I feel like I’m in a human centipede right now. And unfortunately, I’m the one in the middle.

I’m also the one in the front and the one in the back.

Let me explain.

At the front is younger me. She’s drunk, reckless, and convinced I’m missing out on my life if I’m not out with friends until 4 a.m. She’s feeding me all her bullshit: “You should be saying yes. YOLO. You’ll regret being boring. You’ll have FOMO when you see all the pictures from last night.”

And of course, I’m taking it in. Younger me loved a handle of cheap vodka and always accidentally dated drug dealers, so I already know it’ll end badly but it’s fun in the moment.

Then there’s me in the middle—current me—just trying to chew it all down and make sense of it.

I know it’s garbage. I can taste it. It’s horrible. But I keep swallowing anyway, like maybe it’ll magically turn into something digestible on the way down. Beneficial on the way down.

Spoiler: it doesn’t.

It’s shit.

And at the end is future me, who gets stuck with whatever’s left: the exhaustion, the hangovers, the emotional fallout.

She’s gagging on the consequences.

She’s thinking, great, now I’ve inherited bad credit, twice-a-week therapy, and an empty pantry that only holds ibuprofen, half a bag of jasmine rice, and an expired Plan B pill. All the shit runs down to her and she has to manage.

Oh and I pushed the rice aside. There’s also a prepackaged hot chocolate mix from three Christmases ago.

So I stay stuck between the girl who didn’t care about consequences and is easy to fall back into and the woman I want to be but still has to stomach all of my destructive behaviors. I’m trying not to let down either, trying not to ruin both. It’s been a shit show of my own design.

Rach

Subscribe

in 2000,

i was eight.

had i been allowed to vote

in the presidential election,

i would’ve voted bush/cheney.

my platform

was simple:

my dad.

🇺🇸

that’s who he was voting for.

that was enough.

🇺🇸

i remember all my friends

talking about al gore.

i liked my friends.

but i loved my dad.

🇺🇸

i don’t trust politicians.

but back then,

i didn’t even know what a politician was.

i just knew my dad was certain.

and i was certain of him.

🇺🇸

my first political stance was obedience.

my second,

sheer loyalty.

i loved my dad,

so i followed his every step.

turns out,

love isn’t a political ideology.

🇺🇸

i still love my dad.

but i’m really glad

they don’t let you vote

until you’re eighteen.

🇺🇸

xoxo

rach

Subscribe now

confused

what the fuck

why is “sunshine” by atmosphere playing

i guess we’re not setting the mood

with music tonight

💜

my boyfriend’s in the driver’s seat

the way he looks at me

i can’t describe it

but have you ever seen

somebody come back from the dead

he has

💜

i’ve died twice

well twice that had witnesses

💜

the times i’ve died

i’ve never seen god

no bright light

no outstretched arms

no one waiting at the pearly gates

💜

i wish i could confirm

that god is a woman

if she was

i just know she’d have a huge rack

and no back pain

no secrets of the universe

that i’d like to ask about

💜

none of that

just darkness

just quiet

just peace

💜

when i opened my eyes

i saw the two loves of my life

my boyfriend

and heroin

💜

how many loves do we get in a lifetime

because i’ve already had two

and that feels like more than most people

💜

one didn’t love me back

the other did

but we ruined each other anyway

💜

if we only get two

i’ve had mine

but if we get more

i promise i’ll be more delicate next time

Subscribe now

i’ve spent most of my adult life

letting someone go

who grew up with me

if i’m the spoon

he was the needle

but because more than love

there’s trauma between us

and too many memories

💜

when i realized i’d overdosed

i wasn’t sad

i wasn’t scared

i was mad

i missed the high

because i wasn’t alive to feel it

what a waste i thought

💜

so i prepared my next shot

with a little less this time

it almost feels like

heroin loved the part of me

that wanted to die

and i couldn’t tell the difference

💜

heroin might have been

the love of my life once

but i’m glad

i haven’t heard from them in years.

xoxo

rach

p.s.

i’m glad i’ll get to outlive mitch mcconnell

still very sad about harambe and billy mays though

they say the good die young

and all i have to say is

mitch you’re old