I spent 5 weeks walking across northern Spain on the Frances route of the Camino de Santiago. Throughout the country, I noticed a pattern with restaurant wait staff. If you left even a small amount of food on your plate, they would ask, “You didn’t like it?” This could be after you’ve absolutely stuffed yourself with 2 to 3 previous courses, and it’s only a bite or two of dessert that you couldn’t eat without making yourself sick. “You don’t want to finish?” I was disappointing them with my waste. My lack of plate cleaning was an insult.

This felt a bit like a metaphor for how we, as humans, determine success, worth, or value. Winning and losing. Perseverance and quitting. Rule following or cheating. We do this in work and school and religion and sports, and it bleeds into relationships and parenting and everyday choices.

Along the camino, some people insist you’re not really doing it the pilgrim way if you do it in stages or don’t do the “whole thing” (there are something like 50+ different routes). Or you don’t carry your pack with everything you need and stay in the albergues (Spanish old-school pilgrim hostels) with 50 other people on the Way, all farting and snoring in the same room. The others I met who were doing it a slightly more comfortable way (having our bags transported from hotel to hotel with our own rooms and bathrooms), and I relished the fine life. Of course we were still walking12-15 miles a day! Walk your camino your way.

When I was 22, my first job out of college was to return to the rural Virginia all-girls boarding school I’d attended in high school to be a dorm parent and first-year French teacher. Almost everything about it was awful. I basically had to live with most of the restrictions that the students did. I had very few peers. Most of the teachers who had been there to teach me were still there from when I’d been a student just 4 years before, and they wanted me to call them by their first names (NO!), but also treated me like I was still 17; only this time, instead of the stellar, star leader and student, I was disappointing everyone. Looking back, I see how immature and ill-prepared I was for the job. I was lonely, homesick, and stir-crazy, and I didn’t know how to teach French! I had committed to teach for two years, but at the end of the first, which I completed by gritting my proverbial emotional and mental teeth through the last months, I packed up a U-Haul by myself and drove out of there on the earliest date I could. I will never forget Constance Gibson, the dryly and caustically funny dean of students, standing on the loading dock smoking, watching me wrestle a full-sized mattress into the U-Haul. She said, “You're a determined young lady, aren’t you?” Why yes, I am, Ms. Gibson!

All this is to say that I ended my planned 9-month adventure around the world after a measly 7. Completing the Camino felt like a fitting accomplishment to “end” on, and pushing through the rest of my travels when I was really tired of being on the road felt frankly indulgent. I spent a few more weeks driving down through Portugal and southern Spain, then a week on the coast of southwest France to download, decompress, and put a cherry on top of an epic adventure, and then flew back to the States on July 19th. Yes, that was almost 5 months ago. Fall in New Mexico is settling in, and so am I. New adventures abound. Life is percolating. I’m determined. I’m jumping back on the writing train. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. It’s my Camino. It’s my life. Doing it my way. Lots more stories to tell. Stay Tuned…

Did somebody say walking the Camino de Santiago was easy? Surely not. But it’s definitely something, and mostly wonderful so far. I’m in it for the challenge and experience, and the 40-day aspect lends itself to some spiritual digging and some kind of formation. We will see! But for today, I’m just proud of myself for not beating myself up or throwing a little private pity party/hissy fit for getting blisters and having to take a day off after the first 3 days and 38 miles. This shit ain’t just a walk in the park (did you catch the part about walking 38 miles in 3 days??) But, I took a proverbial beat, slowed down, did some thinking and planning, and humbled myself before a very grumpy but knowledgeable hiking outfitter in the city of Pamplona who suggested, of all things, that I switch from my North Face hiking shoes to Teva sandals with socks. My feet were so happy as soon as I put them on. They could breathe! The unexpected heat is apparently making my feet swell and sweat more than usual, and my normal methods of trekking long distances, usually in chilly, wet weather, are just not gonna cut it. Sometimes you need to pivot and be okay with it! Feeling very refreshed after catching up on sleep, laundry, and even getting my nails done. It’s my camino!

Now, as to where the eff have you been the last few months and what about your plans to write a regular travel ‘blog”, Lloyd? Well, sometimes life apparently just has to be life and you have to give yourself permission to be okay with it. Repeat after me, “your failure to continue to write a travel newsletter to let your friends and family follow along on yoru adventures is not really a failure. Again, you are not a failure!” Ugh, I think I know that, and then I get it in my head again and beat myself up. But, not enough to ruin all the adventures and travel and people I’ve met over the last 2 months, or enough to stay up late stressing about getting something down on the page, and definitely not enough to try to write in the group van while it’s moving me across countless miles of Hungarian, Romanian, Bulgarian, Turkish, or Moroccan countryside! No thank you for the potential accompanying car sickness!

I thought about going back and writing about Japan, my 20-day Eastern Europe and Turkey small-group tour, my week in Paris, and my 2-week tour around Morocco, but I think it’s just too much. I might include them in future posts, but for now, I just need to keep going with a few pics from the past weeks to tide you over. Five days ago, I flew from Marrakech to San Sebastián, Spain, took a taxi to Biarritz, France, where I stayed for the night, and then a train to Saint Jean Pied de Port, the outpost for the 755 km Frances route of the Camino de Santiago Pilgrimage. After a day to rest and get organized, I started the first and hardest leg straight up and over the Pyrenees, crossing back into Spain halfway to the small village of Roncevalles. The amazing views and breezes were worth the record-breaking (for me) 15 miles and 5000 feet of elevation gain! So here I am in my lovely little bedsit hotel room in a teeny village in Spain, about to start day 5 tomorrow morning, walking another 13.5 miles.

Here are some pics from the last 2 months’ adventures:

I’ve been moving around so much and so fast, and then I got sick and had to hole up in bed for three days to recover. So much good stuff to report, though, in my last 3 weeks in Australia, regardless and in spite of illness and flies.

My first revelation has a lot to do with things I’ve previously written about concerning my temperament and, as my favorite 7th-grade teacher, Mr. Booker, recently called it, my operating system, slightly out of sync with “normal,” as it seems to be. I have absolutely loved traveling on the two small-group hiking tours I’ve been on in the last few weeks. They’ve been a nice respite from my solitary travel, with one mark against them for the health of my nervous system. In order to drive the distances, hike the heights and breadths, and see the beautiful sights, it is necessary to start the day QUITE early. Not just starting early, but being up and packed with luggage, on the bus, dressed for hiking, and having eaten your breakfast and had all the coffee necessary to do all of the aforementioned things. As a person with ADHD who has probably used coffee to self-medicate and function at all in the world, being able to do absolutely anything before the caffeine hits the synapses is asking a lot. It was a logistics puzzle that I was better at managing on some days than on others. I was NOT going to be last on the bus, though, and hold everyone else up, so I white-knuckled my brain and body into submission. Doing this for multiple days contributed to a complete system collapse and a head and chest cold that’s still lingering. I have known that about myself, but it was interesting to have it confirmed again in my mid 50s. Regardless, it was totally worth it for the beautiful scenery and fun experiences, and my recovery was in a comfy, modern hotel in Melbourne with room service, attached to one of the coolest, space-age-feeling luxury shopping and entertainment complexes I’ve ever seen!

Next, it is really too bad, but the fly situation in “The Rock”, as local outback Aussies call it, is just miserable. They sell you “fly nets” to wear over your face, which helps, but it’s still pretty yuck. There are millions of them, and they’re little bitty, and they love naked skin and any and all orifices. I tried to be a big girl about it, but man, I’m gonna really struggle to think about my time in the seriously majestic “red centre” of Australia without gagging at the four little critters I inadvertently inhaled into my unsuspecting lungs while hiking those beautiful red rocks. I was worried about the heat, but really, by mid-March, that’s not as much of a problem. In fact, it gets pretty cold at night, but apparently the flies are always a problem if it’s 16 degrees Celsius or warmer. I’d really love to go back someday in one of the cold weather months to see the beauty and magic again, but without the constant unpleasant tickling and buzzing.

Finally, I’ve always known this, and it probably doesn’t need to be repeated to my audience, but women are just really awesome, and that was on display as such a potent reminder in my last 3 weeks in Australia, in particular. In Tassie, seven of the nine of us on our group tour were women, and all of us were in our fifties or older. Some serious bad ass ladies traveling and adventuring and using our fit bodies for fun and laughing and sharing all the way. The oldest of us was in her seventies, and I’m so inspired and reassured that I can keep doing what I love as long as I take care of the vessel…and have some luck on my side. On my fancy train trip, The Ghan, I was seated at dinner with 3 other women traveling alone. All of us in our fifties. In a victorian novel, that would mean we were sad little “old Maids”. That was certainly not the vibe in our 21st-century version! We ended up having all of our meals together while on the train, and we’ll be connected for life. On the outback trip, there were two sets of mothers and daughters, a young woman from Germany doing all the traveling alone she could before settling down, and two sisters in their sixties from the UK who came to visit their brother and do some traveling while they were there. Only one guy was on that trip out of twelve. And all three of the guides on both of my trips were young women. All in their early thirties and in charge of all of us with humor and enthusiasm, and so much knowledge to share with respect for the land and the culture. And Lauren and Kayla had to fix the taillight on our trailer, and Betty had to manage (with grace) a van and trailer stuck in the deep, soft red sand after a rain. Her sense of humor was so great that she named our WhatsApp group “Betty Bogged the Bus.” I’m so proud and impressed, and I’ve renewed my faith that this world might evolve for the better if we can just get some more damn women in charge of things! Most of the guys are all right, too, but this isn’t about them!

So, on that note, here are some absolutely, seriously cool and wonderful things I’ve done and seen in the last few weeks:

Tasmania (“Tassie”, Taz-ee)

Before the Tour Launceston: Harvest Market; The Royal Oak Hotel for great food and beer and live music/comedy; The City Park (especially check out the Japanese Maque monkey exhibit and the Queen Victoria water fountain)

Tour Company (most of stay, eat, and do): Intrepid Tours: Walk Tasmania’s Capes, Freycinet and Maria Islandhttps://www.intrepidtravel.com/en/australia/walk-tasmanias-east-coast-167554

Do even if you’re not on a Walking Tour: Port Arthur Historical Site; Port Arthur lavender (two words: lavender ice cream); Bangor Vineyard Shed

After the Tour Hobart, I barely scratched the surface of this really cool little Tasmanian capital city, but spending the day at this museum was just, wow! MONA (the Museum of Old and New Art) It’s the funkiest of funky contemporary art. A playground for grown-ups, with a world-class restaurant, winery, and music venue. If you lived in Hobart, you could spend almost every weekend out here. It even has its own ferry from downtown. Super super cool.

Adelaide

Stay: The Franklin Hotel

Eat: Bottega Bandito; Nola; Herringbone

Do: Adelaide Fringe. I only caught a day of it accidentally and got to see one show that was really, amazingly wonderful, jaw-droppingly thrilling, and sassy, but it’d be worth going back for a week or two. I saw The Infamous Show

The Ghan

Treat yourself to this old-school, very comfortable luxury train experience. It rained really hard on my one night/day, but it was still wonderful, and I’d do it again. You can take it all the way from Adelaide to Darwin, but I stopped in Alice Springs.

The Red Centre (The Outback, The Rock

Before the Tour Alice Springs: Don’t stay at the Stay at Alice Springs. Probably anywhere else is better; DO eat at Bella Alice for really world class pizza and a good wine list and DO shop at Red Kangaroo Books, specializing in Australian and outback books.

Tour Company: Autopia Tours 3-day Uluru from Alice Springs

After the Tour: Ayers Rock Resort (three levels of service hotels, spa, pools, restaurants.

Melbourne (or a hotel and shopping complex in a suburb of Melbourne)

I’ve been to Melbourne before and stayed downtown, eaten at good restaurants, and been to the museums. I was sick and needed a place to recoup and rest and get some shit together before I moved on to Japan, so this suburban retreat was just right!

Stay: The Hotel Chadstone (indoor top floor pool, very good Italian restaurant, room service)

Do: shop, eat, nails, movie, play at The Chadstone Shopping Complex This is not your Mama’s Galleria…

Farewell, Australia, ‘til I see you again! And that’s a wrap on almost 3 months in the land Down Under. On to Japan….

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

—Albert Einstein

“Doesn’t pay attention in class,” “Doesn’t turn homework in on time,” “Makes careless mistakes,” “Has the worst handwriting of any GIRL in class,” “Does not work to her potential.”

When I was 15 and started driving myself to school (yes, Mississippi in the 80s), I was late every single day, and it was embarrassing. I had French first period, and my teacher was disappointed, not mad, and would sigh heavily and assign detention after school…again. Picking up trash. Humiliating. One day, when I knew I was going to be late again, I turned around and drove back home, and sobbed to my Mom that I wasn’t going back to school. She didn’t know what to do with me.

Apparently (in retrospect), hormones and teenage angst and a new baby sister in the mix, combined with whatever was happening in my brain, created the perfect storm for trouble: sneaking out, drinking, smoking, and myriad other reckless and impulsive self-destructive behaviors. Boarding school the next year was the answer and ultimately, for the rest of high school, my savior.

Structure, schedules, living, and having meals with my teachers, and the fear of getting kicked out, were the catalysts I needed. I was a star student. I was elected student body president by the faculty, staff, and students, and was nominated as our school’s finalist for the Morehead Scholarship at UNC-Chapel Hill. But the expectations and responsibilities of both of those positions were too overwhelming. I hid from anything related to my leadership position by escaping into books and phone calls with my then-boyfriend, and didn’t prepare for the interview weekend at Chapel Hill by reading all of the leftover copies of The Wall Street Journal and Christian Science Monitor my headmaster gave me to read so I’d be up on current affairs. Instead, I ended up drinking and smoking pot all night with one of the other finalists (and I think listening to Enya?). Unsurprisingly, I totally bombed the interview. I’ve felt guilty for years because my classmate, who would have been next in line for the nomination, deserved it and needed it way more than I did.

I got into Vanderbilt with my grades, test scores, and Student Body President on my resume, but again, the expectations and lack of structure completely undid me. I barely made it through, except in the writing and literature classes that I loved and that came easily to me. I skipped classes, fell behind on reading and assignments, and turned papers in late by shoving them under my professors’ office doors after hours. How embarrassing that I had to go to my sorority’s study hall as a pledge because my grades were on probation for membership. Ugh.

By graduation, having tanked my grades, I saw very few prospects for a career, and definitely not for graduate school, which wouldn’t have given me a second look with my GPA. Marriage and babies were something I wanted, and it was easy for me, and they filled my heart and mind with ready-made, safe comfort and love. If I let the kids skip after-school activities or even whole school days sometimes, because I just couldn’t get it together, I think we’re all fine. That the laundry, grocery shopping, and dishes didn’t always get done, well…that’s a whole ‘nother issue that won’t be discussed today!

Common characteristics of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): “Time Blindness”; Trouble getting started on big projects or finishing them once interest is exhausted; Becoming overwhelmed by expectations and shutting down or putting off tasks until they become too big and then too late; Acting Impulsively, talking too much or interrupting, impatience, Forgetfulness, disorganization and messiness, trouble maintaining social relationships, being easily distracted, frustration intolerance, emotional dysregulation, and hyper focus on tasks of interest to the detriment of all else. Addiction is often a result of untreated ADHD.

I was in therapy for almost 30 years before I figured out that the thing that made the most sense to explain the struggles I’d had since childhood was probably ADHD. And a professional never mentioned it. Ever. I was trying to help my child, who was having very similar struggles, and while researching, I found a book called Driven to Distraction, which described in very familiar vignettes what it looks like when adults, especially women, struggle with the characteristics of ADHD. I've stopped using the word symptoms — because I'm beginning to embrace neurodivergent and neurotypical processing as simply different, not disordered. To me, the world is built around narrow expectations for how a person should think, work, learn, and connect. My personal mission is to dismantle the shame that comes from feeling like you've failed — just because your brain works differently.

Unlearning a lifetime of self-criticism is, apparently, a lifelong process — but 55 years of believing I needed to be fixed feels like a waste. It's exhausting to fight against a world that expects you to contort yourself into a particular shape that is not yours. I know I'm lucky — I've built a comfortable life, even while navigating a brain that operates on its own unpredictable terms. But that comfort has come with real limits: working regular hours without crumbling under the weight of stress, overwhelm, and anxiety, has never been something I managed very well. Thank goodness for technology, which has helped keep me better organized and taken a lot of the stress away. I’m a work in progress!

I’d like to think that some of these characteristics actually are strengths. Maybe impulsivity and recklessness, reframed, are my bravery in taking leaps into adventures. My hyper focus allows me to dig into research on things I’m very interested in, like traveling the world, or to read for literal hours through the day and night to finish a book that’s got me hooked, laundry and dishes be damned! My impatience and frustration intolerance allow me to cut through bullshit! That one might be a stretch. Regardless, well past middle age, I am finally learning to have patience and love for these parts of myself I have always hated, which have caused me such grief and shame. Not to let myself off the hook for things I should try to change, but to remind myself that I am human and humans are messy. We are all children of creation and results of a broken and imperfect world. All we can do is try to be gentle with ourselves and others, and when we are not, to love and forgive anyway. Maybe a very daunting task, but one that seems maybe more possible one day at a freakin’ time!

I’ve been in Australia for 2 weeks! Here are some cool things I’ve done and places I’ve been since I’ve been here.

Port Douglas (in the Far North of Queensland)

Stay: Awesome Airbnb walking/biking distance to town and the beach (great little pool too which was necessary in the Jungle heat!)

Do: rent a bike; Walk Four Mile Beach; Go on a full day Daintree rainforest and croc cruise (didn’t see any crocs); Go on a full day Catamaran snorkeling cruise to the Low Isles (part of the giant Great Barrier Reef National park); Get a Thai Massage

Eat/Drink: This is a beach resort town, so eating and drinking is something you do. Salsas, Cucina and bar, Zinc Port Douglas; Wrasse and Roe; The Courthouse Hotel

Bookstores: Whileaway Books and Coffee; The Book Lounge

Sydney (Capital of New South Wales)

Stay: An Amazing Airbnb in the Suburb of Mosman, which is an easy 25-30 min bus ride into the city center, and is a really cool little walkable village with lots of shops and restaurants, and tree-lined streets with historic cottages.

Do: Take Public transportation: Trains, buses and Ferries, oh my!; Taronga Zoo; The Art Gallery of NSW; Botanic Gardens of Sydney; See a play or show at The Sydney Opera House; Walk the Manly Beach to Spit Bridge Track; See a Movie at the Hayden Orpheum Picture Palace in Mosman

Eat/Drink: Bennelong at the SydneyOpera House; Mr. Wong’s; August The Old Place (Mosman); The Buena Mosman; Marilyna’s Famous Pizza Mosman

Bookstores: Three Sparrows Books and Harry Hartogs both in Mosman in the same block

“The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.”

-Oprah Winfrey, fellow Aquarius

Today, February 15th, should have been my cousin Trevor’s 47th birthday. He tragically died in a car wreck when he was 17, forever altering the emotional fabric of our extended family. I was 8 when he was born, and during his babyhood, he was my playtoy (for better or worse). He was so stinking cute! But I got older, and he got annoying, though I still drove him and his other annoying buddies around when I was in town. Then he became a budding baseball star, and I was in college and in a serious relationship. The last time I saw him was dancing with him at my wedding, or maybe at the big family trip to Grayton Beach? I can’t remember which came first. Regardless, just a few months later, he was gone.

The 16th, tomorrow, was our grandmother’s birthday. Bear, as we grandchildren and then everyone else who knew her called her, loved to send Trevor and me “our” horoscopes. We were all Aquarians, and as far back as I can remember, that has meant something concrete to me about my identity. An Aquarian is defined ultimately as a free spirit, a contrarian of sorts. Fiercely independent. And those shoes definitely fit! As I’ve gotten older and been something of a navel-gazer, always looking to unlock the essence of who I am, I’ve been fascinated to notice that other, more official and professionally recognized personality typing systems align themselves pretty well with, at least in my case, the described traits of the zodiac as well (also maybe with my ADHD diagnosis? But that’s a discussion for another time!). It actually makes sense to me that the movements of the moon, stars, and planets can somehow affect the temperament or personality of a developing child in the womb. If the moon can affect the tides and the cycles of a woman’s hormonal system, the gravitational pulls and fields of energy could possibly influence the arrangement and balance of chemical and biological elements in a growing fetus.

Anyway, Bear was an independent dreamer and an adventurer at heart. Finding joy in words, dance, music, and all things yummy and delicious. I can remember her animatedly putting her hands on her bent knees and shimmying side to side as she showed us moves from her childhood dance recital, composing bawdy rhymes for toasts during carnival season, and sharing her champagne and cigarettes with 15-year-old me at the Algonguin piano bar in New York after we saw Cats. I also hear her deep, strong drawl reading some of my favorite stories to me, propped up in her bed on a lazy afternoon. She fostered in me my lifelong love of reading, especially the kind that lasts all day or even all night. She lived as big as she was able, but ultimately her biggest adventures were confined to those books she loved. She had four babies before she was 22 and her first grandchild, me, at 39. She never drove outside of Hattiesburg, MS, until she was almost 50. Whether actual or imagined, she was confined by social norms and expectations, but had she lived in a different time and place and under different circumstances, I could absolutely envision her taking a trip like the one I’m on now. I wish Bear and Trevor, and I, could have had more years to laugh and play and adventure. I wish I’d had the chance to know Trevor into his adulthood to see how his Aquarian flag would have flown. I’m not sure what my conception of the afterlife is, but I like the idea of him and Bear having adventures and laughs together there.

I’m leaving New Zealand tomorrow and flying to Australia. The last 6 weeks driving myself around these two islands in the South Pacific have been truly stupendous! One jaw-dropping expanse of scenery after another. I’ve also developed quite a love affair with the array of bird life you can see, even in an urban park. A guide on one of my nature walks called us bird nerds, and I’m fully embracing it! I’ve seen some strange birds, weird birds, and funny and beautiful birds. They make my Aquarian heart laugh and grin in wonder. Here are some of my favorites, along with the cool places I’ve been and the things I’ve done over the last 2 weeks in New Zealand. I’ll be back!

New Zealand Birds:

These are the ones I was able to catch on camera. Saw a glimpse of many more. I even saw a kiwi on a night tour of a wildlife sanctuary. Some were just too fast for my iPhone camera skills. For more information on the unique bird life of New Zealand, check out this site: Birdwatching in New Zealand

Queenstown Area: Lake Hayes, Arrowtown, Glenorchy

Stay: Amazing Airbnb in Lake Hayes

Eat: Aosta, The Woolshed at Ayrburn, The Fork and Tap, Kinross

Drink: Bendix Stables

Cellar Doors: Mt. Rosa; Kinross (5 wineries); Mora

Do: Arrowtown Wine Tours; Lake Hayes Track; Lagoon Walk, Glenorchy; Shop Arrowtown; Dorothy Browns Cinema

Invercargill/Stewart Island/Ulva Island

Stay: Tuatara Backpackers Lodge

Eat: Tuatara Cafe and Bar, Amigos Invercargill, South Sea Hotel, Stewart Island

Drink: The Snuggery, Stewart Island

Do: RealNZ ferry and tours to Ulva Island; Stewart Island Flights

Dunedin (pronounced Du-NEED-un)/Otago Peninsula

Stay: Highland House Boutique Hotel

Eat: Bacchus Restaurant and Wine Bar

Drink: The Craic Irish Tavern

Shop: Relics Music and HiFi Store

Do: Royal Albatross Center; Dunedin Botanical Garden and Aviary, Experience Sea Lions at Allans Beach Otago Peninsula; Walk through University of Otago Campus

Christchurch/Lyttelton:

Stay: Amazing Airbnb in Lyttelton

Eat: Twenty Seven Steps; Little High Food Hall

Drink: Eruption Brewing

Do: Avon River City Centre Loop; Awaroa/Godley Head Track

Shop: Henry Trading Lyttelton

Bookstore: Scorpio Books

“Don’t seek happiness. Happiness is like an orgasm. If you think about it too much, it goes away. Keep busy and aim to make someone else happy and you might find you get some as a side effect. We didn’t evolve to be constantly content. Contented Homo Erectus got eaten before passing on their genes.”

-Tim Minchin from his “9 Life Lessons” commencement speech, University of Western Australia, 2013

One thing that has always fascinated me is how individuals are who they are and become who they become. Despite shared experiences, culture, race, ethnicity, generation, gender, wealth, or poverty, people are ultimately individuals with their own temperament, personality, and chemical/biological challenges or advantages. Nature, nurture, luck, divine intervention, metaphysical anomaly, genetics, cosmic alignment. Whatever it is, some people struggle more to find their place in the world as it is, while others sail through. I’m somewhere in the middle. I run a bit melancholic and wrestle with internal discontent. But I also find joy in some of the simplest pleasures. Luck, grace, and privilege (mulled over in previous posts) have allowed me to live and explore in that middle.

When I was 13, I would have moments when I just could not sit still in my house anymore. I would leave and walk and walk and walk in my neighborhood. Most likely listening to the Talking Heads on my Walkman. I mean, 1984. I don’t think I wanted to actually engage in “Burning Down the House”, but metaphorically?

When I was 21, I watched the 1992 Seattle-based movie Singles about being young in your twenties on repeat, even though I had to rent it over and over from Blockbuster. I listened to the soundtrack too, for many years later. Something about that freedom, that new independence of our generation, called to me. I dreamed about moving out there after I graduated from college. Something radical. Find a job when I got there. But I was afraid of the unknown. Afraid of failure. Afraid of talking my Mom into “letting” me. Afraid of leaving the familiar and safe.

I also wanted to get married, have babies, and make a stable and comfortable life with the person I loved and liked, and who I trusted to make that life for me and take care of me. It was the safer and more certain choice. A deep breath. A relief. A precious, beautiful life. It was that way for the most part for over 30 years. All of our adult lives to this point.

Turning 50 felt different from all of my previous “milestone” birthdays. We had a joint birthday party (on his birthday in October) to celebrate both of us and our quarter-century of marriage. We toasted with our friends with sex on the Beach shots and said, “Fuck 2020!” We were a good team. But maybe it was the weirdness and scariness of the pandemic around my actual birthday in January 2021 that made time suddenly feel both fleeting and moving too fast. I felt for the first time that life really was finite, and I could see the potential end much more clearly and closer than it had ever felt. Lists of things I hadn’t done yet and wanted to do piled up and overwhelmed. But I was still afraid of taking a chance. Of blowing up my life (and his and our kids’) as I knew it.

We made lots of seemingly radical life decisions during this time that I’m not sure I really thought through, but that felt exciting and “road less traveledy”. Such adventure! Such creative endeavors! We built a house in Jamaica for goodness sake. We bought a condo in downtown Asheville! We designed, decorated, planned, and filled our time with projects. Then this past spring/summer, we sold our “forever” house and downsized into a condo in a cool urban neighborhood in Nashville. It was such a fun idea and another project! But things very quickly fell apart. The cracks begin to show. All of these fun, interesting, creative outside-the-box choices couldn’t hide that we were growing in different ways, and the way we wanted or needed to spend the next 30 years wasn’t going to vibe with each other the way it had to in order to continue on together. Suddenly, the fear of staying and ignoring what was no longer working outweighed the fear of leaving and claiming something new for myself for the next phase of my life.

So, turning 55 in January 2026 is really along a Road less traveled for me. I marked the day by taking my first helicopter ride to a glacier, donning crampons, and tramping along a 300-meter-thick slab of creeping ancient ice. It was epic, but life is life, and as I noted in my last post, “wherever you go, there you are.” So joys and pains are ever-present, and practicing interior peace is a lifelong pursuit. For now, I’m living my 13-year-old need to move and move and move, and my 21-year-old call to freedom, adventure, and independence at a time in my life that was open for a change.

I’ve made it to Queenstown and have only 2 weeks left in New Zealand. Time does fly! Here are some cool places I’ve gone and things I’ve been doing on my last few stops.

Nelson: little city gem with amazing views; good food and drink (per usual!); epic coastal walks

Stay: Airbnb in Stoke. The best part of this Airbnb was the views and windows. If I had to do it again, I’d stay closer to the city centre. It’s a very walkable small city with beach, mountain, and river walks

Eat/Drink: The Free House Pub (best beer garden/Tap Room in New Zealand!); Hopgoods (excellent, elegant food and space); The Indian Cafe, The Vic Public House

Do: Abel Tasman walks; River Walk; The Nelson Saturday Market

Bookstore: Page and Blackmore Booksellers

Greymouth/Hokitika: historic hotel; Gorgeous Gorge walk

Stay/Eat/drink: The Theater Royal Hotel (beautifully restored 19th century hotel with attached pub)

Do: Hokitika Gorge Walk

Fox Glacier Village: funky, cool pubs; quaint vibe town; rainforesty lake walk and Epic Glacier Adventure

Stay: Sunset Motels (perfectly comfortable efficiency motel room with patios and ridiculous view…also visiting chickens.);

Eat/Drink: Cook Saddle Cafe and Saloon (Amazingly good seafood chowder and grilled chicken sandwich or “chicken burger” to the kiwis); Cafe Neve (coffees and breakfast); Betsey Jane Restaurant (cool space with good food); Matheson Cafe (breakfast)

Do: Fox Guides Heli Hike; Lake Matheson walk; Gillespies Beach

“Wherever you go, there you are.”

-Jon Kabat-Zinn

I’ve never actually read the book titled “Wherever You Go, There You Are " by Jon Kabat-Zinn, but I get the gist. The phrase comes back to me over and over because as a person who leans heavily into moving and going and doing, even if that’s with my head in a book or movie instead of actually changing physical locations, I am ever aware that there is no universe or piece of media or love or food or drink or drug which can ultimately allow a person to be free from the complicated miasma of stuff that is you. For me, the moving and doing and being lends itself to wrestling with that inner “me” and having frank conversations with myself (sometimes out loud, while hiking the Queen Charlotte Track, to the consternation of fellow hikers coming round the bend and many an unsettled bird).

There was an article in The New Yorker a few weeks ago that argued against travel. It was meant to spark debate and also, most likely, to piss off people like me. Its main argument was that people who travel are elitist, self-important prigs who collect experiences and locations on the map just to tell other people about them and feel better about themselves for being so worldly and sophisticated. The very fact that it was in The New Yorker and that I am citing an article from said New Yorker, kind of proves the point (she says with an eye roll at herself). There’s probably a good amount of truth to the argument, but I think, like most things, intention and context are key. If you approach the world and its people and cultures knowing that you don’t know everything and that the way you’ve always experienced the world is not necessarily the best or only way it can be experienced, then you might just avoid being an asshole.

You don’t have to change locations to benefit from “travel”. Books, movies, art, and food can all offer similar amounts of learning about the world and yourself in relation to it. I seem to be a kinetic, tactile learner and meditator. I want to move through the world and experience it with my senses so it can tell me everything.

So, what was I telling myself and asking myself on my most recent walk?

“Your feelings are your feelings”. “Be kind and patient with yourself and your kids”. “One foot in front of the other in front of the other”. “All will be well”. “He has a right to retreat and be silent”. “Where do I want to be after this, and what do I want to do?” And, “I hope there’s a potty somewhere on this hike so I don’t have to squat behind a tree and fall off that cliff.” (There thankfully was.)

A very close, important person in my life said to me recently, “Be kind to Lloyd. She’s awesome, and she doesn’t need to climb a mountain every day.” This is an aphorism I intend to keep pressed close to my heart. We all should be kinder to ourselves. We only have one life and one self to get through it with.

Here’s some cool stuff I’ve done in the last few days and a map to follow along:

First, Some local breweries whose beers I’ve enjoyed. If I can’t have a saison or Hefe, I’ll take a nice juicy Hazy. Kiwis do good beer.

Tutatara Hazy IPA

LakeMan Brewing Hairy Hop IPA

Parrotdog Birdseye Hazy

Sawmill Hazy

Rotorua: Hobbits, Cool geothermal Activity and stinky soaks

Stay: The Princes’ Gate Hotel

Do: Wai-Ariki Hot Springs and Spa, Orakei Karako Geothermal park, Hobbiton

Eat: Dukes’ Restaurant and Bar at The Prince’s Gate Hotel, Eat Street, Atticus Finch

Bookstore: McLeod’s Books

Lake Taupo: Lava Glass, Paddling against the wind, and not so Ancient Maori Carvings

Stay: Gorgeous AirBnB

Do: Lava Glass workshop, cafe and Sculpture Garden, Huka Falls, Yoga Tree Taupo (Iyengar yoga), Taupo Water Sports SUP, Sunset Cruise to the Maori Carvings

Eat and Drink: Lionel’s , Jimmy Coop’s LakeHouse

Tongariro: Thwarted by weather, but beautiful misty walks and waterfalls anyway

Stay: Plateau Lodge

Eat and Drink: Schnapp’s Bar

Do: Taranaki Falls Loop , Tongariro Alpine Crossing (I couldn’t do it this time because of weather, but hope to go back)

Wellington: The Windy City with excellent food, museums and urban nature preserves

Stay: Rydges Suites Hotel

Do: The Wellington Museum, Zealandia Twilight Tour, Weta Workshop Tour, Te Papa Museum of New Zealand

Eat: The Gold Lining Cafe, The Portlander, The Capital Restaurant, Logan Brown

Picton: Gateway to Marlborough Wine Country and Queen Charlotte Sound

Get Here: InterIslander Ferry

Do: Marlbourogh Wine Tours, Queen Charlotte Track Cruise and Self Hike

Eat and Drink: Oxley’s Bar and Kitchen, Seabreeze Cafe, The Fork and Fable, The Boat Shed Bar (post Queen Charlotte walk)

Wineries: Forrest Winery, Whitehaven, No. 1 Family Estate

Bookstore: The Picton Bookshop

One of my absolute favorite things about traveling is meeting people from all over the world who also value getting out of their home base and exploring new places. In the past 10 days, I’ve met people from Canada, England, Italy, Austria, Mexico, and the Netherlands, as well as many, many local New Zealanders (kiwis). The inevitable questions people ask are “Where are you from?” “What do you do?” and “How long are you traveling?” These didn’t used to be such complicated or controversial questions to answer. I could keep it simple, but I think that honesty and openness make the best conversations, and regardless, I need to answer those questions for myself as well!

So, how long am I traveling? The plan is nine months. Why nine months? Originally, the thinking was that I wanted to be back home with my friends and family for the holidays, and I already had a walking tour booked for mid-September of 2026 in England. So, as I kept adding on to all the places and things I wanted to go and do, I filled up the calendar til September, and I wanted to start on January 1st. A new start and fresh beginning at the very beginning of a new year. Yes! But, as I think more on it, nine months is also the average gestation of a human being. I’m not birthing a baby, but maybe I’m growing a human after all—a new me? A better me? A more fully me Me than ever? A me for the new and final third of my life that, spirit willing, I’ll get to live fully.

For those I haven’t shared with, the rough plan is 6 weeks road-tripping in New Zealand, 5 weeks in Australia, 10 days pilgrimage walk in Japan, 20-day tour of Eastern Europe and Turkey, 13-day tour of Morocco, 40 days to walk the full Camino de Santiago (Frances Route), which gets me to the end of June. After that, I have a 2-month Eurail pass to explore countries I haven’t yet before including Germany, Austria, the Netherlands, Norway, and Sweden. Finally, I’m ending with some time back in Scotland and England, then flying back to the States just in time for my bestie Jessica’s 60th birthday girls trip to Joshua Tree at the end of September. Whew! All by myself! Maybe the kids and friends will visit along the way, but mostly by myself, and I absolutely love it. I love people. Love to meet them and talk to them, but I really love autonomy and personal challenge and the freedom to make my own way every day. Plan my days and take some off. To live in these places with a capital “L”. One day, one adventure, and one figuring out how the damn payment system for pumping gas works in a small kiwi town, not to mention driving on the effing “wrong side of the road! It’s awesome. It feeds my soul and makes my brain happy.

Now, the question of “What do I do back home and how can I afford to take nine months off?” That’s complicated, and I’m working through the best answers to tell others, and justify it all to myself without the shame and guilt that inevitably accompany. It goes back to privilege, and it also goes to our capitalist and/or puritanical ideas that we have to earn leisure time and joy by some type of hard work or suffering. There are also some issues around the value of women’s work as wives and mothers. I worked that job, regardless of how “well” I did it, for 30 years. Very few of those, I worked for an actual salary, though I benefited greatly from the hard work that my partner did to provide for myself and our kids. For reasons that I’m not going to go into, I decided to leave that “job” early. I’ve retired or taken a sabattacal and the law grants me financial support commensurate with the time I put in. That’s really it. That’s how I’m doing that. Moral judgements from myself or others aside, that’s how, and I’m grateful. My kids are grown and settled. My parents are still young enough to be healthy (knock on wood!). I am still young enough to be healthy and fit enough to do this. Who knows when all of that will change? I really hope not, but something may happen to make me have to abandon this journey at some point before it’s finished, but for now, I’m Living! And loving it. xoxoxo

Here are some pics and links to some of the Awesome stuff I’ve been up to in this gorgeous country: (Back from Hobbiton tour and links added. More about Hobbiton in next post I promise!)

Auckland is an excellent, beautiful, manageable little city, though it is a bit spread out, and I was glad I had a car. I stayed for 5 nights in a neighborhood a bit outside the city centre. Mount Albert is a hilly residential area—very peaceful and great views, especially from said Mount Albert park, which was walkable from my Airbnb. If you wanted to stay closer and more walkable to shops and restaurants, I’d stay in Parnell or Ponsonby, if not the actual city centre, which is a bit touristy.

Viaduct Harbor

Auckland Art Gallery

Bar History Tour

Sky Tower and Sky City

Weta Unleashed and All Blacks Experience

Ponsonby Road and Parnell Village for shopping and great little restaurants and galleries

Auckland Kayak trip to Rangitoto Island

Bookstores (This is my jam. Only made it to these three, but there are many more in town):

Unity Books

Lamplight Books

Enamoured Books (have to throw a romance book shop in there, of course)

The Coromandel Peninsula is about a 2.5-hour drive from Auckland to Coromandel town, which I made my base for 3 days. Mountains and seaside, and extremely treacherous-feeling, windy roads with absolutely no shoulder on either side. It’s either mountain wall or fall to your death in the drink! Very exciting and absolutely gorgeous!

Coromandel Town

Hahei Village

Coromandel Paddle Boarding at Cook’s Beach

The Hive Purangi

Driving Creek Railroad and Pottery

Cathedral Cove Walk/hike

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.

Marcus Aurelius

Happy 2026 from Auckland, New Zealand!

Finally starting on this journey has made it come alive and become, frankly, scary and overwhelming. Why am I doing this? Why was it so important, and what do I hope to accomplish? Is it cruel to have left the people I love for so long? But then, so much of my life has been caring how my actions—scratch that!—I have often been careless with my words and actions, but the FREEDOM! from needing to worry about what anyone else thinks or feels about anything I do or say is the deep need that drives this choice. The solitude, the agency…I am so privileged to have been able to make this decision. I know this. I have been given so much by chance and choice and the care of many others. Race, looks, money, education, the place in the world where I was born, my family of origin, and my family of choice. All of it gave me Opportunity. Chance, Luck, Grace of God? I certainly don’t know. But no one is truly spared. We are not safe from tragedy, sorrow, or inner turmoil because of our privilege, though it does give us a softer place from which to manage those things. We all put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. We all spend time as it runs out—another minute, another day until it’s over, and then we’re gone, hopefully leaving behind pleasant thoughts and memories and little to no heartbreak.

So, this is my task each day on this journey: to learn, to absorb beauty, to be inspired, to embrace the peace, to find the quiet in my heart and mind, and ultimately to return myself to myself and to those I love—a fuller version of me.

"Travel changes you. As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life — and travel — leaves marks on you."

-Anthony Bourdain

When I was 5, I snuck out of my bedroom window in the apartment where my mom and I lived in Oxford, MS, while she was in law school. I wasn’t sad, mad, or unhappy. I just had a mission and a packed bag. My best friend in the complex and I had planned an adventure and a meeting place, but alas, when I got there, he was not, and I had to turn back around and knock on my shocked mom’s window to let me back in since I wasn’t tall enough to climb back on the AC unit I’d used to climb out of my own window. This is evidence of my essential nature: independence, freedom, adventure, some might say recklessness, and impulsivity. I think there’s a spectrum and a balance between these that I’ve been ruminating on all of my adult life.

When I was in 8th grade, my grandparents announced a big secret. We were going to Jamaica for Christmas! The whole family. As the oldest of the then six grandchildren, I was given the privilege of being the first to know the exciting news. But I was NOT excited. This was NOT good news. I was devastated! What about our traditions, cold weather (as cold as it ever got in south Mississippi), pine trees, Poppa dressed up like Santa on Christmas Eve? Needless to say, 13-year-old me was sentimental. Once we got to Ocho Rios (still a sleepy tourist town in 1984 before the cruise ships invaded), and I got my room assignment in the house on the hill far away from my annoying baby cousins, I discovered the beauty of being in new places, eating new foods with new smells, and a temperature that was just right. It was a spiritual awakening, a revelatory experience, and I was forever hooked. Many years and much travel together later, Bob and I chose to take our young family to Jamaica and went on to establish a 20-year-plus connection with the people and place. My young teenage experience made a lifelong impression.

Last week, amidst the upheaval of Bob and me going through a divorce, the kids and I had a pre-Christmas week in San Miguel d’Allende and Mexico City, Mexico. Warm and sunny during the day and cool and crisp at night, I was reminded of the spiritually exciting Jamaican Christmas of my youth. This was to be a coming together for Mom and young adult kids, to regroup in our new developing reality, a celebration of us, and a farewell, as I’m about to embark on this epic adventure I’ve created for myself. There were some challenging conversations, but we could handle them! That’s what close emotional connection with your important people is all about. We are not always happy with each other’s choices, and we do not always understand them, but when we share and are open and honest, we’ll always be closer on the other side. I see bright things ahead for all of us.

A thing I have learned: you can’t take anything of the past with you. The magic and joy of your childhood Christmases will fade, but can live in your memories. Your babies will not stay babies to cuddle in your lap. And you cannot, no matter how hard you try, truly absorb the beauty you see in the world, not even if you photograph or film every single thing. It’s fleeting. Only the impressions remain and not nearly so strong. Nostalgia and sentiment for the past are strong, but never enough. The only thing I know to do is breathe deeply in the place and simply exist in the space for as long as you are able and know that the next thing, time, place will be just as interesting and fulfilling as the ones from before, and those are always with you, ever evolving as you move.

My Senior yearbook quote says it better:

Yet all experience is an arch wherethro’
Gleams that untravell’d world whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move. -Sir Alfred Lord Tennyson

Here are some snaps and some links from a cool place to be in the world, especially in winter!

San Miguel:

Book Transportation and tours with: Angelica Tours

Shop at Mixta or Dolce 18 , Dam Joyeria,

Eat at Tostaverde or Casa Giovanni & Marina or the rooftop at Quince

Spend quiet time in The Parque Benito Juarez

Mexico City:

Stay at Hotel San Fernando (or really anywhere in La Condesa or Roma Norte

Shop at Under the Volcano Books or 99 Records or San Junipero Vintage

Eat at Ardente or Koku near the hotel

Coffee at almost any of a gajillian spots in La Condesa

Cocktails at the Four Seasons CDMX after exploring the Bosque de Chapultepec

Walk down the leafy center of Amsterdam street (an old race track so it’s an oval)

Spend quiet time in Parque La Mexicana