Sometimes as I lay awake at night, my eyes sore from resisting sleep, I feel like I’m in the midst of a storm. It has swept up and displaced everything around me. The constant knot that rests in my stomach, a reminder that all is not well.

I have days where I wonder if I’ll ever be the same? What does it even mean to be the same? Can anyone truly stay the same? Unchanged by life’s ups and downs.

On these days, I feel like the trauma has infiltrated every part of my life, every small space, every tiny crevice. I feel so sad. For the life that could have been. I’m grieving a life I’ll never know.

On the better days, I can see that good has come from bad. Every bad experience has taught me something and I can cling onto the good. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned. I am happy. I am healthy. I am loved. I am safe. Yet I am broken. Not irreparably but fractured.  I keep my walls high around me. I don’t trust easily. My friendship is hard earned, and I value my time now.

If I could go back and not experience trauma, would I? Of course. But in life we do not move backwards. Even in those times we think we’re regressing. We do not go backwards. I move through it. I move with it. It’s part of me and my story and that’s okay. Will I ever be completely, ok? That is something I can only work towards. I do not ever want to be seen as a victim. This means that at times I can be less than self-compassionate. I move through my trauma, but I am not my trauma. While it will more than likely always be a part of me, it will not define me. I will not let it.

Comparable to grief, trauma stays with us. Like the ball in the box hitting off the pain button. Some days the ball is so big you cannot move without it hitting the pain button. I live in the hope that every day I wake up to a small ball of trauma. One I can co-exist with. If today is not that day, then that’s ok. There’s always tomorrow.

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I can feel the December chill in the air as your gentle hand, shakes me awake. It’s still dark. My whole body feels heavy as I face another day. I never quite understood until now what was meant by the term “the weight of grief”. But that’s what it is. A weight. Like a heavy cloud that floats along with me, permeating every crevice of my life and being. I’m in autopilot. Existing, more so than living right now. You hand me coffee when I get downstairs and gently lead me towards the door. We get into the car in a comfortable silence. That first sip of coffee sometimes gives me a sense that maybe today might be better. You don’t force conversation on me, allowing me to sit with my thoughts.

The sun is rising, and I feel a sense of calm descending as we near the beach. In my darkest days, this is where you brought me, and now, it has become a ritual of sorts. We park in our usual parking space, the familiarity of my surroundings like a warm security blanket. My feet sink into the soft sand as I take my first few steps onto the beach. The sound of the waves, the ebb and flow of the water, like music to my ears. This is my therapy.

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Hello all and thanks for getting this far! I’m Katie! I’m am accountant by day, a writer, a feminist, an animal lover and a complete and utter softie. I’m happiest when I’m anywhere near the sea. Having recently turned 30, I decided the time was now or never to get serious about writing. I’ve written for years, mostly just for myself but the time has finally come to share my thoughts and musings with you all.

I don’t want to just build an audience or a following. I want to build a community. (I’m cringing too you guys, but I really mean it). I really hope you’ll join me on this adventure as I wade through the unknown and release my writing out into the wild for the first time.

I’ll be writing a real mix of things, from non-fiction essay like pieces on experiences, some fictional short-stories and some opinion pieces (of which I have many!)

I’ll be sharing one piece of writing per week for all paid subscribers and one piece per month will be free of charge for everyone to read.

I would love you if you could subscribe and follow me on this exciting journey.

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