But it happened most beautifully…

For weeks, I posted and shared about this event. I got more excited by the minute as the date got closer.

Now, let’s not take anything away from the other events, because I truly love this organization, from what they stand for to everything they do, and everything in between. And if I can help it, as I’ve said many times before, I don’t want to miss ANYTHING!

Since I was a kid, I’ve had a deep love for them both, but never could I have imagined that they would collide better than I could have ever imagined. From the time I arrived, it was hard to hold back my excitement, and the anticipation of what was to come was eating at me. I did my best to help set everything up and keep my focus there because I knew at this particular event it would be extremely easy for me to get distracted 😅

I was so excited I didn’t even care about being cold! And if you know me, you know that I think of the cold months like a bear does winter. And if you want to find me, I will be inside! But not this day! I chugged my cup of coffee and thought no more about it!

Before we could even get fully set up, participants for the event were already beginning to show up, and the event didn’t start for another few hours! And that’s when my focus started to slip. I was excited to just see participants showing up and starting to get set up. My heart had already started to beat heavier. But this wasn’t like my normal social anxiety; this was from pure excitement! And it just continued to build as we began to put up the organization’s banners and tablecloths, and setting up the trophies just had me all fired up! They were made specifically for this event, and they were absolutely perfect!!!

By the time we got the banners up and the cones out, we had participants coming in from multiple directions, and I felt like my inner child was starting to jump up and down, biting his nails in excitement! And so it was time to grab flags to start leading people to their designated parking! And I had the perfect view at the top of the hill to see it turning into a better turnout than I could have imagined, and I was truly in a state of joy and nothing but…

It’s far from normal for me to look at a gathering of people and think, oh, I want to check that out 😅 But standing at the top of that hill, I couldn’t wait to get back down there…

By the time I went down to the event, we had almost three full parking lots!

But I had to keep my blinders on because at this point I had to go to the bathroom!

But when I first walked into the building, I was completely stunned! I had been there for hours and had no clue what was in the building.

High ceilings, huge open floor plan, TV screens, and a wall of trophies. But I knew I could get stuck, so I quickly turned my camera to video mode as I walked, because I could walk through without capturing it as I continued to figure out where the bathroom was!

There were vendors and a food truck, but I didn’t care about any of that.😅 Since I found out about this event from a flyer that was passed out at camp, I had been excited about seeing these CARS. For anyone who doesn’t know me. I am not just an author. I am a full-on gearhead and a car FANATIC!!! And this had everything from classics going all the way back to 1931 with a wooden model, all the way up to C8 Corvettes. I felt like I wasn’t even walking around. I was just floating from one car to the next. I was even having conversations with some of the owners about some of my dream cars that were there and about how badly I miss being a part of the car culture. And the organization that held the event was none other than Camp Care 🥲🖤💜

And that’s how my worlds collided in the most beautiful way! I truly still feel like I'm on a cloud, and that’s why this had to become State of Shock Part 3.1

Thank you to all that read along weather this is your first time reading one of my articles or you’ve been here for a while. My gratitude remains at an all-time high!

Thank you…

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With all Love,

Johnell Newman

Until next time, remember that dreams come true and miracles still happen!🖤💜🫶

In the beginning, it just all felt so forced…

I had been working on my autobiography for a few years when I met my mentor. But I was stuck. And just like the vision I had of a book. Meeting my mentor felt the same way. Just the initial encounter of listening to the first voicemail he left me gave me a feeling of relief. And I hadn’t even looked him up before the feeling came about…

For more on my mentor, you can check out my Day 16 publication!

The first time we were finally able to set a time and place to meet, I had no clue what to expect. I barely paid attention to teachers in school. All I knew was that I was stepping out on faith and accepting a stranger’s willingness to help someone like me.

When he first mentioned starting from scratch. A blank screen. I immediately got the feeling that I was yet again having to start over. But I had already told myself I was all in. I remember staring at that blank screen for what felt like hours, not wanting to say that I had no clue what to write. And this was the first time I had ever shared a screen, and out of nowhere he didn’t say anything; he just started writing questions. But these were questions from angles I never even thought to look at. I felt so out of my depth. But I kept answering, waiting until he wasn’t paying attention to look up and see if I could catch his reaction to the way I answered the questions. And before I knew it, the page was full. And I still felt so lost. Stuck on what just happened, I never even once mentioned my book, and what felt like 10 hours had only been a one-hour session. And then it was over. I don’t remember the conversation, how we introduced ourselves, or even what was said when we left. All I knew when I left that day was that my mind was completely blank… I had never had an experience like that before. And when I went back and read the entire document, I couldn’t really believe what I was reading. I had spent so much of my focus on trying to become the best version of myself that I could. I never saw just how much I had already transformed. And every session at the library from that day till the day the book was complete, and we did the podcast. This was the way I felt leaving. A complete state of shock.

But this isn’t where this ends; there’s still so much more!

Stay tuned in, and if you haven’t already and want to know when part 4 drops, all you have to do is subscribe for free!

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Johnell Newman

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For over a decade, I could only speak of becoming a writer.

Everything I wrote sucked.

It made no sense to anyone, including me. At the time, I thought it was something I would never be able to do. But I kept saying that one day I’m going to be a writer. In the beginning, I was still so angry, and my thoughts were all over the place. The medicines I was on kept me from being able to sit still. I couldn’t even sit through a TV show, even though the majority of my life I loved watching movies. Before and during COVID, I was hardly able to see my psychiatrists. She was sick quite often, but how could I be upset about it? My not being able to consistently make it to work from all the health battles I’ve been through and go through was what caused me to have a mental breakdown in the first place. So, the majority of the time I ended up with different doctors who knew nothing about me. They wouldn’t change my meds or listen to what I was trying to express. So I stopped going for 6 months straight. In that time, I began to work on myself, along with starting to take online classes and researching everything that had to do with writing books and authors. You name it, I probably looked it up. I even took courses through Hillsdale College learning about the literature in the Bible. And although I still had a hard time mentally. I was finally slowly able to do things again. But reality checks continued to try to keep me in a dark place. All I had was the memory of that moment on my knees when I surrendered and saw a book. Everything else in my life was continuing to feel like a downward spiral. But looking back, I can now see just how much I grew. Because the next time I had a mental breakdown, I didn’t feel like I had to run to an emergency room like the time before. I prayed again. And through that prayer, within a week I was being set up with the best therapist I could have ever asked for. She was sweet and patient. Which I know had to be hard because I was extremely short with my words; I was always angry, and it took time for me to even come up with answers, so there were always extremely long pauses. And for the first few sessions, I couldn’t even make eye contact. I never met her in person; all of my visits were online, and yet still I struggled. Even though it was something I wanted and prayed for. And that only made me more angry. And I would always have a rush of answers come through as soon as we got off the call. So I began to write to her. Answering everything in my own way to everything she asked. And to this day, this is still something I struggle with. But it’s also what allowed me to accept that writing could actually become more than just something I spoke about. In the beginning, I never edited anything. Honestly, I never even read them after writing; I would just hit send. I wanted her to see just how messed up my mental health was. And I didn’t want my social anxiety to be the wall keeping us from having an understanding. This is where I began to notice how far I had come and just how much I had overcome. And where my perspectives on everything began to change. She made sure that even a hardheaded person like me could see. And this is also where I found a love for the bible, nature, and hiking. And I never connected the dots until writing this. But that’s what helped prepare me for the moment when I began to write on here….

When my therapy sessions were coming to an end, I was cleared of all mental diagnoses, and I began to start watching church sermons daily. I was feeling more normal mentally than I had in as long as I can remember. My reality checks still hit like a wrecking ball trying to knock down a stubborn building. But slowly I began to see that my good days were beginning to outweigh my bad ones, even though there were still so many… This is where camp care came back into play. When I started hiking, it was around the same time that one of the 5k walks was coming up. And although my mom had asked every year, my answer was always no. This time I finally said yes. But I didn’t make it. I talked myself out of it. I was too scared it was going to cause me to go through another mental breakdown, and I just couldn’t handle that. This would happen 3 more times before I finally made it back. After finally making it, it felt like another weight was lifted off of me that I didn’t even realize I was carrying. I still said no to camp for the next couple of years. But I kept going back to the walks. Slowly warming up to people and slowly beginning to remember more than just the bad times of my days of going through chemo. And eventually, I was talked into turning in an application to become a camp counselor at a camp I once attended more than 20 years ago as a camper. And it was my first year at camp that my reality checks began to change….

There’s still so much to tell. So I think there’s just going to have to be a part 3! I promise it’s all coming together! Just be patient with me as I continue to paint this picture of why this series is called state of shock!

Stay tuned for part 3!!!

And as always, the link to check out everything I do outside of Substack is all on my Linktree!

With all love,

Johnell Newman

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Around a decade ago, I decided to stand on a vision I didn’t even believe in…

Head on my knees in a puddle of tears, in pain with no answers to be found…

In the middle of a room in a mental hospital. No more energy for anger, only pure sadness.

Alone, feeling completely exhausted and lost…

This is where I first saw the image of a book with my name on it…

I always knew this was where my journey began, but I didn’t know this was also where Lost But Not Left was truly beginning…

To say that my journey was hard would be an understatement. There were many tears over the last ten years…

But they slowly turned into tears of relief, and eventually tears of joy…

To say that I knew then that this book would be the outcome of that vision would have been something I would have laughed at if it had been known that this would be my first published book. At that point in my life, I had always hated writing. My handwriting is horrendous, and throughout school it was a complete struggle. By the time I got to middle school, I didn’t even author my papers anymore. Prompts made my anxiety rise. And grammar just never made any sense to me. I was a math kid!

But I had tried everything I ever thought of and tried everything I saw everyone else around me doing. Even though when it came to fitting in, all I wanted to do was rebel against it. I don’t use the word lost as a keyword. I used it because that’s just what I felt. For so long, I yearned for a start, and I felt like in that moment the vision of a book was all I had…

This is why I post about it so much. For so long it was only a far-fetched dream. Something I could only speak about. It wasn’t about convincing others; I had to do it for me…

I haven’t written because I’ve been so overwhelmed with my realities lately; that’s why I titled this state of shock!

But to hear more about that, stay tuned in because it will be coming soon!

To everyone who’s ever even clicked on anything I’ve written, I want to say thank you; it feels like it wasn’t that long ago when I didn’t even want to read what I had written. Let alone publish anything. So, I could never truly express how much I appreciate every one of you.

And to anyone who knew, I want to thank you too!

Please feel free to message me, comment, like, and subscribe. This account will forever be free. I only set up the payments because I was asked to. It’s a blessing for me to write here and have others who want to support in whatever ways they choose. No matter how you do it, for me it’s all gratitude…

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If you want to know more about my book, follow me on social media, or check out some of my merch. All of it you can find through a simple scroll of my linktree. Which I will leave here…

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With all love,

Johnell Newman

Lately I’ve been super busy! But I feel like I’ve been making a lot of progress. Well, outside of writing and turning the publications into videos for YouTube and TikTok, that is...😅 But honestly, I have truly been enjoying every moment. It’s something how differently you move when you learn to stop forcing things and move at the pace of grace. But that’s a topic for another day. Leave a comment if you would like for me to write about that!😁

Training to be a camp counselor for the second year in a row! I’m so excited to leave next Saturday to spend a week with my camp fam. It’s nothing like being able to be there for kids, just like countless counselors did for me when I was a kid going through chemo treatments.💜🖤

Book-wise, since I haven’t really been writing, I’ve still been trying to stay engaged on here by posting notes and reading others’ work when I get a moment to sit down! And since you all are family too, I’ll also let you know that I’ve been working on creating a deluxe version of Lost But Not Left!

You see, this is my first book, and being someone who struggled with being hard on themselves, it was a decade-long battle for me to even feel comfortable enough with the way that I write before I even felt confident enough to actually start writing a book. And if you’ve been following along for a while, you already know Lost but not left isn’t even the book I worked on for the longest period of time. It was my autobiography! Which is still locked away in the vault... But one day it will be published too! So with that being said, my idea was to create a trophy. And since I’ve always liked hardback books, I thought that would be a great trophy! But I also didn’t want to be selfish and create it just for me. So there will be a published version if I have any fans out there😅. Once it’s out, I want to take it with me so that whenever someone buys a copy or has a copy, they can sign my trophy book. And then once my next book comes out, I’m going to have it framed 🥲But we will leave that on the cliff for now🤐...

To take you back a bit, I’ve done a couple of local events to sell books, and I had a couple of sweatshirts made because I suck at approaching people, let alone introducing myself to anyone. And even when I have in-person encounters, I rarely think to tell people that I’m an author until after a conversation is over because my mind either races or goes blank. So I thought🤔 well, maybe if I put it on a shirt it can work as not only a reminder for me- if you are new to my journey, I’ve dealt with memory loss struggles since the age of 12- but also as an icebreaker for anyone who noticed it! What I didn’t expect, however, was for so many people to ask where they could get one😅, so I had been doing research on clothes and merchandise ideas and how to go about it for at least 3 or 4 months. But I finally found my route, and I can officially say that T-shirts are available for purchase!!! I’m not a fashion person at all, but I did try my best, so please feel free to tell me what you think!😁🖤💜

Side note. I am a WARM WEATHER FAN! And I DO NOT like COLD WEATHER AT ALL!!!

So when it comes to spring and summertime, I like to be OUTSIDE! It’s really hard to get me to do something in the winter unless it’s like a has-to-be-done-now type of deal... with that being said, I have also found that when it comes to my most joyful moments, a general passion for helping others in as many ways as I can definitely ranks in the top tier!

And lately I’ve been doing a lot of that! From working on cars to painting an apartment for a fresh start, cleaning out a garage to help bring a project to life, working on washers and dryers, cutting grass, helping with nonprofit organizations through church, and volunteering there too, and all of that was just this month! I don’t say it to brag or complain. These are just the things I’ve been up to since I haven’t written in a while. And I completely suck at remembering to capture moments. I’m always fully indulged in the moment that it doesn’t even cross my mind until after the fact or well into whatever it is I’m up to. But I’m going to get better, that’s for sure!!!

Did I ever mention I went home for the first holiday in over a decade 🥲? It was truly a time had🖤💜, and for those family members of mine that support and read along. I promise it won’t be another ten years before I visit again.

Well, that’s all for now! But as you know, there will be more to come! If you have any questions, prompts, or ideas, please feel free to leave them in the comments, or you can message me directly. I promise I’m nicer than I look!😅

Until next time...

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With all love,

Author Johnell Newman 🥲🖤💜

It seems like this has been happening to me in more ways than I can even recall since the moment Lost But Not Left began to form…

As I sit here battling through another episode, I’ve been working on catching up my videos to my publications. And as I was plugging in pieces of how my self-talk was in part 2 of answering a comment, it truly showed me just how much I have grown from those dark times in my life.

Just plugging in a couple of different sections in both AI and Canva to create an image triggered a crisis call warning, where it popped up with numbers to call for help. And immediately, it just took me to a place of gratitude. Even though I say in many of my publications to make sure to take in the moments, small or large. It’s not just for others, but for me to remember, too. Even knowing it with the way life moves these days, it’s easy to lose sight of accomplishments and even answered prayers. But writing here has helped me stay connected to just how far I’ve come. I love it here on Substack.

I won’t make this long, but I also didn’t want to post it as a note.

Continue to love, continue to grow. And always make sure you celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. A wise woman once told me. Some of the smallest things can have the BIGGEST IMPACT!!!

With all love,

Johnell Newman 💜🖤

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Endless thoughts, restless nights, doubt, anger, pain, and misery were my norm. I didn’t call it suffering back then; I called it “my reality.” I carried a version of myself who only knew how to survive storms. I had done this for so long that I completely lost sight of how to live.

Imagine 2 NASCAR races, one going in reverse for negative thoughts. While another race goes forward with positive thoughts. Both on the same track. Tons of chaos and tons of collisions. This is the painted picture of my thoughts and self-talk.

Being hard on myself was natural. Stupid! You idiot! Why do you quit everything? You aren’t special; why would anybody want to hear your story? You can’t even keep a job! What did I do so wrong to deserve this? How come nothing I try feels right? Why does this world want me gone so badly? How did I end up like this? I’m not depressed, I’m angry! How come every time I feel like I made the right decision, it turns to 💩. Why am I so mean?

Why do these thoughts just keep playing over and over again? MAKE IT STOP!

This is what a glimpse into the nice version of what my self-talk looked like. I had held on to the way I felt for so many years; I couldn’t allow those close to me to see just how dark I really was, how mad I really got, or just how far my thoughts actually went. I used sarcasm to blur the lines of how I felt, creating the mask that I eventually couldn’t take off. I was numb to vulnerable feelings, and I lost sight of what love was. This feeling was so deep that I refused to repeat the words I love you. Let alone allow myself to receive them from anyone. I didn’t just wear a mean face, I claimed the title. This was from the start of my teenage years. And my anger and manic moments only grew from there…

Seeing that I almost lost my life at an early age. People used to always tell me that I had a purpose, that I was here for a reason.

It made my skin crawl!

They didn’t know how many younger kids I saw suffer worse than me. They didn’t see the aftermath of what I went through and still go through. They only see that I’m cancer-free. They don’t know what it’s like to always have to go to a specialist because you aren’t “normal” enough for a primary physician. I hated when people said that. It just made me shut down and throw my mask on. Thinking, how could you even begin to understand? But never once did I want even my worst enemies to experience what I went through at any point in my life. But in my darkest times. I hoped someone would push me to the point that I didn’t care anymore…

I grew up on the saying “What would Jesus do?” I even wore the bracelet and cried when it broke years later. But it stuck, and I told myself this over and over again, before ever acting on my thoughts...

Before I checked myself back into the mental hospital, the second time, I would literally walk around in the middle of the night from 3 to 6 am. Hoping that someone would try to attack me or rob me. I never wanted to harm anyone innocent, but in those times, I wanted someone to give me a reason to unleash all of my anger at once. Something I had never allowed myself to do before.

You see, bro, my self-talk wasn’t about quitting; it just gave me the perspective that I was a quitter. All I ever wanted was to achieve something. Something that wasn’t a medical battle…

When the vision to write a book was given to me. I was in the darkest, weakest place I had ever been emotionally, mentally, and physically. Although I felt like a quitter due to my own perceptions, one thing I never wanted to do was give up. My thought process was that I was put here to suffer. And I just wanted to know when I would have suffered enough…

My prayers on bad days when I could come home. My conscience was guilty. Why was I still here? There were so many other amazing children, teens, and adults with much better hearts. They deserved to turn their dreams into reality. And my decent day prayers were for a starting point, direction, and clarity.

So when I had a doctor tell me that my case was too difficult. I lost all the fight I had left. When I say my body went limp in that moment. It’s an understatement, but honestly, I don’t know any other way to describe it. After that, I checked in at the hospital and asked for a transfer myself. The psychiatrist pretty much said the same thing to me after 4 or 5 days of not being seen since I arrived…

When God gave me the vision for a book. It was the start I had been praying for. And even though at the time I couldn’t see it, because there was still such a long road ahead. It was that answered prayer that gave me a drive like one I had never felt before. So even when I struggle, bro, this feels like purpose. So quitting and giving up just isn’t even a thought process. And anger is so far gone, I really have to meditate, and go back and read through my old notes and journals just to be able to write about those times. But I thank you because even though others see it as me being vulnerable. It’s a way for me to see, and just thank God for all the ways he’s transformed me. It’s because of my experiences and the fact that I’m introverted and so observant that my passion runs so deep, and also how I’m able to see through the words of others to know that there are so many people in this world suffering, and the people close to them don’t even know how deeply. And in even more cases, there are so many people that don’t even realize that what they are going through is just that and not “reality” let alone carrying so much that was needed in another season and now only weighs them down…

“Lost But Not Left” wasn’t my idea, brought to life. It’s what came about as I began to share my testimony. And was formed through the pain I see others try to hide.

Keep the questions coming! We are only getting started…

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Johnell Newman

Dang bro! You really stumped me with this one! 😅 To say that I’ve been too busy to answer this would be an understatement. I just had to really think hard about this one🥴

You see this isn’t a simple answer by far, which is something I rarely have anyway so let’s get to it!

When I first read your question, I was almost embarrassed! The thing is I always looked at myself as a quitter from the time I had to stop doing martial arts until literally the moment when I told my therapist about it and she explained that I didn’t quit, I did what was necessary, and when she told me it was ok, I literally ugly cried. So, when I saw your question my first thought was, well how far do I go back…

Do I go back that far?

Do I start with my mental breakdown?

Or do I start with the first or second therapist?

I was completely shaken by your question. But at the same time, I absolutely loved it. And I’ve been thinking about it from the time I read that question on and off until today as I’m finally writing this out….

I believe I’ve shared this before, but I can’t remember so I’m going to share it again. This is something I wrote while completely frustrated. Long before I ever started writing seriously…

For a while now I’ve debated on what all I’d include. Would I hold back things to spare feelings or tell all my truths?

For me, the only way to do so is to come out without anger. Would be to drop the pain, hurt, and traumas into words in ink, so it’s without danger.

When it comes to my feelings, that’s a vulnerable state, and with me, I’ve only seen that end in a few ways.

There can be understanding and we can have peace. But if I feel continuous attempts to attack. My temper can be quick on its feet.

That’s when my words can become genuine and cut deep.

If an attempt to continue is pushed. My discipline is strong, and that’s when I’ll just shut down and leave it alone.

I let the ink tell how I feel, because with deep feelings and things I’m passionate about. Vocally, the right words just don’t come out

You see my mind races at a pace faster than my vocals can keep up. When I was a child I stuttered, so when that happens even that begins to piss me off.

Don’t get me wrong clearly, I can voice my opinions, but when it comes to voicing my feelings, I’m not that in control.

When I was young my feelings got thrown under the table it was “you’ll be alright, a bible verse, or completely dismissed like I was wrong or couldn’t have those feelings.

Once I become angry my cares go out the door I don’t love, I don’t trust, and honestly, I would rather not see you anymore.

It’s why I hate being angry, it makes me dismiss my morals to a certain extent. And in that moment is when I remember who I represent.

This is why you’ve heard me say Jesus holds my screws because without him, I’d be scared of what I’d do.

I was mean as a child for reasons I can’t explain but God saving me from cancer took my discipline to a different domain.

I will truly walk away before I cause damage. That’s my understanding of turning a cheek because I won’t stick around for it to continue to happen to me.

This is why I write to express how I feel, it comes out better, genuine, and real. It can’t be denied or ignored or cut off before even being able to explore the expressions coming from my vocal cords. If you don’t finish reading what I write. That just tells me there wasn’t enough care for us to move forward at all

When I write and it sounds confusing it’s because it’s meant to be. I want it to be seen how difficult it becomes for me to think.

The only way I express myself is if I feel I can trust you. Otherwise, I wouldn’t care enough to think of you twice because my goals are bigger than my life. So, it would be a simple laugh and a nice f u

I’ve been through too much to settle for anything less. God brought me through cancer, pneumonia with a breathing tube, years of denied depression, a broken face, an attempted suicide, and a great deal of family mess.

There’s no way I’m still here if I don’t have a calling. When I’ve had so many great people lose their lives while mine has been continuously saved and evolving.

I’ve cut off my parents’ sister and entire family without a second thought. I’m numb to attachments in many ways I don’t even tell anyone I love them, but I hope to one day

The only thing I care about at this point is myself and my goals I’d love to find a soulmate, but I’d be fine with peace and scrooge money in that order… I don’t mind being alone. It’s actually my comfort zone.

I know this doesn’t answer your question fully, but I hope it’s a start.

To think back on the way, I used to be is such a difficult task, I’m a completely different person. And dealing with memory loss since the age of 12, it’s going to take some time and a lot more effort to clearly answer just how far gone I was…. I was extremely mean and known for being an asshole, and I wore the title with pride. I was sarcastic about so many things that it blurred the lines for how I really felt. I wore a mask to hide my feelings and emotions so much that I became numb to any feeling other than anger. People felt timid around me because I was known for snapping at even the slightest of issues. It’s an old saying that misery loves company, but in my case, I was miserable and didn’t want company, so I pushed people away, and for the ones that I couldn’t avoid, I made them feel a version of my misery out of pure hatred for my situation. It was so much deeper than self-talks. At one point, I literally remember punching myself in the face because I hated what my life had become after losing my job at Wells Fargo and having to accept that without support and people who loved me, I would have been on the streets in jail, or killed. This is why I’m so passionate about helping others and promoting Lost But Not Left. Because there’s so much that I went through that I can’t remember but hearing the stories of others and seeing what people go through, I wish I could just hand everyone a copy of the book because I truly took the time to think about all those that suffer in silence and worse the ones that don’t even know they are suffering like I didn’t and denied for years!

Until next time…

I love you all,

Johnell Newman

And as always, all of my links will be listed below. Thank you for your time and willingness to read along! And for those of you that have been rocking with me, I am truly grateful for each and every one of you in ways that I can’t even begin to express🖤💜

Book Link:

Amazon Link to Lost But Not Left

Guide Links:

5-Day guide is here on Payhip

It’s also here on Gumroad!

Lastly, you can always click here to buy me a ☕(donations), and also the 5-Day Guide is here as well!

All other social links are here!

Linktree

And for all who want to join us on this journey, here’s a button for you!

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Hello, my favorite people! I hope all is well!

It’s time to jump back into the story! But before we do so, we have to take a couple of steps back….

When the movie The Forge first came out, I remember all of my immediate family wanted to see it. But as you found out from day 16.5, it was extremely easy for me to say no. I said no, honestly, before even looking to see what the movie was about. Being so stuck in my own world and on becoming a better writer, I hardly ever knew what was going on in the world. I just prayed for the best for everyone and continued to focus on becoming a better version of myself and honing my craft. Eventually, when the movie was available to stream, I stumbled across it and absolutely loved it. I didn’t regret not going to see it with family, even though to some that may sound harsh. But at this point in time, like I said the other day, my number one priority was becoming comfortable enough with my writing so that when it came time to publish a finished product, I would be able to do so with some sort of confidence. I remember jokingly saying that if I had a mentor, I’d probably have a book out in no time. But little did I know that would soon become true…

Kyle S King wasn’t just a perfect mentor; he was the perfect mentor for me. I’m not a person who’s easily swayed because I have my own thoughts and views that I stand on, even if I can’t always voice them right away. It took some time before we were actually able to meet in person.

But once we did. I truly started to understand just how much you can grow in a small amount of time. Or, in my case, have someone who can see and show you just how many leaps and bounds you have already overcome. And for me, that’s what Kyle was and did! Is so many ways that I can’t even begin to start to list.

Every meeting felt like another gate unlocked, another moment on a cloud. But looking back now, I can see that he was the person who helped me the most to bring this dream of writing a book and bringing it into existence. I never thought that a 20-minute conversation could turn into a growth connection, a friendship, a brotherhood, a mentorship, a published self-help/memoir book, and so much more!

I’m so thankful that I didn’t quit on myself, that I didn’t quit on him when I realized that it wasn’t my autobiography that he was going to help me with. I honestly never thought I’d write a self-help book until I was in my 50s, but clearly God had other plans, and I could never be more grateful for choosing to allow him to lead the way. I’ve been through so much and experienced so many different versions of pain, and every day I can see that pain in the eyes of others, and that’s why I took this challenge of writing Lost But Not Left. Even in the beginning stages of it, I didn’t think I was ready. I’ve gotten so many great compliments and so many praises and wows in amazement of not just what I’ve been through, but being able to write about it. But as I stated many times before.

This is only the beginning…. I still have so much more to share.

Stay tuned!

Oh, and I did my second book event last Saturday, and I must say I am ready to continue doing them!🥲

I will continue to leave links for my book, the links for my guide, and the link for all of my social media!

Book Link:

Amazon Link to Lost But Not Left

Guide Links:

5-Day guide is here on Payhip

It’s also here on Gumroad!

Lastly, you can always click here to buy me a ☕(donations), and also the 5-Day Guide is here as well!

Thank you so much for your time, support, and for helping me spread the word…

That anything is possible, and even in the darkest times, true happiness can still be found!

Subscribe now

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, yes, this is the same person that I did my first and only interview to date with… I’ll add that link too!

With all love,

Johnell Newman, Author Johnell Newman🖤💜

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For just over a decade, my answer to everything was ‘no.’ No, I don’t want to go on a trip or take a vacation. I didn’t want to do anything! Even if it did sound like fun. I said no to trips to go home, no to Vegas, no to beach trips, and no to anything else that felt like it was going to keep me away from writing. And even when I learned to stop being so hard on myself, I still said no to just about everything. This was when I began to start hiking and doing little, simple things that brought me joy. I knew I’d never truly enjoy a vacation again until I had a book out. Or at least that was what I thought. But I still turned down just about everything. I wasn’t trying to punish myself anymore, but in my mind, there was still so much for me to do. Just finishing the book began to feel like it was the beginning and not the end, and I still had so much more to learn and so much more work to put in. I knew I wouldn’t truly enjoy myself with that being the case. And I definitely didn’t want to be a Debbie Downer for any trips I was invited to go on… but this time was different! I may not be where I want to be in my life, and my bank accounts may not show equally for all of the hard work I’ve put in. But I finally felt like I could say yes without a guilty conscience for all that I dream of bringing into reality. I’m grateful for my support team and for everyone who’s joined me on this journey, but just know, this is still only the beginning!!!

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5 Day Guide and Donations! (☕ Buy me a coffee)

My Amazon Book Link!

5 Day Guide (Gumroad)

5 Day Guide Link! (Payhip)

Link to all of my social media accounts! (Linktree)

Thank you for taking the time to read along and for joining me on this amazing journey!

Love Always,

Johnell Newman!

What a month! I may not have written on here as much as I wanted to, and yet, even with that being the case. This month has still been nothing short of amazing! Yes, even through the episodes and cold…

After considering book sales and how I could encourage more people to feel confident when purchasing from me, I decided to create a 5-day guide, which is now available on my BuyMeACoffee.com page. I set it to a minimum of $ 1, but you can choose your own price. While brainstorming this guide, I was invited to a part of another person’s book launch, and once again, although I was excited, I was also extremely nervous. So much so that the nights leading up to it became hard for me to even fall asleep from my mind racing. While working on building out this guide and doing my best to prepare for my first-ever in-person book launch. I did my best to stay engaged here on Substack, but the truth is my mind was in so many different places I couldn’t sit down to even brainstorm what to write as a publication or a note. But oddly enough, I still managed to hit 200 subscribers just yesterday! And this is after feeling like I had been stuck in slow motion for a while, and not just with book sales and progress, but growth on here as well.

I’m so grateful to all of you for being a part of my journey and growing with me! It’s truly an honor that I don’t take lightly for sure.

And even though I like to get caught up in the present moment, I did remember to take a few pictures this time! So I will be posting those in a note or 2 later on today or tomorrow!

As always, all my links will be listed below. Please subscribe if you haven’t already and check out the new guide on my Buy Me a Coffee page! Available as a PDF to do online, and I also created a mostly black and white version for anyone who would like to print it out! I will also include my linktree link with all of my other content pages, as well as link to Lost But Not Left!

Subscribe now

This is my book link!

5 Day Guide and donations are under this link!

Love always,

Johnell Newman

Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I wrote a publication here. Between creating new things that will be coming soon🤫😎, chronic illness episodes, and now some version of a head cold. Staying consistent on here hasn’t really been easy to do, but hey, that was never the plan anyway, seeing that I don’t make plans. But today, even though I feel like crap and my energy feels drained, it’s been on my mind to finish this, which I sadly started two weeks ago. But anyway, let’s jump into today’s story without further ado!

If you’ve been reading along, you already know that I am extremely introverted. And honestly, how I became a popular loner is still a mystery to me, even though it’s very accurate. So, when it came to my favorite coordinator saying she would connect me with someone, I was both interested, due to my struggles with writing, but I was also extremely nervous. My mind was literally racing about who this person was, and also how we were going to connect, and most of all,l how he was going to be able to help me when I had no clue how to explain how difficult the entire process was. I also definitely knew I wasn’t going to be the first person to reach out. I barely do that with people I’m close to. And yes, I know that’s probably not the best way to be a friend, but honestly, I feel like the people closest to me understand.

At the end of the day, I just don’t want to bother anyone. But anyway, I don’t want to jump too far off topic that I can’t bring it back to the point of this publication. Interestingly enough, not being able to stay on topic or connect dots well is how writing kept me from skipping grades. Funny how, with that being the case,e I would eventually become an author. Still even blows my mind. Crazy how things work out. And that’s how I’m going to connect all of this.

When she first told me she might know someone who could help, my initial reaction was excitement. But then the racing thoughts started to begin. I was hoping she gave him my number, so I didn’t have to reach out to him. But what she did was very fitting and calmed my nerves in the slightest of ways. She put the three of us into a group chat to introduce us. And seeing that I had never been in a position of the sort, I didn’t know what to do other than to write hello, thank you,u andweI left it at that. A few weeks went by, and while I was going through yet another episode. He called and left a voicemail. I was upset with myself for not seeing the call, because this now put me back in the scenario I didn’t want to be in, and that was me having to call. I listened to the voicemail like ten times,s paced back and forth for what felt like hours, rs and then I researched the guy, hoping it would motivate me to pick up the phone and call him back. This was me for the next few days until I finally got myself to call him back. But of course, I didn’t stay there long. I think I hung up after a ring and a half if I let it ring that long! My heart was beating so fast I couldn’t take it. I literally felt like this must be how fans feel when they meet their favorite celebrity. Because I definitely felt like I was about to pass out. Like Michael Jackson fans did at his concert,s and this was just over me making a simple phone call. I won’t even begin to confuse you by saying that I worked at call centers and also had jobs specifically doing outbound calls, ls but somehow this was still getting the best of me. And although I’ve become pretty good at explaining things, this most definitely does not qualify as one. I have no clue how to explain it.

Over the next couple of days, we played phone tag consistently missing each other’s calls; my phone literally stayed silent. And before trying to make content, it barely even stayed in my hands or near me unless I was listening to music. The,n final, ly it happened, we had our first 20-minute conversation, 10 mins of me stuttering over my words do my best to explain where I was and a bit of what I went through, and then ten minutes of notetaking from him with concepts I had never heard or thought to try. And immediately after we got off the phone, I ordered his book before I even took a minute to calm my nerves and sit down and process the notes I took. Mind you, I NEVER took notes in school, to me it was pointless, since I couldn’t read my handwriting anyway.

But for the next 2 weeks, I used everything he said in the phone call as I went back through from the beginning of my autobiography to my stuck point. And when he called again. This was the moment that things were really about to start to change.

Stay tuned in!

There’s still so much more to come!

As always,s thank you so much for your time and support!

Subscribe now

This is my book link!

If you would like to donate, you can always...get me a☕here Link

Love always,

Johnell Newman

First, I want to thank everyone who reads my publications...

I didn’t think I’d have one follower outside of my brother, who talked me into writing on here.

Yet even when episodes of my chronic illness keeps me away from writing and being as active, somehow the number of people subscribing continues to grow…

I am beyond grateful for each and every one of you who reads along and is a part of this journey with me.

I wish I had the words to express just how deeply my gratitude goes, but I honestly just can’t seem to find the words to express it in a way that would fit.

And even though that is so, the mission behind it all is to grow the number of people who are willing to act and grab a copy of Lost But Not Left.

So many people speak about mental health these days, and it’s truly amazing.

But at the same time, there are still so many people who are struggling, and even more who don’t even know it’s happening.

Too often, I’ve heard statements like “ I live in the real world, it’s just my reality, my dreams are just dreams, and that’s just the surface level of things. And it breaks my heart because I’ve been there and I’ve been in downward spirals to even darker spaces.

There are so many reasons behind why I wrote Lost But Not Left. But my story and my passion behind it are only a small fraction. And I will continue to do my best to keep doing that here.

I poured my heart out throughout this book, and there were so many times that as I went through the editing stages, I would just be in tears. Like I wasn’t even the one who wrote it.

If you like the way I write on here.

Get ready because this book is on a completely different level!

I love you all, and I’m honored to have readers, followers, subscribers, and even people who have donated and bought a paid subscription. And it truly all still blows my mind in every way.

But please help me to help others by getting a copy and helping me spread the word. I know I can’t do it alone. But with a community like the one that’s becoming here, I know we can do it together!

And as always, I will have the links below with the titles to where they lead!

Directly to my book link!

This is my linktree to everything!

Here you can buy me a ☕!

Subscribe now

With all love,

Johnell Newman

Hello everyone! And thank you for your patience. This conclusion publication has really had me feeling stuck for weeks!

I didn’t want to write something simple or stay on the shallow end of things to wrap up my why in one publication, and as I’ve stated previously, I also couldn’t do so without including a who. I’ve done so much overthinking about this conclusion that I never got past the first few paragraphs. I didn’t like the way any of them started, so I decided to try something different today. I wanted to see what AI had to say. Since I’ve been plugging in all of my publications into it to come up with thumbnails, I wanted to see what it came up with. And when I say that it had me in tears, I couldn’t believe that I connected with what it wrote so well, or that it almost had me in tears reading it. I’m too authentically me to ever post what it wrote, but it did put some things into perspective for me. I’ve been writing about my why in every publication from day one, all the way up to day 13. My why isn’t about one person, one reason, or one moment…

It’s an accumulation of my entire life to this point!

I’m not someone who’s been through one thing. My testimony is my life story, and my why is everyone who connects or feels something as they read along…

So with that clarity, I’m scratching the entire idea of trying to write a conclusion at all. Let alone trying to do it all in one publication.

Just writing that part felt like it took a weight off my shoulders!

Ok, so now to jump back into things and continue this journey of introducing myself to the world, and the world to my first book!

As I began to fall back from serving as much at church, things began to fall into place with volunteering at camp. I found myself feeling like I was letting writing go. But that all started to change once I finally put my application in. Because it meant that even if I couldn’t remember anything from when I was a camper, I could still write about the experience I would have as a counselor, and the more I talked to my bro about it, the more confidence I gained with being able to handle the experience…

It was around this time that I was reached out to by the coordinator I worked closely with at church. She was looking for someone to help her with a new business venture and thought of me. I was so honored that she thought of me that I felt like I couldn’t say no, even though at the end of the day, I knew I didn’t want to be put in a position to be dependable again. So, after some time of going back and forth about the idea of it, I told her that I would be willing to help out in the beginning until she was able to find people, and also that I didn’t want to be the person she relied on. I had learned long ago at that point that it only led to my letting people down when they began to depend on me. I told her that my main priority was writing and prioritizing writing. I felt bad for saying no, but I knew it was for the best in the long run. But what I didn’t expect was that she would respond saying, she may know someone who could help me, and asked if I was ok with her reaching out to them to try and connect us… I mean, I already knew that she was extremely kind-hearted, but that was something that I never expected. Her willingness to do so after pretty much getting a no from me literally made me cry…

I’m a strong person, but I must say that going through therapy gave me the confidence to not always try to be the strongest person. WHICH allowed me to let my tears flow without regret….

I don’t write because I want to be known.

I don’t want to become a best-selling author because I want riches.

I write because this is what I was called to do!

I write because where my spoken words fall short, my writing picks up and goes the distance.

I want to become a best-selling author because all my life, as I’ve told pieces of my story, I’ve heard that this is a testimony that needs to be heard. And because I truly believe that this book has the potential to change the lives of people who don’t even know they’re struggling, as well as for those who do but don’t know what to do about it.

If you are already a subscriber, I just want to say thank you. I never would have thought that after such a short time, so many people would want to join me on this journey. But I want you to know that I am truly grateful for every single person who reads along.

And for those that haven’t, here’s a button so you can join along too, so you don’t miss anything!

Subscribe now

Please share, like, and comment

Here’s my all-in-one link if you would like to look at my social pages; my book link is also here!

The link to all of my links!

Oh, and I can’t forget! If you would like to support me but don’t want to buy a membership, you can always buy me a coffee! Thank you in advance!😁

☕ You can buy me a coffee here!

Remember, there is always more than one way to go about things! Don’t be so hard on yourself, take a moment to step back and widen your view, the answers are more than likely right outside of the narrow view…

Until next time, I hope you enjoy the remainder of your week!

With all love,

Johnell Newman

I’ve been noticing that things I tend to look over seem to be things that I should share… During a conversation with my mentor, I threw out a few things in the middle of our conversation, and he stopped me mid-sentence to ask me if I had written about it. To be completely honest, the thought never even crossed my mind. So today, that’s what I want to make this publication: a deep explanation of a few things.

Due to my chronic illness, I have no desire to try to fit into any schedule or create a demand for my time. My episodes occur randomly; I wouldn’t even think of putting myself into that scenario again. Nor would I want to disappoint others. With that being said, the “Day” title represents the days that I am actually able to put out a publication. Not for my consistency, which I do not measure. I do my best when I can, and that's simply that. And the .5 is simply because I’m just that random.

When it comes to the pictures I post, they wouldn’t even exist if I had my way. Everything would be pictures of clouds lol. But if that's the sacrifice I had to make for others to connect, it's one I was willing to take, and that my sister almost cried every moment from the time I asked her if she would take them, through the moment of the last click. I am normally the person who doesn’t like to be in photos at all, and to those who know me well, know that I will do a disappearing act if I even see a camera or someone coming, or even if it seems like they're looking in my direction. Poof! I have to be completely into what I’m doing to catch myself. Or I felt bad. And I must say she did an amazing job, people thought that I had a professional take pictures of me. Thank you!

But to swim into even deeper waters, these pictures had an even deeper meaning. This was the only way I could talk myself into doing it. They all had to be at places that my dad built. The only one that wasn’t was at the Levine Hospital, and that because that was my final stipulation, I had to take a picture at the hospital where I not only got my chemo treatments, but the hospital that saved my life during that time when pneumonia tried to take me out, and they were able to keep me alive! The first place I wanted to go ended up being the last place I was able to go. But it worked out because it was the first place I got to take a picture with the first sold and signed copy of my book!

He was never just a brick mason; he was the guy they called when the job was too difficult for others, and the one who still gets called on as a specialist in his field. He’s just now doing it as an amazing foreman who cares about every aspect of his craft.

It’s the resilience of my parents that gave me the drive to push through. Even when I didn’t believe in myself and felt completely lost in every way. But their stories aren’t mine to share.

Subscribe now

All my links are here!

☕You could always buy me a coffee!

Thank you, everyone, for being a part of my journey and growing with me!

With all love,

Johnell Newman

Day 13!

When night falls, and the stars begin to glow. This is the time when my desire to write is at its peak...

Here we go!

My writing was improving, and progress on my book was slow, but at least I was making some. I was consistently serving as one of the coordinators at church. After only a short period of time serving. And I was finally able to start attending the camp care walks again as a volunteer. After signing up and not being able to show up a couple of years in a row prior. I loved every minute of it, then I hit another roadblock! So, to keep from feeling the full effect of being stuck, I drowned myself in serving even more!

My health issues started to cause me to miss more time, and my inability to be dependable started to take a toll on me again. And just so happened that at this time, I was asked if I was going to be a part of the camp. And my first instinct was to run. I didn’t think I could handle going to camp. But to no coincidence, this was the same thing I was stuck with in my autobiography! So instead of saying no, I said I would think about it. And the rest of the day was spent making me feel comfortable about it. I will truly be grateful to you! You even signed your name on my shirt on my back shoulder, so I will never forget that you will always have my back. You made stepping out of my comfort zone easy, and you took me under your wing. Not only did it make me feel comfortable, but because of you, I was able to have a path to becoming unstuck, even though at the time I didn’t even realize it. You saw in me what I hadn’t noticed in myself...

I went back and forth about putting in an application for what felt like forever. I even left the tab open on my laptop and looked at it every day. Then one day, I ran into one of my cancer brothers, whom I actually met at camp, not even realizing he lived in the same area as me. Between conversations with those two, I decided to put in my application, and although I was extremely nervous, I was also excited in my own way. I’m grateful to you as well, bro, because I don’t think I would have done it if you weren’t so willing to go and kept conversations going leading up to it, to help me feel comfortable and not get in my head about it. We even rode together, and it was the best experience I had in my life. Even though my social anxiety, I still made new friends and had great conversations that went deep fast, with complete understanding, and little explanations, almost finishing each other’s statements when the loss of words began to hit. This wasn’t a camp experience that can be written completely out in a publication but just know that I had holes in my heart that were healed that I didn’t even know were there... and even through the hard emotions, it always led back to smiles through pure love and understanding from every angle and person that I was blessed to have an interaction with. And the most important thing about it all was that my family grew.

I don’t ever want to miss another event or camp ever again. Instead of 20 years, I want to be there for the next 20+

There are so many reasons behind my why. There’s no way I could answer that question in a simple statement. I can’t answer simple questions in short that are tied so deeply to me....

But my honest prayer is that as these publications come out. That you would start to understand just how truly passionate I am about helping others. Because there have been so many who have helped me.

I wrote Lost But Not Left because it’s what I needed when I was at my lowest. It’s not a journal. It’s not just a memoir or a self-help book.

This book is a guide for those who struggle and don’t know they are struggling. For those who work to perfection and never give themselves any grace. For those who cry in the dark. And smile in the light. For those who. Have felt pains that can’t be explained, for those who have been told they have a testimony or potential They couldn’t see. And for those who feel misunderstood or struggle to express themselves.

I’ve never fit in a category, so I don’t care about a niche, a hashtag, or an algorithm...

Because after all I’ve been through here, I still stand, but now I am authentically me...

Oh, and to all of my followers and subscribers, I want to say thank you, I wasn’t that I needed to take time off. I’ve been working behind the scenes and created visuals for all previous days! Available now on YouTube and TikTok!

To be continued…

Oh, yeah! I forgot to mention that all of my links are in one place now!

https://linktr.ee/johnell.newman

Thank you for joining me on my journey and growing with me!

And if this is your first read, feel free to join along too!

Subscribe now

For those who would like to show a little extra love, I do like coffee lol.

☕small donations accepted here

With all love,

Johnell Newman!

I found you.

At a moment when I was too hard on myself to see.

That I actually needed a break, a break from me.

A break from my thoughts as a whole.

A break from struggling to write.

A break from researching, reflecting, and connecting dots.

A break from battling mental issues and an unanswered chronic medical illness, and the pains and issues that lingered from my past medical conditions.

A break from only being able to feel positive about my future, when I was making progress.

A break from being angry every time I had to go backwards or became stagnated.

You taught me how to be in the moment.

How to smile through my pain, and mean it.

You helped me learn to take in a beautiful scene.

You taught me how to be humble.

And that I didn’t need a drastic change to truly feel happiness.

You taught me how to give myself grace as I learned to fall forward.

And that no challenge could stop me.

You taught me how to accept rest because it’s needed.

And how to keep my peace even when I feel defeated.

Seeing things from a bird’s eye view really changed my perspective.

But it’s the journey with you that will always be protected.

My love for you grows stronger each and every day….

What do you think this is about?

Take a couple of guesses, and I’ll let you know if it’s true

I don’t know where this came from.

But here we are.

Thank you for reading!

I hope you have enjoyed at least one moment each day this week!

Back to why I wrote.

Lost But Not Left pssst! Here’s the link!

Book Link!

It will still be coming soon!

Oh, and if you’re new here, here’s a subscribe button for you!

No pressure

Subscribe now

One last thing, if you’ve felt the desire to donate but don’t want to do a monthly thing, here’s a donation link!

☕Not monthly, just a coffee

We're upgrading y’all!

With all love,

Johnell Newman

First, I would like to apologize that day 12’s post is happening so far away from day 11. The truth is, I was battling with my chronic stomach issues along with the flu! I don’t even think I got out of bed on Christmas Day! So, I decided that I would take the rest of the time to focus on recovery. But I never expected it would take this long, nor did I think that I would be coming back and having over 100 subscribers! You are all truly amazing, and I am grateful for every single one of you who has clicked to become a subscriber. And I’m honored that you all are so willing to read my work!

My original plan was to make this the conclusion for why I wrote Lost But Not Left. Which is now AVAILABLE!!!

But after rereading my last 2 posts, that’s just not going to be the case. This would either become extremely long, or I would have to skip and leave out a lot. And honestly, I just can’t do that to you all… So!

Let’s jump back in…

When I say that I researched myself, I mean that in every way you can think of. Trying to continue the organization that my therapist had already helped me with and through. Sometimes the gaps, blanks, and realization that I have feelings with no connected memories made writing extremely difficult. Sometimes it would hit so hard that I couldn’t even open my laptop for months at a time. The deeper I went, the more it happened, and because of the same reason, every time I began to write again, I had to read through it all, reliving everything just to be able to continue to write, doing my best to edit through the rivers of tears that flowed from my eyes. While still dealing with stomach issues that had no answers. I had to start reading every ingredient in everything I ate. The list of things I couldn’t eat grew so large that it was easier to just say what I did like, and to this day, that’s something I still deal with, but after 10 years of this, I’ve gotten myself to the best possible way I could. And although I do my best to minimize my health issues, I still randomly have episodes. So, I had to learn how to be patient with myself and my craft… the more I changed things, the more it made me cry as my writing got better, yet to this day the first draft to part one of my autobiography has never been finished…. As I went through this emotional roller coaster, I bought a project car. One that didn’t really run and that had sat for years under a tree. In my mind, I loved working on cars, so I thought it would be a good pastime, and I didn’t feel stagnant. But the reality was… My tiny disability check made that just as stressful as writing did, if not worse! I didn’t care about not being able to go out or anything. I was perfectly fine staying in a blacked-out room in my spare time. Only requiring 2 hours of sleep since I was a baby gave me plenty of time to become comfortable in the dark. I don’t dream asleep, I dream awake. And although I can write during the day. It’s something about watching the sunset and writing through the night until the sunrises again that just comforts me….

This was a hard cycle that I went through for literally years! But still, even though I didn’t notice it, I was growing and becoming… Still taking trips up the mountain, doing what I could when I could to make ends meet when my check didn’t. But going backwards was no longer an option or a thought. And the more I grew, the more I fought through with grace. And although I noticed my peace. I still didn’t truly understand how much I had overcome or grown. I just kept my head down and tried to do better than the day before. And when I couldn’t, I did my best to focus on what I noticed as far as accomplishments went. Along this part of my journey, I found yet another best-selling author with a course at a discounted price. And it just so happened that at this point, I could afford it! And I wasted no time joining! I did 8 courses a day just to put into perspective how much time I truly spent learning. And this is while still doing every single other thing as well. Sometimes when I write this stuff out, I feel like I should erase it because there is a lot about my story that just doesn’t make sense. For instance, I never wrote that it was after my first treatment that my 5 tumors were completely gone… The number of people who don’t believe my story to be true without proof. Far exceeds the number of people who actually believe without needing evidence of some sort.

This is why today just couldn’t be the conclusion…

My why isn’t something that can be expressed so simply; it’s embedded throughout my testimony.

We haven’t even gotten to the part where I got stuck completely in my autobiography…

So how could I possibly explain what inspired me to write Lost But Not Left?

When in fact it’s a who….

There’s just still so much behind it to tell….

But hey! That’s why we are here!

So, you can truly understand why I wrote Lost But Not Left! And why I need your help to get the word out!

We are getting there, but there’s still a lot more of the picture that needs to be painted.

To know why my autobiography was put on hold.

For Lost but Not Left to be born!

Available now!

Lost But Not Left Link

Until next time…

Thank you for taking the time to read along. If you've connected in any way, have any questions, or are excited for the next publication because the anticipation is getting to you. Please feel free to like, comment, and or

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With all love,

Johnell Newman

Hello and welcome TO! DAY! 11!

I used to say things like, ‘You can only find my feelings in the lyrics of someone else’s song.’

The music of many genres has gotten me through various times in my life. There were plenty of those moments when I couldn’t cry, but deep down I felt like I needed to. I would literally have to fall into the songs completely, singing along all off tune, feeling every word just to attempt to let it out…

But I didn’t realize my connection to music was because of the creative ways that the words were laid on the track. Honestly, this is a connection I’m making now as I paint the picture of the story behind Lost But Not Left. My soon-to-be-published book!

As I slowly became meticulous and shut down all things negative, the way I saw things as I reflected began to change. And the more movies I watched, the more I began to try and watch them from the writer’s perspective. The further I dug, the more it made me want to keep learning. I literally watched a sermon every day and then went back to read the entire chapter from the referenced scriptures after each one, and when I still struggled to understand, I went to YouTube. Eventually, coming across the bible project, I watched every episode (I love that channel)! I continued to work with my therapist, and the more I did, my brain began to unlock.

It was no longer a demolition match in my head; it became precision racing. Like the speed and congestion of NASCAR, with paths leading in many directions, like the curves of F1, and wild and out-of-the-box thoughts and ideas like rally racing. But the beautiful part about it was that the collisions were at an all-time low. With this being the case, I started learning from everything I could find that was free! And that included all things dealing with writing, literature, and reading, and I even took a couple of bible courses through Hillsdale College, all for the sake of trying to become a writer. I even signed up for Zooms and webinars I could find, too. While I still wrote samples about my feelings on the side, and little by little, my writing began to change. It wasn’t from a dark place anymore. But still, there was something that kept me feeling like I was stuck in a burnout pit, spinning tires endlessly and getting nowhere, like at the start of my favorite type of racing, Drag racing! I wasn’t being as hard on myself as I was before. But now I was rushing and forcing everything. I couldn’t handle the feeling of being stagnant. Days of lying in misery had already taken so much of my time; I hated feeling like I wasn’t making progress when I felt like I should and could actually do something. It wasn’t until I heard a sermon about moving at the pace of grace that I began to truly understand that I had been hard on myself in more ways than one, and on so many different levels… I had heard many people tell me in my life that the things I’ve been through weren’t my fault, but when my therapist said it, it hit me to my core! It was like she looked straight through me and spoke directly to my inner child, who was still hurt. This hit me hard, and I cried for the first time from the inside out, and it was also the first time I cried during one of our sessions.

That evening: between the revelation of learning about the pace of grace, my therapist telling me that my experiences weren’t my fault, and that it was ok. I couldn’t handle the multitude of emotions that were flooding through, and I remember praying and asking God if he would do to me like the Ethiopian Eunuch in the bible. When he asked to be baptized at that moment. I took a shower, having faith that he would, and I dunked my head underwater backwards 3 times just like I had seen them do in all the movies. And when I tell you it felt like a weight was lifted that I didn’t know I was carrying. My my my….

I began to cry in a whole new way. I was no longer crying for help; this was me crying out of gratitude for the first time! It wasn’t clear, but I felt hints of how far I had come…

It was also around this same time that I would be able to take a course with a best-selling author. And not just any best-selling author, she’s a national one! I couldn’t afford it the first time I saw it, but I subscribed to her newsletter anyway, just in case. And even though to her it may not have been, to me it was divine intervention! The course had dropped hundreds of dollars, and even though I still didn’t have it, I felt like it was a much easier number for people to swallow if I asked for help, even if they didn’t believe in me. What could I say? I honestly didn’t either. But I wasn’t going to give up. Before I could even begin to explain it all, my cousin, who understands me the deepest, had already put the money in my account. I cried a lot. But this was the start of being able to cry for joy because even the smallest of things was going my way. And her course was truly amazing. She not only helped me begin to hone my craft and get better at expressing myself, but she also gave me the confidence to feel like I could one day become an author. And maybe even a best-selling one too! By the end of her course, I had 3 book titles and 2 outlines done, and I had already started writing chapter 3 of my autobiography!

I was starting to see the difference between forcing my way through things and dealing with them at the pace of grace. Even though I felt like I was moving slower, and to others it even seemed like I wasn’t accomplishing anything at all. I had been accomplishing more than I could even keep up with! And even though at the time I couldn’t tell. I was taking steps closer and closer to truly being at peace! As it became close to the time for therapy to end, I can remember my therapist asking me if I wanted to see another therapist. And for once, my answer was clear.

No, that’s ok when our sessions stop. I am going to let the Holy Trinity be my therapist.

And for our remaining weeks, she made sure that I was prepared, and in that same time, this was when she cleared me of every single mental health diagnosis that was placed upon me, since the time of my mental breakdown while working at Wells Fargo…

This is why it seems like I’m on repeat when I keep mentioning to make sure that you take moments throughout the day to find the beauty in it.

Sometimes the best way for us to “Catch up” is to slow down!

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Help me to grow this community so that when this pre-launch stage is over, we can work as a team to reach as many people as possible together to get this book into as many hands as we can!

I don’t tell my story for fame; I tell my story to connect! That’s why my book is called Lost But Not Left. Because I want anyone who has ever felt like they’ve worn a mask, heard that they were hard on themselves, ever felt lost, ever related to being misunderstood, and to anyone who has ever suffered and struggled, to know that they aren’t alone!

With all love,

Johnell Newman

I’ve had so many conversations that touched my heart since my first post, and I am beyond grateful for every single one! But there was one that had me almost in tears reading through literally every reply!

This was after being asked 3 questions that I just don’t have a short answer for. (Thank you for understanding)! With that being said, I’m going to do my best to answer, but just like my brother’s question, I can’t make any promises that it will be in one post.

So, here we go…

When I was a kid, I loved watching movies. I also watched a lot with my dad; it didn’t matter what we watched, from family movies to kid movies, movies about cars, and even movies about history. My dad used to always ask me what I got from it after it was over. Not the details, but what did I learned from them. What did I get from in between the spoken words, but I never understood why, nor did I ask. I actually found it to be fun. Plus, I just always assumed it was a way for me to learn to pay attention and observe my surroundings. I got fussed at a lot because I daydreamed a lot, even at a young age, I would be lost in my thoughts, this caused me to almost run into the street, and my dad had to run to grab me, or I would get tired of standing waiting, and I’d just walk off on both of my parents scaring them half to death. But after my therapist taught me to combat my thoughts and went through every piece of my life with me, I was able to see things differently.

As I learned to do this I began to see how many times I had been saved, how many times I had been so close to my last days but somehow overcoming them all, from 5 tumors at the age of nine, being resuscitated by the age of 11 and being out for 7 days, memory loss soon following, 100,000 dollars’ worth of facial reconstructive surgery, a medical condition with no true diagnosis even after many test and multiple doctors, and a mental breakdown that felt like it was going to take me out for good. To name a few.

Yet somehow, I was still here. And I was learning how to not just survive, she was teaching me how to live. She taught me how to be happy without needing to force it. I knew God, or at least I thought I did, and I had read the children’s bible on many occasions as a kid, but that was about it.

So, as I continued to focus on combating literally every single negative thought with a positive one, I began to watch movies about the bible, trying to read it was just too difficult. As I did, I began to slowly do the same thing I did as a kid. I watched them closely, and I did my best to connect to every character. And I began to notice connections; I had always heard that there’s nothing new under the sun and that we can learn from history. But I never connected the two.

This is how I learned to reflect with grace! It began the process of me truly healing even deeper, and that led to forgiving in ways I couldn’t have imagined!

This is what led me to hike to the top of a mountain. When my therapist suggested free activities. I wanted to see if it would help me connect deeper with why Jesus did it so much. And so that’s what I did, and I called it my spiritual journey. I had never hiked before, and honestly, I felt lost from the drive there and every step I took along the way. And even with that being the case, I felt so at peace. With a feeling like I was almost one with nature. Mind you, I was completely out of breath and walking ten times slower than my normal pace, but on the inside, I felt like I was crying tears of joy. Something I hadn’t felt without some sort of accomplishment tied to it. And all before I ever made it to the summit. Once I got up there, I felt so accomplished. I didn’t want to be around anyone, so I found myself a little space that was secluded from where everyone else was. I couldn’t even take in the beauty of all at first from the blurriness of my tears of joy that I could no longer hold as they began to just pour out. And in that moment, I knew I had not only started to change but that my transformation was on the way….

When I began to realize what a parable was, and that my dad had been teaching me to read between the lines since I was young. And I finally started to understand why so many people who heard pieces of my story say that I had a testimony, and how becoming an author was connected.

But writing a self-help book! This wasn’t something I saw myself doing. This is what pushed me to truly put my all into becoming the best version of myself as I learned how to become an author! So I could tell my story as parables. I didn’t know Lost But Not Left was going to be my first book. I thought it was going to be my autobiography!

I promise the answers to your questions are on the way!

Stay tuned!

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Until next time!

Reflection with grace can help you see things in ways you could have never imagined! At one point, I looked back at the child me and I cried for him. Now, when I look back, all I see are the best parts of him. And all I want to do is continue to make him proud!

Thank you! Just reading this means the world to me, and I can’t begin to find the words that truly express just how deeply I’m touched by everyone that does so…

With all love,

Johnell Newman!