy, and to keep my scope of what I actually need or even want, in check. I generally keep the “if you’re still thinking about it tomorrow” rule, but sometimes, you just gotta get the thing.

I am the friend you text for a permissive “hell yes!” when you want to buy something, but I am also the friend you text, “is this worth it?” when you’re mid scroll. I am often the person my friends ask when they are overwhelmed by the decision fatigue of googling “linen top for Summer”, finding a great gift, or their next Netflix watch.

I don’t believe in the buy one, donate one rule anymore, or the ways in which we try and stay minimal, capsule, etc. I have tried to do this, it didn’t work for me. Recently, I have realized what I need is a system, which then helps me practice discernment about what and how much I buy.

Sharing some ideas on my buying process for the year! Or, how I am trying to plan and approach shopping to not go broke, own crap, and over consume. For the purpose of whereabouts, this is mainly about STUFF but you could really apply this to any category of spending (I think?).

Sit down and focus for a second.

1. Unsubscribe to all sales emails from brands. Let us not be sold to everywhere. Also, I promise you will not “miss out” on a sale or a buy. These are fake. Seriously, I mean it. Do it right now. Go on, I will wait. You may even take this a step further and unsubscribe to texts too (no judgement), this is evil business. Or, really set yourself up for success by unsubscribing + unfollowing to everything, everywhere.

2. Make a list + budget. What do you need? What do you want? (These are different things). How much can you spend on each item? (Like, for real actually not what you’re hoping to find something for or what you think it might cost. Does that mean $5? Great.) Review what you ALREADY own and check in on these desires. Can you reimagine things you already have to fill this need or want? Check out my collab with on this!👇

   whereabouts x hysterical fit

3. Assign no spend + shopping times to your year. This also includes shopping for other people, gifts, etc. My no spend months are January, June, July, September of this year. I gave myself permission to spend on items February-May, August, October - December.

4. Assign your buys to months, seasons, times of year to stick with your intention. Like literally in the notes app, your calendar, a post it note - wherever - write it down! Ex: February: $100 | scrunchie, lampshades, print for frame, new colorful sneakers.

5. Before you buy something, consult the list/plan. Is this thing on the list? Do you really need it? Can it wait until next year? What if you took a deep breath, went on a walk, ate a vegetable, or came back in 24 hrs.

6. Review this system + list regularly. There is no point of having a system if you’re not checking in on the system.

Okay, so then we go to search + buy!

• Try to find what you want used or second hand first. This is my usual go to, especially for items for home, or something from a larger or fast fashion brand. I get it, sometimes GAP has got the jean, and Zac Posen is truly bringing GAP back. But can you find it on a resale site first? Probably. Vinted, Poshmark, ThredUp, DePop, The Real Real. Or even the dreaded Facebook Marketplace.

• Take the search off the screen. Thrifting, vintage stores, flea markets, resale stores, antique warehouses, estate sales, auctions. This also literally slows things down and makes you not buy the first thing that checks the box of an item on your list. It’s okay if you can’t find a lampshade for 6 months.

• Shop smaller, local, and sustainable brands when you can. This might mean you spend “more”. But where is that money going? I feel much better about giving $100 to an artist, then $20 to some crap that is going to fall apart in 10 seconds.

Those are just a few of the ways I try and own what I need and love without ending up with a pile of stuff to manage/clean/store/organize all the time, which is kind of my worst nightmare honestly.

My buys for Spring!

Olga + Ella by Kayla Donovan Shacket from Made X Hudson

Silk Satin Scrunchie by Muda from Made X Hudson

Teacup from an Antique Warehouse in Hudson, NY

Ilia Super Serum Skin Tint SPF 40

Coolway Goal Pink Lemonade (got mine for almost half off from Poshmark!)

Two lampshades from Facebook Marketplace

To hear more thoughts on all my buys 🤸

That’s it for this week. Thanks for being here, there, and everywhere with me!

Xo, Jacque

You can join the Search Party! //

I have created a place for you to support my art-making, and find your bestie their favorite birthday gift (under budget). 😉

💬 For $5/month you can get access to The Search, a paid subscriber only chat for your next find. Don’t want to mindlessly scroll through Netflix’s recs? A shopping website? Your local theater companies’ season? Marketplace, Depop? Drop in your ingredients (style, budget, experience, time, aesthetic, vibe), and I’ll search high and low for your next great find!

Listen to Do You Ever Feel Like…? //

Do You Ever Feel Like

we're here to vibe w/ Chelsea Fagan

Grab your horizontal stripes and STEP a board THE HIGH DIVE girlies! This week we chat with multi-hyphenate queen Chelsea Fagan! Chelsea is the co-founder of The Financial Diet and author of the new romance novel, The High Dive 🛥️🌊💍…

Listen now

a year ago · 5 likes · Phoebe Taylor and Jacque Wills

At 33, my Grandma Rose had a 12 year old, 5 year old (my Dad), and by 34 was pregnant with her youngest. She was living in rural West Virginia working 2.5 jobs to save enough money in a box under the porch so she could leave her husband…someday.

At 33, my Grandma Priscilla was a widow. A working single mother in the early sixties, registering her daughter (my Mom) for preschool with really no plan on who would pick her up later that day.

At 33, my mother had a 2 year old (my sister), and by the time she was 34, was pregnant with twins (or menaces), you choose. She had stepped away from her big marketing job to raise a family, and was trying every day to convince herself that one day she would go back.

Don’t get me wrong, I worry about my life. All those women knew (and know) how to worry. For everything they have given me, which is a lot, they have also given me the art of a good worry. I worry about debt, having a retirement plan, my genetically inherited high cholesterol, if I will ever be able to afford a home, and obviously looking around at the state of affairs lately, human rights and if the planet will even still be here in another 33 years? Casual.

But, if 33 year old Grandma Rose, Grandma Priscilla, or my mother walked into my apartment right now, and heard me complain about “the weather ruining my birthday trip to the beach” they would all tell me to shut up, and then kick me out so they could have a few hours peace.

If 12 year old Jacqueline walked into my apartment right now, she would be absolutely TICKLED by her life. She would SCREAM! “We live in the city?! We make art for a living?! We have a dog?! If we don’t want to go to work that day, we don’t have to?! Slay!”

In the past year I have embraced making decisions 12 year old Jacque would be proud of. She would want me to keep going, to keep choosing the uncomfortable thing. She would want me to be loud and too much and goofy and bizarre.

Here are a few lessons the 33 year old women before me, and 12 year old me, would want me to hold close. Here is what 33 means to me.

• come hell or high water.

• the only difference between now + whatever life you want to live, skill you want to have, choice you want to make, or thing you want to do, is time.

• say the messy unedited thing. make it weird.

• ask for what you want. try.

• you can learn a lot of things from the flowers.

• pivot, make the best of a situation, stop complaining.

• it’s safe to evolve.

• you do not have to be finished learning a skill or a lesson to teach it. the best expertise is in the middle.

• the quality of any of your relationships is directly linked to the quality of your relationship with yourself.

• there are times for responding, and there are times for reacting. it’s safe to get angry.

• you have never, ever been totally alone. even in the womb. this makes you really great at repair. detachment, not so much.

• eat a vegetable, take vitamins, drink water, move your body, sleep.

• you will be misunderstood. your job is not to constantly anticipate this.

• you will disappoint people. your job is not to constantly anticipate this.

• do the next right thing,

• with the knowing that there is no such thing as the next right thing. there are only decisions we make with the information we have at the time.

• you choose both who you are and who you want to be all the time, every day.

• if you tell your body you hate it, and treat it like you hate it, it will hate you back.

• show up. get in the room. be annoying.

• you are allowed to change your mind.

• it’s not a matter of IF, it’s WHEN. apply this to everything.

• get out on the dance floor.

• wear more hats, you have always looked good in a hat.

33! 🎉🎂

Thank you for reading whereabouts + for being here, there, and everywhere with me!

XO, Jacque

PS. I am sending this the day after my birthday because HOLY CRAP YOU ALL KNOW HOW TO MAKE A GAL FEEL LOVED. I just spent yesterday so happy + crying in the rain basically.

12 year old Jacque would want me to say - wanna give me a lil’ something for my birthday?! Hey, thanks!

1. Support my writing, this Substack, and my art-making by joining The Search. Access to a paid subscriber only chat for your next find! Don’t want to mindlessly scroll through Netflix’s recs? A shopping website? Your local theater companies’ season? Marketplace, Depop? Drop in your ingredients (style, budget, experience, time, aesthetic vibe), and I’ll search high and low for your next great find! ❤️ Essentially, I have created a place for you to support my art-making, and find your bestie their favorite birthday gift (under budget), or your next frolic around your favorite city. 😉

2. Go subscribe, + follow, rate, review Do You Ever Feel Like…? It takes about $5 a minute to bring you the pod. 🫛 Join our green room for as little as $5/month to access unhinged eps, artist studies, + more!

I wouldn’t call myself an impulse buyer because well everything; anxiety, the world. I tend to always SIMMER 🥘 on my purchases. Also, the self employed artist life spending budget (if there even is one) is constantly in flux. I think a lot about what I actually need, where and who I want to buy it from, and when I purchase something, all the ways I can wear it. I tend to wait until I really truly need to replace something, and am very familiar with the back and forth performance around the cost to repair or reimagine vs. buy.

We all have those items, that pile in the corner of our closet, under our bed “I will use that when, wear that when…”. I have had a collection of these items forming for years. They are my “maybe one day I will pay for someone to do this for me” items, because while I love making things - I am never going to dye a canvas bag, hem my own pants, or repurpose my winter coat. I am not that gal, I do not want to be that gal. Moving on.

Much to my DELIGHT, my pal Hillary is experimenting with breathing new energy into items once loved.

Welcome to the stage, Hillary! 🎭

Oh hello, Hillary here. I am a fashion designer and teaching artist living in NYC. I am a staunch feminist who enjoys being silly with the mouth of a sailor.

We all know the thrilling feeling of finding that new [x] discovering it while walking past a store window or in the far reaches of the internet. It feels like being rewarded after a long hunt, and we can now step into the fantasy of who we will be when wearing or using this new item.

We cross the threshold of our home with our new trophy and put it in pride of place. Beaming with joy, we admire the fruits of our labor—we are now whole. But in the very next moment, its slow descent into ordinariness begins.

The rest of your items watch with boredom because they know all too well that it’s only a matter of time - a season, a year, a decade - before it becomes one of them: The Never Worn, The Worn-Out, The Would-Be-Worn-If-It-Weren’t-For-This-One-Small-Change.

Jacque: Yes, I have many of these items. A reimagine pile! Why reinventing pieces as your next experiment?

Hillary: Last year, I hit my breaking point with my work. I had been unsuccessfully trying to straddle the line between cosplaying as both a luxury designer and a beginner sewing teacher. I remember thinking, “Fuck it, this isn’t working—what do I even want to do, make, teach?” Like many people who get to this point, I decided to return to where it all began; when things felt simpler, purer. Before I was teaching and designing custom bridal, before working in the industry and studying at one of the greatest design schools in the world... I was just a 12-year-old girl, sitting on the floor of my bedroom, taking my clothes apart and seeing what I could create out of them. This wasn’t the “cool” thing to do; not in the way it is now. For nearly 20 years, I was obsessed with the idea of being fast, innovative, original, NEW. Funny enough, this new chapter feels quite old and worn in.

For my first real big workshop, I chose a 9-week mending, altering, and up-cycling course instead of the typical one-off “tote bag/skirt/PJ pants” projects. I’ve even rethought my company, Hilandel, questioning whether I ever want to make anything new again or if, instead (for people who aren’t interested in learning how to do it themselves), I can show them the world of possibilities I discovered on my bedroom floor 27 years ago. By reinventing their stack of idle garments or, at the very least, making them functional.

So, I put a call out, reached out to some friends, and proposed this project where I reimagine some garments for them, just to see where it goes. It felt like perfect timing and a great excuse to collaborate with you. I can see what your building with whereabouts, and I’m glad to be a part of it.

Jacque: I am too!!! This is so smart. Okay, so one of the first items, super simple. A new fun button for my beautiful black winter wool Barney’s (RIP) cocoon coat that was passed to me from a friend!

I really wanted to find a new button to turn it up a notch and make it feel a bit more whimsical, but still minimal enough to wear it in a versatile way (to the theater and out for lunch). Hillary sent me the greatest collection of button finds! Hillary, what do you look for in a good button?

Hillary: This is really smart because when people start discovering creative solutions for their clothing needs, it can sometimes become overwhelming—or end up looking like the kitchen sink. Often, we overlook basic, functional elements when brainstorming ways to reimagine a garment. Adjusting or changing just one small detail is all a piece needs to feel complete.

From a technical perspective, I start with the size and depth of the buttonhole on the garment, as this determines its functionality. (An aside: Buttons aren’t just cute—they’re a proper closure, existing long before zippers.)

Then, I move into a hybrid space of function and style. Buttons are typically attached to a garment in one of two ways: sew-through (with two or four holes on the front) or shank (with a loop on the back). This also affects how it sits on the garment, how it interacts with the buttonhole, or ease of use.

Then, the fun part begins; thinking about how this small detail can transform the garment’s story. Does adding the button change the tone? Does it reference another part of the design, reinforcing a theme (e.g., shell buttons on a nautical-style jacket)? Finally, will the client (or I) actually like this? Does it fit their style, work with what they already own, and feel like something they’d genuinely wear?

Jacque: It’s funny how a decision like a button can really become an entire journey with a garment, and like you said, change the story. I feel like we landed on a really beautiful choice. Can’t wait to see it on the coat!

Hillary: I agree! The button that we landed on is a decorative option, created by weaving satin cords in intricate patterns to achieve the “knotted” design. They are considered to be an “elevated” option, not only because they look fancy shmancy, but because they are labor intensive to make. I think this is a great understated choice, it will look intentional with the original design but add some texture and interest. I found this locally in the garment district here in NYC.

Thanks for going on this journey with us folks, and stay tuned as we dive into more items, and share ways you can put the spark back in your closet! 🔥

Xo,

Jacque + Hillary

Next up!

Dyeing Jacque’s canvas tote, made by her Grandma in the 60s? 70s?

We are two artists trying! Join us!

Hillary’s next workshop series starts April 10th: Pockets, Pockets, Pockets!

Hysterical Fit

Pocket Change - The Revolution Starts in Your Pants

⭐️👂 Scroll allllllll the way to the bottom to listen to the audio recording of this post. 👂⭐️…

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2 years ago · Hillary A O'Dell

Jacque’s next workshop with : How to Run an Online Workshop (Reclaim the Zoom Room!)

Do You Ever Feel Like

HOW TO RUN AN ONLINE WORKSHOP (AT THE END OF THE WORLD) 🔥

Someone sends you (maybe DYE lol 💁‍♀️) another link to another zoom, to another meeting, gathering, performance, or chat on a SCREEN. You throw your phone across the room in protest! Piper, NooOOoo…

Read more

2 years ago · 5 likes · 2 comments · DoYouEver, Jacque Wills, and Phoebe Taylor

I have needed more rest than expected as I get back into my everyday schedule, which has sent me into the right on time (ha) spiral of productivity, balance, and why I think everything can happen all at once. Whenever I feel like a snail (and that there is something wrong with feeling like a snail), I remind myself of exactly who I am because I sometimes forget. Human on earth, citizen, woman, artist, writer, performer, creative director, content creator, marketer, business owner, business partner, auntie, sister, daughter, granddaughter, caregiver, dog mother, spouse, friend, neighbor.

The landscape of life is hard and absurd, and I should cut myself and those around me a big break and surrender to what I know. I am always going to be late. Or at least, feel late. Late to the meeting, the season, the idea, the trend, the chapter, the task, the coffee date, or calling someone back. I perpetually feel exactly 15 mins to 2 weeks behind at all times. And while this can, has, and will make the responsibilities to myself and others REAL tricky, I think if this is how I lived the rest of my life…behind, but happy, late, but present, rescheduled, but rested… I would maybe be just fine?

Because here’s the thing, it’s never the fact that I am behind. It’s the fact that I have feelings about being behind, or like I should have feelings about being behind, or doing the thing not the way I thought I would do the thing because I am behind, or having to tell someone I am behind, etc, etc.

I have an insane amount of privilege, choice, and my life isn’t that hard. So, I am once again reminding myself to stop playing the perfection game as if I want to win that prize? I don’t. Instead, I will keep trying. Trying is the prize.

As Twyla Tharp, the gal I turn to when I start boring myself says:

Chase the sublime and the absurd. Make each day one where you emerge, unlock, excite, and discover. Find new, reconsider old, become limber, stretch, lean, move  . . .  I say this with love: shut up and dance. That was the advice I gave myself for my sixty-fifth birthday. You might want to start now.

Right now, shut up and dance looks like: quality over quantity, working differently, putting in a 15 - 30 min buffer, sending the email even if it’s been two weeks, closing my eyes for 10 mins, going for a walk around the block instead of 10k steps (is this real?), doing the thing late, messy, scared, or unprepared, and yeah, maybe disappointing people, because that is life and sometimes done is better than good. This is a marathon, not a sprint, one day at a time, consistency over perfection, and all that stuff.

wares // 5 min tablescape

Over the weekend my friend brought the takeout, and I had 5 mins to make a quick, cozy nbd Spring table using WHAT I GOT! 🌸🪻🌷

I’m glad I went with no tablecloth, I try to pick a color to build from (green vase), and a few random bits + bobs for who knows what reason never hurt anyone. Love my little Donna Wilson pinch dish that is sometimes for salt, sometimes for soy sauce, and sometimes for a tea light. 💃

wares // window treatments

On the topic of using the time you have with what you’ve got, let’s chat rental friendly window treatments! Curtains can be something that we don’t invest in because who cares, who has time (that word again), there is another ep. of White Lotus, etc. Which, I get. But, they can also really change the feeling of a space!

When we moved into our most recent place, I knew that these eye sore blinds were not going to do. The tall ceilings and windows are great, but I needed something to 1. add color/pattern 2. add shape 3. feel a bit more homey and less lofty. I knew most options would need to be shortened for length, or custom made to fit the width of the recessed window, and I just didn’t want to care that much (because there is another ep. of White Lotus and I don’t want to learn how to shorten curtains). Let us have balance, let us not think we can do everything all the time! Choice!

The trick was a bit of measuring, and the magic of tie up curtains (I found ours on Facebook Marketplace for $10/panel 🪄) and a heavy duty tension rod. While maybe a bit of a strange choice for a living room, the cafe curtains were the perfect middle ground of fitting the weird measurements of the windows, while also adding shape (almost like a valence or roman shade, but not). They hide the blinds, while still allowing plenty of light, and fall at the perfect spot in the window. The rod was an easy way to avoid drilling into anything. An under $70 project. A slay!

That’s it for this week. Tune in next for a new series on reimagining your closet with the one and only of ❤️.

Thank you being here, there, and everywhere with me!

Jacque

DO YOU EVER: Latest on the pod 🎧

A special artist study episode for our paid subscribers! takes us on the Mike White journey that only a true fan can 🤸

Do You Ever Feel Like

The Universal Laws of Mike White

WELCOME WELCOME! We’re going FULL feral back in time where it all began, the stompin’ grounds of Horace Green prep school AKA Phoebe’s teaching origin story. Today we yap MIKE WHITE BABY and what what artists can learn from Survivor Season 37 runner up (and the writer of White Lotus…

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2 years ago · 2 likes · Phoebe Taylor and Jacque Wills

A WORKSHOP! How to Run an Online Workshop // Thursday, April 10th!

Do You Ever Feel Like

HOW TO RUN AN ONLINE WORKSHOP (AT THE END OF THE WORLD) 🔥

Someone sends you (maybe DYE lol 💁‍♀️) another link to another zoom, to another meeting, gathering, performance, or chat on a SCREEN. You throw your phone across the room in protest! Piper, NooOOoo…

Read more

2 years ago · 4 likes · 2 comments · DoYouEver, Jacque Wills, and Phoebe Taylor

My parents took me to the Kennedy Center before I could talk. It was where I grew to love the performing arts. Throughout my childhood I knew there was something special about being able to go most weekends (also known as privilege), and it wasn’t just the pre show KC Cafe experience of mac n’ cheese (iykyk), I loved live performance. As the Eisenhower house lights dimmed, I was grateful to be sitting there - at attention bursting, until the last applause. When we would have to go home at the end of a show I wouldn’t get in the car. I wanted to skip down the never ending red of the Hall of Nations, I wanted to sleep under the stairs in the Theater Lab.

One weekend my parents were hesitant to take me to see Dracula. At six, I stomped my feet insisting I was old enough to go. So, when I woke up at intermission knowing I missed the whole first act, I wept. I screamed. I threw a fit that probably made every audience member think, “she’s too young to be here.” My Mom took me back again the following weekend because I wouldn’t let it go.

In the early 2000’s my Dad’s company was one of the many that helped with the Kennedy Center’s outdoor terrace expansion. I remember visiting my Dad at work one afternoon. It was so quiet. I climbed the side stairs of a Millennium stage, and wandered around it, staring out into the empty great hall. I was seen by a security guard and immediately scolded, but for a moment I was witnessing a bit of my future, and had no idea yet.

Nine years later, I performed with Signature Theater’s Overtures program as part of the Millennium Stage series that summer. Looking back on it, it was the perfect send off into grown up art-making land, the perfect button to my KC youth. The Kennedy Center was my portal.

Without the Kennedy Center, I wouldn’t have grown up seeing all the pathways of storytelling — Washington National Opera, the Open Doors Festival, American Ballet Theatre, Alvin Ailey, or even hell, Shear Madness, and I wouldn’t be who I am today. That matters. For the DMV arts loving theater fanatic kids who can’t get enough of an opening overture, I see you, and I am so, so sorry. The DC arts scene is grieving, American artists are grieving, and again I don’t really have anything else to say, besides I grew up at the Kennedy Center.

where // low cost dates ☕️

Loretta’s

Jack and I recently celebrated 15 years together. I never know how to feel about sharing this information, or the comments I get when I do share. I do believe that time is only a measurement, and not necessarily an indicator of the quality of relationships.

What I have learned through 15 years, is that looking at your person from across a table occasionally and/or doing something new together is key. It reminds your brain that you 1. are in a relationship 2. care for this person 3. are on the same side. I don’t think dates need to be fancy, long, expensive, or even out of the house to be “worth it”. Also, you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to go on dates with yourself, your friends, or anyone you love.

Some cheap no big deal date ideas:

1. Coffee dates! Before heading to work, school, or post drop off etc go try out at a new coffee place together.

2. At home! Do a new activity together. Play a board game, have a spa night, paint some watercolors, cook a new recipe, or learn a new skill (no TV!).

3. Go on a free day date! Make a list at the beginning of each month of everything free you could possibly do where you live (museums, parks, arboretums, festivals, farmers markets, hikes, etc) - go down the list and pick, or switch back and forth.

4. Go to an exercise class! Most studios, instructors, gyms, etc have some kind of initial discounted try out class. On your way home, stop for a smoothie or coffee.

5. Go to a happy hour (even if you don’t drink). We love to go on a post work early evening date for cheap eats (set a budget), and then you are home by 8pm. A win! In Philly: Happy Hour Philly | Open Mondays Philly

wear // colorful sneaker 💕

I have been learning more about overconsumption this year. If I do share what I am searching for here, I want to be very mindful that in general, the world doesn’t need more stuff. Anything you could possibly want has probably already been made (or somebody you know has it), which is why when I shop, I try to go second hand or thrifted, sustainable, or local smaller brands. If I do search for an item from a larger/fast fashion brand, I always go and try to find it second hand first, which is almost always successful (this happened below yay 💃). More tips on this coming!

At beginning of each year, I make a list of items I am allowed to buy in the year or am likely going to need, with a budget. I then do my best to stick to them for the year.

First up, the search for a new colorful sneaker. I’ve shopped, so you don’t have to! I am looking for a yellow/green or a pink, casual and easy enough to throw on, comfortable for walking, but not quite a true fashion sneaker.

New, $80-$150

*Goal Marshmallow Coolway | M70 Jazzy - Acid & Butter SAYE | Volley O.T. Sneaker Veja | Tb.490 Rife Sea Pink Alohas

Used like new, $50-$85

New Balance Pink Trainer | Gola Trainer in Yellow (I think these are it 😉)

That’s it for this week. Tune in next for renter friendly window treatments + use what you have tablescapes! ❤️

Thank you being here, there, and everywhere with me!

Jacque

DO YOU EVER: Latest on the pod 🎧

Do You Ever Feel Like

if they wanted to they would

MATCH OUR FREAK! This week we chat community + friendships and yelling at everyone to get over themselves and grow up, the usual DYEFL vibes. Plus Jacque is in her own personal White Lotus girls trip and Phoebe has watched too much reality tv. Also Dr Phoebe arrives and uses words like relational and attachment style. Professor Jacque clocks in with som…

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2 years ago · 2 likes · Phoebe Taylor and Jacque Wills

We are currently booking Studio Sprints for April! Have an idea you’re ready to get out in the world like…yesterday!? Join us in the studio for tailored to you project development! We take your idea from brain fog to finished, shiny, and ready for the stage. ✨🌱

*this post contains affiliate links

Wether it’s something I saw, ate, heard, found, bought, watched, or learned, “Where?” is a question I answer often. Here you will find a rummage of art, style, and living - a weekly edit of my findings. You can also expect updates on creative projects, my observations as an artist and woman flopping around the world, and other writing.

Expect chaotic rants on womanhood paired with obsessions on finding the perfect sneaker — always under budget! An ecstatic review of my latest watch! How to fluff a throw pillow, plus my thoughts on the play I saw last week!

Anyways, you get it. 💁‍♀️ Without further ado, the first edition of whereabouts. 🥁

Most weeks there will be some FEELINGS for the moment here, or a writing share. Not so much this week. But, I am currently reading Marianne Eloise’s Obsessive Intrusive Magical Thinking, which is enough feelings for this week. 🤯

where // travel

Fairmount Royal York 🎄

It has been about six weeks since we rang in the New Year. I repeat, it has only been a month and a half since the holidays. It feels like 6 months since the holidays — time is not real. Let’s jump back in time for nostalgia to a December holiday stay at Fairmount Royal York!

On a trip to Toronto, I was in search of the holiday feels, and an overnight at Fairmount Royal York delivered. We had a lovely time at the holiday pop ups, our room was a good size, and the in room dining was a solid 8/10. The best part of the stay was the pool and spa areas. A tip for hotel stays with one pool for adults and families; if you want to try and catch a chill time, I usually have luck 6:30-10:30pm, 6-8:30am, or the hour right before check out.

Good to know: This hotel is huge. Like 1,000+ rooms and many dining options huge. We were there during a very busy time, but I have a feeling because of the size of the hotel, the guest services built into the cost of the stay just aren’t going to be as quick (we didn’t care and usually don’t), but something to note. We opted to book one of the older more traditional rooms (for vibes), and we think because of that, it was a bit noisy. Our trusted acoustician, Jack gives the room noise rating a 5/10.

wares // home

A Ruggable for our bedroom ✨

With a *Ruggable gifted credit to use (!!), and a 5 x 7 Ruggable pad already under my bed, I have been looking for a colorful cover to add to our bedroom. The ingredients are something fun (obvi) complimenting our current bedroom hues (blues, greens, pinks), but also simple enough to be used elsewhere in a future home. Ruggable has some great options, but the *Iris Apfel collaboration obviously has my heart, RIP.

1. The *Colorful Loom Mango Rug has a lot of variety and reuse potential, and I love the mango (delish), but I am not sold on the pattern.

2. I love the rich colors and layered border of the *Ambroeus Royal Plum Rug.

Good to know: I find Ruggable to be “worth it” for smaller to medium sized mats and area rugs, high traffic or outdoor only — for many reasons including cost, durability, and buying new. Yes, they are actually machine washable (best for front loading washers). The flatwoven rug pads work perfectly fine for rooms where the plush feel isn’t as important to you, and they are pet and spill friendly.

That’s it for this week. Tune in next for a love letter to the Kennedy Center (I’m so sad), the perfect under budget colorful sneaker, and cheap nbd date ideas. ❤️

Thank you being here, there, and everywhere with me!

Jacque

DO YOU EVER: It’s the year of the pod! Our recent artist study episode, a free fall on Doechii is SO GOOD. slayed. 🔥 Also, we are currently booking Studio Sprints for March + April! 🌱

Do You Ever Feel Like

The Universal laws of Doechii

Hello and welcome to our first ever ARTIST STUDY 🔬! I have had this episode half baked in my head for weeks but Doechii’s recent Grammy win put the FIRE under my butt. I am a woman in love and I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT! We’ve got our first Artist Study up for free.99 for a few days but we will placing these eps behind our stunning new paywall 💃🏻. You…

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2 years ago · 2 likes · 2 comments · Phoebe Taylor and Jacque Wills

*this post contains affiliate links

I want to start this with the bullshit I hear from people all the time when I say I don’t know if I want a child. But I don’t need to start there, because there is everywhere and we don’t need to go there because women deal with enough. To the women reading this that don’t want a child, you don’t need to see that shit again.

Instead I will start with this, I feel like I have already raised children, and I feel like that is something I am not allowed to say.

I was a childcare provider for seventeen years. I have spent more than half my life taking care of children that are not my own. “Own” - what a word. We don’t own children, but that is an essay for another time.

Being a nanny, taking care of someone else’s children - knowing in your bones you would throw yourself in front of a bus for them - intimately witnessing and understanding what it is they will be paying for later in therapy - being a lighthouse in that storm - there is no other love like it. Often overlooked, underpaid, dismissed, caregivers are the reason our society functions, and from the hospital to the playground, no one seems to consider the emotional labor of caring for a family that isn’t yours.

I haven’t raised my own children, but it certainly feels like I have. I have been woken up in the middle of the night with the fevers and screaming, I have held throw up in my hands countless times, I have negotiated and coddled and comforted and aided and played make believe and laid on the grass of the playground hoping I don’t fall asleep. I have slept on pleasedon’twakeup floors, planes, car seats. I have helped regulate nervous systems with big bear hugs, and felt the soft back of heads, or the curl of a falling asleep grip, the heartbeat of trust on my chest. I have been reminded of the only things that matter hovered over the sidewalk in the park - “Slow down Jacque Jacque, we only have to worry about chalk right now.”

I have held the mental, emotional, and physical labor of the diaper bag organization, ordering the groceries, packing up the old clothes, the paper towels being replaced, and the lunches, and the scheduling of the haircut, remembering the food allergies, who eats what when, and on, and on. I have pulled apart sibling brawls, cleaned up many cuts and scrapes, sat in doctors offices for the sniffles, and ERs for breaks. I have had kids scream that they hate me, that they wish I didn’t exist, that they hoped I would die. I have been bruised and battered by hitting, kicking, pulling my hair. I have even dealt with the teenage discovery of angst and the eye roll.

All of this while not being the parent. So you know, “they don’t have to listen to me”.

I KNOW parenting is different. I know I was getting paid to do a job. But, if there is one thing I can guarantee you, the whole “but you get to go home at night thing” isn’t fucking real. People fall asleep thinking about their work, their Staff meeting the next day, if they did end up sending that email. I would fall asleep thinking about my nanny kids. Are they happy? Adjusted? Are they still being bullied? Did I remember to tell them to put their math homework back in that bag? Did I pull bunny/stuffie/bear out of the dryer? I should apologize for yelling about that one thing.

Also (a little dose of reality), most childcare professionals do not actually get nights and weekends, not when they are working 10-12 hour days and getting the “I am so sorry, looks like the fever isn’t down - any chance you’re free Sunday too?” texts.

Being a nanny is also rarely ever just about the children. I have sat with parents through life shattering world altering news, held mothers desperate and flailing on kitchen floors, fathers fighting, family deaths, illness, screaming matches at dinner tables, public meltdowns, and bags packed at the front door. And I have seen everyone naked.

All nannies deserve hazard pay. It should be built into the job.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am proud to have supported families, parents, mothers, grandparents, chosen family, partners. I am proud to have helped raised their children, the next generation. Everyone needs help. Money or no money, it’s fucking hard. I am proud to have many children in my life who I love so much. Who rely on me, who still call me to tell me about that crush, that game, how Mom and Dad are fighting again. They send me birthday cards, leave me voicemails - “Jacque Jacque! We miss you! Call me back so we can sing!” Who I dare say it? Love me so much too.

I am not a mother, but I feel as though I have mothered. I know exactly what that is.

So here I am asking myself, why would I ever in my right mind want to do that again?

on wanting to be a mother: just books, ha! 🤣

Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood

currently reading

Shadow Mothers By Cameron Lynne Macdonald

this book is older, but really interesting

Wanted: Toddler’s Personal Assistant by Stephanie Kiser

can’t wait to read this!

we hate women who are trying and women who aren’t trying enough

we hate women who are energized and women who are exhausted

we hate women who are pretty and women who are ugly

we hate fat women and we hate thin women

we hate women who love shopping, and women who don’t

we hate women who workout, or workout too little, or workout too much

we hate women who have something to say, and women who don’t have anything to say

we hate women who have money, and women who don’t have any money, and women who want money

we hate quiet women and loud women and women who are too loud and women who are too quiet

we hate women who have sex, and enjoy sex, and women who don’t want to have sex

we hate women who are doing too much, and women who are doing too little

we hate women who work in an office, and women who work in the home, and women who work in the office in the home

we hate women who are emotional, too emotional, not enough emotional

we hate women who are happy, who are joyful, who are excited

and we hate women for not being happy enough, for not being joyful, excited

we hate women who don’t say thank you, and women who are overly grateful

we hate women who have kids, or too many kids, or only one kid, or no kids

we hate hardworking women and resting women

we hate ambitious women, women who desire and dream, and we hate women who “play it small”

we hate women who make time for themselves, and women who take too little time for themselves

we hate women who love to cook and women who can’t work a stove

we hate women when they are angry, not angry enough, too angry

we hate women who love being mothers and women who hate being mothers

we hate women for hating women and women for hating themselves

—

I think that’s not flattering on her as I walk down the street to the park, I judge how much space a mother’s stroller takes up on the train, I grab pieces of my stomach when I stand in front of the mirror, I sit at brunch and roll my eyes at the four women laughing too loud in the corner of the room. I don’t take my husband’s last name (I declare that proudly!) - but also, I don’t finish my dessert. Make it make sense.

I want to be the woman who is above it all. She doesn’t care if the curtains are ironed, she doesn’t weigh herself, she doesn’t try to find the best angle for a photo, she can recite the most recent headline of oppression. She isn’t the ingénue, necessarily. She’s the fatfunnyuglysmartfriend, and she fucking loves it! I desperately want to be the most balanced cocktail of enlightened womanhood, the quirky heroine. I want to be above the demands, the desires, the abuses of patriarchy. I try, I try - I think to myself - that doesn’t effect me, I have outsmarted it. Outsmarted systems, and generational trauma, and even my own body. Nope.

I notice all the time how critical I am to myself, and in turn, how critical I am to other women. This shit runs deep. Can bitches really contain multitudes? Can I say that word? I bore myself with compound emotions and the tricks of white feminism. I know it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility.

I judge myself for judging women. I judge myself for judging myself. I judge myself for writing this piece. May we lean in closer to the wounds of misogyny and whisper, I love you.

—

Helena Bonham Carter reads Warning by Jenny Joseph.

I recently learned that maternal mortality rates have doubled in the US since 2018, with black women being 3x more likely to die from pregnancy related causes vs white women. What you can do: SOCIAL KIT / ADVOCACY KIT.

Currently reading:

Letters to My Weird Sisters: On Autism, Feminism, and Motherhood by Joanne Limburg

& What I just put a hold on at the library:

White Tears, Brown Scars: How White Feminism Betrays Women of Color by Ruby Hamad