You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 21, 2023

I am back at my practices this morning. May I ever remember when I had to meditate and do my yoga asana practice next to a toilet and be grateful for whatever space I may have in the future. I had a nice vision of a few friends and I coming back to this space and offering meditation/mindfulness/creative classes for the men and women. My body is definitely feeling the day off yesterday and all the tension and staying in bed so much the last few days. My stamina is still flagging early but I will continue to work on that.

As I am reminded often, this is jail and what my wants and needs are have very little relevance here.

It was really good to see Rev Sharon today in person, she was able to stay almost an hour and a half!!! I am so grateful that the deputies on shift “forgot” the time limit and let her stay. I feel so centered and “normal” when I am with her, it becomes a hard adjustment back here afterwards. She shared a story of how when she was bartending still but beginning a transcendental meditation practice, she would go to the bathroom between double shifts and meditate sitting on the toilet there. Now when I sit by the toilet to meditate, I imagine it’s a way of spending time together with her :-)

I’m glad I decided to stay in my cell tonight— things kicked off real bad between Ange, Leah and the new girl. They started ganging up on Leah and calling her a demon— and she retaliated by calling them the n-word and then they went at each other. Now the whole block is on lockdown and everyone is in their individual cells losing their shit, screaming horrific things at each other through the locked doors. Pain giving to pain giving to pain giving to pain— each person seeking to hurt the other worse than they were hurt.

It was wrong of Leah to use that word and I’m not saying the other women shouldn’t have been upset but escalating to physical violence and screaming matches doesn’t help resolve or repair the harm. I miss Monny a whole lot tonight and Chrys and the relative peace of my first few weeks here.

Do my own time. Do my own time. Do my own time.

Just keep reminding myself of this over and over again.

Laundry’s back early tonight (11p.m.) but still damp so I’m wearing my blues to bed and hoping the whites will air dry in here. I definitely comfort ate tonight— a cookie and a cookup after that— and now my stomach’s all upset. I think after I finish these snacks Shannon sent me, I’ll take a break from ordering anything other than the peanut butter and tortillas for roll-ups and cheez-its so I have something to eat on the nights meals are gross. But all this sugar is not helping me settle with everything happening around here and I have so little willpower to not eat them if the treats are in my box.

Lights “out” for the night— it always surprises me how dark it feels at first but then my eyes adjust and it’s bright enough still to read, write, and work on my art. I think the dimmed lights at night would pass as “normal” lights on the outside but I’ve become so used to the brights on all day long that they feel dark at night.

I’m going to try and lay down to read— we’ll see if I’m able to settle tonight. There are times where I dream of being sent down to max to be in solitary; apparently you can be there and still receive some commissary and visit/phone call privileges, and if I’m honest that sounds okay to me.

The new girl is supposed to go home in the morning and I am both happy for her and hopeful that that will decrease the tension here— I think other than getting out to check messages and try to call Julie, I will stay in during walk about times tomorrow while things are still so heightened. Get my exercise by doing yoga instead of walking.

What does it look like to do my own time? Maybe that should be my deep work journaling session tomorrow.

Surya Namaskar Count: 10

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

P.S. I so appreciate each and every one of you for coming along with me and venturing into the past through this memoir project. And what is true is that I am more than this one story, so I’ve decided that at the end of each of these journal entries I’ll share links to other writings of mine that give voice to other parts of my life and myself. My deepest gratitude to all 🙏

Mother of Souls

This piece is an audio recording of my story from a Moth Story Slam in March 2026. Included along with the recording is the story of how my chosen name, anyakara shraddha, came to be and some special moments honoring dia de los muertos with community this week. Enjoy!

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 20, 2023

Deep Work

Reflections:

Being here in this cell makes prompts like these interesting and challenging to complete, both because of my inability to go outside for a walk and collect something but also my lack of personal space to build a cairn that I could return to.

So instead, I will bring this to the less tangible realm—

Specifically, in this moment, I’m thinking of Monny. She is heading off to prison any day now, it’s been “any day” for almost a month now, and while she shares her softness and her fears with me in our private moments together in the cell, I can also see her armoring up to survive in an even harder, more brutal place than this one. She doesn’t interact as much anymore and when she does its mostly surface level. I cannot take anything of Monny’s to build a cairn for her soul, but I can intentionally hold that softness, keep it safe for her, I can be a touchstone for her, as others are for me, of a reality beyond the concrete steel walls and razor edged fencing we exist in.

It is possible to be a living cairn for the souls I encounter, to keep their light, their unshakable goodness, safe and honor it until they feel ready to welcome the softness back into their bodies and minds and bring their souls firmly home.

I see the guards who treat us harshly, who speak and act with violence and hatred, and I witness how this environment has tainted or stripped their soul as well. So, I will hold theirs in softness and light until there comes a time when we see each other as fellow human beings once more. To see how this system serves no one and our world is poorer for stripping the vibrancy and aliveness from the souls of all who enter here.

And it would be foolish, and false, if I didn’t include my own soul as one of the one’s in jeopardy in a place such as this. So, I bring my own to the cairn held in my heart as well, so that it too may have a soft and fierce resting place while I remain here, for as long as I remain here.

Daily Journal:

I wish I could just die. My mind is full of memories of Liam this morning and having to remember that they’re only ever in the past now — that he’s gone— shatters me beyond comprehension. I don’t want to be here without him— it seems an impossibility that I am and yet this is a reality I cannot escape it seems. I can’t give this pain that lives within me to others who love and care about me. So here I stay, but remain questioning why every single moment.

I woke up this morning with really intense abdominal cramps, so I’m hydrating and staying in bed for a bit longer this morning. Dinner must not have sat well with my body last night, or all the stress is getting to me. Most likely some combination of the two. Last night was not a restful night, Leah had a full psychotic episode and was then agitated for a few hours afterwards.

I hope we have yoga class today. It would be nice to get off the cell block for a little bit.

(in reference to dream of building a grief farm when I returned home)

It’s getting really old getting yelled at over the intercom when Leah leaves the cell door open when she’s called out— I know that won’t change, that she doesn’t do it on purpose, so I need to remember to just close it after her myself so then I can avoid someone coming over the intercom and ripping into me.

This day is a lot. Just getting back from class and someone in the cell beneath us is sobbing in their shower, which pumps directly into our cell. This has been going on for a bit while I was gone apparently and has Leah on edge and keyed up— I’m finding it hard to settle as well. The emotional toll of being locked in a cell while you hear someone’s pain and suffering audibly is excruciating. Dinner will be in a little while and then I think I will just stay in tonight and try to read and rest.

I wonder if someone new got moved in downstairs? It’s not usual for the women down there to be so emotional— for better or worse they are well acclimated to being here and rarely show any emotion other than anger most days. I wonder if something has happened or if someone new got moved in. Or maybe it is from next door— the sound travels funny in here.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

P.S. I so appreciate each and every one of you for coming along with me and venturing into the past through this memoir project. And what is true is that I am more than this one story, so I’ve decided that at the end of each of these journal entries I’ll share links to other writings of mine that give voice to other parts of my life and myself. My deepest gratitude to all 🙏

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 19, 2023

Deep Work

Seven Sentence Starters to Support Hope

I love… Liam and Miracle and all the children of the world.

I’d like to thank… Mc and Tiko for their radical acceptance and transformative friendship

Looking at the future we are heading into, my concerns include… the depth of pain and our inability to hold it and allow it to transform us for the better individually and collectively.

Facing these concerns, what inspires me is… people in my community doing the work to learn how to bear witness and hearing the stories of individuals who’ve transmuted their suffering into service of a better world for others.

Looking at the future we’re heading into, what I deeply hope for is… a wider awakening to compassion and service by the greater collective.

A part I’d like to play in support of this is… creating a carefarm for the traumatically bereaved in my community. A space of healing and presence after tragedy.

A step I’ll take toward this in the next week is… continuing to deepen my personal practice and hold this space of compassionate presence where I find myself, even if it is far from a garden space.

A new day. Journaling last night helped a lot to get me into a better frame of mind this morning. My morning routine still dragged a bit and now that I’m at the end of it, I feel tired but also proud and energized in a different way. Feeling more “plugged back in” to the way of life as I want to lead it. The analogy of athletics comes to mind— I want to be at the “Olympics” but really am just starting to learn the skills I need in order to play the game. Keep my mind on getting the reps in and learning versus doing it “perfect” every time. Yoga wasn’t awesome, but I did it. Meditation was scattered, but I did it. If I keep showing up and trying I’ll get better.

I need to flush the toilet but Leah is actually sleeping so I’ll just wait—it’s only pee.

What a strange lunch that was. Ange wanted to talk to me about how she handled the tablet situation this morning (aka she was proud she didn’t get into a fight and get another lockdown) and then somehow tangented to talking about her sister who died and the dreams she’s been having of her lately. She became really emotional and then when Wicks came over the intercom to tell us to head back into our cells, she lost it and started yelling at him— well at the wall where the intercom is— and then suddenly Leah bursts out behind me screaming “Stop hurting me!!!” And she goes on a rant at Ange about how she can feel all her angry energy and that she’s upset that she’s lost her sense of peace she had when Ange got angry and made the space tense with the shift in energy. Ange immediately gets defensive and says (read screams), “I’m not angry!” And off they went into a screaming match with each other. Of course, Wicks didn’t unlock our cell doors so we’re all just stuck out there while they escalate.

Now we’re back in our cells finally— Leah is spiraling and talking to the voices in her head and pacing in our cell, Ange is next door screaming and throwing things in her cell, Jess just came back from a lawyers visit that didn’t go well and is screaming at Ange to shut the fuck up— it’s 10:00 a.m.— a full day still ahead.

I’m struggling this afternoon. I’d like to go out on walkabout time to get what space I can from Leah’s manic episode but there’s already fights kicking off around the phone today so it’s not like out there is any calmer than in here… If I do go out, Ange will want to talk to me about what’s going on with her family that’s upsetting her after their call, and I just feel tapped out already today. I would love a space where I could just walk and breathe with my own self. I got a quick call into Julie and that was really good to hear her voice, but I miss her so much. I got a jolly rancher candy out for a treat and immediately Ange could smell it and was at my cell door asking for one— it gets exhausting to have her ask for something each and every day. Deep breaths— release and let go.

I’ve finished up my books again, so I need to decide which ones I’ll re-read again. This will be the third time through for most of them, the second for The Body Keeps the Score. I wish the chaplain would bring some more of the books waiting for me.

I may have CATS today? It’s a strange set up to never hear from them to know when or if I will have a session. I still need to write out those grief resources for him to have to share with others.

Dinner is done now, it’s a night that I wish I had something else to eat as the portions were small and the food itself not very filling. I have a few granola bars and some candy left— I’ll get myself down in a bit to grab one, maybe the next time I adventure down I will use the bathroom too. Ange’s energy remained high at dinner and she talked (loudly) the whole time, I just listened and stayed to myself. I feel so drained. When she starts yelling, “Yes, sir!” real loudly that’s my limit real fast.

I sent more kites this week than I have since I arrived, so we’ll see how the responses turn out. I sent a message to the chaplain asking about Monny’s Bible Study book and getting more books from my stack. (fingers crossed) I hate feeling like I’m bugging him about it but it has been two weeks so it’s not like I’m kiting all the time about it. I sent a message to Mike at CATS asking if we’d be meeting this week and for some more sudoku puzzles. Lastly, I kited classification about staying here on medium instead of getting moved to minimum at the end of the month. That’s the one I’m expecting an answer that simply says “no” or I’m asking the wrong person or I’m asking too soon as there’s still a few more weeks in the month— or no response at all. I came to a place where I wasn’t scared of doing the “wrong” thing and know the worst they can say is no or wait. And on the off chance that they give me an answer, then I won’t have to wait and let it be a mystery every night if they I’ll get buzzed to move— and the peace of mind that would come with that.

I’ve decided to set a boundary with the tablets that I don’t want to hear about them. If people want to complain and scheme with others, that’s their business but I’m done giving energy and time out of my day to the situation and that’s across the board— not just Ange and Jess but everyone. I know I’ll still hear about it because we hear everything in here but I’m not going to put energy into responding— even a pleasant face and “mhhmmming” takes effort when what I really want to say is “fuck right off and all of you grow up and learn to share!”

I keep forgetting Shannon is scheduled for a visit tonight at 8:30 p.m. I really want to see her, but I really don’t want to go out and be around all the drama…and knowing they will be all up around me watching my visit and listening in…ugh. I hate seeing Shannon struggling and me being here and not able to come by for a visit and see her. I’m hoping the mail gets to her later this week—I hope some of the pieces of art and quotes I sent along with her letter can help to lift her spirits a little bit.

I worked things out with Leah this afternoon to have the desk area kept cleared off and for a few short hours it was but now once again it is a receptacle for her dirty laundry and dishes. Taking deep breaths, adjusting expectations for living with someone with severe mental illness. Reminding myself that in the not so distant future I will have a place of my own again and things can be as I like them to be. Until then deep breaths— releasing and letting go.

Overall today went a lot better— I think because I was able to touch into the calm center within myself. It’s not my home yet, but I was able to touch into it and that’s really changing how I’m reacting today. I also did a meditation/rest before lunch with the towel over my eyes and even though I didn’t sleep, I did feel a bit more rested and that was a big difference. I did end up napping for an hour this afternoon though and I must of have been out because I didn’t move at all! Which is great on one hand but my hips are really sore from not moving on the mat for so long. I’m going to try and stay awake until tonight and not fall asleep after dinner.

Faith= open hand, open mind, open heart

Belief= specific, closed, hold on tightly, grasping

Keep pulling this thread that came up in my chat with MC this morning. I’m thinking of it tonight as I think of Julie and how we’ve both expressed difficulty in believing in anything (such as “everything happens for a reason” and “it’s all in God’s plan”, etc) and at the same time holding onto a faith of something greater than ourselves, that our boys aren’t gone forever, that they are still here in some way with us. Faith versus belief— one calls us into beingness and another compels us into doingness— and it’s not that black and white or clear cut. Keep sitting with this.

Yay! Wow, CATS sent puzzles already after receiving my message and Ange brought them back with her from her session— that was nice of her to do for me. Shannon said she sent me a whole book of Sudoku puzzles so that will be nice to have to work on when I don’t want to read or study or do art at night.

Surya Namaskar Count: 10

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 18, 2023

This is the first morning I can remember in a while where I actively don’t want to do my morning routine— I want to curl up back in bed with my daydream of another world so strongly. I’m sitting on my “mat” actively resisting beginning my asana flow— this is the first time I remember getting to this point and not feeling drawn to the practices. Usually if I can get myself up and here, even if I woke up tired and grumpy, I’ve had a reset and am engaged, but not today.

7 a.m.

Beginning again. I laid back down and read for a while, then escaped into some dreams, lots of memories from the past came up— had a good cry. I miss Liam so much, this world is so unreal, unfathomable without him.

Laid out my “mat” again, beginning again.

Is my life over yet?

Surya Namaskar Count: 10

Felt a bit better after some movement. I told the deputies about my visit this morning at wristband scan but they then shut the door and didn’t leave it popped— I’ll have to ask to get buzzed out. Everything is unsettling me today. I had hoped to find a calm center.

I did get up for a short practice but no Course of Miracles study or Deep Work, but the visit with MC and Tiko was good medicine this morning. I still feel off but better.

The Feds came for Emma this morning. I thought she was just going to a court hearing, but they had her pack up all her stuff and she’s completely gone. I wish I’d gotten up to say goodbye now, but I thought she’d be back at the end of the day.

For some reason Leah is sleeping on the floor by the door. She’s been in a particularly manic place today and got quite upset earlier when she thought no one was listening to her at lunch. (She was on a manic rant about another universe and how she needed to find the portal to get there so she was somewhat correct that people tuned her out and were talking amongst themselves.)

After weeks of tension with Jess, things are now calm between us and she had a full conversation with me today while on walkabout time. The dynamics here change so swiftly and I need to constantly remind myself that I’m not interacting with others who have practices of self-regulation or ways of settling their nervous systems or support to process the trauma they have/are experiencing. All that means things often come out in aggressive and volatile ways and that it’s rarely, if ever, truly personal.

She and Ange are at each other all day long, especially over the tablets, and meals are now mostly silent and tense. It feels difficult to strike a healthy balance at meals— it’s either so loud you can’t hear yourself think or silent, but you could cut the tension in the air with a knife. I miss eating meals gathered with people who love and care about each other, breaking bread, sharing stories.

When Leah wakes up, I’ll ask her if she is on the floor because somethings wrong with the top bunk and I’ll offer to switch with her if that’s the case. I think in the morning I will try to do my yoga at the back of the cell facing the wall with the desk and that would keep me out of Leah’s face when I’m doing my practice.

Well, that ended up being a yes from Leah, so I helped her get moved down to the bottom bunk and showed her how to tie the sheet around her mat so it would stay on when we did that. Hopefully that will help her be more comfortable. Now I’m back on the top bunk and deciding where to put my things. It’s different up here, not having my box right there next to me, so I need more of my stuff out on my bunk. When I’m on the bottom bunk, I just would put my things at the bottom edge but up here I need that space cleared to be able to climb up and down.

I usually work at the “desk”, but it’s been full of Leah’s dirty dishes and trash, I wonder if we can work on keeping that cleared off? If that’s something that she could keep up with in her manic state? I just need to keep in the habit of simplifying what I need to have with me up here and keep the rest in my bin. I gave Leah my extra sheet and towel, so she has a pillow, my pillow is less nice now, but it works if I put my blues underneath my towel.

Today has been such a strange day— it feels so long since I talked with Shannon and got to see Mc and Tiko this morning. That feels like days away and not just this morning. Almost shift change time, I’ll get out to check my messages and then come back in for an evening practice. Hopefully Leah will go out and I’ll have the cell to myself for a bit. It’s hard to settle with her just staring at me— maybe I’ll get used to it with time.

I got all the letters I’ve written sent out tonight, now fingers crossed they all actually make it to the mail cart and the legal-size envelope with my writing and art makes it safely to Shannon.

Leah’s having an active psychosis episode tonight, rocking, whispering, shouting, “hitting” people that aren’t there, pacing… maybe being up on the top bunk will be a good barrier for me when she’s in a space like this. Sharing such a small space with anyone is hard, but this… I wish she was getting the help she so obviously needs.

I’m sending my copy of “We’re All Doing Time” downstairs for Brea to borrow; it’s rather ridiculous the steps we go through to be able to share books with each other. I asked Jess if she could take the book down when she goes for evening meds and put it into one of the empty slots on the tablet charger. Brea would be able to grab it when they are let out for meds after upstairs. Like it’s a book, why can’t I just hand it to her? Also, why can’t I just get the books that have been bought and sent to me? Seems unnecessarily ridiculous and simply a power play— which is why some deputies follow that rule and others don’t.

Okay, I need a “re-boot”— a hard reset; what will it look like for me to find my calm center once more in these conditions?

• need to ask Leah about keeping the desk clean

• add a shower to morning flow

• stop eating junk food at night

• after shower wash floor to prepare the space for practice

• go back to spending PM walkabout in the cell

• evening yoga session

• remember that it matters; that my time here goes more smoothly when I care and tend to myself

• make art

• prep questions and quotes for Deep Work the night before

So, what does that look like for tonight, for this moment?

When razors come around, take a shower and get cleaned up, then have a meditation practice before laying down to sleep. Begin tomorrow with a cleansed mind and body— it seems ridiculous to shower again in the morning when it’s only five hours later but I need to remember what I learned in yoga class; during the night while we are sleeping we are processing through things and showering, cleansing ourselves in the morning is a part of washing away anything that was brought up.

I keep thinking of Marc today, it was his heart surgery earlier today. I really wish I could reach out to someone tonight and check to see how it went, if he’s okay. I’ll see MC in the morning and he will tell me then, just need to focus on sending positive thoughts and love for now. I wish I could be there to be a part of his support system. I hate being here.

When I see MC tomorrow, I’ll also ask if he could send along a mantra or meditation script to work with. There are so many things I could be working on and I’m reflecting on how different that is to Leah’s experience as she can’t focus her mind on anything for long. I gave her a notebook and some Sudoku puzzles and pens, Ange gave her some word searches, and Jess loaned her a book but she just sits holding them for hours— her mind gone to an entirely different place. It’s almost painful to watch her when she does try to concentrate and focus on a task like that. To be kept in a cell like this with only your own mind for companionship— and that a manic place at that— torturous.

One more hour until razors and then lights out. Journaling all this out tonight has helped me settle and get my mind “right” again.

Ange wanted to talk to me tonight and update me on how she spent her day. At one point she said, “everything is God, no matter what language is used. I’m a spiritual person, not a religious one.” Which is a full-scale flip from the Bible-thumping zealot she’s been since I got here— but the gentleness was a welcome change.

If I must live, let it not be in vain.

May I be of service.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 17, 2023

I wrote so much yesterday that my hand is still sore, which is a good problem to have— rather that than the ache from not moving my body at all for too long. I didn’t prep a quote and question for deep work this morning, so I’ll do that while I wait for Leah to settle back in from breakfast. She leaves her stuff all over the desk and cell which is hard because I usually would sit there and study— she’s my first bunkie (well since my first one) that I’ve had where each of us don’t just keep the desk cleared off to sit, eat, or work at. We’ll figure it out, another learning curve for me.

Shannon has signed up for visit again today and I’m glad that I’ll get to spend some time with her and have a chance to have a conversation with someone. I need to remember to bring my notebook out with me and get her address!! I finished up a letter to her and have sealed the first envelope so that’s all set to go once I have that. I can send that and the letter to Monny as well tomorrow. The thought just popped into my mind that they may refuse to send the legal envelope for some reason, but I’ll try and see what happens. I also have a letter to Julie almost finished and need her new address as well. Karla sent a card letting me know she’s coming back to Michigan soon and her address here, so I will be able to send her a letter soon too.

It’s interesting to note how different my energy feels being in a cell with someone in a manic episode, even when she’s laying down “resting” her energy is still really wound up. So even in the quiet the ripples are activating. She says she’s exhausted and I can only imagine how deeply that exhaustion goes in her body, as even mine feels the wear of it and I am outside the experience.

I’m still struggling to sit still for meditation practice for any length of time beyond a few minutes. It’s good to know there will always be an area to work on and work to do.

I keep thinking that today is Monday but it is only Sunday. I’m going to work to have today be a day of rest, as much as I can. I’ll go out for meals and for my visit with Shannon but then just come back in and have quiet time. Read, sleep, write, do art. Do some yoga later with Leah, maybe that will help her rest too.

Deep Work

Having this different definition of the purpose of self-care, does it change how I view the practices and what their purpose is? If so, how?

(left room to answer these questions, but the pages remain blank)

Surya Namaskar Count: 20

This thinking was brought on by talking with Shannon today and the stress of money and being reminded after that conversation that I haven’t thought in awhile about how I’ll support myself financially, but I need to and I want to try and get clear about how much I’ll need to live a good life. I start to get overwhelmed at thinking about making that much money, but I need to breathe deep and trust that I can and will find a way. And honestly, seeing the facilitator in their roles now, I know I can be as good as they are in a role like that— I don’t need to be perfect or Brene Brown— in order to be compensated well for my services.

Be nourished by shraddha, serve my community, let the rest go.

Well now that Ange is back on the unit, it’s sermons and praise music being blared all day long— deep breaths. I don’t know how she takes the constant noise, if it’s this loud two cells down, how loud is it in her cell??? It’s hard to imagine that that promotes inner peace at all— but, I’m remembering it’s not my role to judge, so I’ll simply hope that it does give/bring her peace and just stay in my own (silent) lane, doing my own time.

It’s just about time for my visit with my Shannon and I’m getting really excited to see her.

I wonder if she forgot about our visit today or is maybe getting some rest? I hope she’s not sick, Covid is going around again, and half her class was out this week which wasn’t good. I think I’m getting better at patience since being here or just being okay with long periods of time with nothing to do because waiting isn’t as hard and the time seems to pass quickly. Somehow, I’ve been out here ten minutes already, but it doesn’t feel like it.

I got new pens last night and I’m looking forward to drawing with a fresh pen later. My piece last night turned out alright but choppier than I would have liked as I had to go over each section multiple times. Leah also complimented the piece I was making but she also said that she could never do it— she did end up trying though with me. I wish people weren’t automatically so down on themselves about everything. That it simply takes practice and the benefit of making the piece is in the process of creation— the product at the end is simply a bonus if it turns out “pretty.” Which reminds me to look in the mirror when I say that and pick up the pen again to start drawing my space some more— I’ve thought of it a few times now and not gotten my paper out to try again after last time. I think this will be a good activity for today while trying to spend a “resting” day in the cell.

Leah got buzzed for medical this morning but was sleeping and told them she didn’t want to go but then at lunch she was telling everyone that she’s waiting for medical to call her down to get her on detox meds… I wish she had gone and one could hope to have a fuller workup done for her physical health but also mental health. I am trying to remember compassion and understanding— that my time with her won’t be that of equals as far as conversation, dialogue, or support and that’s okay. She’s my equal as a being and a good teacher for me in many ways if I stay open and let the lessons happen or be ready to participate in them as they arise. She was able to get some rest earlier this morning and I’m glad for that, not nearly enough to be what she needs but better than nothing.

I don’t think Shannon will make our visit today but she is signed up for tomorrow too.

I’ve been thinking about sending a kite to the education deputy asking if we can borrow the yoga mats over the holiday week coming up to be able to have yoga classes here on the unit. If we have class on Wednesday, I’ll ask the yoga teacher if she would be okay with that before I send the request. It will probably be a no, but nothing ventured, nothing gained as the saying goes.

I’ll try and call Julie while I have few minutes out before everyone else it let out for walkabout time. M is in the bubble and he turned the phone on for me. The last call I had with Julie was really hard, she was sharing some really heavy things about what’s going on in her life right now and things were so loud and chaotic here that the phone shut off for having “multiple parties on the line.” Ugh… I feel like such a shitty friend right now who isn’t there for my friends.

They’ve dropped the temps again to help keep germ spread down as Covid cases and the flu spread around the jail. I’m grateful friends sent long johns and extra socks for me.

Dinner was less than enjoyable tonight, mainly because Ange isn’t talking to anyone else now (or they aren’t talking to her— who knows) and she wanted to talk to me about religion— mainly how the Bible is the only truth. When I shared I studied Buddhist and Hindu texts for spiritual strength, she got upset and just kept at me that the Bible is the one and only truth and those other books are “devil worship.” I tried to breathe deep into my belly and just eat my food. And now she’s blaring the praise music even louder to chase out the demons, just because I said I read other texts.

And now she’s screaming at the deputies and her daughter on the phone. As she preached to me at dinner about the “one God and following his teachings in the Bible”, it was hard to not stand up and scream “hypocrite!!” I’ll take my spirituality over that any day of the week— deep breaths, practicing non-judgment. Releasing and letting go. Boy this one feels sticky.

It’s only 4pm— or almost 5pm— now, but I’m ready for the day to be done. Between missing Shannon and Julie today, Ange’s rants at me, and Leah’s agitation all day, I just feel drained.

Remembering practice isn’t about feeling better, it’s about increasing my capacity to manage stress. Going to get down for a yoga practice and some art.

Then try again tomorrow, after some sleep hopefully.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 16, 2023

Deep Work

Hmm what do I practice…

At first flush I want to say the principles of yoga, but I’m sitting here trying to reflect honestly and ask myself if I am truly practicing them or if they are still ideals that I am simply aspiring to. I think it’s a bit of both, honestly. I am on the continuum, and certainly much further along than I was last year, but neither do I think I’m fully there. I still struggle in personal relationships, giving in to temptations, overindulging at times— unkind thoughts of myself and others.

Sometimes, too often, I can sink back into judgmental thinking and speech— and after a lot of years of practicing that way of being I’m really good at it. So unremembering/unlearning that way of being and choosing to practice the path of peace is what I want to continue to learn and practice. Being here in this environment is definitely challenging me. I can’t remember the quote from “We’re All Doing Time” now but he said something along the lines of prison/jail being a place where we could work through a lifetime of built-up karma if we applied ourselves diligently to the practices. Like being thrown into the fire and letting it burn all the impurities away. So many opportunities for practice here.

So what is it truly that I want to practice, to become good at?

Peace, non-judgment, and loving-kindness.

What would it look like for me to practice these qualities?

Starting and ending my day intentionally goes a long way to supporting me in this: yoga practice, breathwork, study of spiritual teachings, journaling, and chanting.

Practice giving love to every person I encounter (silently within me), work to see them with gentle eyes and a loving soul. Process and release the “junk” that comes up in me through writing and talking with safe people to process with.

And begin again when I falter.

Surya Namaskar Count: 20

Well I’m all moved. Got the call over the intercom to move down to cell 7 and then a few minutes after I got moved, Ange returned from max and was put in my old cell. I’m in with a new bunkie, her name is Leah, she seems nice and is quiet like me and keeps to herself. So I feel very lucky in the bunkie draw— I mean I’ll still have to get to know her more but it’s a good start so far. And she volunteered to take the top bunk which is nice and will mean that when I’m doing my yoga practice I won’t be in her face— Crys and Monny didn’t mind as they were deep sleepers but it’s still a nice buffer to have.

Ange has been back 20 minutes and already fights are going down over the tablets. I’m glad to have stayed out, and continue to stay out, of all of that drama.

Had an interesting conversation with Jess tonight where she shared that she’s been upset with me because she’s seen how I’ve supported women with personal care items, etc. when they’ve arrived and she feels like I wasn’t as generous or as supportive of her when she arrived. She said that nobody helped her at all or gave her anything when she arrived. That might be true, Shelley might not have sent money yet for me to have extra things to hand out like that and I’m not sure if the other women had things to share with her when she got here. But now I’m the last of the original women that were here when she arrived, so her wrath has been focused on me— the context helps to let it go. To know that I did what I could, and continue to, and to let go of the times when I couldn’t provide support and the knowledge that it’s not up to me to provide for everyone always. And I can apologize if I need to for not being able to help her and share that at that time, I didn’t have extras to give out. But I’m not sure an explanation is really needed— we will see. I feel it’s easier to let go of her anger now, so that’s enough for tonight.

And now to get used to going to the bathroom with someone in the cell again with me… oh the joys of jail.

When one has endless time on your hands, what does one make of it? The answer to the questions says a lot about who you are.

Well on some level it’s nice to know that things haven’t changed between Ange and Jess— already this morning they are getting into it over the tablets and each on the intercoms in their cells trying to “tattle-tell” on each other to the deputy on duty in the bubble. Deep breaths— continue to stay out of it. At times it feels like being in a class of kindergarteners (large ones) with intense anger issues and no impulse control. They want what they want and they want it now— and if they don’t get it everyone is going to suffer. Deep breaths— I’m already beginning to dread lunch with them. Peace, peace, peace.

Even though last night was hard to sleep I still was looking forward to my morning practice and that’s a shift from last week where I was dreading waking up early after a rough night. That felt really good, to want to practice again. I know there will come times again when I’m dreading the morning practice but having made it through a slump without giving up, I feel more confident in my ability to be consistent in the future.

My heels are almost touching my butt in child’s pose! That’s an exciting mark of improved flexibility from consistent practice :-)

Wow, it really threw me off today when one of the newer deputies came around “backwards” and did wristband checks on our cell block first instead of last. I’ve gotten into a groove and adjusted to things going a certain way and it’s interesting to see how off kilter that small change made me. I mostly got anxious again about missing my visit with MC at 8 a.m. since my new rhythm is to just tell them at wristband check and since we’re the last cell block it’s almost 8 a.m. by that point and they would just leave my cell door propped open to let me out for the visit. But since she came around at 7:15 a.m. that wasn’t going to work, especially now that I have a bunkie again— deep breaths all will be well. Simply interesting to note what a creature of habit I am.

I also don’t know if my new bunkie takes morning meds and feel bad trying to wake her up since she just got to sleep a bit ago if she doesn’t but I’m reminding myself that if I wasn’t here she’d have to wake up to respond to the buzzer call anyway.

Full spectrum morning emotionally already— sometimes it’s hard to believe that at this point of the morning I’ve been up for almost three hours already. It does go by quickly, although at times in the middle of it, it feels like the time is dragging.

So Emma and Jess decided to play really loud rap music right by me while I was on my visit with MC and it just felt intentionally rude and I’m trying to not let it irk me but… ugh. Trying not to jump to conclusions since it was Jess who was the playing the music and can feel myself attaching to thoughts that feed my dislike of her. But I don’t know what’s true and I don’t need to attach to any certain story or thought. Remember what it is that I want to practice: peace, non-judgment, loving-kindness.

Breathe and release. Let it go. Begin again.

Lesson learned today— Monny was right when she told me not to put my seasoning packet in my pocket to take to meals… I forgot I put it in there (as she said I would) and when I got back to my cell I took my top off and it poured all out everywhere and whatever material these blues (uniforms) are made out of the powder just stuck like glue all over it. We won’t get new uniforms until Monday so I guess until then I just get to smell like ramen spicy seasoning. I should tell Monny about this in my next letter to her, she’ll get a laugh out of it I’m sure lol

Today went much different than expected. With Ange back, Jess seems to have transferred her ire with me to her and we are now “okay”? She gave me a piece of candy, I gave her a hot cocoa mix packet, and now things are even keel between us— for the moment. There’s been a lot of tension and fighting between them all day over the tablets and that added to the already underlying tension that just exists here— a powder keg that’s always just there, waiting to get sparked off. The relative peace when I first got here was an abnormal experience and I’m grateful that I got a chance to have that when I first got here and learning the ropes.

Leah is nice and it turns out that she has significant mental health issues along with detoxing off some really heavy-duty drugs. She is quiet and keeps to herself mostly but conversations can be difficult to navigate with her as her mind just goes off on tangents and then she’ll suddenly stop talking and stare at me or off into space. Like she’s gone to another world entirely. She asked to borrow a book and some Sudoku puzzles but seems to have a hard time concentrating and will just sit there staring, holding them. She asked about doing yoga together with me, so we shall see how that goes. I feel grateful to have gotten placed with another bunkie who is respectful of my space to do yoga.

Leah shared that she’s homeless and has been living on the streets for several years. Today is her daughter’s 21st birthday but she doesn’t know how to contact her. She is her oldest and she has four other children as well. I didn’t pry further but it sounds like it’s been some time since she’s seen any of them at all and my heart just breaks for all of them.

I almost bust out laughing when Jess walked by all grumpy, complaining how loud Ange is— like of all the people to complain about someone being loud that’s hilarious.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 15, 2023

Deep Work

This quote spoke to me last night after the restorative justice class where the women were attacking another woman, who wasn’t there, and it continues to be a struggle for me to witness us turn against each other here with such hate and judgment. And then later on my lesson from Course of Miracles today was about how we have no neutral thoughts and our thoughts help create our environment.

I continue to struggle to see/hold compassion for all. Is it possible to say that something is not okay and there needs to be accountability, but still remain engaged from a place of compassion with the individual?

The facilitator also brought up the guards in class yesterday and asked if the women could see how they are impacted by working in this environment and that was a hard line for many of them that they are currently unwilling to cross. There has been such abuse by individuals in uniforms in their lifetimes, often since a very young age, that it seems impossible for them to see the guards as human beings any longer. Which from the larger perspective is exactly the point the facilitator was trying to get across— anyone who is part of the system, in any capacity, becomes dehumanized.

To have a front row seat to witness individuals holding incredible amount of pain turn to hate in order to avoid it is eye-opening and heart breaking every day. I’m reminded often of the quote Julie shared with me a few weeks ago:

What does that look like in jail? Where we are surrounded not only by our deep pain but the deep pain of others constantly. Where new pain is experienced every day. Many turn to hate, to gossiping and cattiness, to fighting. They get it out by giving it to others, not realizing they are wounding themselves all over again in the process.

Where there are no art supplies, little chance for movement or dance, no access to nature— what does one do??

Writing, humming, chanting, yoga have become staples for me but there’s many days where they don’t feel like nearly enough. The pain I’m accumulating far exceeds my ability to let it go on many days, but trying is the best I can do. Not devolving to hate. Not giving the pain that lives within me to those around me.

Perhaps for now that’s enough.

To not give hate. To simply feel the pain. Trusting that with time I will learn the ways to let it go from my body.

Begin again and again and again….

Daily Journal:

New day, new beginning.

I need to take responsibility that just laying down to read at night, and not doing any yoga or meditation, is not helping me get to sleep— another rough night. I have a terrible crick in my neck this morning from sleeping awkwardly last night on it. God, what I’d do for a pillow. It must be Norris or Christmas in the bubble this morning and they came over the speaker and asked politely if I’d be coming down for breakfast. What a different start to the day that is then getting the door buzzed constantly and being yelled at over the intercom. I don’t think many of them even know that they come across yelling on the speaker system (some of them for sure do)— it seems like they are just too close to their microphone or don’t know how loud they are. It is just a rough and jarring way to start the day, even if they don’t mean it to be.

Last night before lights out, Norris came around and searched our cells. When he was going through my box and pulled out my extra towel that Monny left with me, I was certain he was going to take it but then he put it back! Which I was really happy— and surprised— about. I have an extra t-shirt and blues uniform that I can use for a pillow but it’s not as soft as the towels are for sleeping on. But, putting my “pillow” away for the morning so I’m not tempted to lay back down and so it’s away away for next shift change— just in case someone does see it and comes back to take it.

I’m enjoying reading “My Grandmother’s Hands” and feeling frustrated how many exercises ask you to find quiet, peaceful spaces where you can be alone without interruption for them. Which makes sense of course, to be undisturbed when doing this work, but feels impossible to find here— I can still do the practices as best as I can with the resources I have. Don’t be all or nothing about this. Begin.

My heart is doing a bit better this morning, the rest I got last night was good for it. After my morning practice, I’ll rest some more and just try to have as quiet a day as I can.

As Jess walked past my cell she screamed, “Bitch!!” and beat on the door. I’m reminded that it doesn’t really matter what I do or say, others may just take a disliking to me or see me as a target for their anger, and I need to let that be okay. Like why does my staying in my cell and writing bother her? Who knows, and really it might be anything and nothing to do with that. Deep breaths— and sending soothing energy to her and to the parts of myself that want to be liked by everyone and struggle with anyone being upset with me. Remember who I am, where I am going, and how I want to get there— in peace, with peace, and of peace.

Surya Namaskar Count: 20

I wish I could ask Pema how she would navigate living here— is my removal into myself and my own space the wrong thing to do? Is that not the loving way to be? Would she be spending more time out there with the other women? What would Pema do?

A very distracted and busy mind this morning— jumping all over the place from memories of Liam riding his bike to letters to Karen, to the social dynamic here, to trying to focus on studying the Course in Miracles, to questions of “who the fuck do I think I am??” to think that way about myself (as a presence and manifestation of God’s kingdom and love) to trying to just be here now. One more hour of practice to go and six more pages in the reading for today.

My mind has started going down the thought loop of bringing the Prison Ashram Project here to the jail and going way into the future and becoming stuck on the question of: do I see myself continuing to be involved here at the jail after I leave? Reminding myself that I don’t have to have the answer to that question right now— all I have to do in the present moment is simply begin.

Continue my personal practices and write the letter of inquiry, better yet see if someone from home can look up their website and see if it has any information about bringing the project to a county jail. That way when I write the letter, I’m not just shooting words into the dark but can be more specific with my request and information seeking. Begin here— let the rest unfold as it will.

Made it to shift change— mornings really are my favorite time here even when it starts off rough. I think after my visit with MC this morning I will organize my bin and lay down for a rest. My heart is still feeling okay, but I can feel it beginning to get tired already so going to try and rest as much as I can today, so it doesn’t get as bad as yesterday, hopefully.

The visit with MC was good medicine this morning, really helped re-center me and connect me to the greater picture of my life and this experience.

I’m tired of being disliked— I wish I had thicker skin so the attitudes and comments from others didn’t bother me as much. But tonight they do. I’m sitting here crying just missing my friends so damn much, wanting to be back in an environment where I am loved and appreciated and people are just kind. I wish I could cry in peace without being constantly observed by deputies and the other women.

I made it through the day. I am done.

I’m studying the Course of Miracles for a bit, then yoga and shower. It should be close to shift change by then and after inspections I can just lay down for the night. I’ll get to see MC in the morning again and S scheduled a visit for her lunch break. I know everyone is doing as much as they can from home to spend time with me and support me. I just need to hold on until then.

I know I shouldn’t let Jess get under my skin like this, I know she’s a teacher for me but still at this moment I am simply tired of the lesson and would take a break if I could. I wish I had a new novel to read; I’ll begin Clariel (third read) again to have something to keep me company.

This is the version of me that carries their souls.

Emma asked this afternoon if I played chess, I guess there is a set you can buy off the commissary. I think tomorrow I will ask if she’s still interested and we can go halfsies on it if she’s open to playing in the afternoons. During that time, she and I have connected, when Jess has been sleeping, and had some good chats and that was nice, I wouldn’t be opposed to getting to know her better and spending time together. Nights are just too much for me with Jess’ energy. So we’ll see— maybe I’ll take up playing chess again. I haven’t really played since chess club in middle school. Maybe I’ll grow thicker skin/more compassionate heart and find being around Jess not so challenging too.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 14, 2023

Deep Work

In what ways am I stuck in “all-or-nothing” thinking, and what is one step I can take towards healing today?

In many ways, even after all this time, it is still easier at times to find examples of the ways I am not in all-or-nothing thinking than to list all the ways in which I am. Even this morning in my yoga practice I had judgmental thoughts that I wasn’t doing enough or doing it right enough to be a “real yogi”— as if that’s a binary experience where you either are or are not. I’m so fixated on being a “good” human being, and therefore worthy of love and acceptance, that I judge and critique every aspect of myself— accepting only “perfection” as good enough, seeking to hide away or pretend that the less than perfect things didn’t happen as I feel so ashamed of them.

Deep breaths.

That makes me sad to write all that after working so hard in therapy for so many years but even that is a binary judgement of myself— because I know I have improved and I’ve taken steps to learn a kinder way. I am on the continuum somewhere and that is okay.

One step I can take today toward resolving my pattern/habit of binary thinking is this, what I’m doing right now. Reading, journaling, reflecting. Continuing to show up and look in the mirror— being engaged with my mind from an increasingly compassionate lense. To continue to learn to laugh at myself (kindly) and say, “Oh, there’s all-or-nothing Claire again,” and let it go.

I drew my first rendering of this space yesterday and the proportions were all off on the bottom part of it. I wanted to throw it away because it wasn’t right. I made myself keep it because down the road I will be able to look back and see how I improved if I don’t get rid of it. And that is one way that I know that I’m on the continuum— I didn’t even contemplate giving up after the first “failure.”

My learning to be more comfortable in this messy, uncertain, and imperfect place is essential to me being a positive presence in the necessary changes of racial justice, equal housing, environmental causes, prison abolition, etc. That work is the work of a lifetime, and I’ve inherited a few lifetimes of this work from my ancestors— I need to become more comfortable getting things wrong and continuing to show up and learn through my errors how to correct my wrongs when I can and the wrongs perpetuated by my ancestors.

To recognize the power in these small decisions, they are building a new brain for me. Step-by-step, moving along the continuum, knowing I may never reach total health for myself or the world, but the satisfaction of knowing I dedicated my life’s energy to trying.

Begin again and again and again and again…

Daily Journal:

Ugh rough night— it felt impossible to get to sleep and tune out Jess and Emma last night. I fell asleep from 6-7:30am’ish and even though that was my only rest all day it still seemed to throw me way off. It was commissary night too and a bunch of snacks that S sent for me came and I ate a bunch of them— which obviously didn’t help.

Beginning the day unsettled and shaky— sitting on my bunk to write and hiding away from the bright fluorescents and the judgmental talk happening out at breakfast. I really don’t want to do a practice today. Deep breaths, just do the practice and then I can lay back down to rest until lunch. I don’t need to worry about being called out for anything— I think.

I know eating junk isn’t healthy and doesn’t help put me in good energy for the next morning but there’s times I just feel shot and done with everything and the sugar/salt of the treats just sounds so good when I’m trapped in here and can’t escape. I wanted out so badly last night— to be able to go for a walk, to put my hands in the dirt in the garden, to do art with paints, to cozy up in a soft and quiet bed afterwards. I’ll never understand why some of the women purposely slam their cell doors so hard it shakes the whole building—

My knee feels better this morning, so I’ll still do my exercises but just the gentlest forms and take it easy and slow to keep an eye on it. I think it also might have been trying to bend it into full lotus for meditation that did it, so I won’t keep trying to force that.

There are times I wish people would send books off of the wish list I made because there are books on there that would be helpful for my meditation and yoga practices, and a few that I need to read and write book reports for YTT. But these ones are beautiful and I need to remind myself that I can learn a lot by going deeper with the practices I currently have.

After I eat through this round of snacks, I’m going to try not to order them anymore for a bit, or maybe just once a month or so and have them as treat and not an everyday thing. I know if they are in my bin I will eat them— I’m so chronically stressed here I know I’ll reach for a treat if they are handy. But I know they don’t help me handle the stress better in the long-term and want to learn to be present without reaching for an escape. Slowly.

Okay everyone is in and lights are dimmed again, time to get on the blanket and begin a new day. God, my heart feels physically tired and weary.

Am I done with this life yet?

Surya Namaskar Count: 20

Studying the Course of Miracles and feeling this pull to the spiritual realm, I wonder if my path is to become a reverend, a minister, a Buddhist priest? Something along those lines— is this pull simply a personal path or a call to service? I wonder what the path of becoming a Unity minister looks like. No action is needed. Simply an opening and hoping to receive a message in the future if this is the path for me and my time here on earth now. “Ministry” can also happen in so many ways beyond becoming an ordained minister as well— stay open and willing to hear what messages may come through.

I find myself feeling frustrated today that my heels don’t touch the ground in downward facing dog still— I feel driven by this story that after all this practice over all these years, I should be seeing more results in my flexibility, that I should be closer to the “perfect yogi body,” but then I remind myself that there is no perfect yogi body— all bodies are the perfect body for yoga. The purpose is the practice, not how my body looks or the flexibility I have, or don’t have, or how quickly or slowly I see changes in my body. The practice simply is. Begin again.

I continue to wrestle with spirituality— the seemingly visceral belief that I deserve to be punished not loved— that I am broken, flawed and the world is better without me arise so strongly the closer I come to believing and seeing myself as a spiritual being of light worthy of love. Hold steady.

*Note to self: I’d like to read Fred Rogers memoir as he talks about this struggle and how he held steady and lived out his ministry even though the demons in his mind never went anywhere.

It is true that hurt people, hurt people. It is also true that hurt people, heal people when they make a decision and commitment that no one else will be alone in feeling this pain that they have lived. They become fierce warriors of love instead of destruction.

I do not honor my sons well by not participating in life. My participation in life is by no means a sign of a lack of love— that does not need to be my story.

I made it! Three hours of practice. I will meditate and chant later— laying down now. Proud of myself for sticking with it.

And now Day 2.0 is off to the races. The new girl knows Jess it turns out and they are getting along like aces— which means all the gossip and drama. I hate sitting in the middle of all of that at meals but that was the only seat left today. I have an hour until walk about time and then a visit with Shannon later. That will be a good emotional reset. I’ll try to call Julie later as well.

My heart is tired today. It just feels exhausted— my hands and feet are freezing since it’s not pumping blood to circulate well and my whole left side has gone numb again and shooting pains. I feel worn down and exhausted.

It was restorative justice today and while it’s a good experience and break from this world, it’s also really difficult to touch into my old world and then have to come back to my cell and the social dynamics here. It made my heart even worse— I buried myself under the blanket, held myself tight and hummed trying to soothe myself here. That helped a little. I have a visit with Shannon in a little while and then it will just be a little over an hour until shift change and then I can lay down for the night.

I haven’t done art in a little while, maybe that’s what I’ll get into to try and pass the time until my visit.

I decided to put what books I didn’t want out on the ledge in the common space— people seem uncomfortable asking me to borrow books, like they did with Monny, and right now I don’t have the energy to be going out and reaching out to others if I’m honest. I’m telling myself it’s okay to keep to myself and not having the books will help me to do that. I’ve kept the ones sent to me and no one has really seemed interested in reading those ones anyway so that works. The chaplain brought books today, but none for me. He did bring Bearing the Unbearable for Emma— I hope it’s a support for her as it was for me. If she doesn’t end up liking it, maybe she will give it to me as I’d really love to read it again. And again and again. Not only am I missing my connections to Liam and Miracle and my community, but also being able to deeply immerse myself in Dr. Jo’s work when I’m feeling lost and untethered from this world.

I’m sitting here waiting for Shannon to log on for our visit and one of the new women stopped by and asked if the books I put out were for anyone to read and I said yes. I think part of what has bugged me, irked me, for a while has been a lack of appreciation when I share the resources I have— and that’s my ego smarting but it also just feels different now. When I first arrived, we all (mostly) got along with each other and shared resources/helped get people signed up for things/etc and most everyone expressed gratitude for the support—now there’s a new wave of people and the energy is very different. I need take space and reflect on whether I can be okay with the more one-way support that’s happening now— at the moment when I feel so depleted I can feel it irking me more to be the “giver” so often. I need to remind myself that this is temporary, for me and for everyone else here. In a few months they will all be gone and I’m sure never think of me again, so it’s not worth me tying myself up in knots over whether these women like me or not, if I’m appreciated or not, if I “fit in” or not. Just continue to be me as best I can. And have compassion for us all— we’re all just trying to make it through the best we can.

I’m not sure if Shannon will be able to make our visit tonight after all— I know it’s been a struggle for her to make this time work leaving work and the call never seems to work well when people try from their phones, especially if they aren’t on Wi-Fi. I got messages out to Marc and Katherine today, tomorrow will try to respond to Elizabeth’s message and Rev Sharon’s too— or maybe I’ll just try to call. It’s hard to get a call into people who work traditional 9-5’s… our phone time makes it tricky. Ten minutes left in the visit— I don’t think I will get to see her tonight. All of the things she ordered for me off commissary came last night, including envelopes and stamps, so I’ll work on writing a letter to her instead. It’s so hard to know her, and Julie, especially, are struggling right now and I’m so disconnected here.

God the chest pain is getting sharp and more intense— I don’t know if I should try to get seen by medical— what will they do though if the hospital couldn’t do anything other than monitor me? I wish I could talk with friends or my therapist.

The only way I know to meet, to respond to, such a deep expression of pain is with overwhelming compassion that blankets all in the scenario— without judgement of one person being worthy or deserving and another not. Love for all.

As simple, and as arduous, as that.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 13, 2023

Deep Work

What do I feel a want for inside of me?

Love, compassion, softness, reverence.

These seem like such simple things to want and yet again and again I almost feel as if I’m going to war to achieve them in my life. But each time I experience a “set back,” the want within me doesn’t die out for these things but instead it only becomes stronger. Being here now, in jail, makes my desire for love, compassion, softness and reverence almost tangible— I’m able to call to memory the times that I have had experiences of those and its almost as if I can touch and taste them. The visceral desire that seems to live in my very bones lets me know that I’m on the right path if I continue to pursue them. Even here it is possible to create these experiences, if I am willing to stay open, go against the grain and put in the effort to see them. And if I cannot find them externally, being willing to be what it is I want to see in the world, even when it makes me weird, strange, etc. to those around me. I would rather be thought of as weird or strange for being loving and compassionate than to come to fit in and become an agent of hatred and hardness.

I’m grateful for my friends who reach out to visit me, send me messages, and books that help me stay connected to where I am heading and who I am, helping to give me energy to go against the grain every day. To live each day as its own, one day. Just take it one day at a time, letting each night when I lay my head down to rest be le petite mort, a small death. To die to what was that day, to let go, and not bring it with me into the new day. To spend the first few hours of the day “plugging myself in” to the energy current I want to align with.

LOVE, COMPASSION, SOFTNESS, REVERENCE

Exert my will to create my environment. Do not allow myself to become a product of the environment around me.

Begin again.

Come back to love.

Daily Journal:

First day of the new journal. I think the first journal was perhaps the first in my life that I actually filled completely— I have a whole stack of ones at home and over the years have collected a lot of very pretty ones but most only have the first bit filled out and used. So one thing to celebrate from my time here is being able to consistently groove in the habit of journaling— I hope that is one habit that will stick with me when I return home.

I really didn’t want to get up this morning. I debated staying in bed but now that I’m up and did my dinacharya practice I’m glad that I did. Feeling more energized after a short breath work exercise and looking forward to moving my body. I laid down early last night, so I’ve spent enough time resting on that hard mat. I also get to see MC this morning for the first time in a week and that’s something I’m really looking forward to, and I want to be awake and energized for that visit.

I am using the extra towel that Monny left behind as a meditation cushion today but it’s making me stressed that whoever is on duty will see it and take it away and then I won’t have it to use as a pillow. I may just put them away and use my blanket like I have been. Or maybe I just need to breathe through the anxiety and let it be. Nothing quite like my meditation practice being my practice as well.

Surya Namaskar Count: 25

I gave myself permission to stop torturing myself with the opinions and judgments of others and returned my attention and energy to the one role I was given— to love my children, Liam and Miracle.

I struggle with the thought that if I truly love Liam and Miracle, than the only correct decision is to choose to be with them— now. To end my life and the fact that I haven’t chosen to do that must mean that I don’t love them. That others are right and I’m just a monster, a horrible human being, nothing but a worthless piece of shit. I know this is false thinking and untrue, but there are days like today where it feels like it is true. I miss being able to talk with my therapist on days when these thoughts are sticking and I can’t shake the shadows they pull me into.

Ask MC today when I see him, if he can look through my yoga binders and choose a mantra to send me to give me something else to work with.

Is a monk who lives in a city, or a jail cell, and not on the mountaintop any less of a monk?

It’s not about following the dictates perfectly as laid out for the mountaintop, but living them as best as I can in the world that I find myself in.

It was so good to see MC and Tiko this morning. I really missed them. And then I got to see Shannon later and then the social worker from my case called me down for a visit while she was here seeing other people. Yoga was cancelled which I was sad about but today ended up being a full day of connections which was good for my spirits.

I dozed off for a while, woken by the noise of shift change. I’m feeling really cold and achy. I need to empty out my laundry bag and put that over the gap in the door and see if that helps with the draft a bit. It’s a half hour into the new shift and already people are getting into with whoever is in the bubble tonight. Definitely a night to stay in. When commissary comes later, I’ll get out to go get mine but otherwise it’s under the blanket with my book for me tonight.

It sounds like they moved someone in next door while I was asleep earlier, I wonder if they will stay past quarantine and become my new bunkie or are just a transient flow-through to minimum like all the others recently.

My left knee and the back of my quad are hurting like I overextended or pulled them, so I am going to rest from yoga tonight and maybe take things easy in the morning— maybe just ten or so of surya namaskar to stretch the aches out. The mornings will go by a lot slower without any type of movement— and more difficult to stay awake for my studies without the energy that movement gives me. Maybe this is an invitation to really lean into my seated meditation practice more (which I’ve been struggling with).

I began reading “My Grandmother’s Hands” by tonight, another one Shelley sent me. I’ll choose a quote for my deep work session tomorrow from chapter one. Now that I have that other journal completed, for this one I’m going to try to integrate all my work here in one place. I think that may help me keep track of things for when I am discharged and home. Maybe— we’ll see.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 12, 2023

Deep Work

What stories come up when I think of pursuing the dream of a grief house/urban community farm? What would it sound like to challenge them?

My energy levels— I often feel just exhausted and begin to yearn for a quiet, simple, monastic, invisible life. What I need to remind myself of is that this is a process, not an overnight creation or destination. That its okay to go slowly and gently as long as I am moving in the direction I want to be heading— towards the creation of a community grief house. Remember what Dr. Jo shared, that it was years for her to be with her own grief, then she went to school for ten years, then she began with one horse and one client. Selah was decades in the making and its so strong now because of the strong foundation it was built upon.

My education/training is another story— should I go to school to be a grief counselor, get my masters specializing in traumatic grief? Am I doing a harm or disservice to those I would work with if I don’t? Is that my role to play in, grief counselor? Or is it my role to partner with counselors and for me to focus my energy on the farm, creative outlets, yoga and meditation? Am I avoiding going back to school because I’ve failed before or is it just not the path for me? It’s hard to ignore how the stories of my family and upbringing are so entwined within this question.

Another story is about the financial/paperwork skills that I’ve struggled with in the past. This story also keeps me playing small in the hopes of keeping things simple— the more that’s added, the more complex it becomes and my fear of failure and the consequences grows. This again is a good time to remind myself that slow growth is good and to recognize that I have a lot of amazing mentors to lean on— ask.

Just ask. Again and again and again and again…

I am not alone. This may be my dream but it is supported by many and those who are capable of holding the long vision. The kind of visioning that may take decades to come to fruition but that every step of the way remains important— necessary and needn’t be rushed.

I am where I am. Begin where I am.

Trust the process.

Have faith in myself and my community.

I can learn. I will learn.

Bit by bit.

Begin again…

Daily Journal

Well turns out I slept through laundry, or they didn’t come for it last night but either way I got a full night’s sleep and that’s a real treat. I wish there was some way to tell them I was fasting from breakfast so to just leave the cell door locked and not go through the whole buzzing endlessly before they shout through the intercom for me to open the door, only for me to tell them that I’m not coming out for breakfast… every. single. morning. Depending on who’s on shift tonight, I may be able to tell someone who would remember and not go through this rigmarole tomorrow.

Tried to sit for meditation this morning and boy was that hard. Definitely need to work on that. Sitting still has always been a challenge for me. The goal is 20-30 minutes twice a day and go from there. Moving meditation like yoga, tai chi or walking has always been easier for me. But begin where I am and see how I improve, what changes over time with a consistent practice. Perhaps something to journal and reflect on today: why do I struggle to stay still and why do I want to cultivate this habit?

Surya Namaskar Count: 45

I need to ask for some addresses next time I can get some messages out so I can send more people letters.

I want to begin looking at my nighttime routine and incorporate elements of study and practice there as well. They really support my mornings and perhaps they can be a way of grounding and centering myself before trying to get some sleep.

I’m still feeling funky today— the morning practices are going better which I’m glad for, but the rest of the day becomes a drag and it’s hard to stay motivated on anything. Art is even becoming difficult— feels like moving through concrete when I’m doing it rather than an enjoyable way to spend time. I cleaned up my space a bit and washed the floors again, sorted somethings I can give away— I find it humorous that even in here clearing things out and having fewer possessions brings me ease and peace. I moved the second mat back up the top bunk so that there is space down here for me to sit for my meditation practice and have a spot to write a read that’s a bit more comfortable than the floor.

I’m going to take a break from reading “Coming Back to Life” by Joanna Macy, it reads more like a textbook than anything else and while that’s fine, much of the material feels inaccessible here where I’m so cut off from nature and community gatherings. I’ll keep it in the pile and return to it bit by bit, I know there is wisdom beneath the surface to be gleaned, but I’ll need to be more creative than I feel now to figure out how to utilize the exercises here in a bunker.

Rev Sharon sent Be Here Now by Ram Dass and I’m looking forward to reading that when it finally gets to me. I think there may be only three books left waiting for me that people have sent, so maybe I’ll be able to receive them before the next holiday when all non-essential staff leaves.

I think it may be helpful for me to create a more structured “curriculum” for myself for my deep work sessions in the afternoons/evenings. Still incorporating periods of rest but these times seem to be where I struggle the most with funky/depressed energy and I’m not able in the moment to think of something to do. Prepping questions for reflection for the mornings has been really helpful and I am writing a lot more consistently answering those, so maybe that will be helpful in other parts of the day. Maybe choosing an art prompt and pushing myself to start trying other types of drawing, not just the meditative art pieces. Mix it up a bit. My next book is “My Grandmother’s Hands” by — might be a good idea to make up a study plan for that for this next month.

After dinner I think I will wash the floors again and then I have a visit with Shannon! It will be good to see her again, I haven’t seen anyone from home since Friday and that’s been hard. I’m so grateful for how much everyone does make the time, and pays, to visit me while I’m here, they help keep me grounded. I need to remember to ask her for her address when we’re on the visit today, need to try and remember to bring my notepad out with me so I can write it down.

I started a letter to Monny and I feel like I had so much to say and tell her but then I sat down with the blank page and it all went away. I’ll have to try again later after my visit with Shannon. I hope she’s doing okay and settling in alright— people have been saying since I got here that it’s better conditions there at the prison and I hope that that’s true. Hopefully she’ll hear soon if she’ll be able to join the bootcamp program or not.

One of the differences between me and the other women is that I should wish to spend my time here doing something productive and useful versus just being entertained or biding my time until its over. Although a question to sit with for myself is, would it really be so wrong to simply rest? To not make study plans or yoga/habit tracking, setting goals, etc? Would that be okay? Rest continually shows up as a challenge area for me.

Well dinner was super gross today and that’s saying a lot by these standards. Grateful I have things to make a PB rollup. On the plus side with dinner being served so late today, it’s already almost time for my visit with Shannon. I think it might be Shaw in the bubble tonight so have my fingers crossed that it won’t be an issue to get let out for my visit. Hate this anxiety that comes up every time I have a visit scheduled— the unknown of whether or not I’ll be let out for it. Hmmm maybe not Shaw— may be the “new kid on the block” as the women have taken to calling him. (legit seems to be 18 years old) He’s polite over the intercom in the same way O’Neill is, maybe O’Neill trained him. Monny would laugh at how confused I still am, not knowing which deputy is which by their voice over the intercom yet.

The last page of my first journal here. These last pages feel as if they went super slow or maybe that was just my anticipation adding an element of hurry— still rushing to the finish line, even here where there’s nowhere to go. Still feel a driving need to have something “to show” for my time. But more than all of that, I think I’m simply proud of myself for showing up and writing something every day— even when it was complete drivel.

Ugh…this technology is so frustrating!! It froze on my visit with Shannon and then cut it off 15 minutes early— I was so looking forward to seeing her. Now I feel myself beginning to spiral, coming undone— deep breaths, it will be okay. I will try to call her tomorrow and will sit down to write her a letter to share the things I wanted to tell her tonight on our visit. Share how the dreams she’s helped me nurture, of the farm, gardens, community are keeping me going in here, helping me stay sane and grounded.

7 weeks down, 30 something to go. Crazy to think I’ve been here 7 weeks already.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 11, 2023

Deep Work

What are the obstacles currently in my path and how can I view them as threshold guardians versus stop signs?

At first encounter with this question, my initial response is my mind is my greatest obstacle. Its true that I’m in jail and spend most of my time locked in a 6’x 9’ cell but even in this environment there are actions I can take, steps I could follow that would bring me closer to my vision or prepare me to be the individual I need to be in order to bring that vision to light. And the only obstacle in my way of doing those things that I can here is my mind. There are days like today that I show up, feel inspired, and do the work and there are days, like yesterday where I barely got out of bed, saw no purpose in anything, felt no connection to anything, would have preferred to have died already, let alone vision for the future. And I can recognize that that is a phenomena not unique to me being in jail— that yo-yo’ing has been a presence in my life as far back as I can remember. I’ve always been able to dream big but have fallen short time and time again on the follow through when this heavy suicidal ideation and exhaustion arise again. I’ll read a book, take a course, go to a workshop and feel so inspired and clear, but soon that initial flush of motivation wears off and I lose momentum and connection— and soon after I stop showing up for it at all. This is something that I really want to change about myself.

Recognizing that the greatest obstacle is my own mind— the first step I need to make is to go deep with the practices to be able to condition my mind to stay focused and also sustain for the long run. Practices include yoga, meditation, breath work, chanting, daily studying, and writing.

Other obstacles like being in jail, finances, housing, relationships, etc. will sort themselves as needed or I will face them as they come with much greater equanimity and grace if I have a consistent practice training my mind.

This is ground zero to build a strong foundation.

Yesterday turned into a bit of a wash. I didn’t do anymore yoga; I did walk for an hour in the hallway but that was all the exercise I did all day. I slept quite a bit in the morning and afternoon. Today’s Monday so I’m going to try and get back into my “normal” routine. Today is the last day of my current routine tracker, so I’ll spend some time making another two-week iteration and rewrite my daily flow to be updated with the changes I’ve been making. I’ve been really slack the last few weeks, lost my mo-jo and inspiration around caring about all of these things. Need to try and get myself feeling reconnected to the deeper purpose of the practices beyond making me feel better in the moment.

Jess seems to be getting more and more upset that I don’t participate or engage in the drama around here and the angrier she gets the more I retreat into my cell. A self-fulfilling cycle. I’ve now started rarely coming out during walkabout time if I see she is out, which is adding a different layer to this experience to be in this cell by myself without a bunkie and also not spending time with anyone during the 4 hours we have out a day. She does sleep a lot during the day, so I get out during those times and check my messages and socialize a bit. It’s gotten quiet up here as it’s just her, Emma and I at the moment and it feels like the quiet is driving her a bit mad.

I got to thinking last night that she is a call to deeper practice for me— can I hold her in kindness? Can I look upon her with kind eyes? It’s easy to be kind with people that I like, those who are kind to me— the true practice comes in to play with people who rub me the wrong way, irritate me, hurt me, make decisions that I think are cruel and/or harmful. Can I put aside my judgements and treat her as I do others? To meet her with loving kindness and compassion? This will be my practice— as I wrote that she came up to my cell door beating on it screaming “I’ll fuckin’ cut you, you fuckin’ cunt!”

Deep breaths— it’s only 5 a.m,— the practice is real.

Okay, no slacking off today. Yoga practice, Course of Miracles, silent meditation, deep work. The intention is to be up until shift change in a few hours and have this foundation laid. After wrist band scans I can lay down until lunch. Will try to call people today since I haven’t been able to get a message out with the kiosk down.

Surya Namaskar Count: 30

In today’s Course of Miracle reading, it had this passage that jumped out to me as I’d just written about my struggles with Jess—

I really appreciate whoever is in the bubble tonight who saw that I wasn’t getting up to go out and didn’t buzz my cell door over and over again— it really is so loud, and it made the night a little less jarring to not having it going off all the time.

This morning was really pleasant; I had an almost three-hour practice and then a rest before lunch. I am full on hungry now, the fast is helping me get an appetite, and I’m hoping that it’s something somewhat appetizing and good portion sizes. So freaking annoying how when the food is actually somewhat decent, we get tiny portion sizes usually.

I feel in a gentler head space after my practice and studies this morning. This afternoon felt more difficult with several interactions with Jess and then class, but overall, I’m calling this a good day with time for deep practice, studies, and silence/stillness. Still a learning curve to being a “jail monk” and figuring out what it means to follow that path while maintaining relationships/interactions here where silence/stillness is such an aberration.

Tomorrow will be another day to practice.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 10, 2023

Deep Work

Seven Sentence Starters to Support Hope:

I love… Liam and Miracle and all children of the world.

I’d like to thank… Mc and Tiko for their radical acceptance and transformative friendship they have given me.

Looking into the future we are heading into, my concerns include… the depth of the pain and our ability to hold it and allow it to transform us for the better individually and collectively.

Facing these concerns, what inspires me is… people in my community doing the work and hearing the stories of individuals around the world transforming systems of harm to healing.

Looking at the future we’re heading into, what I deeply hope for is… a wider awakening to compassion and service to others and our planet by the greater collective.

A part I’d like to play in support of this is… creating a carefarm for the traumatically bereaved here in my community.

A step I’ll take towards this in the next week is… continuing to deepen my personal practice, learn from others, and practicing what I’m learning in my engagement with others here.

Surya Namaskar Count: 10

Very slow morning for me today. I got up at 5 a.m. and did ten surya namaskars and twenty minutes breathwork but then I laid down after reading two passages from Course of Miracles. Today is Sunday and there are no classes or visits scheduled so it’s okay to rest. I’ll do more movement this afternoon after lunch. I need to remind myself that I don’t always need to be busy. Having fasted from breakfast I am hungry now and the food trays are on site it smells like, although they haven’t buzzed us out.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 9, 2023

Deep Work

What am I committing to showing up for, even if I may not see results for a long time or possibly even in my lifetime?

Peace.

The other women are attacking another woman and holding steady on peace, the restorative process— believing that its possible. Showing up, practicing my values in the face of their vitriol and hatred. They are in a cycle of escalation with each other, and it feels like not only my peace is impossible to hang on to, but the hope that it would spread to others feels insurmountable. But it only feels insurmountable when the goal, or the hallmark of success, is the widespread change of the culture here. The unseen would be my inner peace and the belief that by learning to hold steady on it in this environment would plant seeds of peace in people and in places that I may never know. Deep breaths in, deep breaths out— releasing what isn’t mine and lofty goals, coming back to myself, my center, and what my work is in this moment.

How do I find my center of calm? What practices cultivate the seed of peace within me? What resources do I have access to, to draw upon to nurture and sustain me in this endeavor?

List 5 now: chanting, yoga, Mother Earth, friends (conversations, messages, energy), books and journaling (words)

Do not exhaust or hurt myself getting involved in every skirmish, particularly with those who are in violent episodes. Engage when I am steady within myself, nourish myself and my soul each day. My way doesn’t have to be everyone else’s way, and everyone else’s way does not need to be my way.

Peace.

Restoration.

Breathe.

Believe.

Align my thoughts, actions, and words towards peace.

That is all that’s in my power ever.

Namaste

Surya Namaskar Count: 30

Yesterday ended up being a pretty full day. I’m surprised that I didn’t sit down to write about any of it but then again maybe not surprised after all, it was a lot. Monny finally got the call and was picked up for transport the MDOC women’s prison. After a month of waiting, she was gone in less than ten minutes. It was so disorienting and it feels so empty/lonely without her here. There’s also the added element of worry/anxiety about who they will put with me next. Hoping beyond hope it’s not a super angry/violent/aggressive person.

Jess and Emma woke in a fighting mood today and got into with the women downstairs over the tablets at breakfast. So hard to start the day with that level of anger and aggression pulsing through the space.

I’m going to chant to begin my practice this morning and try to release/reset some of this. Write more later.

I am setting twenty surya namaskar as my new baseline for morning practice, I will always do at least that many going forward. More is awesome, but no less than that. Half with chanting the mantra, half with prostration. That seems to be a good amount, or the minimum, for me to really feel the effects in my body as well as in my mind and soul. That takes about one hour along with a study session of Course of Miracles.

I was talking with Emma yesterday and she shared she has ideas about starting a farm or something like that and when I mentioned my dream of an urban farm, she brought up something that I’ve heard again and again over the years: that it is not worth starting something in Lansing because it will just get destroyed, vandalized, trashed, etc. It’s true that that’s a real thing that happens and I’ve seen a lot of people give up on, or move somewhere else, projects and initiatives they were passionate about because of it. When she brought it up, I immediately thought, “I don’t want to give up on my idea” while it’s still a dream or when down the road things like that are likely to happen.

So what are the conversations I need to have, the support I need around me to lean on when things get hard? I’m grateful to be able to call to mind a whole list of people who would help me talk through and release feelings of disappointment, anger, resentment, frustration, and defeat that may come up in that experience. That they could help me come back to the center of my vision and mission and stay grounded within it through the ebbs and flows of life. Me myself feeling deeply connected to the project and mission would also be imperative to my success at continuing to show up and do the work in the face of setbacks.

It feels so close that I can almost feel it, taste it, luxuriate in it— Shraddha Community Farm: veggies, flowers, herbs, sourdough bread, art, community.

Phone, tablets, and kiosk are down. I won’t be able to get a commissary order put in, be able to join my visits or send out a message or call to anyone to let them know I can’t join the visit.

This is my truth. This is my path. I said yes to the yearning inside of me which said there must be more to life than this. I choose Love. I accepted the call to adventure and when I faltered, I recommitted knowing this was my only choice if I was going to continue to live.

If I forgive myself, does that mean that I am okay with what happened?

Apparently, I was tired today even though I slept last night. I napped twice today for good chunks both times. I had plans to get up at 3 p.m. to do some yoga before dinner but that didn’t happen. I ended up not eating much at dinner, so I feel like I’ll be fine to have my practice here in a bit. I saved the pasta from dinner to be able to eat later but I’m not sure I will after all— it wasn’t that appetizing. I have stuff for a PB roll-up so will just make one of those later.

Still no new bunkie yet. The woman next door is off of quarantine so maybe she will get moved over, or I may get moved over to her cell. If I do get moved over that will mean that I’ve now lived in every cell on the block— so that would be some sort of accomplishment? But apparently, she’s only here for a misdemeanor so will be getting moved to general population.

They haven’t brought us cleaning supplies in a while now so I’m going to just use my “cleaning rag” and a bar of hand soap to wash the floors and clean in here. I spend so much time on the floor with my yoga practice that I care more about it being clean than some of the other women it seems.

I miss Monny a whole lot, it feels weird without her here.

I would hesitate to say that the floors are clean now, but they are definitely cleaner than they were and my mind feels more settled for the soothing rhythm of the chore. My mind continues to come back to the question of whether or not I should try to advocate for myself to stay here on medium or get moved over to general population. The gamble is that I could get moved downstairs while on minimum classification but that’s not guaranteed.

The thing I worry most about is where will I do my yoga if I get moved over to general? I’ve been hearing how much more crowded, messy, gross the cells are over there. If I do end up staying here that means I will be here when Ange comes back from max and that will be a lot. If I’m still in a solo then I could also be bunked with her. Sigh— just keep reminding myself that all this mental looping serves no purpose, what will happen will happen, and I will be home in eight months and some change now. Perhaps the answer is to just let the jail experience be what it is and have the faith that I will create whatever it is that I need to survive wherever it is that I am sent or whomever I am bunked with.

No more saving the red pasta from meals, all I do is end up throwing it out and it stinks up the cell so bad. I have a few things to tide me over until lunch the next day if needed on those nights and fasting isn’t such a bad thing.

When you speak of matters of the soul and psyche, you become intertwined with someone in a way that isn’t possible when you only speak of surface level happenings. I am grieving Monny’s absence and that seems strange to others here who grew up in a culture where you didn’t form bonds on a deeper level. But that simply makes me sad that they never learned how to be in soul relationship with another, or that it was never safe for them to do so.

I wonder what is happening in the minds of those who seem to delight in the suffering of others?

I learned today that you can bust open a bendy-pen, pour the ink onto a glossy magazine page, and make a “marker” out of a folded-up piece of paper dipped into the ink. Ingenuity abounds in here.

I want to write more tonight but my hand is tired. Will try to remember what I want to write tomorrow morning. I’m going to try to streamline my workspaces and start having everything in one notebook rather than having some on loose papers. I suppose that means that I’ll need to start going to AA again since Monny isn’t here to grab me journals when she went. It would be okay for me to go to the group once a week— I’m dragging my feet over this but maybe it will be good to get some space from the anger that’s becoming so pervasive here now.

The sacred Truth that lies within each of us is not conditional to the environment we find ourselves within. It is here with us, in us, and of us— even here. Can we be still enough to feel it, touch it, be it? That’s the question to ask…

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 8, 2023

Deep Work

With this definition of weapons, what weapons are present in my life?

(Rest of page was left blank to answer but I never returned to answer it.)

Yesterday was another strange and funky feeling day and I was up really late even though I forced myself to stay up and not rest after dinner. Jones on day shift said the chaplain brought books over for me and he would give them to me in the afternoon, but then he never did. Night shift said they’d check and bring them to me if they saw them, but they never did either.

The kiosk froze during my visit with Shannon and then kicked us off. I went to Restorative Justice for the first time and the woman facilitating was my old boss’s boss at RSCMM. That brought up a lot of feelings— to be back in circle, the language of restorative justice, to be among colleagues again but now in a different, very different, capacity.

Overall, I’m just feeling depressed and struggling. I’m eating junk food, staying up late and not sleeping well, not doing my practices diligently. Just blah. I’m trying to be gentle with myself, to just show up and do a bit, it’s okay to rest. Could do better with the junk food, but all the rest I can be easy with myself on.

Just keep showing up.

Just keep trying.

Surya Namaskar Count: 10

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 7, 2023

Deep Work

How have I let frustration or lack of seen progress become a reason to stop or give up? And how can I lean into this experience as needed, even necessary, to growth?

This week has been hard. I’ve barely kept up with a piece of art each day and barely read or written much either. I’ve been extremely lethargic and feeling down. Doing the bare minimum and hardly that somedays. For a few weeks there I was really motivated to do long yoga practices, read, and create self-study material. Excited to do art and enjoying it. The days seemed to go smoother when I was engaging in these ways. Without new materials and books, my inspiration and energy has flagged and I’ve not been as excited to work each day. There is a lot of material, even just in Active Hope, that I can go deeper with, but the allure of new books and novelty of fresh ideas is easier to stay excited about then returning to the same thing I’ve read several times already and trying to go deeper.

I can look back on my life and see this pattern in my past as well. Jumping to new projects, new ideas, new relationships, new cities. A good dreamer and visionary but not a good track record of seeing those things through to completion.

So perhaps this time is an opportunity to practice. To meet the frustration, I feel within me with awareness and see it is as necessary. To not jump to something new, because I literally can’t at the moment, and learn to go deeper on fewer topics. To see this as a gift and learn what it will take for me to rekindle my energy and inspiration without beginning a new project, venture, book, etc.

Coming to understand that ebbs and flows in my energy are natural and not a sign to quit or start over or that something’s wrong— more an indication that I need rest and that’s okay. What would loving myself through the frustration look like? How would it sound?

Gentle, loving accountability. Staying focused on the larger picture and becoming clear on how this small step, activity, moment leads me closer to the accomplishment of that vision— or lays the groundwork for the vision to be birthed without me.

Staying committed through the ups and downs, the ebbs and flows that are natural and necessary part of anything important.

This is the work.

Begin again.

New day. Restless night’s sleep. Feeling a bit better though. Mornings are usually so much better for me. By the end of the day, I am exhausted and funky most days. No visit with MC this morning but both Shannon and Shelley have scheduled visits on their lunchbreaks today! Daydreaming about the grief house/community with Julie; me leading chanting/yoga classes and her leading art/creativity circles.

Not many people are up, everyone was up late drinking coffee after commissary last night. I was restless but think I was able to doze off around midnight.

A new girl came in last night and I had extra personal hygiene items to give her and I was able to pass those along this morning at breakfast. Jess was then bitching to Monny (at our cell door) afterwards that I never gave her anything. And while it’s true that I didn’t give her personal hygiene items, because at that time I didn’t have extras, I did give her envelopes, stamps, paper, pens, and menstrual pads.

Oh! I want to remember to tell Shelley about Clover Joy when I talk with her, maybe it can be a resting space for her when she’s up in Lansing and might need a space to decompress before the drive back. Possibly maybe one of the partners she may be looking to call on to spearhead some of the initiatives she’d like to see happen but can’t do all on her own— none of us can. Maybe that would be a helpful connection?

It’s interesting to see this theme of partnerships be a common thread in conversations with many friends, and within myself, at this time. So many causes pull at all of us, there’s so much pain in the world, but we burn ourselves out and can’t sustain the work when we are pulled in so many directions. I’m not sure yet where my main focus will reside— I feel pulled back to the earth and mother nature for sure, but also to community.

I think I have come to peace with and am embracing staying in the neighborhood co-housing— this idea of urban farming right in the center of the city is compelling. MC brought up Magnolia Farms that his compost business is going to start partnering with and they sound like they could be good mentors to learn from as they run on a sliding scale basis and have a strong social activism foundation as well.

Many dreams. I have to remember to not lose touch with them here. Keep writing. Keep visioning. It helps to have such strong connections with friends and community while I am here. Remembering this is my role to play for now and to do my best to play it well. On that note, time to get dressed and begin my yoga practice for the morning.

Surya Namaskar Count: 10

Very tired this morning. I’m going to rest after just ten surya namaskar and study session. Will work to do more frequent short sessions throughout the day.

Ended up not getting up, slept the whole morning. Still feeling funky, unmotivated, depressed, tired. Reminding myself that rest is good. My stomach is all topsy-turvy from whatever lunch was, so I’m going to read for a bit and see if it settles before trying to do some more yoga. Restorative Justice class is this afternoon, will be interested to see what it’s like.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 6, 2023

Deep Work

Reading the book We’re All Doing Time has been very inspiring this past week. The stories shared of other inmates creating personal ashrams in their cells has been so helpful in reframing how I look at the space that I’m in and the time that I am spending here. I have been more consistent with my chanting practice since picking up the book and I can feel the difference in my ability to be in the present moment and move through the day a little more gently. It still surprises me sometimes how quickly and deeply the chanting practice can soothe me. Especially the Om Hare Om chant, the more singing quality to the chant seems to hit differently.

I still rest in the knowledge and wisdom shared by Dr Jo, I think of her often and the space that she has created at Selah when I feel lost and disconnected. I still ask myself, “What would Dr Jo do?” to help ground and choose the next right thing to do or the direction I want to focus my energy into. Witnessing the depth of pain around me and within me.

Be in this environment but not of this environment.

Intention for my time here— don’t keep myself isolated, there is much I can learn and grow from by being in relationship with the women here but also don’t become a product of this toxic environment.

Engage, but remain true to myself and my values.

Know where I am going AND be fully engaged with the present moment.

New day. Officially one full month with this journal. Celebrating actually that I didn’t miss a single day of morning pages in some fashion, except for those first days when I was in observation without pen and paper. It was a good feeling yesterday to take my checklist and habit tracker into CATS session and reflect on how many days I’d been consistent with the habits to support my well-being.

I think I want to reach out to the CATS therapist and tell him I’d prefer to work on coping skills for this present moment and leave the past in the past while I am here. I’ll continue that work with my therapist when I get home, bringing all of that stuff up while here just adds to the emotional roller coaster that I’m already struggling to ride.

Ugh, I’m getting myself worked up about thinking about the chaplain and him not bringing any more of my books for almost two weeks now. I need to let it go— it’s outside my control. I brought it up with the CATS therapist yesterday and he’s going to see what he can do. Now I need to release it— the books will come if they come and there’s nothing more I can do now. (Already got told off by the chaplain to stop sending him messages asking about them.)

Emma has court today and my heart is hurting for her. I remember when I had court dates and I was in bed for days after. And I only went for as little time as I could manage and always had a friend or two with me. And I knew that afterwards I would return to a safe and loving home with a soft heating blanket and Nala, my friend’s dog, to curl up with. Emma will be collected at 5 a.m., transported to the courthouse and kept in a cell in the basement until her hearing, and then returned to the cell until the end of the day when the transport comes back here to the jail.

People are judging her for not emoting— I want to ask them, “How could she possibly in this environment and circumstances????” Since she absconded when she was let out for her son’s funeral, there’s no hope for a bond for her so she will be here until her trial. It’s possible she may never see the outside to be able to grieve for a very long time— years, if not decades possibly. It seems unlikely that there won’t be a prison sentence. So much pain and tragedy. Feel so helpless in the face of it all.

Surya Namaskar Count: 15

Jail ashram in a shared space— what does that look like? With one bunkie? With three? Don’t stay in all-or-nothing thinking that it can only be done where I’m at or in certain spaces— it is possible everywhere. I feel much more confident about this when I am well-resourced with sleep.

Is it possible to leave jail more mentally sharp than when you entered, the opposite of the normally accepted “jail brain” that happens?

Things happen in our world. They continue to happen. The garden I planted may get torn up this year while I am gone. Should I not have planted it? I am in jail now, should I not have done the work that I did this last year anticipating that I wouldn’t be there now to care for it? No, because the work I did was undertaken with love and that love holds true and steady no matter what happens to me or in the world. The events that happen outside of my control do not impact endeavors undertaken from a loving heart. The gardens will flourish again after the city is done repairing the roads and I will one day be free from this cell. The work is not waiting for me because the work is here, now, exactly wherever I find myself.

Another day almost over. 8 p.m. Monny is at Celebrate Recovery. I’m going to do a bit of yoga and then maybe a sudoku puzzle? Commissary is tonight but will probably be late since people are at group tonight. I’m feeling really sluggish and unmotivated. It’s easier to stay excited when I have fresh new books to dive into. I promised I wouldn’t complain about the chaplain today and I did less, but I still did. I do have things I can work on; I just need to get myself hyped again to go back to familiar material and go deeper into them. I could also spend the time writing more letters to people. Ugh, I’m getting myself worked up about the chaplain/book situation again— deep breaths— letting it go.

No yoga tonight. I feel so tired, my heart feels physically tired. Commissary may be here soon. I’m going to lay down to read. I’ll try again tomorrow.

So unsettled tonight. Cookup is cooking. Heart hurting. Sitting in my cell, the others are out. New girls are coming in, apparently they’ve been here before and have now been sentenced. I’m sure when Monny comes in I’ll hear all the details.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 5, 2023

Deep Work

I feel more connected to the dream/vision of a grief house here in Lansing than ever before, even though now at this moment I am more separated from the world than I ever was before. Or I should be clear, not a grief house per say but some form of grief support in the community; classes, groups, gardens? All of them in some form and perhaps someday a central gathering place but the beingness of it feels far more certain and close than the actualization of a physical structure.

Daring to believe and being in this environment where the need is so tangible and the resources so scarce or yet even more often not even thought of, is helping me stay connected to the deep need— not only what I feel in myself but so keenly see in others as well. There is a quote that says something like our purpose lies in the intersection of the world’s greatest need and our greatest gladness— that’s not it but I can’t quite remember how it goes. Perhaps it will come back me.

Surya Namaskar Count: 20

New day. New beginning. No PB sandwich at breakfast so I gave my tray away and will fast until lunch. I did have a brownie and half a cookup with Monny last night so it’s not the full 18 hours fasting, although junk food really doesn’t keep anyone satiated for long.

Monny was sharing about another woman feeling anxious about her upcoming trial and how she might not have anything to wear to court because she doesn’t have anyone on the outside to bring anything in so she’ll have to go in her jumpsuit. It’s not great to sit in front of a jury already wearing a jumpsuit. I wonder if there’s any way my network can help her get clothes for court. And how that would work for them to bring them here for her to have when she needs them? I know people would want to help with that if they could.

New day, no classes or groups for me today. Possibly CATS? We’ll see. I may send another kite to them and ask when we’ll be rescheduled since I haven’t heard anything and if I can get some more Sudoku puzzles sent down if it will be a while before the next session. I’ll try to remember how to play solitaire today as well, I didn’t make it through a single game last night! I kept getting myself stuck, I must be not remembering a step or something, I was never this bad at the game before! Only plenty of time to re-learn here I suppose.

Sometimes I wonder and dream of what life would be like if that day had gone as I thought it would— a little adventure then finish laundry and lunch, off to a play date and then life as it was would continue. Liam would be six now and in the first grade. So full of life. A busy life. What would have been? What should have been? My heart shatters…

only silence.

Celebrating fully having the surya namaskar mantra memorized and not needing the reference sheet at all today during practice!

“All is well Claire, don’t cry.”

"No Ange, all is not well and that is, in itself, okay. I do not need to turn my gaze from the devastation of my life. The pain is deep because my love is profound. Today is simply a day when I need to cry."

(interaction between myself and another woman who came to stand at my cell door)

I’m feeling at loose ends tonight. Struggling to finish an art piece. I don’t want to do yoga. I wish I had a book to get lost in. I had a therapy session with CATS today and I just miss my therapist from home. And I miss my life. I want to be home with MC and Tiko. I haven’t chanted. I should— I always feel better when I do but it’s hard to summon the energy to. I don’t want to draw attention to myself by doing something different. Everyone else is off today too. We’re all tired— the days seem really long right now.

It’s 8 p.m., we were all just let out for our second walkabout time today. I snuck out real quick to check my messages but nothing new has come in so I came back in. They are all blaring their show on the tablet out there, so I suppose I don’t need to worry about making noise and drawing attention to myself with my practice. Feel so blah, just want to be home.

Alright, yoga done. Feel a bit better. Feeling lonely tonight on cell block surrounded 24/7 by other people. I find myself wanting my people. A phone to just be able to pick up and text or call whenever I want to. A real meal. Non-fluorescence lights. I haven’t really let myself think too much about missing home like this. It’s too sad— my heart aches tonight for so many reasons.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 4, 2023

Deep Work

Open Sentences that Empower:

I empower myself by…

self-reflection, journaling, yoga practice, connection with others committed to the Great Turning, reading inspiring and challenging books, listening to podcast interviews with the movers and shakers of movement spaces, sleeping as best I can, nourishing my body, moving my body, creating art, chanting, expressing emotions, writing from my soul.

What empowers me is…

taking small daily actions in the ways that I can to participate in the Great Turning wherever I am, other people who believe in this work, people who believe in me, knowing there are others out there doing the work even if I am not with them now or in touch with them always, reading about others journeys who are committed to being of service in the world in the face of tragedy, witnessing others express deep, authentic emotions.

Surya Namaskar Count: 20

I slept decent last night and that was a treat, I didn’t even try to lay down to sleep until after 11 p.m. and that seemed to work okay. I need to learn to not fixate on trying to recreate the nights that I am able to sleep, there are so many factors outside of my control, and simply enjoy the fact that I did sleep.

So many thoughts cascading through this morning. The message from Karen was a lovely surprise yesterday and it also opened the door to those thoughts of family that I have kept closed for my sanity and well-being these last few years. I’m remembering to hold these thoughts gently and just allow them to be as they are— I don’t need to attach to them or stay with them any longer. There will be a time to settle in and unpack and work with them. Simply allow the love and support that is offered to settle in deeply within me—release all the rest until the right time.

Lights are dimmed and it’s time to flow now.

It is difficult to live without Liam and Miracle. It feels often the only correct atonement would be my death. To come to simply hold this and not act on it. How often I resist anything that brings some semblance of peace and comfort to myself. I am studying Course of Miracles this morning and after the lesson I felt lighter but then immediately thoughts washing in of my unworthiness and what a monster I am. The darkness continues to have claws and teeth that reach in and eviscerate any light that comes through.

I know people from home are curious/concerned about my life here and I’d like to share details, but it never seems to be the right time as I’m not comfortable talking around the other women knowing it just feeds the gossip mill here. But during my practice this morning I had the thought come to me that I can write to friends and share about my life here in that way. And that also means I can step out of the tablet drama a bit more as well, instead of trying to get one so I could write longer messages to them. Maybe the letters, phone calls, and virtual visits will feel like enough of a connection and I’ll be able to share more about life here through the letters.

Shannon sent me a guided journal to work through, so for this morning’s reflection/writing session I’ll begin copying the questions into my journal here so that the book can be shared with others afterwards.

Truth #1

Coffee with MC over candlelight comes so strongly to mind. Or eating tapioca pudding with Tiko and hearing about her music. Dinner with Marc at the common house, yoga with Elizabeth, walks with Katherine, working in the garden, art dates with Julie. Soul chats and social activism with Shelley. Ice cream and Great British Baking show with Shannon. There is much beauty and joy in my life amidst the darkness of Liam and Miracle’s absences.

The answer that comes through so strongly here is my writing— when I am fully in the zone and the words are pouring forth, I feel tapped into an energy source that is both intense and afterwards there’s such a deep sense of relief, of gladness and joy for having let myself go there. So, finding joy both in the solo pursuit of my writing and the companionship of my community. Life is so rarely either/or— and often it’s a messy mix of both/and— my sources of joy ebb and flow.

The usage of intellectualization as a coping mechanism to avoid feeling is strong in my past. It’s a pattern of behavior that I’m seeking to re-learn, or un-learn really, and not to deepen. I should wish to spend less time in my head and come more fully home to my heart and soul.

I’m really glad I got some writing time in this morning, it feels really great to feel the words flowing and coming more organically. Remember this going forward: it was really helpful to have journal prompts ready so continue to spend some time in the evening preparing something to work on in the morning. Add that to my “PM Bookend.”

There is someone banging somewhere and it’s crazy making. It’s been going on since yesterday morning— it’s difficult to tell what it is or where it is coming from. It’s pretty constant and adds another layer to the sensory overwhelm when everyone is up and talking/playing music/etc. Almost time for shift change and then a visit with MC :-)

Our culture has become a machine of judgement where in our moments of greatest need, compassion seems nigh on impossible to find.

Today has been such a topsy, turvy day. I completed everything on my checklist, but I was dragging. CATS ended up not coming for me today after all, so I went to class and it was chaos and so draining. And I am “ahead” so there was nothing for me to do or contribute. I made a couple of art pieces and just stayed quiet. But after dinner, I felt achy, cold, and exhausted and like I was getting sick. I laid down under my blanket and tried to get warm, ended up dozing off until Monny got called to AA. I decided not to go this week; I’ve had enough group time already today. While she was gone, I had a shower, then did some chanting and yoga while I had the cell to myself. I felt a lot better after my chanting practice. It’s amazing to me how much that really helps. Now I’m feeling much better, less like I’m going to get sick which I’m thankful for. I stayed in the cell the rest of the night, the drama and chaos is next level tonight with the women picking fights with each other. Even Monny came in after a while to get some space from it and watched a movie on the tablet instead.

I did a headstand today! And a back bend! Not all the way and not for long but still!!! The morning surya namaskar practice is really strengthening my arms and shoulders and core. It’s exciting to see the progress.

I hope I do get to see CATS soon or that the chaplain brings some more books— either/or— maybe both? Both MC and Shannon have signed up for daily visits this next week and that helps so much to keep my head in a good place and have something to look forward to each day. It makes me think of the emotional/mental toll of not receiving visits, some of the women have been here for months and not spoken to a single person outside of jail except for the lawyers (if that).

I don’t complain, I just endure as best as I can. I’m up again and off kilter. The violent soundtrack from the movie Monny was watching was too much for me to settle with. I’ve “swept” and cleaned the cell. Just a little longer until final lockdown for the night when the tablets will be shut off and lights dimmed. Hopefully by midnight I’ll be able to get settled in for the night.

It’s hard to listen to Emma talk about her case without emotion (outwardly displayed) and about her son’s death in the same way. The violent details and the horror of it— so much pain.

Ugh, my face is breaking out in a rash/acne and it’s painful. As much as snacks have been nice, my face breaking out like this is a huge warning sign to make some changes before it gets worse.

I just overheard the women talking about how max is solitary and honestly in this moment that sounds okay with me with all the noise and chaos up here.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

What does it mean to a Soul, to be able to see the sky?

It's something I took for granted
for some thirty odd years
the sky, itself, surely
but also that it would be there
each day for me to see.
That it's rhythm didn't just inform my day,
but it's presence made me more human
more real.
Living without it didn't just dull my skin
and it wasn't that by feeling less human
I became an animal--
no, it was worse than that.
I became-- nothing
a non-thing
a robot
a shell that moved from here to there
and back again.
The first time I saw the sky-- I wept
and it came home to me just how much I'd
lost of my own self
in all those days locked away
from even the sight of the sky.
Someone asked me what I do when I go
out to the garden early each morning.
It's difficult to put into words
this practice of greeting the sky
which is just another way of saying
greeting myself
and grieving myself that’s gone.
When others see me, they tell me how well
I'm doing, how strong and brave.
All the while I feel the memories of that
cage still alive and breathing within me
silent but real.
Each morning I go to the garden and with
each new break of dawn that I get to see,
the tears still flow.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

December 3, 2023

Deep Work

New day, begin again. Yesterday was a wash. I was so off kilter and so exhausted, I stayed in bed most of the day. Ange ended up getting sent to max after breakfast yesterday after she got into a fight with another woman and then Santiago who was on shift.

The last few days have been such an emotional roller coaster with her, I feel guilty for breathing a little easier with some space from her knowing she went somewhere with greater restrictions then here and that she lost her message and phone privileges again. I don’t wish that on anyone and the constant volatility is really challenging to be in such close quarters with. She will be back soon enough, stints in max are reviewed every two weeks and if she doesn’t get another ticket while she’s there, she’ll be back up here in time for Christmas and with her privileges again.

There are two new women who got put in the cell at the end of the row and so far have kept to themselves and not come out during walkabout times. Jess and Emma have been going on about how “stuck up” they are and it’s so interesting to see them and the dynamics here at play. There really is no way to do things “right” here— no matter what, they will gossip and be catty about you behind, and sometimes to, your face.

Yesterday was a really good reminder that these early hours, spending them intentionally doing my yoga practice, writing, and reading really does impact me and my ability to stay grounded as I move through my day here. I am starting a new habit to pack up my breakfast (if it’s a peanut butter sandwich) and come back to my cell to put a buffer between myself and the complaining/gossiping that others engage in. I also don’t need to eat until after my yoga practice that way.

I came back in to write these pages and do a little breathwork while the lights are still on brights, and everyone is up. The cell is a bit of separation, but things are still loud and chaotic. Now that the lights have been dimmed, everyone else is returning to sleep and the energy level is coming back to a lower resonance, and I’ll climb down to begin my practice. I missed doing my Course of Miracles homework yesterday too in my funk, so I’ll do days 3 and 4 today.

Surya Namaskar Count: 30

Remember to order underwear and t-shirts from commissary this week.

6:30 a.m. — so I did a one-hour practice this morning. I have another set aside on my schedule, but I’ll think of that as a stretch goal. Today this was really good for a first day back on the “mat” after such a rough day yesterday. I’m sitting down to my PB sandwich now and this is working for me, I think maybe I’ll order some PB and tortillas off the commissary this week as well and on the days when we don’t have PB sandwiches at breakfast give my tray to someone else. After practice just make a PB rollup and have my multi-vitamin for my breakfast and call it good.

I can feel myself falling into old patterns of turning to junk food when I’m upset and that doesn’t help me handle this situation any better. I ordered some junky food this week and that’s okay but going forward I don’t want to fall into that habit too often. Fasting is okay. I know that I’ll have food coming at lunch and dinner with lots of carbs. While not the most appetizing or healthy food, I won’t starve and it’s okay to experience hunger between meals.

There’s a part of me that would like to just not go down for trays at all but I know that’s not good behavior, as Jess says to me often, about a myriad of things, “that’s not how we jail.” People like the extra food when you don’t eat your tray and get upset if you don’t go down to get your tray when if you won’t eat it because they will and it’s viewed as selfish behavior here. And besides, I do want the PB sandwiches on those days and the only way that I’ll know is if I go down to get a tray.

Progress not perfection and finding my own way here bit-by-bit. I’m glad I got up for my practice this morning and while tired, I’m not as exhausted as I was yesterday and feel more functional overall. Jail culture is its own kind of beast and if I’m honest, I try to participate in its machinations as little as I possibly can.

Somehow it’s 10 p.m.— another day in the books. This morning feels so long ago. I think I am going to continue with the practice of fasting in the morning and giving my trays away. I had also thought I’d ordered granola bars but turns out I haven’t, so need to try to remember them for next time. I think I can order again tomorrow night.

It felt like such a long day and yet still I didn’t do any deep work or creative writing. I was still really tired, so napped more than I have planned on my tracker but I’m learning to be okay with that. With time I will settle in a little better and hopefully be able to think a little deeper throughout the day and not just in the morning when it’s (sometimes) quieter. That time is becoming precious to me but I’m also so tired in the morning still and finding I don’t have the stamina for deep mental work.

I am going to try to switch having a cup of instant coffee with kapalabhati breathwork in the morning and see if that helps. I think it would also be helpful for me to decide the night before what I will work on in the morning rather than trying to decide in the moment. Maybe having it prepped will help me get into it easier.

There’s so much I want to write about, in here and in messages to people, but honestly, I feel overwhelmed and exhausted just thinking about it, so I write about surface level things. Maybe that will be something that will change as well as I settle in here and my mind adjusts to the stimulation and the energy of the other women. I’m going to call this enough for tonight, begin again tomorrow.

I can feel myself changing and despite the environment, I feel it’s for the better, this inner change that’s happening, but it’s so consuming. I hope that I can hold steady and sustain. I am proud of myself, and it feels good to be able to say that.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.