I have arrived home from a retreat like no other at Hidden Pond, in Kennebunkport, Maine. We were pampered, as we deserve. We were seen, as we deserve. We were celebrated, as we deserve. We were connected, as we deserve. We were uplifted in our stories; with a brief reprieve from the weight of ambiguous grief, we carry. A restoration of sorts occurred and now we carry on.

At Hidden Pond, we filled this peaceful place as members of a club nobody would ask to join. We are members of what I have termed the “Good Parent Broken Hearted Club”. We have been given a life experience we would never have chosen. Some stories more heartbreaking than others. But painful, nonetheless. Every tear matters. Every story matters. Every parent matters.

None of us at this retreat, raised our precious children to have this outcome in our stories. We love them. We long for them. We yearn for them. We miss them. However, far beyond our control and ability to fix, we live our one and only life without them. Somehow, someway, every single day.

At Hidden Pond, we had a name. And it was not just mom. Not just dad. We are somebody much larger than that, and we matter far more than our parenting. And our beloved stranger adult children do not get to erase reality and shared history with their silence. The truth is that we have always and are forever connected to one another. They are forever beloved. We are forever their parent. And they will never be able to forget us. nor us them.

And their decisions and their autonomy and their choices and even their mistakes do not get to be a measure of our worth and value. We matter.

Fortunately, and gratefully, this was my third Mending Space retreat, founded by our beloved Nancy Kerry. This phenomenal human being, who does not yearn for any acknowledgement or credit in her humble spirit is channeling her grief and sadness mixed with immense gifts and talents to help all of us. She cares and she creates for the betterment of our journey. She chooses places based on how they feel and Hidden Pond was one such place. It felt intimate. It felt safe. It felt beautiful. It felt cozy. It felt comfortable and it felt caring. She did that. In her sweet little, humble way she touched the 84 or so parents who got to be there. Our gratitude is immense. Our love and support for her is lasting. Thank you, Nancy. And thank you to Joyce and Eugene for showing up last minute and helping (I missed a photo).

Our star, our pioneer, our hero, our advocate, and our guide, Dr. Josh Coleman gave voice to what we want to say, what we need to hear, what others need to know. And he sprinkles it with his wonderful sense of humor. He says the things we need to hear to be validated, to be heard, to be known while living in the land of estrangement. He is the pioneer. He is our liberator, our good Samaritan, a guardian of sorts. His wealth of wisdom and expertise leads us forward while living in the land of estrangement. Thank you, Dr. Coleman.

Rachel, this young, vibrant, energetic woman has an old soul. A nurturing, loving and caring spirit. And she is brilliant. She is a walking library of resources and gifted with the ability to articulate what we need to hear to understand what is happening inside of us. What is happening inside of our broken family. She challenged all of us to grow towards the acceptance that this grief is possibly with us forever. It may change shape, and it may be able to shrink with time, but the loss of our beloved strangers, our precious children will never go away or not matter as long as we are separated. Therefore, our choice, and our challenge is to grow our boxes, our very one and only precious life extends around it. Our choice is to expand our horizons of living and fill this box with all that matters to us beyond our precious child. There is a life to be lived. A very good, loving and connected life with purpose and mattering. And with her sense of humor, she also encourages and challenges us to travel lightly. Thank you, my friend. Thank you, Rachel.

One of the silver linings in my story is my sweet new friend Cynthia whom I met at Lake Tahoe. We are kindred spirits and experience our friendship as if we have known each other our entire lifetimes. We would never have crossed paths across this vast country if not for our living in the land of estrangement. We saw each other in Chicago and roomed together in Kennebunkport, Maine. She cares deeply for others and is hypersensitive to their pain, in spite of carrying her own sorrow. Many were touched by her sensitivity and care over this weekend, including me. I am honored to know her and call her my friend. And yes, she is also part of our Good Parent Broken Hearted Club. For us, we know that God is guiding our paths, and we both walk in gratitude, in spite of our sorrow. We know the Comforter firsthand and comfort others as we have both been comforted.

My heart is overflowing, and as a writer and storyteller I share this morning without having even touched or reviewed a single note taken in my beautiful new journal. Yes, I am a compulsive note taker, an endless learner and I’m sure I will be sharing more reflections to come.

The bright sticker, You Are Exactly Where You Need to Be, given to us at Hidden Pond, reminded me very much of the wise words written in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. Another term that Dr. Coleman uses is radical acceptance. Like my workbook, the 12 steps of Living in the Land of Estrangement, I have modified the Acceptance page below for estranged parents and grandparents. May we walk in wisdom on this path, on this journey, side by side we carry on.

Acceptance ~ page 417 Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism (estranged adult child), I could not stay sober (serene); unless I accept my life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy (joy-filled). I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

So yes, you are exactly where you need to be. Even when it doesn’t make sense. May we all expand our lives and stories beyond the sorrow we carry with us.

We got to be parents. We got to love these precious children.

You are exactly where you need to be. Carry on my friend. Carry on.

I look forward to spending the weekend with many of you in person! See you there!

Navigating estrangement is not for the faint of heart.

Living in the land of estrangement, without your beloved stranger, is a life of carrying ambiguous grief day in and day out.

One of the most incredible realities in my work is meeting parents navigating the weight and grief of estrangement after having buried another child. I’m in awe of how any human being can get up every morning and get through another day with that weight.

I’m also exposed to stories upon stories of fractured families and lost loved ones while simultaneously getting through other life adversities.

Like divorce.

The ambiguous grief of estrangement and the ongoing grief of the death of a child put immense strain on a marriage.

First of all, people grieve in their own unique way. This difference can cause friction in a marriage, particularly when one needs to talk about the weight and the other needs to tuck it away.

How can they support one another on the journey?

I remember during the pandemic having this dreamy moment of imagining all the estrangements to end.

Surely our world was changing rapidly and we were entering into an experience we had never known.

Surely all these fractured family members would want to be connected and run into the safety and security of familial bonds.

However, I was stunned to learn of many who never heard from their beloved strangers.

Nobody checked on them.

Nobody asked how they were doing.

Nobody seemed to care.

How heavy is that?

Then for those over the years whom I have met or learned about who experienced significant medical diagnoses.

Surely their beloved stranger would want to know how they were doing?

Surely they would check on them and come alongside while they were sick?

But no, it did not happen.

I even learned of one painful story, Rev. Dr. John Killinger, whom I learned about when I facilitated the Alienated Grandparents Anonymous group in my office.

He was a consultant to AGA, and he and his wife were living with estrangement. They both wrote and published books about their experiences, and his wife Anne was diagnosed with cancer.

She ended up passing from this disease and although she received one phone call from her beloved stranger, they never reconciled.

How heartbreaking is that?

In my work I have met many estranged parents and alienated grandparents who are carrying the weight of their grief.

They have somatic symptoms that sometimes surprise them in their unfolding.

Shock, anger and overwhelming waves of grief can appear suddenly and unexpectedly.

We are carrying this in the very cells of our being.

I have met many who wonder if anyone would ever know or care if they passed in their own house alone.

How sad and heavy is this weight.

Psychologist Paul Ekman studied universal facial expressions of emotions.

He came up with six, with four that are commonly experienced as unpleasant or negative, one positive and one neutral.

They are happiness (joy), sadness, fear, anger, disgust and surprise.

He added a seventh, contempt, with Dr. John Gottman identifying it as a particularly destructive predictor of marital failure.

Certainly that can apply to estrangement and broken relationships.

So with those primary human emotions, are we just being naive in expecting life to be easy?

Scott Peck wrote years ago the classic, The Road Less Traveled, with the first sentence, “Life is difficult,” being so profound that it could have been the beginning and end of his book.

Yes, life is difficult and the weight of it is very heavy.

I learned years ago from a pastor/friend who used to say, “Happiness is circumstantially driven, and Joy is spiritually derived.”

Personally, I can’t imagine how anyone navigates this life without some sort of higher power, spiritual belief or superhuman strength.

Life is hard.

With the imbalance of the human emotions, it is helpful to accept this reality and not be surprised by the challenges that come.

Adjusting those expectations can surely help joy to arise from within.

Sitting in the sunshine, sharing a meal with a friend, caring about others, giving and receiving hugs can help carry the unbalanced weight of our lives and the grief of living in the land of estrangement.

What is helping you carry your load?

References

Ekman, P. (1992). An argument for basic emotions. Cognition and Emotion, 6(3–4), 169–200.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.

Peck, M. S. (1978). The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. Simon & Schuster.

Killinger, J. (2012). From Poppy with Love: Letters from a Grandfather to the Grandchildren He Isn’t Allowed to See.

Killinger, A. K. (2008). A Son Is a Son Till He Gets a Wife: How Toxic Daughters-in-Law Destroy Families. Angel B. Books.

It Takes Time to Grow an Oak Tree

Are you living in the land of estrangement?

Are you finding yourself waiting for your beloved stranger to return?

Are you putting your life on hold while you wait?

Are you eagerly anticipating their return?

Are you urgently longing for that day?

In doing so, are you missing the day you are in?

Estrangement and emotional cut-off are not for the faint of heart. I believe it is one of the most tragic life experiences and am confident the long-term consequences will touch generations to come.

However, with this life adversity, as with much of life’s unplanned and unexpected experiences, we don’t have to wait for return or reunification to live our lives.

We don’t have to sit in waiting while our one precious life passes us by.

We are given one. Only one life to live while it lasts.

How do we want to spend it? How do we want to use the precious gift of time? A finite resource.

It takes time to grow an oak tree.

In our instant gratification world today, patience seems to be a lost virtue. Patience for life to unfold, for stories to finish, and for lessons to be learned seems fleeting.

Patient porch sitting seems to be a lost art.

Many estranged parents are longing for the return of their beloved child. Intense emotions and desires for reunification can interfere with our ability to be patient.

Or present.

Our children are learning their own life lessons. Our children are growing into the fullness of who they are meant to be.

And honestly, so are we.

Life is difficult. Why do we expect it not to be?

As we wait for them to grow, and as we grow ourselves, can we reflect on where we were at their age?

I remember each decade that I have lived was full of life struggles, celebrations, and changing seasons. It’s easy, in hindsight, to see how my life unfolding made me who I am today.

However, I wasn’t always, if ever, patient in the unfolding. Or present. I often couldn’t wait for the next thing.

I spent the day with my youngest granddaughter today. She is my bestie!

We went to the park and walked the dogs, stopped at the playground, and traveled back home. Then we went out again and shopped for birthday presents.

In each experience, this little 5-year-old wonder would express where she wanted to go next.

Walking the dogs, she wanted the playground.

At the playground, she wanted to go home.

At home, she wanted to go shopping for her brother’s birthday presents.

At the store, she wanted to be somewhere else.

I gently reminded her that she needed to practice being present. Let herself sit in the shade of the trees she was under.

Be patient and present.

It takes time to grow an oak tree.

It takes time for estrangement to unfold and for the people involved to grow.

Don’t stop waiting for your beloved stranger to return.

Stop waiting to live.

The days we spend waiting are also the days of our lives.

While we hope for another day with them, let’s not miss the day we’ve been given.

It takes time to grow an oak tree. Be patient and present.

In this book, Minka Kelly describes a childhood rooted in authentic abuse. Her story is heartbreaking to read as she navigates an extremely dysfunctional family of origin story. However, what warms my heart is her author’s note. This beautiful woman has the capacity to see and love her mother as a wounded person herself. She has grown in maturity to expand her view, which subsequently softens her perspective. How beautiful in its unfolding. Can we all strive for that? She has the ability to see that her perception and lived experience was not the entire version of the story. There are more parts, more people, more stories to be shared, read, understood. May the family estrangement phenomena of our present day develop that invitation for those stories not being told. Your story matters, and your piece of the puzzle fits too.

Before I purchased this book to read, I was honored to participate in a zoom meeting through the organization, P.E.A.C. International. Rachel and her daughter Grace appeared at that meeting and shared their story. Live and in person, they were reconciled after almost 10 years of estrangement. I later purchased the book and read their lived story myself.

As a Christian, I shared Rachel’s heartfelt prayers and complete dependence upon her faith and God’s word through this estrangement journey. As evidenced in her story, having that support, certainly helped her navigate those painful years. She always had God to talk to and often prayed for Grace.

Not only does the Bible tell us to pray for those who hurt us, but the AA Big Book talks about a cure for resentment. It describes “Freedom from Bondage” as a prescription of praying for the health, prosperity and happiness, every day, for at least two weeks for the person you resent. Why is that? Because it is impossible to hate and love a person at the same time. When someone has hurt us, especially cut us out of their lives, the deep pain and wounds can cause a root of resentment, bitterness, anger and ultimately hatred to grow. The simple solution is to pray, so that love and wellbeing becomes the soothing balm and Rachel speaks often of her prayers throughout the book.

Another thing that Rachel shared in her book was a revelation she received from God. She even wrote it down, and she wrote CCFF and what this acronym stood for. The first C was that she didn’t CAUSE this. Next C, she can’t CONTROL it. She then realized, the first F, she couldn’t FIX it and final F it wasn’t her FAULT.

I can see how freeing this revelation was to her, but I also know of the Al-Anon 3 C’s that are similar. Again, the AA program was developed with strong Christian and Oxford Group influences. Subsequently Al-Anon was formed and with that being said, God’s principles are present and will never change.

The Al-Anon 3 C’s are You didn’t CAUSE this, you can’t CONTROL it and you can’t CURE it. An additional C is that you can CONTRIBUTE to it positively or negatively. How appropriate to living in the land of estrangement. All these estranged adult children have made a choice, albeit difficult and painful for them too, that we cannot control. They may blame us for their choice, and certainly we may have contributed and owe amends, but ultimately, we cannot control or cure this without their willing participation.

Fortunately, for Rachel and Grace’s family, the story has a happier ending. Nothing against Grace personally, as I’m sure she has her own reasons with her lived experience, but I honestly struggled at times with the frustration of reading a complex emotional experience of estrangement lived out with my perceived simple solution. Just phone home. Just call home.

Finally, Grace did that, but not until after she divorced her spouse. Dr. Josh Coleman talks of the Cult of One. His research has shown that 70% of parents estranged in his experience cut off after their adult child married or brought someone into the family system. He learned that sons were actually more vulnerable. So yes, this does happen in many family estrangement stories.

In a 2024 article for The Washington Post, psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman reported that, in his survey of 1,632 estranged parents conducted through the University of Wisconsin Survey Center, 70 percent said their estrangement began after their adult child married.

Citation: Coleman, “A psychologist explains how a new in-law can tear a family apart,” The Washington Post, September 22, 2024.

One monumental experience for Grace in the story was when a particular guy she called, “angel boy” told her, “Family is family. There’s no escaping that. You will forever be a part of your family no matter what you do. There’s nothing you can do to make yourself not their daughter or sister anymore”. Although she didn’t act right away to reach out to her family, his words planted the seeds that ultimately brought her back home to her family.

I will end with that being the best and my absolute favorite thing about this book.

All the estranged parents I have met over the years are waiting for their day too. For their beloved stranger to return home.

May it come soon for us all. Godspeed.

In this book, When They Walk Away, Candi Morris tells her story which can offer a witness, understanding and validation to this painful life experience for many estranged and grieving parents.

However, Candi also navigates ongoing grief with the death of one of her children. Alongside the ongoing pain of estrangement, she also endures the death of a child.

As a professional working with estranged parents, I am in awe of those who have endured what is universally a worst life experience, burying a child. And then tragically end up carrying the ambiguous grief of a child who chooses to cut ties.

How can one person be given so much pain to carry.

Sadly, I have met many such parents over the years of working with this population.

Candi’s book told her heartfelt story and lived experience, but it doesn’t stop there. She offers quotes, journaling and reader reflection prompts at each chapter’s end. So readers are able to carry on and tell their own story, heal their own hearts and find their own pathway forward.

I have met Candi and been interviewed on her podcast, Estranged and Rearranged. Not only is she a survivor of all that life has dealt her, but she also dedicates her life to turning her pain into purpose in helping to support other estranged parents.

I love that about her.

She is also a warrior as some of the estranged adult children can be brutal and cruel with their shooting arrows and attacks on her platform. I’m still perplexed by the vitriol in these young souls that comes through their keyboards but rooted from inside of them.

Yes, they are hurting, but they also are truly responsible for their own emotional, mental and spiritual health. Their words are coming from inside of them, and the roots are their own garden to toil. We may have been wounded by others, but we also have a responsibility to examine what we nurture within ourselves. And especially how we treat others.

We can only take responsibility for the garden that belongs to us.

What do we want to plant? What do we want to grow? How do we want to bloom?

Perhaps that is part of the difficult work of healing: learning to acknowledge the pain we have experienced without allowing it to define everything we become.

Candi’s story reminds us that even when life delivers more heartbreak than we believe we can bear, there can still be meaning, connection, and purpose in the telling of our stories. And sometimes, simply knowing that someone else understands can be the first step toward finding a way forward.

Although The Correspondent is not specifically about navigating estrangement, it offers some wisdom within its pages.

As an avid reader, I have found that getting lost in other people’s stories can be a way of escaping or resting from the challenges of my own life. I often come away feeling stronger, wiser, and, most of all, grateful for my own troubles. They are enough, and I often can’t imagine how others get through theirs.

In this beautiful book, written by a young author who grew up near me in Maryland, the complexities of life and relationships unfold. The Correspondent was Virginia Evans’s first published novel in 2025, and it soared to the top of the New York Times bestseller list.

What makes this book so special is that it is told through years of letters written by its fictional character, a retired judge. Who remembers this dying art? As I stay attached to technology and send brief texts, typed emails and quick comments on social media, I find myself remembering the years of handwritten letters I have sent and received throughout my lifetime.

In this age of quickness and speed, I find myself longing for slower days and the simple gifts of sending, releasing, waiting, and receiving. Letter writing was a cycle that flowed like the seasons of the year and the seasons of life.

One of the most profound letter-writing relationships in my life was with my “Mama June,” whom I met when I was three years old. She became a second mother to me and, truly, a role model for my life.

All my memories of Mama June are of being loved by her and of watching her spread that love everywhere she went. Her source, of course, was the really Big Book: The Holy Bible, which she kept open on her dining room table, with her face in it!

She didn’t just read and believe the Word. She was so connected to it that her own words seemed rooted in it, expressing a pure and unconditional love in the letters she wrote to me. She lived in Greece on and off throughout her lifetime, and our handwritten letters crossed the world to touch each other. This treasured relationship, sustained in this way, was a rare gem. Relationships nurtured through this kind of intentional, patient connection seem to be getting lost in today’s technology-fueled world.

Virginia Evans’s book brought me back to those years, to the comfort of those letters, and to a time when I was struggling as a young mother myself. I was learning firsthand about the complexity of life, the changing seasons we move through, and the challenges of loving the people closest to us.

One of the passages that touched me most in her book was a letter in which her character reaches out to someone with whom she has a difficult family relationship, seeking to make amends. She writes:

“I know you think of me as your mother only, but please remember, inside I am also just a girl.”

Isn’t that what estranged parents sometimes long for their children to understand?

Yes, I was your parent. I was imperfect and flawed. But I was also a person. I was once a child, too, with my own history, wounds, and struggles. I was a human being who tried to love and care for you to the best of my ability. And I failed.

Can we please try again? Please?

In my work with estranged parents and alienated grandparents over the years, I have observed the natural inclination for the missing adult child to become the primary focus in their lives.

Of course, as I always tell my clients in their emotional fallout, “You are having a natural reaction to an unnatural life experience.”

We are wired for connection. Made for relationship. Bonded in kinship.

When that primary relationship bond between a parent and child is severed, you will feel that impact and loss. Of course, chronic grief, emotional spin-out, and bewildered identity with saturating rumination are natural.

We have to face and feel that pain and loss.

However, being an estranged parent is not who you are. It is what has happened to you.

It is a significant, but only partial part of your entire life experience and of course, your whole self.

I remind parents, “You were a person, way before you became a parent”.

I think universally we agree that burying a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. It is an unnatural and tragic life experience that has to be carried forward for the rest of one’s life.

Although ambiguous grief is part of an estranged parent’s story, emotional cut-off is not always the end of the story.

It is never the entire story.

As we heal and wait for our adult children to come to their senses, so to speak, we have a full and abundant life to live.

We are the authors of our own life stories. We get to choose how we live it.

One of the great ironies of today’s cut-off culture trend is that many of these adult children are the product of a complete reversal of parenting over the years.

When I grew up, I was known as a “latchkey” kid.

I came home to an empty house, with two parents working. My job was to pick up my little brother at the neighbor’s house. I watched him while I started dinner that was prepped and did my homework as required.

I played on a softball team at the local park, and I rode my bike, by myself, to and from practice. No parents participated. If I had a game, they weren’t on the sidelines.

They were so busy living and doing life.

They were my parents, but it was my life. I was not theirs.

Fast forward to parenting trends of late, and I know my parenting of four children and my marriage were very child-centered.

In fact, we were drawn to each other because we both loved children so much and wanted to have our own.

I was fortunate to be a stay-at-home mother with a spouse who worked from home and could arrange his schedule around the children.

We did everything with and for our children. We were present, participating, and very positive.

They were our life. They were our world.

With four children, at times in different schools and on different sports teams, they were never without a parent on the sidelines; at times, their father was even the coach!

This pure devotion blessed them, but it was a sacrifice in our child-centered marriage.

When the children grew up and flew the coop, we were left no longer knowing who we were individually, much less as a couple.

As often happens, we divorced, but for us, it remained amicable to this day.

Imagine our bewilderment as some of those children have no room, much less time, in their busy lives for us?

I know we are not alone.

So, one helpful thing for those walking this journey without their adult child is to learn to shrink them in our lives.

After all, they have shrunk us.

Could it be wise to match their energy?

We have loved them and launched them to the best of our ability.

Can we now write the next chapters of our lives and go and live intentionally and abundantly?

There are trails to be hiked, sights to be seen, and stories to write.

What is our next chapter? Where can this one and only glorious life take us now?

There are people to meet. Nature to explore. And a gazillion books to read.

What’s our next adventure?

As I’ve shared before, line dancing is one of my absolute favorite things to do. It is the best therapy I’ve found.

Over the years, as my nightlife energy and capacity shrank, I found the local senior citizen centers full of free line dancing classes.

I’ve made incredible friends while sharing this healthy and fun activity.

One of the women I’ve befriended turned 99 years young this past August.

Now, not even knowing her, you can surely assume her 99 years didn’t always go according to her plans, right?

There is a high probability that she has had to bury many loved ones, including her own child.

But just look at her, this dancing inspiration.

She is living and loving her life. The one and only one she has.

I just adore her!

I hope you can learn to love yourself and your life once again.

Shrink those beloved strangers down to the appropriate size and let them go.

They are living their own lives, so let them.

Get out there and walk in nature. Rescue a dog. Hike a mountain. Ride a bike. Plant a garden. Read a good, good book.

Help a stranger.

Embrace another estranged parent and offer your friendship.

We are not alone. Our story is not over. The best is yet to come.

Come on, Honey, just shrink those kids.

I had no idea on August 11, 2025, when I posted my very first Substack article, “INSIDE OUT SEEMS UPSIDE DOWN,” how enriching this new platform would be.

I had no idea how my words, my writings, my true stories would connect me to incredible people all across this great country. I had no idea how these connections would reward me in sustaining ways.

My highest-viewed Substack article remains today the one entitled “I Don’t Owe My Parents Anything,” posted on November 29, 2025, with over 6,000 views.

Having tried with utmost humility to bring awareness to the growing silent epidemic of devastated, traumatized, and ostracized estranged parents, I had created a professional CEU training on the Ethics of treating family estrangement. After presenting on five platforms, this experience left me still reeling from the professional and personal fallout. Although my training evaluations were primarily 90% positive, the 10% negative was brutal and left its mark. Substack gave me a platform to share my lived experience and the emotional turmoil swirling within.

From this small step of courage—being vulnerable and authentic as a professional and putting my pain on a platform—I found that many people resonated with my words. I was not alone on this journey. A path I would never have chosen, but had actually chosen me, unfolded.

From Substack to Friendship

One reader in particular found the title of this article something worth challenging. However, after reading my Substack, he discovered my words aligned with his core values in this upside-down world we now live in.

Rick McCarthy, an LMFT with over 48 years of experience living across this great country, reached out to me, and we eventually connected via Zoom to share our professional and personal experiences.

Our Substack connection, human alliance, and shared perspectives led to the friendship we have today.

Rick soon invited me to join a weekly Zoom chat he and another colleague, Kelly Kilcoyne LMFT, founded years ago. In this group, I was introduced to Phillip Crum, Kathleen Mills LPC-S, and Kelly Kilcoyne LMFT, among others.

When I could attend, I found this group of people not only like-minded, but incredibly light-hearted with a wonderful sense of humor. I often left these Zoom meetings uplifted as I continued to work as a solo, virtual-only conservative practitioner in a very upside-down, far left-wing, woke-influenced and inflated profession.

I had finally found my people. And the best news—they were both fun and funny!

From Virtual Friends to a Texas Conference

As this year evolved, I bought and read Rick’s book, Restoring Marriage and Families, https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0F281HDL3 and since he was an author, he was the perfect person for me to share my idea of a 12-step workbook to help estranged parents and grandparents navigate the bewildering experience of being cut off by our beloved children.

He shared his book writing experience and introduced me to his graphic artist, who brought my photo and vision to life. Rick willingly and enthusiastically endorsed my workbook and encouraged me to fulfill this vision.

How surreal to have this workbook published in March of 2026, Living in the Land of Estrangement. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GSPD2372

In time, Phillip invited me to his podcast with Kathleen, Therapy Disrupters.

I was interviewed with Mickey Heller, another like-minded clinician navigating this land of estrangement; it was fun to be interviewed alongside her.

Unbeknownst to me, her published book, You Are Dead to Me, https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H211CNLH, references me, along with Dr. Josh Coleman, the pioneer in this area of expertise, as someone who also works to bring awareness and help to estranged parents.

From there, Phillip invited me to the Fourth Annual AMHP conference in Texas, the Lone Star State, to be a Table Moderator on the topic of Family Estrangement and to sell my workbook.

At this conference, and in this Friendship State, it was refreshing to spend in-person time with this newfound family of friends.

Now you have to know, this girl can do a fine two-step, with a proper lead, and has discovered line dancing as the best therapy out there, but has never been to Texas.

This was a professional and personal stretching for me to even accept his invitation. Combining this trip with family connection in Texas was further motivating.

Finding My People in Person

I must say, upon arrival, to be embraced in person by these wonderful Zoom friends across the country was a blessing.

Then to receive my name tag, with the title Author promptly displayed, was somewhat surreal. Having only published this workbook in March, I had not yet fully grown into this newfound identity of “Author.”

It felt good to be so identified after all my hard work.

This conference far surpassed anything I was remotely expecting.

To have three full days of connection to like-minded, value-aligned people after living and working in a virtual world for so very long was fuel to my soul.

To have a professional conference open in prayer and have all the speakers depending upon a higher authority to equip them to share, was awe-inspiring.

Most especially after living for years in a bewildered state with my conservative values attacked amongst my professional and at times personal peers. This was a soothing balm to a bewildered soul.

My in-person reunion and connection with these Zoom friends and colleagues were topped off with meeting so many other incredible souls from across this great country.

The laughter we shared on many moments was evidence of a level of comfort in knowing we were among our safe people. Those who have the common sense, and the intelligence to know what truly matters about life.

How refreshing!

Mickey and I - full of smiles!!!

Ryan, Mickey and Adam (aka Jelly Roll doppelgänger).

How fun to connect with these fabulous souls in this huge country that just so happens to be a very small world.

Adam actually purchased the Conservative Directory that my Maryland colleague, Dr. Stephanie Knarr, had founded many years ago. I was one of her first clinicians to join this directory, as the therapist profession tried to shrink and disapprove of conservative values. However, mental health does not discriminate, and ethics require us to be inclusive and cherish the divine within all.

Both Adam and I have been interviewed on Dr. Stephanie Knarr’s radio show before. What a kindred spirit he is!

The conference was three long, chock-full days, but included an evening out for a Texas Bar-B-Que!

The fellowship was far more satisfying than the food! Grateful and full indeed!

Healing the Whole Person

The speakers were anointed holistic doctors, lawyers, educators, speakers, and more.

They shared one goal: the healing of the whole person- mind, body, spirit, and emotions.

They shared a wealth of information, and their words tapped into a part of myself I had lost over the years.

I once was a dedicated health-driven woman who regularly consulted with a holistic nutritionist. I did not eat sugar for 18 years, and I even took and sold Juice Plus, a product that made me too healthy to drink my daily bad habit of Diet Coke.

My body actually physically rejected Diet Coke many years ago.

I had lost that healthy holistic part of myself over the years of caring for both a mother and husband battling stage 4 cancer (my husband 4 times since 2012) while navigating the devastating experience of family estrangement.

For me, life had become about caretaking and survival alone.

One day at a time, one breath at a time, carrying the immense weight of anticipatory, ambiguous and actual grief.

The JOY of the LORD was my strength.

At the conference, I hosted my Table Moderator talk and met so many people that are also living in the land of estrangement.

Another new colleague at the conference had a Table Talk for Women’s Issues and told me that every single person who showed up at her table was experiencing family estrangement.

Tragic indeed.

However, this conference, these colleagues, and the moral authority we follow are where the hope lies.

The best is yet to come. Our stories are not over. No, not yet.

There is much work to be done and as Joshua 1:9 empowers us:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Amen and Amen.

What I’m Taking Home With Me

So, to go to a conference and receive far more than I could have imagined, and to also receive a thank-you gift for my presence, was inspiring and encouraging.

I am among the givers, the healers, the helpers in this world.

We were left with the question: what’s one thing you will take with you and do as you leave this conference?

For me, it’s to take care of my health holistically once again, which includes continuing to connect with people, friends, and family in person as much as possible in this high-tech, disconnected world.

We were launched after holding hands and praying at the closing of the conference.

As I arrived at the airport, Dallas Love Field, to catch my flight home, I pondered how a professional conference could leave me so love-filled.

I am grateful for these divine appointments.

My very first AMHP Conference certainly won’t be my last!

Lord willing and the creek don’t rise!!!

Wouldn’t it be nice if, when a child is born, you were handed the perfect manual for raising them? Then, after investing an entire lifetime into raising them, wouldn’t it be nice if, at the first cut-off or emotional silent treatment, you were handed another manual on how to navigate your changing relationship? Wouldn’t that be nice?

Life, however, isn’t always that nice. And parenting, relationships, and emotional cut-offs aren’t that simple. So, we are left navigating much of the unknown. If communication is the key to a relationship, then many parents have lost that key after pouring a lifetime of love into meeting their child’s needs as best they could. Now, sadly, that love is mixed with longing for their beloved stranger (a term used by Mark Whitlock of wmarkwhitlock.substack.com,) who has seemingly swallowed the key.

No, we aren’t given a manual, and we are left trying to find our way through the unknown, navigating pain, heartbreak, and longing. Walking in the dark without a light to guide us. Waves of shock, anger, bargaining, desperation, confusion, embarrassment, shame, and sadness often greet us as we start this journey of living in the land of estrangement.

The ambiguity of what happened and what will happen next fuels the weight of grief that becomes a constant companion. It’s as if another unknown, called ambiguous grief, has taken up residence in our lives as our beloved child becomes a beloved stranger.

This ambiguous grief walks with us on this journey and takes us through immense pain and sorrow, loss and longing. We are bewildered at best and often seek that elusive manual and, even more so, our missing child.

Even if we found the manual, we’d still need the specific key for our personal scenario and the people involved. As I work with estranged parents on this journey, the longing of all our souls is reunification and return to relationship with our beloved stranger.

Initially, most parents are willing to do anything and often have even tried everything, only to be rebuked, rejected, or ignored. The silence smacks them in the heart, leaving them bewildered and carrying this heavy, ambiguous grief.

If, however, the stars align, a door opens, and a pathway toward healing unfolds, many parents walk timidly on what feels like sacred ground. They tiptoe into this new path, moving from ambiguity to ambivalence.

All the questions from before the door opens become a new set of questions and emotions surrounding the now fragile, still precious relationship. For some parents, that fragile connection doesn’t last, and the very beloved strangers who closed the door before know very well how to do it again.

For some, this reconciliation does not last, and they are left living in the land of estrangement, sad and alone once again. Longing for their beloved stranger. Many parents aren’t prepared for the shock of this happening again. They teeter with ambiguity and ambivalence, and that old unwelcome companion of grief.

For some, as this estrangement-to-fragile-reconciliation cycle repeats, they eventually lose the momentum to try, to care, to put themselves back into such a precarious situation. I often tell parents, “You are having a normal reaction to an abnormal life experience.” There is nothing wrong with you, regardless of what others and society may say.

We are not meant to be rejected; we are meant for connection, belonging, and relationship—especially a lifelong connection with the very heartstrings of connection and attachment to our beloved child. We are not meant to be rejected, especially by the very children we poured our hearts, souls, and lives into.

If this describes you or your journey, please know you are not alone. Wrap yourself in loving compassion as you walk this journey, knowing that you are not alone. No matter how others treat you, including your own child, you are an immensely valuable human being.

You were a person, way before you became a parent. Estrangement does not define you or your immense value and worth. It is a life experience that you didn’t choose, like many other heartbreaking experiences in humanity. You are a sacred soul, worthy of love.

You remain worthy and a gift, even if your beloved stranger doesn’t recognize it. Their rejection doesn’t diminish your worth, even if it feels like it.

You are the gift, even if they are missing out. It is their loss. As you love, long, and feel your heartstrings reaching, please know that sometimes life isn’t kind. Many linger in this land, a place they never would have chosen.

You are a gift. Your story matters. Your life matters. Just as you long for your beloved stranger for the gift they are, and long to embrace them once again, you are equally the gift, even if it is not received.

As an experiential writer and reflector, I could not help but weave the loss of Dolly Parton last week into my experience of living and working in the land of estrangement.

The whole world now knows and collectively mourns the loss of the one and only Dolly Parton. What a gift her multitude of talents brought to us. However, the greatest gift was her loving, generous, and kind heart. What a legacy she has left.

I can’t help but sing her lyrics over and over in my mind this week. Dolly was an icon, but she was also a powerful example of values that, in some ways, seem to be cast aside or disappearing as society goes on. Born and raised amid adversity, Dolly did not allow her circumstances to stop her hopes and dreams—or, perhaps more importantly, to determine how she would treat other people.

She fearlessly used her gifts and talents to make this world a better place. She did not fall back on the hardships and limitations of the circumstances into which she was born. Goodness knows how today’s ideology of estrangement would fit into the world as Dolly knew it then.

Dolly seemed to have had a remarkably close relationship with her large and extended family, and her many siblings remained an important part of her life. I wonder what might have happened if the language we commonly use today—“abuse,” “trauma,” and “toxic”—had been applied to every hardship or conflict of her childhood. Would someone have told her that walking away was the answer?

Of course, none of us can know.

What we do know is that Dolly continued to speak about her family with love and affection. She drew on her faith, loyalty, generosity, and remarkable capacity for compassion. Rather than allowing hardship to become the whole story, she seemed to use her heart as fuel, her faith as strength, her loyalty as power, and her kindness and generosity as a catalyst to spread love that touched not only her family but millions of others.

Dolly often spoke fondly of her mother and father, calling them Mommy and Daddy. I’m sure, like all parents, they were imperfect. Yet Dolly chose to see them, speak of them, and relate to them through eyes of love, respect, loyalty, kindness, and devotion.

And she didn’t stop there.

She spoke of her extended family members and all eleven of her siblings, too. In a family that large, surely there were disagreements, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and conflict somewhere along the way. Family systems are messy. People get angry. People disappoint one another. People say things they wish they hadn’t said.

Yet Dolly remained connected to her family and continued to speak publicly about them with affection.

They got mad at each other. At times, they fought like hornets, as she might have described it. Yet they remained a family in all the messiness—with as many stings as the sweetness the honey provides.

I find myself wondering what Dolly might have thought about the phenomenon of family estrangement we live with today.

She was clearly outspoken in her love for all people and a prominent supporter and ally of the LGBTQ community. She spoke about people not being able to help who they are, just as she couldn’t help being Dolly Parton.

And aren’t we the fortunate ones?

The one and only Dolly Parton.

What would Dolly do with this land of estrangement? What would she say?

Surely, in a family with eleven siblings, conflict existed. Different personalities, different choices, different needs, different wounds, and different circumstances inevitably lead to complicated relationships. Yet Dolly spoke of being close to her family and remained connected to them.

She was known to say, “We are all God’s children, and how we are is who we are.”

She modeled a disposition toward people that makes me wonder what our culture might look like if we brought more kindness, generosity, forgiveness, patience, humility, and acceptance into our broken family relationships.

What if we made room for imperfection?

What if conflict did not automatically mean disconnection?

What if being hurt did not always have to mean walking away forever?

What if there were room for boundaries without complete emotional cut-off?

These are difficult questions, and I don’t pretend there are simple answers. There are situations in which distance and separation are necessary. There are circumstances in which relationships are unsafe. But I do wonder what happens when estrangement becomes our cultural default—when the answer to relational pain is increasingly disconnection rather than repair, reconciliation, forgiveness, or simply finding a way to remain human toward one another.

Although her lyrics, “I will always love you…,” have nothing specifically to do with estrangement or families, the weight of those meaningful words, sung together, has deeply touched my mind and heart since her passing.

In all honesty, I have yet to meet an estranged parent or alienated grandparent who does not carry some version of that legacy of love—the power of those words—for their children and grandchildren.

“I will always love you…”

For many, those words continue to be the heartbeat of their lives as they walk in the land of longing for and loving the absent ones.

Now Dolly is absent.

And somehow, that word feels different.

One of her defining characteristics was kindness and generosity, woven into all the love she gave. So I find myself wondering:

What if all these broken families, living in the land of estrangement, just tried to be kind to one another?

Not because everyone is perfect.

Not because the hurt wasn’t real.

Not because boundaries don’t matter.

But simply because kindness matters.

What if kindness—caring, consideration, and compassion toward one another—became the standard rather than an isolated idea?

How is estrangement, or emotional cut-off, ever caring, considerate, or compassionate toward one another?

If kindness is about choosing to make another person’s life easier rather than harder, how might that change the landscape of estrangement?

I can’t help but wonder.

I can’t help but ponder.

How could this world be more like Dolly’s world?

Many of the estranged parents and grandparents I encounter continue to carry that same longing: to love, to bless, to hope, and to say, in their own way, “I will always love you.”

Collectively, I imagine they continue to sing goodness toward those very pieces of their hearts who have rejected their love.

Perhaps that is one of the greatest lessons Dolly leaves us.

That our circumstances do not have to determine the condition of our hearts.

That kindness is still possible.

That generosity is still possible.

That forgiveness is still possible.

That love can remain, even when a relationship has been broken.

And perhaps, in this land of estrangement, there is still something to learn from a woman who seemed to understand that life, families, and people were never going to be perfect.

But we can still choose how we treat one another.

We can still choose kindness.

We can still choose love.

And perhaps we can still say, even from a distance, even through grief, even through the deepest longing:

“I hope life, treats you kind
And I hope that you have all
That you ever dreamed of
And I wish you joy
And happiness
But above all of this
I wish you love
And I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you”

About 2 weeks ago, I was privileged to visit Chicago for the first time. I was there for the first-ever Family Summit, the vision of Dr. Joshua Coleman, and an event hosted by Mending Space Retreats (founded by Nancy Kerry).

Unlike the first-ever Mother’s Day Retreat in Lake Tahoe, I found the Chicago event more uplifting. For me, the Mother’s Day Retreat was beautiful and a valuable experience, but emotionally harder while living and working in the land of estrangement and without my own beloved mother. It seems holidays make life harder sometimes.

For me, the start of the Chicago event was highlighted by meeting Jennifer Hershon (author of “Now You See Me, Now You Don’t”) face-to-face and rooming together like college besties. We really had a great time.

The evening before the event, we attended Aimee and Heather’s (P.E.A.C. International) happy hour, which was another blessing. Meeting Aimee and Heather face-to-face after working together for several years was both fun and heartfelt.

Then the opportunity to see other kindred spirits I met in Lake Tahoe felt like a mini reunion on this estrangement journey. Lastly, meeting, listening to, and embracing the new parents who showed up for the first time was a reminder of why I do what I do.

No, we are not alone. We are not disposable people. We are all valuable human beings whose hearts, stories, presence, and beings matter. We matter immensely.

On Friday, we gathered for the daylong Chicago Family Summit. Nancy Kerry once again worked tirelessly, using all her many gifts and talents, to pull together a magnificent event. We are all grateful for her and to know her. If you’ve been honored to hear her personal story, you know why she does what she does so passionately. Thank you, Nancy.

Dr. Joshua Coleman opened the Summit by examining how cultural changes and shifting expectations and perspectives across generations can shape family relationships. As the Pioneer in raising awareness of modern-day family estrangement, he wrote his first book, “When Parents Hurt,” a validating resource that offered understanding during the transitional period of launching children into adulthood. His next book, “Rules of Estrangement,” provided content to help parents navigate the complexities and ambiguous grief of family estrangement. From reading his first book to attending his first-ever training for professionals (2021), I have admired Dr. Coleman’s wisdom and work. Finally meeting him in person at Lake Tahoe was a great experience, and I enjoyed his sense of humor. Something I truly appreciate and share on this journey called life. I’d rather laugh than cry.

My key takeaways from his talk were that the United States has particularly high levels of individualism and family estrangement. He discussed how therapists, including those working from trauma-informed approaches, have sometimes been described as “detachment brokers”, a term used by sociologist Allison Pugh and presented by Dr. Coleman—potentially contributing to or reinforcing family estrangement when therapists themselves are not sufficiently trauma- or relationship-informed. He also challenged the tendency toward parent-bashing and the over-reliance on parents for who their children ultimately become. He pointed to research indicating that parenting is only one of many factors influencing development, with some estimates suggesting that it accounts for roughly 20–25% of the variation in adult outcomes.

So, attending the Chicago event was another chance to greet him in person, gain his wisdom, and see him off on his next adventure!

Dr. Karl Pillemer was one of the presenters, and it was great to meet him and hear about his research from the Cornell Estrangement and Reconciliation Project. He is the author of “Fault Lines”, which was one of my first books to read after Dr. Coleman’s work. I highly recommend it.

I really liked how Dr. Pillemer emphasized the recommendation to focus on building a new relationship if and when reconciliation presents itself. He talked about how people can have genuinely different memories and views of the same event. So, he suggested giving up on trying to reconcile the past, since both parties believe their version is reality, which can only perpetuate the conflict. My favorite comment of his was that families are still the strongest and most reliable source of support. They are the engines of love, acceptance, and care, and today’s families can last for decades.

Dr. Kristina Scharp brought relief to estranged parents by sharing through her research that estrangement is not forever. She sees conflict as an opportunity for change. She encouraged the audience living in the land of estrangement to see themselves on a journey and know that change is possible. The uncertainty of living with estrangement and ambiguous grief is the wellspring of hope. She talked about resilience and how improving communication skills can be helpful. My favorite comment from her was “shame cannot survive being spoken.” I loved this as I know so many estranged parents who suffer in silence and isolation. Our stories are our own, and we have a right to talk about how life has unfolded for us. Hiding in shame is not helpful and is certainly not a pathway to healing. Our stories matter.

MSW therapist Michele Weiner-Davis’s words were the most meaningful and impactful for me. She bravely shared her own family's experience with divorce, estrangement, and ambiguous grief. My favorite statement from her, as a couples’ therapist myself, was, “You cannot be a good couples’ therapist if you use emotional cut-off as a mode of managing relationships.” I would stretch that to include all therapists, not just couples’ therapists. She talked about how distance does not dissolve pain; it preserves it. The pain does not disappear; it just changes address.

So much of her talk, her words, and her wisdom from lived experience resonated with me in my own story and work. The wake of estrangement and emotional cut-off reaches far and wide within family systems. The generations to come, particularly all the little children, all the grandchildren, are my why.

Family conflict is an opportunity to grow as a family. Michele challenged us to stop expecting the hurt to go away and to start stretching our hearts beyond it.

Matthias Barker, LMHC, impressed me on multiple levels. He is super intelligent and articulate and presented well. I had heard that he primarily supports adult children’s perspectives, but I also heard his own story that day. Like me, Matthias was born to a father who was or became an alcoholic with whom he became estranged. That is part of my own lived experience as well, so both of us get it firsthand and do not judge adult children who must navigate that difficult life choice. We understand.

Matthias did an excellent job discussing and presenting ways for estranged parents to prepare for possible reconciliation. He highlighted the choices: to stay stuck in the injustice or to look for clues to move forward and grow, regardless of the unfairness. He also talked about the need to focus on the impact of our parenting, regardless of our intentions. I found his youth and his expertise encouraging and hopeful.

It was a pleasure to see Rachel Haack in person for the second time this year. I adore her as a beautiful woman, devoted mother, and an old soul wise beyond her years. She is brilliant and articulate, with a passion for families and mama hearts—especially those living in the land of estrangement. Rachel seemed to take a step back in her talk and give us a fresh view of how families naturally destabilize. When this occurs, as change is inevitable, it can be an opportunity to pay attention. Something important is unfolding, and we don’t have to let go; we can hold on and reorganize if we are willing. I loved that she talked about attachment being primal, older than language. And that we need to help heal rifts and not help people feel more comfortable walking away. Again, like Matthias, her youth and her expertise give me hope for all of us living and working in the land of estrangement. And the best news: some of her daughters participate in these Mending Space Retreats, and they are our future too.

Last but not least, Tania Khazaal spoke from her own lived experience. Not only did she have an estrangement with her mother and reconcile with her, but she was also estranged from her sister, who was present at the Family Summit. What a testimony to learn of this. She wisely talked about learning how to regulate your own nervous system and practice engaged detachment. Learn to stay present and loving without making any estranged relationship the measure of your peace or identity. Such wisdom! I really loved her suggestion to estranged parents to send a postcard (others mentioned this too), not a full letter, as a way to gently reach out from time to time. I was able to tell her how much I respect her ability to see her mother as a human being with her own story, needs, and limitations. I admire that strength of character in an adult child, and hope that more of our youth can grow in that capacity as well.

All in all, it was a great experience personally and professionally. Thank you to all who showed up, did the work, and continue to support those of us living and working in the land of estrangement.

Chicago, until we meet again…

An Invitation to My Paid Subscribers

One year ago, I hit “publish” on my very first Substack post. I had no idea where this journey would lead, but I knew I wanted to create a place where people experiencing family estrangement could feel seen, understood, and less alone.

As my first anniversary on Substack approaches on August 11, I’ve been reflecting on…

Read more

Recently I finished this heartfelt book by Michelle about her journey as a loving, devoted mom navigating estrangement. It is beautifully written, practical, and filled with insights that can help anyone walking this path.

I was surprised and deeply honored to see her reference me and my work, alongside Dr. Josh Coleman. What a blessing to know that my own transformative pain-to-purpose journey and the work I do are being used to help others.

If you are on this journey, please know you are not alone. So many parents today are dealing with this heartbreaking reality and must develop resilience as they carry the weight of ambiguous grief.

I highly recommend this book. I also love the poignant cover photo and Michelle’s stance of leaving the door open if and when they return.

May love remain.

Available on Amazon

https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Me-Mothers-Ideological-Estrangement/dp/B0H211CNLH

My workbook, 12 Step Workbook Living in the Land of Estrangement for Estranged Parents and Grandparents, has sold well over 300 copies since publication. Thank you to all of you who have purchased this workbook and who support my work. However, there are only 8 reviews on Amazon. If you have found the workbook helpful to you on your journey of living in the land of estrangement, kindly leave a review for others to see.

Thank you!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GSPD2372/

When the moments become memories. Remembering Mom.

August 4, 2019

The most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. Her battle with breast cancer started in 2007. This photo was at my youngest brothers wedding after her mastectomy. Look at that smile. Look at that radiant face. If you knew my mom you could not help but fall in love with her. She had the sweetest, kindest, albeit stubborn spirit ever. She was gullible and funny, innocent and smart. Always surrounded by family, lifetime friendships and friends who became family. Moms life was hard from the moment she became a mother herself and very soon lost her own mother. Yet she never complained. She didn’t complain about her life struggles. She just lived every day one day at a time. She took delight in the little things and spent most of her life caring for others. After 10 years her cancer returned to her bones and we moved her back home to family. We were so grateful for the care she received and extension of her life to be surrounded by family and reconnected with friends. Two weeks ago riding home from my sons engagement party she started crying and said, “so I’m with you when you take your first breath, and you are with me when I take my last”. How prophetic. Wednesday she told my sister n law, and later my daughter and myself that she had died, saw Jesus and he said she could stay as long as she wanted. Just yesterday she told that same sister n law that she was going this weekend. I held her hand to the very end. At about 4:20 today she saw Jesus again. I love you mom always and forever and I will see you again very soon. Love, Berta

As a professional who has personally navigated estrangement during my lifetime, I have found the ability to transform pain into purpose. I feel like I am one of the lucky ones. That being said, I have specialized in supporting those who are caught in the challenging life experience of broken family bonds.

Although I have been a licensed therapist for 20 years, my private practice has expanded to family estrangement as an area of expertise, and supporting these clients is now the majority of my caseload.

In my commitment to continued personal and professional growth, I have been fortunate to participate in many of the events Dr. Coleman and Mending Space Retreats (Nancy Kerry) have created and offered this year.

This photo of Aimee, Heather, Jennifer, and me was taken on the eve of the Chicago Family Summit hosted by Dr. Coleman and Mending Space Retreats. Aimee is the founder of P.E.A.C. International (Parents of Estranged Adult Children). As an estranged mother, Aimee founded P.E.A.C. in 2017 and has been amazed to watch this support organization grow from her own desire not to be alone. To date, approximately 5,000 estranged parents have participated. This is powerful evidence of the tremendous need for support surrounding this national tragedy.

Aimee and my paths first crossed years ago when I spoke for her P.E.A.C. support groups on the topic of grief during the holidays. Later, I was invited back to speak alongside a formerly estranged mother sharing her reconciliation story with her adult child, and how coaching with me became one small step in that healing process.

Needless to say, Aimee is a beautiful woman, both inside and out. She cares deeply for those who are navigating the ambiguous loss of a broken relationship. We are truly kindred spirits.

Aimee’s sidekick and right-hand woman is Heather, pictured here with Jennifer and me. Also an estranged mother, Heather devotes herself tirelessly to supporting others. She facilitates numerous P.E.A.C. support groups and dedicates countless hours to keeping the organization running smoothly. Her generosity and commitment are inspiring.

Aimee, Heather, and my friend, colleague, and Chicago roomie, Jennifer, are reminders that none of us has to travel this journey alone. What a tremendous blessing it was to meet face to face, share hugs, hearts, laughter, and time in Chicago. I adore these women! I’m grateful to know them.

This past winter, when I created the 12 Step Workbook for Living in the Land of Estrangement, Aimee was certainly one of my biggest fans and greatest encouragers. Since its publication in March of 2026, I have spoken monthly on the corresponding step for each month of the year. Tonight, I will be speaking on Step 8 for the eighth month of the year—August.

Kindly, Heather facilitates the group with me each month. I love working alongside her, getting to know her more, and deeply appreciate her devotion.

Although our monthly virtual support group through the P.E.A.C. platform follows the 12-Step Workbook for Living in the Land of Estrangement, using the workbook is not required. However, if you would like to purchase a copy, it is available on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GSPD2372/

If you would like to attend tonight’s virtual P.E.A.C. support group at 8:00 p.m. (EST), please register through the P.E.A.C. website:
www.peacinternational.org

If you are looking for a pathway forward—a renewed sense of hope, a smile on your face, and the ability to find joy even in the midst of sorrow—we would love for you to join us.

I hope to see you there.

We are not alone.

Please join us.

Live and in person! What a gift it was to meet Jennifer face-to-face!

Neither of us can recall when we actually started connecting and working together. We vaguely remember Aimee Palmer of P.E.A.C. connecting us when Jennifer first started working on her vision for a professional nonprofit to help support those navigating estrangement.

Without ever meeting, we both had seen this need over the years. Most especially, the need to provide a resource list of professionals with expertise in navigating family estrangement in every single state. The need to support families with this story is immense, but the organization and platform remain elusive.

As with any grassroots effort, it takes time and participation to create, and oftentimes the motivation and sincere efforts just fizzle out. Fast forward to today, we are both working diligently (for free) toward a similar goal: the growing coalition, ESMH (www.esmhcoalition.org).

Our vision and mission, which started with KATT of Make It Make Sense, along with numerous other professionals and parents, is to bring more awareness and professional accountability to what is happening to the breakdown of families today.

Jennifer and I have become closer over the past year, writing on Substack and supporting each other’s work and stories. We are both passionate about this work, that neither of us chose, but that actually chose us.

We both have lived experiences that propel us onward and upward. We have both published books this year to help support those living in the land of estrangement. We speak, support, write, coach, educate, and advocate for estranged parents while simultaneously surviving our own stories, with those smiles on our faces today.

Yes, there is life after loss.

A blessing is that we both have a great sense of humor. Her gifts and talents, particularly in the area of technology, far surpass mine, as you can see by my efforts to crop the photo of us! Lol!

Regardless, we are both doing our best, with what life has given to us.

If any of you who attended the Family Summit in Chicago would like to join us for a Zoom chat to process this event, please let us know. We are talking about offering one.

In it with you.

In it together!

This beautiful statue greeted me at the entrance of the Theater on the Lake in Chicago, Illinois. I had to pause and absorb it and then discover its story upon my return home. However, the portrayal of a mother embracing and carrying children did not escape me as I live and work in the land of estrangement.

The concrete ideal of steadfast, protective love from mothers who continue to hold and care for another even when the weather changes, the storms arise, and the work is heavy. Yes, that concrete steadfast love was waiting for me in the hearts of those other estranged parents and alienated grandparents who attended the first Family Summit, a vision of Dr. Josh Coleman.

As I entered this event hosted by Mending Space Retreats, an aspiration of Nancy Kerry, an event planned with a day fully focused on the brokenness of families and the broken hearts of those mothers and fathers, I knew I was in good company.

I know we are not alone.

This Summit brought together Dr. Josh Coleman with Dr. Karl Pillemer, Dr. Kristina Scharp, Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, Matthias Barker, Rachel Haack, and Tania Khazaal. All of these speakers contributed their personal or professional expertise to the conversation around family estrangement and relationship challenges. I was honored to hear their talks and then meet and chat briefly with each one of them. Some I met for the first time, and others I have been working alongside advocating and supporting estranged parents for years.

However, my greatest gift from being there is meeting the other estranged parents and alienated grandparents. So many incredible people trying to learn to walk again after surviving and enduring one of the most horrific life experiences for them ever. And may I not forget those who were coming for the first time. Those who were speaking their story for the first time. Those who were choosing to stop traveling alone. I saw you. I heard you. I’m glad to know you now.

As estranged parents, not only is it devastating to be without a connection to the very child you loved and raised, or the grandchildren you treasured and adored, but to then be blamed and held as the one accountable for it happening and for the one solely responsible for any possibility of repair and reconciliation is simply unfair, unbalanced, unkind, and unjust.

I think one of the most profound and meaningful things I heard was from the speaker Michele Weiner-Davis. She confidently declared that emotional cut-off is not okay. No, it is not okay; it is not healthy; it is not helpful, and frankly, it is just not the only way. In addition, for the vast majority of those living in the land of estrangement, it is not even their choice.

Michele’s profound comment and conviction were born from lived experience. Yes, no textbook knowledge or wisdom of the ages can surpass the life experience of estrangement. Family cut-offs wound us at the deepest level of our humanity.

Yes, many estrangements are warranted due to severe abuse, but that is not all. It certainly is not the majority of the estranged parents who are investing time, money, and emotional resources to find their way through this life experience they did not choose. My heart goes out to them. My voice rises for them. I see you, I hear you.

Family estrangement has been framed as the result of failed parenting for far too long. It simply is not true. I have been a professional therapist for 20 years now. I am appalled to have those in my own field promote the false narrative that estranged parents are the abusers and the adult children are the survivors. The evidence does not support that. It’s part of the false narrative our society and culture have created, promoted, and projected as truth.

When I see this statue, I see myself as the mother whose priceless dreams came true. All I ever wanted was to be a mother. I babysat as a young girl and was fortunate to have a baby brother born into my home when I was a young teen. I played with dolls way beyond the age my brothers thought was appropriate. I married young, with the sole purpose of having children. Fortunately, and quite easily, I had my first child born a month before our first wedding anniversary. I was in love with that precious bundle before I laid eyes upon them. I devoted decades to raising them and their siblings. I quit my government job, sold my car, and cashed in my retirement to be a stay-at-home mother because I could not trust anyone else with the most precious being I had ever known.

Fast-forward to now, and I will be the first to tell you that nobody, nobody ever prepared me for the launching and leaving part of motherhood. Nobody gave me the guide or showed me the way. Like many parents, I did the best I could with what I knew, what I had been given. And my intentions were always surrounded in love. I was a good mother. No, not a perfect one, but a decent, loving, caring, and good mother.

Holding them, cuddling them, carrying them, raising them, celebrating them, giving to them, loving them, and more was never heavy work. The heavy work is living in the land of estrangement without them.

To be given an outcome of all this love and investment to be one of living in the land of estrangement is beyond unfair; it is actually surreal. At times, even cruel.

My heart and my passion are for all of us parents who live in a time of life that makes emotional cut-off not only possible, but positive. I hear you, I care, and for those I met in Lake Tahoe and in Chicago, I would choose to be friends with you.

I would love nothing more than to wrap your broken hearts up and carry them home. Let’s sit by my pool and chat the hours away. Tell me about that child, tell me about all the wonders of their life and what you long for today. Tell me of those hopes and dreams that were cut short, cut off. Like the mother in this statue, I carry your hearts with me.

Dear estranged parents. I know, I understand, and I am more hopeful and encouraged from the conversations that took place in Chicago. Not just with the older and wiser professionals and parents like me, but the younger generation that is aware, paying attention, and speaking up was present and involved too. They are our future. It’s not over until it’s over.

My faith sustains me. My hope secures me. My love outlasts me.

It’s not over until it’s over. Let’s carry this forward together. You are not alone.