The NBA referees have been calling more flops in the first two weeks of this season than ever before, and it’s been kind of confusing. Every NBA fan agrees that they could call a flop on pretty much every play, so all of the calls seem somewhat unfair. While we want consistency, we also want to see uninterrupted basketball, and those things are mutually exclusive in this case. Therefore, I’ve heard a lot of fans saying the flopping calls are dumb.

But I actually want them to call more flops.

I know it’s silly, and it’s going to make for bad games for about a month. But players will adjust, they’ll stop flopping so much, and the game will be better. Plus, only Sickos are watching November basketball anyway, and we’ll appreciate this investment in the long term quality of the game.

More than likely is that refs stop calling flops altogether by December and we won’t think about this until next October. But I hope we see at least one flopping call every quarter of every game until Christmas.

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2. Eight jokes about Jusuf Nurkic’s suit

• He looks like a middle schooler’s article when their teacher tells him to highlight only the important details.1

• I guess Curious George is off somewhere completely unsupervised?

• Oh look! He’s doing a group costume in the fan in the background!2

• His shirt has drawstrings. (That’s not a joke, but it is weird.)

• If he was a diaper he’d have a thick blue line running head to toe.3

• He thought it was pajama day.4

• 🎵 Look at the staaaars, look how the shine fooor yoooooooou 🎵

• His team, the Jazz — who have actively tried to lose games for years and years before finally trying to win this year— are currently 1-5. Haha that’s what you get.

3. Nikola Vucevic was in Uncut Gems?

Kind of.

I was listening the Celtics/Magic game on Sirius XM and heard this double-trivia fact from the play-by-play commentator5: he reminded his co-host that Vuc didn’t start his career in Orlando, but with Philadelphia. Philly drafted him in 2011 and he played that season in the second round of the 2012 playoffs, which the host called “The Uncut Gems series”.

I couldn’t wait to find out how he played in the infamous Game 7 (when KG wins the opening tip-off), but he did not play (DNP). He also got DNP’s in Games 6, 5, 4, 2, and 1.

However, Vuc played 2 minutes and 51 seconds in Game 3. He was 0/1 from the field and 1/2 from the free throw line. Philly was a +3 during his minutes.

Fourteen years later, playing for Boston against Philadelphia, in Boston’s four losses he was a -7, -10, -5, and DNP-Coach’s Decision.6

4. My preferred lamb chops preparation

Grilled and slathered7 with an herby mustard sauce.8

5. LaMelo Ball is a baby

Ernie Johnson asked LaMelo if he, a new father, changes diapers. LaMelo said no, his lady “takes care of all that”. He said they both have their roles, insinuating that he made money and played with the kids, and she did all the gross stuff.

As an established LaMelo-hater and father of a toddler9, I was both unsurprised and disappointed.

I’m being uncharitable with this analysis, but I think it matters enough to really dig into. LaMelo’s entire persona is driven by the pursuit of highlights. I concede that he makes his teammates better, but even his playmaking seems egotistical to me. A true leader doesn’t behave like this on the sideline, and a real man isn’t afraid of a dirty diaper.

You have to be willing to do the hard, unsung work, and I don’t think that LaMelo is that kind of man.

6. I nailed 100% of my preseason predictions

In my Mega Preview that I published before the season, I wrote about all 30 NBA teams and every single thing I wrote about all of them was totally correct.10

7. Some texts from my mom during a Celtics game

• Wondering who I predicted would be her favorite Celtic this season:

  “Is Tatum my guy? He HUSTLES. Generous too. TEAM.”11

• Requesting to attend an NBA game with me:

  “Coukd [sic]12 be bad one. But wiukd [sic] be fun.”

• Remembering last season’s Finals MVP:

  “Drawn to Bromson [sic]. Bromson [sic]13 from from last spring”

• Asking the important questions:

  “Leg sleeves????? Fashion or medical?”

Honestly I didn’t know what to say.

8. NBA League Pass needs to partner again with YouTube TV

I have to switch apps on my Roku to watch national games on YouTube TV and League Pass games on Prime Video. Therefore, I can’t include the national game in a multiview.

Everytime Kirsten brings up how silly it is, I tell her it’s not that bad because I have to justify paying the exorbitant monthly costs to be able to watch every NBA game. But she’s right: it’s terrible.

And even with all that, I still couldn’t watch Payton Pritchard torch the Bulls twice this week because the Bulls are blacked out here in Chicago unless you pay $19.99/month just to watch the hometown team.

But I already pay $84.99/month for YouTube TV and $159/season for League Pass, so that’s out of the question.14

9. I thought I was good at lipreading…

But I’m not on this guy’s level. This is masterful stuff. I will practice my craft and report back when I have something good.

10. Kirsten’s Corner

• On the NBA Cup:

  “Already?!!?”

• On the NBA Cup courts:

  “The NBA Cup courts make me hate the NBA Cup.”

  

• On the Miami Heat’s slow start to the season

  “Giannis looks better in green.”

Every year before the NBA season starts, I do my own preview. This year’s edition has been my most in-depth and best-received yet. If you missed it, you can find it here:

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It is rife with hometown bias of my own. For example, while I expect Philly and New York to be awesome this season, I am clear that their success will bring me great personal anguish. I’m low on Brooklyn, Milwaukee, Washington. I documented Portland’s terrible website design. Even Indiana took a low blow.

So it only feels right that these cities get their defenders.

Eight sportswriters who hail from eight different cities chime in with their own positions on their hometown teams.

All (heavily biased) text that follows belongs to them; all (heavily biased) footnotes belong to me.

-G

ps - (You can read this piece in your email, but the footnotes are much easier to follow along with in a desktop browser or on the Substack app.)

Go to Unadvanced Analytics

Brooklyn Nets

By Rick Stevenson

October is a beautiful month in Brooklyn. The trees in Prospect Park’s Nethermead Meadow are just starting to turn, leaving a stunning spectrum of green to red in panorama. There’s a chill in the air, but a pleasant one, encouraging you to rest, to bundle up1, to enjoy these gorgeous days before the winter comes again.

It’s almost enough to make you forget how downright dismal the Brooklyn Nets have been and still are. Almost, but not quite.

In last year’s preview, I lambasted2 Joe Tsai for saying his goal for the season was “to get a good pick” in the 2026 NBA draft. Since that courageous manifestation, the Nets went 20-62, fell to the #6 pick in the lottery, and Joe Tsai announced he was getting a divorce. “Separation” is indeed an apt word for my feelings on the Nets these days. It’s essentially impossible not to be a Knicks bandwagoner after the wave of joy and triumph that swept the city this spring.3

And yet, I can’t find it in my heart to fully break away from the Nets. Mikel Brown Jr., while surely not the pick ol’ Joe had hoped for, could be a big win, and while Julius Randle gets plenty of guff in NBA fandom spaces, I’ve always liked the guy. I admittedly have misgivings about the rest of the young roster after seeing them get thoroughly thrashed in person last year, and the Michael Porter Jr. of it all makes things harder to swallow. Call me old fashioned, but I find it hard to root for a guy who shows women Andrew Tate videos on a first date “to see how they react.”

With Nic Claxton finally freed of this prison4, the last piece of the Nets era that made me fall in love with the team is gone. Can they win me back? Or like Clara Wu, will I finally learn to say when enough is enough? Either way, they aren’t winning 25 games.

Dallas Mavericks

By Cameron Little

The 2026-27 NBA season is almost here and with it comes the stark realization that Dallas is just going to the suck. And I feel many things about it.

The acquisition of Cooper Flagg feels disingenuous. Dallas did not deserve a replacement because of He Who Shall Not Be Named5 making a decision only made to look like it wasn’t the worst move ever made because the Clippers organization exists. I feel weird even pretending the NBA doesn’t fix drafts all the time. But this is supposed to be about the Mavericks season predictions.

So, let’s go there: this team will fucking suck. Kyrie will probably get traded somewhere for assets if he even remotely resembles shades of 2024 or prior. He asked to stay but I think that was just to avoid rehabbing on a new team. The roster aside of that looks dismal featuring pieces of the Luka era, some random guys, and the ghost of perpetual Maverick, Dwight Powell, haunting the bench. The only bright spot is a lanky white boy named Cooper which is such a sad fucking series of words to type. Yeah, he could be really good. But I do not trust this organization to build around him any more than I would trust a rabid dog to solve a Rubik’s cube.6 The owners suck. The vibes suck. And the only reason they won’t be the worst in the league is because Brooklyn, New Orleans, and Chicago also exist.7 That and White Boy Coop.

My only hope for this season is that someone convinces Flagg to shave or grow a whole beard.8 He looks like the worst guy working at the used car dealership who can’t wait to sell you a “big d— car for a big d— guy.”

Indiana Pacers

By John Linder

Last year my bravado got the best of me as I mocked the Unadvanced Analytics gods who subsequently pounded9 my Pacers into dust… a devastating 19 wins… lesson in humility learned.

I have cautious optimism for the Pacers. Halliburton is back after a 16-month absence from an Achilles injury, and the whole team appears to be healthy. So…

Is this a bounce-back year? Are we a dark horse title contender?

Will Halli be the same, better, cautious? Will Zubac anchor the middle providing quick accurate passing and play well with Siakam? Will the other veteran newbies10, Oubre & Nance, be the solid playmakers and contributors we think? Will Coach Carlisle be a tactical Zen Master empowering and guiding his playmakers to their full potential?

Hell if I know!

I do know when the team was founded in 1967, a group decided to name the team in honor of the local racing traditions of Indiana: the Indianapolis 500 and harness horse racing. In both events, there are “pacers” … who set speed, energy, motivation.

In this spirit, I expect the Pacers to play with relentless speed, and determination. To be Full-Throttle… to maximize transition offense, to utilize quick decision making and precision passing, and to exhibit relentless off-ball motion. In other words… to be Pacers!

So I pick OVER for the 43.5 o/u wins.

The Pacers are alive!11

They have found their way home
from wandering in an unknown land
we no longer dream, but fervently yearn
for a new step, and a new return
For we are not dead, nor are we away
The Pacers are alive! And are here to play
LET’S HOOP!

Milwaukee Bucks

By Thadaeus Anderson

When I think about the upcoming Bucks season, I have to remind myself that the Brewers are in the World Series.

I have famously declared that I deleted the whole “Cause for Concern” section12 of a previous edition of Hometown Bias, but this year’s entry is exclusively cause for concern.

The outlook for the Bucks is tremendously bleak. This is a roster constructed to fill in the gaps around a superstar who is no longer around. It’s a little bit of a relief to be free of the high expectations that defined the last few seasons of Giannis’s time in Milwaukee and I’m glad to not feel like we’re being held hostage anymore, but I’ll be pretty surprised if the Bucks aren’t the worst team in the league.

It would be one thing if the team was just bad with something to look forward to in terms of player development. Previously the Bucks have been bad but had players like Brandon Jennings (didn’t pan out)13 and Giannis (very much panned out) to watch with the future in mind. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m psyched to watch Tyler Herro put up 30 points on 40 shots14 while the Bucks lose by 50 night after night this year.

I’m going under on 25.5 wins, but even that provides little solace because the Bucks don’t control their first round draft pick next year (or the year after).15

Go Brewers.

New York Knicks

By David Watkins

Harkening back to my write up on the Knicks last year,16 I got the opportunity to hear Mike Breen exclaim “The New York Knicks are your NBA Champions”. It was a magical and dominant playoff run for my Knicks, fueled by cohesion and chemistry, and resulting in a title that I thought I may never see.

This year, however, I’m not as high on the Knicks.17 I think the Knicks will be a good regular season team, but the loss of Mitchell Robinson, playoff hangover, and players on the team eating to be paid their dues will tax this team. The talent is there, but I think the mindset will falter. Let’s not forget, before their playoff run, the Knicks had waves of bad vibes throughout the regular season, often centered around KAT and his place in the offense. He has found his place in the offense but not on the payroll.

Last year, they had me worried that we wouldn’t even make it past the first round. The 2 losses to the Hawks in the first round REALLY had me worried. The team was able to lock in and get it done last year, but now that the ultimate mission has been accomplished, I’m skeptical that it can happen again. Taking into consideration that there has not been a back to back champion in 9 years, there have already been preseason grumblings from players about not getting paid, and a stacked East, I’m taking the under on this year’s team and I anticipate a 2nd round exit.18 Who knows though, maybe I’ll see this team defy the odds and get to hear Mike Breen say it twice.

Philadelphia 76ers

By Ava Forman

Every true, diehard Philly sports fan19 can tell you exactly where they were the morning of July 24, 2026, because that was the moment the final piece seemingly clicked into place in the decade-long process. After months of suspense, the GOAT20 announced he would be ending his career as a Philadelphia 76er.

Now, I don’t think many Sixers fans envisioned adding not one, but two All-Star superstars in LeBron James and Jaylen Brown21 as the next step in the process. But with a roster boasting an almost absurd amount of talent alongside Tyrese Maxey, Joel Embiid, and VJ Edgecombe, trust in the process might just be at an all-time high.

Of course, this is Philadelphia, and no amount of star power can erase the familiar concerns. Embiid’s health is always a question mark, LeBron isn’t getting any younger, and we’ve learned the hard way that talent on paper doesn’t always translate to success on the court.22

The difference this season? Depth. For once, the Sixers’ success doesn’t rest entirely on Embiid remaining injury free. With the offseason acquisition of Jaylen Brown23, Maxey continuing to establish himself among the league’s elite, and Edgecombe poised to build on a promising rookie season, this team has enough star power to comfortably remain in playoff contention even while managing Embiid’s and LeBron’s minutes. That, I believe, will be the difference maker and why I’m confidently taking the over on 50.5 wins.24

Portland Trail Blazers

By Paul Tucker

While I haven’t found a pick-up run to match the joy of the Chicago improviser weekly game, I’m impressed with basketball culture in Portland. Many outdoor basketball courts have roofs built over them to play in the (overexaggerated25) rainy season. Extra bonus for a pale one like me is the shade provided.

My friend, Reed, grew up worshipping Clyde the Glide from afar in Lyle. As an adult, he semi-regularly attends games, but has the worst luck. He never got to see a Blazers win in person until last season!26 Then we found ourselves rooting against first-round Wemby in Mt. Hood mural adorned Hop Haven. Though getting summarily dismissed, we rode that playoff berth into sweet summer when the W returned to Portland.

The Fire reached unexpected heights for an expansion team, supported by some of the best attendance in the league. At the opening game, I spied sports couples royalty Jrue and Lauren Holiday (her soccer career with the USWNT isn’t talked about enough imo)! I’ll be rooting for Jrue, Dame, Cling Kong, and the boys except on 12/26 and 1/26. Taking the over.

Miscellaneous:

• The Blazers pinwheel is the only logo in sports symbolizing both teams. Five on five, red clashing with white.27

• Tom Dundon, oof. Richer than Croesus28 on the back of predatory lending practices and it shows. He is a leech on tax dollars, threatened to move the team to get his way, used an LLM to write a note reassuring season ticketholders, and has a competing bid against Portland for an MLB expansion team in Raleigh. Blech.

• Moda Center should go back to being named the Rose Garden. It doesn’t need renovating, it’s already perfect because Paul Allen put in an apartment for his mom so she could go right to bed after late games.

Washington Wizards

By Jacopo Gliozzi

Like all Wizards fans, I suffered through yet another season of wins in the teens last year. Once again, my preseason hopes for a change were dashed by 82 games of shameless tanking.29 Why should this year be any different?

1. The tanking paid off, resulting in No.1 draft pick AJ Dybantsa, the top scorer in last year’s NCAA.

2. Veteran all-stars Trae Young and Anthony Davis are here to marshall the starting lineup, bringing a level of playoff experience and maturity that has been sorely lacking.

3. The rest of the lineup is one of the youngest in the NBA, and will keep improving as the season develops.

A 35 in the W column is a bold jump for a team whose last two seasons combined amounted to 35 wins, but I’m ready for the light at the end of the tunnel. I am willing to believe that Trae Young isn’t washed,30 that Anthony Davis will stay healthy all year,31 that Alex Sarr will become a true rival to Wemby32, and that the Wizards will compete for the play-in. Watch out NBA, there’s a new team to reckon with.

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…and all season long!

17

This Mega Preview is loaded with ideas about every team. There is analysis, such as players’ abilities to mesh with their new teammates, and the strategies a new head coach may employ. And there are plenty of unadvanced notes, ranging from the sum of each team’s starting jersey numbers to the player on the roster most likely to become my mom’s favorite.

The article can be enjoyed in your email inbox, but is best suited for an online browser or the Substack app, which make it much easier to read footnotes (of which there twenty-five) and allow you to vote in various polls throughout the piece. Plus, due to its length, it will likely get clipped in your email inbox. You should really just go directly to the post.

Visit Unadvanced Analytics

Lastly, please consider sharing this Mega Preview with the basketball fan in your life. At 6,000 words, there is something for everybody, Sicko and Casual alike.

Thank you.

-G

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If you are reading this online or in the Substack app, you can jump to any team by way of this menu:

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LAL | MEM | MIN | NOP | OKC

PHO | POR | SAC | SAS | UTA

Eastern Conference

Atlanta Hawks

Starting Jersey Sum: #33

Depth Chart

• CJ McCollum (#3)

• Nickeil Alexander-Walker (#7)

• Dyson Daniels (#5)

• Jalen Johnson (#1)

• Onyeka Okongwu (#17)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 2014 Miami Heat (#34)

Analytics

• The Hawks took two games off the Knicks with some McCollum Magic last year, but I think it runs out this season and he is traded by the deadline.

• I’m not convinced that Nickeil Alexander-Walker’s miracle season was more than a flash in the pan.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Lu Dort

• The Hawks have players named RayJ and Kingston1, so I’ll be calling them the R&B-Ballers.

• Three of their starters have alliterative names. It’s not quite 100%, but the ATL alliterates at a little rate.

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on November 13?

• Maybe. It’s an NBA Cup game, and it’s a Friday.

Win Total Prediction: Under 43.5

Boston Celtics

Starting Jersey Sum: #165

Depth Chart

• Derrick White (#9)

• Baylor Scheierman (#55)

• Paul George (#13)

• Jayson Tatum (#0)

• Neemias Queta (#88)2

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1949 Minneapolis Lakers (#164)

Analytics

• Last season when the Celtics were rolling, David derogatorily told me that they were a regular season team. I gave him a chance to recant his statement before I saved the receipts: he doubled down. Two months later, they blew a 3-1 lead in the first round and David’s Knicks won the championship.

  Unfortunately, I have immense faith that the Celtics will win at least 52 regular season games, and hardly any faith in their postseason success.3

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Jordan Walsh

• I had to edit the ending to this song, so now I sing “Cause they also have LeBron Jaaaaaames” :(

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on December 30?

• Probably not because I will be in New Hampshire for the holidays. But they visit again on March 9th and I might be able to make that one. If I go, I’ll be in my #5 Kevin Garnett jersey and my daughter will be in her #0 Jayson Tatum onesie (if it still fits her by then).

Win Total Prediction: 🔒Over 51.5🔒

Brooklyn Nets

Starting Jersey Sum: #75

Depth Chart4

• Mikel Brown Jr. (#0)

• Egor Demin (#8)

• Michael Porter Jr. (#17)

• Julius Randle (#30)

• Day’Ron Sharpe (#20)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1951 New York Knicks, 1962 Boston Celtics, and 1963 Boston Celtics (#75)

Analytics

• Julius Randle and Michael Porter Jr. are two of my least favorite players in the league. Now that they’re together, this team is basically unwatchable.

• The Clippers have stolen the league spotlight of the crosstown rival becoming a laughingstock, but the Nets are a quiet dumpster-fire too. While the Knicks won the NBA Finals, the Nets traded for Julius Randle. How could you possibly live in New York and choose to be a Nets fan?

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Oof, I’m not sure. Maybe Day’Ron Sharpe.

• Danny Wolf looks like he’d do well on Great British Bake Off.

  

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on February 27?

• Absolutely not.

Win Total Prediction: Under 24.5

Charlotte Hornets

Starting Jersey Sum: #59

Depth Chart

• Coby White (#3)

• Kon Knueppel (#7)

• Brandon Miller (#24)

• Naz Reid (#11)

• Moussa Diabate (#14)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 2008 Los Angeles Lakers (#59)

Analytics

• From a basketball perspective, I supported the decision to trade LaMelo away while the price was right. But I wonder if Charlotte fans felt about that trade the way I felt about the Jaylen Brown one, if they’d rather just root for the guy they drafted as long as he was an effective player.

• It’s completely ludicrous that Kon Knueppel led the NBA in 3-point makes as a rookie. And LaMelo was in second place by just one make (in nine less games)!5

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Moussa Diabate

• Is Kon Knueppel’s middle name the roman numerals for the number 2? Even his Instagram handle seems to support that thinking. How bizarre.

  

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on March 6?

• I’ve seen them in recent years, but if the ticket is a good price I might hop on the 50 bus.

Win Total Prediction: Under 39.5

Chicago Bulls

Starting Jersey Sum: #58

Depth Chart

• Josh Giddey (#3)

• Norman Powell (#24)

• Matas Buzelis (#14)

• Caleb Wilson (#8)

• Nic Claxton (#9)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1956 Philadelphia Warriors (#58)

Analytics

• The Bulls traded Alex Caruso for Josh Giddey straight up, no picks involved, and that trade seems worse every day. My students love Josh Giddey because he puts up stats and is probably fun to play with on 2K, and because they don’t know anything about basketball.

• Chicago has young superstar players named Caleb Wilson and Caleb Williams. What percentage of baby boys in this city will be named Caleb in the next fifteen years?

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Caleb Wilson

• The guys in my church group think the Bulls will be halfway decent this year and “at least not embarrassing”. While I think that’s true, I also think that 28-54 will be an embarrassing record. Sorry fellas. At least you got the second best quarterback in the 2024 NFL Draft!

How many times will I be seeing them play at the United Center?

• I’ll set the line at 3.5.

Win Total Prediction: Under 29.5

Cleveland Cavaliers

Starting Jersey Sum: #89

Depth Chart

• James Harden (#1)

• Donovan Mitchell (#45)

• Peyton Watson (#8)

• Evan Mobley (#4)

• Jarrett Allen (#31)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1980 Philadelphia 76ers (#89)

Analytics

• The Cavs made the leap to the Eastern Conference Finals, but they got beaten so badly by the Knicks that it felt like they took a step back instead. That’s not fair, Cavs fans, but the cookie crumbled that way.

• Peyton Watson is the player I most have my eye on to start the season in the non-Paul George division. He’s only 24 years old and seems ready to bloom, but I haven’t been as impressed with him as most analysts seem to be.

• The Cavs won 52 games last year and I think they improved this offseason. Why is their win total over/under just 47.5? I’m afraid I’m missing something.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Peyton Watson6

• The Cavs are the most uninteresting team that could possibly be playing in Madison Square Garden on Christmas Day, and they do it at 12:00 pm EST. Unless it’s my daughter’s nap time, I may be skipping that one.7

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on November 23?

• It’s the week of Thanksgiving, so probably not. But they come back on December 3 and I might be able to make that one.

Win Total Prediction: 🔒Over 47.5🔒

Detroit Pistons

Starting Jersey Sum: #83

Depth Chart

• Cade Cunningham (#2)

• Duncan Robinson (#55)

• Ausar Thompson (#9)

• John Collins (#20)

• Jalen Duren (#0)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1949 Washington Huskies (#84)

Analytics

• I don’t want to overreact to the Jalen Duren contract debacle, but it’s hard not to feel like the sky is falling.

• I’m worried that teams have solved the Cade-Duren pick-and-roll (re: playoffs) and that Duren spent his summer negotiating instead of filling the holes in his game.

• I’m an Isaiah Joe believer.

• I am not a Daniss Jenkins or Kevin Huerter believer.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Duncan Robinson8

• John Collins is only 29 years old?!

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on April 2?

• I don’t really want to see the Pistons, but the tickets will probably be cheap enough to lure me down.

Win Total Prediction: Under 49.5

Indiana Pacers

Starting Jersey Sum: #108

Depth Chart

• Tyrese Haliburton (#0)

• Andrew Nembhard (#2)

• Aaron Nesmith (#23)

• Pascal Siakam (#43)

• Ivica Zubac (#40)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1981 Houston Rockets, 2018 Golden State Warriors, and 2019 Golden State Warriors (#108)

Analytics

• Is Tyrese Haliburton the easiest player to root for in the league? His run through the playoffs will be remembered forever, and his achilles injury is arguably the most tragic in NBA history. Now he’s back, and it feels impossible to be anything but giddy to see him play again.

• While I’m nervous about Zubac slowing down the speed that’s made Indiana successful, I have total faith that Haliburton will get the most out of him.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Aaron Nesmith

• (I’m afraid my mom will think Haliburton is too arrogant and will become the one non-Knicks fan who doesn’t like him.)

• Unfortunately, Hali’s undeniable charisma has put into focus for me how little of it Jayson Tatum has. Look for Haliburton to be in commercials for at least three different companies, despite playing in a teeny tiny market.

• I’d like to see a comic strip where a Pacer dunks the ball and the little sound bubble says “Wa-BASH!”9

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on March 29?

• Almost definitely. It’s few days after Kirsten’s birthday and Haliburton is her favorite player ever.10 I should buy tickets now.

Win Total Prediction: 🔒Over 43.5🔒

Miami Heat

Starting Jersey Sum: #55

Depth Chart

• Davion Mitchell (#2)

• Klay Thompson (#11)

• Andrew Wiggins (#22)

• Giannis Antetokounmpo (#7)

• Bam Adebayo (#13)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1947 Philadelphia Warriors (#54)

Analytics

• All summer I was low on this team, but now I’m realizing that the roster is deeper than I thought. Their starting lineup are all defensive stalwarts11, and coming off the bench are a lot of players I like: Simone Fontecchio, Pelle Larsson, Tim Hardaway Jr., and even the shell of Bobby Portis.

• Erik Spoelstra has earned the right to tinker with this roster.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Davion Mitchell

• The Heat interrupt what would otherwise be a 5/5 run of the Central division lining the Eastern Conference in alphabetical order.

• Bam and Giannis are going to be best buds. We’ll see photos of them on a double date at a Cuban restaurant before 2027.

• Miami has the best roster webpage in the league, and the best headshot photographer, too. Nobody else is using shadows to accentuate the muscle definition and bone structure of their superstar players. That’s Heat Culture, baby.

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on December 14?

• Thad, would you rather see Giannis or Milwaukee? Let me know.

Win Total Prediction: Over 46.5

Milwaukee Bucks

Starting Jersey Sum: #65

Depth Chart

• Ryan Rollins (#13)

• Tyler Herro (#11)

• Jaime Jaquez Jr. (#24)

• Kyle Kuzma (#18)

• Myles Turner (#3)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 2013 Miami Heat (#65)

Analytics

• This roster is hopeless, catastrophic, and sad.

• Not only do the Bucks have lots of uninspiring players, but those players are also icky people with loud, objectionable beliefs and/or criminal records: Tyler Herro (ick); Kyle Kuzma (big ick); Kevin Porter Jr. (completely awful).

• The Taylor Jenkins hiring was a good move, but I do wish I could hear Doc Rivers complain about this roster all season.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Jaime Jacquez Jr.

• These two guys look too much alike to be wearing basically the same jersey number.

  

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on January 5?

• Only if Thad buys my ticket.

Win Total Prediction: Under 25.5

New York Knicks

Starting Jersey Sum: #79

Depth Chart

• Jalen Brunson (#11)

• Josh Hart (#3)

• Mikal Bridges (#25)

• OG Anunoby (#8)

• Karl-Anthony Towns (#32)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1958 Boston Celtics, 1958 St. Louis Hawks, 1959 Boston Celtics12, 1960 Boston Celtics, 2026 New York Knicks

Analytics

• Dammit the Knicks are so good.

• They are the clear favorite in the Eastern Conference and it makes me sick.

• I am decidedly not happy for them, despite most media outlets claiming that they are a lovable team. I still have hate in my heart and want bad things for the Knicks.

• Yes, this is technically the analysis section.

• Jalen Brunson is somehow underrated. If the Knicks go over their win total and get the #1 seed in the East, he will win MVP.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: OG Anunoby

• I can’t even imagine the juice that a Pacers-Knicks playoff series would have. Please give it to me.

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on October 28?

• Those tickets will be six hundred dollars.

Win Total Prediction: Over 52.5

Orlando Magic

Starting Jersey Sum: #68

Depth Chart

• Jalen Suggs (#4)

• Desmond Bane (#3)

• Franz Wagner (#22)

• Paolo Banchero (#5)

• Wendell Carter Jr. (#34)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1951 Rochester Royals (#68)

Analytics

• We saw a lot of new Magic head coach Sean Sweeney on the sidelines for San Antonio during the NBA Finals. He was a hot name for a head coaching position and landed one on a team that desperately needed a new voice in the locker room. His addition is my biggest reason to believe in Orlando.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Jalen Suggs

• Collin Castleton looks like he’d rather be in his room, painting.

  

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on March 15th?

• I hope not.

Win Total Prediction: Over 43.5

Philadelphia 76ers

Starting Jersey Sum: #128

Depth Chart

• Tyrese Maxey (#0)

• VJ Edgecombe (#77)

• Jaylen Brown (#7)

• LeBron James(#23)

• Joel Embiid (#21)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1990 Portland Trail Blazers, 1992 Portland Trail Blazers, 2022 Boston Celtics (#129)

Analytics

• Joel Embiid is this team’s X-Factor, and probably the difference between Philly making it out of the East or not. But this team will be awesome even if he never plays a game.

• Philly is must-watch TV every time they play for at least the first couple of months. LeBron is going to mesh really well with Maxey and Edgecomb. Jaylen is going to be Awesome right away. I know expectations are high for Philly, but I actually don’t think they’re high enough.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Jaylen Brown 💔

• It is killing me to say nice things about Philly.

• I already have a Lakers jersey for LeBron, but getting a Philly jersey is a bridge too far.13

• I miss Jaylen so much.

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on November 8th?

• I don’t know. Probably not. But unfortunately I do really want to see them in person. What a cruel world.

Win Total Prediction: Over 50.5

Toronto Raptors

Starting Jersey Sum: #39

Depth Chart

• Immanuel Quickley (#5)

• RJ Barrett (#9)

• Kawhi Leonard (#2)

• Scottie Barnes (#4)

• Jakob Poeltl (#19)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1955 Syracuse Nationals (#38)

Analytics

• I was wrong about the Raptors last year so I’m riding the pendulum too far in the other direction: a year ago I said there was nothing to be excited about with this team; now I’m saying they will be quite good.

• Kawhi Leonard for Brandon Ingram is a certifiable heist, especially since Brandon Ingram has a partially torn achilles.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Scottie Barnes

• The Raptors like a double numbered jersey: Allen Graves (#22), Jamarion Sharp (#33), Allijah Martin (#55), and Jamison Battle (#77)

• The first six Raptors on their roster all have corn rows

  

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on January 17th?

• I might see them.

Win Total Prediction: Over 46.5

Washington Wizards

Starting Jersey Sum: #68

Depth Chart

• Trae Young (#3)

• Kyshawn George (#18)

• AJ Dybantsa (#4)

• Anthony Davis (#23)

• Alex Sarr (#20)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1951 Rochester Royals (#68)

Analytics

• I have a feeling that AJ Dybantsa is the next Anthony Edwards.

• To hit the over, the Wizards have to win more than twice as many games as they did last year. The Pistons did go from 14 wins to 44 wins (and then to 60), so we’ve seen the triple jump just recently. But I just think this team is too fresh to make that kind of leap.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Bub Carrington

• It looks like Deandre Ayton is looking at the camerman’s forehead.

  

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on October 24th?

• Jeez that’s right around the corner. Let me get settled first.

Win Total Prediction: Under 34.5

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Western Conference

Dallas Mavericks

Starting Jersey Sum: #80

Depth Chart

• Kyrie Irving (#11)

• Zaccharie Risacher (#10)

• Cooper Flagg (#32)

• P.J. Washington (#25)

• Dereck Lively II (#2)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1977 Philadelphia 76ers, 1957 St. Louis Hawks (#81)

Analytics

• The Mavericks don’t have as many guys as you think. They have like five guys, but only two legit guys and then a handful of other guys.

• Cooper Flagg is absolutely awesome and he’s only 19 years old. I think Dallas will stink again this season, but he will continue to blossom and be a-okay.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Cooper Flagg14

• Cooper would look so much better without the goatee. Just do the ’stache, dude.

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on January 25th?

• That sounds nice. Cooper and I can both wear our Bean Boots to the game.

Win Total Prediction: Under 34.5

Denver Nuggets

Starting Jersey Sum: #97

Depth Chart

• Jamal Murray (#27)

• Christian Braun (#0)

• Cameron Johnson (#23)

• Aaron Gordon (#32)

• Nikola Jokic (#15)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1974 Milwaukee Bucks (#97)

Analytics

• Now that Jokic confirmed that he will sign his extension next offseason, Jamal Murray is officially on the trading block. Denver will get Second Aproned — just like Boston did — and it’s going to suck. They should be able to keep together this elite duo they drafted and developed, but they won’t be able to because of the de facto hard cap. Jamal Murray will be a Houston Rocket before you know it.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Aaron Gordon

• Emily says that Aaron Gordon is “hotter in person”, but I — not having seen him in person — disagree: he’s very hot in his headshot.

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on November 22nd?

• I hope so.

Win Total Prediction: Under 49.5

Golden State Warriors

Starting Jersey Sum: #71

Depth Chart

• Stephen Curry (#30)

• Brandin Podziemski (#2)

• Yaxel Lendeborg (#1)

• Gui Santos (#15)

• Draymond Green (#23)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1969 Boston Celtics (#72)

Analytics

• It’s sad to say, but Stephen Curry is going to be on a bad team again this year. That’s the price of having a legacy star like Dirk and Kobe: everyone remembers their tenure, and we choose to forget the last years when the teams are hamstrung by their massive contracts and watching the hourglass until the next era begins.

  Of course, it’s awesome that Steph will be a Warrior for life. But this is the price.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Draymond Green15

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on February 9?

• Kirsten and I saw Jimmy Butler’s first game as a Warrior. We got there when doors opened so we could see Steph warmup. Two hours later, he caught fire in the third quarter and set the United Center ablaze. It was a life achievement to see Steph live. I won’t do it again this season.

Win Total Prediction: Under 37.5

Houston Rockets

Starting Jersey Sum: #60

Depth Chart

• Fred VanVleet (#5)

• Amen Thompson (#10)

• Kevin Durant (#7)

• Jabari Smith Jr. (#10)

• Alperen Sengun (#28)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 2011 Miami Heat (#60)

Analytics

• Is Fred VanVleet worth 5 wins? Probably so.

• Has Ime Udoka run his course? The offense went stale at the end of the season and the Rockets looked out of sorts. He’s on my first-coach-fired watch.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Marcus Smart

Thad said he saw Steven Adams at the Lincoln Park Farmer’s Market this summer:

“Not someone who looked like Steven Adams. Steven Adams.

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on December 13?

• I saw them during my #28 Alperen Sengun year. I will not prioritize seeing them this season.

Win Total Prediction: Over 48.5

Los Angeles Clippers

Starting Jersey Sum: #69

Depth Chart

• Darius Garland (#10)

• Bradley Beal (#3)

• Derrick Jones Jr. (#5)

• Rui Hachimura (#28)

• Isaiah Jackson (#23)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1951 Rochester Royals (#68)

Analytics

• Adam Silver’s punishment of the Clippers is so perfectly satisfying. The schadendfreude is strong.

• This team is going to suck. I don’t want to see them play a single second. It’s only unfair that Kawhi doesn’t have to play with them.

• Fourteen more losses is a lot, but I’m hoping this team is that much worse. I’m rooting for them to lose.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Keaton Wagler16

• According to the team website, if you’re a “Wave Maker” Clipper fan, you can unlock these badges somehow:

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on March 27th?

• It might be the cheapest ticket of the season. I still probably won’t go.

Win Total Prediction: 🔒Under 28.5🔒

Los Angeles Lakers

Starting Jersey Sum: #121

Depth Chart

• Luka Doncic (#77)

• Austin Reaves (#15)

• Quentin Grimes (#5)

• Jake LaRavia (#12)

• Walker Kessler (#14)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1965 Los Angeles Lakers (#121)

Analytics

• Luka Doncic has been on six All-NBA teams, but a lot of losing teams as well. This Lakers team will be another.

• Nobody on this team plays perimeter defense.

• Everyone on the Lakers was excited for LeBron to leave. Now that he’s gone, they will win less games and end their season earlier. What does that say about those he left behind?17

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Jarred Vanderbilt

• The Lakers’ roster page is in grayscale. It’s weird but also…sexy?

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on January 2nd?

• Not in a million years.

Win Total Prediction: 🔒Under 46.5🔒

Memphis Grizzlies

Starting Jersey Sum: #66

Depth Chart

• Ty Jerome (#2)

• Cedric Coward (#23)

• Jaylen Wells (#0)

• Cameron Boozer (#27)

• Zach Edey (#14)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 2002 Los Angeles Lakers (#66)

Analytics

• Call me ignorant, but I’m not sure why Cameron Boozer is going to be a guaranteed stud in the NBA. His game in college didn’t strike me as one that would translate to the league. I think he could be a bust. Shrug emoji.

• Ty Jerome can hoop.

• Somehow I’ve never seen Cedric Coward play a second of basketball. That’s a strike on my Sicko record. I’m excited to see him this year.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Scotty Pippen Jr.

• The Grizzlies lead the league in, “Wait, he plays for them?” guys.18

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on March 13th?

• Nah.

Win Total Prediction: Under 29.5

Minnesota Timberwolves

Starting Jersey Sum: #60

Depth Chart

• LaMelo Ball (#1)

• Anthony Edwards (#5)

• Jonathan Kuminga (#24)

• Jaden McDaniels (#3)

• Rudy Gobert (#27)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 2011 Miami Heat (#60)

Analytics

• Without even looking at the win total, I’m going under on the Timberwolves. I’m not a believer in the Ball-Edwards partnership. They’ll be funny in interviews and lack answers in losses.

• Kuminga is in the starting lineup? What?

• Poor Donte DiVincenzo, having fallen victim to the curse of the #0 achilles tear. Get well soon.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Jaden McDaniels19

• I want good things for Minnesota, but I don’t think they’re on track to achieve them.

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on January 14th?

• One of the hottest tickets in town. I’d like to see Ant dunk over someone. I wouldn’t like to see LaMelo do anything.

Win Total Prediction: 🔒Under 48.5🔒

New Orleans Pelicans

Starting Jersey Sum: #54

Depth Chart

• Dejounte Murray (#5)20

• Trey Murphy III (#25)

• Herbert Jones (#2)

• Zion Williamson (#1)

• Yves Missi (#21)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1947 Philadelphia Warriors (#54)

Analytics

• Do the Pelicans know they can improve their team from year to year?

• Kirsten and I saw Zion live during his rookie season and there was so much hope. It’s hard to believe that was twenty-four years ago now.21

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Herb Jones

• I’m not going to link to Saddiq Bey’s headshot because I don’t want to be mean but he’s really let his beard go.

• Kobe Bufkin looks like Jordan Poole if his head swallowed his hair:

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on February 6th?

• Not even if the ticket is free.

Win Total Prediction: Under 28.5

Oklahoma City Thunder

Starting Jersey Sum: #94

Depth Chart:

• Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (#2)

• Cason Wallace (#22)

• Jalen Williams (#8)

• Chet Holmgren (#7)

• Isaiah Hartenstein (#55)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 2005 Detroit Pistons (#94)

Analytics

• The Thunder lost their title defense in a Game 7 against a precocious Spurs team. They will be back with a vengeance and look awesome all season long.

• Last season I predicted they’d win 70 games. I’m not doing that again. But they’re going to win so many games. Maybe even 70, who knows.

• said on that Shai’s highlights are awesome because they can edit out all the foul grifting in post production. Chef’s kiss emoji.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Cason Wallace

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on February 4th?

• I’d love to see them play in person.

Win Total Prediction: Over 62.5

Phoenix Suns

Starting Jersey Sum: #55

Depth Chart:

• Devin Booker (#15)

• Jalen Green (#4)

• Dillon Brooks (#3)

• Miles Bridges (#22)

• Oso Ighodaro (#11)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1948 Philadelphia Warriors, 2012 Miami Heat (#56)

Analytics

• The Suns way overperformed their mark last season. I think they’ll fall back to Earth this year. Five more losses puts them at 40, which hits the Under.

• Devin Booker is making $57 million this season, which is actually less than I thought it was. He’s the 8th highest paid player in the league.22 He’s one of only three players in the top ten paid list who hasn’t won a title.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Duop Reath23

• Oso Ighodaro has the most satisfying name to pronounce in the league.

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on March 11th?

• I will not.

Win Total Prediction: Under 40.5

Portland Trail Blazers

Starting Jersey Sum: #65

Depth Chart:

• Damian Lillard (#0)

• Ja Morant (#1)

• Toumani Camara (#33)

• Deni Avdija (#8)

• Donovan Clingan (#23)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 2013 Miami Heat (#65)

Analytics

• Mr. Garcia at school was telling me that Portland is going to be surprisingly good this season. He’d seen them in a preseason game and was impressed by the talent in their lineup. I expected to disagree with him.

  But he’s right! Behind defensive liabilities in Dame and Ja, they have — wait for it — stalwarts in Toumani Camara, Jrue Holiday, Donovan Clingan, and even Robert Williams III.

  • You may argue that these players are duplicative and won’t share the court, to which I’d say, “Yeah good point, it’s bad to have depth in a roster.” And then I’d say, “Not!”24

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Jrue Holiday

• The player cards on their roster are very confusing. This is terrible design:

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on March 7th?

• I’m not opposed.

Win Total Prediction: Over 41.5

Sacramento Kings

Starting Jersey Sum: #62

Depth Chart:

• Ben Simmons (#25)

• Darius Acuff Jr. (#5)

• Zach LaVine (#8)

• Keegan Murray (#13)

• Domantas Sabonis (#11)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1952 New York Knicks, 1971 Milwaukee Bucks, 2009 Los Angeles Lakers, 2015 Cleveland Cavaliers, 2024 Boston Celtics (#62)

Analytics

• At the end of last season I left myself a note to remind me what to do in this situation:

No matter what happens this offseason, do not take the Over on the Kings. Don’t fall for it. The Kings are the Kings. They will go Under.

• The most hopeful ray of sunlight in Sacramento is that Ben Simmons may be able to revive his career there. I am rooting for him the way I root for Last Chance U guys to make it out of JuCo: maybe if Simmons is good enough, a real team will sign him.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Darius Acuff Jr.

• When you try to look at the Kings roster, this popup appears:

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on March 22nd?

• Happy birthday, Riley. I’ll help you celebrate by not watching the Kings play basketball.

Win Total Prediction: Under 21.5

San Antonio Spurs

Starting Jersey Sum: #57

Depth Chart:

• De’Aaron Fox (#4)

• Stephon Castle (#5)

• Devin Vassell (#24)

• Tobias Harris (#23)

• Victor Wembanyama (#1)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1956 Philadelphia Warriors, 1955 Fort Wayne Pistons, 2013 San Antonio Spurs (#58)

Analytics

• Victor Wembanyama is going to win DPOY and MVP.

• Dylan Harper is going to win 6MOY.

• Stephon Castle will make an All-Star team.

• San Antonio is going to win the title this year.

• It’s time.

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Stephon Castle (who is my mom’s actual favorite player)

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on November 11th?

• This game is my top priority. Who wants to go with me?

Win Total Prediction: Over 59.5

Utah Jazz

Starting Jersey Sum: #87

Depth Chart:

• Keyonte George (#3)

• Darryn Peterson (#22)

• Ace Bailey (#19)

• Lauri Markkanen (#23)

• Jaren Jackson Jr. (#20)

Closest historical NBA Finals comparison: 1970 New York Knicks, 2014 San Antonio Spurs (#87)

Analytics

• After all that, the Jazz have to be good this year. It’s been a whole lot of foolishness to get to this point where they are finally a serviceable basketball team again.

• A seventeen win increase is steep for a team that does not have a winning culture. How am I to back such a leap when no one on the team knows what it takes to win in the NBA?

• If you’ve made it this far and are correctly identifying that my previous two points are in conflict with one another, you have good reading stamina and would do well on the Pre-ACT that my 8th graders had to take last week so they can apply to high schools across Chicago.25

Unadvanced

• Most Likely To Be My Mom’s Favorite Player: Isaiah Collier

Will I be seeing them play at the United Center on December 16th?

• Nope.

Win Total Prediction: Over 37.5

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Awards Predictions

MVP: Victor Wembanyama

DPOY: Victor Wembanyama

ROY: AJ Dybantsa

MIP: Baylor Scheierman

6MOY: Dylan Harper

Clutch POY: Jalen Brunson

ExecutiveOY: Tim Connelly

TeammateOY: Mike Conley Jr.

Hustle Award: Moussa Diabate

NBA Cup Champions: Cleveland Cavaliers

NBA Finals Champions: San Antonio Spurs

Finals MVP: Victor Wembanyama

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…and all season long!

On Sunday Night Football, a quarterback (I think it was Bo Nix) completed an impossible touchdown pass that seemed to travel through the defensive back. Cris Collinsworth asked, “Did he turn invisible?”

But if the defensive back turned invisible, the ball still would have bounced off of him. You wouldn’t have been able to see him, but he still would have been there.

Kirsten suggests that Collinsworth really meant to ask, “Did he turn into mesh?”

2. Drake Maye will be fine

Was last week’s Patriots game the most disappointing regular season game in recent memory, so bad that I asked my brother if there has been a bigger letdown since the 31-0 season-opening asskicking in Buffalo in 2003?

Yes, it was.

Did I watch every play with an increasing sense of dread that the #10 onesie I just bought my daughter may already be a vintage artifact of greatness gone by?

Yes, I did.

And am I sick to my stomach thinking about what will happen against class-of-the-league Buffalo this weekend, wondering if it might be better if we just Ferris Bueller our way to a forfeit instead of watching Mary from Sinners suck the soul out of Drake’s body?

Yes, I am.

But I am absolutely positive that he is our franchise quarterback, that he will be a Patriot until my daughter goes to college, and that he will be just fine.

A few possible explanations for what’s happening to my quarterback:

• Trevor Lawrence picked apart the Pats last week and looked amazing. He was in the 2021 draft, has played anywhere from good football to god-awful football for five years, and is now putting together the pieces. Sometimes, these things wax and wane, and I will be here for the ride.

• Head Coach Mike Vrabel has been terrible in our first three games and it’s clear that he’s lost the locker room. Last week, the Pats jumped offside on two consecutive hard counts, giving the Jaguars a first down without running a play. They are playing undisciplined football, which is the mark of bad coaching.

• Every Pats fan is frustrated with offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels, who has not adjusted to opponents’ adjustments after watching a year of the Pats succeed on film. The offense has looked woefully uncreative, and it’s unsurprising that Maye feels a lot of pressure to make things happen too much of the time.

• We lost Stefon Diggs, traded Kayshon Boutte1, had AJ Brown get hurt an hour into the season, signed Romeo Doubs who has been terrible, and our best receiver is now, somehow, Mack Hollins.

Was Drake’s interception in the end zone to Travis Hunter the worst decision I’ve seen him make, and one that looked more like it would come from a backup quarterback who may never play again?

Yes, it was. It really was that bad.

But I think he’s just going through a slump, and he’s going to be alright.

Is he still my motherfucking quarteback?

Hell yeah he is.

Keep that same energy, haters. Have your fun now, because I’m listening, and I’ll remember what you said.

3. Last week I saw a man driving a Waymo

Whatever movie he’s living out, he’s definitely in the final act of it. He was probably saying, “Yeah, you work for me now!” and the Waymo was saying, “Stop, this isn’t right! This isn’t how it was supposed to go!”

It made me want to rewatch I, Robot.2

4. “I bought this before Elon went crazy”

You’ve seen those stickers on 70% of Teslas in the last couple years, right? Well, I bet you haven’t seen one on an old, beat-up Toyota Corolla like I did.

The owner of that car was just telling the truth: he bought that car before Elon went crazy. Not that his car was made by Elon, or has anything to do with Elon at all. It’s just a statement of fact.

5. A perfect radio ad

I was listening to a Red Sox game on the radio this summer, and when an opposing pitcher walked one of the Sox batters, the announcer said:

That walk is brought to you by North Shore adult diapers. For the heaviest control problems, turn to North Shore.

6. I found this note I made on July 1st under the heading “Automatic Reply”

I am in complete shock and disbelief. I hate Philadelphia. I hate Paul George. I feel completely betrayed by the Celtics front office. This is a historically awful decision that immediately makes the team worse and enrages the fanbase. I absolutely cannot believe what they just did.

This is still my position.

7. Kirsten’s solution to the field goal dilemma in the Virginia Tech/Pittsburgh game

You’ve heard of putting lasers on top of the goal posts.

You’ve heard of extending the goal posts to the moon.

But you haven’t heard Kirsten’s idea:

“The kick is right down the middle, it’s got the leg, but it’s too strong! It’s over the box! No good!”

That would be electric.

8. SiriusXM radio is the only music service I pay for now

That, and renting CD’s from the library, downloading them to my computer, and transferring them to my iPhone like it’s an iPod.

And also buying albums off iTunes. So far I’ve purchased Noah Kahan’s “The Great Divide” and Jack Johnson’s “In Between Dreams”.

Plus all my old favorite music from growing up, which is most of what I listen to anyway.

If anyone can tell me what I’m missing out on by not paying for Spotify or Apple Music every month, let me know.

9. A list of games* that make you seem sexy if you’re good at them

Pool. Ping Pong. Darts. Yo-yo. Bowling. Skee ball. Bocce ball.3 Shuffling cards. Diabolo. Poker. Juggling. Twirling a drumstick.4 Origami. Don’t Break the Ice. Bop It. Pinball. Double Dutch.

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10. A list of games* that do not make you seem sexy even if you’re good at them

Rubik’s cube. Cup stacking. Devil sticks. Sudoku. Cat’s cradle. Twirling a pencil. Jump rope. Hacky Sack. Any video game. Flying a kite.

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11. Casablanca — a perfect movie — features the worst pickpocket of all time

Look closely and see if you can spot the moment he snatches this man’s wallet.

Subtle, dextrous, and efficient are words I would not use to describe this man.

But maybe the most important part of being a pickpocket is knowing your mark, and this crook chooses the most oblivious man to ever live. I guess that’s what makes him The Only Living Pickpocket in Casablanca, and Landry Shamet’s grandfather.

12. Right before I hit publish, I learned…

Christian Gonzalez and Christian Barmore — New England’s best two defensive players — have been ruled out for Week 4 against Buffalo.

Go Pats.

2

My favorite movies about AI are Ex Machina, Her, and Smart House.

As you can see, I’m already embodying the spirit of Ricky Davis.

But if you’ll bear with me, I promise: I can explain myself.

The Infamous Ricky Davis

aka “Wrong Rim Ricky”

Ricky Davis played in the NBA from 1998-2010 and he is infamous for three iconic moments. Those three moments range from simply not good to hilariously awful.

Infamous Ricky Davis Moment #1

The year is 2004. The Boston Celtics are down by eight points to the Los Angeles Lakers in the third quarter of a regular season game. Ricky Davis jumps the passing lane and comes up with an easy steal, leading to a shot opportunity with nobody within 75 feet of him, literally.

Ricky was in the dunk contest just a month before this game. (He did not do well.) So he’s a highflier with a reputation for dramatic finishes, all by himself. It’s reasonable for him to try a cool dunk, even though his team is losing.

As you might expect, he tries to go between his legs, and misses the dunk.

But that’s not what makes this moment infamous.

Ricky is by himself to such a degree that he even gets his own rebound; all of the Lakers assumed he’d make the dunk and didn’t hustle back on defense. (Classic L.A.) So, with his tail between his legs, he lays the ball into the basket for two points.

Well, that’s what he should do. Instead, he goes for another highlight dunk, this time throwing down a windmill dunk.

For the uninitiated, this is like if a server carries out the skillet with the flaming fajita, drops it on the floor, stamps out the fire while everyone watches in horror, picks up the skillet and lights it on fire again while he brings it to the table.

He’s must be so used to missing his attempts in the dunk contest (which he did, a lot) and trying again that he thinks it’s still appropriate to showboat even after driving the boat into the dock.

In the shadow of his humiliation, the dramatic flair looks a lot more like a sad cry for attention.

Infamous Ricky Davis Moment #2

The year is 2003 Ricky Davis is a Cleveland Cavalier, and the Cavs suck. They finish 17-65 and have clear hopes of drafting in the #1 spot.

That possibility is particularly juicy this year because the consensus #1 pick is a kid from Akron named LeBron James.

LeBron represented a promise of salvation for Cleveland, unless you asked any of his future teammates.

Carlos Boozer said that Cleveland already had better players than LeBron on the team; Darius Miles said it was foolish to think a high school kid would be able to turn the team around. And Ricky Davis said that having LeBron on the team would “make things a little bit easier”.

You can forgive Ricky for that measured take on a rookie LeBron, but in January of this year, he said on Tony Allen and Zach Randolph’s “Out the Mud” podcast that Cleveland traded him during the next season because he was too good of a scorer for LeBron to develop alongside him:

“He was scoring a little bit, but I was on fire. He passing my way, I’ma score. So they figured out, ‘We got to kind of get Rick out, cuz if Rick keeps going, I don’t know the pace of how we gon’ develop young fella, how he gonna be the best player in the world?’”

Well, I just did the math for myself on Basketball Reference:

• At the time Ricky was traded on December 16th, LeBron had been averaging 18.5 points per game, including scoring 37 against Boston and 27 against Indiana in the last two games before the trade.

• Conversely, Ricky was averaging 15.2 points per game, including 15 in that game against Boston and 3 in that game against Indiana.

So I have no idea what he’s talking about, and it’s completely indefensible to be this wrong about yourself after being able to think about it for 23 years. I mean it took me like 10 minutes to realize he was wrong.

But both of these moments pale in comparison to the legendary third entry.

Infamous Ricky Davis Moment #3

This is The Infamous Ricky Davis Moment.

March 16, 2003. Cleveland is playing Utah. Up by 25 points with 8 seconds left, Ricky has 28 points, 12 assists, and 9 rebounds: 1 rebound shy of a triple-double.

As he tells it, he had 9 rebounds for the last 8 minutes of the game and was doing everything in his power to collect the last one. But he had an epiphany during his team’s timeout.

With just 6 seconds left in the game, Ricky dribbled up to his own team’s basket, purposely missed a layup on his own team’s rim, and collected the rebound to secure his tenth rebound.

It’s one of the most shameful moments of selfish stat-padding in NBA history, Pre-Legalized Gambling Division. Can you imagine the outcry if a player like Giannis Antetokounmpo did this? (Oh, wait.)1

There are two outcomes of this moment that are both so funny that I can’t decide which is better.

a) The Ricky Davis Rule

The NBA institutes the “Ricky Davis Rule” which stipulates that a shameful attempt at a rebound in the style of this play does not count as a rebound. And they don’t even grandfather in Ricky: they revoke his rebound and he finishes the game without a triple-double.

He sells out all his integrity just for this triple-double and the league says, “Actually, nah.”2

b) Ricky says he “was one rebound or one assist” away from a triple-double “for five games in a row”

This comment comes from the same podcast I referenced earlier.

I pulled up his Basketball Reference page for this season to cross-reference this statement. Not that he’s proven himself to be at all credible but I thought it would be funny.

Here are his stats from the five games preceding the infamous Utah game:

• March 4, 2003: 24 points, 4 rebounds, 1 assist

• March 5, 2003: 6 points, 3 rebounds, 2 assists

• March 7, 2003: 10 points, 3 rebounds, 2 assists

• March 8, 2003: 18 points, 1 rebound, 2 assists

• March 11, 2003: 19 points, 7 rebounds, 7 assists

He wasn’t anywhere near a triple-double in those five games! He is hilariously far away! Imagine saying, “Coach, don’t sub me out yet: I just need 4 points, 7 rebounds, and 8 assists for my triple-double.”

If I’m realllllly trying to see where he’s coming from, I’d say that in the second game of the season, he was kind of close to a triple-double:

• October 30, 2002: 25 points, 7 rebounds, 8 assists

And in January, he was kind of close again:

• January 25, 2003: 16 points, 9 rebounds, 7 assists

And in the very next game he was even closer:

• January 27, 2003: 32 points, 10 rebounds, 8 assists

So in the absolute most charitable reading possible, maybe instead of saying that he was one stat away from a triple double for five games in a row, he meant to say that in three games over the course of five months he was 2 or more stats away from a triple-double.

Which one is funnier?

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I Can Explain Myself

Why is Ricky Davis a role model for my #31 year?

In NBA history, 206 players have worn jersey number 31, and almost all of them played the game with more honor than Ricky Davis.

Here are some of the honorable mentions:

• Shane Battier: The complete antithesis of Ricky Davis. A do-anything-for-the-team guy whose legacy gets better with age.

• Jarrett Allen: An All-Star who admitted the playoff lights were too bright before honing his craft and improving his clutch reputation this postseason.

• Brent Barry: The “Bones” are their dollars.

• Thomas Bryant: Probably the most iconic photo in #31 history. He’s wide open, LeBron! Don’t break the all-time NBA scoring record! He’s got Shai sealed underneath!

• Seth Curry: I could follow up my #30 year by keeping it in the family.

• Shawn Marion: I have it on good authority that The Matrix used to play pickup basketball at Hamlin Park right next door to my church.

• Reggie Miller: The best player to ever wear #31.

When you see this list of options, Ricky Davis must seem not only completely indefensible, but totally idiotic. What is the possible benefit to modeling my #31 year after a player notorious for being selfish and arrogant?

The reason is simple: as a child, I didn’t know any of that, and I loved Ricky Davis.

An aside:

In 2004 I got NBA Live 2005 for Christmas. I played it on my family PC that lived in the computer room.3 Have been indoctrinated into Celtics fandom by my dad — who grew up in Chelsea, Mass and played high school ball in the Greater Boston League4 — I played a lot with Boston and by then, Ricky Davis was on the team.

The best part of that game was the All-Star Weekend feature where you could enter the dunk contest and throw alley-oops off any screen in the arena. I dunked a lot with Ricky Davis, obviously.

I’m talking peak childhood nostalgia.

It’s right around this time that I get my first basketball jersey: a tiny Paul Pierce #34, the best player on the Celtics, but he was no Ricky Davis.

Allow me another aside:5

My favorite hobby was collecting sports cards. I must have been an easy kid to get gifts for. I had binders and binders full of basketball cards.

I was also…not yet the best version of myself.

For my basketball-themed birthday party when I turned 10 or 11, my mom and I decided to give out basketball cards as party favors for my friends. But since I couldn’t stomach the idea of willingly giving away a desirable card, I opened and screened every single pack for any cards I’d be even remotely interested in, took them for myself, and put the rest in the grab bag. I remember my best friend Shawn saying, “These cards are all terrible,” and my reaction was something to the effect of, “You must be unlucky.”6

Anyway.

I had a Ricky Davis card in my collection and I cherished it.

In 2006, when Boston traded him to Minnesota, I was crushed. Crushed!7

I taped his card to a piece of posterboard and used Magic Marker to write “Once a Celtic, Always a Celtic” in crooked letters. Next to him I taped up all the cards I had of former Celtics: Tony Battie, Walter McCarty, Antoine Walker. I remember Shawn laughing at the poster for its melodrama, but I was completely sincere. I would hold Ricky Davis always in my heart, no matter what.

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As I’ve pondered that strong list of #31 players over the month of July, I can’t shake the idea that I have to dedicate this year to Ricky Davis.8 My ten year old self would be befuddled that I would choose anyone else.

And there lies my theme as I turn 31:

As a kid, I didn’t know any of Ricky Davis’ baggage. I just knew that was super athletic and played for my favorite team, meaning that he met all my criteria for being an awesome basketball player.

To be clear, this is not about following the advice of Lydia Tár and separating art from artist. As I’ve made clear, I can plainly see Ricky Davis’ shortcomings and have been critical of him so far.

Rather, I’m choosing to find more chances to enjoy my life this year as I enjoyed my life during childhood.

I fill my life with meaningful activities that will lead to bigger and better payoffs the more I do them:9 I log miles to be able to run a strong marathon; I watch movies to have seen every entry on a famous list; I read books because it’s good for my brain; I do my chores so I can enjoy a clean house afterwards; I write essays with hopes that they’ll be widely read and discussed.

Almost every one of these things was a part of my life in my childhood, but I remember doing them because I enjoyed them in the moment: I loved playing sports; I loved watching movies; I loved reading books even more; I liked taking care of my room; I loved to write.

I’m proud of the way that I’ve maintained — even strengthened — that connective tissue of what has brought me happiness since I can remember. But I often find reasons to complicate my love of a thing when maybe those reasons don’t need to be given attention.

This line of thinking is in line with my childhood love of Ricky Davis. Back then, I didn’t know any better!

• Instead of: He can’t be the best player on a successful playoff team because he doesn’t play a winning brand of basketball.

  • I thought: I just love watching him play.

Here are some examples of ways I’d like to shift my common thought patterns this year:

• From: I feel fast today, but I’ll need to be running much faster in the marathon, so today isn’t a great predictor of how the race will go.

  • To: How lucky I am to be running right now.

• From: I’m not as strong a reader as I used to be.

  • To: My childhood self would be so proud of me for being a lifelong reader.

• From: Once I’m done with these chores, then I can enjoy my home.

  • To: This isn’t my favorite thing to do, but I do love taking care of my family’s home.

• From: I wish more people were reading my writing.

  • To: I take myself seriously enough to exercise my written voice.

In the end, this isn’t my Ricky Davis year because I’ll be mindlessly showboating, putting down future leaders, or chasing empty stats.

This is my Ricky Davis year because my younger self would have loved that, and I want to live more of my life this year with the clarity of my childhood.

What about the misogi?

Last year I started an annual misogi, which I wrote about at length in my #30 Dell Curry essay:

The misogi is effectively an annual test of will: an arduous physical challenge that has the potential to rewire our brain.

This year was a test of balance and patience.

My #31 misogi was to walk one mile while balancing my Nalgene water bottle on my head, filled about a quarter of the way with water. Every time I dropped the bottle, I had to start all over again.

I woke up at 5:00 am while my daughter was still asleep and drove to the Montrose Track to give myself plenty of time before Kirsten had to go to work.

Do you think I finished it? Did I change the task halfway through to make it more reasonable? How long do you think the whole thing took?

Thanks for reading my birthday essay about the legendary Ricky Davis (#31). People forget he was a problem.

What is something (or someone) from your childhood that you want to reignite your excitement for?

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Unadvanced Analytics

Observations and investigations about sports idiosyncrasies.

By Griffin Antle

Kirsten and I went to see The Odyssey in 70 mm opening night at Music Box Theater.

We bought our tickets within minutes of them going on sale (as you know, I saved two dollars), asked our friends to babysit our sleeping daughter, drank a coffe at 5:00 pm, called a rideshare, and loaded up on concessions.

This was an event.

Since you, reader, have either already seen The Odyssey or are going to see it soon, and since LeBron hasn’t announced that he’s signing with Cleveland yet, it felt right to commemorate this moment with a special movie edition of The Unadvanced Notebook.

Thanks for being here.

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1. Matt Damon is perfect as Odysseus

At Music Box, an organist entertains the crowd with live music from the time doors open until the projection starts. (You can read about the history of the organ here. It’s a truly special touch.)

In last night’s case, that performance lasted almost an hour.

When he wrapped it up, the crowd went nuts. Then a manager of the theater stood at the front to address us with admonitions about texting or talking during the film.

“No one wants to hear your thoughts about an ancient poem,” she says, to a pop of laughter. “Especially not a modern one starring…Matt Damon.”

I scowled at Kirsten, who shot me back a look that said Just drop it.

Since the first teaser trailer for The Odyssey came out, the predominant discussion I’ve heard about the movie has been what a strange casting decision it was to make Matt Damon the leading man of this movie. I’ve had friends tell me they weren’t excited about the movie simply because there was no way he could do a good job in the role. With the whole cast in American accents and Matt Damon at the helm, Nolan couldn’t possibly do the story justice, they said.

Apparently, the manager, who had ostensibly seen the film already, still thought so.

But she was wrong. Entirely wrong.

Matt Damon is perfect as Odysseus.

He is — predictably, and obviously — convincing as a leader of men. He has the sheer power of a war hero whom you’d follow into battle. When he speaks with conviction, you listen. He also delivers on the emotional charge of being responsible for atrocities that cost him not just his men but also the Bronze Age of civilization.

But most importantly, all of the cache that Damon brings to a leading role serves him here as Odysseus.

Damon, a movie star made in 1997 en route to one of the most bankable careers in Hollywood history with an astonishingly robust filmography page, is now in his mid-fifties. He is past his prime and we, the audience (read: Odysseus’ Greek soldiers) are wondering if he can still conjure up some of the old magic. At the same time that we ask “Can Matt Damon once again reach the pinnacle?” we are watching Odysseus struggle to find his way back to his throne.

In Interstellar, Christopher Nolan, in a stroke of genius, used all of Matt Damon’s good will1 against the audience. When he shows up, everyone in the theater is thinking, Phew, Matt Damon — a good guy — is here. When his character double crosses Cooper to selfishly make his own way back, the betrayal hardly even computes with us. It takes us so long to realize that Matt Damon might be playing a character like that.2

In The Odyssey, Nolan uses the same phenomenon to his benefit again, this time cashing in on everything we know about the actor to bolster the myth of the character. It’s okay that we’re constantly thinking about Matt Damon while he’s playing Odysseus because the actor’s life stage and career arc so perfectly mirror the legendary hero’s .

And there is one more factor at play that makes Damon such a convincing Odysseus, a feature of the movie that is obvious, undeniable, and of the utmost importance:

Matt Damon is absolutely yoked.

2. The execution of the Trojan Horse is breathtaking

The authenticity of story of the Trojan Horse is hotly debated and highly skepticized, but if it did happen, it would have happened exactly like it does in The Odyssey.

And it might be the most amazing practical set piece I’ve ever seen.

The wooden horse is massive. And there are thousands of people playing tug-of-war with it, heave-ho’ing it an inch at a time all the way up the beach.

The guys are really actually crammed inside the horse and breathing through straws when it fills with water. Matt Damon really climbs down the rope to spring the trap.

And when the soldiers race through Troy to the gates of the city, the score from Ludwig Goransson is deafening: it’s propulsive — almost deceptively, infinitely so, with the drums simultaneously ramping up and restarting the cadence to buuuuuuild the tension — and epic.

The camera follows Odysseus while he jets through alleys and his men tiptoe around him, and it feels chaotic, urgent, and scary. You can feel the pent up angst of a decade spent on the beach waiting for war, and the movie finally bursts along with the gates of Troy.

It is a stunning piece of movie magic.

3. It’s a real boat

Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick?:

They are really on a ship.

That ship is really on the ocean.

The men are really lifting the sails and pulling the oars and tasting the salt.

The way the camera rises and falls with the crashing waves is magnificent.

Nolan clearly didn’t want anyone to watch his movie and say, “They needed a bigger boat.”

4. The monsters are perfect

I first learned about Homer’s Odyssey by Dora Winifred Read’s contribution to the oral history.3

Buster Baxter’s Cyclops will always be my GOAT. But…

The Cyclops in The Odyssey is unsettling because his eye is sideways. It’s an awesome, creepy choice. Even his nose is askew. He’s not just a giant with one eye: something is wrong with him, and that off-putting sensation makes him a great monster.

Charybdis and Scylla are amazing.

The Laestrygonians4 are great.

The Sirens are great (more on them later).

(Calypso is terrible. More on her later.)

But the real winner of the monsters is Circe, who molds Odysseus’ men into pigs with her bare hands.

She enchants them with the food, sure (“Leave the meat!”), but she isn’t casting any spells or doing the transfiguration off screen. She is working their faces like clay, even diving her arm down their throats, to, as she would say, undo their human disguises and reveal their true swinish forms.

I felt a similar sensation in the theater as I did watching (and listening) to the alien digest its victims in Jordan Peele’s Nope. It’s an awfully intimate scene, and you can’t help but squirm and squeal right along with them.

5. Did I mention that Matt Damon’s muscles are popping out of his armor?!

I cannot emphasize this poing enough. You gotta see this dude’s body on the biggest screen possible.5 You simply have to watch his biceps ripple when he strings a bow.

Matt Damon said his secret to getting in such incredible shape was that he went gluten free. Kirsten, who is gluten free, equated that comment to when Kim Kardashian said she just did a lot of squats.

Whatever he did, Damon is shredded. The Trojan Horse is the third biggest trap in The Odyssey, after Damon’s left and right.

The movie is actually too star-studded

I understand that to make a modern epic, you want as many stars in the movie as possible. As in, this is the best piece of art our culture can make.

For me, there were too many stars in it. I found it distracting that Lupita Nyong’o was on screen for two minutes. I think she’s a great casting for Helen of Troy, and I know that Helen of Troy isn’t really in Homer’s Odyssey. So I don’t know how to reconcile that.

I guess with so many stars getting just a bit of screen time, it felt to me a bit like famous people making cameos than elite actors settling into their characters. I felt that way about Nyong’o, about Zendaya, and especially about Charlize Theron, who doesn’t have a single impressive moment in the entire movie, and whose scenes are so boring that I didn’t buy at all that Odysseus would want to stay on that island with her for any reason outside of the lotus flowers.6

Christopher Nolan’s writing is not suited for this material

Nolan writes all of his movies the same way. He loves short, punchy dialogue of characters going back and forth, making big statements about lofty ideas.

I love his style, he’s one of my favorites, and I think his writing is perfect for Inception and The Dark Knight and Dunkirk and so on.

I just think that you feel the shortcomings of that style when it’s used to adapt an epic poem.

There’s a lot of politicking in the movie, scenes when characters are trying to gain footholds in existing power structures to advance their own agendas. I don’t think those scenes are well-written.

Conversely, when Odysseus is grappling with his guilt for abusing Athena’s honor in service of winning a war, his monologue totally hits for me. There are times when Nolan is cooking.

But the movie gets 4.5 and not 5 stars from me because I thought it was often poorly written.

Tom Holland and Anne Hathaway were bad

Sorry, rulers of Ithaca.

I did not like their scenes together. I didn’t think they clicked at all! And Anne Hathaway’s screaming at the end of every scene just didn’t work for me.

Tom Holland had two moments where I don’t think he was trying to be funny but lots of people in the theater laughed at him:

• When Odysseus killed all the suitors by himself, and Telemachus comes downstairs, he asks: “What happened?”

• When Antinous hits “the beggar” in the back of the head and Telemachus yells: “THE FEAST IS OVER!”

He seemed like a fake tough guy to me.

I guess if I stopped The Lion King halfway through I would be unimpressed by Simba, so maybe that’s how Telemachus is supposed to be portrayed.

Am I wrong about this?

1. Every time they’d yell, “Get back to the boat!’“ while getting chased by a monster, I kept thinking it would have been nice if they’d been able to just leave it running so they could get in and go.

2. Is Odysseus a “good stats, bad team” guy? He won the war and is an iconic hero, but his entire team dies on the way back. Is he Carmelo Anthony?7

3. If I told my men that I’d bring them back dinner and I was all alone in a field, I probably wouldn’t let out a warning note for the deer I was hunting. But Odysseus is a man of principle. Well, sometimes: he’s up and down on whether he buries the dead, is honest with his crew, trusts strangers, or honors the Gods. But he will always give an animal a head’s up that he’s hunting it, and that’s called standing on business.

4. There is nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can’t live to be 140.

5. Odysseus is tied to the mast, screaming his lungs out and weeping because the song of the Sirens is causing him agony. Several of his men see this happening and think to themselves, “I’ll have what he’s having.”

6. Let me tell you somethin’: my favorite Jon Bernthal role is still Shane in “The Walking Dead”.

7. Robert Pattinson is perfect in this. I will definitely be asking Kirsten to help me with simple tasks with the sniveling desperation of his pleas for other suitors to use the weapons: “Get the spears salt! Get the SHIELDS PEPPER!”

8. I’m looking forward to the supercut video called “Every time someone says the word ‘home’ in The Odyssey”.

9. Same for Zeus’ Law

10. A lot of people don’t know this, but Zeus’ Second Law is that you gotta get fuckin yoked for the role of a lifetime.8

    

1. On Odysseus’ decision making:

   “Odysseus’ crew didn’t give him enough crap for the final arrow he shoots into Cyclops’ eye.”

2. On Zendaya’s red carpet look:

   “I’m just telling you: this picture is going to go down in makeup history. She has no mascara on and her blush is absolutely insane. And I just think that’s something you should know.”9

   (She added, “I know this is news to you, but the world is going crazy over her makeup.)

   

3. In response to my mini-hoop note about Odysseus’ hunting practices:

   “If he really stood on business, he’d be a vegetarian.”

How did The Odyssey compare to your expectations?

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Nothing compared to the iconically scary Baba Yaga episode:

Spoilers ahead for the following films:

Backrooms, Disclosure Day, Hoppers, The Invite, Obsession, Project Hail Mary, and Voicemails for Isabelle

In the last three months I have become a card carrying member of two movie theaters within walking distance of my house, both financial decisions that are worthy of heavy scrutiny.

These membership costs certainly will not pay for themselves. But how can you blame me? I’ve been swept up by the moment! Plus I get 15% off concessions (at one theater) and free refills (at the other). I have and will never get refills during a movie but I can.

And I can compare all these theatrical performances I’m watching, but there’s only one way to properly do that, and that’s with a mock draft. It’s literally the only way to do it.

I haven’t seen every movie released this summer, so if you’re wondering where a certain sheep detective will fall in the draft, I’m sorry to leave you longing. But I’ve seen most of the good ones, and that even includes the scary ones, and I’ve saved two dollars per ticket every time. I’m basically printing money.

Here is the completely unadvanced, absolutely definitive mock draft of the best cinematic performances of the summer so far.

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1. Inde Navarette as Nikki, Obsession

Player comps: Steve Nash, Michael Jordan

Despite the talent at the top of the draft, this isn’t a controversial pick.

One Wish Willow Nikki has one purpose in life: Love Bear. Do whatever it takes to make him happy and love her back.

She is Steve Nash leading the Phoenix Suns to the best offense year after year: setting up teammates, racking up assists, organizing a scintillating offensive performance while being completely selfless, compiling back-to-back MVP awards as a result.

But she’s also a goddamn killer.

I bet Michael Jordan loves Obsession. He was notoriously relentless in his pursuit of basketball perfection.

And he was really mean.

I could see Mike standing in the corner of Dennis Rodman’s bedroom watching him sleep. I could see him smashing Steve Kerr’s face into a bloody pulp on his steering wheel. I could see him serving Clyde Drexler a dead cat sandwich.

Inde Navarrette might someday be the GOAT. First, she’s gotta do Space Jam 3.

2. Emily Blunt as Margaret Fairchild, Disclosure Day

Player comp: Nikola Jokic

Darryn Peterson was the #2 pick in this summer’s NBA draft although he easily could have gone number 1. Such is the case with Blunt.

Emily Blunt is undeniably a generational talent.

If you’re picking this high, you need a franchise-altering player, a cornerstone to build around.

Emily Blunt as Margaret Fairchild is the total package.

As I was thoroughly enjoying Disclosure Day on opening weekend, I leaned over to Nick and said, “Every second away from Emily Blunt is a waste of time.”

When she’s off the screen, it’s comparable to the notorious Non-Jokic Minutes of the beleaguered Denver Nuggets bench. Sure, the movie has a robust cast, but the script doesn’t do them any favors, and the plot is confounding. Josh O’Connor is playing the Jonas Valanciunas role.

Amidst that storm, Blunt ascends, giving us the forecast while she does it. Yes, Fairchild is a meteorologist with a Weather Shimmy, but she’s also imbued with alien powers that basically make her God. Wow!

Blunt is so dominant in this film that I had to ask myself if she was our generation’s best actor. Her performance is at once hilarious and heartbreaking, grounded and surreal. Total masterclass.

All this being said, please allow me a disclaimer.

Sublime culture writer and frequent Unadvanced Analytics guest author Rick Stevenson absolutely eviscerated Disclosure Day over at his page, Montage Theory. Ricks’ main critique is as follows:

What matters for our purposes is this: that throughout the film, the true believers are convinced that a revelation of alien life will change the world forever, pulling humanity back from the brink of nuclear war (a background plot that runs throughout the movie) and introducing a new era of enlightenment and peace. And in a closing montage where Fox News and CNN all show the same footage with the same open-hearted reporting, the film tells us that they were right.

Half a century after Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Steven Spielberg has nothing new to say about aliens, nor apparently any real comprehension of Just How Exactly Shit Is Fucked Down Here.

I have to say, Rick is probably right about this.

And yet.

Emily Blunt puts on a career-defining masterclass that is absolutely deserving of the #2 pick.

Plus, she appears to be best friends with an alien that is exactly as tall as Victor Wembanyama.

3. Edward Norton as Hawk, The Invite

Player comps: Andre Iguodala, Josh Hart

Both Edward Norton and Andre Iguodala burst onto the scene as flashy, superstar talents around the same time. Fight Club was 1999, Iguodala’s dunk contest was 2006. Iguodala dunking from behind the backboard in a shimmering Philly jersey, his MVP teammate also initialed A.I. as if they were the same person.

But my first rule of Philly is don’t talk about Philly.

More than a decade after he was drafted, Iguodala ended up on the Golden State Warriors. Once a top level talent, now relegated to a role player. But he accepted his job, became the hallmark of a championship-defining role player, and delivered a performance so memorable that he won Finals MVP over Steph Fricken Curry.

Edward Norton’s isn’t the best performance in The Invite. Seth Rogen is as good as comedic acting gets, Olivia Wilde channels all her directing anxieties into her dinner party host, and Penelope Cruz is a smoldering enigma that gives the movie its edge. Norton is probably the fourth best actor out of four, by my count.

But that’s because he doesn’t do anything he’s not supposed to do, and plays his role perfectly so that everyone else can shine. His presence allows everyone else’s to take shape; they couldn’t do it without him.

Then, all of a sudden, he delivers a monologue so profound, so gut wrenching, so utterly human, that the entire movie — the tone, the ending, the theme — pivots. Our theater, once raucous on opening night, was dead silent, rapt. It was so good that I thought, Wait, is he the best actor in this movie?!

And then I learned on The Big Picture podcast that Norton came up with the monologue himself, didn’t tell anyone what he was going to say, and told the cameras to be sure to capture all his costars’ authentic reactions.

His might not be the best performance of the movie, but it is the most valuable.

If Max Kellerman directs Disclosure Day 2 and the martians have the death beam pointed at Earth, I want Edward Norton.

4. Kane Parsons, Backrooms

Comp: Joe Mazzulla

The performances are fine, but Backrooms is all about the movie stuff.

Cinematography, set design, pacing, that stuff. Stuff I know a lot about.

Parsons was born in 2005 and just made a movie that feels like it’s going to a) inspire copycats all over the place, and b) inspire a franchise unto itself with sequel after likely sequel.

Since Parsons is directing, he’s getting a coach comp instead, and Joe Mazzulla is the obvious pick.

Mazzulla-ball is a specific, recognizable style that has been replicated by teams across the league trying to make the leap from good to great: shoot a ton of threes and play with ferocious intensity.

In turn, Parsons uses found footage, liminal space, and a droning score to create dread.

Like Mazzulla, Parsons isn’t the first to do what he’s doing, but he is doing it masterfully and making a name for himself.

Also Mazzulla is pretty scary: he plays war noises at practice and gets himself put in headlocks to work on keeping his composure under pressure. I bet Parsons would dig that.

I have to wonder about Mazzulla’s own Backrooms. John Wall dancing to “Country Roads”. Ron Harper Jr. in a pirate hat asking to start in Game 7. Ben Affleck atop a half-submerged Green Monstah.

5. Ryan Gosling as Ryland Grace, Project Hail Mary

Comp: Anthony Edwards

I know Project Hail Mary came out in March, but since it was just released on streaming platforms and even more people will see it, I’m counting it.

Plus, Gosling is too good to pass up. Consider him a 24 year old rookie who is past the normal rookie window but can still jump out of the gym, because Gosling jumps off the screen.

He’s so charismatic that every single thing he does, works.

The jokes are never corny or too much because he feels totally authentic. He has charisma and charm and an undeniable It-Factor.

I’m talking also about Anthony Edwards, a superstar whom criticism mostly falls off of because it’s just not that fun to hate on him; it’s so much more fun to join in on his infectious joy.

Gosling is the best part of everything he’s ever been in (except for Remember the Titans, in which he drives me nuts). He seems like he can do pretty much anything and be awesome at it.

Remember when Anthony Edwards challenged the US Olympic table tennis team to a game of ping pong because he genuinely thought he could win?

Both guys are just elite. I think Edwards could also act opposite a rock and make it fun.

Holy shit, I just realized that Anthony Edwards would deliver the best performance of any athlete to ever host SNL.

Get Gosling and Edwards on the phone with Lorne Michaels and let’s make it happen.

Outside the Top 5

• Zoey Deutch in Voicemails for Isabelle. Clear out and let her isolate

• Everyone else in The Invite. Draft the whole team and recreate the Villanova Knicks.

• Meryl Streep as the squished butterfly in Hoppers. A Draymond Green, Bam Adebayo1 attitude.

• My apologies if any of the minions, sheep detectives, or animated toys can hoop: I’m not familiar with their game.

Who did I miss?

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If you consume any speculative NBA rumors, you know that Boston has supposedly been shopping Brown on the trade market for weeks, starting with a move that would have brought Giannis Antetokounmpo to the northeast.

When the deal for Giannis fell through, every Celtics fan I talked to breathed a sigh of relief.

Yes, a deal that would have sent Brown away in exchange for Giannis – 2x NBA MVP, Finals MVP, 9x All-NBA, 5x All-Defense, and NBA Cup MVP1 – was widely seen as a bad trade by Boston fans.

We’d rather have JB than Giannis.

Hell, we’d rather have JB than anyone.

Here’s why.

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Celtics fans don’t care who our best player is

Since Jayson Tatum was drafted in 2018, analysts have loved to debate who is the better player, Tatum or Brown. It’s inescapable in the discourse around the Celtics.

This chatter reached a fever pitch in 2024 when Boston won the title. Brown won both the Eastern Conference Finals MVP and NBA Finals MVP trophies. He deserved both accolades, but it was noteworthy that Tatum emerged from the championship run without an individual accolade to his name.

Celtics fans lamented the outcome, not because we cared at all – our team just won the championship! – but because we knew this discrepancy would become a talking point for podcasts and talk shows. We’d just witnessed our favorite two players lead our team to a dominant postseason run, and we’d have to listen to outsiders debate who deserved more credit.

Everyone else swirls that debate. We don’t care about it at all.

That talking point is reminiscent of how the media used to discuss Brady & Belichik

You’d hear a similar talking point throughout the Patriots’ dynastic run over two decades: “Who’s more responsible for the Patriots’ success: Brady or Belichick?”

This, too, was asinine.

Outsiders used to ask me that question because they’d heard it on First Take or something as if I was supposed to choose between my quarterback and my head coach.

Why would Patriots fans care at all about who was more responsible for the team’s success? They were both on our team!

Later, Brady won a title with Tampa Bay while Belichick floundered in the dusk of his Patriots tenure and NFL fans outside of New Englandwould say, See? Clearly it was Brady all along. As if Patriots fans were supposed to be sad that we got to root for the best football organization ever built.

My middle school students tell me, “If you didn’t have Tom Brady, the Patriots never would have won those Super Bowls.” That’s an argument only a developing frontal lobe could concoct.

Imagine for a second that Brown gets traded to New Orleans and wins a title there.2 We would hear, “Well, there you have it: he was the best player all along.” And Celtics fans would be expected to somehow feel badly about the 2024 championship in retrospect because, in fact, Brown was our best player.

See how little sense that makes?

If both Tatum and Brown feel unappreciated, that’s a problem that coaching can solve

As I rehashed earlier, Jayson Tatum spent the summer of 2024 feeling unappreciated in the wake of the championship run and during the USA Gold Medal run in which Steve Kerr barely played him. The media claimed he felt like he wasn’t getting enough credit for being a great player, primarily because of Brown’s spotlight.

Now, Brown is claiming that this season was his favorite of his career – despite getting knocked out by the goddamn Sixers in the first round after blowing a 3-1 lead – presumably because of Tatum’s absence and his own ability to lead the team. Yet, in the wake of being dangled in trade talks, he feels disrespected, primarily because he is not seen as the best player on his own team.

How can both of them feel this way?

This is a matter of coaching, not team-building.

Joe Mazzulla needs to get them both in a room – Brad Stevens watching through a two-way mirror – and explain to them that this is the best possible problem to have in the NBA.

If JB gets traded to New Orleans or Atlanta or Washington or Portland or literally anywhere that can reasonably make an offer for him, he will be doing Twitch streams by February asking his front office to make a move to get him some help.

If he gets traded to Denver by some miracle, he will be the second-best player on his team and will never be accepted by the city the way he is loved in Boston.

It’s reasonable for Brown to let his eyes wander around the league and fantasize about a different situation. But in Boston, he has a max contract, the trust of his fanbase, and an elite roster around him. A trade would not bring him the answers his thinks it will.

A frequent occurrence in my middle school classroom is that I’ll give a shoutout to a student for something small, for example, “R____ has written an answer that synthesizes the our class discussion.” And another student will say, “I did that, too!”

My response is always, “Someone else’s spotlight doesn’t take away your shine.”

So, if any of you have Joe Mazzulla’s or Brad Stevens’ email address, can you forward them that paragraph? I think it would help the Boston Celtics resolve their differences.

The homegrown star

The best thing to root for in modern sports is for your favorite team to draft a rookie, have them turn into a superstar, watch them win championships, and retire on that team. It’s so rare in the landscape these days that I have very few examples of it happening in my lifetime. Guys like Kobe, Curry, and Dirk are icons that Giannis was modeling his legacy after until his relationship with Milwaukee became so toxic that a trade had to be made.

Even in the case of Giannis, who was the topic of trade talks so saturated to the point of becoming nauseating, every Bucks fan I texted the morning the Heat trade went down was sad. They were all rooting for the Bucks to make it work, holding out hope that they could root for their favorite player on their favorite team until he retired.

The Celtics have a chance to do that with two players, concurrently, in a situation that is completely against the grain of the NBA flow these days.

The Knicks just won the title3 with one single player in their rotation whom they drafted – Mitchell Robinson – and as I’m writing this, he just signed a contract with the Celtics.4 It’s so rare to keep your homegrown superstars, and when they leave, fanbases mourn the loss.

Look at the uproar in Dallas in the wake of the Luka trade. Bucks fans after Giannis. Klay’s signing with Dallas.

Dame agonized for years over leaving the Blazers, and when he was finally gone, he realized he never should have left: he went right back to Portland.

Please, Celtics management: Don’t do this

If you pay attention to the rumor mill, it seems like a done deal that the Celtics are going to trade Jaylen Brown. I firmly think that would be a mistake.

There have been passive-aggressive digs, public slights, and hurt feelings. All of that comes with the territory of being an elite team in contention for a championship every year for a decade. Get in a conference room and talk like adults.

There is no situation better for Jaylen Brown than the one he has in Boston.

There is no alternative to Jaylen Brown that Celtics fans would be happier with.

I trust Brad Stevens’ decision-making, but I think he is wrong that the best course of action would be flipping Brown for suboptimal talent and a handful of picks.

We just want to root for our guys – the guys we drafted – until they retire as Celtics.

Absolutely they should change their approach because I can’t endure another agonizing playoff exit like the last two years.

Play Baylor Scheierman more. Teach Mitchell Robinson to shoot granny style. Get Hakeem in the gym with Tatum. Don’t start Ron Harper Jr. in a Game 7.

But please don’t trade Jaylen Brown.

What’s your Jaylen Brown/Celtics opinion?

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The Statue of Liberty, a gift from France long ago, a New York centerpiece.

The Larry O’Brien trophy, prematurely seen as destined for the 22-year-old French superstar in San Antonio, conquered by the Knicks.

The New York Knicks are NBA Champions and I’m so sick to my stomach happy for this massive fan base that has suffered for 53 years.

Jalen Brunson delivers 45 points in a closeout game in which every other Knick combines to score just 49. In this series, I was prepared to anoint Victor Wembanyama as the best player in the world. Instead, Jalen Brunson vaults into a stratosphere I never saw him entering: he’s on a very short list of the best undersized guards to ever play basketball.1

Before the series, I picked the Spurs to win in 7. (Kirsten picked the Knicks in 6.2)

But coming into tonight’s game, I couldn’t imagine the Spurs winning because their fatal flaw — late game execution — was the Knicks’ biggest superpower.

And tonight was déjà vu for the Frenchman-led Spurs:

• Jump out to a double digit first quarter lead

• Let the Knicks back into the game in the second quarter and take a meager lead into halftime

• Extend the lead in the third quarter and into the start of the fourth

• Stop running offensive sets on one end of the floor, and allow Jalen Brunson to torch your season on the other

Let’s break it down.

This is the last Unadvanced Notebook of the season. Thanks for being here.

1. Spike Lee before tonight’s game

2. This is sacriligious to say, and my eight-year-old self would have my head, but…

Jalen Brunson is better than Allen Iverson ever was.

And it doesn’t stop there.

Here is the entire list of guards who have won Finals MVP since the Knicks last won the title in 1973 (bolded if they are 6’2 or shorter):

• Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (2025)

• Stephen Curry (2022)

• Kobe Bryant (2009, 2010)

• Tony Parker (2007)

• Dwyane Wade (2006)

• Chauncey Billups (2004)

• Michael Jordan (1991, 1992, 1993, 1996, 1997, 1998)

• Isiah Thomas (1990)

• Joe Dumars (1989)

• Magic Johnson (1982, 1987)

• Dennis Johnson (1979)

• Jo Jo White (1976)

I think Brunson is the sixth best player on that list: I have him after Steph, Kobe, D-Wade, Mike, Isiah, and Magic (who is barely a guard (I mean he’s 6’9) but is listed as one, so we’ll count him).

I don’t think I can put SGA ahead of him right now after what I just watched Brunson do.

He just scored 45 points in a closeout game on the road, despite every single person in the world knew that he was going to be the one to control the game. No one could stop him tonight, as was the case for the entire postseason.

We entered the Finals wondering if Brunson could become the greatest Knick ever. Now I’m wondering if he could become (is already?) one of the greatest guards ever.

Sorry, Allen Iverson, and almost every other undersized guard to ever play basketball: Jalen Brunson is better.

Am I wrong?

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3. Speaking of sacrilige: did the Spurs Nuns sell their tickets to Knicks fans?

Where were the Salesian Sisters tonight? San Antonio could have used a blessing or two during their fourth late-game collapse against New York.

(I’m not questioning their judgment.)

(Just their fandom.3)

4. You thought tonight was low-scoring?

The final score was Knicks 94-90 Spurs. The halftime score (Knicks 37 - 42 Spurs) was the lowest scoring first half in a Finals game since 2010.

Basketball has changed.

Look at the final scores of the 1999 Finals, the last time these teams played each other for a championship. (Remember, the Spurs scored 79 points in the first half of Game 4.)

5. Spurs concessions should have served Knicks fans extremely slowly

The Frost Bank Center missed an opportunity to recapture their home court advantage at halftime.

A lot was made of 50% of tickets for tonight’s game being sold to fans with New York zip codes, and the trend of Knick fan invasions of away games continued tonight. The Knicks fans were many and they were loud.

At halftime, when everyone went to get a beer and a hot dog, the Spurs concessions staff should have taken their orders and stalled for as long as possible. “Yes, we’re working on it,” the staff should have said as the Knicks fans got antsier.

How long would the Knicks fans have waited in the concourse for their nachos while the third quarter was starting up? Three minutes? Five minutes? Ten minutes?

The Spurs only outscored the Knicks 30-28 in the third quarter, but I bet they could have stretched their lead even more if the soft pretzel machine at the gate behind the Knicks bench was “broken”.

6. Jalen Brunson was heroic in spite of the refs

Coming into this series, Brunson had a reputation akin to SGA for being a foul baiter: someone who relied on help from referees to be productive.

(Matt pointed out that his braids accentuate his head snaps when he sells a call.)

In this series, even the most ardent Spurs fan would have to admit that the Knicks got a pretty lousy whistle. And the few times Brunson was vociferously arguing for a foul call that should have been, he was obviously right.4

While he did get away with a few cheap trips to the line tonight, he was so utterly dominant that you’d be a fool to bring up the officiating when talking about his greatness. He was completely unguardable in a game when nobody else on his team looked ready to clinch a championship.

Dude is a winner.

7. Knicks fans reminding us how long it’s been

(If you don’t know what this clip is from, you are legally obligated to click here and find out.)

8. This play at the end of the game is emblematic of why the Spurs lost all these close games

The Spurs give up the offensive rebound to Mitchell Robinson which leads to an OG Anunoby free throw, so they’re down by four.

They call a timeout to draw up a play. With only 20 seconds left, this has to be their absolute best play.

Basketball analysts have been clamoring for a Dylan Harper-Victor Wembanyama pick and roll with Wemby rolling to the hoop. But since the Knicks would probably take that away, Wemby can roll to the free throw line. Or Dylan Harper, who was on fire tonight, can create something going to the basket.

What the hell is this play?!

They draw up the old launch-the-ball-crosscourt-so-Wemby-has-to-make-a-contested-catch-then-spin-and-somehow-square-up-to-the-basket-before-launching-a-three-pointer play?!

That Castle bails them out with a putback dunk5 is irrelevant. The Spurs did not have a bread and butter play they could rely on down the stretch, which is why they kept blowing these big leads down in crunchtime.

9. By the time you see this, one of the top headlines on whatever sports website you click on will be “Way Too Early Finals Favorites for 2027”

And I think that sucks. It’s a mark of the insatiability of our culture, that we are so eager to move on.

Sure, it’s because every other fanbase wants to know if they have a chance next season; obviously everybody who isn’t from New York wants to look ahead.

But don’t do that. Watch the Knicks revel in their victory and loathe it and let them celebrate.

10. Spike Lee after tonight’s game

1. When school starts up again in the fall, I’d be happy if my 8th graders changed their favorite player from LaMelo Ball to Jalen Brunson. They’re all bandwagon fans, so this switch-up seems likely.

2. Three quick officiating notes:

   1. Jordan Brink missed his first challenge of the series tonight and I still thought he was right.

   2. That definitely should have been a flagrant foul on Wemby for being in Brunson’s landing space, and the league would have had a lot of explaining to do if the Spurs won.

   3. The lesson of this series: If it looked like a foul on Wemby, it was probably a foul on KAT.

3. If the two best words in sports are Game Seven, then the two worst words in sports are If Necessary.

   

4. Mitchell Robinson should have shot his free throws granny style because he’s the most perfect candidate for that style switch of all time. But I realized today that the Knicks must have tried it with him already: I bet Mitchell Robinson is even worse at shooting granny style free throws.

5. David has been sending me these after every win:

   

   ---

   This has got to be my worst “Truth or Trash” ever:

1. On Landry Shamet falling to the ground in the 4th quarter:

   “It’s a slippery game.”

2. On Ariel Hukporti’s block of Luke Kornet when nobody from either team’s bench could score:

   “No bench points for you!”

   

3. On Wemby’s strong 1st quarter start:

   “He’s sweatier than usual.”

4. On…actually this just came completely out of nowhere:

   “How far do you think I could pass the ball?”

   Do you think Kirsten could deliver a chest pass from the baseline to the top of the three-point line?

   Leave a comment

Unadvanced Analytics

You’ll notice a distinct lack of discussion about the officiating in this article. If you want discussion about the referees, go to any comment section on your favorite app. This was an iconic game, and I won’t disparage it by focusing on the refs.

On the middle school team I coach, we have one out of bounds play. It’s called Stack.

Everybody lines up in a stack. One guy goes that way, one guy goes this way, one guy sets a screen, one guy goes back. When the inbounder passes the ball, he’s supposed to step inbounds right away. Whoever catches it is supposed to pass it right back to him, because in middle school, he’s always open.

Every single team in our league runs Stack. Even when our opponents run Stack, we can’t guard it. It’s an unstoppable play.

That’s because middle schoolers haven’t yet learned a fundamental lesson that every player in basketball learns at some point: the most dangerous player on an inbounds play is the inbounder.

Tonight, up by 1 and coming off a timeout, the Spurs elected not to guard OG Anunoby as he inbounded the ball. This meant that:

a) he got a totally free opportunity to pass the ball inbounds, and much more consequentially,

b) since nobody was guarding him, nobody was responsible for boxing him out.

By the time, you read this, you will have seen this play 1,000 times. If (when?) the Knicks win the Finals, you will see it for the rest of your lives. OG Anunoby runs unobstructed to the rim and gets the tip to fall to put the Knicks up by the smallest of margins.

Conversely, with 1.2 seconds left and the Spurs inbounding with a chance to win, the Knicks have their tallest player guarding the inbounder. When the Spurs run a perfect play to get a lob at the rim, KAT tips the inbounds pass.

Coach Mitch Johnson has been amazing for the Spurs, but it’s hard to imagine Coach Popovich leaving the inbounder unguarded.

On a night when the Spurs showed their inexperience again and again, these final two plays sealed their fate.

What is the play you’ll always remember from this game?

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1. This Knicks team makes New York sports cool

I hate to admit it.

I’m a New Englander who came of age with the Sox-Yankees and Pats-Giants postseason collapses. I was raised to loathe A-Rod and Eli.

The Knicks were never good enough for me to hate, so I hated them by proxy.

And dammit if this team — led by undersized and underrated Jalen Brunson; unappreciated KAT; unsung heroes, and the power of friendship — isn’t cool.

I hate New York sports, but this team is destined to etch its name on the Larry O’ Brien.

2. It’s like all the karma is kicking in right now

The Haliburton Bounce.

The years of stubborn fandom in the face of, at best, mediocrity.

The Patrick Ewing “badoop-badoop” layup…

…that Josh Hart recreated tonight with a chance to put the Knicks up one, just like all those years ago.1

It feels like the Knicks are cashing it all in for this run. How else do you explain the biggest Finals comeback in NBA history?

3. I felt like I was watching a bad Celtics game

The Spurs shot the absolute lights out of the ball in the first half and broke the record for made three-pointers in the first half of a Finals game.

Of course, they came out in the third quarter ice cold and shot 2/12 from three and 4/20 overall.

I’ve watched the Celtics play that exact game countless times over the last few seasons. Anyone who thought the Spurs had the game in the bag hasn’t been watching the Celtics.

The Knicks beat the Celtics twice in last year’s postseason after being down by 20 in the first half by this same formula. They just did it to the Cavs in the last round when they were down 22 in the fourth quarter!

I don’t understand how anyone could have thought this game was over at halftime. In the modern NBA, every team is subject to the variance of three-point shooting. If it were a regular season game, we would have remembered that first half leads aren’t real in the NBA anymore.

Even still, I thought the game would get close, but I never thought the Knicks would be able to win like this.

4. You must be thinking, John Linder was somewhere outside Indianapolis saying ,‘The Spurs are shooting 60% in the first half, but they will regress to the mean’

You’re wrong!

At halftime, he predicted a “Blowout of magnificent proportion.”

Boy, did he pick the wrong game to sideline his signature point! This was the perfect game to point out how the Spurs would regress to the mean! Look at the differences in their first and second half shot charts:

Eight made baskets in the entire second half!

(Weirdly, the Knicks committed 11 second half fouls that only led to 14 Spurs free throws. When Wemby would roll to the hoop, they’d foul him before he could gather the ball, and the Spurs would have to take it out again. Great strategy from Mike Brown.)

5. How the Knicks did the Spurs in the second half

Truth or Trash

I got got in the last game. Thanks Matt for pointing out my mistake. But, come on:

1. When Jrue Holiday threw that alley-oop to Giannis, it was the riskiest choice he possibly could have made that resulted in the most amazing clutch alley-oop since Kobe to Shaq.

   If you watch that clip, you’ll see that De’Aaron Fox actually tried to lay the ball up in the exact same situation: up by one, on a fastbreak, less than 20 seconds left.

   The difference is that Fox is at a clear disadvantage against Anunoby. This layup is an absolutely brutal decision from the guy San Antonio brought in to be their clutch game closer.

   

   Oh my gosh the more I watch it the more horrible it gets. Just hold the ball! Don’t do that!

   That makes two games in this series that the Spurs get a stop on Jalen Brunson and give the ball right back to the Knicks so that they can take the lead. Fox’s gaffe is on par with Wemby’s from Game 2.

2. Avery Wilson is the best anthem performer since Marvin Gaye.

3. Power Rankings for which shirt I’d want:

   1. Stevie Knicks

   2. Knickelback

   3. Knickole Kidman

4. Tonight’s game is proof that basketball is the best sport. Nothing can touch the drama of tonight’s game. That’s as good as it gets.

5. I met Spike Lee in college.

1. On Taylor Swift’s wedding venue:

   “I don’t think Madison Square Garden is a good place to get married. But who knows: maybe she’ll build a whole palace and put it inside.”

2. On the Spurs’ pregame dance circle:

   “Hey little Sally walking down the street / She didn’t know what to do so she stopped in front of me, she said / Ooh girl, do your thing, do your thing / Switch!”

3. On Josh Hart missing both free throws, followed by Jalen Brunson missing his first:

   “That’s it! Halftime: shooting practice! Everybody except KAT. He just runs around keeping his hands to himself. Write that down!”

4. On Mitchell Robinson elbowing Wemby in the jaw:

   “I don’t think that’s a flagrant foul. There is contact and follow through, but no wind-up.”2

5. On calling Wemby’s throw-it-off-the-glass-to-himself play a “French Kiss”:

   “When Wemby really cooks somebody is it called a French Roast?”3

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During tonight’s game, I tested a new exercise called the UA logBOOK where I documented my thoughts during every timeout in the action.

It reveals my reluctance to believe what I was seeing: that the Spurs were asserting their will on the Knicks, that Victor Wembanyama and Stephon Castle were answering the bell for Round 3, and that this series is very much alive.

Three bullet points before I get to the Logbook:

• Credit to San Antonio for giving the ball to De’Aaron Fox for their last shot attempt. Khris Middleton closed for Giannis and Kobe closed for Shaq: it’s okay for Wemby to have a shot-creating guard who takes the last shot.

• I feel sympathy for the diehard Knicks fans who were in the Garden tonight. However, I feel some karmic justice was in store for the megarich fans that priced them out tonight. Hopefully they’re still stuck in traffic.

• Fuck Donald Trump.

Pregame | 7:20 pm CDT

The Garden is absolutely out of control.

The Knicks just ran onto the court and the crowd is deafening.

Kirsten said, “I never get chills, but I have goosebumps right now.”

I hope it’s not in bad taste to make this comparison: the last sports environment from my lifetime that felt this raucous was the first Saints game in the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina.

There is no way the Knicks are losing this game.

First Commercial Break | 6:49 1Q | Spurs 19 - 9 Knicks

What is going on? The Knicks are clearly the more nervous team: they’re dribbling it off their feet, Jalen Brunson just got goaded into an offensive foul by Stephon Castle, and Bridges has two fouls himself.

Conversely, the Spurs look comfortable. Wembanyama is feasting in the paint: he’s running a couple screen actions at the three point arc before making a beeline for the rim. He has two dunks and a block already tonight.

Is it….possible? Could Wemby lead the Spurs to victory tonight?

Timeout Spurs | 3:24 1 Q | Spurs 24 - 17 Knicks

Wembanyama checks out and the Spurs get immediate contributions from everyone else. Keldon Johnson completes a tough finish in traffic; Castle follows suit; Devin Vassell and Julian Champagnie add a couple threes.

Just outside of Indianapolis, John Linder is pointing out that the Spurs are shooting 64% and will regress to the mean. He’s right.

End of Q1 | Spurs 33 - 22 Knicks

The Knicks are going to take the lead at some point tonight. The Spurs cannot think they are going to lead wire-to-wire. When the Knicks take the lead, the Garden is going to explode, and the Spurs have to stay attached if they’re going to keep it close enough to win.

Timeout | 5:10 2Q | Spurs 49 - 44 Knicks

Stephon Castle is playing out of his mind! He’s so patient on his drives but so explosive and strong on his finishes. His Euro Stop brings to mind Anthony Edwards.

Preceding this timeout were four incredible finishes at the rim between the two teams. (Obviously, Wemby is on the bench, which makes those possible.)

Official Stoppage | 2:59 | Spurs 54 - 50 Knicks

Brunson hits a huge three to give the Knicks their first lead of the game. The crowd is going berserk.

On the other end, Wembanyama answers with a three of his own. That’s the answer the Spurs needed, and they’ll need it the rest of the game if they have a chance tonight.

What a game!

Halftime | Spurs 57 - 64 Knicks

The Knicks end the half on a 10-1 run and outscore San Antonio by 18 in the second quarter.

Josh Hart is shooting like Game 7 Draymond Green.

Jalen Brunson got a “Bang!” from Mike Breen in the second quarter.

John Linder is in Indiana telling me, “I told you so.” He’s right.

The Knicks crowd is chanting “Fuck you Wemby!” Trae Young is somewhere smiling.

This game will be decided in the first five minutes of the third quarter.

Official Stoppage | 10:54 3Q | Spurs 62 - 64 Knicks

The Knicks are nervous again? Two turnovers right away.

Meanwhile, Champagnie has a layup, a made three, and draws a flagrant foul on Jalen Brunson that the broadcast crew was totally wrong about.

They have a chance for an eight point possession here as they get two free throws and the ball back. This could swing the game back in the Spurs direction.

(Champagnie missed one of two free throws and Castle missed a wide open three. Missed opportunity for San Antonio.)

Timeout | 6:26 3Q | Spurs 72 - 76 Knicks

I am completely shocked that the Spurs are still in this game. Devin Vassell just hit a three to give them the lead.

However, if this game is close down the stretch, I don’t see how the Knicks wouldn’t pull it out. They have Brunson and they have this crowd.

Plus, Josh Hart is still shooting the lights out.

Timeout | 2:33 3Q | Spurs 84 - 81 Knicks

Wembanyama is playmaking, affecting everything on defense, and just hit a deep three.

He goes to the bench at the same time as Brunson. Both teams go to their second options.

Why doesn’t KAT look as dominant tonight? He passed up a wide open three to attack the basket and couldn’t finish. I understand what he’s doing there, but that’s his shot.

Meanwhile, Dylan Harper looks like the best player on the court right now not named OG Anunoby. How is he so comfortable out there? He turned 20 years old in March!

End of 3Q | Spurs 92 - 91 Knicks

What an end to the quarter! Threes from Shamet, then Champagnie, then Clarkson, then Harper! Both teams trading haymakers!

Like I said earlier, I don’t see how the Spurs can win a close game in this building tonight. But I said last week: I am totally unwilling to count out Victor Wembanyama ever again.

Stoppage | 9:18 4Q | Spurs 96 - 91 Knicks

Both offenses look terrible right now.

The Knicks haven’t scored yet in this entire quarter.

They need Brunson back.

The Spurs are forcing shots and Wemby is inexplicably catching the ball 30 feet from the basket again.

Foul | 7:45 4Q | Spurs 103 - 93 Knicks

Wemby just inexplicably caught the ball 30 feet from the basket again.

This time, he launched a three and buried it, And One. Knicks challenge the call. Spurs have a chance to blow this game open if the call stands.

Wembanyama is answering every single doubter.

I asked this earlier and I still can’t believe it’s still in play:

Is it….possible? Could Wemby lead the Spurs to victory tonight?

Timeout | 7:31 4Q | Spurs 100 - 95

Call overturned. Wemby’s three is taken off the board.

What a tremendous swing in this game.

Spurs go from being up 10 with a free throw — and possibly a flagrant foul — to being up 7 and giving up a layup on the other end.

Knicks assistant coach Jordan Brink has the best challenge record in the entire league.

Timeout | 4:25 4Q | Spurs 108 - 100 Knicks

It feels like everything the Knicks are getting, they’re getting off second-chance opportunities. They must be killing the Spurs in offensive rebounds.

Otherwise, San Antonio is swallowing their “spray” offense. Anunoby has been their best player by a mile tonight, but they don’t usually run their crunch time offense through him.

Meanwhile, Jordan Brink is challenging another call and going to win the Knicks another possession.

Timeout | 3:40 4Q | Spurs 108 - 101 Knicks

An unbelievable defensive possession from San Antonio that culminates in an amazing Wemby block.

On the other end, he misses a three and then a point-blank layup.

Big swings in big moments.

Timeout | 0:12 | Spurs 113 - 108 Knicks

So much just happened that I can’t even remember it all. I’m pretty sure that:

• Stephon Castle — after a terrible possession where Wemby dribbled out the entire clock and threw him a grenade — buried a massive three.

• Jalen Brunson makes an impossibly clutch three to keep the Knicks in striking distance.

• Former Clutch Player of the Year De’Aaron Fox makes a contested free throw line jumper to put the Spurs up 5.

Timeout | :09 | Spurs 113 - Knicks 111

Earlier I wrote:

Anunoby has been their best player by a mile tonight, but they don’t usually run their crunch time offense through him.

Well, he just hit an insane three in the corner to cut the lead to two.

The Knicks will foul and the Spurs will have to hit free throws, which they haven’t done tonight.

Timeout | 0:6.8 | Spurs 115 - 111 Knicks

Castle makes two.

Both Thad and my mom are texting me 🏰 emojis.

Final Score: Spurs 115 - 111 Knicks

Victor Wembanyama said of their late game execution: “Less mistakes. More control.”

A reporter asked him about the “colorful chant” from the New York crowd1 and asked him if he thought it was the ultimate compliment. He smiled: “I guess. I’m nowhere near Trae Young level though.”

What surprised you most about the way Game 3 went down?

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1. Look at this smothering defense from San Antonio that culminates in a Wembanyama block

The Knicks make five good passes and attack the paint twice, but the Spurs’ defensive rotations are tight and they are flying around. Shamet challenges Wemby because they have nothing better going for them and it ends in an emphatic rejection from the best defensive player of all time.

2. And this example of team defense is even more hostile!

This intensity from San Antonio defined their effort tonight.

Even with Wemby closing out at the three-point line, multiple Spurs guards come up with blocks in the paint. Despite KAT bobbling his way into a wide open layup, Fox times it perfectly and smacks it into a $100,000 seat.

Get that shit outta here!

3. Knicks Coach Mike Brown is in his postgame presser complaining about the officiating

The Spurs shot more free throws because the Knicks fouled them all night long. The Spurs were more aggressive on both ends of the court and Knicks played reactively.

I feel like I’m watching KAT lock arms with Wemby like a hockey fight all night long and the refs are never calling any of it.

Plus, this bucket by Wemby wasn’t called a foul against New York.

4. The hot mic caught referee Marc Davis counting down “Five-one-thousand, four-one-thousand…” on a New York inbound

I didn’t know that refs counted out loud; I thought they just did the arm motion. If they really do that, it’s completely insane that a player would ever get a five second violation on an inbound. I wish the referees in the middle school league I coach in would count out loud for my kids.

5. I did think it was crazy that Wemby shoved Brunson in the back of the head

Haha why the heck did he do that?

1. Ernie Johnson asked Commissioner Adam Silver at center court before the game, “What bothers you more: tanking or flopping?” right to his face. Good question. But, I’m not a fan of asking him to discuss those things right before the biggest NBA game in a decade.

2. I guess ABC could sense that I was developing a little bit of a soft spot for New York because they showed me these two mofos at the perfect time to reignite my fury:

   

3. Google is advertising its Gemini feature by teaching us how to answer NBA questions by using the example, “When would an NBA team utilize a ‘switch everything’ defense’? If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: If you know enough to ask that question, you don’t need AI to answer it for you.

4. Charles Barkley said that Cardi B looked more like Cardi D’s and the Inside the NBA crew basically fell out of their chairs.

5. Spike Lee has been courtside for this long:

   

1. On the NYC celebrities in attendance tonight:

   Kirsten told me that Kylie Jenner would not be in attendance tonight. I told her, “I promise you that she will be at this game.

   Kylie was not at the game. Courtside, in her seat, it’s Shia LaBeouf.

2. On a player missing a free throw after a good foul call:

   “The ball doesn’t always lie. Sometimes it just doesn’t have all the information.”

3. At halftime:

   “Wow, this is going to be a great end to the game that you are going to watch alone.”

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The Story of Game 2 in Five Notes

1. In the first quarter, the Spurs played offense as a connected unit

Watch the first possession of the game, which resulted in a made three-pointer for San Antonio.

They make a pass, set a ball screen, reverse the court, drive to the paint, kick out to the top of the arc, drive again, make a pass to the dunkers spot, and spray it out again to the three-point line for an open shot at the end of the shot clock.

They force the Knicks to work hard defensively, the entire team touches the ball on the same possession, and theyget a good shot out of it that goes in.

2. In the second quarter, they played like they didn’t trust each other

The Spurs shot just 19% (4-21) in the second quarter, which was partly a result of New York dialing up their defensive intensity, but was definitely also the result of San Antonio straying from their game plan.

Look how different their last possession of the second quarter1 is compared to their first of the game. Maybe Fox is going for a 2-for-1 at the start of the possession, but even with that excuse built in, the offense is disjointed, the spacing is terrible, they’re not actually running any action, and they end up with a Wemby isolation in the corner trying to make a play.

The talking points tomorrow will probably be about Wemby not being aggressive enough in the first half, but this play is indicative of something going sour with the Spurs offense, not just Wemby taking a backseat.

3. Meanwhile, the Knicks created advantages all night by playing with continuity

The Knicks very rarely played any 1-on-1 basketball, even when the Spurs gave them opportunities to do so: the Spurs doubled Brunson at halfcourt throughout the game and made life difficult for him, but the Knicks reliably made two or three passes into a good shot. Even if those shots missed, the Knicks tracked down offensive rebounds and got better looks at the rim.

This possession in particular appeared to be back-breaking.

Karl-Anthony Towns is playing like a Finals MVP. Mikal Bridges is playing out of his mind. Mitchell Robinson is making his free throws. Every single Knick who touches the floor is giving them meaningful minutes.

The Knicks are playing like a team of destiny.

4. In the 4th Quarter, with 6 minutes left and the Spurs down 97-83, Wembanyama went full Sports Movie

Stuff like this is why he’s the most must-watch athlete in the world right now.

The Spurs ripped off a 14-0 run immediately following this speech.

I didn’t even have notes for that section of the game: the Spurs just started playing with so much more confidence. They played with pace, especially guards Fox and Harper penetrating, collapsing the defense, and finishing at the rim.

Conversely, the Spurs held Jalen Brunson to 3-9 shooting in the 4th quarter (reminiscent of what they did to SGA in the last round), including some misses on open shots while they chipped away at the lead.

With 35 seconds left, the game was tied, and the Spurs had the ball for a chance to win the game.

5. At whose feet does the blame for this loss lie?

a. The Spurs draw up a play to get Wembanyama this shot. I thought this was a terrible shot to try to win the game.

b. On the ensuing possession, Wembanyama switches onto Brunson, forces him into a tough shot, collects the rebound, takes one dribble, and hits Stephon Castle for the outlet pass.

Except, he hits Castle in the back.

This moment was utterly unbelievable.

As I write this, the ESPN headline says "Wemby gets wires crossed”.

I think it’s worth asking the question: is it Wemby’s fault?

Why isn’t his guard coming back to get the ball?

Why aren’t the Spurs calling timeout?

I am making excuses for Wembanyama because I feel like this is his JJ Barea moment and I’m not enjoying it. But am I overreaching?

(The best argument that it is Wemby’s fault is that Fox is right behind him, a perfectly safe release valve, and Wemby tries this unnecessary hit-ahead pass anyway.)

Whose fault was this cataclysmic, championship-swinging turnover?

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c. The Spurs draw up a play to get Wembanyama this shot. I thought this was a good look to try to win the game. I thought it was going in.

It rimmed out, the Knicks go up 2-0, and are poised for the most raucous sporting event of my lifetime.

That’s basketball.

“The Hair Is Part of the Head”

Jalen Brunson was called for a shooting foul on a Devin Vassell three-point attempt, but Brunson was adamant that he didn’t touch Vassell. Referee Tony Brothers signaled that he called the foul because of contact to the shooter’s head. Upon review, it was clear that Brunson did make contact with Vassell, but not with his head: with only his hair.

This led to an all-time broadcast exchange that should go on Mike Breen’s Hall of Fame reel. Obviously “Bang!” is his most iconic call, but this line is on par with:

• “In and out!”

• “Bedlam!”

• “Won’t go!”

• “It’s good!”

Breen — riffing on the fundamental “the hand is part of the ball” — gives us this instantly classic line:

But I have to ask: is the hair part of the head?

The hair is on the head, yes. Out of the head, even. Of the head? I can accept that.

Is the hair one with the head?

(Bear with me.)

If someone chopped off my finger, I could say, “Hey, you chopped off part of my hand!” I think I could say that. We’d all agree that to say “finger" would be more specific and maybe even more correct, but the finger is definitely part of the hand.

If someone plucks out one of my hairs and I say, “Hey, you plucked off part of my head!” I think that would be pure lunacy.

The hair is not part of the head. This is trash.

Right?

Furthermore, John Wooden famously had all his players wear close-cropped hairstyles to avoid any potential distraction during gameplay. If John Wooden knew that the hair was part of the head, and that his players could draw more fouls by wearing long hairstyles, would he have been insisting that all his players grow it out?

Sorry “Kirsten’s Corner” fans: Kirsten went to bed at halftime.

But don’t worry: she saw the last possession because she woke up completely of her own accord, and not because she thoughtI was in danger based on the noise I made when Wemby threw the ball off Castle’s back.

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Jalen Brunson is inevitable.

When a game enters clutch time, he is completely in control. If I can feel it from my couch, then I know for damn sure the players can feel it when they’re on the court with him.

In the third quarter, I wrote in my notebook:

“Both teams ice cold…repeat of Cavs G1 on the way from the Knicks?”

Bigger stage, bigger lights, bigger defenders, same result.

James Harden is a big winner tonight: seeing Brunson torch the Spurs for 13 points in the fourth quarter of Game 1 of the Finals makes the Cavs’ collapse last round seem trivial.

I picked the Spurs to win in seven games and had the Knicks winning Game 1 tonight, so I’m not surprised by the outcome and I still feel good about my pick. As I explained earlier this week, I saw five legitimate reasons why the Knicks could win this series. If you missed it, you can read them here. I thought their best chance was with Brunson’s heroics:

He is a virtually-unguardable undersized phenom who has the chance to become a legend in the next sixteen days, and the Spurs should be terrified of what he can do in the clutch.

Tonight, Brunson stole the show and the Knicks will not be losing to Wemby in 10 days.

1. Wemby was bad tonight, and especially so on this possession

He hit the side of the backboard and the top of the backboard on the same possession. That’s…not good. And it was emblematic of his offensive effort tonight: forcing the issue and playing out of control.

2. The officiating was great tonight

The teams ended up combining for 43 free throws, but that number felt like a product of physical basketball and hard fouls, not grifting and flopping. I thought Brunson didn’t get a handful of calls in the first half that he usually gets; like I told my mom at halftime, I thought he had a right to be frustrated because he got those calls all season.

But the pace was blistering all night long, the game had a consistent flow, and nobody will be talking about the officials for 48 hours. (Except for me, right now.)

And credit to Brunson, who was 5/15 in the first half and 2/7 in the third quarter, but came through when it mattered most: he was 5/9 with 13 points in the fourth quarter.

3. Karl-Anthony Towns exerts the least energy on a free throw of any player I’ve ever seen

He microbends his knees, flicks his wrist, and that’s it. Honestly it’s my favorite thing about his game.

He deserves a better note than this, so here’s another: this was the best game I’ve ever seen KAT play.

4. The play where Brunson hurt his knee had a lot going on

a. It’s a classic example of beautiful ball movement from San Antonio. Multiple drives to the paint, kicks back out to shooters, and a perfect relocation from Champagnie to free himself up for the shot.

b. The player who crashes into Brunson’s knee is Harrison Barnes, but only because Landry Shamet blasts him to the floor. Shamet is so lucky that Brunson turned out to be fine.

c. This was the most significant play in a 20-3 run that saw the Spurs take a commanding lead in the first quarter. The young Spurs settled into the moment and seemed poised to blow the game wide open, but the Knicks stayed attached long enough for their star to take them home, mostly due to KAT’s control of the game through the second and third quarters.

5. What the hell is this?

Landry Shamet looks like (Knicks fan) John Turturro

This one better is 100% Truth. That is a dead ringer right there. It’s absolutely perfect.

And Turturro has been at the games, so I don’t know how it just snuck up on me.

I fear you are underestimating the sneakiness, sir.

I mean, shit that doppleganger is so good, I feel like Turturro himself is shooting 78% on three-pointers in his last five games.

The Spurs’ “hype music” for the visiting Knicks is perfect

Three More Great Plays

Stephon Castle’s circus putback layup

You’d like to see Mikal Bridges at least consider boxing him out.

Deuce McBride’s miracle bank shot from the corner

He correctly hit the Jordan Shrug after this went in.

Jalen Brunson’s unbelievable nothing-but-net dagger

This is as cold-blooded as it gets.

1. On Mitchell Robinson’s broken pinky finger:

   “What do you think happened? I think KAT sat on it.”

2. On Carter Bryant guarding Jalen Brunson:

   “Make a wish!”

   

3. On Spurs coach Mitch Johnson:

   “He looks like Deuce [Tatum] all grown up.”

   

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The movie chronicles the relationship between Andie and Ben over the course of that NBA Finals series that goes to a Game 7. There is even a major plot point that hinges on having tickets to that game and who will or will not go. The first time we watched it, I kept telling Kirsten the climactic they-finally-end-up-together scene was going to happen right as the Knicks won the championship.

But the movie ends without even showing us what happens in Game 7! An appalling choice! Sure, Andie and Ben end up together (duh), but who cares? Show me the two greatest words in rom-coms: Game Seven!

Worst of all, in the most unforgivable moment in rom-com history, Andie asks Ben to get her a soda in the final minute of the game, and when he makes it back in time to see the last play, she sends him back to get her a diet. The Knicks win on a game-winning shot that Ben hears about from the concourse.

I would literally never, under those conditions, get anyone a diet soda.

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Twenty-three years after Kate Hudson irreparably wronged Matthew McConaughey, the Knicks are back in the NBA Finals.

Officially, I’m picking the Spurs to win in seven games, which would be a series that lasts sixteen days.

But here’s how the Knicks can do what Kate Hudson could not, and lose in ten days.

How to Lose to Wemby in 10 Days

Day 1: Tuesday, June 2nd

Karl-Anthony Towns doesn’t want another role in a feel-good sequel of early an aughts classic and wants to make something more serious.

He makes a bet with Jalen Brunson and Josh Hart that if he can get through this series without fouling out of a game, they’ll let him come on The Roommates Show and talk about serious things like religion, politics, the middle east, and the economy.

Day 2: Wednesday, June 3rd: Game 1

KAT is called for a reach-in foul 90 seconds into the game, then slaps Wemby’s arm on a contested rebound on the next possession. When he returns in the second quarter, he’s called for an illegal screen. Coach Mike Brown sticks with him – “I trust you!” – and KAT gets whistled for a charging foul on a KATQWOP drive to the basket.

In the fourth quarter with the Knicks mounting a signature comeback, KAT commits another reach-in foul with less than a second on the shot clock for his fifth foul. Finally, he fouls out of the game trying to contest a Wembanyama dunk, but Wemby absolutely posterizes him and gets the and-one call, which fouls out KAT.

To his credit, Towns does an amazing acting job pretending like he can’t believe he was called for a foul, which he will put on his audition tape for Sinners 2.

Spurs win 110-99 (Spurs 1 - Knicks 0).

Day 3: Thursday, June 4th

Upset to not have played more minutes in Game 1, Jose Alvarado gifts Coach Mike Brown a Love Fern to get back in his good graces.

At morning shootaround, when Brown tells everyone to take a water break, Alvarado notices that Brown doesn’t water the fern and takes it personally.

Day 4: Friday, June 5th: Game 2

With Tony Brothers officiating Game 2 in San Antonio, fans are ready for some confounding calls.

Early in the second quarter, Jalen Brunson draws a foul on Stephon Castle by snapping his head back and simulating contact.

The San Antonio crowd goes crazy, chanting:

Brothers takes it to heart. As a result, Brunson doesn’t shoot another free throw the rest of the way.

Spurs win 113-105 (Spurs 2 - Knicks 0).

Day 5: Saturday, June 6th:

They say a series doesn’t start until the road team wins a game, so this series hasn’t started yet. To keep morale high as the series shifts back to New York, Brunson takes inspiration from Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and gifts everyone on his team Rolex watches.

He tells his team:

Day 6: Sunday, June 7th

Matthew McConaughey is spotted in New York as the lineup of celebrities mounts ahead of Game 3. But, being from Texas, he is pulling for San Antonio.

Day 7: Monday, June 8th: Game 3

The New York crowd is buzzing for the first Finals game in Madison Square Garden since Y2K. Everyone is there: Ben Stiller, Fat Joe, Stephon Marbury, Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, and of course, Spike Lee. He’s wearing a #11 jersey adorned with fur – no one’s ever seen such a thing before! – but in the 3rd quarter reveals the fur to be an actual live chihuahua. Spike brought a dog to the game! What a legend!

Disaster strikes. Josh Hart jumps the passing lane and is headed for an open lane to the basket when he slips on the sideline and loses the ball out of bounds. The chihuahua has peed on the court. Spike is yelling, “My little tinkler!” and the Garden is booing him like it’s 1994.

Spurs win 98-97 (Spurs 3 - Knicks 0).

Day 8: Tuesday, June 9th

Former Knicks coach Tom Thibodeau is seen riding a motorcycle in a leather jacket. Strapped to his back is Taj Gibson. No one knows if this is a good omen or a bad omen: it’s just a puzzling sight to behold.

Day 9: Wednesday, June 10th: Game 4

Will the Spurs sweep or can the Knicks hold on? After all, it’s only been nine days.

Victor Wembanyama is held in check for the first time this series as the Knicks dial up the intensity. They do not want to get swept on their home court.

But the Knicks shots aren’t falling either. The game is turning into a rock fight as the two teams trade blows. The physical style of play is wearing down players on both sides.

In the closing seconds of regulation, the game is tied. The New York crowd is going berserk, willing the Knicks to victory, but Brunson’s go-ahead shot doesn’t fall and the game goes to overtime.

And then, another overtime.

Stunningly, a third overtime.

With just under two minutes left in Game 4, the clock strikes midnight, taking us to…

Day 10: Thursday, June 11th: Game 4 (cont.)

…the tenth day.

The game is tied yet again as Brunson and Wembanyama trade baskets.

The Knicks call their final timeout, and, astonishingly, impossibly, unforgivably, Kylie Jenner asks Timothee Chalamet for a soda.

“Timmy, I’m kinda thirsty. Timmy, can you get me a soda? I’m parched! I’m really thirsty! No ice, Tim. Thanks Timmy!”

Chalamet is apoplectic. He sprints off the court to retrieve the soda and misses Brunson’s mid-ranger jumper splash to give the Knicks a two-point lead. He makes it back just as the Spurs call their final timeout.

And as the players take the court for the final play of the game, Kylie says to him:

“Timmy, it’s not diet! Tim, it’s not diet! Please, I’m so thirsty!”

Heartbroken, he runs off again and misses Wembanyama shoot over the top of Karl-Anthony Towns, a moonball that scrapes the MSG rafters before swishing through the net as the buzzer sounds.

As they leave, Kylie tells him, “What an incredible game. I mean, I’ve never seen a more exciting game.”

Timmy looks her in the eye, breaks up with her, and yells, “Bing bong!” dead in her face.

Spurs win 121–120 (Spurs 4 - Knicks 0).

The 2026 NBA Finals Will Not Break a Record You Didn’t Even Know Existed

I started Unadvanced Analytics two years ago because I noticed the Celtics had a lineup with very low jersey numbers.

Later that season, they went to the NBA Finals against the Dallas Mavericks, who had very high jersey numbers. I wrote an investigative piece that proved the 2024 Finals would be the largest difference in teams’ jersey number sums in NBA history. Only, Kristaps Porzingis never started a game, thwarting my prediction.

Now I have this massive spreadsheet and I’m awaiting the Finals matchup that does finally break that record.

This year isn’t the one.

Nevertheless, here are…

Five Jersey Number Takeaways for the 2026 NBA Finals

1. The difference between New York and San Antonio’s respective jersey sums is 15, the 53rd largest difference of the 80 total NBA Finals. It is tied with 2010 (Boston v. Los Angeles) and 1996 (Chicago v. Seattle).

2. The sum of the Knicks and Spurs starting jerseys is 143, the 72nd highest out of 80. It’s tied with the 1951 Finals (New York v. Philadelphia).

3. Conference Representation

   1. New York has the 52nd highest total for an Eastern Conference representative in the Finals.

   2. San Antonio has the 70th highest sum for a Western Conference team in the Finals.

4. De’Aaron Fox will become the 10th player to start a Finals game wearing #4, joining Jrue Holiday, Iman Shumpert, Danny Green, Michael Finley, Joe Dumars, Byron Scott, Carl Braun, Greg Smith, and, most interestingly, his teammate’s father, Ron Harper.

5. Victor Wembanyama will become the 10th player to wear #1 in a Finals start, joining Michael Porter Jr., Devin Booker, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Chris Bosh, Rafer Alston, Chauncey Billups, Anfernee Hardaway, Oscar Robertson, and Gus Williams.

The Refs Should Do the Complete Opposite of Getting the Series Under Control

You hear a lot about referees getting a series under control. Especially after a chippy game, the whistle will be a lot tighter to keep things from boiling over.

I want the complete opposite of that.

I want Game 1 to start with a video review.

Zach Zarba and his bulging neck veins should come on the microphone and pour lighter fluid all over this series:

And then tip-off the series.

Five Notes About the Knicks’ Chances

1. KAT’s shooting gives New York a chance, even if he doesn’t shoot well

In the Minnesota series, the Timberwolves had success against Wembanyama when they played Naz Reid instead of Rudy Gobert. With Wemby needing to respect Reid’s shot, they were able to pull him out of the paint on defense, and took advantage of driving lanes as a result. If Wemby is matched up on KAT, it neutralizes his rim protection. As a result, he’ll likely guard Josh Hart instead, since Hart’s shooting isn’t nearly as formidable as KAT, which creates an offensive mismatch for KAT. If he can take advantage, the Knicks are in good shape.

2. The Knicks are on a historic heater

Per Statitudes, the Knicks have the second-highest effective field goal percentage of all-time in a postseason leading up to the Finals. Could they have a 2024 Celtics moment and shoot their way to a championship? If the shots keep falling the way they have been, they seem unstoppable.

3. The Spurs’ will have an emotional hangover

That epic series against the Thunder will have a lingering effect on the Spurs: either they carry their championship mettle into Game 1, or they have an emotional letdown after leaving everything on the floor in Oklahoma City. I’m picking the Knicks – coming off a sweep of the (embarrassing) Cavs and eight days of rest – to win Game 1 in San Antonio.

4. The NBA Cup means something

In my household, 66% of us respect the Cup, and I am of the majority. Just a few months ago, we watched the Spurs dismantle the Thunder in a grueling semifinal matchup, then lose to the Knicks in the championship round. Sure, this contrived tournament isn’t the Finals, but I do think it’s indicative of what we’re going to see early in this series.

5. Jalen Brunson is that guy

Victor Wembanyama is the best player in the world, but Brunson might play like the best player in this series. Yes, the Spurs have lots of athletic guards to throw at him. Yes, the Knicks offense has pivoted to make him bear less weight on every possession. And yes, Brunson makes a lot of his money by playing a similar style to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, which will draw the ire of many casual fans.

But he is a virtually-unguardable undersized phenom who has the chance to become a legend in the next sixteen days, and the Spurs should be terrified of what he can do in the clutch.

Game Picks

Game 1: Knicks (SAS 0 - 1 NYK)

Game 2: Spurs (SAS 1 - 1 NYK)

Game 3: Spurs (SAS 2 - 1 NYK)

Game 4: Knicks (SAS 2 - 2 NYK)

Game 5: Knicks (SAS 2 - NYK 3)

Proposal: When a series is tied 2-2, the ensuing Game 5 is, by definition, a “pivotal” game. Typically, whoever goes up 3-2 wins the series. However, in the last series, OKC won the Pivotal Game 5, but lost the next two games and the series. We need a name for a Pivotal Game 5 that turns out not to be pivotal after all.

We should call a Pivotal Game 5 where the winning team loses the series a Penny Game: a game that seemed like it would turn the series, but stopped before it fully turned.

Game 6: Spurs (SAS 3 - NYK 3)

Game 7: Spurs (SAS 4 - NYK 3)

Wembanyama Heat Check

In the 48 hours following Victor Wembanyama’s disappointing Game 5 performance, every smart basketball analyst agreed: he needed to stop settling for three-pointers, and instead focus on establishing himself down low.

But apparently the Shaolin Monks told him to let it fly, because he shot it as soon as he touched the ball the very first time:

I wrote down in my notes, “Marcus Smart syndrome?”

I was worried that he might be so encouraged by seeing his first three-pointer go in that he would begin relying on it too much. Was San Antonio worried he might settle throughout the game?

Instead, the very next time down the floor, he took — and made — another three-pointer.

He was dominant throughout the first quarter, as basketball fans hoped he would be. As he has throughout his career, he answered the bell in the biggest moment.

But even given his reputation, this shot to end the first quarter was downright absurd.

When he makes that shot, you understand why he feels confident enough in his jumper to rely on it in big moments. Even though I’d like him to play more like Shaq at times, Shaq for damn sure would have been taking shots like that if he could have made them!

Spurs Dominate Defensively

Most emblematic of the Spurs’ dominant victory tonight were these two moments on the defensive end.

At the end of the third quarter, when it looks like OKC has a runout for an easy transition layup for Chet Holmgren, Wemby reads the play, sprints back, gets into position, shuffles his feet without fouling, and meets Chet at the apex of his shot. This block solidified an impossibly dominant third quarter in which San Antonio held OKC to just 2 points in the final eight minutes of the quarter.

But even better was Devin Vassell’s block (also of Holmgren) in the second quarter. After a huge Carter Bryant dunk on the other end, the crowd went absolutely ballistic when Vassell recovered to swat Chet’s shot away.

Usually Vassell plays with so much joy, but here, he is pissed off that Chet didn’t know better than to try him at the rim. So brazen! So audacious! He comes out of nowhere to make this play; it’s an awesome block, and he talks his shit afterwards.

I was reminded of the (other) iconic LeBron block of the 2016 Finals, this one also in a Game 6 with his team also down 3-2.

5 More Takeaways from Game 6

1. The Spurs guards — Harper, Fox, and Castle — combined for 20 assists and just 2 turnovers.

   Dylan Harper looked comfortable and energized; he had touch on his jumpers tonight, and shot much better than the last few games. While De’Aaron Fox’s shot looked terrible (1-9 shooting), his presence steadies the offense: he had 7 assists to go with 0 turnovers.

2. Cason Wallace was OKC’s best player tonight, which is both good and bad.

   He was their leading scorer and best defender in the first half, which is a good sign for them if he is playing that well, but a bad sign that their best players are not up to snuff.

3. After 70 free throw attempts in Game 5, the teams combined for just 37 tonight. I have lots more thoughts on referees (and why we talk about them so much) coming after the series, but suffice for now to say that tonight was a much better watch.

4. Every single Spur was a + tonight, and every single Thunder was a -.1 Worst of all: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (-28).

5. One Spurs fan wore a bomber jacket with no shirt underneath. That’s a cool look for a fan.

What’s your bold prediction for Game 7?

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Don’t forget to join us in the chat during the game!

I went over to Thad’s place to watch Game 3 of the Spurs-Thunder series because we felt like it had the makings of another legendary game. Especially with both guards healthy for San Antonio in Dylan Harper and De’Aaron Fox, and with the referees clued into the physical tactics by OKC on defense, this felt like a game where the floor would open up for Victor Wembanyama and he could deliver another performance for the ages.

The Spurs were up 15-0 before our pizza and wings had even arrived. It was happening!

One of us said, “You know OKC is going to make a run…but it’s not happening yet!”

And then immediately they made a run, the game was within three points by the end of the first quarter, and they pretty much dictated the action until the end of the game. Thad pointed out that OKC outscored San Antonio by 30 points in the final 46 minutes.

The Thunder feel inevitable.

But, after Game 1, I am completely unwilling to pick against Wemby under any circumstances. Game 4 Sunday is must-watch: my mom will be watching, and you should too.

1. This KAT drive in Game 2 was so clunky and awkward, I had to relearn QWOP to accurately replicate it

2. The scorebug looking like binary code

Seven 1’s, four 0’s, including four consecutive 10’s. That’s just good clean family fun.

3. Wemby and Coach Mitch Johnson sharing a slow dance

What song are they dancing to?

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4. Me when my charcoal grill is lukewarm for 45 minutes but somehow heats up to 600 degrees in between the dogs and the burgers and now my burgers are engulfed in flames

5. How it feels trying to fit in my weekend long run in between my daughter’s wake windows

Bonus: My daughter in the middle of the night

1. Donovan Mitchell looks like Survivor’s Joe Hunter

Spida looks like he plays the game with honor and integrity. I can just imagine him getting upset when someone crosses him over.

2. Keldon Johnson looks like Bruce Brown

Just a coupla cowboys.

3. SGA looks like Shere Khan

This dude hoops with crazy eyes.

1. In the lead-up to Game 2, Reggie Miller said, “I believe aliens like encores, right?”

   I’ve struggled all week to understand what this means and I still have no idea what he’s talking about. What could he possibly be referring to?!

2. Dylan Harper uses an inhaler. That’s just something I noticed.

   

3. Jamal Crawford promotes Jared McCain’s TikTok on the broadcast

1. On Alex Caruso, Kirsten’s favorite player in the NBA, who has been incredible in this series:

   K: “I did not choose him as my favorite because he is bald. I know you were all thinking it.”

   G: “Why did you choose him then?”

   K: “I chose him because of his surprising flair when he was on the Lakers. And because of his work ethic in college; there was a story about how he never stopped moving.

   She then added:

   K: “The reason I like Jordan Walsh is 100% because he’s bald.”

2. On the Liberty Bibberty guy:

   “I hate this guy.”

   

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Shifting paradigms cause us to tense up, generally. We clutch the remnants of what was, or is still, and clench our eyes against that which comes next. Only when something familiar comes back around, cyclically, are we quick to accept it; even trends we questioned are welcomed back so long as they are familiar. Wired headphones are cool again, somehow. So it goes.

Communities (read: generations) are defined by such shared experiences that shape their beliefs. In turn, figureheads that dictate what is valuable or what is cool or what is possible become heroes we never let go of.

We listen to the same music as when we were thirteen. It shaped us. Besides, “Today’s music is all trash,” says every generation that ever lived.

With change, we resist. And in an era of transformative change seemingly every week, we fear. Our students are now offloading their thinking to Artificial Intelligence, our election systems are gradually becoming less stable, our summers are increasingly dangerous.

Our world is progressively, and discomfitingly, unrecognizable.

A decade ago, Stephen Curry took the most brazen shot in NBA history. With five seconds left of a (regular season) overtime game in Oklahoma City, he crossed half-court and let it fly. When it splashed down (“Bang! Bang!”) he tied the record for three-pointers made in a game (12), scored his 46th point, and forever changed the way basketball was played. In anyone else’s hands, it was an unforgivably terrible shot. But from Stephen Curry, it was magic, and it opened the floodgates of an era shaped by his pushing boundaries back and back and back.

The Warriors went on to win 73 games that season, the most in NBA history, before falling to LeBron James’ Cleveland Cavaliers in the most epic Game 7 of my lifetime (“Blocked by James!”).

Ten years later, LeBron is 41 years old, Steph is 38, and both are at home watching the Conference Finals with their wives and kids, just like me. The NBA is in a new place, and things are changing every week.

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Victor Wembanyama is relatable to nobody. He is a singularity in human history, more akin to the Cyclops than Odysseus. He is Goliath: a basketball in his palms isthe size of David’s stone in his. He is an impossibility.

We humans are used to rooting against such power.

We cheer, instead, for the unsung, reflective — thoughtful, yes, but also reduplicative of us — hero. The everyman who earns above his lot, the mortal who has greatness thrust upon him and surpasses even that destined excellence.

Yet, Wembanyama is both archetypes. We collide with this fresh face — new to the league, often brimming with tears, unapologetically — and can’t help but root for him. What if, we ask ourselves, we share the Earth with the most physically gifted human who ever lived?

If LeBron must retire someday, we crave a worthy successor. We want so desperately to witness greatness. Even better if that great man is also kind cheerful, and grateful.

In sports, we are blessed with a Perfect Storm every so often. Amidst a bloated calendar that promises every game in every sport is “must watch”, only rarely is that true.

Tonight’s Game 1 between Oklahoma City and San Antonio felt like it was going to be seismic. If our new era of basketball was truly here, it would be on display tonight, with two titans clashing head-on, full speed, relentless and angry.

It was mandatory viewing.

When Victor Wembanyama pulled up for that shot — in the same spot as the Steph Curry Double Bang shot — in overtime, in Oklahoma City, it was pure poetry. An ode to the forebearers of this game we love. The new face of the NBA — our 7’5 alien — marked his territory with a crop circle on the OKC logo.

A perfect homage from the best player in the world. Trust me, everybody, you are in good hands.

I wrote before the season:

“This is the year Victor Wembanyama takes what’s his. …He will rapidly become the must-watch player in the league every night. Even non-fans will start talking about the really tall French player that might be better than LeBron someday.”

Tonight, I texted my mom all the way until midnight about this “unbelievable” experience we were having.

Our world shifts and shifts and shifts. It’s mostly bad, it seems, these days. Most change I witness around me I wish I could undo.

Therefore, it is refreshing tonight to see an unprecedented man do something so consequential that the game (we) will never be the same. I am uplifted, and utterly in disbelief.

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In tonight’s first Game 6, Ausar Thompson was called for a foul that was upgraded to a Flagrant Foul 1. A clear distinction was made between this act and Victor Wembanyama’s Flagrant Foul 2 earlier this week, because there are three criteria that must be met in order for a foul to rise to a Flagrant Penalty 2:

• Wind up

• Significant contact

• Follow through

Kirsten pointed out that a One-Inch Punch would not constitute an ejection, because although there would be serious connection and major follow through, there would be no windup.

So if Wemby decides he wants to send a message to Lou Dort in the next round, he may have to call on his Shaolin training from last summer.

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1. The Pistons save the ball, then save it again, then fight for it, and finally get a near-ledgie to drop for the momentous and-one

This is cheating because, if you see any plays from the games tonight, you’re going to see this one. But it was electric and emblematic of playoff basketball at its best. I was hoping the ball would stick on that ledge! But the next best thing is to see it drop through for two. Sweet stuff.

2. Max Strus throws up one of the worst heaves I’ve ever seen

3. Speaking of Max Strus…

He made headlines this week because Charles Barkley said, “That’s a pretty man.” He explained that he thought Strus’ face and eyes were the attractive parts, that he felt similarly about Tom Brady, and that he was afriad that if he looked Strus in the eyes he wouldn’t be able to speak straight.

We were all over this in last week’s Unadvanced Notebook! And the readers agree with Chuck: that’s a pretty man.

4. Anthony Edwards shook hands with every single San Antonio Spur during a timeout with 8 minutes left in the 4th quarter

I agree with my mom’s reaction:

That’s right: my mom was up at midnight watching a 30 point blowout because she’s LOCKED IN!

5. Wemby’s Impossible Play of the Night

Carter Bryant looks like Mr. Meeseeks

1. Google has been running ads for Gemini during the broadcast where they show a question you could ask it’s AI machine, like, “What are the pros and cons of going with a small lineup in the NBA playoffs?” And then the on-air analyst breaks down the question. It’s really great because it leads to in-depth analysis about the game, and it’s targeted to the matchup you’re watching.

   Isn’t that scenario completely antithetical to the AI experience? Gemini only knows what it knows because it’s stealing the work of actual people who work hard to generate new ideas.

   Imagine if Google plugged sportswriters who do similar work, instead of its plagiarism machine.

2. This commercial is the new “No Flex Zone” Wingstop spot. I don’t think I can take it anymore.

3. Conversely, I still like “LEMON! PEPPER! WINGS!” And I still like this one:

   

4. Since Kirsten’s Corner hated on the Chik-Fil-A Ranch Song, I haven’t seen that commercial a single time. I miss it.

1. On Donovan Mitchell’s celebration, when he told the Pistons that their best player couldn’t guard him (in no uncertain terms):

   “Next time he should yell something totally different, like:"

   “NOOOOO UNDIES!!!!!”

   

2. On Cleveland’s homecourt advantage:

   “Okay here’s a hot take, here’s a HOOOOT take! Okay, this is boiling!: The Cavs court and this whole setup makes it look like everyone in the front row is using a Squatty Potty.”

   

3. On Wemby’s shocking Flagrant Foul 2 earlier this week:

   “Thank you Wemby for getting ejected and showing us a textbook flagrant foul 2. I learned a lot”

4. On Donovan Mitchell, in general:

   “Is Donovan Mitchell a good boy? He seems like The Good Boy of the NBA.”

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What should Donovan Mitchell yell to the crowd in Game 7 on Sunday at 7:00 CST?

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1. “Time doesn’t exist, yet it controls us anyway”

Get a better name, Comrade James!

2. Three unacceptable inbounds passes in Cavs-Pistons Game 3

3. An unbelievably bad entry pass from Tobias Harris in Game 1

A lost art.

4. Two nominees for Embarrassing Miss of the Game in Lakers-Thunder Game 3

5. “Devin Vassell: weaving, driving, faking, spinning, lunging, firing it up!”

I think Kevin Harlan is my favorite broadcaster.

6. This has to be the earliest foul call in NBA history, right?

7. A rough 10 seconds for Kelly Oubre Jr.

8. Cade Cunningham throws a funny mini-tantrum

My daughter just learned how to do this exact move.

9. The Extremely Irritating Cavs Fan is at it again?!

She pulled this same stunt on RJ Barrett in the last round! Why does she keep pretending to grab players’ butts? I mean, this is harassment, right?!

If you’re worried you won’t know which fan I’m talking about, trust me: you’ll see her.

10. When my air conditioning rattles the vents while I’m trying to sleep

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1. Elsbeth is behind Nick Nurse.

2. The Crypto.com logo is a Stormtrooper

3. A classic potato chip is better than a flavored chip

4. This one is from my mom: The winning team should be the first one to score 75 points

Her reasoning:

• The target score would keep the “endurance, pace, [and] urgency” throughout the game

• She also wonders how coaches would use their timeouts differently if they didn’t know how long the game would go.

• And she added this amazing note:

“When [the Spurs] just went on the [awesome] first run, I was like what if they just kept scoring points.”1

She’s also on the record as saying Wemby is a “Legend in the making”.

1. Like the ceremonial first pitch in baseball, we should have celebrities throw the “first tip” of a basketball game. Have the home team’s center just go up and tap it.

2. Jaylin Williams is the thinking man’s Jaxson Hayes.

3. Richard Jefferson is the NBA’s Ryan Reynolds.

4. Luka and his bad attitude have been a bad influence on Austin Reaves.

5. First round upsets mean second round sweeps.

1. On Mike Conley’s shot that missed by bouncing in-and-out:

   “That goldfish hopped out of the toilet!”

2. In response to Mitchell Robinson missing all his free throws in Game 1:

   “Do you think he’s just given up? Like, ‘I’m never gonna make these. I might as well work on something else.’”

3. On Victor Wembanyama’s historic game:

   “His skin looks so good! I just had to say it. I’ve been thinking it for a long time. His skin did not look good a few years ago. But I don’t know if it’s just that he’s growing up, or if he’s eating better, or if he’s putting something on his skin. I’d love to know.”

4. On my terrible postseason predictions so far:

   “If you’re gonna go big, sometimes you’re gonna go home.”

5. On Lebron’s expletive-filled back and forth with Alex Caruso:

   

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Have you ever had to flush a fish down a toilet?

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In the 2017-2018 season, the NBA Board of Governors approved a motion that allowed teams to sell sponsored patches on their team’s jerseys.

It was a bummer.

The jersey patches take away from the classic look of in every case. And yet, since that vote, all 30 teams have adopted jersey patches.

My Cleveland Cavaliers LeBron jersey from 2018 has a big ole’ Goodyear foot on it. Ironically, the jersey patches are sold on the most expensive replica jerseys, when I’d readily pay more to have them taken off.

In any case, some patches are better than others, which is why I decided to rank this year’s playoff teams by their jersey patches.1

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Methodology

Each patch was evaluated by the following four metrics:

• Color scheme match: 🔴 🟠 🟡 🟢 🔵 (#/5)

  • How well does the patch coalesce with the other colors on the jersey?

  • Note: A logo that is normally in color that simply becomes all white is not highly rewarded.

• Coolness of product: 🌨️ ⛄ ❄️ 🧊 🥶 (#/5)

  • This is basically a vibe check.

• Basketball cohesion: 🏀 ⛹️ 🏅 🏆 💯 (#/5)

  • Does it make sense for this product to be advertised on a basketball jersey?

• Yikes factor: 🤨 😬 🫣 😰 🤬 (-0/5)

  • Is this product bad for the public good?

  • The Yikes factor subtracts from the overall score.

Thus, the highest possible score is a 15, while the lowest is a -5. Tiebreaker goes to the lowest Yikes factor.

The Rankings

16. Minnesota Timberwolves: Sezzle

Color scheme match: ❌

Coolness of product: ❌

Basketball cohesion: 🏀⛹️

Yikes factor: 🤨😬🫣😰

Score: -2/15

Takeaway: This patch looks absolutely terrible. And you shouldn’t ever “buy now, pay later.”

15. Atlanta Hawks: Paze

Color scheme match: _

Coolness of product: _

Basketball cohesion: 🏀

Yikes factor: 🤨

Score: 0/15

Takeaway: It’s not actually blue, it’s cerulean.

14. New York Knicks: Experience Abu Dhabi

Color scheme match: 🔴

Coolness of product: 🌨️⛄❄️🧊

Basketball cohesion: 🏀

Yikes factor: 🤨😬🫣😰🤬

Score: 1/15

Takeaway: James Dolan is building a Sphere in Abu Dhabi. And I can’t believe KAT was in The Devil Wears Prada 2.

13. Toronto Raptors: Sun Life

Color scheme match: 🔴

Coolness of product: 🌨️

Basketball cohesion: 🏀

Yikes factor: _

Score: 3/15

Takeaway: Extremely blah.

12. Philadelphia 76ers: Crypto.com

Color scheme match: 🔴

Coolness of product: 🌨️⛄

Basketball cohesion: 🏀⛹️🏅

Yikes factor: 🤨😬

Score: 4/15

Takeaway: Are we sure that Crypto.com should be able to own the Lakers’ stadium and the Sixers jersey patch?

11. Denver Nuggets: Ibotta

Color scheme match: 🔴🟠

Coolness of product: 🌨️

Basketball cohesion: 🏀⛹️

Yikes factor: 🤨

Score: 4/15

Takeaway: As in, “I bought a” thing?

10. Los Angeles Lakers: Bibigo

Color scheme match: 🔴🟠🟡

Coolness of product: 🌨️

Basketball cohesion: _

Yikes factor: _

Score: 4/15

Takeaway: Apparently this is a Korean food brand, I think? Why is it on the iconic Lakers jerseys?

9. Boston Celtics: Amica

Color scheme match: 🔴🟠

Coolness of product: 🌨️⛄

Basketball cohesion: 🏀⛹️

Yikes factor: 🤨

Score: 5/15

Takeaway: I can’t believe they lost to Philly.

8. Cleveland Cavaliers: Cliffs

Color scheme match: 🔴🟠🟡🟢🔵

Coolness of product: _

Basketball cohesion: _

Yikes factor: _

Score: 5/15

Takeaway: This is a steel company in Cleveland. At least they matched the colorway.

7. Phoenix Suns: PayPal

Color scheme match: 🔴🟠

Coolness of product: 🌨️⛄❄️

Basketball cohesion: 🏀⛹️

Yikes factor: 🤨

Score: 6/15

Takeaway: Devin Booker makes almost a million dollars every game.

6. Houston Rockets: Memorial Hermann

Color scheme match: 🔴

Coolness of product: 🌨️⛄❄️

Basketball cohesion: 🏀⛹️🏅

Yikes factor: _

7/15

Takeaway: Sengun did not look good these playoffs. It’s like he didn’t have any skills. You know like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills. Jersey sponsors only want teams that have good skills.

5. San Antonio Spurs: Ledger

Color scheme match: 🔴🟠🟡🟢🔵

Coolness of product: 🌨️⛄❄️

Basketball cohesion: 🏀⛹️🏅

Yikes factor: 🤨😬🫣

8/15

Takeaway: This is a crypto wallet company. You buy a device that lets you securely trade crypto on it. That’s a real thing.

4. Orlando Magic: Disney

Color scheme match: 🔴🟠🟡

Coolness of product: 🌨️⛄❄️

Basketball cohesion: 🏀⛹️🏅

Yikes factor: 🤨

Score: 8/15

Takeaway: You know, like Magic Kingdom.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder: Love’s

Color scheme match: 🔴🟠🟡🟢🔵

Coolness of product: 🌨️⛄❄️🧊

Basketball cohesion: 🏀

Yikes factor: 🤨

Score: 8/15

Takeaway: This is my favorite jersey sponsor by far. Unfortunately it lost a point on the Yikes factor because of it’s connection to fossil fuels. But I love having a gas station on a jersey. It’s so dumb that it’s good. It actually looks perfect with the rest of the jersey, and the little heart logo is just above the players’ hearts. So seamless! So clever!

2. Detroit Pistons: StockX

Color scheme match: _

Coolness of product: 🌨️⛄❄️🧊🥶

Basketball cohesion: 🏀⛹️🏅🏆💯

Yikes factor: 🤨

Score: 9/15

Takeaway: This product placement just makes too much sense, so I couldn’t let Love’s beat it out. “Hey, you like these shoes the players are wearing? We have the perfect website for you.” It’s too good. If it matched the Pistons colors at all, StockX could have had a perfect score.

1. Portland Trail Blazers: No sponsor!

Color scheme match: 🔴🟠🟡🟢🔵

Coolness of product: 🌨️⛄❄️🧊🥶

Basketball cohesion: 🏀⛹️🏅🏆💯

Yikes factor: 0

15/15

Takeaway: The only team in the entire league this season to not have a jersey patch! Of course, with new owner Tom Dundon cutting costs at every turn, I’m expecting a horrifically gaudy patch next year.

Which team’s jersey deserved the #1 spot?

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