I attended my first DragonCon this summer and I am already in love with it and am already planning to return next summer. It’s so incredibly different from other pop culture conventions and is so fan and maker forward - it’s a breath of fresh air. I had a lovely realization after the panel I spoke on; I really have built a career out of what I love and that’s been my goal since I was in school. I originally wanted to write and make movies, because I thought it connected all of my favorite things; storytelling, writing, performing, costuming/fashion, music, and fan spaces. I tailored my education around this idea, made a lot of mistakes and missteps and changed the plan multiple fucking times, and somehow still ended up living a life where I get to focus on my favorite things; storytelling, writing, performing, costuming/fashion, music, and fan spaces. Let’s have a moment of commotion for the cosplays, please! I haven’t done cosplay (I’ve done A LOT of costumes/dress ups) in nearly a decade. I loved it for a long time and then for personal reasons I didn’t. It felt really fun to be back in that world and I think I’ll ease my way back into it.

Maybe it’s because I’m writing this the morning after the autumnal equinox, but things feel different today. The weather has started to cool off in LA (still not cold enough, but we should get there with a “super” El Nino in our path). The days are getting shorter. I’m at the end of my preparation for my beloved Wasteland Weekend (next week!). Change feels imminent and that feels good. I don’t know where the fuck I’m going with this… I’ve been recapping politics in my personal handwritten journal. If they are ever found or passed down to others in my family, I want them to know that joy can persist in the face of the horrors and truly the horrors are many right now. I’ve been thinking a lot about how my ancestors persisted in the face of the horrors they faced in order for me to end up here - but that’s a heavier idea for a different post. Let’s just look at some outfits?

A true smattering of “how the heel do I make jeans and a tank top not look like jeans and a tank top???”, with a dash of big shirt and tiny bottoms thrown in for good measure. Dreaming of Fall and wondering who I’ll be the next time I post one of these. See you on the other side.

I think I talked about it here before - but I had a fit of imposter syndrome earlier this year that has snowballed into something wonderful and beautiful. Back in January I was on a panel at a bookstore for fantasy writers and I had the smallest feeling like I was a fraud that didn’t belong, because I didn’t have any published works to share. That feeling really started to grate on me, because I know the fantasy genre like the back of my hand and I am a writer, so what was I doing?? I started writing and submitting short stories to anthologies and magazines, and the acceptances have been coming in! I’m actually doing it. Which means I also have people asking me what else I’m working on. And I have quite a few things that are anywhere from loose ideas to halfway finished.

Here’s a roundup of my most pressing WIPs aka the ones I’m the most fascinated by and want to spend the most time on or the ones that have looming due dates.

• ROMANTASY SHORT 1 - VAMPIRE AND WEREWOLF POST APOCALYPTIC BULLSHIT

  • This one is for submission to an upcoming Romantasy short story collection. It has to be about forbidden love and I have a deep love for Vampire/Werewolf love stories (I blame constant watching of the Underworld series with Kate Beckinsale during my teen years). I want to do something “different” with it, so I’m setting it in a dystopian near future. I don’t know what else I’m doing with it, but I’ll figure that out before the due date.

• ROMANTASY SHORT 2 - EARL THE MECHANIC

  • This started as a joke in one of my group chats after I sent them a ridiculous, but favorite, TikTok video. The submission for this short story collection just says the story has to contain fire. A magical mechanic is going to help our FMC fix her car, so she can find love. Just trust me on this one.

• KELLENDRIA

  • This title is a place holder - it’s the name of the land the novel is set in, but it’s also Kelly Rowland’s full first name, so I think it HAS to be a placeholder and I HAVE to CTRL+F it later. This is my FANTASY NOVEL - a multi-generational story about trauma and how much I feel I’ve lost in the last ten years as an American. Lighthearted stuff, right?

• HORROR NOVEL

  • I’ve written about this one here. It’s based on one of my favorite weird Reddit threads and also my teenage years and also the power of female friendship.

• POR SIEMPRE

  • This is a zombie novel in the vein of MANEATER. Honestly, I’ve got some shit that even years of therapy haven’t allowed me to entirely let go, so I write about them. This started as a screenplay project during my Master’s Degree program. I’ve since taken a BIG step back from writing for TV and film, but I haven’t stopped loving this idea and I think it can really live as a novel or a novella. I also just really like writing about my abusers perishing in horrific ways.

• WARPED TOUR HISTORICAL ROMANCE

  • This is one of the most ridiculous ideas I’ve ever had and a gigantic undertaking and there are times when I wonder if I’ll ever actually finish this. I’m adapting one of my favorite classic romance novels, ala Clueless is actually Emma, but instead of being set at Beverly Hills High, it’s going to be set during the early 2000’s when the Vans Warped Tour was in its prime.

I’m glad to have my inspiration back and to have a best friend who is also a writer and invites me to panel with them and sends me different submissions and wants to talk about writing and encourages me to update my Substack and all of those wonderful things. I’m also glad that you’re here and reading this.

Summer is my least favorite season. Summer is a hallway in between my birthday and Halloween. Drinking outdoors with friends, San Diego Comic Con, lazy afternoons outside, and weekend getaways are the art on the walls of this never-ending walk towards the -BER months and my favorite time of year. Summer is hot and humid and frustrating. I do not like summer. I also think it’s the hardest season to try and dress for.

This summer has been kind to me in some big ways; San Diego Comic Con was one of my best yet - I DM’d my first live game at a convention and participated on Michael Davis’s The Black Panel. I went to Solvang for the first time to celebrate one of my best friends’ upcoming nuptials. I’ve enjoyed more than my fair share of ice cream at Disneyland. I’ve taken my lunch to my favorite park for the change of scenery and the cool breeze that comes off of the ocean. I’ve done my best.

I also have Summer SAD. Yes - there is a Summer version of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Too much sun and heat make me depressed AF. I’m giving myself things to look forward to - my first DragonCon is right around the corner, and my beloved Wasteland Weekend will be here before I know it. There are just a few days until Pumpkin Spice Lattes are readily available, Disneyland has already put out it’s Halloween decor - my time is nigh!

It’s not just summer that has me down - I’m still working through the things I can’t publicly name. It’s weighing on me heavily. It’s exhausting to build a bridge between two lives while the old one collapses under my feet. At least I look good while I’m doing it?

I feel like these posts are like recipes - gotta give you my whole life story before I tell you how to make an Apple Brown Betty. Whatever, here are the outfits. And if you subscribe for the writing and not the ‘fits - I’ll do another update soon about my WIPS.

- My sweet midwestern co-worker looked at me and said, “That skirt really shows off what the Lord gave you…respectfully”. It’s a chiffon mermaid skirt with a whimsi-goth patchwork print from Hot Topic and it pairs perfectly with a black crop or a tee or whatever.

-I got this dress at the Universal Unleashed experienced in Las Vegas. The Universal Monsters are one of my special interests, especially Frankenstein and his Bride. This longline cardigan has stripes AND checker print. I was wearing it the day I found out my boss thinks that patterns are visually assaulting.

-I repeated this outfit on July 4th. I think true vintage or vintage inspired tees and tanks with Americana prints are absolutely hysterical and wear them often, because on me - a queer black femme - they are always ironic.

-This denim jumpsuit is one that I have trouble styling, but it’s perfect for a last minute “idk what to wear and I want to be comfortable” day.

-Mom jeans. Black twist front crop top. Leopard print kimono. Idk how else to describe it, but this is a very “me” outfit.

-This cropped yellow tee says “Danny DeVito” in red embroidery. It’s one of my favorite shirts, because it’s so ridiculous. Black maxi skirt. Leopard print headwrap.

-I have a handful of friends who like to tease me and say I look like Debbie Thornberry. They are not wrong. I threw this outfit on without thinking about it and then had to eat the comparison.

-This is an outfit that didn’t land for me, but I left it on anyway. Wide-leg black jeans, The Smiths cropped tee, and grey oversized beanie. I was comfortable, at least.

-An oversized tee and biker shorts always works on a hot day. This Twilight shirt was a gift from my old team at Hot Topic and is a great conversation starter.

-This outfit was a “my mom circa 1994” special. Black bodysuit and open oversized button down.

-Athletic dresses have become a Disneyland staple and I see why. They’re so easy to wear.

-I love overalls, especially on days when I’m tired.

-This outfit is a repeat from San Diego Comic Con. I have complicated feelings about Tim Burton, but no one can ever say anything bad about my queen, Michelle Pfeifer.

-This DND tank top was a t-shirt for YEARS, and then I decided I needed to cut the sleeves off and make it a tank this summer. No regrets.

-This red sunflower print skirt is actually a dress!! I threw my bootleg Kate Bush tank over it to dress it down a little.

-I’ve worn this dress before and shown off how I style it on a colder day. On a hot day? You can’t go wrong with cowboy boots.

-This floral skirt is slightly out of my comfort zone, but I think pairing it with a dark top brings it back around for me.

-All I can think about when I see this denim skirt is that week and a half on Threads where everyone was trying to convince that girl that denim skirts are cute. I went full y’allternative and have no shame about it.

-The first two outfits are a 2 for 1. What I intended to wear - and what I ended up wearing because the AC was BLASTING at work.

-I’m trying so hard to not just throw on a tank top and leggings every day. This is one of my more inspired looks, in my opinion. I love this chiffon leopard skirt and a graphic tank brings it back to earth.

-This yellow crops says “Listen to more Kurt Cobain”. Black flares, black high heeled clogs, black and gold headscarf.

-Another Americana tank and a plaid maxi skirt with a lace overlay. I like how the brown in the graphic matches the brown in the plaid.

-Okay, the next two outfits are just jeans and tank tops. Kill me. It’s hot and I’m so depressed I put in real effort to not cry in my car every morning.

-Another graphic tank and a maxi skirt.

I, at least, have the synopsis. “Evan Leandra Washington loves INDARKNESS INLIGHT - an early 2000s emo band. She met her best friend, Brenna in a live journal slashfic community dedicated to their singer and lead guitarist. She knows everything about them and is devoted to their music and their fandom. She’s also a “true crime” fanatic, because her older sister, Lita was. So, of course, Evan is the only fan of INDARKNESS INLIGHT to realize that girl’s matching Brenna’s profile have started going missing during their latest tour. Can she save Brenna before it’s too late??”

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I’ve been so preoccupied with what’s going on in my brain, and how I’m feeling, and just trying to show up in life, that I haven’t felt particularly inspired. I haven’t been working on either of the novels (the fantasy and the horror), and my new actual play had to halt production. I’ve been doing a lot of listening to music and reading and watching comfort shows and trying to go to bed early, so I can “sleep it off”. Part of me says this is not how an adult and professional artist behaves and the rest of me says, “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”. The work will always get done. I want to say that my lack of inspiration has been showing up in what I’ve been wearing, because it HAS felt harder to pull outfits, but honestly - looking at the grid below - I’ve had that shit on. So, let’s talk about it.

OUTFIT 1 - I went to see Florence and the Machine that night. I wanted something that felt perfectly “witchy” and worthy of my elventeenth time seeing one of my favorite artists. I have loved Florence and the Machine since the very first note of the first song that I heard. In the 16 years she’s been performing state side, I’ve only missed her in LA one time. One of my best friends and her wife treated me to a ticket to this show and it was EVERYTHING I wanted and needed it to be. I bought this satin slip dress online a few years ago and it’s become a wardrobe staple for me, because it can be dressed up or down really easy and is comfortable. I paired it with my vintage high Docs, and a green lace kimono (not pictured) for the concert.

OUTFIT 2 - The day after Florence. I have a thing for bootleg concert merchandise - I am OBSESSED with it and will always choose to “stimulate my local economy”, if possible after a show - even if I’ve purchased official merch. This tour tee was only $10! (We’re so in a recession). I love pairing a tee with a fun skirt - it’s always comfortable, but looks like you tried harder than if you throw on leggings. This black lace tiered maxi is Hot Topic from a few years ago.

OUTFIT 3 - These pants aren’t quite gauchos, but they aren’t regular wide leg jeans either…they’re H&M circa 2019 and I love them. This twist front crop is Fashion Nova from the same year. And then my denim bolero, because it is ALWAYS freezing cold to me in my office.

OUTFIT 4 - So, if you’re not from California, you might not know about these things called May Gray and June Gloom - basically, during May and June it’s absolutely overcast and cold in the morning, before (if) it burns off and the sun comes out and it gets nice and warm. That phenomenon, along with a cold office, means I just want to be cozy a lot. Also, the sads. So, my favorite black flared jeans, my checkered Vans, and my Janet Jackson crewneck. Checkered Vans are a closet staple for me. They’re never not on trend. Also - every Black alt femme owes A LOT to Janet Jackson, specifically during The Velvet Rope era.

OUTFIT 5 - This duster cardigan is ridiculous and one of my favorite pieces. It reminds me of the blanket that all of our mom’s and grandma’s had on the backs of their couches in the 90s. I wore the same jeans as the day before (for shame!) and a body suit to round out the ‘fit - I’m pretty sure I had plans that night and swapped the cardigan for a leather jacket - and that’s why I wore cowboy boots that day.

OUTFIT 6 - Another cozy fit. I’ve talked about these jeans before, and I’ve owned them for a few years, but I’m kind of obsessed with them right now. This sweater is really lightweight, and also an old Hot Topic find.

OUTFIT 7 - Spice Girls and leopard print just go together.

OUTFIT 8 - The whole text on this shirt says “Sorry, I can’t talk. I’m thinking about the 1997 performance of Silver Springs where Stevie Nicks stares a hole through Lindsay Buckingham. It is, in my opinion, the best performance of a song ever”.

OUTFIT 9 - God, I was exhausted and fed up this day. I went to bed crying the night before and woke up crying that morning, so I literally just threw on a clean pair of jeans and the first tank top my hand landed on, which happened to be a vintage Bauhaus tank. Probably the least goth way to style this, but whatever.

OUTFIT 10 - My birthday! I had been saving this skirt for a very specific special occasion that hasn’t materialized and I decided that my birthday was as special a day as any and I deserved to look cute and feel good. And I’m glad I did it. Dressedinlala is one of my FAVORITE brands right now.

OUTFIT 11 - I got into an argument with someone while wearing this outfit and all I have to say for myself is; why would you start with a Gemini, during Gemini season, while they’re wearing a shirt with Tupac’s face on it??? I also recently found out that both Prince and Nicole Kidman are also Gemini Sun/Scorpio rising like me, which I feel, explains A LOT.

OUTFIT 12 - This outfit is a re-do of one I wore in Las Vegas on vacation the week before. Yes, I do outfit repeat!! I know some people think I don’t, but I ABSOLUTELY do. This leopard bustier was a gift from a dear friend who often brings me things they found at the thrift or deep in the recesses of their closet that they think I will like/fit.

OUTFIT 13 - I honestly don’t really like how this outfit turned out - I love this gray washed denim bustier AND these gray wide leg jeans, but together they grays are too different and it doesn’t feel intentional. But, I couldn’t figure out something else to wear and I wasn’t going to be late to work, so I left it on anyway.

OUTFIT 14 - Another June Gloom cozy fit. Universal Classic Monster movies are my favorite thing and I LOVE this sweatshirt by Micheline Pitt. I put on a statement necklace to make it look more elevated and not like I just tossed on a sweatshirt and jeans - especially since I needed to wash my hair and concealed that with a bandana and braids.

OUTFIT 15 - Tired/June Gloom again. Like I said, I love a good bootleg. This Spider-Man tank came from a website that I thought might be scam. Paired with leggings, my high Docs, and a corduroy shacket, it became an intentional outfit.

OUTFIT 16 - My new favorite jeans and a super cropped tea is an easy wear, but looks like I tried.

OUTFIT 17 - I’m so nostalgic for Barbie summer, I busted out my Barbenheimer tee. Remember the leopard print midi skirt memes? I haven’t gotten rid of mine. In fact, I have it in multiple colors.

OUTFIT 18 - Casual Thursday, baby! A nice cardigan and a hat makes it seem like I’m not wearing yoga pants and a tank top - but I’m totally wearing yoga pants and a crop top.

Between the overload of “news”, and personal changes, I feel like my head has been underwater for days. I’m still settling in at the new job and navigating new processes, people, and schedules. I’m rebuilding my life after a period of unemployment and finding my freedom and my joy again. It’s a lot to create space for. I’m both happy and worn out.

A few months ago, I did a panel at a bookstore for fantasy writers and I kinda felt like a fraud, because I didn’t have any published works to share. I got a hair up my ass about it and started writing and submitting some short stories to some different zines and anthologies, including an upcoming all black fantasy anthology. I got my acceptance in my inbox a few weeks ago, “Your unique voice and storytelling have captivated us (and made some of us shed some tears), and we are excited to have you as part of this literary journey.” I submitted another story to a zine last week.

I also started a new TTRPG actual play last month as the producer/storyteller. It’s a fun one. I’m making it happen. My therapist reminded me, during our last session, that I never have to find a seat at the table, because I build the tables. I make things happen in my life.

And sometimes I look cute while I’m going that - onto the outfits!

OUTFIT 1 -
Thursday’s are my last day in office each week - so I treat them even more casual than usual. This week was yoga pants and a faux-denim Stranger Things hoodie. I love licensed product and this hoodie reminds me of something I would have done in igh school - drawn on a denim jacket with marker and covered it with patches and pissed my mom all the way off. I think there’s nothing more classic than blue denim, and it shows up A LOT in my wardrobe, even with me being goth.

OUTFIT 2 - This jacket! My mom had the exact same jacket when I was kid and would NEVER let me wear it. She won’t give it to me now, so I thrifted the exact same jacket a few years ago and it’s one of my most prized items. I think if you’re doing a large silhouette on part of your body, you’ve got to play with shape in other ways to keep your body from getting lost or looking like you’re hiding. This jacket is a larger 90s bomber, and these pants are a wide harem, so I paired them with a cropped corset inspired tank, to give my waist the credit it deserves. I also really love this yellow hat and it matches back to the gold in the design on my jacket.

OUTFIT 3 - This one is an ode to early 2000’s me. I was the queen of the stripe. I still love a good stripe now. Grey wide legged jeans, grey hat. It’s a modern version of the me from way back when.

OUTFIT 4 - I noticed these oxblood flares were the same color as my clogs and nothing else mattered to me. I love a crop top, and this wide black long sleeve is no acception. Again, playing with shapes so my actual body doesn’t get lost.

OUTFIT 5 - There’s something about this outfit to me that feels like it encapsulates my personality, even though it was mostly a pursuit of coziness for me, because it was supposed to rain that day. My beloved, oversized, off the shoulder black sweater, leggings, high socks, and my high Doc Martens. Fun fact about these Docs - I’ve owned them for nearly 20 years.

OUTFIT 6 - This outfit was the day I returned to work after a week in the desert at Neotropolis. Comfort was key - I hadn’t even begun to decompress from the LARP/Festival. I bought these jeans on a lark when wider legs started to trend again, and they were super cheap, but fit me like a dream. This longline leopard cardi was a clearance find. The black corset tank makes a return. Lastly, I LOVE Steve Madden - especially his sneakers that look *kinda* like Nikes. A friend thrifted these and didn’t want them, so I took them off of their hands.

OUTFIT 7 - This black long sleeve babydoll dress was a Target find pre-pandemic. It’s a heavier weight fabric that is perfect for a chilly day. We already know how I feel about tights and Docs. My socks unintentionally matched my freshly dyed pink ends.

OUTFIT 8 - Casual Thursday. Yoga pants, tank, denim shrug.

OUTFIT 9 - Another babydoll! Love the plaid on this one, it reminds me of a 90s grunge. BTW - I don’t want to hear another single word about Olivia Rodrigo and her styling. She’s doing GREAT.

OUTFIT 10 - It was another colder day. I effing love overalls. I feel like leopard overalls were everywhere last summer, and I was definitely part of the problem.

OUTFIT 11 - If you don’t know - I am a Disney adult. Part of my obsession is thrifting vintage (mostly 90s) Disney jackets, so I can wear them to the parks. This bomber is my FAVORITE. I also riffed off of OUTFIT 2 to craft this look, since it worked so well before. It worked here to!! When you find something that works, keep doing it!

I’m still working on the novel and some updates for paid subscribers. Let’s all try to keep our heads above water.

Friends have been after me for years to start a fashion blog and I never did for two reasons - I was concerned about being overwhelmed with “tasks”, and I didn’t know what my “hook” was going to be - I didn’t want to sell people things. I still don’t. And I’m not going to. I’m going to talk about what I’m wearing and how I build an outfit, and what’s interesting to me. I believe fashion is art, I believe it tells a story, and I think it can be pivotal in one’s personal story. Well, style can, anyway. This is not a fashion blog. This is a style blog.

These posts are going to be less about “fashion”, and moreso about my personal “style”. Styling a piece is more important than how much it costs, or where it came from, or who deemed it cool. Because fashion trends come and go, but your personal style is always a thing you have. I always look at trends through the lens of my own style when adapting them - just because something is trendy doesn’t make it cute to me or make me want to wear it. I generally only gravitate towards trends that I can see fitting into my own style.

I’m trying to figure out who to define my style for those that are new here...and I’m having a real hard time. It’s like if Stevie Nicks and Rochelle from
The Craft had a baby. Or if The Olsen Twins were both one person and their mom was Black. If Prince was an early 2000’s mall goth. If Cree Summer were back in her early twenties and playing an emo kid on a CW show. If Clawdeen from Monster High was a real person. If Cher and Dionne from Clueless were in a band. I draw a lot of inspiration from my mom’s closet. Idk, man... I’ve been at this so long, I just...kind of know now. I still struggle a lot and put things together that work in my head and not in real life, but I just...buy pieces that I think really fit the vibe I want to express and then mix and match them together.

I started a new job at the end of last month (I’ll make a post about that here, eventually), and here’s what I’ve been wearing. This office is pretty small and rather casual, so I’m trying to stay true to my own vibe, without displaying a complete lack of awareness.

OUTFIT 1 - My former SVP Robin wore these jeans one day and I immediately asked her where they were from (American Eagle). The top is just a black bodysuit tank. It’s pretty cold in my office, so I pulled this long plaid shacket, because it’s warm. White docs to pull it all together and give it a little “pop”.

OUTFIT 2 - I was already tired by my third day on the job, because I wasn’t used to waking up in the morning and hitting a commute. Dresses are my secret for lazy days. I call this cardigan my Disney Channel Original Movie cardigan, because this is absolutely something the quirky best friend would be in. These clogs are wild (Azalea Wang) and are comfortable, but make it seem like I tried.

OUTFIT 3 - I was definitely feeling the lazy vibes after a long weekend. These trousers are SUPER oversized and long enough that they hid my crocs ;). I’m a huge fan of a graphic tee - you can’t go wrong with Sailor Moon. The denim shrug makes it seem like I tried, when really I was exhausted and didn’t want to be cold in my office. I was still cold.

OUTFIT 4 - Remembering how cold I had been the day before, I grabbed a knitted shrug on this day. This black little cropped cardi is one of my favorite pieces. It works with a lot of different things. Like this SICK Lord of the Rings tee I got at WonderCon, these button fly black flares, and my favorite platform Marc Jacobs sneakers. Oh, I found this hat in the Lost and Found at my first job and washed it in the world’s hottest water eleventeen times, and now it’s mine.

OUTFIT 5 - Another dress to hide how lazy I actually am. Dresses/skirts with tights and Doc Martens are one of my favorite looks. Oversized denim trucker jacket for warmth and to drive home the grunge vibes.

OUTFIT 6 - Here comes that cropped cardi again. I own this black square neck tank in several colors, because it’s a great layering piece and really comfortable. These plaid pants had been in my closet for YEARS, before I started wearing them. They were a great piece that I couldn’t quite figure out and I was slightly ahead on the wider leg pants trend. Lastly, as a goth, I love a good pair of creepers more than anything. These have a ridiculous platform, which is perfect for me, because I’m only 5’3” and my pants are always too long.

OUTFIT 7 - It rained the day before I wore this and I was concerned about more rain - knew it would be colder and I’d want to be cozy. This oversized sweater falls off one of my shoulders and has a fun bottom hem. I can do a pair of wide leg jeans - they make me feel like I’m back in high school. Camo is another trend moment that I’ve figure out how to make work for me. And Chuck Taylors are classic staple shoe.

OUTFIT 8 - What did I say about skirts, tights, and docs? I like the monochromatic situation I thought up with the grey graphic tee, the cardigan, and the hat. It takes the outfit from something really simple into more a colorblocked and put together zone.

That’s been the last few weeks. I’ll do another OOTD round up in a few weeks. Try to keep your head on and find your glimmers. <3

I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, and that generally means I’ve had time to THINK. A lot of these thoughts have revolved around myself and how I show up in the world - and the unhinged ways people respond to that. I’ve been replaying conversations and scenarios over and over again in my head; wondering what I could have said or done differently, analyzing what signs I missed, giving myself grace for not realizing that certain people didn’t have my best interests in mind, but also wondering what I ever did to deserve such ire. And the answer is - I didn’t.

The intersection of my personal life and pop culture is one of my favorite things and you’re just going to have to take this ride with me. There’s been a lot of talk about Janine from Abbott Elementary recently. Abbott Elementary is one of my favorite shows, it’s only second to my other favorite workplace mockumentary Parks and Recreation. On one of our several, several, re-watches my mom and I were doing the “which character are you” game and my mom leveled her gaze at me and said, “ You want the world to think you’re April Ludgate, but you’re really Leslie Knope”. And she wasn’t wrong. My crazy hair and tattoos and heavy eyeliner are just armor to hide the ADHD, led by kindness, lover of the world, and ridiculous optimist inside me. Which means I also fucking love Janine Teagues. In fact - I once knew a friendship was not what I wanted it to be because said friend called me an Ava Coleman. I’m dramatic, but I’m not Ava. Janine has been slandered online for being aloof or goofy or annoying. Janine is none of those things. She’s just not the stereotype that makes people comfortable. Tillery, on IG, did a much better write up than I’m going to do and I don’t want to steal her work, so take a second, look at her slides, and come back.

I had never heard the term Spirit Murdering before, and now indebted to Tillery to introducing me to a concept that has happened to me over and over and over again. And it goes right along with a concept I talked about in my last post - Pet to Threat. See, there are a handful of stereotypes the world is comfortable to see black women inhabit. The Mammy (a sexless and obedient caregiver), The Jezebel (the hyper sexualized woman), The Angry Black Woman (aggressive, argumentative, and esmaculating), The Strong Black Woman (the superhuman labor machine who never needs any sort of support), and the Welfare Queen (the lazy, dishonest, dependent). And Black Women are allowed to float between these stereotypes, depending on the needs of the person they’re talking to, but we are not allowed to step out of these boxes. It makes people uncomfortable - but not at first. At first, you’re a novelty when you’re a Bubbly Black Girl. It’s cute that you march to the beat of your own drum. It’s precious and noble that you stand up for others. Your joy lights up the room. Your expressionism is delightful. Until the second it doesn’t. The shift starts slowly. You’re too much. You can’t just let things be. Why don’t you bring it down some? You’re so arrogant. Why don’t you act Black??

I have always idolized the Bubbly Black Girls. Tillery’s post even included a handful of my favorites - Freddie from A Different World, Sinclaire for Living Single, Denise Huxtable from The Cosby Show, Ms. Grotke from Recess, Joan from Girlfriends (even if I’ve always felt like a Lynn on the outside). I have spent years nurturing myself and allowing myself to be the Bubbly Black girl of my dreams, and I’ve been punished for it time and time again. Personal relationships, in school, at work. People have routinely tried to destroy my dignity and my joy and bring ME back down to a place that makes THEM feel comfortable.

I keep coming back to Olivia Rodrigo’s song, Lacy. Stay with me - dangling threads, remember? Lacy is a song about a girl that Olivia Rodrigo is obsessed with - Olivia admires her beauty to the point of envy and self-loathing. A lot of people latched onto a perceived queer theme in the song, and, in my opinion missed the point of the song completely. Rodrigo herself has distanced herself from this interpretation. See, this interpretation misses a key element - Lacy is described in the song as being white and Olivia Rodrigo is a woman of color. Go back to Driver’s License and the line about the blonde girl. Yes, the lyric was changed, no it’s not about Sabrina Carpenter, but it’s an important parallel when viewed as a line written by a woman of color. How many BIPOC women are brutalized by European beauty standards and comparisons to white women? How many BIPOC have poured themselves into relationships, only to maligned, and then left for a non-BIPOC woman? We’re damned if we and damned if we don’t - BIPOC women, and Black women ESPECIALLY, have to remain in the boxes that make other people comfortable, and we have to perform our stereotypes, and we’re still always going to be second to non-BIPOC women. And this spirit murdering so often leads to envy, self-hatred, and personal destruction.

I am working against this. Actively working against it. I never deserved to have my spirit wounded to make other people feel better. I don’t have to fit into a little box or check my personality traits off of a list that are desirable to others. I’m not a commodity. I’m a fucking person and I’m allowed to show in the world the way that I want to, as long as that does not harm anyone else.

In this time that I’ve been blessed with recently, I’ve really leaned into doing burlesque and growing myself as a performer. I’ve always been at home on the stage. - I did theater and dance my entire childhood and majored in Directing theater. Burlesque is a reclamation for most of us performers. Of our bodies, our sexuality, our politics, and how we show up in the world. Burlesque allows me to be my fully embodied self - it’s not always sexy even if it nude; it’s funny and honest and political and expressive. Building an act from the ground up to tell a story using myself as the tool is giving me back power that I haven’t been able to wield. The burlesque community isn’t perfect and also has a long way to go in how it treats black women, but for now my performing isn’t for the community, it’s for me.

I can’t control the way other people show in the world. I can’t control the way they show up in my life. I can’t control their reactions. The only thing I can control is myself. And I choose to continue to be my bubbly black girl’s girl.

Last summer was one for the record books. I called it my summer of side quests. I traveled, I shopped, I read, I spent time with friends and family. I got my groove back. I, ignorantly, assumed that I’d have another job in a snap. After all, I’ve got two degrees, and a proven track record of success. I wasn’t thinking about the economy, the politics, or the fact that I’m a black woman. I still haven’t found a job that meets my needs yet. Literally hundreds of applications, dozens of interviews, callbacks, second rounds, but it just hasn’t worked out yet. I can scream about the evils of capitalism all day, but the fact remains, that living under it, I need a job. Frankly, I was spoiled by my last job. I loved it. I believed in it. It made me feel things. The idea of being a cog in a wheel just…doesn’t suit me. I need to be passionate and interested and care and feel proud of what I’m doing…and support my lifestyle and my habits. Finding something that checks all of those little boxes and that also wants me as an employee is a tall order that I just haven’t been able to fulfill yet.

I’m stuck in the liminal space. Liminal spaces are “thresholds”, in-between states, places of transition. They’re usually represented by empty abandoned spaces that have taken on a surreal quality in their emptiness. Photos of empty hallways, airports, hotels, and malls that make us feel nostalgic and creeped out are usually what we think of the liminal space. I’m in the emotional liminal space. The metaphorical liminal space.

My old life is dead, but my new life hasn’t been born yet. I’m trying to hold my head up high as I act as my own doula, but it’s not always easy. The doubts creep in… maybe I’m just not good enough. The shame… I’m increasingly glad I skipped a party and didn’t run into some old frenemies just to become the topic of their drive home and group chat. The rage… I should not have been backed into the corner that became my exit from my old company. The pride… admitting I’m struggling feels like letting the haters know they’ve won. The sadness… I don’t like feeling stuck. I’ve got a Gemini stellium. I was born eight weeks premature; my mom likes to joke that I’ve always been in a hurry. I’m a mover, a shaker, a hustler. There’s only so much sitting at home, drinking tea, filling out job applications, and reading books I can do before I’m ready to crawl the walls. There are moves I want to make that I just can’t until this job thing is sorted out - literally moving houses, trips I want to take, creative goals I want to fulfill - all things that require capital. I’m afraid it’s even affecting my relationships; turning down invitations, being unable to see some long distance friends, cancelling plans.

I did everything right. Everything. Two degrees. Impressive work history with prestige companies. Showing up early, leaving late, doing the extra tasks. Just to end up in this empty hallway. And still, if I have any regrets, it’s not leaving sooner. Ha!

Even with all of the incredible discomfort and upset and stress that have been part of my life since fall, this has still been leaps and bounds better than my last stint of unemployment in 2015/2016. That liminal space was a liminal space of identity. I couldn’t figure out who I was or wanted to be, my friend group was fluid and inconsistent, I just… was not as sure as I wanted to be or projected. I was also in the infancy of healing from two different abusive relationships. A decade later, and while I’m certain I will continue to grow and change, at least I know who the fuck I am and what the fuck I want out of life this time. I solidified my circle and am supported in endless and wild ways by those who love me. I’ve done so much work in therapy. I’ve cut people off and out of my life. This period is a just liminal space of circumstances.

My therapist from 2015 said something to me that has stuck with me. I know she didn’t come up with it, but the first time I heard it was when she said it and I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently, “When one door closes, another one opens…but it sure is hell in the hallway”.

I go back and forth with my relationship with the internet and how I want to show up on it. A lot of this frustration is because the internet has just become completely unusable and is completely rigged against the people now. Have you tried to Google anything lately? It’s absolutely awful. Facebook and Instagram? Useless. One of my exes reported my accounts and everything I post is wildly suppressed. TikTok? Broken. Twitter? Not even going there.

I just want to be able to talk about fashion and music and TTRPGs and other weird things in a completely unhinged fashion for my friends and anyone else who’s interested. So, I re-did the layout of my blog and I started a substack. I’m not sure exactly how I want this to work or what it’s going to end up as - but, the plan is to update this semi-regularly about … well, whatever I want to talk about. For paid users - I’ll probably give you some hidden updates about the book I’m writing, or TTRPG campaigns I’m working on, or other special updates. I’ll figure it out.

I hope you choose to hang out.

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